The Rise, The Fall & The Rebuild Of True Geordie | E87

Brian’s council‑estate childhood – fighting, authority issues, genetic aggression from his father and compassion from his mother – created a ‘cocktail’ of traits that later amplified under fame and money. When YouTube success arrived, those same unprocessed traits (ego, rebellion, chip on his shoulder) manifested as wild spending, heavy drinking, sexual risk-taking and combative behavior. The lesson: if you don’t process your upbringing and wiring, success doesn’t erase it – it magnifies it.

After walking away from a £10k‑a‑month diving job to pursue YouTube, Brian eventually earned enough to buy a £100k Audi R8 in cash, then quickly cycled through a McLaren and a Bentley. He admits he was addicted to the ‘new’ feeling and status, using cars, clubs and excess to fill internal gaps. He recognises this as common among people from nothing (like rappers) and frames it as a ‘healthy lesson’ he needed to burn through early. Actionable angle: if your spending is about feelings rather than function, you’re likely medicating, not just consuming.

In the same week, Brian lost a multi‑million, multi‑year betting sponsorship that he’d already mentally spent (including on rent and tax) and had his explicit DMs leaked, becoming a Twitter punchline. Viewers saw only the jokes; they didn’t see the lost deal, looming tax bill, and production debts. The convergence left him drinking heavily, smoking weed, waking in dread, and seriously planning suicide. He stresses that online pile‑ons rarely account for the unseen pressures beneath the surface.

Brian is explicit that he is *not* recommending his path, but he explains his reasoning: in the immediate aftermath of his ‘fall’ and previously when his mum died, he drank himself to sleep nightly to numb the pain and ‘just get a few weeks under his belt’ until things became marginally more bearable. Only later, once he had minimal distance and stability (keeping shows going, finding a sponsor), could he begin to address underlying issues. This highlights a pragmatic (if risky) survival instinct: in acute crisis, the priority can be getting through days, then rebuilding.

Brian describes reaching a stage where ‘I’ll just kill myself’ became an automatic answer to stresses, from finances to criticism. He was having daily suicidal thoughts, nightmares, angry outbursts at friends, and waking up thinking, ‘I really don’t want to live anymore.’ Crucially, a part of him became frightened *for* himself, recognising he was ‘a liability’ and likely to act on these thoughts. That fear prompted him to call his doctor one morning and ask for ‘whatever you’ve got,’ leading to antidepressants that he credits with saving his life and stabilising his mood.