Good Inside with Dr. BeckyHow Can I Get My Kid to Stop Doing an Annoying Behavior?
CHAPTERS
- 0:01 – 1:02
Good Inside Membership: expert-guided parenting support
Dr. Becky opens with a brief overview of the Good Inside Membership and how it’s designed to replace scattered internet advice with a structured library and guided community. She frames it as practical, on-demand parenting help plus live coaching and connection.
- •Membership offers bite-sized videos, articles, scripts, and workshops
- •Private community with Dr. Becky and trained coaches
- •Live events and parent Q&A support
- •Positioned as a modern “parenting handbook”
- 1:02 – 3:03
Episode frame: why “annoying behaviors” persist and how our reactions fuel them
Dr. Becky explains that while the episode focuses on spitting, the approach applies to many irritating behaviors (screaming, potty talk, etc.). The key is noticing how the behavior triggers parents and how common reactions can unintentionally reinforce the cycle.
- •Spitting is a stand-in for many unwanted behaviors
- •These behaviors often “hook” parents emotionally
- •Escalated parent reactions can perpetuate the behavior
- •Goal: interrupt the cycle with grounded strategies
- 3:03 – 4:29
Caller Barb: “My 4-year-old spits everywhere—how do we make it stop if it’s fun?”
Barb describes her nearly four-year-old spitting on surfaces and family members despite repeated corrections and curiosity about causes. She suspects it’s simply enjoyable and asks what to do when a child does something mainly because it’s fun.
- •Behavior is frequent and occurs across contexts
- •Parent has tried telling him to stop and exploring ‘why’
- •Attention-seeking hypothesis doesn’t fully explain it
- •Question: how to stop a behavior that’s intrinsically fun
- 4:29 – 6:01
Why spitting feels “fun”: rebellion, power, and building a separate identity
Dr. Becky reframes the ‘fun’ as often coming from seeing a parent get upset—an independence boost rather than cruelty. She explains that kids use these moments to feel distinct and powerful, and that understanding the identity function is key to reducing it.
- •Fun often comes from the parent’s big reaction
- •Not a sign the child is bad or cold-hearted
- •Rebellious acts can help kids feel separate and independent
- •Remove the power dynamic to make spitting less compelling
- 6:01 – 8:32
Counterintuitive tactic: join the behavior and contain it with a “spitting room”
Dr. Becky recommends joining the spitting—moving it into a designated place (like the bathroom) and making it a shared, silly, regulated activity. By turning conflict into connection, the behavior loses its rebellious payoff and becomes less attractive over time.
- •Invite the child to the “spitting room” (bathroom)
- •Model spitting into the toilet/sink as acceptable outlet
- •Keep your demeanor calm and playful to remove tension
- •End neutrally and transition back to normal routines
- 8:32 – 9:33
Reinforce individuality in healthy ways (so spitting isn’t the main identity tool)
Beyond managing spitting episodes, Dr. Becky encourages parents to highlight other moments of separateness (preferences, choices). This communicates: ‘I see you as your own person’ without needing oppositional behavior to prove it.
- •Name and praise everyday choices as evidence of individuality
- •Send ‘separate identity’ messages outside conflict moments
- •Reduce the child’s need to use spitting for self-definition
- •Build connection around autonomy rather than rebellion
- 9:33 – 10:41
Generalizing the approach: potty language and screaming as “join + boundary” opportunities
Dr. Becky broadens the strategy to other annoying behaviors by pairing permission-with-limits (a place/time) and playful co-regulation. The theme is making the behavior less about pushing parents’ buttons and more about regulated expression.
- •Use a designated space/time for potty talk to get it “out”
- •For screaming: take it outside and “scream it out” together
- •Joining reduces the payoff of annoying the parent
- •Helps kids find other ways to express separateness
- 10:41 – 11:50
Caller Rachel: spitting when angry—how to hold boundaries and keep everyone safe
Rachel shares that her older two children spit at parents (and once at a sitter) when upset. She wants guidance on managing an unsafe, degrading behavior while still validating emotions and teaching appropriate expression.
- •Spitting occurs during anger/upset in the home
- •Parents have tried exploring the ‘why’ and talking it through
- •Concern is safety, dignity, and boundary violations
- •Needs in-the-moment and preventive strategies
- 11:50 – 13:21
In-the-moment response: firm boundary plus redirection to a safe target
Dr. Becky recommends clear “I won’t let you” language to stop spitting on people, paired with an immediate alternative (spit into sink/tub/shower). The goal is to block the boundary violation while still offering a way to discharge the urge.
- •Spitting on someone = non-consensual boundary violation
- •Script: “I won’t let you spit on me”
- •Redirect: spitting into sink/bath/shower is allowed
- •Physically guide the child to the acceptable outlet if needed
- 13:21 – 15:22
Outside-the-moment: use personal stories to reduce shame and increase influence
When calm, Dr. Becky suggests sharing a childhood story about struggling with anger/impulses to help kids feel less alone. This connection increases receptivity to coaching because the child feels seen as ‘good’ and capable of growth.
- •Connection precedes behavior change and skill-building
- •Parents sharing similar struggles builds trust and safety
- •De-shames the child’s experience of intense feelings
- •Sets up collaborative learning rather than punishment
- 15:22 – 19:25
Decode the function: spitting as “make my feelings visible,” then co-brainstorm alternatives
Dr. Becky explains spitting can externalize anger—putting the feeling onto someone else to prove it’s real. She recommends a family value statement (we believe feelings without needing proof) and a curiosity-driven brainstorming session to find other ways to communicate anger.
- •Spitting can mean: “Do you see/feel how upset I am?”
- •Family message: feelings are real even if invisible
- •Use a wondering tone to invite the child’s ideas
- •Co-create options (stomping, words, ‘I’m mad,’ etc.)
- 19:25 – 20:36
Caller Jessica: a toddler spits during transitions and screen-time limits—talking isn’t working
Jessica describes a 2.5-year-old who spits when blocked, approached, or transitioned—especially around iPad removal. She’s tried explanations and alternatives, with little progress, and wants practical tools beyond verbal reminders.
- •Spitting triggered by transitions, limits, and anticipation of loss
- •Parent has used rules and encouraged words instead
- •Spitting persists even as other aggression improves
- •Need: strategies appropriate for a young child’s regulation level
- 20:36 – 26:40
Build regulation through practice and play: role-play the trigger before it happens
Dr. Becky emphasizes that regulation isn’t built through logic alone; kids need repeated experiences practicing different responses. She offers structured rehearsal (using props like construction paper as an “iPad”) and pretend play scenarios to build new pathways before real-life moments.
- •Shift from talking about problems to practicing skills
- •Rehearse the exact trigger (ending screen time) with props
- •Use modeling, repetition, and playfulness to reduce threat
- •Embed skills in pretend play (dinosaurs, scripts, coping options)
- 26:40 – 30:01
Three takeaways: identity, collaborative problem-solving, and practice over lectures
Dr. Becky closes by summarizing the core framework: annoying behaviors often serve individuality, so joining-with-boundaries helps. She reiterates partnering with kids to brainstorm and using role-play/practice to build real regulation circuitry.
- •Annoying behaviors often function as identity assertion
- •Join the behavior (with limits) to remove rebellious payoff
- •Brainstorm with your child, not just for them
- •Practice and pretend play create new regulation pathways
