How Men Keep Sabotaging Themselves - Dr Robert Glover

What's wrong with being a nice guy?

What's wrong with being a nice guy? That's, that's a good question. You know, when I put out a book called No More Mr. Nice Guy, I'm sure a lot of people picked it up and said, "Wait a minute, there's already enough not nice guys out there. Why did somebody write a book teaching men how to be not nice?" The, the problem with being a nice guy, just a quick elevator pitch, is, is that a nice guy is a guy who inaccurately internalized the belief system at a very young age, "I'm not okay just as I am." So, he's trying to do two things, very unconsciously usually. One is become what he thinks, uh, everybody else wants him to be so he'll be liked and loved and get his needs met and get laid, hopefully, uh, regularly, and hide anything about himself that might get a negative reaction from people. Uh, hiding his needs, his wants, his sexuality. So, while he's trying to get laid, he's hiding his sexuality. Um, so a core problem with nice guy syndrome is nice guys tend to be un- uh, unau- authentic. Uh, they're- they're- there's not a real them there. They're trying to become something, hide something, and, uh, that tends to make them fairly dishonest, untrustworthy, frustrated, resentful, passive-aggressive, uh, uh, a whole list of traits that can go along. And, and mainly, it prevents... And I'm a recovering nice guy, so I'm not speaking down to anybody. You know, it keeps us from just being ourselves, living up to our f- our full potential, having what we want in life, having a good time. And so just a lot of baggage comes along with it.

What are the component parts of being a nice guy? What are the traits that they embody or project?

Worry... What you'll recognize most often, and what listeners may recognize in themselves, uh, core tendencies, often people-pleasing, seeking external validation, and, and for men usually that's seeking validation from women. Even, even gay guys, I find, tend to do it, uh, even if they don't plan on having sex with the women. They- w- we're- w- we can talk more about this, but we're, we're- w- we've learned from birth to please women. So there's that people-pleasing, that external validation, um, failing to live up to one's full potential, a basic core dishonesty. You know, thinking, you know, "I'm, I'm a good guy. I'm pretty honest." I al- I always laugh when men tell me they're pretty honest. I say, "Th- that's actually a contradiction of terms. Um, you're honest or you're not." Um, and, um, and just, you know, for most nice guys, there's just a certain dull depression that they live with. Just thinking, you know, "I should be happy. I should be getting what I want. I should be getting love. I, I should, I should, but I'm not, and I don't know why not." And so there's, there's a lot of characteristics. But the, the core piece you'll see the most often is that people-pleasing, that seeking of external validation.