It's Okay Not To Share

1. 0:00 – 0:00

   Intro

   1. BEDr. Becky0:00

      [typing]

2. 0:00 – 1:31

   Good Inside Membership: expert-guided parenting resources and community

   1. BEDr. Becky0:00

      Why is it so hard to find reliable answers to parenting questions? How is it in 2022 parents still search on Google for answers from strangers? [typing] Well, now there's a better way. Introducing the Good Inside Membership, an expert-guided, community-powered platform redefining modern parenting. In our library, you'll find hundreds of bite-sized videos, articles, scripts, and workshops tackling the trickiest parenting topics, and it doesn't stop here. We've created a private community guided by me, Dr. Becky, and coaches trained in the Good Inside parenting method. Here, you can ask questions, connect with other parents, or attend a live event on a topic that matters to you. This is the parenting handbook that doesn't exist. This is parenting advice at your fingertips, where you need it, when you need it the most. This is Good Inside Membership. [instrumental music plays] Hi, I'm Dr. Becky, and this is Good Inside. I'm a clinical psychologist and mom of three on a mission to rethink the way we raise our children. I love translating deep thoughts about parenting into practical, actionable strategies that you can use in your home right away. One of my core beliefs is that we are all doing the best we can with the resources we have available

3. 1:31 – 2:46

   Episode setup: the confusion (and pressure) around kids sharing

   1. BEDr. Becky1:31

      to us in that moment. So even as we struggle, and even as we are having a hard time on the outside, we remain good inside. I received so many voicemails about the topic of sharing. Do we have to make our kid share? Is it okay for my kid not to share? What do I do if my kid has a certain item that they don't let anyone else use? There's so much confusion about this topic. Well, this is the episode for you. There's no one right way to approach sharing or not sharing, but what we'll do here is really unpack what's happening when our kids struggle to share their possessions with others, and we'll also go over a bunch of strategies that you can use in your home to manage these tricky moments. With all that in mind, let's jump in. [phone rings] Our first caller is Mary. [phone rings]

4. 2:46 – 3:58

   Caller Mary: playdate conflict and the fear of social consequences

   1. F(Family caller 1 (unnamed)2:46

      Hi, Dr. Becky. My name is Mary. I'm calling from Seattle, and I'm calling because my five-year-old son this past weekend had a friend come over, and it didn't go so well. Halfway through the play date, I kind of heard some kind of yelling in the next room, so when I went in to see what was going on, apparently my kid had taken one of his toys away from his friend and was just really having a hard time sharing. I probably didn't respond properly. I kind of said, "Hey, you know, if you don't [chuckles] share, your friend isn't gonna wanna come play with you anymore," which then led him to a total meltdown. How should I handle [chuckles] this type of situation when it comes up again? I certainly wanna trust my kid to, to handle these situations himself, but also I don't want other parents hearing that my kid doesn't share. Anyway, uh, thank you so much for all that you do, and, uh, any help you can provide would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

   2. BEDr. Becky3:57

      [phone hangs up]

5. 3:58 – 4:59

   Dr. Becky’s core reframe: it’s okay not to share (and watch the extremes)

   1. BEDr. Becky3:58

      Hi, Mary. Thank you so much for calling in because this is actually such a great question to start off this episode with. I have so many thoughts about this topic, but here I want to kind of share three main ones. One, it's okay not to share. There, I said it. It's okay not to share. Not sharing in childhood sets kids up to be able to prioritize their own needs, to have things in life that they want for themselves, and this is so healthy. Okay, there's also this. It's okay to share. It's nice to connect with others through play and to trust that the important things in your life can be shared with others and you can get them back. I would pay more attention to extremes. Does your child never share? Does your child seem to

6. 4:59 – 6:01

   When sharing is hard: insecurity, transitions, and control through possessions

   1. BEDr. Becky4:59

      hoard their toys, where it seems like another kid on a play date isn't allowed to even touch anything in the playroom? Or does your child always share? They seem so much more attentive to the wants of others, to making other kids happy than to the wants of themselves. Two, when kids really struggle to share things, it's often a sign they feel insecure about larger things in their life. And so if this is the case in your family, I'd think about these questions. Any major family changes happen recently? Things like moves, childcare shifts, new schools, new babies. These transitions can really impact a child's sense of security in their environment, and so clinging to possessions becomes a way to gain control. Three, we often don't trust kids enough. When

7. 6:01 – 7:02

   Why forcing sharing backfires: trust, negotiation, and language that helps

   1. BEDr. Becky6:01

      we force kids to share, things like, "Your time's up, give those blocks to Hari now," they naturally become more possessive. This makes sense. Think about what that would do to you if people randomly took things out of your hands and gave them to someone else. We would only become more clingy. We might even sneak things to feel like we could actually hold something for ourselves. By contrast, words like, "You're allowed to keep using that. Let your friend know when you're done," or, "Hmm, two kids, one firefighter costume. Oh, that's tricky. I bet the two of you can figure this out." These types of words show your trust, and when you show a child you trust them, this sets the stage for them to negotiate and come up with solutions. [on-hold music] [phone ringing] Let's hear from our next caller, Jim.

   2. F(Family caller 2 (unnamed)7:00

      [phone ringing]

8. 7:02 – 8:01

   Caller Jim: territorial two-year-old at the playground slide

   1. F(Family caller 2 (unnamed)7:02

      Hey, Dr. Becky. Uh, [clears throat] this is Jim from New Jersey. Um, so we got a-- We, me and my wife have a two-year-old, um, and we're expecting another this summer. Uh, but I'm calling 'cause, um, so our son is, like, getting really territorial on the playground or, you know, whenever he goes over to a friend's. Um, so we're trying to deal with that. The s- it's actually the slide on the playground where the, the majority of the conflict is taking place. He'll, he'll even go so far as to block another kid from using the slide. Um, you know, and the typical response that we've been, you know, using is, you know, "Hey, it's tough to share, but the slide is for everyone, and, you know, there's... you gotta let the other kids use it 'cause they're allowed to use it." Um, but that, it doesn't seem to be working. Um, so I know he's only two. He doesn't really understand the concept of sharing, but are there any, are there any tips before this other baby comes, um, to, to help our son learn how to share? Thank you so much.

9. 8:01 – 10:04

   Normalize the struggle and stop “life fast-forwarding”

   1. BEDr. Becky8:01

      Hi, Jim. Thank you so much for calling in and for raising a topic that all of us face. We're with our child, there are some other kids around, and all of a sudden we see a struggle over a single block, or we hear, "You can't have that. I'm playing with it." And I think for me, even hearing those words, I tighten up. We think, "Oh, is that okay?" Or, "What do I want my child to do?" Or, "What happens next?" And I also think a lot of us, we want kind of two things for our kids. We want them to feel like they can stand up for themselves, and we want them to assert their wants and needs, and we want them to develop close relationships with others and be able to share things that they might not be using in the moment. And I think that brings me to my first kind of overarching point. It is really, really hard to balance standing up for ourselves and sharing with others. If I'm honest, I still struggle with that in adult life, right? In terms of, "Oh, my friend wants this. I want something else. How do I negotiate this?" And the fact that our two-year-olds, our three-year-olds, our eight-year-olds, our 15-year-olds are struggling with it is really, really developmentally normal. And I think there's even a strategy in there, which is to notice when you, as a parent, fast-forward your kid's life and use today's struggle as evidence of some long-term problem. "Oh, I don't want my kid to be a teenager who doesn't get along with others. I don't want my kid to be an adult who's selfish." Meanwhile, in front of me is just my two-year-old who doesn't wanna share their toy trucks. So that's,

10. 10:04 – 14:07

    Practice before the moment: “wondering” questions instead of lectures

    1. BEDr. Becky10:04

       I think, strategy one. Take a deep breath and notice if you're doing the life fast-forward, and if you are, just say hi to it. "Oh, somehow the fast-forward button got pressed. Let me take a deep breath, and let me come back to this totally developmentally appropriate struggle." A couple other ideas. It is so powerful to practice strategies in advance. We have to practice strategies with our kids when they don't need to use those strategies before we have any hope of our kids actually calling on those strategies when they do need them. This is true for adults too. We all build skills when we're calm, when we feel safe. Then, when we're stressed or we're anxious or we're worried, we are only able to call upon the strategies we've mastered during those calmer moments. So what would this look like? I can imagine you saying this to your son before you go on a play date. "Hmm, we're meeting some of your friends at the playground. Oh, you know what I'm thinking about? What will it be like if you want to go down the slide, but some of your friends are waiting in line for the slide?" Or you might say, "What would happen if you wanna climb up the slide, but some kids are waiting to go down the slide? Ooh, that is so tricky." Now, I wanna differentiate what I modeled from this. "You know, when you go to the playground, there might be some kids going down the slide, and so you're gonna have to wait your turn. That slide isn't yours. It's for everyone." Now, pause. If you say that to your child, do I think, "Oh no, bad parenting move. You've messed up your child forever"? No, definitely not. But we're here to think about what would be most effective. It's not effective To predict in advance the kind of right behavior for your child. It is effective to wonder about the conflict in advance, to wonder about the problems. This actually allows your child to problem solve in advance, which is what they would need to do, again, to be able to use those strategies when the moments come. So let's say I say this to my child, "What would it be like?" If your two-year-old is like most two-year-olds, they'll look at you and say, "Can I have my breakfast now?" Right? They're, they're not gonna really engage much, right? That doesn't mean they're not listening. That actually means that there's a lot to process. So I might go further. "Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna make you your breakfast. I'm just wondering, like, if you wanna go up and someone's coming down, thinking about a couple things. One is, 'Oh, I'm just gonna go really, really fast.' One is, 'Huh, I'll wait my turn.' One is, 'Mm, gonna ask them when they go and when I go.' I don't know. What do you think would be kind of something you could imagine doing? What do you think is something you could do to make sure everyone has fun and also everyone stays safe?" I am posing the question now because now my child actually has time and energy to start to think through this situation. Here's another part of that wondering in advance. I ended it, Jim, by saying, "Ooh, that's tricky." I don't end it by giving my child some answer. If we problem solve for our kids in advance, that's not sticky for them. What ends up being sticky is them thinking through options with you. And so by ending by saying, "Ooh, that's tricky," I kinda let my kid know I'm in the problem with them. We're in this together. I'm not the person with the solution. They're not the person with the problem. We're going to think

11. 14:07 – 14:38

    Role-play to build real-world competence (couch-as-slide rehearsal)

    1. BEDr. Becky14:07

       through this together. Then I would actually play this out. I would say, "Pretend my couch is the slide," and I'd be behind my couch pretending I'm at the top of the slide. I'd have my son go in front of the couch like he's at the bottom of the slide. "Ooh, let's try some of those things. Hmm. What would it be like if you said to me, 'Hey, could I come up after you come down?' Let's try that." And we're actually now building skills that my child is going to be much more likely to

12. 14:38 – 16:46

    New baby on the way: why sharing gets harder and how to name feelings

    1. BEDr. Becky14:38

       use when the moment comes. One other thing, Jim, that I have to mention before we end. You mentioned that your family's expecting another baby. It is really, really common for kids to have an especially hard time sharing with friends when their family is expecting another child. I know it's easy to think, "Wait, I don't know if my child would connect those two. They've never had a sibling. How would they know that they're gonna have to share, and how would that come out?" They get it. They know their world is changing. They know there's going to be another person. They know that their family home, which is just them able to pick all the toys they want, is going to change, and that makes them much more hypervigilant to other situations where those same themes get played out. And so I do think it's worth saying to your child at some point, "You know what I'm thinking about? We're having another baby in this family soon. Hmm. I know that's gonna change some things. Some things will stay the same, and some things will change, and there will be another person who might be laying on the floor. There might be another person who's right near your blocks. Hmm. I know that we're gonna figure it out, and I also know that it's okay to have so many different feelings about this and to feel a little nervous about what's gonna happen with all your things when a new baby comes in the family. I understand that. It's okay to feel that way." All of this kind of goes back to remembering that our kids need help normalizing their feelings. Our kids need help understanding their feelings and their urges. And when they get that help, those feelings and urges are much less likely to act themselves out in behavior. [instrumental music] [phone ringing] And now to our final caller, Megan.

    2. F(Family caller 3 (unnamed)16:44

       [phone ringing]

13. 16:46 – 19:12

    Caller Megan: toddler sharing, kindness, and boundaries (plus “people pleaser” worries)

    1. F(Family caller 3 (unnamed)16:46

       Hi, Dr. Becky. My name is Megan, and I am from Philadelphia. I was calling in to ask about sharing. I have a two-year-old daughter, and, uh, she is just kind of learning how to share with other kids. And a lot of times, you know, some days and some toys and some moments are fine, and some other moments, uh, are a bit trickier. And so I was listening to your podcast, and I have been implementing some other similar strategies that I think you use in other situations. Um, one of them has been trying to model with, uh, you know, with one of her baby dolls or one of her teddy bears or one of her other toys. You know, when we're playing, we'll practice sharing with the baby doll or sharing our toy or food or whatever it is with teddy bear. Um, but I was wondering if you had any particular, um, experience and information that would be helpful for me to have in regards to kind of what's going on developmentally for her. Um, I know toddlers are very self-centered, um, developmentally, and that's totally fine. And if, uh, there was maybe something else, uh, that I could be doing when she interacts with other kids in particular. Some of the moments that I find tricky are when, you know, we're out and about and we run into another kid, and she has a toy that I've brought for her for out and about, and she doesn't want to share. And so I think as a recovering people pleaser myself, I'm trying to Uh, let her know that there are appropriate times where she can say no. She can say, "No, I don't wanna share this toy today. No, I'm not ready right now," um, and have that respected, but I still want to also help her build a foundation of kindness and empathy.

    2. BEDr. Becky18:42

       Hi, Megan. First of all, I just wanna say you're already doing so much. That was my first thought, and I was thinking, "Wow, Megan just stole my best strategy right from me. She does all this role-playing with stuffed animals. Ugh. Wow, she's really, really right on target." And I think the extension from there is actually a really important point when it comes to kids sharing toys, or really kids developing kind of sophisticated skills, which is that

14. 19:12 – 20:13

    Repetition matters: the wide gap between intervention and impact

    1. BEDr. Becky19:12

       it always takes longer than we want, right? We're doing the role play, we're doing this strategy, and then we go to a play date. My child has a really hard time sharing any toys. Every time a friend goes to one toy, my kids say, "No, not that. No, not that." And we think, "Oh, nothing is helping." But just remember, we have to help our kids build skills over and over and over again before we even see an inkling of the impact it has on them. That means you're going to do that stuffed animal role play many, many times before you see that work convert on a play date. And I think that part of parenting just isn't talked about enough, that, yes, we have these strategies, and yes, to some degree, we have an image of kind of the impact that will have on our child, but the gap between intervention and impact

15. 20:13 – 24:46

    Mantras to soothe “loss” anxiety: modeling “I can share it now and get it back later”

    1. BEDr. Becky20:13

       is wide. That doesn't mean you have a bad kid. That doesn't mean you're a bad parent. It just means it takes a lot of repetition to build skills, and also that the path is never linear. I have a few other ideas just truly to augment the already amazing work you're doing. One, mantras. I love mantras. I really, really love mantras because they give a kid something really specific and concrete to hold onto when they feel panicked or worried. And why do kids feel panicked or worried around sharing? Well, when another friend is playing with their favorite crayon or their favorite doll, to some degree, a child is really, really worried about loss. "Oh, no. Am I ever gonna get that back? What if something happens to it?" There's worry. And when we say to our kids, "Please share with your friend," or, "You're not being nice," that doesn't help them with the worry. If anything, it makes them more alone with the worry, and it makes them feel ashamed of their behavior, which only increases their anxiety. This is where a mantra comes in. Here's a mantra many of my kids have used, and we've practiced in advance of play dates. I can share it now and get it back later. I can share it now and get it back later. There's something about a little bit of a sing-songy tune that always makes things stick with kids. It's something I think about reaching them in a more non-verbal way, speaking to kind of the regulation that can happen when we speak more to the right brain than only to the left brain with language. So here's how I could see introducing this. I like to introduce new skills to my kids by modeling using that skill myself instead of teaching it to them as something they need to do but maybe I don't need to do. This is so effective because we de-shame the situation by joining the struggle with our kid. Then we model the strategy, and our kid is actually in a receptive place because they don't feel alone. So I could see doing something like this. "Ooh, you know, I got these new headphones, and, you know, I know Dad is gonna want to use them when he gets home. He wanted to try them, but they're mine, and I don't know. What if he takes them and they break, or what if he doesn't give them back to me? I don't... Oh, wait one second, one second. Sorry. I can share it now and get it back later. I can share it now and get it back later. I don't know. I'm still worri- Wait, wait one second. I'm gonna imagine I'm giving it to him now. He's giving it back later. I can share it now and get it back later. Ugh, saying those words is calming my body down a little bit." Then fast-forward. Let's say my husband comes home from work, and I've set this up with him, so he knows how to kind of play into this kind of moment, and he says, "Becky, could I use those new headphones? I wanna try them out." This is what I would do with my child around. "Oh, yeah. You know, I just wanna make sure you're really careful because those are my new headphones, but sure." And I'd let him take them while I turn kind of my child and say, "I'm gonna try that thing I practiced. Okay. I could share it now, and I can get it back later. I can share it now and get it back later." Then I'd have my husband eventually give them back and say, "Whew, those words really help my body stay calm. Thanks for giving them back. I knew that would happen." I am really modeling the entire process. I'm nervous. I don't want to do something. I use a mantra. It's not easy, but it makes it a little bit easier, and then we have a good ending. Your child will be absorbing this whole process, and I don't even think you're gonna need to tell your child to practice that mantra. But now with later that day or the next day, you say, "Hey, I'm thinking about that play date you're having. I'm wondering if it might be helpful. I don't know. I don't know, but maybe it'll be helpful for you to say to yourself what I said to myself last night. That would be kind of cool if we kind of both have this little thing we say when it's hard to share." I would bet your child would be likely to practice because they don't feel like a bad kid doing bad things. They don't feel like a selfish kid or a greedy kid. They feel just like you,

16. 24:46 – 26:17

    Boundaries and planning: it’s okay to keep some things private (and choose shareable items)

    1. BEDr. Becky24:46

       a person who struggles to share things, and a person who can use something like a mantra to get them through that moment. One other strategy I have in mind related to your question about bringing some new toy to a public place and not wanting to share it. I have two different thoughts of this. Number one, that's okay. Your child is allowed to take their favorite new truck into the sandbox and play with it and not share it with other children. That's really, really allowed. I'm laughing just thinking, "I really like my husband, and if my friends also want to share my husband, I'm gonna say, 'No, not sharing him.'" Right? We're allowed to do that as adults. If I'm reading a book and my friend comes over and says, "I want to read that book. Can I have it when you're done with that chapter?" I'm gonna say, "No, actually, you can't. I'll let you know when I'm done." And if I keep reading the book, I might not share it when they want. It is okay to have things for ourselves. The other thing I can imagine you saying to a child is, "Hmm, I wonder if there are other things we should bring to the playground, things that you love playing with and that might be a little bit easier to share with some of the other kids. And I know you're gonna wanna play with Rafa's big shovel. So, hmm, I wonder if this truck isn't the right one to bring, but instead, this truck is a better

17. 26:17 – 29:12

    Wrap-up: three takeaways—permission, preparation, and avoiding shame

    1. BEDr. Becky26:17

       one to bring." What I'm doing here, Megan, is I'm approaching this sharing struggle as if me and my child are on the same team, not like we're pitted against each other. Thank you, Mary, Jim, and Megan, for calling and sharing your questions. Let's tie it all together with three main takeaways. One, it's okay not to share. That's all. I'm gonna let that one sit. It's okay not to share. Two, talk about tricky sharing moments in advance rather than hoping your child magically developed some new skill in the heat of the moment. When we talk about situations in advance, we can also practice new skills because we feel calm, not activated. Three, remember that shame always gets in the way of learning. One thing we can do is join with our kid in their struggles, in this case, their sharing struggles. Model having those same struggles, even model using a coping strategy for those struggles. This helps our child feel less alone, which sets the stage for our child to incorporate new skills. Thanks for listening to Good Inside. I love co-creating episodes with you based on the real-life tricky situations in your family. To share what's happening in your home, you can call 646-598-2543, or email a voice note to goodinsidepodcast@gmail.com. There are so many more strategies and tips I want to share with you. Head to goodinside.com and sign up for Good Insider, my free weekly email with scripts and strategies delivered right to your inbox. And follow me on Instagram and Facebook, @drbeckyatgoodinside, for a daily dose of parenting and self-care ideas. Good Inside with Dr. Becky is produced by Beth Rowe and Marie Cecile Anderson, and executive produced by Erika Belsky and me, Dr. Becky. If you enjoyed this episode, please take a moment to rate and review it, or share this episode with a friend or family member as a way to start an important conversation. Let's end by placing our hands on our hearts and reminding ourselves, even as I struggle and even as I have a hard time on the outside, I remain good inside. [outro music]

Episode duration: 29:27