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Good Inside with Dr. BeckyHow Can I Get My Kid to Stop Doing an Annoying Behavior?
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At a glance
WHAT IT’S REALLY ABOUT
Reframing kids’ annoying behaviors: join, boundary, and practice regulation skills
- Dr. Becky reframes spitting and similar annoying behaviors as often serving an “identity” function: kids feel independent when they provoke a strong parental reaction.
- Instead of escalating the power struggle, she recommends “joining” the behavior in a bounded, designated place (e.g., a bathroom “spitting room”) to remove its rebellious payoff and reduce its allure.
- For spitting aimed at people, she emphasizes a firm boundary (“I won’t let you spit on me”) paired with a safe redirection to an appropriate target (sink/shower) and other anger outlets.
- Outside the moment, she encourages connection and skill-building via parent storytelling (normalizing the struggle), collaborative brainstorming, and curiosity-driven problem solving with the child.
- She argues that talking alone rarely changes behavior; role-play, rehearsal, and pretend play create new regulation pathways that help kids access alternatives during real triggers (e.g., transitions off screens).
IDEAS WORTH REMEMBERING
5 ideasAnnoying behaviors often persist because they “work” socially.
Spitting can feel fun largely because it reliably creates a big parent reaction, which helps a child feel powerful, separate, and in control; reducing that payoff reduces the behavior’s pull.
Joining the behavior—within a clear container—can defuse rebellion.
Designating a “spitting room” and playfully doing it together (into a toilet/sink) turns tension into connection and makes the behavior less identity-forming and less enticing over time.
Separate the act from the harm: allow the urge, block the violation.
Dr. Becky distinguishes spitting from spitting on someone; use a firm boundary (“I won’t let you spit on me”) while immediately offering an acceptable place to spit when angry.
Build a child’s individuality in non-annoying ways on purpose.
Actively notice and narrate healthy separateness (“You know who you are—you want yogurt while I want a sandwich”) so the child doesn’t need spitting to prove independence.
Connection outside the incident increases cooperation during incidents.
Sharing a personal childhood story about big feelings (even an urge to spit) reduces shame, helps the child feel less alone, and makes them more open to guidance.
WORDS WORTH SAVING
5 quotesTo me, the most fun thing about spitting for a child is a child watching his parents get very upset.
— Dr. Becky
In fact, watching a parent get very upset and trying to stop you from doing something you are currently doing is actually something that makes a child feel very independent, right?
— Dr. Becky
We have to take away the part of this action that's about this dynamic between the two of you, and the quickest way we can do that is actually turning the trying to shut down the behavior into you joining the behavior.
— Dr. Becky
Spitting is a boundary violation. Spitting at your parents, spitting at another child is taking a part of your body and putting it on someone else's body without their permission.
— Dr. Becky
We can't build regulation only through logic and language. We have to build regulation skills by creating situations that are a preview to the feelings that might come up, that mimic a similar situation, getting into that part of the circuit before our kid does some undesirable behavior and then changing the direction.
— Dr. Becky
SPEAKERS
Dr. Becky
hostClinical psychologist and parenting expert; host of Good Inside.
Three parents (unnamed)
guestParent caller seeking advice about a child’s annoying spitting behavior.
High quality AI-generated summary created from speaker-labeled transcript.
