By playing, you agree to uListen's Terms and Privacy Policy and YouTube's Terms of Service.

ADHD Chatter Podcast

ADHD & Relationship Issues - 17 Ways To Fix Them | Karen Doherty

Karen Doherty is a leading Neurodiversity couples therapist and coach. Over the past 22 years Karen has designed a unique coaching method which she’s used to help thousands of couples improve their relationships.

Alex PartridgehostKaren Dohertyguest

Apr 14, 202553mWatch on YouTube

Summaries, chapters, transcripts, and FAQs on this page are made by uListen, not YouTube.

Great conversations run long. Their best ideas don't have to.

uListen is free on iPhone, iPad, Android, Chrome, and Claude.

CHAPTERS

Jump to publisher timestamps

Chapter summaries

Karen's Mission and Her Work with Neurodivergent Couples
Alex asks Karen Doherty about her mission. She explains she trained as a couples therapist, wants to help people understand their dynamics and grow together, and has seen thousands of neurodivergent couples over roughly a decade.
- •Karen trained as a couples therapist rather than an individual therapist
- •Her aim is to help people understand their dynamics and harness each other's talents
- •She has worked with neurodivergent couples for around 11-12 years
- •She says challenges are more extreme with ADHD, autism or ND in a relationship, though this is easing as awareness grows
Mood Swings, Compatibility and Common Couple Problems
Alex asks about partners describing ADHD moods as completely different from day to day, and about compatibility. Karen covers mood regulation, opposites attracting, and the common problems couples bring, including RSD and differences in how brains process information.
- •Partners often describe a Jekyll and Hyde quality, though this comes up less now that couples are more aware
- •Regimented and chaotic partners are often attracted to each other, and the original attraction can become the problem
- •Mood dysregulation, RSD and communication issues are the common presenting problems
- •Two neurodivergent partners are not necessarily complementary
Rejection Sensitivity, Defensiveness and Feeling Not Good Enough
The discussion turns to RSD and whether it makes people feel unlovable. Karen explains how RSD triggers defensive responses that shut down conversation, and why feeling "not good enough" is the real issue behind withdrawal.
- •Karen says people with RSD are not unlovable; RSD is a reaction and part of the condition
- •Recognizing that a hurtful intent may not have been there helps moderate the pain
- •RSD leads to defensiveness, which pushes partners away and closes down conversation
- •Being able to say "I'm hurt, I need a moment" takes confidence, which Karen says often comes post-diagnosis
Partners Walking on Eggshells
Alex asks whether long-term partners can spot a trigger before the person knows. Karen says partners often become hypervigilant and walk on eggshells while the neurodivergent person is unaware of the fear and hurt this causes.
- •Partners can anticipate triggers before the ND person notices
- •Hypervigilance and over-facilitation are common problems in couples
- •The ND partner may not realize how much hurt or fear their partner feels
- •Partners often have no idea RSD is involved
Shame and Building a Secret Couple Language
After the Tiimo ad, Alex asks about shame after a trigger, whether the person pauses or says something nasty. Karen says couples need a compassionate space and suggests developing their own secret language of code words or signals.
- •Shame is very live and real for people struggling to manage emotions
- •Therapy aims to create a compassionate, empathic space where it's nobody's fault
- •Partners should not let the other disintegrate into shame, which is unfair and not soothing
- •Karen likes couples to develop their own code words or signals, even for use in public
Boom and Bust: Early Intensity in Relationships
Alex raises the boom and bust cycle in ADHD relationships. Karen describes the intense early merging, why it can't be rationed, how it can confuse an NT partner, and how interest can fade after commitment.
- •Boom or bust applies to both sides of a neurodivergent couple
- •Early merging and chemical intensity is stronger for ND people, but equally intense for the partner
- •Karen says the first boom can't be rationed; awareness of the pattern helps
- •Many of her clients got together very quickly
- •An NT partner can find the pulling back confusing and frightening, but couples do make the transition
Can a Child Fix a Struggling Relationship?
Alex asks whether problem-solving ADHDers who suggest having a child to bring shared focus are making a good choice. Karen says absolutely not, and discusses how child-rearing strains couples and how family modeling and genetics can affect children.
- •Karen says a child never solved a relational problem; it only gives a short-term mutual focus
- •Child-rearing is relentless and takes attention from the couple, leaving the ND partner feeling rejected and lonely
- •The NT partner can end up feeling the same way
- •Genetics and family-of-origin modeling can pass difficulties on to children
- •Children can motivate improvement but are not a reason to have children
When Couples Aren't Destined to Stay Together
Alex asks whether some people are just not meant to be together. Karen describes how repeated missed connections can mean a relationship has run its course, using a recent client who asked when enough is enough.
- •Repeated cycles and missed red flags can wear a couple down
- •Partners can keep missing each other, like sliding doors
- •A recent client asked "when is enough enough?" and Karen said she thought it was
- •Both partners already knew, and had given it their best
Success Stories: Couples Who Come Back Stronger
Alex asks for success stories of couples in crisis. Karen gives examples involving an affair seen through a neurodivergent lens and a couple who realized neurodiversity was present on both sides, and says couples can emerge stronger.
- •Karen says she has seen many couples recover
- •Affairs are treated as a symptom of existing cracks, and a neurodivergent lens helps couples restart
- •One couple recalibrated after realizing both partners had neurodiverse challenges
- •Couples can come back much stronger and more open
- •Karen encourages negotiating a "couple deal" that changes across life phases
Media Stigma and Seeing Neurodiversity's Potential
Alex asks about a partner who thinks ADHD isn't real. Karen discusses how media can trivialize neurodivergent conditions, while arguing neurodivergent brains suit the modern technological world.
- •Karen says people saying "we've all got a bit of ADHD" trivializes complex conditions
- •She says neurodiversity finally has a voice and it matters how it is used
- •She says neurodivergent brains are well suited to today's global technological environment
- •Couples and the media should see neurodivergence's full potential
Positives of ADHD and the Problem with 'Disability'
Alex asks what ADHD brings to a relationship. Karen cites fun and spontaneity, and describes the classic ND/NT couple fit with early trauma on both sides. She says framing ADHD as a disability creates inequality and over-facilitation.
- •ADHD brings fun, spontaneity and living in the moment
- •ND and NT partners both tend to have highly developed defenses and often early trauma
- •Karen works with both partners' challenges rather than a disability framing
- •Over-facilitating disables the other partner and risks a carer dynamic
- •Couples need to harness both sets of skills and challenges
What Unity Means in Couples Therapy
After the Hallowell ad, Alex asks Karen what unity means and why it matters when a neurodiverse person is involved. She says the differences in processing must be worked on together, and many couples don't know each other's needs.
- •Processing differences have to be harnessed by the couple together
- •A couple builds a base for both autonomous and interdependent lives
- •Unity means aligning thinking, talents, skills and quirks and having their own language
- •Many couples have never discussed each other's needs
- •Couples therapy gives space to provoke that thinking
Karen's ADHD Item: Hello Kitty as a Couple Code Word
Karen reveals her ADHD item, a Hello Kitty cat. She explains it represents a symbol couples choose to signal trouble and remind them why they are together.
- •A recent couple used their cat's name as a code word
- •The symbol must carry meaning for both partners and recall good times
- •It can be a food, a place or a memory from any phase of the relationship
- •Scripts help change habits around predictable dysregulation, RSD and withdrawal
Agony Aunt: Helping a Partner Understand You Without Shouting
In the washing machine of woes, a listener asks how to get a partner who thinks they're useless to understand without shouting. Karen advises not shouting, educating the partner and leading with positives, and discusses kind scripts and praise.
- •Shouting reinforces the partner's existing views
- •Educate your partner about your strengths first, then your challenges
- •Kindness and reciprocity lay positive foundations
- •A kind script like "thank you for saying that, I'll think about it" can replace defensiveness
- •Alex links this to starting with praise to dilute the sting of later criticism
Letter from the Previous Guest: Prioritizing Yourself and Being Kind
Karen reads the previous guest's three rules and reflects on prioritizing yourself. She says partners of ND people can mistake recovery for self-obsession, and stresses caring for the body and being kind.
- •The rules read out were to prioritize yourself, be kind, and think about what you eat
- •Karen says partners may see too much self-prioritizing when the person is actually recovering
- •She stresses looking after the body, including movement
- •Alex says you must ring-fence your own wellbeing for a relationship to work
- •Karen ends on being kind

Publisher timestamps

Get more out of YouTube videos.

Read along on your phone, search it beside the video, or ask your favorite AI app what was said.