17 Ugly Psychology Truths No One Wants To Admit - Adam Lane Smith

You love posting threads of ugly psychology truths on the internet.

I do.

I love learning about them, and then we get to talk about them on the show. So today, we're gonna go through as many as we can. The first one, which I thought was fascinating, women think that having sex with a man on the first date will bond him to her, but that doesn't work with secure men or avoidant men. It really only works with crushingly insecure men who crave approval, and women don't want to bond with those men.

Men, we don't, we don't get the same kind of hormone release that women do, and we don't process it the same. For us, it's a lot more dopamine. It's not the same level of oxytocin quite that they get. So, we are very different. Women, if they have an orgasm with a man, they're probably going to bond with him. This is why casual sex is so, so difficult for women, and especially maintaining friendships, um, and just steady platonic or, or casual friends with benefits situations for women. This is why they turn friends with benefits into situationships. This is why this happens. They will start off agreeing one thing, then do the other. You've probably seen this before, I'm sure. Um, men don't bond that way. They don't, they just don't, typically. If there's already a bond happening, yes, then having sex can be unitive, and it can make him love you and, and, and, not love you, but make him care for you more. It can increase his affection for you. It can increase the bonding. But the connection already has to be there. You don't get a guy to fall in love with you doing that. So, this whole first date, sleep with him on the first date so he'll stay around, that's a whole other thing.

Yeah, I, I wonder whether it's women using their theory of mind. I think in the evolutionary psychology literature, it's called cross-sex mind reading failures.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

So, um, they believe that if it was me, the only way that I would be able to sleep with somebody is if I felt very deeply about them. Therefore, if this happens with the man, then this is how he must feel about me, and it's a failure of, of using your own theory of mind.

You're very right. It's also, I've been studying a lot into mirroring neurons, especially when we're little children. So, when we're born, we have the amygdala, and then we have a lot of mirroring neurons. It's, it's two of the only structures that are really fully formed at birth. And our mirroring neurons, we're supposed to have mom. Mom is supposed to be paying attention to us, and, and looking at us and mirroring our expression to her so that we s- we feel interesting to people just by existing. And then, when we make a face, she mirrors it back to us, and we start mirroring each other, and we say, "Other people will respond to me. I am enough." If mom doesn't, she's depressed, she's tired, she's exhausted, she's working three jobs and is never there, we're in daycare all the time, if we've had NICU trauma, if we've had various issues, our brain says, "Mom is not mirroring me," or, or, "I can't get a response. I have to be interesting to get mom's attention." This is where kids start acting out a lot, or they go inward and don't believe they can get any kind of response. The response tries to d- dies, the desire to even connect. So then, people are trying, in dating, to be interesting. They're trying to stimulate others. Women say, "I have to sleep with him on the first date or he'll lose interest." When you hear that, her mother probably didn't mirror with her correctly. Her father didn't mirror with her correctly. She learned, "I have to be interesting and stimulating." Guys, same thing. When they try to dance for women's approval, it's that mirroring neurons all the way back. Have you... You've probably met guys like this, right? That try to be interesting instead of be real?