Good Inside with Dr. BeckyTween Behavior Changes: Talking Back, Eye Rolls, and Hidden Anxiety | Dr. Sheryl
CHAPTERS
- 0:00 – 1:01
Sponsor: Virtual eating-disorder treatment with Equip
Dr. Sheryl opens with a sponsor message highlighting how eating disorders can be hard to spot and even harder to treat quickly. She explains that Equip offers at-home, virtual treatment with a full care team and parent support.
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- •Call to action: equip.health/goodinside
- 1:01 – 2:02
Tween ‘attitude’ shows up: eye rolls, sighs, doors—and parental worry
Dr. Sheryl names the small-but-jarring behaviors many parents notice around ages 9–10: eye rolls, talking back, and pushback. She frames the core parenting dilemma—how to respond without escalating into constant power struggles.
- •Common tween signals: eye rolls, sighs, ‘ugh mom,’ harder door closes
- •Parents often feel like their “sweet kid” suddenly changed
- •Focus of episode: respond effectively without power struggles
- •Conversation setup with a mom of a nearly-10-year-old
- •Normalizing that these behaviors often start right around this age
- 2:02 – 3:23
Show framework: The in-between years require ‘needing you differently’
The host introduces the podcast’s purpose and the developmental context of tweens and teens. She emphasizes that kids don’t need parents less—they need them in a different way as identity, friendships, and pressures intensify.
- •Tweens/teens are ‘not little, not fully grown’
- •Emotions grow, friendships shift, identity starts forming
- •Modern pressures: social media, academics, body changes, independence
- •Parents can feel unsure what behaviors mean
- •Core mantra: they still need you—differently
- 3:23 – 4:16
Anna’s concern: not listening, talking back, and a ‘different kid’ with friends
Anna describes her 9-year-old (almost 10) increasingly testing boundaries and ignoring instructions. She shares a concrete example—girls not getting off the trampoline—plus the unsettling contrast between how her daughter behaves at home versus with peers.
- •Only child, first-time parenting uncertainty
- •Boundary testing: talking back, not listening, ignoring repeated requests
- •Trampoline incident with friends highlights noncompliance
- •Peer context changes behavior—child seems “different” with friends
- •Parent frustration builds when reminders don’t work
- 4:16 – 7:04
Under anger is fear: what ‘disrespect’ triggers in parents
Dr. Sheryl guides Anna to look beneath frustration to the fear driving it—worry about who her daughter is becoming. She reframes emotions like anger and disappointment as signals of deeper concerns about values, reputation, and long-term character.
- •Prompt: identify fear underneath anger
- •Anna’s fear: daughter will become a disrespectful person
- •Visible story: defiance vs. parental yelling; hidden story: fear on both sides
- •Tween shift can feel like “who is this person I’m launching into the world?”
- •Naming fear helps parents respond more intentionally
- 7:04 – 9:59
Re-grounding: ‘She’s a good kid having a hard time’ + parent regulation matters
Anna recognizes her child is overall a good kid and that her own mood and depleted “fuel tank” affects reactions. Dr. Sheryl highlights how regulation changes interpretation—parents can remember the bigger picture when calm, but seek control when depleted.
- •Parents tend to fixate on negatives and question if something is wrong
- •Calm reflection allows repair conversations after conflict
- •Parental reserves influence yelling and urgency
- •When depleted, parents default to control: ‘get off now’
- •Key reframe: good kid + big transitions
- 9:59 – 13:15
Parents are in transition too: losing ‘easy control’ as kids grow
The conversation shifts to the parent’s developmental task—updating parenting strategies as direct control decreases. Anna notes how toddlers can be physically moved, but tweens require a different approach amid phones, social media, and looming middle school.
- •Parenting gets harder in new ways as kids age
- •Old tools (physical control, simple compliance) stop working
- •Modern landscape adds complexity (tech, social pressure)
- •Parents must ‘learn a new way to parent’ repeatedly
- •Acknowledging parent transition reduces panic about the child
- 13:15 – 14:05
‘Yellow flag’ puberty/brain changes + proactive problem-solving before the moment
Dr. Sheryl introduces a measured mindset: treat new limit-pushing as a ‘yellow flag’ to pay attention, not an emergency. She recommends talking outside the heated moment and using prior incidents as data to plan a better strategy together.
- •Early puberty can start in the brain before visible physical signs
- •Limit-pushing at 9–10 can be developmentally expectable
- •Use a prior hard moment (trampoline) to plan ahead
- •Name that the old approach isn’t working anymore
- •Shift from reactive commands to proactive collaboration
- 14:05 – 16:43
Shoulder-to-shoulder collaboration: from ‘CEO parent’ to teammate
Dr. Sheryl models language that treats parent and child as partners solving a shared problem. This shift invites the child’s competence, acknowledges the pull of fun/peers, and increases buy-in by positioning the child as capable and helpful.
- •Approach: ‘We had a hard time—how can we do it differently next time?’
- •Acknowledge fun/immersion, not “badness,” as the driver of noncompliance
- •Talk to the child as someone who can succeed
- •Reveal parent limits: ‘Sometimes I’m at 20%—can you help me?’
- •Asking for help increases attention and responsibility
- 16:43 – 19:24
Core developmental goal before adolescence: building competence (not just compliance)
Dr. Sheryl explains that up to around age 12, parenting should prioritize competence—practice, failure, and growth—over simply preventing problems. She cautions that canceling opportunities (like playdates) can unintentionally communicate mistrust in both parent and child.
- •Primary goal before 12: competence through practice and learning
- •Avoid over-removal of opportunities as the main strategy
- •Punitive shutdown can signal: ‘I don’t trust you’ / ‘I can’t handle this’
- •Help kids assess what they can do and what they need support with
- •Competence now sets the stage for identity work later
- 19:24 – 21:08
Boundaries still matter: consistent limits + alignment between parents
Alongside collaboration, Dr. Sheryl stresses the need for firm, consistent boundaries—kids are supposed to push, and parents are supposed to hold. She highlights the importance of parents being on the same page so the child doesn’t learn to exploit inconsistency.
- •It’s the child’s job to push; it’s the parent’s job to maintain boundaries
- •Avoid moving boundaries after setting them
- •Parent alignment matters: malleable vs. ‘brick wall’ sends mixed signals
- •Don’t wait for “17 reminders”—make the wall clear at 2–3
- •Consistency teaches safety and predictable limits
- 21:08 – 24:23
The ‘sprinkles’ strategy: one small lesson at a time (without re-punishing)
Dr. Sheryl coaches Anna to have brief, focused follow-up talks—‘sprinkles’—rather than long lectures. The goal is to extract one lesson from a recent incident, revisit it over several days, and keep the conversation growth-oriented instead of shaming.
- •Follow-up conversations shouldn’t be one-and-done
- •Start with caring intent: ‘I thought about it because I love you’
- •Pick one focus (e.g., attitude as communication problem)
- •Use curiosity: ask what attitude might signal underneath
- •Repeat one lesson over time so it feels like learning, not re-punishment
- 24:23 – 25:43
Model what’s underneath attitude: naming needs, frustration, and mind-reading wishes
They discuss how parents can go ‘below the surface’ by modeling the feelings behind their own tone—tiredness, fear, frustration, wanting someone to understand without being told. This normalizes emotions while teaching the child a language for what’s really happening.
- •Shoulder-to-shoulder modeling reduces defensiveness
- •Go past visible explanations to underlying needs and fears
- •Example: frustration that others can’t read your mind
- •Invite the child to relate: ‘Do you ever want people to read your mind?’
- •Respect becomes a shared family practice, not just a child problem
- 25:43 – 27:06
Closing takeaway: attitude is often development—stay steady; they need you differently
Dr. Sheryl zooms out to normalize the shift: these behaviors often signal new developmental growth, not that something is wrong. She encourages parents to stay steady, remembering that tweens may act independent while still needing a reliable home base.
- •Talking back/not listening often reflects growing independence and bigger feelings
- •Friendships and peer context become more central
- •Goal isn’t eliminating moments, but staying steady through them
- •This stage feels hard because it is hard
- •Core reminder: they act like they don’t need you, but they still do
