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The Diary of a CEOThe Diary of a CEO

The Rise, The Fall & The Rebuild Of True Geordie | E87

This weeks episode entitled ‘The Rise, The Fall & The Rebuild Of True Geordie’ topics: 0:00 Inro 3:27 Your early years 9:53 The rise of True Geordie 17:16 The fall of True Geordie 31:33 You Mother 36:54 Your Dad 42:25 Your experiences with anxiety 43:51 Your depression 50:15 You never relax 54:19 Attaching your happiness to a future goals 59:59 Whats the big ambition? 01:04:10 Do you get the credit you deserve? 01:17:16 Do you think you’re happy? 01:18:59 Reaching my goals… or at least trying to 01:27:40 How has fitness been for your mental health? 01:31:05 You stopped podcasting & turned off comments? Brian: https://www.youtube.com/c/TrueGeordie/ https://twitter.com/TrueGeordieTG https://instagram.com/TrueGeordieOffi... Listen on: Apple podcast - https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/the-diary-of-a-ceo-by-steven-bartlett/id1291423644 Spotify - https://open.spotify.com/show/7iQXmUT7XGuZSzAMjoNWlX FOLLOW ► Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/steven/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/SteveBartlettSC Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/steven-bartlett-56986834/ Sponsors: https://uk.huel.com/ https://fiverr.com/ceo

True Geordie (Brian Davis)guestSteven Bartletthost
Jul 5, 20211h 42mWatch on YouTube ↗

EVERY SPOKEN WORD

  1. 0:00 – 3:27

    Inro

    1. TD

      ... feel like I'm struggling to breathe. It blew my fucking mind. I don't know whose dick I've gotta suck to get fucking respect round here.

    2. SB

      True Geordie went through incredible adversity to get to where he is today: depression, anxiety. And he's one of the few people that's willing to tell you about it.

    3. TD

      My ego was just going fucking crazy. "I'm the man." All the worst parts of me amplified. It was, it was better than a drug. It was better than anything. It was like, "Wow." I would have carried on doing that, probably, if I hadn't have had a moment of like, boom. It just felt like everything I'd been building to had been, like, really, like, fucked up. I know I needed humbled, but it was brutal. I literally wanted to kill myself, like. You know, I really, really did. When you love someone more than anything else in this world, that matters more than anything. And where others would have capitalized on a sob story, she was far too precious for me to share. She was mine. She wasn't there for anyone else. She was just my mum. And I miss her every fucking day, bro. But once you give it, there's no taking it back. The day I don't need money anymore, that's gonna be a scary day for the rest of me. And I... I don't, I don't wanna let the fans down and, and I don't wanna stop doing what they, they love me for, but...

    4. SB

      True Geordie, Brian. He's one of the real pioneers in the YouTube space. He runs one of the biggest football shows, the biggest podcasts, the biggest boxing shows, and much, much more. But he is, at heart, not the guy you see on screen. He is a gentle giant, one born in a council estate who went through incredible adversity to get to where he is today. Billions of views. His conversations seem to sway cultural conversation, but he's still not getting what he deserves, in his opinion and in mine. When you see True Geordie, what you see is this big, six-foot-five guy with tattoos and huge muscles. But when you peel the layers back, you find the total opposite. You find a small kid in there, one that's still living in the council estate in his mind, and one that's missing his mother after her tragic death a few years ago. He's been to rock bottom: depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation. And he's one of the few people that's willing to tell you about it, and tell you about it with full honesty and vulnerability. I've known Brian a long time, and I've been so fascinated by him because he appears to be this contradiction. He appears to be someone that does not give a eff, but at the same time, he's incredibly, incredibly sensitive. To me, he's the ultimate reminder that we are all a contradiction, and that you should never judge a book by its cover. What you're gonna hear today are some stories that Brian has never told, stories that will move you, some that might move you to tears, but also stories that will inspire you and teach you some important life lessons about what it really is to be a human being, scars and all. Without further ado, I'm Steven Bartlett, and this is the Diary of a CEO. I hope nobody's listening, but if you are, then please keep this to yourself. How would you define and describe the rise of True Geordie? And when I say that, I'm talking about

  2. 3:27 – 9:53

    Your early years

    1. SB

      ... Take me back-

    2. TD

      The early days.

    3. SB

      ... to the early days.

    4. TD

      Okay.

    5. SB

      The stuff that made you the, who you are today.

    6. TD

      Um, I'm an opportunistic person. Uh, I, I... When I see a, a tiny little op- like thing, I just blow it open straightaway. So, like, uh, the first, um, thing that happened to me was I made a random rant about a footballer that went viral, didn't really do YouTube at all, just boom. And then loads of people seeing it in the North East, it was like, "Look at this crazy son of a bitch," 'cause no one really did stuff like that there. And I was one of the first guys to do a football rant.

    7. SB

      I wanna go back further.

    8. TD

      What? Really?

    9. SB

      Yeah.

    10. TD

      What... Further in how? What, like-

    11. SB

      I wanna know the, the, the, the, the k- insecure kid on the council estate.

    12. TD

      Oh, right. Okay. Um, kind of sensitive inside but had to act sort of tough, because if you didn't, you would be fucked up (laughs) like, you know, on the estate. Like, like my shed once got burned down, like set on fire just by some kids just 'cause it was a shed and it was there. You know, like you had to carry yourself in a certain way 'cause all of our dads were in prison. All of our dads. Like, it was, like, weird, you know what I mean? So we were sort of raising each other. And like, I was like a milk kid at school just 'cause I could, like, drink extra milk and that at like-

    13. SB

      (laughs)

    14. TD

      ... dinner time and stuff. And, uh, I was smart, obviously. I'm, I'm a smart guy, but, like, I was looked upon as, like, a nightmare. Like, my... When I was 10 years old, my teacher told my mother at parents' evening, she went, "You can just tell when some of them are destined for prison, can't you?"

    15. SB

      You j-

    16. TD

      But, like, she worded it like that, you know what I mean? And my mum's like, "I know exactly what you're saying." But, like, it was 'cause I hated her. She didn't understand me, get me. She talked down to me. So being talked down to, that really pisses me off, even at a 10-year-old age. Like, I didn't like that. You can win me over and I'll be, I'll be brilliant for you, but just respect there's ask me. Don't tell me. You know? Like, even...

    17. SB

      Yeah.

    18. TD

      And I know that's, like, a naive way to look at the world, but I was 10 and I just had a chip on my shoulder. And, um, yeah, didn't like authority. Um, and, but I always was quite, like, a little bit competitive. Uh, I remember, like, there was a couple of kids... Like, just little random memories I have of, like, I was fighting all the time. But, like, I remember I always thought of myself as one of the smarter lads. And there was this thing about, like, some sort of school day where they selected, like, the brightest boys and the brightest girls, and I wasn't selected. And I'm up there thinking, "I'm smarter than them." You know? Like, but...... I couldn't prove it or whatever, or, I don't know. It was, I was in detention a lot. I got thrown out of school multiple times. Once for pissing on the, (laughs) uh, the school teacher's lounge window and telling them all to fuck off when I was eight years old. One for fighting, uh, just, just wi- like rebellious, you know? But, like, but with a brain, and I just needed to, like, find something, uh-

    19. SB

      What caused you to be that rebellious eight-year-old kid?

    20. TD

      I think it's genetic a little bit. My dad was a rebellious man, very much so. My mum, not at all. My mum, loving, caring, kind, Mother Teresa. My dad, uh, like a punk rocker who wanted ... He, like, he did mad shit when he was at school. Like, took the whole school on strike once just 'cause he didn't like a teacher, and, like, he, he was known for, like, he was thrown out of schools for, like, beating teachers up and stuff like that. 'Cause when he was, like, 14 violence was his life, you know what I mean?

    21. SB

      Do you actually think it's genetic?

    22. TD

      I think that, um, yeah, I think, I think part of what makes me aggressive is my genetic, yeah, 'cause even the look I get on my face when I'm about to fight is identical to the look my dad gets. Like, it's that, that switch. Do you know what I mean? So, I'm lucky that I've got it diluted with the kindness of my mother, and I finally managed to channel the aggression into, later on in life, into, like, focus-

    23. SB

      Mm-hmm.

    24. TD

      ... into drive, into the good stuff. You know what I mean? But at the time, I didn't... I was overwhelmed with whatever the fuck was going on in my head. I didn't really know what the hell it was.

    25. SB

      I had Joe Wicks sat here, you know, The Body Coach guy, and he, um, he told me about his mum and his dad, and his mum was very, very caring and compassionate-

    26. TD

      Mm-hmm.

    27. SB

      ... and his dad would punch do- um, holes in the door-

    28. TD

      (laughs) Yeah.

    29. SB

      ... every day and, you know, was violent and abusive.

    30. TD

      Mm-hmm.

  3. 9:53 – 17:16

    The rise of True Geordie

    1. SB

      If you do, all you have to do is hit the subscribe button, and now that the world is opened up, you'll be behind the scenes as many of our subscribers have been. I can't wait to meet you. So take me through the ride. So we, I know every- it's well documented how you became to be a YouTuber.

    2. TD

      Yeah, apologies, I'm just used to rehearsing it now.

    3. SB

      Yeah, I know. Yeah, yeah. And I, I d-

    4. TD

      You're the same.

    5. SB

      Yeah, yeah.

    6. TD

      You, you, you tell the story a l- a lot, that you just rolls off the tongue and it loses its emotion-

    7. SB

      Yeah.

    8. TD

      ... because I've said it that many times, but ...

    9. SB

      Yeah. So you, you, you, you rose as a YouTuber. I wanna get to the point where we, you know, money starts coming in.

    10. TD

      Mm.

    11. SB

      'Cause for me, uh, 23, 24 years old, when money started coming in, I was going to every nightclub on the weekend and getting five bottles of Dom Perignon, and I was trying to fill some kind of gap in me.

    12. TD

      Mm-hmm.

    13. SB

      And from what I saw in your videos, you did a similar, followed a similar path.

    14. TD

      Well, I'd, I'd had a bit of money before YouTube 'cause I was working offshore on the oil rigs, doing me deep sea diving, so that was good money. I was earning about £10,000 a month doing that, and that was a bit of a wild lifestyle, 'cause I was young, I was working class, I was surrounded by men who were military men who wanted to go out, beat men up and fuck women and take drugs and, and, and get drunk, you know? So I was surrounded ... They were my male role models. N- uh, you know? So it was a crazy lifestyle, that. So that was kind of partly me getting raised by these fucking men around me, and then obviously, um, when I found YouTube, it was like a rebirth of, like, "Oh." Um, like, I, I went in ... It's a long story, but I went into a bit of depression coming out of diving and not knowing what the fuck I wanted to do with my life 'cause I didn't know ... Like, I kn- I knew I didn't wanna be a diver anymore. I knew I was done with that, and when I found YouTube it felt like a little, uh, window of hope, and then obviously that took off, and once I, uh, once I started getting money, yeah, it was like, "Okay, I, I've, I made it." 'Cause I, I basically gave up my money. I chose YouTube as a path to happiness. That was the idea, was give up the money, forget about that, you're not happy doing that job. I'd rather make minimum wage doing videos than make, uh, six figures doing diving. So I went on that path, and then, uh, uh, it dawned on me, "Oh, I'm gonna make more money doing this actually." Once, uh, once I was in the thousands a month, it was a bit of a, "Oh fuck," like, "Okay."... how do I handle this? And, I thought I had a good handle on it. Like, it was little stuff at first; new car, move, move house, better place and all that. And then, once I came to London, that was when it really went tits up, to be honest with you. I just started spending money like crazy. I bought three new cars in the space of about 18 months. Um, not all together. Like, one after the other sort of thing. But like, um, it- I was able to get things that I never dreamt possible, and that was the moment of like, "Oh, I can have this?" Like, my favorite car ever. Wow. Uh, bought an Audi R8 first.

    15. SB

      Nice.

    16. TD

      That went fast.

    17. SB

      Nice.

    18. TD

      Nice blue Audi R8. Beautiful. Then I swapped that for a McLaren, uh, which they had the convertible, the roof come down.

    19. SB

      Oh, nice.

    20. TD

      I thought I was the dog's bollocks in that.

    21. SB

      Mm-hmm.

    22. TD

      Especially a guy like me. Like, "W- what the fuck am I doing in a McLaren?"

    23. SB

      (laughs) yeah, yeah, yeah.

    24. TD

      You know, it looked ridiculous-

    25. SB

      When you see it in the car.

    26. TD

      ... 'cause I'm so huge and that. And then I swapped that for a Bentley, um, GT, 6 liter, um, the continental.

    27. SB

      Mm-hmm.

    28. TD

      Um, white leather interior.

    29. SB

      Ugh.

    30. TD

      Gorgeous. Yeah.

  4. 17:16 – 31:33

    The fall of True Geordie

    1. TD

      I think I just skipped like the good years to Elvis at the end. Do you know what I mean? Like, I just went s- full throttle. Um, so yeah.

    2. SB

      You said boom.

    3. TD

      Oh, yeah. Yeah. So I had a bit of a moment where everything was just, you know, came crashing down. There was, um, a lot of people know there was the DMs.

    4. SB

      Mm-hmm.

    5. TD

      But also in the same week, there was the, um, the loss of a huge deal, um, which-

    6. SB

      For anybody that doesn't know the DMs, some, somebody leaks some DMs that you're selling some sexual DMs.

    7. TD

      Yeah, yeah. Some sexual DMs that were, were out there.

    8. SB

      Yeah, yeah.

    9. TD

      Um, and, uh, me being the crazy wild bastard that I was at that moment, you know, drinking a lot, just doing all sort of ju- just fucking lost my way. And then in the same week, I also had a, a deal that was on the table that was pretty much negotiated, done, signed, sealed, delivered, which would've secured my financial future for the next two years with a huge company, big betting company.... multi-million pound deal. It wasn't, it wasn't just one, you know what I mean? It was the, the deal. Um, and they had hired a new guy who thought he knew better than the last guy. Um, and he, I think he just, like, didn't like me. Th- it, he also, I think it was partly, like, you don't want to carry on th- the work of the guy who used to have your job.

    10. SB

      Ah, man.

    11. TD

      So, he, he was trying to find any reason he could to, um, you know, fuck it up and, uh, you know, he did what he did. We got to a point where I was like, "Are you gonna do the deal or not, mate?" Like, and there was, um, I can't go into specifics 'cause I, I agreed to, like, keep it, you know, respectful, like, but there were some things asked of me which were just outrageous and, um, we, we, we couldn't move on, basically. And I'm, I'm very glad I didn't because otherwise everything I now have m- might, it might not have ended up that way. Do you know what I mean?

    12. SB

      Mm-hmm.

    13. TD

      When, when you're put in a position where do you wanna, do you wanna keep your ownership of things or, or not? You know what I mean? So, uh, but yeah, that was a devastating blow and then obviously having people laughing at you for sexual DMs and stuff when, you know, it was... I was drunk as fuck at the time and it was just a stupid moment, but regardless, you know, k- knowing that there's just such little compassion out there for you when you're having a, a awful time, it really, it, it, it took me... I got from as high as I was, it took as, as low as possible in that moment of like no one cares, everything you've worked hard for you now don't have. I, I'd literally agreed a tenancy agreement on my flat-

    14. SB

      Mm-hmm.

    15. TD

      ... for two years on the basis that this was all gonna be signed. So I'm like, "How the f- what, w- what the fuck do I do now?" You know what I mean? So... And then I was hit with a tax bill that was way more than I could handle as well because in my head it's like, "Got the cash coming and got the tax bill paid off, man."

    16. SB

      (laughs)

    17. TD

      "Don't worry about it." So everything that could go wrong, went wrong and, um, you know, I knew I needed humbled, but it was brutal. That was... And, and I know it might sound to some people, like, out there, like, "Oh," uh, (clicks tongue) "Oh, poor pitiful, you know, white boy problems," and shit like that, but it, I literally wanted to kill myself, like, you know? I really, really did 'cause it, it, it was just too much even for me, like, and I'm a pretty tough person. It was just, it was awful. Like, the level of abuse and ridicule I got online and, and the financial mess I was in, it just felt like everything I'd been building to had been, like, really, like, fucked up and, uh, yeah. It was, uh, even just talking about it now is hard to, to say.

    18. SB

      Mm-hmm. I can tell.

    19. TD

      Do you know what I mean? 'Cause it was bad, it was awful. Um, so that left me in a really, really low place.

    20. SB

      The people online would have had no idea because I, I remember watching that play out from afar.

    21. TD

      Mm-hmm.

    22. SB

      And it was just online, it was just kind of jokes and-

    23. TD

      Well, what you have to remember is they didn't know I'd lost a multi-million pound deal that week.

    24. SB

      Yes.

    25. TD

      They didn't know I had a, a six-figure tax bill to pay.

    26. SB

      Yes.

    27. TD

      Uh, so that's happening behind the scenes and that happened before-

    28. SB

      Yeah.

    29. TD

      ... the, before the DMs. So then the DMs happened as well, the icing on the cake was the DMs.

    30. SB

      Right.

  5. 31:33 – 36:54

    You Mother

    1. TD

      I wasn't a, an alcoholic or anything. It was that feeling that I was chasing, the I don't feel pain.

    2. SB

      Numbness.

    3. TD

      Yeah. That was the good bit.

    4. SB

      You, when your mother passed away-

    5. TD

      Mm-hmm.

    6. SB

      ... you didn't talk about it.

    7. TD

      No. No. I mean, YouTube's a shitty place, isn't it? It's a horror. Like, as I found out the hard way, you know? So, um... And also, she's just precious to me, so I, uh, I keep it to myself always. Um, I keep her to myself always. I've only talked about her once online, and that was the rebuild.

    8. SB

      Mm-hmm.

    9. TD

      Yeah.

    10. SB

      And even in, even in that video, which I watched twice-

    11. TD

      Mm-hmm.

    12. SB

      ... um, I still had no idea when it ha- when it happened.

    13. TD

      Yeah. Yeah.

    14. SB

      Because I was trying to pinpoint-

    15. TD

      (laughs)

    16. SB

      ... if there was, like, a, a change in you-

    17. TD

      Yeah.

    18. SB

      ... or if you, or if it was during your YouTube career, at the height of your YouTube career, before. And b- and I thought it was just... You know, for a guy that does really pour it out on the internet, and I've seen you, you know, when the Logan Paul incident happened, I watched that video, and you were pouring out your heart in a-

    19. TD

      Mm-hmm.

    20. SB

      ... way that was just remarkably vulnerable.

    21. TD

      Mm-hmm.

    22. SB

      And that was just a secret.

    23. TD

      Yeah, but it, it's like, um... (clicks tongue) it's like what I said earlier, I can be (yawns) quite cerebral when I have to be, and I can make decisions when I have to be (yawns) ... pardon me, from me own, me own sake. And here's the thing, when you love someone more than anything else in this world, that matters more than anything. And where others would've capitalized on a sob story, she was far too precious for me to share with anyone. You know, it wasn't about... She was mine, she wasn't there for anyone else, she was just my mum. Do you know what I mean? And that's the way I, I plan to keep it. Do you know what I mean? Um, I've, I've explained what she meant to us in that video, and how much I love her, I always will, and I miss her every fucking day, bro. But, um, (clicks tongue) it's just one of those things where I think to meself certain things, I think, you draw the line online, you know? You have to... There has to be some stuff that's for you. And even if I say, "Yeah, my mum died and I loved her and she meant the world to us," and I, and I did try and give some ins and outs of what my relationship was like with her so that people could feel how much, feel the love. You know what I mean? Um, (clicks tongue) I didn't want to give everything, because (sighs) I don't know, it's just too special for me to, to, to give everything. Do you know what I mean? Like that. And I think that's one thing that some creators could do with learning as well, is like, (gasps) what is... How much value does something has if you'll just share it with everyone? And I do think you gotta pick and choose, you know what I mean, carefully. Because once you give it, there's no taking it back. And that'ss the problem, isn't it? You know what I mean?

    24. SB

      Mm-hmm.

    25. TD

      With YouTube, it's like once it's out there, it's out there. So...

    26. SB

      In that video you say when you're, you've, I think you've just been fighting with, um, is it vi- v- Vlad's dad?

    27. TD

      Oh, with Vidal's dad, yeah.

    28. SB

      Vidal, Vidal's dad.

    29. TD

      Yeah. Yeah.

    30. SB

      And you, y- I mean, you, it looks like you've gone, like, 12 rounds with him or something, and you fall over and your back, and you get emotional, 'cause... And, and he says, you know, "That's what boxing does, it brings all those emotions back."

  6. 36:54 – 42:25

    Your Dad

    1. TD

      around sort of, but like in and out (laughs) you know. He's like, he's a, he's an old school guy, me dad, you know, like, like, fucking shagged around, went to prison. Just a wild man. Um, but I'm, I'm, I'm okay with me dad now. Um, I've just reached a place of like (breathes deeply) understanding that my dad's got bipolar disorder. He's, uh, he's never gonna be "normal." Like he's just that guy. And, uh, you know, he recently had a, a suicide attempt, which I had to phone the ambulance for and that, and it's like what the fucking hell is this? Like you know what I mean? You're panicking, um, hoping he's gonna be all right. He then got sectioned again, um, which this was this year, you know, and, uh-

    2. SB

      You, you had to phone the ambulance?

    3. TD

      Yeah. Yeah. Um, he texts me basically a sort of, a message that let me know what was going down, you know. So instantly got on the ambulance, and then you're panicking 'cause the ambulance, they're like, "Oh, COVID, COVID." I'm like, "Will you fucking just get there?" Like are you shitting me? Two hours it took them to get there, you know? Two fucking hours, and like, it, it was like a full-blown suicide attempt. Like the pills were already gone. You know what I mean? So, um, yeah. Just like the... It, it's stressful, you know, um, when y- when you go through that. And it was... I did a podcast about it because, you know, you don't really know what to do. Like my m- last time my dad was sectioned, I was a fucking child. Like so I'm now his next of kin. I'm his, his parent now in this situation, so he's mentally unstable. They're coming to me asking me for the answers. I'm trying to run a company and, and do my YouTube videos. "Hey, everyone. Welcome back." (laughs) You, you, you know what I mean? It's fucking mental, and that's one of the weird things about, uh, being a YouTuber is like I know that people rely on me for their escape, but it's sometimes... That's why like you, you messaged me to do a podcast around that time.

    4. SB

      Mm-hmm.

    5. TD

      And I said, "Mate, I ain't doing a fucking podcast right now."

    6. SB

      I know, exactly. Yeah.

    7. TD

      I'm not in a... And I didn't... 'Cause I just said, "I'll just be fucking miserable." I'm in great style anyway. We're talking about sad stuff, but-

    8. SB

      No. (laughs) No, no, no.

    9. TD

      But yeah, I, I, I just knew I couldn't, I couldn't do it. You know what I mean? But, um, yeah, it's been a... Me and my dad are all right. Like he sometimes, he just, um... He sees things from a different angle because he's got bipolar. So it's be- it's challenging, you know what I mean, to get him to see where I'm coming from sometimes.

    10. SB

      It's so difficult when, uh, when eventually I think a kid has to kind of forgive their parents and start parenting their parents.

    11. TD

      (laughs)

    12. SB

      It's even kind of happened to me in a strange way because I think my mum-

    13. TD

      Mm.

    14. SB

      I think my mum has bipolar.

    15. TD

      Dude, your mum's such a character.

    16. SB

      (laughs)

    17. TD

      I've heard stories and I'm like, "No."

    18. SB

      Yeah. I remember being young and, and being told that... Well, I mean, the first one I wrote in my book is when she came to the school in her lingerie.

    19. TD

      Yeah.

    20. SB

      When I was like four or five years old.

    21. TD

      Yeah.

    22. SB

      Because she wanted to put on a show. And then, uh-

    23. TD

      Right.

    24. SB

      ... the other instance that sticks in my mind, there's one where she chased my dad through the house with a knife, and the third one I remember is being told that she had been locked up because, um, they'd come to repossess her, her restaurant and she was stood in the street with a, a knife and she was smashing up her own shop.

    25. TD

      Mm.

    26. SB

      And there was police in the street and everything.

    27. TD

      Mm-hmm.

    28. SB

      And I w- I didn't see that, but (clicks tongue) yeah.

    29. TD

      We'll have to set them up for a date

    30. NA

      (laughs)

  7. 42:25 – 43:51

    Your experiences with anxiety

    1. SB

      Anxiety is a really interesting topic. I've, uh, been involved in this mental health company for some time now-

    2. TD

      Mm-hmm.

    3. SB

      ... Atai, and I've just got really fascinated about the concept of anxiety.

    4. TD

      Oh, it's fucking horrible.

    5. SB

      Just I... And I've experienced it as well.

    6. TD

      Mm. I've, I've...Oh, yeah. Been there.

    7. SB

      Tell me about your experience with anxiety.

    8. TD

      Um-

    9. SB

      And when ... And was it later in your life that you first ...

    10. TD

      Uh, I think the first time I'd had anxiety was after my mum died. In the, in the immediate, I didn't know what was going on. I just remember being in the room and saying to my mates, "My chest is getting really tight. I'm s- ... I feel like I'm struggling to breathe." (gasps) And I was like, (gasps) uh ... And then, you know, the doctor has hired us some Valium and fucking, I think, uh, had that with some alcohol at the same time, and that, that was when the forcing myself to sleep sort of was h- was started. But, um, as I got older, um, (sighs) I realized, uh, through the YouTube thing, just like being known is, is a really weird thing, particularly obviously around that time with the fall of True Geordie, as I called it, on the video. (gasps) Uh, lots of anxiety and depression. Um, and it is just such a horrible feeling to go through, 'cause it feels very serious at the time.

    11. SB

      Yeah.

    12. TD

      But it, it, it is in your head, innit, really?

  8. 43:51 – 50:15

    Your depression

    1. SB

      You've been very open about your ... And I don't wanna, uh, continue on this topic, 'cause we got a lot of, a lot to talk about.

    2. TD

      Mm-hmm.

    3. SB

      And you've been very open about your dep- depression.

    4. TD

      Mm.

    5. SB

      And suicidal ideation.

    6. TD

      Mm-hmm.

    7. SB

      And one thing that I haven't quite managed to, uh, get over in your head is what you said earlier, where you said one of the things that act- actually made you hang in there was that people didn't want you to hang in there. And that's the fire in you.

    8. TD

      Yeah, yeah.

    9. SB

      Yeah.

    10. TD

      Yeah. Uh, uh, I like ... I sort of ... There, there was a, there was a tweet that was tweet- (laughs) tweeted at me. It's such a weird little confession, uh, where a guy went, um, "I've heard about your financial issues," or whatever he said in this tweet, "and it couldn't have happened to a better guy." And (laughs) I've got like a dark sense of humor, and I sort of smirked at it. And I went ... (laughs) And I thought, in my head I thought, "I know I am not beaten. Like, I just know it, and I, and I know I'm gonna be rich, and I know shit's gonna go, come back around." So I just screenshotted the tweet, and I remember thinking, "I'm gonna use that as like an air freshener on a Ferrari or something."

    11. SB

      (laughs)

    12. TD

      You know what I mean? Like, I have this like s- ... I don't know. You know what I mean?

    13. SB

      Yeah, yeah, yeah.

    14. TD

      Like I, I want to prove people wrong.

    15. SB

      Yeah.

    16. TD

      And, and, and I think that drive at the start was ... A lot of that was like, when I started YouTube, so many people were like, "The fuck is this idiot doing, like shouting on his camera and all that?" So then, all of a sudden there was that, that, that negativity came in droves, f- in thousands of tweets. Um, and yeah, it was sort of a weird like, oh. It's like starting the game again, but like on a different level. So I'm like, "Okay, now I'm fucked, but I've been fucked worse before." So like it's kind of like a, "All right. Let's, let's use this a bit." So, but to sort of ... Uh ... (sighs) Yeah. The depression, it's, it's like ... It's awful, and it's so negative. And you think about like ... I was thinking about suicide on a, on a daily basis at one point. I was, you know ... I'm sorry if this is bringing people down when they're listening to this, but-

    17. SB

      No, no.

    18. TD

      Um, you know, I was really seriously contemplating it in a, in a way of like, "Here's what I would do." And, and, and when the anxiety attacks were coming over me, it was just an awful way of living, and I honestly don't know how I got through what I got through. Like, uh, looking back at it, uh, it was fucking mental. Um-

    19. SB

      I've never been d- um, to that point.

    20. TD

      Mm-hmm.

    21. SB

      So when I hear people talking about it, it just ... It's like incomprehendible to me.

    22. TD

      Mm-hmm.

    23. SB

      That y- you could get to the point where you think the best route is to end your life.

    24. TD

      So, (sighs) yeah. I mean, looking, looking at it at the time, I thought I had what was like situational depression, where I'm in this horrible situation and that's why I'm depressed, which was partly true obviously. But I was also chemically, uh, depressed as well. Like, there was ... What I now realize is, through that, my mum dying, other trauma in my life, I definitely had chemical depression. Like I needed dep- ... I needed medication, you know? Um, but, um, I sort of, um, didn't believe in it, didn't wanna do it, didn't think it would work, uh, for me, you know? And also like, when you're a, a guy who's, um ... lives in his head and thinks, you know, "I'm a smart guy," yada, yada, yada, you sort of ... You're worried it's gonna change the way you think and make you a bit, "What if it makes me dumber?" (laughs) you know?

    25. SB

      (laughs)

    26. TD

      Some- something silly like that, or you hear about other people's bad experiences on it. (paper rustles) Like, it fucks your libido, all of this sort of weird shit. Puts weight on you. There's just all sorts of little fears. So, um, it had to get so bad, uh, before I would try medication. But like one day, it got bad enough where I was like ... I re- ... I realized, I thought, "I'm definitely gonna do it soon. Otherwise," um, "I'm, I'm gonna have to ..." Uh, I was like frightened, almost like as a ... kind of like as a friend of me, if that makes sense. Like em- I was frightened for me, 'cause I was like, "You're really gonna fucking do this, yeah, soon." Like, uh, the way I was thinking and the way my life was going and the way I was feeling about small things that really are like ... You know when people sort of push your buttons a little bit?

    27. SB

      Yeah.

    28. TD

      The way that was making me feel was awful. Like, I was shouting at my friends and my crew, and, uh, when someone was challenging me in any way, the, the fear and anxiety was bubbling underneath. It was just overwhelming. And I had like really bad nightmares, and I'd wake up in the morning, and I remember just waking up one morning just being like, "Oh, I really don't wanna live anymore." And that was when I was like on the phone to the doctor, and I was like, "Give us whatever the fuck you've got, 'cause I'm willing to try anything now." And, uh-... thank fuck (laughs) you know. Um, so they, uh, they prescribed us some antidepressants and I'm really fucking glad I tried them, mate, honestly.

    29. SB

      You called the doctor yourself?

    30. TD

      Mm-hmm.

  9. 50:15 – 54:19

    You never relax

    1. SB

      I never see you meditate, go on holiday, relax-

    2. TD

      (laughs)

    3. SB

      ... chill out, go to the jungle.

    4. TD

      Yeah.

    5. SB

      I was in the jungle and you, you messaged me and said, "Oh, I need a little bit of that."

    6. TD

      Yeah. I mean, you look like you were having a, a, a whale of a fucking time.

    7. SB

      (laughs)

    8. TD

      Um, yeah, but I am on like a treadmill, you know what I mean? Like-

    9. SB

      That's how it feels.

    10. TD

      ... and I'm not quite at that point of, um, financial, um, w- what I want from life financially. I haven't quite clinched that moment of-

    11. SB

      Will you ever-

    12. TD

      ... I'm set. Yeah. I, I will. I will.

    13. SB

      You think so?

    14. TD

      Yeah. Yeah.

    15. SB

      'Cause I don't think I have.

    16. TD

      Um-

    17. SB

      (laughs)

    18. TD

      Y- y- No, but-

    19. SB

      'Cause it leaves, doesn't it? You s-

    20. TD

      Ugh. Yeah, but we're at different points, you know what I mean? Sort of like, um, financially speaking, um, I'm nearly there. I think I'm, I'm getting there. Uh, I've got a really good organized team now.

    21. SB

      Mm-hmm.

    22. TD

      Money is, is sorting itself out. And it's like, if I just carry on the way I'm going, we'll be okay. And then I can have those moments where I go, "Now I'm gonna rest, I'm gonna enjoy myself." But, yeah, I don't, I don't meditate. I don't, uh, (breathes deeply) you know, have a rest.

    23. SB

      How do you relax?

    24. TD

      Um, glass of wine and, um... I say a glass. A bottle of wine.

    25. SB

      (laughs)

    26. TD

      Uh, but, you know, um-

    27. SB

      Were you ever taught how to relax?

    28. TD

      No, not really. I, I feel like I don't really rela- Like, the minute I put out something I'm really happy with, I get this feeling of, like, content. Like, I'm like, "Oh, that's class, that. That's a really good piece of work, that. I'm really happy with that." But then, like, 10 minutes will go by and that'll be when I'm like, "Okay, what, what we doing next then?" You know what I mean? And I think, like, you know, we have that in common, for sure. And I've no doubt that when, when I hit that point where I'm financially secure, (breathes deeply) I'll still carry on being a bastard.

    29. SB

      This is it. (laughs)

    30. TD

      But I will chill out more. I will, I will chill out more. And I'm already chilling out more since I started the antidepressants, actually. Like, in terms of the way I behave. Like, all of those... I'm so much more in control of myself now. My anger, my ups and downs, like, you know, they're, uh, everything's a lot more relaxed and, and I communicate in a way that's not as, um... Like, you know, there was times where people have pissed me off and I would just not even look at them because I would be so frustrated that when I'd tell them, I wouldn't, I wouldn't even be able to look at them 'cause I'd be like, "I wanna punch you right now, so I'm not gonna look."

  10. 54:19 – 59:59

    Attaching your happiness to a future goals

    1. TD

      little bit.

    2. SB

      I just, I've just come to, I mean, from my own experiences, I'm sure you've heard this, uh, heard me say this before, just that when I, when I was insecure, broke, and striving to be rich and successful, upon actually getting there, I realized that that was totally unfulfilling because it just moves off into the future. And so when I, what I think I've come to learn maybe is happiness is in fact finding peace today irrespective of uncompleted goals.

    3. TD

      That's definitely in my head as well.

    4. SB

      Yes.

    5. TD

      Peace. That word, peace.

    6. SB

      Today.

    7. TD

      Yeah. Like-... in, even in the last month actually, I remember thinking, "I only wanna be around people who are, who make me feel peaceful." If you bring drama, if you bring aggro, stress, you can fuck off-

    8. SB

      Hmm.

    9. TD

      ... because I'm trying to turn over a new leaf now.

    10. SB

      Hmm.

    11. TD

      And not deal, like, and I think a lot of people just did not realize, like, while they were heaping stuff onto my plate, because I'm the mountain of a man who can handle anything apparently, that I was at fucking breaking point-

    12. SB

      Hmm.

    13. TD

      ... and I just wasn't saying it, you know? Whereas now, I'm saying it. I'm like, "No, I'm not doing that." Like, you know, the other day, one of the lads in the team said it was, um, oh, c- um, it was about research or something, like, you know, for graphic design and stuff. And, and m- mate went, it was, um, "Oh, uh, it would help if you, if you had a look." And I said, "Would Joe Rogan's team tell him to do that, would they?"

    14. SB

      (laughs)

    15. TD

      Yeah. Or, "Do your own research, Joe,"-

    16. SB

      (laughs)

    17. TD

      ... you know? And, and now I'm just very much like, here's the standards, this is what we do. And, you know.

    18. SB

      And are you still at, do you think, and this is what, really what I'm getting at here is, do you think you're still attaching some happiness to the future attainment of some goal, or, or-

    19. TD

      (laughs) Yes.

    20. SB

      And this is like, this is scary. This scares me.

    21. TD

      No, but, but, it's, it's, it's, it's healthy in a way because it's like, I'm not under the illusion that the minute I hit the big number that all of a sudden I'm gonna, um, that will make me happy. But the freedom that that number will then give me is what I'm looking for.

    22. SB

      Freedom from what?

    23. TD

      Freedom to, freedom of choice, freedom to do whatever I want with my life. No, right now, I'm a slave to the game. The game for me right now is, I've got the, all these shows, all these brands that I'm trying to build. I'm doing the fighting, I've got the Kick-Off, the football brand, I've got the podcast, and other things I'm working on as well, like my poker, and, and stuff, and Twitch. I am on a treadmill where every single week, I have to do, I, I'm contracted to do this show, this show, this show. I, I'm the most consistent YouTuber in the UK, and it's just nobody really realizes it because it's kind of always been that way. I've always been that, the guy, like even though I slowed the podcast down, in terms of, like, the amount of videos I've been putting out, it's been insane from, for years now. Um, so I, I, I have to do them because I'm not at a point of financial freedom. And even when I am, I might still carry on, but it would be nice to have the option to go, "Yeah, I'm gonna do this, and, and yeah, I'm gonna interview that guy. Hey, if I wanna interview a guy in America, I can stop the Kick-Off 'cause I just don't wanna do it this week, or I'll let my other boys do it, and I'm gonna go to LA and interview Joe Rogan," you know?

    24. SB

      Hmm.

    25. TD

      I'd love to have the ab- but I can't do that. I'm-

    26. SB

      Hmm.

    27. TD

      ... chained to my content. And I love my content, fortunately, and I love the people I'm around.

    28. SB

      Hmm.

    29. TD

      But if I, if I, if, if I didn't, it would be really hard.

    30. SB

      Got you. I've been, I've been thinking a ton about this. It's actually, again, the last chapter in, in, um, in the book I was writing, and I, I think my conclusion-

  11. 59:59 – 1:04:10

    Whats the big ambition?

    1. TD

      the end, is look back and go, "Fuck me, I showed those cunts, didn't I?" Like, and, uh, and have a good laugh and spend time with my friends, make great videos. That's what I wanna do.

    2. SB

      What, what, what are your ambitions now, then? I don't think you've, you know, you've signed this deal with, um, obviously Gymshark, which is great. And you've, you've done a deal with Beats, which is great. You're, you're over on Twitch now.

    3. TD

      PokerStars as well.

    4. SB

      PokerStars, yeah, yeah.

    5. TD

      Shout out to PokerStars 'cause I love PokerStars.

    6. SB

      What is the big, when you talk about that big, you know, vision that you have in your mind of where you will be in, in five, ten years from now, what, what is that?

    7. TD

      Um, I feel like I've, um, I'm in a bit of a unique situation in that I wanna kind of be the king of multiple different things, and, uh, it's gonna be interesting to see how that, that goes. Uh, I think I'm the best podcaster currently, um, about, uh, aside from Joe Rogan. No offense to your good self, sir.

    8. SB

      No, it's fine. It's where we're just starting out. (laughs)

    9. TD

      Um, I think you're very good. Uh, and, uh, I, you know, I, I wanna kill the podcast game-But that's been something that I've had to, uh, in the, in, in the past, there, when that shit happened, I, I kinda had to put that back and go, "W- where's the money gonna come from?" And sports is a lot easier to make money out of. So, I, I, I went full steam ahead with The Kickoff. I think I've got something really special with The Kickoff. That, to me, is the f- the future of ... football, uh, in terms of how people will consume it in the UK. That, that show, the, the brand The Kickoff, the, the, the personalities I've got there. I'm working on rebranding it right now. You know, s- s- Gillette Soccer Saturday is dying a death. I seen it coming a mile off. Soc-, uh, Soccer AM is so fucked. Like, they've all piled ... Like, there's ... What the happened in that space right now, there's so many YouTube channels, they're faking their views. They, you, I know them all. They, they've got all the big brands. Budweiser, you're getting robbed. I'm just saying- (laughs) ... that right now. You wanna check the fu- (laughs) And why have, why have certain YouTube channels switched the likes off, switched the views off, switched the comments off? 'Cause they're fucking buying views and stuff like that. What we've got is so authentic and real. My studio, wh- I've spent hundreds of thousands of pounds on the equipment in there. We've, we, we've got something special there. So, uh, this is about watering it, and, and letting it grow. And if I build a team right, I think we could like ... No one can fuck with us. Like, everyone's copying us. Everyone's copying The Kickoff. No one can copy The Kickoff. They're all wasting their time. All they do is make us look better. Mm-hmm. They, their shit attempts at The Kickoff make us look 10 times stronger. So, with that one, I think we've got something really special there. And I'm surprised a, a huge brand has not seen that yet. Like, an Amazon, or a, or a Google, or whoever the fuck. You know, 'cause, all right, we swear on there, but we are killing it, you know. And, and credit to Twitch, they did see it, and, you know, I'm proud of that. But the potential for that brand, I just think is enormous. I just, like I say, I've been through so many financial struggles while keeping that going. I haven't really been in a d- uh, had a chance to put it in third gear yet. But, um, we're getting there. Um, and then there's the fighting. I feel like with thanks to Logan Paul and KSI, they've put me in a really particular position where I really know fighting, but I also know the entertainment side of fighting. And as b- as boxing moves towards that direction, and M- and MMA as well, and my history of loving boxing and UFC, I can really nail down a special place in that, where, you know, livestream wise, we're, we're number one on fighting and football. How weird is it that there's one guy in the world who does a livestream on football, and he's got the number one audience and fighting? Mm-hmm. You know, that alone puts me in a really unique position without having to talk about the podcast where it's Ricky Gervais one week, it could be Kamaru Usman, UFC champion the next, Tyson Fury,

  12. 1:04:10 – 1:17:16

    Do you get the credit you deserve?

    1. TD

      Logan Paul. Do you think you've got the credit you deserve? I, I definitely don't. No. Why? Um ... I don't know. I don't know. Um ... I think, you know, I just did an interview, for example, with Kamaru Usman. And the older I get, and the wiser I get, and the better at questioning I get, and the, and the, and the better I get as an interviewer, and leading the, the guest and, and taking them on that journey, my emotional, compassionate side is really another gear that I have that other interviewers are just ... You know, I've always aspired to be like Joe Rogan. But Joe Rogan has things I don't, and I have things he doesn't. He knows every- everything about everything. This guy can talk to anyone. I, I just don't have that. But my emotional, compassionate side, my empathy, I think gives me something else. And on that, on that interview, I got so many comments because it was one of the first interviews I've done which was the same guest Joe Rogan had. And- I saw the comments. People were saying- And loads of people were going- ... "You did a lot better." ... "You fucking outdid Joe Rogan with that one." Yeah. And I knew I did. And I don't mean that as a disrespect, 'cause he's like a god to me. But on that one, it really showed because I just did a totally different interview. And, um, and I, um ... Joe was always gonna be the GOAT to me, but sometimes even the GOAT can be got, and I can get him every, every now and then. (laughs) And I, and, um, he, uh, he's who I aspire to, to, to beat on every podcast, you know. So, maybe, I'm, I don't know. I don't know what the fuck it's gonna take. Um, I don't know if it's 'cause I'm w- I feel like it's 'cause I'm working class and I don't necessarily ... Like, some people just get credit thrown at them. F- like, MrBeast, "Wow, you spent loads of money on a video." Uh, what's the other fucker who's always surprising his friends with cars? I don't give a shit. Like, with all due respect, y- you don't impress me. None of your, like, you know, your creativity is bang average. You know, like, I could turn up with fucking money and buy a car for a friend. You know what I mean? So, I'm trying to tell stories. Like, with the fall of True Geordie, with the rebuild, with the podcasts, tho- that content is like, I poured my heart and soul into it. I edited it with my, uh, editor, Gio. Shout out to him. Amazing, uh, editor. We sat together and did frame by frame. I do the grade, I fucking th- everything. Like, every minute detail, I care about. Why does my podcast look different to everyone else? 'Cause I care, and I will literally go and go, "Right, we're gonna do the grade, we're gonna do the, the sound. That doesn't sound right." And I, I ... Every fucking detail, I care about. So, it frustrates me that I'm not where I think I should be because the numbers are there, the deals are there, but the critical acclaim, for whatever reason, isn't there. And I guess it's 'cause I swear and I'm not like mainstream-worthy. Like, I'm never, I'm never gonna be the kid who Jonathan Ross invites on, or, you know, I'm not that. And I don't want to. I don't give a fuck about being well-known on telly. I don't wanna go on it particularly. Um, and it's not because there's anything wrong with it. It's just ...... I'm happy where I am, you know. But, um, I don't know what it's gonna take, bro.

    2. SB

      Do you think-

    3. TD

      I feel like I've got to move a fucking mountain.

    4. SB

      No, I know. I was, I was, I was just thinking about it then, 'cause I agree with everything you said in terms of the influence you have. And I, and you, I also agree that you are the best podcaster in this country. And really, you're the p- one of the real pioneers of a certain style of podcasting, but also on the Kickoff, right? You're a real pioneer there. But from what I've learned about company valuations and even how brands do deals, it's the way that it is packaged.

    5. TD

      Yeah. And look, I'm not greasing the wheels-

    6. SB

      Yeah.

    7. TD

      ... of these companies, and that's definitely a thing I need to do better. Because you talk about certain YouTube channels-

    8. SB

      Branding.

    9. TD

      Yeah. Certain YouTube channels will take people out for dinner, they'll schmooze, they'll do all of that shit, and I'm clearly not doing that, bec- But l- like, credit to the companies who have invested in me, 'cause I've just went, "Look, I'm the best." And that, and, and, and, um, d- You know, I learned how to do decks myself. I was, I've done decks, I do all my own decks.

    10. SB

      You shouldn't be.

    11. TD

      Uh, I, I sell, uh, uh, well, I've just hired a guy, so-

    12. SB

      (laughs)

    13. TD

      ... he's gonna do them from now on.

    14. SB

      Okay.

    15. TD

      But the point is, is like, I got, I've done all right, you know?

    16. SB

      Yeah, you've done really well.

    17. TD

      I've d- I've done well.

    18. SB

      But, I don't, I'm gonna say it, you're not getting the credit you deserve.

    19. TD

      Yeah. Um, and, and it's, uh, you know, I-

    20. SB

      And you're not getting the money you deserve either.

    21. TD

      Uh, it's fucking frustrating, bro. Try, like, you know what I'm saying?

    22. SB

      I don't know what money you're getting, but I know it's not what you deserve.

    23. TD

      No, yeah, yo. Trust me, bro. It ain't what I, no, um, credit to the partners we've got-

    24. SB

      Yeah.

    25. TD

      ... 'cause they've looked after us. Um, particularly, um, Gymshark and PokerStars and Twitch, um, I, I'm grateful for, for those people to be, uh, partnered with us. But yeah, I, I, I definitely feel like where, where I am is not reflected. Um, but yeah, I need to do the, the, the schmoozing bullshit a lot better. And, and the deck side of things, we've built that out, and we're packaging it. And branding-wise-

    26. SB

      Salesman.

    27. TD

      ... I need to be a bit more... There's a lot of rich old white dudes who sign the fucking checks, who I need to be more friendly towards, I, I, and I get that.

    28. SB

      I don't even think you do. I think you need a bunch of rich old white dudes to be friendly with rich old white dudes.

    29. TD

      Yeah. (laughs)

    30. SB

      And I think you should probably call your company, like, Tru, Tru Entertainment.

Episode duration: 1:42:24

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