Good Inside with Dr. BeckyRight, But Should We Be Scheduling Sex? Esther Perel Answers All The Questions
CHAPTERS
- 0:02 – 1:45
Scheduling sex after kids: turn routine into a ritual
Dr. Becky asks whether it’s “awful” to schedule sex in the early years of parenting. Esther reframes scheduling as creating a reliable container—and emphasizes making it a ritual infused with intention, anticipation, and creativity.
- •Scheduling sex isn’t bad; the issue is a task-like mindset about calendars
- •Eroticism is fueled by anticipation and looking forward to connection
- •A set time can become special when you intentionally ritualize it
- •Ritual = routine + creativity + meaning
- •Reliability can support erotic imagination rather than kill it
- 1:45 – 2:23
Using small windows of time: structure creates freedom
They discuss the reality of limited time—like overlapping nap windows—and how structure can actually create freedom for intimacy. Esther encourages choosing connection over chores when a time slot opens up.
- •A short, predictable window can be a powerful “container” for play
- •Choosing intimacy over tasks (e.g., cleaning) can be a mindset shift
- •Parenting changes the definition of freedom
- •With kids, freedom often comes from structure—not its absence
- •Small pockets of time can still hold meaningful erotic connection
- 2:23 – 4:48
Caretaking vs. romance: why switching roles is hard (especially for mothers)
A listener question raises how caretaking mode can threaten romance. Esther explains how women’s arousal often requires moving attention away from responsibility for others and toward self-focus and pleasure.
- •Many men feel turned on by their partner’s arousal; women’s arousal often depends on what happens to them
- •Caretaking and eroticism pull focus in opposite directions
- •Transitioning from caregiver to erotic self requires healthy self-focus
- •Women may need distance from the caregiving ‘locus’ to feel carefree
- •Integrating “mother” and “woman” in the same home is a real challenge
- 4:48 – 6:30
Practical transition rituals + “responsive desire” (willingness before wanting)
Dr. Becky asks what couples can do when they can’t get away or create big romantic setups. Esther offers concrete micro-rituals and normalizes responsive desire—where willingness can precede desire.
- •Help the caregiving partner transition: shower, walk, bath, music, 15 minutes alone
- •Make the partner an ally in the ritual rather than someone who has to persuade
- •Desire doesn’t always start as spontaneous; responsive desire is common
- •Start with willingness (“let’s see where it takes me”)
- •Don’t misread willingness as rejection or a permanent desire discrepancy
- 6:30 – 8:19
Bring play and fantasy home: imagination as freedom in confinement
Esther shares ways to create novelty without travel—using imagination, play, and “transgression” within ordinary domestic life. She gives examples of couples creating special scenes at home and encourages adults to reclaim playfulness.
- •You can ‘create a trip’ at home using imagination and sensory cues
- •Adults often reserve play for kids; erotic energy thrives on play
- •Domesticity can wrongly imply seriousness and loss of mischief
- •Being playful at home can be more powerful than elaborate productions
- •Couples who sustain eroticism know how to ‘resurrect’ playful energy
- 8:19 – 9:02
Awkwardness and guilt are part of the process—don’t wait them out
Dr. Becky connects Esther’s point about awkwardness to parents’ guilt about taking time away from kids. They emphasize doing the thing while tolerating discomfort—and even naming awkwardness directly in the moment.
- •Don’t wait until it feels natural; awkwardness is expected
- •Name the awkwardness and include it rather than fighting it
- •Parental guilt about leaving kids is common and must be tolerated
- •Discomfort isn’t a sign you’re doing it wrong—it’s part of change
- •Playfulness can start with small, imperfect attempts
- 9:02 – 11:00
Calling out systemic parent guilt—and why martyrdom harms kids
Esther broadens the discussion to cultural and generational forces that intensify parental guilt today. She warns that self-deprivation can lead parents to recruit children as emotional caregivers, creating unhealthy burdens.
- •Parent guilt is historically and systemically shaped; previous generations felt it differently
- •The culture can demand total sacrifice (“if you don’t want to give everything, don’t have kids”)
- •Chronic self-denial can lead to seeking validation from children
- •Kids can become emotional caretakers when parents lack adult support
- •Healthy parenting includes community, friendships, and adult validation
- 11:00 – 12:46
Reconnecting when you feel far apart: start with ownership and vulnerability
A final listener question asks for concrete steps before sex when partners feel distant. Esther proposes beginning with acknowledgment, a letter, and owning one’s part—inviting reconnection without blame or pressure.
- •Use a letter or direct acknowledgment to name distance and sadness
- •Lead with ownership, not accusation (“I’ve contributed too”)
- •Express longing: “I miss you, I miss us,” and invite partnership
- •Vulnerability is an act of caring for the relationship
- •Reconnection begins before physical intimacy—through emotional risk-taking
- 12:46 – 13:55
Make it meaningful, not performative: create moments of care and attention
Esther explains that rebuilding doesn’t mean grand seduction gestures; it means demonstrating that your partner matters through intentional time and atmosphere. She emphasizes acting from “enlightened self-interest,” even without guarantees.
- •Don’t jump from distance to lingerie—start with presence and care
- •Create a real moment: sit together, music, a meal, a thoughtful setting
- •Show your partner they matter through action, not only words
- •Do it because it matters to you, even if the response is uncertain
- •“Enlightened self-interest” supports courage and consistency
- 13:55 – 15:38
Touch as a bridge: small gestures that rebuild closeness safely
Esther offers specific, low-pressure physical steps to reintroduce closeness: holding hands, massage, gentle invitations, and affectionate noticing. The focus is on touch and warmth without turning every gesture into a demand for sex.
- •Start with simple contact: hands, shoulders, hair—notice what feels good
- •Avoid weaponized commentary (“why don’t we ever…,” “what took you so long”)
- •Use adult language to acknowledge stiffness and awkwardness kindly
- •Gestures should be genuine, not transactional ‘lead-ons’
- •You can live without sex, but not well without touch
- 15:38 – 17:10
Marriage after kids + shifting from tasks to meaning in relationships
As they wrap, Dr. Becky asks if marriage “should” change after kids; Esther says it inevitably does, and the question is what couples do with those facts. They highlight a move from task-orientation to meaning and appreciation of the person behind actions.
- •Parenthood changes bodies, sexuality, time, and resources—inevitably
- •The key is how couples respond to these realities
- •Shift appreciation from tasks (“thanks for tea”) to meaning (“that was thoughtful”)
- •Focus on the relationship, not just logistics
- •Relationship quality strongly shapes life quality
- 17:10 – 19:05
Owning desire: ‘I turn myself off/on’ and cultivating vitality
They explore Esther’s framework for understanding desire as self-owned rather than partner-controlled. She distinguishes between blaming (“you turn me off”) and self-awareness (“I turn myself off when…”), tying desire to feeling alive and vital.
- •Reframe from “you turn me off” to “I turn myself off by…”
- •Identify personal off-switches: worry, anxiety, conflict, body discomfort, no self-care
- •Identify on-switches: nature, music, friends, feeling alive
- •Desire is about owning wanting; you can’t force someone to want
- •Erotic connection aims for vitality, not just sex or obligation
- 19:05 – 22:01
Investing in the couple benefits the whole family + closing reflections
Esther argues that redirecting some energy from kids back into the partnership strengthens the entire family system. Dr. Becky closes by encouraging listeners to share the episode with partners as a “third” to ease hard conversations, then ends with show notes and a grounding affirmation.
- •Supporting the couple relationship ultimately gives more to the kids
- •The family ‘triangle’ requires attention to the partnership, not only parenting
- •Use shared media (episode/article/book) as a third point to talk about hard topics
- •Invite reconnection by sharing the episode with a personal note
- •Closing credits and Good Inside affirmation: ‘I remain good inside’
