CHAPTERS
- 0:00 – 1:01
Sponsor: Virtual eating disorder treatment with Equip
Dr. Becky opens with a message about how eating disorders can be hard to recognize and even harder to respond to as a parent. She highlights Equip as a virtual, at-home treatment option with a full care team and parent support.
- •Eating disorders may not match common stereotypes
- •The hardest part can be knowing what to do after concerns arise
- •Early support improves outcomes but access is often slow/confusing
- •Equip offers virtual treatment at home with a full team
- •No waitlist; insurance-covered across all 50 states
- 1:01 – 4:04
The parenting shift: When your old instincts suddenly stop working
Dr. Becky describes the disorienting moment when a child’s emotional and relational needs change and familiar parenting moves backfire. Normal bids for connection start landing as “cringe,” intrusive, or interrogating—leaving parents feeling rejected.
- •Physical affection and warm tone may be met with flinching or eye-rolling
- •Curiosity about their life can be interpreted as interrogation
- •Parents can feel sadness, anger, and rejection at the same time
- •Grief emerges: missing the “little kid” version of your child
- •Tween/teenhood demands a different kind of parenting presence
- 4:04 – 5:16
Meet Dr. Sheryl Ziegler and why “tween” is its own developmental stage
Dr. Becky introduces Dr. Sheryl Ziegler and her focus on the in-between years. Dr. Sheryl explains why tweens (roughly 8–13) experience a uniquely messy transition—one foot in childhood and one in adolescence.
- •Dr. Sheryl’s clinical focus is tweens and teens
- •Tweens are a distinct stage, not just “older kids” or “young teens”
- •The in-between years are inherently messy and shifting
- •Parents often underestimate how early tween dynamics can start
- •This stage brings rapid changes in identity and preferences
- 5:16 – 6:32
What catches parents off guard: Confidence as a parent—and then sudden whiplash
Parents often feel they’ve finally become competent, only to have their child’s preferences, moods, and attachment behaviors change quickly. That sudden mismatch can make parents feel like they lost their footing.
- •Parents feel: ‘I finally know what works’—then it stops working
- •Kids abruptly reject former favorites (activities, music, routines)
- •The surprise is less the change itself than the speed of it
- •Parents experience the shift as losing competence, not just connection
- •This stage can feel like the child you knew is “gone”
- 6:32 – 7:21
The emotional impact on parents: Loss, rejection, and a new power dynamic
Dr. Sheryl names the feelings that arise: loss, confusion, anger, sadness, and rejection. Parents also feel a leadership shift—needing an “invitation” for closeness or even conversation.
- •Common parent emotions: loss, sadness, anger, confusion, rejection
- •Home can feel quieter as kids retreat
- •Parents lose the sense of setting the tone and routines
- •Kids begin to assert privacy (room, body, boundaries)
- •The relationship model changes even if love remains
- 7:21 – 9:46
From orbit to exploration: Attachment needs don’t disappear—they change form
Dr. Becky frames the shift through attachment: young kids orbit parents; tweens start exploring away from the secure base. The challenge is staying anchored without retaliating or taking the distancing personally.
- •You remain the secure base even as they explore independence
- •Exploration shows up as changing preferences and wanting space
- •Parents may retaliate when they feel pushed away
- •Pulling the anchor away can escalate disconnection
- •The goal is to stay steady even when closeness looks different
- 9:46 – 11:18
Two common traps: ‘Fine, forget it’ vs. pursuing harder (and why both backfire)
They discuss how parents often respond to tween distancing by either passive-aggressively withdrawing or chasing for closeness. Both tend to intensify tween avoidance; what’s needed is a new middle way.
- •Withdrawal can look like: ‘We’ll have fun without you’
- •Pursuit can become pressure: too many questions/solutions/invitations
- •Kids run harder when parents chase harder
- •What worked at 7 (comfort, solving) can feel invasive at 12
- •A middle approach requires restraint and emotional tolerance
- 11:18 – 12:41
The ‘middle way’: Being available without hovering—presence as the new skill
They define the nuanced stance: not banging down doors, not disappearing, but staying emotionally available. Dr. Becky and Dr. Sheryl emphasize that this steady presence matters even when kids don’t visibly respond.
- •‘I’m here’ without forcing interaction
- •Availability without surveillance or interrogation
- •Kids still benefit from felt-sense parental presence
- •This is a new parenting language—neither extreme works
- •Consistency matters more than immediate appreciation
- 12:41 – 15:13
What’s happening in their brain and body: Puberty as a major internal reorganization
Dr. Sheryl explains that tween behavior reflects real neurological and hormonal restructuring. Parents can think of this as watching a child work a hard puzzle: your job isn’t to solve it, but to support the process.
- •Puberty involves brain restructuring and hormone shifts
- •Mood volatility often reflects dysregulation, not intent
- •Role experimentation is part of identity formation
- •Parent stance: observe and support, don’t take over
- •Parents are also learning this phase for the first time
- 15:13 – 18:34
‘Potted plant’ parenting: Quiet, steady presence without fixing or withdrawing
They bring the concept of presence to life: staying in the room, doing light tasks, not filling silence with advice. The “potted plant” metaphor helps parents embody calm steadiness that changes the emotional atmosphere.
- •Presence isn’t phone-scrolling or leaving; it’s regulated availability
- •Light activity (dishes, tidying) can reduce awkwardness while staying close
- •Hold space for emotions without rushing to make them go away
- •Avoid over-talking; simple validation often works best
- •Adapt presence to real life constraints (work/out of home)
- 18:34 – 21:11
Holding boundaries: You’re not a punching bag—‘redo’ after disrespect
Dr. Becky raises the fear of becoming an emotional dumping ground, and Dr. Sheryl confirms boundaries are essential. They recommend naming what’s not okay and returning later to do a ‘redo’ when everyone is calmer.
- •Parents often feel like they’re ‘walking on eggshells’
- •Validate feelings while setting limits on tone and disrespect
- •‘Redo’ conversations: postpone and revisit when regulated
- •Kids aren’t usually trying to be hurtful; they’re learning separation
- •Boundaries preserve connection and model respect
- 21:11 – 23:15
Seeing their goodness in hard moments: A de-escalation that builds security
Instead of reacting to rudeness, they suggest taking a breath and wondering what’s going on underneath. Naming a child’s “good inside” helps them feel seen when they can’t access their best self.
- •Pause and assume there’s a reason beneath the behavior
- •Use curiosity: ‘I’m wondering what today has been like’
- •Remind them of their goodness in a genuine way
- •This communicates: ‘I still see you’ during dysregulation
- •De-escalation starts with parent regulation
- 23:15 – 28:49
Repair vs. apology: Owning your missteps and creating a new pattern
They distinguish true repair from a quick apology meant to end discomfort. Repair includes accountability, empathy, and a plan—showing your child you can reflect, change, and stay a stable base.
- •Repair is more than ‘sorry’—it deepens connection rather than shutting it down
- •Avoid excuses that normalize yelling; add accountability and impact
- •Share what you’ll do differently next time (self-care, timing, support)
- •Modeling repair teaches relational skills teens will use elsewhere
- •‘I’ve never parented you at this age before’ adds humility without avoiding responsibility
- 28:49 – 32:48
Reframing the in-between years + announcement: A new Good Inside podcast for tween/teen parents
They close by reframing this stage as a shift—not a rupture—and emphasizing that kids still need their parents even when they act otherwise. Dr. Sheryl announces her new show, ‘The In-Between Years,’ and previews topics like identity, boundaries, trust, and staying connected through change.
- •This stage can be approached with curiosity and even excitement
- •Celebrate growth markers (new responsibilities, new capabilities)
- •New podcast: ‘The In-Between Years’ with Dr. Sheryl Ziegler
- •Focus areas: identity, independence, conflict repair, boundaries, trust
- •Core takeaway: ‘They act like they don’t need you. They still need you.’
