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Jay Shetty Podcast

DREW BARRYMORE ON: If You STRUGGLE To Find & Keep Real Love, WATCH THIS! | Jay Shetty

You can order my new book 8 RULES OF LOVE at 8rulesoflove.com or at a retail store near you. You can also get the chance to see me live on my first ever world tour.

Drew BarrymoreguestJay Shettyhost

Jan 30, 202359mWatch on YouTube

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CHAPTERS

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Chapter summaries

Starting a New Show During the Pandemic
Drew Barrymore thanks Jay Shetty for being one of the first guests on her new show at the height of the pandemic, when few people wanted to talk. Jay shares how warmly she greeted him backstage.
- •The show launched when people didn't know what to say and the world was telling everyone to be quiet
- •Drew says guests coming on early made it feel safe for others
- •The show had to be reworked from its 2019 plan, with a lot of pivoting
- •Jay praises Drew's warmth and says she is the same on and off camera
Observing People as a Child Performer
Drew says she should be wary of people who are different in different rooms, and describes learning from early on to watch how people behave. She started working at 11 months old and was always sorting which traits to keep.
- •Distinguishing people who are performing from people who treat others differently
- •Started working in a diaper at 11 months, well before E.T.
- •Watching a woman prepare for a play by crying out on stage
- •Hyper-aware as an infant of people being rude to others
- •Still has no time for cruelty, arrogance or rudeness, and holds herself to task for it
Becoming the Person You Criticize: Kindness and Empathy
Jay tells of a negative monk who annoyed him until another monk pointed out he was doing the same thing, and asks how Drew avoided turning cold. Drew says the experience made her more kind and empathetic and steered her away from gossip.
- •Jay's monastery story about comparing, complaining and criticizing
- •Drew says she grew up around gossip and chose not to be a gossiper
- •She gravitated toward people who don't talk trash
- •Both say they can seem short-tempered when tired and busy
Mastering Reaction and the Inner Work with Her Therapist
Drew describes her adult life as becoming about mastering her reactions. She talks about her therapist Barry, who stepped away from their work over her drinking, and about stopping drinking and building an inner life.
- •Holding herself accountable and looking for triggers to respond differently next time
- •Her therapist ended their work after eight years, and she later asked him back
- •Her drinking choice is not sobriety, and she did it for herself rather than for others
- •Her work with Barry now focuses on the word 'inner'
- •The outside world can't be controlled, but the inner world can be worked on
Self-Forgiveness and the Liberation of Change
Prompted by Jay's question about forgiveness, Drew reflects on her difficult childhood and says self-forgiveness is a new concept for her. She says real forgiveness can't be used as a technique, and that change itself is liberating.
- •Many kids go through extraordinary circumstances, which she recalls from the institution
- •She was always forgiving of others but never taught to forgive herself
- •Forgiveness doesn't work if done to feel better
- •Stopping drinking showed her she is capable of change
- •A therapist or guide who keeps you in the same place is not a good sign
Evicting Shame and Guilt
Jay asks about shame and guilt, and Drew likens them to bad roommates she wants to evict. She says she is working with Barry on pain around her mother and on her drinking, and feels she is running out of time.
- •Shame and guilt tied to her family story and to drinking
- •Comparing them to roommates she resents and wants to kick out
- •Wanting to find the 'B side' of her life without self-loathing
- •People see her as positive without knowing how heavy it can be inside
Don't Stay Stuck: Get On With It
Drew says she doesn't stay stuck or depressed and recommends small physical actions like cleaning and music. She describes how true friends confronted her about her drinking and says she is all in for tough love.
- •Get out of bed, do the dishes and put on a song so endorphins come
- •Cleaning as a spiritual act
- •Friends who held up mirrors to her are true friends
- •She's all in for tough love
Group Nights in the Institution and Truth-Telling
Drew describes the family group sessions at the institution she was in at 13, where honest, non-aggressive confrontation shaped her life. She realizes mid-conversation that her show may echo those group nights.
- •Families and patients sat in a circle and talked openly about what went wrong, with parents as accountable as kids
- •Not sweeping things under the carpet formed her permanently
- •She wonders if she runs her show like those rooms
- •Letting out secrets can be liberating, and she still has some she's only now willing to look at
What Makes a Space Feel Safe, and Writing Your Own Post-It
Jay asks what made the group feel safe, and Drew answers truth and the absence of judgment. She tells of being ghosted after a great date and how Barry suggested she write the 'I'm sorry, I can't, don't hate me' note to herself.
- •Safety comes from truth and not feeling judged
- •Barry asks how to make yourself feel safe if others don't provide it
- •The Sex and the City Post-It note seen as a useful kindness
- •Jay notes people who postpone ending relationships stay stuck, and Drew calls it a prison
How Do You Receive Love? Rethinking the Hierarchy of Love
Drew asks Jay how to receive love, saying she is good at giving it but stuck in romance. Jay says romantic love has been put on a pedestal and that wisdom traditions treat love for everyone as the ultimate expression.
- •Drew feels abundant in love yet is scared of letting someone in
- •Jay says society places romantic love at the top of a hierarchy
- •Wisdom traditions emphasize love for everyone you meet
- •Drew has been single almost seven years and calls them some of her happiest
- •Pedestal expectations make romance cause the most pain, unlike friendships
Elective Singlehood and Investing in Yourself
Drew and Jay discuss choosing to step away from romance, with Drew asking what if she made herself her partner. She encourages single people to enjoy that time rather than waste it.
- •Both made elective choices, Jay for spirituality and Drew for her kids
- •Friends have inspired the biggest changes in her life
- •Jay notes most people spend very little time single between relationships
- •Drew wants to invest in herself the way she has in others
- •Love being single, because you may romanticize it later
Who Do You Want to Be Today: Behavior Mastery
Jay asks who Drew wants to be today. Drew says she wants mastery of her behavior, such as taking a time out, and says she follows friends who are admirable and still fun.
- •A story of a 100-year-old couple advising time outs in a fight
- •Wants to take a breath and walk away rather than react explosively
- •Has 'breathe' tattooed on her wrist
- •Admires the same close friends she has had for decades
- •People you admire don't have to be boring
Trusting Your Gut as a Compass
In closing, Drew and Jay share warm words, and Drew says people who romanticize the head and heart should also pay attention to the gut. She tells her daughters to notice what feels bad as well as what feels good.
- •Her dad said the body is just Tupperware
- •Ancient wisdoms point to the gut for insight, instinct and alarm bells
- •She tells her girls to be equally aware of what doesn't make them feel good
- •The gut is your little compass inside your body

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