Why Violence & Revenge Fantasies Feel Good - James Kimmel Jr.

Is it fair to say that you decided to study revenge instead of commit a mass murder?

Hmm. That's a great way of putting that question. Uh, I would say, no, I made that decision long before I decided to study revenge. However, my life might look like that happened. So, it's a fair question.

Can you tell us that story?

Yeah. Yeah, sure. Uh, so I had been, uh, bullied when I was a kid. Uh, moved to, uh, the country actually from a suburban area at age 12. Descended into this, uh, rural space where there were a lot of farm kids living around me, and I wanted to be part of that group. And, uh, so I reached out to them. Uh, but I was definitely an outsider, although I lived on a farm. It was my great-grandfather's farm. Uh, it wasn't a, a big working farm like those guys lived on. Uh, they lived on big dairy farms with hundreds of head of Holstein cattle. We had a small herd of Black Angus cattle and, uh, that's beef cattle, and some, uh, pigs and chickens and things like that. So they didn't wanna have any part of, of me, uh, kind of coming into their world, and I wasn't, uh, willing to accept that. I want- really wanted to be part of their community. Uh, y- when I was young, I, I actually wanted to be a farmer. I thought it was such a great, uh, lifestyle, and I really loved what far- what farmers did. Um, so when I wouldn't be deterred, they moved from shunning to bullying, and that, uh, started with, you know, uh, words and humiliation and, uh, harassment. Getting on and off the school bus and going through hallways. And then, as we got older, up into middle tee- teen years, and even, even, you know, 15, 16, 17 years old, uh, it started becoming physical, um, to the point that, uh, one night, when my family were home, uh, late at night, uh, we were awakened to the sound of a gunshot. And, uh, when we ran to the window to check and see what was going on, I saw a pickup truck operated by, uh, one of the guys that had been, uh, harassing me, taking off down the road. So we looked around the house, didn't see any damage, uh, thankfully, and went back to sleep. The next morning, one of my jobs was to take care of, uh, those animals I just described, uh, including a, uh, sweet, uh, beautiful little hunting dog, a beagle named Paula. And when I went to her pen, uh, to feed and water her that morning, I found her lying dead with a bullet hole in her head and a pool of blood. So, it's pretty rough.

I imagine that's the sort of thing that can inspire some pretty strong feelings of vengeance.

Yeah. Um, it, it did, but at first, those weren't manifesting. So, you know, there was shock, pain, mourning, anger, all those types of things. And certainly, um, a desire to want to get back at these guys at this point. My family were very upset. We contacted the police. They came, took a report, uh, but said there was really nothing they could do at that stage. They would, you know, be available if things escalated from there, um, but they weren't going to act at that point in time. So, another couple or three weeks passed, and, uh, I found myself alone at night in, uh, in my house. My folks were out somewhere, as was my brother. And, uh, I heard a vehicle come to a stop in front of our house. And, and I, you know, got up to look outside. We lived on a one-lane country road, so it was pretty rare to have, uh, a car just like, you know, come down the road. You could always hear it, but they would just keep on moving. This time, uh, it was clear that it stopped. And when I looked outside, I saw that same pickup truck. Uh, and it started, uh... Well, I should say it this way. Um, so there was a pickup truck, and a flash and an explosion, and then the pickup truck, uh, tore off down the road, leaving behind our mailed, uh, uh, our mangled mailbox. Uh, so they'd blown our post box right off its stand. Uh, and then, uh, that's when, uh, what was left of my self-control kind of detonated as well. And, you know, I'd been shooting guns since I was about eight years old. Uh, having, you know, visited that farm throughout my youth, and we had lots of guns in the house. My dad had a loaded revolver that he kept for, uh, you know, like personal safety in a nightstand by his bed. And, and I ran and I grabbed that gun, uh, tore off through the house, jumped in my mother's car, and I went off through the dead of the night, uh, chasing after these guys, just, uh, you know, shouting in rage, uh, and screaming, uh, you know, as I was going down the road. And I eventually caught them, uh, cornered them, actually, by a barn. So the, you know, the scene is their pickup truck kind of, uh, pressed up against a barn wall, and my, uh, car behind them with my bright beams on, so I'm seeing three or four heads in the back of that pickup truck. And, uh, you know, they slowly get out and they turn around and they're squinting through my high beams, trying to figure out who had just chased them down their one-lane farm road. Uh, uh, what was clear to me at that moment, um, was that they were unarmed in the sense that they didn't have any, any weapons in their hands. Maybe in the truck, but they weren't carrying anything. Uh, and they couldn't have known that I was armed. I had a gun, a loaded gun. And, uh, so I had the element of surprise, and this was my opportunity to get the revenge that, that I'd been wanting for years for all of this abuse, and, and now this massive escalation, uh, in violence. And so I, you know, I grabbed the gun off the passenger seat, opened the driver's door, started to get out of the car, and as I was doing that, I had this, uh, this momentary flash of insight that, you know, if I went any further, uh, in all likelihood, um-... you know, I'd be committing a, a violent act that I would never be able to undo, and that I'd have to, uh, you know, I'd have to accept a new identity for myself, uh, from the person who drove down that road into that farm in the first place. I'd never be that guy again. I'd be somebody else entirely. I, you know, potentially a m- uh, you know, a murderer. And that wasn't a label that, uh, I was willing to accept regardless of how much, um, revenge I wanted, and I, and I wanted it badly. Um, and I think that was, that quick insight was just enough to, you know, stop me dead in my tracks, and although I wanted revenge, I just, uh, just concluded that I wasn't willing to pay that high of a price to get it. And so, I put the gun back down on the passenger seat, pulled my leg back inside the car, shut the door, and drove home. But I'd come within seconds of, you know, a life-changing event that, um, far too many people in our world and throughout history have gone straight through and, you know, committed those acts of violence that we all learn about in the, in the news.