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BigDeal by Codie Sanchez

Negotiation Expert: Stop Arguing, Start Winning | Kwame Christian

My new book Own Or Be Owned is out now! I wrote Own or Be Owned to answer one question: How do you make more money, less miserably?

Kwame ChristianguestCodie Sanchezhost

Aug 7, 202558mWatch on YouTube

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CHAPTERS

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Chapter summaries

From People Pleaser to Negotiation Expert
Kwame Christian explains that law school showed him negotiation is a skill, not a talent, and that he had been a people pleaser for most of his life. He also says he tries not to argue, because winning an argument comes at a cost.
- •Law school showed him negotiation is a learnable skill
- •He describes himself as a people pleaser earlier in life
- •Other people may feel limited for the same reason
- •He stays calm in business deals but struggles at home, where the relationship matters so much
Why Being Right Isn't Being Persuasive
Responding to Codie's question about the worst way to start a conversation, Kwame says opening with "I'm right" implies the other person is wrong. People then resist, and winning the argument can cost the relationship. Codie shares her own experience of shutting down in an argument, and Kwame suggests "commentating the conversation."
- •There is a difference between being right and being persuasive
- •Winning an argument can build resentment and quiet undermining
- •Often the person just wants to be seen, heard and understood
- •Codie describes flight-style shutdown and says not caring is worse than fighting
- •Commentating the conversation means stepping into the commentator's booth and naming what is happening
Anchoring and Making the First Offer
Kwame explains anchoring as opening with the most aggressive request you can reasonably justify, using a study of Gandhi's age at death. He says who should make the first offer depends on who has more information.
- •Anchoring sets a reference point for the whole negotiation
- •The study primed one group with 14 and another with 140, and their guesses differed by about 17 years
- •Make the first offer if you have as much or more information; otherwise wait and counter
- •Each offer carries information you can re-anchor from
Codie's Business-Buying Anchor and the Because Test
Codie describes how she opens with sellers by sharing typical business multiples and asking for their view. Kwame calls it textbook: it drops an anchor, stays respectful and collaborative, and passes the "because test" of objective and legitimate criteria.
- •Codie cites a 2 to 3x profit range and invites the seller's take
- •The because test: finish "I'm offering this because..." with objective and legitimate criteria
- •Objective means it comes from a third party; legitimate means both sides would respect it
- •Frame the offer as collaborative rather than steamrolling
Compassionate Curiosity Framework
Kwame presents his three-step mental model, compassionate curiosity, drawn from 1,600 podcast episodes with top negotiators and communicators. Codie then says she wants to get tactical about hard conversations.
- •Step one: acknowledge and validate emotions
- •Step two: ask questions with compassion once the emotional temperature drops
- •Step three: use joint problem-solving, you and me versus the problem
- •It is a flow, not a rigid script
Talking to Someone You Don't Like: Sacrificing the Past
Asked how to start a hard conversation with someone you dislike, Kwame says pretending nothing happened is a kind of gaslighting that creates resistance. He recommends clearing the air and focusing on the future.
- •Acting as if past conflict didn't happen is disrespectful
- •Clear the air and state your goal is to reconnect, not re-litigate
- •Pain and resentment live in the past, so keep the conversation in the future tense
- •Codie compares saying the quiet part out loud to deflating a balloon
Memory, Gaslighting and Your BATNA
Codie asks whether people who fight can remember what was said. Kwame says memory is bad, so accusations of gaslighting may be unintentional, and he advises watching for patterns. If gaslighting is intentional, he says to disengage rather than win the argument, and ties your power to your alternatives.
- •Memory is unreliable, with an example from his own sales conversation
- •Give people the benefit of the doubt but watch for repeated patterns
- •Don't try to win an argument about what is real with a manipulator
- •Power comes from alternatives (BATNA), so look at what keeps you connected to the person
How to End an Argument Cleanly
Kwame shows how to walk away cleanly: acknowledge progress, propose returning another day, and own the pause. When the other person keeps talking, he asks what they still want to accomplish and offers a summary.
- •Attention fades after 60 to 90 minutes in mediation, so pause and return later
- •Acknowledge progress, then say you have nothing more to add and need to mull it over
- •If they keep going, ask what they still want to accomplish
- •Summarize what they've said and ask if there's anything else
- •Either something was left unsaid, or they just want to hurt you
Overexplaining and Seeing Yourself Clearly
Kwame says overexplaining gives away power by seeking validation from others, and tells how he realized his own difficulty with being alone. He suggests watching reality TV for why conversations break down and asking what he would tell a client.
- •Overexplaining means seeking from others what you can't give yourself
- •His arguments with his wife during residency traced back to loneliness
- •Watching conversations break down on reality TV builds self-awareness
- •Ask yourself what you'd tell a client or someone else to do
- •Codie brings up a friend's idea of imagining what an audience watching your life would scream at you to do
Questions Over Statements: Comebacks and the Brain
Kwame says the best comeback is to get the other person talking with pointed questions until they see the gaps in their own reasoning. He follows the 70/30 listening rule and explains how the amygdala and frontal lobe work against each other.
- •Aim for the other side to speak 70% of the time
- •Ask them to explain how they reached a conclusion, then ask about contradictions
- •Help people see how wrong they are themselves rather than telling them
- •Every point invites an equal and opposite counterpoint
- •Emotional people can't think logically, so being right doesn't matter
Building Likability and Trust
Asked how to talk to someone who doesn't like you, Kwame says the problem is usually a trust deficit that comes before the conflict. He cites trust gained in drips and lost in buckets, the mere exposure effect, and the five-to-one positive ratio, with a story about a specific compliment.
- •Trust is gained in drips but lost in buckets
- •The mere exposure effect: repeated neutral or positive contact builds liking
- •Don't only interact with people when there's a problem
- •Studies say five positive interactions to one negative
- •Specific, genuine compliments hit hard, like the one he gave an Uber driver
- •Tell someone you appreciate them, with no agenda
Addressing Bad Behavior: Situation, Impact, Invitation
Asked how to expose bad behavior in a way people can hear, Kwame recommends a 24-hour shot clock against overthinking and the situation-impact-invitation framework. He also advises replacing "why" questions with "what" or "how".
- •Give yourself a 24-hour shot clock to act
- •Situation: state naked facts without judgment
- •Impact: personalize the effect rather than globalizing it
- •Invitation: ask when to talk about it
- •"Why" triggers judgment, so ask "what led to that decision?" or "how did you come to that conclusion?"
Managing Your Emotions in Heated Conversations
Kwame says people prepare strategically but not emotionally, and describes rehearsing triggers like an Olympian. In the moment he takes notes, runs compassionate curiosity internally, squeezes his toes, and uses box breathing. He applies the same practice idea to teaching his four-year-old to breathe.
- •Emotionally rehearse what could upset you, like Michael Phelps with his goggles
- •Use a notepad to buy time while processing
- •Anger is often a secondary emotion, so ask what else you're feeling
- •Squinch toes and practice box breathing in the mirror so it doesn't show
- •Practice regulation before the heated moment, as with his son's candle-blowing cue
Being Called Too Sensitive, Crying and Mediation Lessons
Kwame says telling someone they're too sensitive is ineffective, and that the person on the receiving end can ask for a pause. He suggests giving crying a better story in advance and recalls giving people tissues in mediation. He also describes his shuttle-diplomacy approach.
- •Telling someone they're too sensitive doesn't make them resilient
- •Give yourself permission to pause, since late-night arguments set you up for failure
- •Tell people beforehand that tears come from caring
- •Reassure someone who is crying that you aren't judging them
- •In mediation he kept hostile parties in separate rooms and brought them together near the end
Handling Interruptions and Treating Conversations as Meditation
Kwame says interruption is often a personality trait, so raise awareness and ask the person what they think your point is. He says he treats tough conversations as tools of self-awareness rather than only ways to get what he wants.
- •Extroverts may interrupt without realizing it
- •Say you weren't finished and ask them to let you finish
- •Ask what they think your point is, without dunking on them
- •Expect interruptions to continue but diminish as you use the techniques
- •Treat conversations as a game of staying calm and self-aware
Three Core Skills and Closing Reflections
Kwame says the best negotiators fall back on three skills: listening, asking questions and managing emotions. He also shares a regret about keeping underperforming employees too long, and leaves listeners with the idea that every conversation is practice.
- •Tactics are just combinations of listening, asking questions and managing emotions
- •Human connection is the edge in big deals
- •Codie links this to Chris Voss and his hostage negotiation
- •Kwame regrets keeping people on "life support" at his company
- •Everything is practice, so tough conversations are good reps

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