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Right, But Should We Be Scheduling Sex? Esther Perel Answers All The Questions

One episode with the renowned couples therapist, Esther Perel, just isn't enough. So this week she's back to answer all of your relationship questions. Join Good Inside Membership: http://bit.ly/3YmAUgW Follow Dr. Becky on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drbeckyatgoodinside Sign up for our weekly email, Good Insider: https://www.goodinside.com/newsletter Order Dr. Becky's book, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be, at goodinside.com/book or wherever you order your books. For more Esther Perel, head to estherperel.com or listen to her podcast Where Should We Begin. Stories are the building blocks of relationships and Esther Perel designed a game to bring out the storyteller in you. Get yours at https://game.estherperel.com Today’s episode is brought to you by Cerebelly: Cerebelly is baby food with 16 key nutrients that nourish a growing brain. Cerebelly’s organic, non-GMO recipes include vegetables as the main ingredient and offer nutrients that are matched to your child’s developmental stage. Cerebelly is Clean Label Project Certified, meaning they’ve been rigorously tested for over 400 heavy metals and toxins. Use the code GOODINSIDE for 20% off your first order and get an additional 15% off when you sign up for subscribe & save at cerebelly.com

Dr. Becky KennedyhostEsther Perelguest
Feb 14, 202322mWatch on YouTube ↗

At a glance

WHAT IT’S REALLY ABOUT

Esther Perel reframes post-kids intimacy through ritual, play, and agency

  1. Perel argues that “scheduling sex” after kids can be healthy when it becomes a ritual—an intentional, creative container that builds anticipation rather than a task on a calendar.
  2. She explains why caretaking mode often blocks eroticism, especially for many mothers, and why shifting from caregiver to erotic self requires protected time, reduced responsibility, and self-focused attention.
  3. The conversation reframes desire as something you “own,” highlighting responsive desire (starting from willingness) and the practical question, “How do I turn myself off—and on?”
  4. Perel and Kennedy challenge parental guilt and martyrdom, warning that self-deprivation can recruit children into emotional caretaking and harm family dynamics.
  5. They offer concrete reconnection steps—letters, meaning-focused appreciation, gentle touch, and playful imagination—to rebuild closeness without pressure or blame.

IDEAS WORTH REMEMBERING

5 ideas

Scheduling intimacy can increase desire when it creates anticipation.

Perel encourages “schedule away” if the planned time becomes something to look forward to; anticipation is framed as a key ingredient of erotic imagination.

Turn routine into ritual by adding intentionality and creativity.

A ritual is described as a routine infused with intention—music, atmosphere, transitions, or playful cues that signal “this is ours,” not another chore.

After kids, structure can create freedom rather than restrict it.

With limited windows (like overlapping naps), treating the time as a protected container can free couples to choose connection over more household tasks.

Caretaking responsibilities often block erotic focus; transition rituals help.

Perel emphasizes that many women need distance—literal or psychological—from caregiving to focus on their own pleasure, and small transitions (shower, walk, 15 minutes alone) can bridge the shift.

Desire doesn’t always start as spontaneous wanting; it may start as willingness.

Perel normalizes responsive desire: “Let’s see where it takes me,” and cautions partners not to interpret this as rejection or a permanent mismatch.

WORDS WORTH SAVING

5 quotes

A ritual is a routine that is infused with intentionality and creativity.

— Esther Perel

When you have little ones, structure creates freedom.

— Esther Perel

Victoria's Secret doesn't solve this.

— Esther Perel

We can live without sex, but we don't live well without touch.

— Esther Perel

Quality of your relationship determines the quality of your life, ultimately.

— Esther Perel

Scheduling sex as ritual vs taskAnticipation and erotic imaginationCaretaking mode vs erotic selfResponsive desire and willingnessUsing imagination/play within domestic lifeParental guilt and “motherhood as martyrdom”Concrete reconnection gestures (letters, touch, appreciation)

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