ADHD Chatter PodcastThe Emotional Cost Of Undiagnosed ADHD & How To Reverse It | Dr Lalitaa Suglani (Psychologist)
At a glance
WHAT IT’S REALLY ABOUT
Undiagnosed ADHD’s hidden emotional toll, masking, and paths to healing
- ADHD often presents beyond stereotypical hyperactivity, especially when people have learned coping strategies like people-pleasing, perfectionism, and “high functioning” masking.
- Years of undiagnosed ADHD can produce grief reactions (anger, denial, bargaining, acceptance), chronic shame, anxiety, depression, and profound disconnection when others only see the “swan above water.”
- Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria is framed as a shame-avoidance loop that distorts perception (“tinted sunglasses”) and drives avoidance of opportunities, relationships, and authentic self-expression.
- “High functioning” can mean “high masking,” which may increase loneliness and burnout by prioritizing others’ regulation and approval over one’s own needs and identity.
- Practical support includes building self-awareness of dopamine/novelty cycles, breaking tasks into smaller steps to reduce overwhelm, and working with therapy that goes deeper than surface symptom management (including inner-child and nervous-system regulation work).
IDEAS WORTH REMEMBERING
5 ideasADHD can be invisible when masking is strong.
Dr. Suglani stresses that the absence of obvious fidgeting doesn’t rule out ADHD; many people compensate through perfectionism, people-pleasing, and over-responsibility, which can delay recognition and support.
Late discovery often triggers a grief process, not just relief.
After diagnosis (or realizing ADHD fits), people may cycle through anger, denial, bargaining, and acceptance—mourning lost time and feeling let down by adults, teachers, and systems that missed the signs.
“High functioning” may actually be self-abandonment.
What looks like competence can be relentless internal effort—rumination, hypervigilance, emotional suppression—leading to burnout, sleep disruption, and the sense that it’s “me vs. me.”
RSD operates like a perception filter that fuels avoidance.
Interpreting neutral cues as rejection can create anticipatory anxiety (e.g., not applying for a role to avoid potential “not chosen” shame), shrinking life choices across work, dating, and friendships.
ADHD loneliness comes from being unseen, even when surrounded by people.
Masking wins approval for the “performing self,” while the inner experience remains unsupported; connection often improves when people meet others who share the same “language” and intensity of perception.
WORDS WORTH SAVING
5 quotesThey see the, the gracefulness of the swan above the water, but underneath you're paddling, you're overthinking, you're ruminating, you're thinking about everyone else, what they might be thinking. No one sees that side.
— Dr. Lalitaa Suglani
You might be going home every day crying yourself to sleep. You might be going home having suicidal thoughts. You might be going home feeling very like no one really sees me.
— Dr. Lalitaa Suglani
Because there's so many of us going round in life believing we're not good enough, that we're broken, that there's something wrong with you, and that limits, like, it really limits you.
— Dr. Lalitaa Suglani
A lot of people with ADHD, there is something called ADHD loneliness, where you feel very disconnected from people that don't understand you.
— Dr. Lalitaa Suglani
It's not ADHD sitting in your driving seat and driving you through life. It's almost like it's a passenger and you're the driver, and you're using it as and when, and you know and understand how it shows up, so you can then tap into it when you need it and not just feel like it's taking you through life.
— Dr. Lalitaa Suglani
High quality AI-generated summary created from speaker-labeled transcript.
