How to Find & Be a Great Romantic Partner | Lori Gottlieb

From childhood many people are talked out of their feelings (“Don’t be sad,” “You’re too sensitive”), so they grow up seeing emotions as problems to eliminate. Gottlieb argues feelings are information—like a compass—that tell us where boundaries are violated, where something matters, or where change is needed. Instead of numbing out or instantly acting, ask, “What is this feeling trying to tell me?” and “How can I use it productively rather than discharge it on someone else?”

When both partners are emotionally “dysregulated,” arguments escalate and nothing good happens. Gottlieb suggests intentionally pausing: go for a walk, read, go to the gym, then agree on a specific time to revisit the issue. In the interim, instead of spinning blame stories, mentally tell the story from your partner’s perspective and look for even a small overlap of understanding. Return to the conversation only when at least one adult, regulated nervous system is “in the room.”

We tend to be unconsciously drawn to partners who resemble the parent (or caregiver) who hurt or neglected us—not because it feels good but because it feels familiar. This can look like repeatedly choosing drinkers, withdrawers, yellers, or avoidant people even if we promise to pick the ‘opposite.’ The unconscious fantasy is, “I’ll win this time; I’ll get love from this kind of person.” Therapy helps you see that pull, grieve what you didn’t get, and choose partners for healthy reasons instead of unfinished business.

What we call “instant chemistry” can actually be anxiety or the familiar charge of old wounds, not necessarily compatibility. Longitudinal research shows many happy couples did *not* report fireworks on the first date at the time; they later rewrote the story. Gottlieb recommends using a different filter: after a date, ask “Did I feel basically good and calm around this person?” If yes, see them again—even without butterflies—rather than endlessly optimizing on apps for a perfect ‘spark’ that often predicts volatility.

Gottlieb distinguishes fear of death from fear of “not having lived.” Keeping death awareness “on your shoulder” can push you toward more intentional choices rather than clinging to the “certainty of misery” you know. The opposite of depression isn’t happiness, she says; it’s vitality. Often the *safest* thing long term is to take a risk—ending a dead relationship, changing careers, trying something meaningful—rather than staying in familiar stagnation that leads to regret.