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ADHD Chatter PodcastADHD Chatter Podcast

ADHD & Relationship Issues - 17 Ways To Fix Them | Karen Doherty

Karen Doherty is a leading Neurodiversity couples therapist and coach. Over the past 22 years Karen has designed a unique coaching method which she’s used to help thousands of couples improve their relationships.

Alex PartridgehostKaren Dohertyguest
Apr 14, 202553mWatch on YouTube

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At a glance

WHAT IT’S REALLY ABOUT

Couples Therapist Karen Doherty on Fixing ADHD Relationship Problems Through Understanding

  1. Karen Doherty says the most common problems neurodivergent couples bring are mood dysregulation, rejection sensitivity dysphoria (RSD), and communication difficulties caused by differences in how brains process information.
  2. She explains that RSD triggers defensiveness and withdrawal that shut down conversation, and that partners often walk on eggshells without the ND person realizing it.
  3. Doherty describes the intense early merging and later withdrawal of interest in ND relationships, and argues that having a child to fix relationship problems is a bad idea.
  4. She recommends practical tools such as a couple's secret language or code word tied to a positive shared symbol, kind scripts for responding to triggers, and leading with praise.
  5. She stresses viewing ADHD as a set of challenges both partners share rather than a disability, since a carer dynamic and over-facilitation undermine the relationship, and she highlights positives like fun and spontaneity.

IDEAS WORTH REMEMBERING

5 ideas

RSD is a reaction, not proof of being unlovable

Doherty says RSD is part of how information is processed and shaped by experience; recognizing that no hurtful intention may have existed won't remove the pain but helps moderate and manage it.

Defensiveness closes down conversation

She says a triggered person pushes their partner away to recover, and if the partner defends back, the conversation is over; saying 'I'm hurt and need a moment to recover' changes the situation immediately, though it takes confidence that often comes post-diagnosis.

The early relationship boom can't be rationed

Doherty says the intense initial merging cannot be rationed, but awareness of the pattern helps; the couple must manage the transition into something more permanent, which can be hugely confusing for an NT partner.

A child won't solve relational problems

She answers 'Absolutely not' to having a child to create shared focus, saying child-rearing is relentless and distracts from the couple, and unresolved dysfunction can pass difficult models and possible undiagnosed ND genetics to the child.

Build a couple language tied to good memories

Doherty helps couples develop code words or signals, using a shared symbol like a beloved cat's name, to flag when things are going wrong and remind both why they are together.

WORDS WORTH SAVING

5 quotes

You know, long-term relationships are nothing other than hard work and lots of love.

— Karen Doherty

When did a child ever, ever solve a relational problem? It didn't. It really didn't.

— Karen Doherty

Because the minute you set it up as some sort of disability, you've got a carer, or you've got somebody who might need to care, and that's, that's really how the relationships start to go wrong.

— Karen Doherty

Do you know how many couples I see that actually have no idea of each other's needs? It's remarkable.

— Karen Doherty

So many people lose, lose the habit of being kind to their partner, and it makes such a difference.

— Karen Doherty

Read the available transcript
Mood dysregulation and RSDDefensiveness and withdrawal in couplesBoom and bust in early relationshipsHaving children to fix a relationshipCouple secret language and code wordsNeurodiversity in media and stigmaUnity and understanding each other's needs

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SPEAKERS

  • Alex Partridge

    host

    Host of the podcast "ADHD Chatter" who interviews guests about ADHD and related life topics.

  • Karen Doherty

    guest

    Couples therapist specializing in neurodivergent/ADHD relationship dynamics and clinical strategies for couples.

High quality AI-generated summary created from speaker-labeled transcript.

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