Contracts of Love & Money That Make or Break Relationships | James Sexton

Sexton repeatedly stresses that marriage automatically triggers a legal rule set written by legislators, which can change without your input. A prenup simply replaces that default with terms you and your partner consciously design. Framing it this way shifts prenups from being “unromantic” to being an act of mutual authorship and protection.

Over 25 years and hundreds to thousands of prenups, Sexton estimates he has only divorced about five couples who had one. He believes this is largely self‑selection: the kind of people who can calmly discuss fears, money, risk, and obligations before marrying are the kind of people who can negotiate conflict well later. The prenup forces important conversations most couples avoid.

Sexton sees divorce as “intimacy weaponized”: all the secrets and vulnerabilities you shared in trust can be used against you in adversarial litigation. Deciding up front how to divide assets, address financial imbalances, or handle contingencies (even pets and ashes) avoids years of courtroom combat that can destroy not just wealth but good memories and co‑parenting capacity.

He argues you cannot truly feel loved if you don’t feel emotionally and physically safe. A well‑designed prenup can help a lower‑earning partner feel secure about future finances (e.g., compensating for time taken off to raise children), and help the higher‑earner feel they’re not being loved only for their assets. Both sides can then relax into the relationship.

Sexton notes that mothers are judged harshly if they don’t have primary custody, so women often fight harder for it. He also highlights double standards in infidelity: men are framed as immoral or childish when they cheat, women as driven to it by unmet needs or “self‑discovery.” These biases shape how people experience divorce, guilt, and public judgment, and complicate healing.