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It's Okay Not To Share

Imagine this: You’re reading a book and your friend says, “Oh I’ve been wanting to read that! Can I have it now?” You probably wouldn’t hand it over mid-chapter, but offer to share it once you’re done, right? And yet, when it comes to our kids, we worry that if they don’t share immediately… they’re not a good kid. This week, Dr. Becky offers a completely different perspective: It’s okay not to share sometimes. She listens to three families’ different sharing struggles and unpacks what’s really happening when kids feel possessive. For each situation, she models actionable strategies to manage these tricky moments, while helping your child learn how to balance their desires with those of others. Remember: We want our kids to assert their needs *and* we want them to be kind, generous people. We don’t have to choose. Join Good Inside Membership: http://www.goodinside.com Follow Dr. Becky on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drbeckyatgoodinside Sign up for our weekly email, Good Insider: https://www.goodinside.com/newsletter Want More? Check these out: How Do I Handle Sibling Competition? - https://youtu.be/UMSFOzj_eOo How Can I Get My Kid to Stop Doing an Annoying Behavior? - https://youtu.be/OD50b3Y8Qi8 Why Won't My Kids Listen To Anything I Say? - https://youtu.be/Rb7FSL1y3Oo Deeply Feeling Kids Need a Different Approach - https://youtu.be/WQNM5EyDtKE Motherhood Doesn’t Have to Be Martyrdom - https://youtu.be/ywJMtRHzqFY

Dr. BeckyhostFamily caller 1 (unnamed)guest
May 6, 202229mWatch on YouTube ↗

At a glance

WHAT IT’S REALLY ABOUT

Rethinking kids’ sharing: boundaries, security, practice, and shame-free coaching

  1. Dr. Becky argues that it’s healthy for kids to sometimes not share because ownership helps them practice boundaries and prioritizing their own needs.
  2. Extreme sharing patterns (never sharing/hoarding or always sharing/people-pleasing) can signal deeper insecurity or overfocus on others’ approval rather than a simple “manners” issue.
  3. Kids often become more possessive when adults force sharing, so trust-based language and child-led negotiation better support cooperation.
  4. Preparation matters: talking through likely conflicts in advance and role-playing builds skills kids can access when they’re emotionally activated.
  5. Shame blocks learning, so parents should “join” their child’s struggle, normalize feelings about loss, and model coping tools like mantras.

IDEAS WORTH REMEMBERING

5 ideas

Not sharing can be a healthy boundary practice.

Dr. Becky emphasizes that kids need experiences of keeping something for themselves to learn prioritizing needs and setting limits, not just complying to please others.

Pay attention to extremes, not isolated incidents.

A one-off toy grab is normal; more telling is a pattern of never letting anyone touch anything or, conversely, always giving in to keep others happy.

Possessiveness often reflects insecurity, not “bad character.”

Moves, childcare changes, a new school, or a new baby can make kids seek control; clinging to objects becomes a concrete way to feel safe.

Forced sharing can create more clinginess and conflict.

Commands like “Your time’s up—give it to him” mimic having things taken away, which increases defensiveness and can even encourage sneaky behavior.

Use trust-based scripts that invite kids to negotiate.

Phrases such as “You can keep using it—tell your friend when you’re done” and “Two kids, one costume… I bet you can figure it out” communicate confidence and open problem-solving.

WORDS WORTH SAVING

5 quotes

One, it's okay not to share. There, I said it. It's okay not to share.

— Dr. Becky

When we force kids to share, things like, "Your time's up, give those blocks to Hari now," they naturally become more possessive.

— Dr. Becky

Take a deep breath and notice if you're doing the life fast-forward, and if you are, just say hi to it.

— Dr. Becky

I can share it now and get it back later. I can share it now and get it back later.

— Dr. Becky

Remember that shame always gets in the way of learning.

— Dr. Becky

Sharing vs boundaries (it’s okay not to share)Watching for extremes: hoarding vs constant sharingInsecurity and family transitions as driversForced sharing backfires and increases possessivenessTrust language and facilitation scriptsPre-teaching: “wondering” in advance and role-play practiceMantras to manage fear of loss; shame-free modeling

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