The Secret Games Women Play - Dr Tracy Vaillancourt
Chris Williamson (host), Dr Tracy Vaillancourt (guest), Narrator
In this episode of Modern Wisdom, featuring Chris Williamson and Dr Tracy Vaillancourt, The Secret Games Women Play - Dr Tracy Vaillancourt explores female Friendships, Sexy Peers, And The Hidden Economy Of Slut-Shaming Dr. Tracy Vaillancourt explains how women's intrasexual competition often manifests as indirect aggression—gossip, exclusion, subtle nonverbal slights—rather than overt conflict. Drawing on her research, she shows that women are especially intolerant of sexually provocative or highly attractive peers because such women threaten a shared “sexual cartel” that maintains the value of sex as a resource. She connects these dynamics to bullying, status hierarchies, and the mental health crisis in girls, including how social media amplifies jealousy, social comparison, and exclusion. The conversation also covers why anti-bullying programs largely fail, how bullying biologically embeds itself in developing brains, and what might help individuals and systems respond more effectively.
Female Friendships, Sexy Peers, And The Hidden Economy Of Slut-Shaming
Dr. Tracy Vaillancourt explains how women's intrasexual competition often manifests as indirect aggression—gossip, exclusion, subtle nonverbal slights—rather than overt conflict. Drawing on her research, she shows that women are especially intolerant of sexually provocative or highly attractive peers because such women threaten a shared “sexual cartel” that maintains the value of sex as a resource. She connects these dynamics to bullying, status hierarchies, and the mental health crisis in girls, including how social media amplifies jealousy, social comparison, and exclusion. The conversation also covers why anti-bullying programs largely fail, how bullying biologically embeds itself in developing brains, and what might help individuals and systems respond more effectively.
Key Takeaways
Women often police other women’s sexuality to protect a shared bargaining resource.
Vaillancourt’s work supports the idea that women historically benefited from limiting men’s access to sex; women who are seen as highly promiscuous or overtly sexy lower the ‘market price’ of sex, prompting other women to punish or derogate them (slut-shaming, social exclusion) as a cartel-like enforcement mechanism.
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Women’s aggression is predominantly indirect, sophisticated, and highly effective—especially against other women.
Rather than physical confrontation, women more often use gossip, exclusion, eye-rolls, and silent treatment; women are extremely attuned to these cues and show stronger physiological and emotional responses to them than men, which makes these tactics powerful tools of social control.
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High-status bullies are usually well-liked, attractive, and powerful—not marginalized outcasts.
Contrary to the ‘damaged loner’ stereotype, Vaillancourt’s and others’ research finds that many school bullies sit at the top of the social hierarchy, leveraging valued traits (attractiveness, athleticism, wealth) to gain influence and then using aggression to keep near-rivals in check.
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Early-developing girls and highly attractive or competent females are prime targets for aggression.
Girls who hit puberty early or excel (in sport, looks, or status) often elicit jealousy and are punished by peers—bullied, excluded, or undermined—because they draw male attention or status away from others, violating implicit ‘know your place’ norms in female peer groups.
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Social media magnifies female jealousy, FOMO, and relational anxiety, worsening mental health.
Women spend more time scrutinizing appearances and relationships online, and Vaillancourt’s data show they experience more friendship-related social media jealousy (e. ...
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Bullying leaves lasting biological scars, but resilience and plasticity mean outcomes vary.
Chronic victimization dysregulates the stress-response system (HPA axis), alters cortisol and inflammation, impairs memory-related brain regions, and can affect gene expression and telomere length—but genetic makeup, attributions, and later experiences can buffer or exacerbate these effects.
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Most anti-bullying programs barely move the needle because they ignore high-status perpetrators.
Meta-analyses show small effects; programs work better when they’re universal, start before high school, involve but don’t rely on peers, and train teachers—yet they rarely address the socially powerful bullies who have the most to gain from continuing their behavior.
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Notable Quotes
“We love certain women and we promote certain women. We’re not the angels that we purport to be.”
— Dr. Tracy Vaillancourt
“Women who make sex too readily available compromise the power-holding position of the group, which is why many women are particularly intolerant of women who are or seem to be promiscuous.”
— Dr. Tracy Vaillancourt
“The form of intrasexual competition in women is indirect aggression.”
— Dr. Tracy Vaillancourt
“The reason why women make themselves smaller is not because of men. They make themselves smaller so that they don’t attract the negative attention of women.”
— Dr. Tracy Vaillancourt
“If it’s mentionable, it’s manageable. How do we change our behavior if we can’t acknowledge it?”
— Dr. Tracy Vaillancourt (quoting Mr. Rogers and applying it to her work)
Questions Answered in This Episode
If female-led slut-shaming and status enforcement are this powerful, how should contemporary feminism address intrasexual aggression without reinforcing misogynistic narratives?
Dr. ...
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What practical steps can individual women take to avoid participating in, or becoming targets of, indirect aggression in their own friendship circles and workplaces?
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How could schools realistically confront high-status bullies—who are often admired and protected—without triggering backlash from peers, parents, or staff?
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Given social media’s role in amplifying jealousy and exclusion for girls, what specific platform design changes or usage norms might actually reduce harm?
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For adults who were bullied as children, what cognitive or therapeutic practices best help reframe those experiences and mitigate any lingering biological and psychological effects?
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Transcript Preview
Do women have an intolerance of sexy peers?
Absolutely. Um, 100%. Uh, I, we say we don't. We say that we just love women and we promote women. But, um, we lo-... We love certain women and we promote certain women. So, uh, yeah, we're, we're not the angels that we purport we are to be. Um, I think we do a lot of impression management.
Who are the women that we do support and love?
Um, it depends. Like, obviously we're gonna have, um, different qualities that we admire in a person. And so if they have those, then I think that that's who we're gonna promote. We're pretty good at, um, tolerating our friends and promoting our friends. Um, but I don't think we're universally kind to all women. And it's interesting because I think that there's been this, like, change in zeitgeist where people, or women talk about how the sisterhood has never been stronger and we support each other unconditionally, and yet we really don't.
Why? Why, why do you think that that's the current pop culture s- summarization of female friendships, uh, and why is it not the case?
Well, I think that... It, it's funny 'cause it's kinda said but it's not really said. So, have you seen the Barbie movie yet?
No.
Okay. You need to see it. It's really (laughs) good.
Okay.
But anyhow, so it's funny 'cause there's this big speech where she talks about, like, all the pressures that women are under and everything that we have to manage and, you know, and then there's also this, like, thread about women supporting women, and yet there's, like, plenty of examples of women not supporting women in that movie, right? So I think that there's this, like, a little bit of a disconnect where we say it but then we don't actually, um, live that ideal. Um, now, the reason I think it happens, that we don't support each other as much as we should, is because there's, like, a resource scarcity that affects women, I think, more than men. And I th-... Or this perception of resource scarcity. And in some places in the world, there's absolutely a resource scarcity, um, with women. You know, they're not... They don't have as many privileges. They don't make as much money, those sorts of things. Um, and when things don't seem fair, it's hard to be, uh, generous.
Right. So what's the sexy bit of the sexy peers? Why be particularly intolerant of the sexy ones?
So, so that would be, um, the idea that... (sighs) It's gonna sound sexist (laughs) but it's a robust finding. I did a study on this. So the idea that, um, historically, we've sort of maintained, uh, control over what the opposite sex wanted. And so if we, um, you know, are giving away sex freely, um-
You mean we as women here.
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