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ADHD Chatter Podcast3 Secrets To Manage Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD) - Matt Gupwell
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Trailer cold open: defining RSD and previewing the STOP technique
The episode opens with Matt Gupwell joking that he was already struggling with RSD about appearing, immediately illustrating how quickly it can arise. He also briefly defines RSD and previews a practical in-the-moment framework he uses called STOP.
- •Matt says he was struggling with RSD just about being on the episode
- •Alex introduces Matt’s work advising organizations and mentoring individuals
- •Matt defines RSD as an immediate, intense, visceral feeling of rejection
- •Matt previews an acronym-based strategy (STOP) for handling flare-ups
- •The opening frames RSD as powerful, fast, and difficult to shake
RSD explained: fast, overwhelming, and not a deliberate choice
Matt gives a careful description of what RSD feels like and why it can look ‘out of context’ to people who don’t experience it. He emphasizes that RSD isn’t chosen, can arrive before you recognize it, and can make functioning immediately afterward very hard.
- •RSD is described as immediate, intense, visceral rejection or hurt
- •It can be triggered by what someone says—or what’s perceived as said or not said
- •To outsiders it can seem unrealistic or disproportionate to the situation
- •Matt stresses RSD isn’t deliberate or chosen
- •The feeling can become all-consuming and disruptive right away
RSD vs emotional dysregulation: a destructive subset that’s harder to catch
Matt distinguishes RSD from broader emotional dysregulation by focusing on awareness and timing. He describes emotional dysregulation as something many people can recognize and catch, while RSD is more pervasive and tends to overwhelm before you can compute what’s happening.
- •Emotional dysregulation can happen to anyone and may be recognized quickly
- •Matt describes RSD as a pervasive, destructive subset of emotional dysregulation
- •RSD is associated with neurodivergent conditions and anxiety-rooted experiences
- •A key difference is not recognizing it’s happening until it’s already upon you
- •The speed and intensity make it uniquely difficult to manage in real time
Personal examples: narrative-building and the “insanity” moment on holiday
Matt shares how RSD impacted him even while on holiday after agreeing to record the episode. He also tells a story about interpreting a dinner-table situation as personal rejection, then later realizing the evidence didn’t support that interpretation.
- •Matt’s mind immediately questioned why he was asked instead of a more credentialed expert
- •He describes creating an internal narrative of rejection and criticism before anything happens
- •He considered backing out because he felt dysregulated
- •A hotel dinner moment triggered instant anger and rejection when others sat at a table for four
- •His wife challenged the assumption, and later the group had a pleasant evening together
Facts vs feelings: why evidence rarely helps in the moment (but helps afterward)
Alex highlights that Matt has strong evidence he’s a credible guest, yet still feels rejected. Matt explains that during RSD, feelings dominate and the ability to process facts drops, but post-event reflection can build pattern recognition of triggers and bodily signals.
- •Alex contrasts Matt’s fear with the history of successful past episodes
- •Matt says in-the-moment evidence usually can’t override RSD
- •He draws on CBT’s idea of separating feelings from facts
- •Afterward, reviewing evidence can reveal the reaction wasn’t rooted in reality
- •Learning triggers and bodily signals can help shorten recovery and improve recognition over time
Triggers, work fallout, and the emotional range of RSD
Matt describes his primary triggers as fear of being caught out or deemed not good enough. He explains how RSD interfered heavily with his employment history and shares that RSD can span rage, sadness, and even suicidal ideation, sometimes feeding into addictive behaviors.
- •Big trigger: expecting to be exposed as not good enough, clever enough, or credible
- •Matt describes waiting for confirmation of expected rejection
- •He connects longstanding workplace conflicts and exits to feedback triggering RSD
- •He shares he had many jobs and says RSD contributed to some exits
- •RSD can range from rage and sadness to suicidal ideation, and can link to acting out behaviors
Short-term coping and relationship repair: space, apology, and de-escalation
Alex and Matt discuss what to do when rage hits, including creating a pause and sometimes leaving the room. Matt validates the embarrassment and shame that can come with these strategies, then emphasizes communicating that the withdrawal is a safety valve and using facts-based debriefs after flare-ups.
- •Matt describes earlier coping via heavy drinking/smoking and urges to withdraw
- •He says CBT/DBT-style approaches can help but are hard to execute mid-trigger
- •Alex shares using pauses/removing himself, but feeling shame about needing it
- •Matt says embarrassment is real, and stresses RSD isn’t deliberate
- •They discuss apologizing carefully and revisiting what was meant, using facts to reverse-engineer the moment
Long-term strategies: talking often, psychological safety, and better feedback practices
Matt’s core long-term strategy is sustained dialogue—especially in romantic relationships—to reduce shame and build shared understanding. He extends this to workplaces, arguing that psychological safety and more factual, mindful feedback delivery can reduce repeated triggering.
- •Matt emphasizes frequent, ongoing conversations with partners
- •He describes the importance of explaining that reactions aren’t personal or intentional
- •In workplaces, he highlights psychological safety as crucial for reducing flare-ups
- •He explains how conventional performance review formats can trigger RSD quickly
- •He suggests feedback be clearer and more factual, while acknowledging many workplaces aren’t there yet
When non-ADHD partners struggle to understand RSD + “Washing machine of woes” workplace question
Matt explains why RSD can look volatile and extreme to someone who hasn’t experienced it, and stresses openness and repeated conversations. Then Alex reads a listener question about whether a boss’s criticism is personal or RSD-driven, and Matt offers ways to raise it constructively, with or without disclosing ADHD.
- •Matt says RSD can look extreme, prompting partners to wonder why it keeps happening
- •He gives an example of a small household issue feeling like an attack
- •Alex introduces the “Washing machine of woes” segment using listener submissions
- •A listener asks how to discuss frequent criticism with a boss without escalating conflict
- •Matt suggests focusing on facts, exploring alternative feedback methods, and framing impacts on work/productivity
Alexithymia explained: emotions not computing, and why facts-first communication helps
Alex asks about alexithymia and why it’s hard to understand. Matt describes it as difficulty recognizing and processing one’s own emotions (and sometimes others’), clarifies how it differs from sociopathy by emphasizing choice, and explains that facts-based communication can be more effective.
- •Alex shares he was diagnosed with alexithymia and struggles to grasp what it means
- •Matt defines alexithymia as difficulty recognizing/processing emotions such as anger or joy
- •He notes it can also affect interpreting others’ emotions and can be mistaken for coldness or lack of empathy
- •Matt contrasts alexithymia with sociopathy using the concept of choice vs deliberate disregard
- •He recommends leading with facts and cause-and-effect (“if this, then that”) in conversations
Where RSD might come from: competing theories and why it’s hard to quantify
Matt outlines multiple theories about the origins of RSD, emphasizing he’s not a clinician and is drawing from research he’s reviewed. He covers biological vulnerability plus early rejection, attachment theory, evolutionary perspectives, neurobiological factors, and cognitive bias, noting that experiences vary widely and may involve combinations.
- •Matt references notes and frames this as theory rather than clinical diagnosis
- •He lists theories including biological vulnerability plus early rejection experiences
- •He highlights attachment theory as particularly resonant and discusses mislabeling as attachment issues
- •He mentions evolutionary framing and possible neurobiological factors
- •He also cites cognitive bias/anxiety-based expectations and says quantifying causes is difficult
HALT vs STOP: a practical in-the-moment framework and a kitchen example
Matt explains the CBT-derived HALT acronym (hungry, angry, lonely, tired) and why it may not be effective once an RSD flare is already underway. He then introduces his own STOP approach—Stop, pay attention, Observe, Process—and illustrates it with a moment where a comment about the kitchen triggered him until he paused and reprocessed the situation.
- •Matt defines HALT and links it to noticing drivers behind emotional reactions
- •He says HALT is less useful once an RSD flare is already in motion
- •He introduces STOP: Stop; pay attention; Observe; Process
- •He recounts cooking dinner, feeling agitated, then reacting to a comment about the kitchen’s state
- •Using STOP helped him de-escalate and recognize it wasn’t an attack, just an observation of facts
ADHD item: juggling balls, teaching styles, and how it shaped Matt’s work
Matt explains why juggling balls represent ADHD in his life, from learning out of competitiveness to performing and teaching circus skills. He connects juggling to understanding how different brains process information and describes how online juggling during COVID led to corporate training and eventually his neurodiversity consultancy work.
- •Matt says juggling influenced most major experiences since he was 16
- •He describes escalating to more dangerous juggling and performing to earn money
- •Teaching juggling revealed differences in learning styles and information processing
- •He shares building a circus skills company and teaching large numbers of people over time
- •During COVID he moved to online teaching, weaving in neurodiversity insights that led to organizational work
RSD on social media: too generic, inaccurate, and missing the “so what?”
Matt criticizes common social media portrayals of RSD as overly quirky, comedic, or vague. He argues that recycled, not-quite-accurate content can mislead people, and he urges creators to add actionable meaning—what it changes or what to do—rather than just labeling the experience.
- •Matt says RSD is often presented as comical/quirky or overly generic online
- •He repeatedly challenges posts that define RSD without explaining implications or next steps
- •He worries misinformation gets repeated and becomes people’s default understanding
- •He acknowledges that visibility can still open conversations and prompt further research
- •He calls for more responsibility and usefulness given creators’ reach
Possible upsides: reward euphoria, remembering evidence, and progress as a win
Alex asks whether RSD can be channeled positively. Matt references the idea that praise can create intense, long-lasting euphoria, and suggests using remembered positives and small wins as counterweights to the brain’s quick slide into negativity.
- •Matt discusses a concept of intense uplift from praise as an opposite pole to rejection sensitivity
- •He links positives and negatives as extremes of the same brain process
- •He revisits the idea that being “on guard” may have a protective origin, reframed today as fear of rejection
- •He encourages recalling positive evidence when feeling rejected
- •He frames successful de-escalation after a flare-up as something worth privately acknowledging
Closing guidance: find your tribe, reduce shame, practice when calm + impulsivity stories to finish
Matt offers multiple closing suggestions for people who feel RSD is debilitating: find others who understand, identify what brings joy and purpose, and use simple repeatable processes like STOP while keeping communication open. He then explains how shame can loosen through understanding, reflection, and trying multiple strategies over time, before ending with stories about impulsive moments and injuries tied to risk-taking.
- •Matt urges listeners to find a supportive community that validates the experience
- •He suggests exploring what brings joy/peace and leaning into it during calmer periods
- •He emphasizes simple strategies don’t require expert credentials, but do require practice and reflection
- •He describes reducing shame through recognizing it’s not a personal moral failing and learning when calm rather than mid-flare
- •They close with Matt’s impulsivity anecdotes (fire-breathing while intoxicated, injuries) and Alex’s final thanks
Publisher timestamps
- 0:00Trailer
- 1:34RSD Explained
- 3:32The difference between RSD and Emotional Dysregulation
- 10:38What are your biggest triggers?
- 11:59Has RSD interfered with your working relationships?
- 15:35RSD in relationships
- 26:46Long term strategies
- 32:04Is it hard for Neurotypicals to understand RSD?
- 33:40Washing machine of woes
- 37:46What is Alexithymia?
- 43:25Theories as to the genesis of RSD
- 45:43The HALT Theory
- 51:09Your ADHD item (juggling balls)
- 56:33How RSD is depicted on social media
- 59:18The positive side of RSD
- 1:02:24Closing advice
- 1:08:46Your most impulsive thing
