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How Can I Get My Kid to Stop Doing an Annoying Behavior?

If your kid recently started to spit—or do something else that you just want them to stop doing—it’s easy to get into a power struggle. Annoying behaviors often become a way for kids to assert their individuality and express big feelings. In this episode, Dr. Becky talks to three parents dealing with spitting and what feels like defiance. She offers actionable strategies for responding to these undesirable behaviors in ways that are effective because they speak to the motivation under the behavior. You don’t want to miss this one; the strategies Dr Becky models are easily generalizable beyond spitting—from potty language to screaming to any “Just stop it!” behaviors. Join Good Inside Membership: http://www.goodinside.com Follow Dr. Becky on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drbeckyatgoodinside Sign up for our weekly email, Good Insider: https://www.goodinside.com/newsletter Want More? Check these out: Parenting Is Exhausting - https://youtu.be/uH8-xQs7uH0 Deep Dive: How Do We Survive Pandemic Parenting With Two Toddlers and Two High-Stress Jobs? - https://youtu.be/eK1Vu6xWEH8 Why Won't My Kids Listen To Anything I Say? - https://youtu.be/Rb7FSL1y3Oo Deeply Feeling Kids Need a Different Approach - https://youtu.be/WQNM5EyDtKE Motherhood Doesn’t Have to Be Martyrdom - https://youtu.be/ywJMtRHzqFY

Dr. BeckyhostThree parents (unnamed)guest
May 6, 202230mWatch on YouTube ↗

At a glance

WHAT IT’S REALLY ABOUT

Reframing kids’ annoying behaviors: join, boundary, and practice regulation skills

  1. Dr. Becky reframes spitting and similar annoying behaviors as often serving an “identity” function: kids feel independent when they provoke a strong parental reaction.
  2. Instead of escalating the power struggle, she recommends “joining” the behavior in a bounded, designated place (e.g., a bathroom “spitting room”) to remove its rebellious payoff and reduce its allure.
  3. For spitting aimed at people, she emphasizes a firm boundary (“I won’t let you spit on me”) paired with a safe redirection to an appropriate target (sink/shower) and other anger outlets.
  4. Outside the moment, she encourages connection and skill-building via parent storytelling (normalizing the struggle), collaborative brainstorming, and curiosity-driven problem solving with the child.
  5. She argues that talking alone rarely changes behavior; role-play, rehearsal, and pretend play create new regulation pathways that help kids access alternatives during real triggers (e.g., transitions off screens).

IDEAS WORTH REMEMBERING

5 ideas

Annoying behaviors often persist because they “work” socially.

Spitting can feel fun largely because it reliably creates a big parent reaction, which helps a child feel powerful, separate, and in control; reducing that payoff reduces the behavior’s pull.

Joining the behavior—within a clear container—can defuse rebellion.

Designating a “spitting room” and playfully doing it together (into a toilet/sink) turns tension into connection and makes the behavior less identity-forming and less enticing over time.

Separate the act from the harm: allow the urge, block the violation.

Dr. Becky distinguishes spitting from spitting on someone; use a firm boundary (“I won’t let you spit on me”) while immediately offering an acceptable place to spit when angry.

Build a child’s individuality in non-annoying ways on purpose.

Actively notice and narrate healthy separateness (“You know who you are—you want yogurt while I want a sandwich”) so the child doesn’t need spitting to prove independence.

Connection outside the incident increases cooperation during incidents.

Sharing a personal childhood story about big feelings (even an urge to spit) reduces shame, helps the child feel less alone, and makes them more open to guidance.

WORDS WORTH SAVING

5 quotes

To me, the most fun thing about spitting for a child is a child watching his parents get very upset.

— Dr. Becky

In fact, watching a parent get very upset and trying to stop you from doing something you are currently doing is actually something that makes a child feel very independent, right?

— Dr. Becky

We have to take away the part of this action that's about this dynamic between the two of you, and the quickest way we can do that is actually turning the trying to shut down the behavior into you joining the behavior.

— Dr. Becky

Spitting is a boundary violation. Spitting at your parents, spitting at another child is taking a part of your body and putting it on someone else's body without their permission.

— Dr. Becky

We can't build regulation only through logic and language. We have to build regulation skills by creating situations that are a preview to the feelings that might come up, that mimic a similar situation, getting into that part of the circuit before our kid does some undesirable behavior and then changing the direction.

— Dr. Becky

Spitting as a bid for autonomy/individuationParental triggers and escalation cycles“Join the behavior” strategy with limitsBoundary-setting language: “I won’t let you…”Redirecting urges to acceptable outletsParent storytelling to reduce shame and increase influenceRole-play and pretend play for regulation practice

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