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At a glance
WHAT IT’S REALLY ABOUT
Rethinking kids’ sharing: boundaries, security, practice, and shame-free coaching
- Dr. Becky argues that it’s healthy for kids to sometimes not share because ownership helps them practice boundaries and prioritizing their own needs.
- Extreme sharing patterns (never sharing/hoarding or always sharing/people-pleasing) can signal deeper insecurity or overfocus on others’ approval rather than a simple “manners” issue.
- Kids often become more possessive when adults force sharing, so trust-based language and child-led negotiation better support cooperation.
- Preparation matters: talking through likely conflicts in advance and role-playing builds skills kids can access when they’re emotionally activated.
- Shame blocks learning, so parents should “join” their child’s struggle, normalize feelings about loss, and model coping tools like mantras.
IDEAS WORTH REMEMBERING
5 ideasNot sharing can be a healthy boundary practice.
Dr. Becky emphasizes that kids need experiences of keeping something for themselves to learn prioritizing needs and setting limits, not just complying to please others.
Pay attention to extremes, not isolated incidents.
A one-off toy grab is normal; more telling is a pattern of never letting anyone touch anything or, conversely, always giving in to keep others happy.
Possessiveness often reflects insecurity, not “bad character.”
Moves, childcare changes, a new school, or a new baby can make kids seek control; clinging to objects becomes a concrete way to feel safe.
Forced sharing can create more clinginess and conflict.
Commands like “Your time’s up—give it to him” mimic having things taken away, which increases defensiveness and can even encourage sneaky behavior.
Use trust-based scripts that invite kids to negotiate.
Phrases such as “You can keep using it—tell your friend when you’re done” and “Two kids, one costume… I bet you can figure it out” communicate confidence and open problem-solving.
WORDS WORTH SAVING
5 quotesOne, it's okay not to share. There, I said it. It's okay not to share.
— Dr. Becky
When we force kids to share, things like, "Your time's up, give those blocks to Hari now," they naturally become more possessive.
— Dr. Becky
Take a deep breath and notice if you're doing the life fast-forward, and if you are, just say hi to it.
— Dr. Becky
I can share it now and get it back later. I can share it now and get it back later.
— Dr. Becky
Remember that shame always gets in the way of learning.
— Dr. Becky
SPEAKERS
Dr. Becky
hostClinical psychologist and parenting expert behind the Good Inside platform.
Family caller 1 (unnamed)
guestParent caller (Mary from Seattle) seeking advice about a child and sharing during playdates.
High quality AI-generated summary created from speaker-labeled transcript.
