DREW BARRYMORE ON: If You STRUGGLE To Find & Keep Real Love, WATCH THIS! | Jay Shetty

Drew Barrymore 0:00 I don't stay stuck and I don't stay depressed.

Jay Shetty 0:02 Yeah, I can tell that.

Drew Barrymore 0:03 I'm almost like, "No, you gotta get over that really fast."

Jay Shetty 0:06 [laughs] Yeah.

Drew Barrymore 0:06 Don't blame people for stuff. Don't stay stuck. Get on with it. Get out of bed. Put one foot in front of the other. Start doing dishes. You'll start feeling better, I promise.

Jay Shetty 0:15 The bestselling author and host. The number one health and wellness podcast. [laughs] On Purpose with Jay Shetty.

Drew Barrymore 0:22 Jay, I think you were one of the, like, very first people who graced us with your presence on our show, you know? Like, we were such a new show, and nobody wanted to talk. It was the height of the pandemic. People really didn't know what to say. I get it. I didn't know what to say. I was like-

Jay Shetty 0:43 [laughs]

Drew Barrymore 0:43 I feel like ironically, isn't the world telling us to be-

Jay Shetty 0:47 Yeah

Drew Barrymore 0:47 ... quiet and listen, and I have to go find my voice right now?

Jay Shetty 0:50 I know.

Drew Barrymore 0:51 Feels very counterintuitive.

Jay Shetty 0:51 You took on a real challenge.

Drew Barrymore 0:53 But you were kind enough, and I, you know, I get it. It's like, I think there was probably, like, what is this show?

Jay Shetty 1:02 [laughs]

Drew Barrymore 1:02 And why would we wanna talk about stuff, you know, right now? Um, but there was also such a need for community at that time, but I just thank you for coming on so early and daring to come on something that we ourselves were literally in establishment mode. We were trying to set it up for success in the way that, like, we wanted it to be something we loved and believed in, but everything was gonna have to be done differently.

Jay Shetty 1:30 Yeah, definitely.

Drew Barrymore 1:32 You know? In 2019 when we were making the show, it was not gonna be that show. But what did we keep? What did we change? How do we pivot? How do we move forward? So thank you-

Jay Shetty 1:42 Oh, no. [laughs]

Drew Barrymore 1:43 ... because it makes a difference when people see you coming on the show. Then they think, "Oh, that's safe. Maybe I'll try that."

Jay Shetty 1:50 Well, no, I mean, I-

Drew Barrymore 1:51 So thank you.

Jay Shetty 1:52 No, I was actually so grateful that you thought of me and invited me, and the team reached out to me. I was so looking forward to connecting with you. I think you just have such a positive presence in everything you do, and your energy radiates. When I met you backstage, I was telling my team, because Paul was here with me last time when we came in person. Helena wasn't, and I was saying to them backstage, I was like, "That interaction we had, had the lights been on backstage [laughs] I would've shared it," because it's such a special interaction. Like, the energy you greeted me with and the warmth that you had for me, I was just like, wow, I feel like I'm meeting a long-lost friend, and it was just such a special moment, and no one got to see that. It was totally behind cameras, but I wanted people to know because that's who you are and that's how you appear to everyone and approach everyone, whether you're backstage or on camera, off camera, wherever you are. And so I saw that before, and I'm so grateful I got to see it in person.

Drew Barrymore 2:42 I think it's also good to be wary of people who are different in different places and rooms, you know? That was always something, like, growing up in the job that I did, um, there was a lot of performative, uh, people, um, who were different in different rooms, and then there were people who were attitudinally, um, different in different rooms. And it was, like, a very interesting juggling act to see, like, why is this person different now i- here as opposed to in the other room, where they, oh, they were performing. They were doing a job. That's why they're different. Why is this person a little different here or there? Oh, it's because of the person.

Jay Shetty 3:24 Mm-hmm.

Drew Barrymore 3:24 Oh, that's interesting. So they don't treat everybody the same. Hmm. Noted. Where are you on? Where are you relaxed? Where are you utterly yourself? Where it... So human behavior was always, like, so fascinating for me 'cause I was trying to gauge, like, what kind of human do I wanna be? So I was always looking at everybody's, you know, actions to sort of put on the sifter, um, of like, what do I wanna keep and what do I want to just go away and fall to the bottom?

Jay Shetty 3:55 How, how early do you think you started to do that? Because I think that that's a skill that we develop over time, and I like what you said, that it's not as simplistic as saying, "Oh, well, that's a bad person." It's like, no, that's their job. They're performing. They're working, and then sometimes it's the person. Sometimes it's the profession. But how early did you start noticing and observing?

Drew Barrymore 4:15 Very early. My mom also was like... I, I started working at 11 months old, but I remember my mom was part of this-

Jay Shetty 4:22 11 months?

Drew Barrymore 4:23 Oh yeah, in a diaper. Not a euphemism. In, literally I started my job in a diaper. It was a commercial, and people thought that, like, E.T. was maybe my first job, but it wasn't by a long shot. I had done a lot of, of TV films, a lot of commercials, and even a feature film. So I felt comfortable at that point when I went into E.T. So I'm, I feel lucky that I was blessed, that I wasn't, like, a quivering lamb in the field. Like, I was always very emboldened as a kid. I, I, I had so much, like, moxie.

Jay Shetty 4:58 Mm.

Drew Barrymore 4:58 I feel like I'm probably a lot more shy, respectful, and cautious now as an adult. When I was a kid, I was so fearless. Um, but I remember my mom was a part of, like, this theater group at, uh, the Lee Strasberg Institute, um, who's a very famous acting teacher. He taught, um, Paul Newman and, um, Marilyn Monroe and, uh, Al Pacino. Uh, they were all a part of, like, his, you know, I wouldn't even know how to put it, but group. Um, and she was doing a play there, and I remember, like, this one woman who would go in the back every night before her play, and she would just lay on the stage in a quiet room and, like, beat her chest and cry out so primal- And that was such an interesting thing to witness as a kid. I was like, "Oh, that's how she does it. Like, that's how she gets herself to be emotional and cry."

Jay Shetty 5:58 Wow.

Drew Barrymore 5:58 Um, so I was always clocking, like, whether it was how to do this job or really I was hyper-aware ever since I can remember about how people treated each other. A lot of cliches is like, ugh, if someone's like rude to a waiter. Like, that was me as an, like, infant. I was so upset and put off by people who weren't nice to everyone. Um, and there were plenty of people in the job that I was in that were a little coddled and, you know. But then I also saw people who you thought wouldn't be shy, because they were a performer, but they were. Um, so I was like, "Well, don't hold that against them. That's just their real personality." Like, I'm thinking I'm gonna get this big, flamboyant, gregarious, you know, loud person, and they're not on right now. They're turned off.

Jay Shetty 6:54 Yeah.

Drew Barrymore 6:54 And who they are is actually this very gentle, quiet soul.

Jay Shetty 6:58 Mm.

Drew Barrymore 6:59 Oh, you're the world's greatest comedian, but you're kinda dark and moody? Okay. That wasn't what I was expecting, nor is it what I want, but I have to accept that's who you are.

Jay Shetty 7:09 [laughs] Yeah.

Drew Barrymore 7:10 Okay, interesting. So you're observing every- everybody, so you can make fun of it all. But if you let people in, you won't be able to. You keep a guard up on purpose.

Jay Shetty 7:20 Mm.

Drew Barrymore 7:21 Understood. So I guess I was just always trying to figure out, like, why people did what they did, but I still to this day, like, cruelty, arrogance, rudeness, short-temperedness is just, I don't have time for it. And even worse, if I am ever guilty of those things, oh my God, I take myself to task probably worse than I would anyone else.

Jay Shetty 7:46 Yeah. That's, it's, it's hard, isn't it? You've reminded me of when, when I was in the monastery, there was one monk who was known for being pretty negative-

Drew Barrymore 7:56 [laughs]

Jay Shetty 7:56 ... and being that way. So he had this reputation where he would always be negative, he'd be rude to people, he'd be, you know, he had exa- what you're kind of describing. Like, there was a bit of arrogance, there was a bit of bravado, there was a bit of rudeness, uh, lack of sensitivity, everything that you're mentioning. And it's really interesting because I, it used to really annoy me because I kind of have a similar trait to you where I don't appreciate someone treating anyone, uh, special or not special or, or good or bad. I-

Drew Barrymore 8:29 Yes

Jay Shetty 8:30 ... and, and I think it's a hard thing to manage when you're a busy individual, so I'm get- guessing in your sense it's very difficult. So I would often complain about him because he was always criticizing, complaining, and comparing. And so I would often complain about him to the other monks. I'd be like, "This guy, like, you know, he's just always doing this."

Drew Barrymore 8:48 What's this monk's deal?

Jay Shetty 8:50 [laughs] Literally, can you imagine? Like, that's literally my question.

Drew Barrymore 8:53 [laughs] I know.

Jay Shetty 8:54 And, and, and, and it was really interesting because there were two sides to this, and I wanna hear your thoughts to this. One thing one of the monks said to me, he, he looked at, he looked at me and he said, "What don't you like about this individual?" And I said, "He's always comparing, complaining, and criticizing." And he said to me, "What are you doing right now?" And I said, "I'm comparing, complaining, and criticizing." [laughs]

Drew Barrymore 9:14 [laughs]

Jay Shetty 9:14 And it was like this, like, moment of, like, I had become who I was mad at. So how did you stop yourself is my question because you're very mindful. You've always... I've seen you, the few moments I've spent with you or whether we've messaged, it's always been wonderful. How did you

Jay Shetty 9:28 stop yourself from letting that pain get so, make you cold or make you harsh to that person also?

Drew Barrymore 9:34 I think it made me more kind and empathetic. And, and you know, I also grew up in a job that's, like, heavy on gossip-

Jay Shetty 9:41 Mm

Drew Barrymore 9:41 ... or can be, and rumor and hearsay and stuff. And I found that in my life, everybody loves an interesting story.

Jay Shetty 9:50 [laughs]

Drew Barrymore 9:51 I mean, we're, all of our ears perk up when we're like, think we're gonna hear something a little, you know, salacious, a little crazy, a little something. It's something to kinda marvel at. But I realize that I, I am not a gossiper.

Jay Shetty 10:05 Mm. Mm.

Drew Barrymore 10:05 You know? Like, I'm more, I'll keep your secrets. Um, and it was sort of the same thing. I grew up, um, a- around a lot of people who also kinda talk trash about people.

Jay Shetty 10:17 Mm.

Drew Barrymore 10:17 And I was like, "I do not wanna be around that nor be that person." So it also made me, like, gravitate towards people who didn't do that.

Jay Shetty 10:28 Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Drew Barrymore 10:29 Um, and it's funny you say 'cause, you know, we get busy and we have a lot of responsibilities, so I can get sort of intense or seemingly short-tempered 'cause I'm tired and I'm trying to kind of-

Jay Shetty 10:42 Of course

Drew Barrymore 10:42 ... barrel through things.

Jay Shetty 10:43 Yeah.

Drew Barrymore 10:43 Like-

Jay Shetty 10:43 Me too.

Drew Barrymore 10:44 You do?

Jay Shetty 10:44 Absolutely. Yeah, for sure.

Drew Barrymore 10:47 Okay, that is so refreshing to hear.

Jay Shetty 10:48 [laughs] 100%. Like, I, ask my wife. [laughs]

Drew Barrymore 10:51 'Cause I was gonna ask-

Jay Shetty 10:51 Have my wife on the show. Ask anything.

Drew Barrymore 10:53 Yeah, I know.

Jay Shetty 10:53 Yeah, yeah.

Drew Barrymore 10:53 I love your wife so much.

Jay Shetty 10:55 Yeah, I know. Yeah.

Drew Barrymore 10:55 I mean, you two were put on this planet, like-

Jay Shetty 10:57 [laughs]

Drew Barrymore 10:57 ... you are Freud's imago theory.

Jay Shetty 10:59 [laughs]

Drew Barrymore 10:59 Like, two people who look alike are drawn to each other in a mirror-like-

Jay Shetty 11:04 Yeah

Drew Barrymore 11:04 ... sort of look in the water, you know, and see your own reflection. A- and not based in narcissism. It's based in-

Jay Shetty 11:11 I hope so

Drew Barrymore 11:11 ... like a familiarity. No, it really, it's a beautiful theory. Um, and no, so in those moments, I, I'm tired, I'm exhausted, I, I seem a little curt, a little short-tempered, a little intense. I would say 99.9% of the time, I never think I'm right-

Jay Shetty 11:31 Mm

Drew Barrymore 11:31 ... for being that way.

Jay Shetty 11:32 Mm.

Drew Barrymore 11:33 And I will find myself maybe justifying here or there, and even as I'm doing it-

Jay Shetty 11:39 [laughs]

Drew Barrymore 11:39 ... I'm like, "You are f- so full of crap right now."

Jay Shetty 11:41 [laughs]

Drew Barrymore 11:42 I really hold myself so critically accountable for wanting to go, "Okay, well then-" You can't take this water back and put it in the bottle. It's spilled all over the floor. So how about next time, try to remember something about this that can be like a trigger so that you can handle it differently. I think so much of my adult life is becoming about the mastery of reaction.

Jay Shetty 12:12 Mm.

Drew Barrymore 12:13 Knowing-

Jay Shetty 12:13 It's beautiful

Drew Barrymore 12:14 ... I'm the only thing I can control. I cannot control. And I work really deeply with this therapist who I, I, I just, I respect. Um, he's honestly one of the smartest individuals I've ever met.

Jay Shetty 12:27 Wow.

Drew Barrymore 12:27 Like, I'm talking like one hand, like, a true voice. And he quit me at one point. Like, that's how, you know, high road this human being is. He doesn't deal in toxicity.

Jay Shetty 12:39 Mm-hmm.

Drew Barrymore 12:39 If you're not getting better, he's not feeding off of that-

Jay Shetty 12:42 Right

Drew Barrymore 12:42 ... and thinking, "Well, this person's gonna stay with me for many years." He's like, "W- our work cannot actually occur here-

Jay Shetty 12:50 Mm-hmm

Drew Barrymore 12:50 ... so I'm gonna step away."

Jay Shetty 12:52 Mm-hmm.

Drew Barrymore 12:52 And I was like, "God, you're good. I love you even more."

Jay Shetty 12:55 [laughs]

Drew Barrymore 12:55 "I respect you so much." And I fought to break a cycle and a pattern that he just after eight years was like, "I, I can't do this anymore."

Jay Shetty 13:07 Mm-hmm.

Drew Barrymore 13:08 And I, it was drinking, and I, when I was about two years, and I'm, I'm not sober, I don't work a program, I have alcohol in my house. Like, I party with my friends. You know, I, so I'm not, when I say I don't drink alcohol, it's just like a one lane choice-

Jay Shetty 13:23 Mm-hmm

Drew Barrymore 13:23 ... of realizing something that didn't work for me.

Jay Shetty 13:25 Mm-hmm.

Drew Barrymore 13:26 I thought I would master my whole life. I don't. I can't. So after I had stopped for about two years, because drinking was like a symptom of many problems, but it was the thing that was not allowing me to get to those next places. I asked him, "Will you please, uh, reconsider taking me back? I've put in two years. I'm not stopping. I'm feeling really good. Um, this isn't for anyone else. It's not for you. It's for me. I know that's what you've always wanted it." If you do things for other people, it's so dangerous.

Jay Shetty 13:58 Mm-hmm.

Drew Barrymore 13:58 They can just take it away. It's a, a burden. [laughs] It's, you know, there's no ownership in doing things for other people when it comes to that really crucial work, um, 'cause you, I love doing things for other people. It's just a matter of... And I think I'm a total codependent. Like, with my kids, like, yeah, they're my whole source of life, joy, happiness, and, you know, motivation. So be it, I'm a codependent. Who cares? Like, but I'm also my own individual. They're their own individuals. And we've gotta take care of our side of the street. So I asked could we go back to working together, and, uh, we did, and now we're doing the best work we've done in 10 years.

Jay Shetty 14:45 Wow.

Drew Barrymore 14:45 And a lot of the work I do with Barry now, so much of this word comes up, which is inner.

Jay Shetty 14:52 Mm.

Drew Barrymore 14:53 And that's not something, even though I think I was really in touch with spirituality when I was a teenager, it was so much a part of, like, my salvation and raising myself and getting emancipated at 14 and living on my own and being an adult my whole life and not having any semblance of, like, what society says kids are supposed to do with, like, go to bed on time, go to school, like, eat a balanced meal, all that stuff. Like, I just didn't have that in my universe. Um, but I love when Barry uses the word inner. Um, this rich inner life I'm trying to build, that is the place in which I can tap into reaction, um, processing, control, all of those things. It's like there's really kind of only one place that that truly can take place, and it's the inner world.

Jay Shetty 15:46 Mm.

Drew Barrymore 15:47 And I have spent my life being an extrovert and going outwards, and that can be being a love junkie or being someone who loves to be playful and call it perform or just put myself out there, or affection or jokes and humor or my love of human beings. Like, it's all out, out, out, and this is the first time that I feel like I'm really much more excited and ready to do this inner work. And it's cool 'cause it is, it is the place where you can do so much more because all, a lot of those things you wanna do with the outside world-

Jay Shetty 16:33 Mm-hmm

Drew Barrymore 16:33 ... are not really possible, are not really attainable. Like, control. [laughs] Like, you know-

Jay Shetty 16:40 [laughs]

Drew Barrymore 16:41 ... changing the way things are or-

Jay Shetty 16:43 Yeah

Drew Barrymore 16:43 ... someone out there or a situation or the world at large. These things are not controllable. But inside your world, inside your inner self, there's much to be done.

Jay Shetty 16:55 Yeah. But it sounds like with this overanalyzing, reflective self-mastery work that you're doing, it sounds like at the same time as that, there's also a sense of self-forgiveness to be able to move on, especially from knowing that as a child, A, you wouldn't have known about the inner in that depth. You wouldn't have had the tools. You were exposed to things as a child that 99% of children wouldn't be exposed to. So they've, also sen- seems to be a sense of forgiveness for today and also forgiveness for that time. Is that-

Drew Barrymore 17:30 And I-

Jay Shetty 17:30 How would you see that?

Drew Barrymore 17:30 You know, it's funny 'cause I do think a lot of kids go through just crazy stuff, you know?

Jay Shetty 17:36 Absolutely, yeah.

Drew Barrymore 17:37 When I was in an institution for two years that my mom put me in, it was- It was an adult ward too, but it was also a kid ward. So all these other kids I was in with, I was like, "Well, they're going through it too."

Jay Shetty 17:49 Mm.

Drew Barrymore 17:50 Whatever their roads, you know, took them to, you know, self-destruction or abuse of a substance or hurting themselves or being out of control to the point where their parents didn't know what to do with them, um, a lot of that is usually cries for help and probably not their fault always.

Jay Shetty 18:09 Yes, of course.

Drew Barrymore 18:10 Um, but I was like, "Well, I guess I'm not alone in, you know, trying to... You know, I'm, I'm not the only one who are experiencing what we see as extraordinary circumstances," especially at a young age. They're heightened, and they seem wilder to adults. [gasps] "You're 14 or 13, and you're doing these things?"

Jay Shetty 18:29 Yeah.

Drew Barrymore 18:29 Like, oh, if you were in your 20s, I guess that'd be more normal.

Jay Shetty 18:33 Wow, that's such a good point. Yeah, I've never thought about it like that. Yeah, that's a great point.

Drew Barrymore 18:35 And then I think about kids who are, you know, challenged economically or are trying to get, you know, in somewhere-

Jay Shetty 18:46 Mm

Drew Barrymore 18:46 ... or they have to take care of their families-

Jay Shetty 18:48 Mm-hmm

Drew Barrymore 18:48 ... or they're latchkey kids, or they're trying to get into this country, or they're, you know, doing things that, like, again, once again, we're saying, "Oh, this is not what children are supposed to do." So I'm, like, convinced that I'm one of many that just kind of had stuff to deal with-

Jay Shetty 19:08 Yeah

Drew Barrymore 19:08 ... that we wish ideally kids didn't have to deal with, but a lot of them are.

Jay Shetty 19:12 Yes.

Drew Barrymore 19:13 I just was never taught, like, what forgiveness was of myself, but I've learned along the way far ahead of self-forgiveness, 'cause this is a very new concept for me, so it's super fresh. It's like an open wound, [laughs] and it is not sewed up shut yet by any means. I need stitches-

Jay Shetty 19:31 [laughs]

Drew Barrymore 19:32 ... and some isopropyl. Like, I'm working on it.

Jay Shetty 19:35 [laughs]

Drew Barrymore 19:36 But I always was forgiving of other people. I didn't... I grew up in a very unjudgmental landscape, you know? Like, for better or worse, Hollywood is real open-minded.

Jay Shetty 19:48 Mm.

Drew Barrymore 19:49 It's real liberal, and I don't mean politically. I just mean, like, artistic people are kind of like a live and let live group, which is super cool, and that was great growing up. I was like, "Oh, so we can just kind of let people be... Oh, okay."

Jay Shetty 20:01 [laughs]

Drew Barrymore 20:01 Like, cool.

Jay Shetty 20:02 [laughs]

Drew Barrymore 20:03 Um, they're not wrong for being that way. They're just eccentric-

Jay Shetty 20:06 Mm-hmm

Drew Barrymore 20:06 ... or that's their lifestyle choice, or that's their orientation or whatever. It was great to grow up that way. I, I was always forgiving of other people and, like, open-minded for, like, whoever they are. I realized later in life that it turns out that I thought forgiveness was a gift to someone else. You forgiving them was giving them a gift. I suppose it is. I never knew that there is a, an irony of all ironies of that you are finally liberated, and you can't forgive to get to the liberation 'cause it's fake, and you don't get the reward.

Jay Shetty 20:46 Mm-hmm.

Drew Barrymore 20:46 You have to truly-

Jay Shetty 20:48 Wow

Drew Barrymore 20:48 ... literally go-

Jay Shetty 20:49 Yes, yes

Drew Barrymore 20:49 ... I, with every part of me, authentically and without wanting anything in return, I'm not even thinking about myself. I just forgive.

Jay Shetty 20:59 Mm-hmm.

Drew Barrymore 20:59 I forgive you. I forgive this. Then all of a sudden, you're like, oh, no, and now I feel really good. How weird.

Jay Shetty 21:07 [laughs]

Drew Barrymore 21:08 But if I've ever tried to forgive something to feel better, it doesn't work. That's not-

Jay Shetty 21:11 Yeah, it doesn't work.

Drew Barrymore 21:12 Nope.

Jay Shetty 21:12 Yeah, it's not a technique.

Drew Barrymore 21:13 Nope.

Jay Shetty 21:13 It's not a button.

Drew Barrymore 21:14 It's-

Jay Shetty 21:14 Yeah.

Drew Barrymore 21:15 No, it's not a technique.

Jay Shetty 21:16 Yeah.

Drew Barrymore 21:16 It's this true... I also found the ultimate form of liberation is change.

Jay Shetty 21:21 Mm.

Drew Barrymore 21:22 When you... Like, stopping drinking for me. And again, not sober. Like, don't-

Jay Shetty 21:29 Yeah

Drew Barrymore 21:29 ... that's not it.

Jay Shetty 21:30 Yeah.

Drew Barrymore 21:30 I just don't drink.

Jay Shetty 21:31 Yeah.

Drew Barrymore 21:31 It's the only thing that's, you would, that's my lifestyle choice.

Jay Shetty 21:35 Yeah.

Drew Barrymore 21:35 I was so held back by this one thing my entire life that I swore I would master, that why wouldn't I be convinced of, that I'm, I'm not capable of change?

Jay Shetty 21:47 Mm.

Drew Barrymore 21:47 Because I couldn't change it.

Jay Shetty 21:48 Yeah.

Drew Barrymore 21:49 So I'm just a failure in my inner voice and narrative. My only evidence in front of me is you're not capable of change 'cause you haven't changed this thing. And then once I did, it was like, finally I believe that I'm-

Jay Shetty 22:04 Yeah

Drew Barrymore 22:04 ... capable of change. And that's, you know, these things are symptoms. They're not the only problem. You can't, like, stop something that isn't working for you, and everything else falls into place. There's a lot of work around it that has to be done. And Barry's point wasn't like, "If you stop drinking, all your problems are gonna go away."

Jay Shetty 22:23 No.

Drew Barrymore 22:23 He's like, "We just can't get to the work 'cause this shame and guilt and, like, pattern is just, is gonna prevent us from getting to the next level, so I'm out." And I was just like, "God, I love this so much," and I knew he was right.

Jay Shetty 22:39 Yeah. Your therapist quitting on you is pretty, that's pretty inspiring for you.

Drew Barrymore 22:43 I know-

Jay Shetty 22:43 Yeah [laughs]

Drew Barrymore 22:43 ... 'cause most therapists are like, "Oh, you're still broken? Fantastic. I'll see you next week."

Jay Shetty 22:48 Yeah.

Drew Barrymore 22:48 "I'm, I still have a job." And so I think if you're seeking guidance-

Jay Shetty 22:54 Mm-hmm

Drew Barrymore 22:54 ... wisdom, therapy, spiritual leadership, whatever you are seeking out in this world, if you sense that person s- continues to feed and not help you grow and is fine with you staying in the same place, I don't think that's a good sign.

Jay Shetty 23:11 Yeah. But I, I love that emphasis you're placing that it wasn't ever about the external change. It wasn't just about, oh, if you stop drinking alcohol, then all your problems are solved. It was going on this inner journey for you. And I, I wonder when you're doing this, you's brought up two really important things. You brought up shame and guilt, and I think shame and guilt, deep down, whether you meet someone who seems confident or whether you meet someone who's insecure, shame and guilt are right there, right? Even when someone feels confident or is, is acting confident, often there's a shame and guilt of some part of them they're trying to hide. And if someone's feeling insecure- It's because they shame and guilt themselves.

Jay Shetty 23:50 Walk us through a bit about how those two were these bad friends of yours for a while, and then you were eventually able to let them go.

Drew Barrymore 23:58 I'm just letting them go, e- especially [sighs] with stuff with my mom. Um, you know, I just, I think most people idealize this sort of nuclear family, and I just have felt pain and guilt and shame my whole life that that wasn't our story, our e- our life experience. Um, it hurts me to know that, like, there is pain there for her, for me. It just destroys me. So I'm, I'm working on that, um, because I'm like, "I'm 47. I can't... I don't mean to be morbid, but I don't wanna die carrying this with me." Like, I, I will shift this. It's time. It's been long enough. [laughs]

Jay Shetty 24:42 Yeah.

Drew Barrymore 24:43 I've put enough time in. So I'm working on that with Barry right now, and I'm making some really good strides, and it's really hard, you know? I, I think these things are not easy. I, I felt a lot of guilt and shame around drinking 'cause, like, a lot of my sort of least desirable experiences had probably something to do with me being drunk.

Jay Shetty 25:04 Mm. [laughs]

Drew Barrymore 25:05 You know? So I'm like, amazing that you would keep doing something that, like, doesn't serve you.

Jay Shetty 25:10 Yeah.

Drew Barrymore 25:11 Um, I felt pain and guilt and shame every time I did feel like I acted in a way that wasn't as gracious and patient as I wish I could always be.

Jay Shetty 25:23 Mm-hmm.

Drew Barrymore 25:24 Um, these are really go-to, overly available emotions that I am just like, I can't be nearing 50 and still function like this.

Jay Shetty 25:37 Mm-hmm.

Drew Barrymore 25:37 So, like, you know, it's like kicking out bad roommates.

Jay Shetty 25:41 Yeah.

Drew Barrymore 25:41 You're just like, "Guess what? You are a sloppy, horrible person. You have bad energy. You're negative. You're messy. And, like, I can't live with you anymore."

Jay Shetty 25:51 Mm-hmm.

Drew Barrymore 25:51 Like, I wanna get my own place-

Jay Shetty 25:53 [laughs]

Drew Barrymore 25:53 ... and keep it tidy.

Jay Shetty 25:55 [laughs]

Drew Barrymore 25:55 And Jesus, like, how have I managed to put up with this for so long?

Jay Shetty 25:59 Yeah.

Drew Barrymore 26:00 It's like that's how I feel inside my body.

Jay Shetty 26:03 Yeah.

Drew Barrymore 26:03 And shame and guilt are roommates I've had my whole life that I totally resent and, like, wish I could just give an eviction notice to.

Jay Shetty 26:11 [laughs]

Drew Barrymore 26:12 And I'm starting to, like, grow a pair and actually really take charge 'cause I think I know, like, I, I'm running out of time.

Jay Shetty 26:22 Mm.

Drew Barrymore 26:22 Like, we don't live forever, and nobody wants to think about death or dying, but it's an inevitability that we all share in common, and we really don't even know actually when it's coming. So there's a part of me that's just like, "I can't do this anymore."

Jay Shetty 26:38 Mm-hmm.

Drew Barrymore 26:38 I'm fatigued. I'm exhausted. I'm desperate to know what the other side of this feels like. You know, we used to love 45 records, and always the popular hit song was on the A side.

Jay Shetty 26:49 [laughs]

Drew Barrymore 26:50 And then we would play the B side and be like, "This song's actually awesome."

Jay Shetty 26:53 Yeah.

Drew Barrymore 26:54 I'm like, "What is the B side of my life?"

Jay Shetty 26:56 Mm.

Drew Barrymore 26:56 What is the life that isn't so corroded with self-loathing, guilt, shame, beating up on myself all the time? People are like, "You seem so positive." I'm like, "You have no idea what I'm dealing with-

Jay Shetty 27:09 Mm-hmm

Drew Barrymore 27:09 ... on the inside."

Jay Shetty 27:09 Mm-hmm.

Drew Barrymore 27:09 It's so hard and heavy some days.

Jay Shetty 27:13 Mm-hmm.

Drew Barrymore 27:14 Um, but one thing that's, I do, I, I'm, I am glad is I don't stay stuck and I don't stay depressed.

Jay Shetty 27:21 Yeah, I can tell that. You, I can, I can hear that in what you're saying and how you're saying it.

Drew Barrymore 27:25 I'm almost like, "No, you gotta get over that really fast."

Jay Shetty 27:28 [laughs] Yeah.

Drew Barrymore 27:28 Don't blame people for stuff. Don't stay stuck. Get on with it. Get out of bed. Put one foot in front of the other. Start doing dishes. You'll start feeling better, I promise.

Jay Shetty 27:38 [laughs]

Drew Barrymore 27:38 Like, cleaning is a very spiritual act. And-

Jay Shetty 27:41 Yeah

Drew Barrymore 27:41 ... put on a song and, like, all of a sudden you'll be shaking your butt and-

Jay Shetty 27:45 Yeah

Drew Barrymore 27:45 ... like, moving your body and, like-

Jay Shetty 27:47 Or jump in the rain or-

Drew Barrymore 27:48 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 27:48 [laughs]

Drew Barrymore 27:48 Endorphins will start to come. So I've had these fantasies of being Greta Garbo in my bed and my friends tending to my bedside or talking on the side on the phone, like, "Ooh, we're really worried about her." You know, it just doesn't happen 'cause it's just like, I, I just am like, "Oh, God," like, except for funny enough with my drinking. My friends did do that.

Jay Shetty 28:09 Yeah.

Drew Barrymore 28:09 They were like, "We gotta, we gotta get in there-

Jay Shetty 28:11 Gotta get up

Drew Barrymore 28:11 ... and be honest with her," and that's true friends. Friends who kick your butt and hold up mirrors to you-

Jay Shetty 28:17 Mm-hmm

Drew Barrymore 28:17 ... or tell you when they don't like what they see or want you to see your reflection and feel good about it. That's true friendship. I'm all in for tough love. So I, I've been... You know, when I was in the institution when I was 13, they assigned me a therapist, Dr. George Blair. I'll never forget. Um, and they had these groups, um, a couple nights a week where they would invite all the families in, and they would put someone in the circle, and they would talk to their family-

Jay Shetty 28:46 Wow

Drew Barrymore 28:46 ... very openly about what led to this crazy place we were all in, and it wasn't, like, a rehabilitation center. It was a full-blown, like, institution.

Jay Shetty 28:57 Right.

Drew Barrymore 28:57 It was very hardcore.

Jay Shetty 28:58 Mm-hmm.

Drew Barrymore 28:58 It was much more One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. It wasn't like Promises in Malibu.

Jay Shetty 29:03 Got it. [laughs]

Drew Barrymore 29:03 This was, like, real deal North Valley, like, two years of you're locked in there. This is not a place you're allowed to leave. If you try to leave, they will deal with you accordingly, and it's not pretty. So but what, what they would do is they would have these families sit around in a circle, and they would e- encourage. Um, there was no force, but it was sort of, you know, it was mandatory.

Jay Shetty 29:27 Mm-hmm.

Drew Barrymore 29:28 They would sit that person down, and they would sit them, uh, uh, across from their family, and then all the families would sit around, and they would talk honestly about what led to them being here, what was missing, what wasn't working with their family. There was sort of, like, you know, non-aggressive confrontation about, like, you know, the parents were just as accountable as the kids. Um, it was incredible

Jay Shetty 29:56 Wow

Drew Barrymore 29:56 And it, it shaped my life forever. It wasn't like, you know, we're all performers and we put it all out there. Like, that wasn't what did it.

Jay Shetty 30:06 Yeah.

Drew Barrymore 30:07 I am witnessing when you don't sweep things under the carpet, when you do not let them rot and start to stink, when you are willing to be brave and put it out there and discuss it out in the open, it wasn't even in front of others, it was just to find your voice and talk directly to that person, it forever formed me. It's like that was such an important life journey that would color my path for the rest of my life. And weirdly, when I found out this show might actually happen in 2019, I was like, not only of someone who's been sitting on the other side of an interview chair my whole life, and you kinda get fatigue on those same questions, like, I was like, "What if this could weirdly be [laughs] a little like-

Jay Shetty 30:58 [laughs]

Drew Barrymore 30:59 ... that group night that we would have-

Jay Shetty 31:01 Yeah

Drew Barrymore 31:01 ... a couple times a week where we just sit in some chairs in a group of people and talk-

Jay Shetty 31:08 [laughs]

Drew Barrymore 31:09 ... and we keep it real?" And a lot of it was really funny.

Jay Shetty 31:12 Yeah.

Drew Barrymore 31:12 People laughed. It was heart-wrenching. It was emotional. It was humorous. It was insightful. It was raw. And I think I'm really having an aha moment or an epiphany right now 'cause I'm like, "Am I running this show the way we did in those rooms?"

Jay Shetty 31:28 [laughs]

Drew Barrymore 31:28 Like, it just was really cool to find out that talking it out and being brave to tell your truths was a good thing.

Jay Shetty 31:38 Mm. Those sound like some of the most special skills and tools that every one of us could use so early on, and the fact that you feel you're still using them after all this time is pretty remarkable.

Drew Barrymore 31:51 I have not associated the two until this moment.

Jay Shetty 31:54 Mm.

Drew Barrymore 31:54 But I wasn't necessarily getting it from my job growing up. That wasn't, um, as much as it was a, like, have all your emotions available, it was very structured in the work, um, and it was very spontaneous and creative and free, but it was for a purpose, and if anything, you were kind of pretending to be a different person, but, like, pulling on your real emotions. I had never experienced up until that point anything like it, and I've definitely conducted myself my whole life since I got out of there as if I still go to those group nights. Like, I wanna put it out there. I wanna, I wanna encourage other people to not sit on things, but discuss it, um, be bold, um, and not afraid of what other people are thinking and feeling when they're digesting your sort of deepest stuff.

Jay Shetty 32:46 Mm-hmm.

Drew Barrymore 32:47 Letting out secrets can be really liberating, and I still feel like I have plenty, and I'm just now, like, willing to even look at some. Like, secrets and, and being afraid of what people are gonna think is, is not good. It's not good at all.

Jay Shetty 33:08 What do you think was what made it safe? Because I feel like that's what it is. We think that environments need to be loving or they need to be caring, but really it's a sense of safety that we're looking for. What made it feel safe?

Drew Barrymore 33:21 The truth. The truth and the honesty and the lack of judgment, it, that's what made it safe, that people weren't gonna ... Nobody alienated each other. No one treated each other less than. We went on business as usual. We felt like we knew each other better. We were in an environment where people literally, like, kind of if you wanted to talk about it, you could. If you didn't, you didn't have to. But, like, nobody made each other feel bad. So I think truth and not feeling judged or is, is what leads, leads to safety.

Jay Shetty 33:56 Mm.

Drew Barrymore 33:56 Um, one of the things that Barry talked to me about, and I'll apply it to this also, is if you're, if you're not feeling safe, how can you make yourself feel safe?

Jay Shetty 34:06 Mm-hmm.

Drew Barrymore 34:07 If, if you're not getting that from others, how do you make it okay for you? And I went on a date with this guy. I thought it was the best date. I mean, it really was. It was, like, so good. And I, we made a plan for that weekend, and we were texting back and forth, and it was so cute, and I was like, "And I really liked him." I was like, "What a nice guy." He's a ... I was attracted to him. I loved his job because he was, you know, um, in the news business, and, like, I love news, and I'm like, "Oh my God, this is so cool." I never heard from him again. Like, I guess that's what you call getting ghosted. I, I was like, whoa, that is so, oh, wow, it's so weird. Um, okay. And I was talking to Barry, and there's this Sex and the City where this boyfriend of hers named Jack Berger, um, breaks up with her on a Post-it Note, and it became this pop culture phenomenon.

Jay Shetty 35:03 Yeah. Yeah.

Drew Barrymore 35:04 And the Post-it Note reads, "I'm sorry. I can't. Don't hate me."

Jay Shetty 35:09 Mm-hmm.

Drew Barrymore 35:10 Now, we all took that and ran with it. The line was, "I, this cannot be the day I get broken up with on a Post-it," so they have this whole crazy adventure. But all of, like, pop culture and society was like, "This is the worst thing ever." I'm like, Barry, that is the most giving thing that I could ever ask for in modern society, being a single girl. I swear to God, that's, "I'm sorry." Okay, great. "I can't." Thank you. Now I know where you're at.

Jay Shetty 35:47 Mm-hmm.

Drew Barrymore 35:47 I know to move on. This is so informative that I appreciate the gracefulness and the graciousness of you, like, just telling me there's no there there.

Jay Shetty 35:58 Mm-hmm.

Drew Barrymore 35:58 And don't hate me. Okay, I get it.

Jay Shetty 36:01 [laughs]

Drew Barrymore 36:01 You're being self-effacing.

Jay Shetty 36:02 [laughs]

Drew Barrymore 36:03 You know this is maybe not kosher, but that's okay because it's your truth.

Jay Shetty 36:07 Yeah.

Drew Barrymore 36:08 You cannot be- We can't be mad at people 'cause they're not what we want them to be. And I was like, "I just wish I could get that Jack Burger Post-It note, Barry."

Jay Shetty 36:19 [laughs]

Drew Barrymore 36:21 And he goes, "Well, you can write it to yourself."

Jay Shetty 36:23 Yes.

Drew Barrymore 36:24 And I literally-

Jay Shetty 36:26 Yes

Drew Barrymore 36:26 ... was like, "Barry, you just took out all the frustration, anxiety, uncertainty, unfinished business, lack of control, helplessness I feel. I feel good. I feel empowered. I feel like I wanna get on a bullhorn and share this wisdom."

Jay Shetty 36:44 [laughs]

Drew Barrymore 36:45 Maybe this is a start.

Jay Shetty 36:45 Which is what you're doing, yeah. [laughs]

Drew Barrymore 36:47 It's like, oh my God, it was the biggest gift I could have gotten. So I think we can apply that to a lot of things. It's like, I'm not feeling safe right now because I just told my truth. Okay, then maybe you can tell yourself-

Jay Shetty 37:02 Mm

Drew Barrymore 37:03 ... why it was a good thing, why you are safe, that there will not be consequences that are unsurvivable that come out of this scenario, and help yourself off the ledge by giving and fulfilling for yourself what we normally just tend to automatically look outward and to others for.

Jay Shetty 37:23 I think what you just said right now is not only great for someone who's receiving that type of note, but it's also important for someone who often postpones that note. So we know so many people that are in a relationship that don't want to be in it, but they don't wanna be seen as the bad person, so they'll let it stay on for another six months, another 12 months, another 18 months.

Drew Barrymore 37:47 And those people are in a prison.

Jay Shetty 37:49 Correct.

Drew Barrymore 37:49 They're in a horrible jail that they have put themselves in by not dealing with it. I have a question for you.

Jay Shetty 37:56 Yeah.

Drew Barrymore 37:57 Okay. [laughs]

Drew Barrymore 37:59 How do you tell people to receive love? I think I'm really good at giving it. I'm great at giving it to my daughters and to my friends, but I've noticed how much of, like, my history with the romantic space, I am so stuck, and I'm the person who doesn't wanna be stuck. And I don't care necessarily what others do or what happens. I wanna know what work I could do to take my walls down, believe, and trust, 'cause I am really trying to figure that out right now. I've sort of told myself I'm okay, I'm fine. I'm lucky I have two kids, so I, if it comes to... And I have these amazing friends, and I have these beautiful coworkers. My cup really runneth over to the point where, like, I don't feel like I need love. I've, I, I'm, I'm abundant. I swear to God, I'm still scared or nervous, or I don't have any information that shows me that that's a safe space. So how do I do that? [laughs]

Jay Shetty 39:30 Yeah. I wanna get you some tissues. [laughs]

Drew Barrymore 39:31 No pressure.

Jay Shetty 39:32 No. [laughs]

Drew Barrymore 39:33 Thanks.

Jay Shetty 39:33 Well, my, well, my first answer's gonna be, I have two, two things. One thing was, what would Barry say?

Drew Barrymore 39:38 [laughs]

Jay Shetty 39:39 [laughs] It seems like he's-

Drew Barrymore 39:40 Isn't he awesome?

Jay Shetty 39:41 He's on a, yeah, he's on a roll right now.

Drew Barrymore 39:43 [laughs]

Jay Shetty 39:43 I'm like, we should go to Barry. Like, Barry, can we call you in and, like, dial you in right now? Uh, I wanna meet you. But no, genuinely, like, what would he say? I think obviously, I'm sure he's shared some beautiful wisdom and insight with you. A few things come to mind. The first thing is I think that we've placed romantic love, and I'm probably, people may not agree with this, but I just want everyone to sit with this for a second, and I really do believe that this is something y- you'll appreciate or you'll be able to receive. I really do believe that. And if anyone else doesn't, please sleep on it. Please think about it. I really do believe that we have placed romantic love on the pedestal and the number one position podium of love. And so since we were born and raised, we've been told that finding the one is the ultimate expression and experience of love. And what's really fascinating is that if you look at any of the wisdom traditions, they don't feel that way. All the wisdom traditions would suggest that the love that you have for your coworkers, your friends, your family, the stranger on the street, the person driving the car, the, uh, person that you just bumped into at the grocery store or the coffee shop, like, the love that you can embody and experience and share with that person and receive from that person, that love that you can share with anyone and everyone you meet, that is actually the ultimate expression of love. And so what you just said, that you're great at giving love to everyone, you have this beautiful full cup around you, but it's the wiring that's been put into our minds that without this we are incomplete, unfulfilled, and undeserving. And so I'm not saying that as a way of saying to people you don't need to find someone to love. I'm just saying that don't ever let that be it. Uh, there's, there's so much more to what love truly is. And so we've gotta change our order of what's love, you know? You look at the wisdom traditions and they'll say the closest thing to unconditional love is a mother's love for her child.

Drew Barrymore 41:52 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 41:53 Like, that is, like, the closest thing to real unconditional love. Like, it's not talking about a love between two people who romantically got involved. Like, that's beautiful. I'm not saying it's not beautiful. I'm just saying it's not it.

Drew Barrymore 42:06 I, I think it's, okay, first of all, your answer is exactly what I was meant to hear, because I do feel that pressure. Like, it's funny how- I've been single for almost seven years, and it's been some of the happiest years of my life. I feel so fulfilled that I'm almost, like, my walls are about fear of someone coming in and, like, tearing up the joint, you know? Like, I don't know if I'm-

Jay Shetty 42:39 [laughs] That's fair

Drew Barrymore 42:40 ... ready for someone to rock the boat of the goodness of the balance of the life I've ended up creating with my daughters, my friends, my coworkers.

Jay Shetty 42:50 Mm-hmm.

Drew Barrymore 42:51 When it didn't work out with their dad, that was a, a, a, a thing that took me many years to recover from, 'cause I so wanted the nuclear family. It turns out we are literally having the next best thing, or maybe even the plan that was in place all along-

Jay Shetty 43:07 Yeah

Drew Barrymore 43:07 ... that we have. We're so close. I love his wife so much. My children and I literally, our step-mother Ally, I call her our step-mother.

Jay Shetty 43:16 [laughs]

Drew Barrymore 43:17 You know, like-

Jay Shetty 43:18 I love that

Drew Barrymore 43:18 ... she is the greatest. His mom and dad are Grammy and Poppy. I'm so close with them. His sister is one of my best friends, my children's aunt, and the mother of our three silly cousins. Like, I never dreamt I'd have this big and beautiful of a family.

Jay Shetty 43:36 Mm, mm.

Drew Barrymore 43:36 There's just not a legal marriage there.

Jay Shetty 43:38 Mm-hmm.

Drew Barrymore 43:39 But there's every single thing, uh, else there. And since that stopped, I've just been okay.

Jay Shetty 43:45 Mm.

Drew Barrymore 43:46 And I think it is a lot of societal pressure. And the reason I got so emotional asking you is because you're a monk and probably had set yourself up for the idea that you might not experience that. And I have probably given myself now, and you have a beautiful marriage, um, I, I have probably told myself a narrative of, "You will not have that kind of love." But it doesn't mean that I feel any less fulfilled, but I'm in a mindset of, "Oh, that particular type of love is not available to you."

Jay Shetty 44:25 Yeah.

Drew Barrymore 44:25 So I asked you of all people because you probably had that narrative in your head yourself-

Jay Shetty 44:33 Yeah

Drew Barrymore 44:33 ... at some point.

Jay Shetty 44:33 Yeah, definitely. I mean, that's-

Drew Barrymore 44:35 And I couldn't agree more with you. Like, that needs to be on billboards and, like, really a, a, a, a much more common, confident understanding of love is love. Which is the best kind, or the most important kind, or the one you think you're supposed to have, that is not the point.

Jay Shetty 44:58 Mm-hmm.

Drew Barrymore 44:59 And boy, I knew I should ask you, and I just got the most-

Jay Shetty 45:02 No

Drew Barrymore 45:02 ... satisfactory answer.

Jay Shetty 45:04 I, I've probably never verbalized that answer to anyone else either in, in this sort of forum, because I, I genuinely believed when you asked me that question that, you know, obviously knowing that all types of love are available to everyone is an important thing. That's, that's a separate thing to focus on. But I think the hierarchy that we've placed on love is what's distorting our vision of what we need.

Drew Barrymore 45:26 And it follows you forever.

Jay Shetty 45:27 Forever.

Drew Barrymore 45:28 I didn't have a relationship with my dad. He left before I was born. That, that, I accepted that.

Jay Shetty 45:35 Mm-hmm.

Drew Barrymore 45:35 You know? But, like, another woman will be like, "I'm 45 and not married," or this or that, and it's like the society allows that to really haunt you in a different way than, well, when it comes to love and a man, my father and I didn't have that. But we moved forward, or maybe it holds us back spiritually or emotionally, but not societally.

Jay Shetty 45:57 Yeah.

Drew Barrymore 45:57 You're right. We have put that romantic love on a pedestal that seems to, like, if you don't have that kind of love, it diminishes the other kinds of loves, which can be-

Jay Shetty 46:10 Absolutely

Drew Barrymore 46:10 ... not only as equally fulfilling and satisfying. Gosh, that, it w- I really is ... Well, that's society's problem-

Jay Shetty 46:18 [laughs]

Drew Barrymore 46:19 ... not our problem.

Jay Shetty 46:20 Yeah. I know people who love their work but feel incomplete without that. I know people who love their children but feel incomplete without that. I know people who have the love of their entire tribe and community but feel incomplete without that because of the way it's been portrayed. And I think that when you also put something on a pedestal like that, your expectations of that also go up, and that's no reason [laughs] why that one causes us the most pain, because we also have more expectations of that partner than we do of our kids, of our parents, of our friends, of our family-

Drew Barrymore 46:51 I-

Jay Shetty 46:51 ... because of that pedestal too, so-

Drew Barrymore 46:53 I can't agree more. I also-

Jay Shetty 46:54 So complex

Drew Barrymore 46:54 ... like, I think it's bananas the way that people are so affected by the person they're in a, you know, romantic relationship with. I always compare it to, well, you wouldn't be so upset if your friend did that.

Jay Shetty 47:06 Yeah. Yes, exactly.

Drew Barrymore 47:07 Like, you'd just be direct-

Jay Shetty 47:09 [laughs]

Drew Barrymore 47:09 ... and you'd figure it out, and you'd fix it.

Jay Shetty 47:10 Yeah.

Drew Barrymore 47:10 And you wouldn't take it so personally and flip out and have built up all these resentments. Like, friends have a delicate relationship in a garden you still have to tend to, but-

Jay Shetty 47:21 Absolutely

Drew Barrymore 47:22 ... the reactions are way less heated.

Jay Shetty 47:25 [laughs]

Drew Barrymore 47:26 Why is it that the minute sexual stuff is involved-

Jay Shetty 47:30 Yeah

Drew Barrymore 47:30 ... we literally, like, flip out?

Jay Shetty 47:32 Yeah.

Drew Barrymore 47:32 Like, what is going on?

Jay Shetty 47:34 Yeah.

Drew Barrymore 47:35 Oh, my God.

Jay Shetty 47:35 That's it. We-

Drew Barrymore 47:36 That I've always been aware of.

Jay Shetty 47:37 Yeah.

Drew Barrymore 47:38 I'm like, I really just wish I could have-

Jay Shetty 47:39 [laughs]

Drew Barrymore 47:39 ... a relationship like I do with my friends, 'cause they're not so flipped out all the time.

Jay Shetty 47:44 Yeah. Yeah, definitely.

Drew Barrymore 47:45 Like, we just deal. Like-

Jay Shetty 47:46 We just deal. [laughs]

Drew Barrymore 47:47 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 47:48 I'm so glad you asked me that, and thank you for opening up so much. But I was wondering that-

Drew Barrymore 47:52 Well, 'cause I knew that you had probably also believed that this was not gonna be available to you li- in life, and that is the place I've been in for the last seven years.

Jay Shetty 48:01 Yeah.

Drew Barrymore 48:02 But mine was elective and yours was elective.

Jay Shetty 48:04 Yes, absolutely.

Drew Barrymore 48:05 So I was like, who better-

Jay Shetty 48:06 [laughs]

Drew Barrymore 48:07 ... to ask this question to-

Jay Shetty 48:09 Yeah

Drew Barrymore 48:09 ... than someone who had purposefully- ... shut themselves off to this in service of, you know, for you it was your spirituality, your religion.

Jay Shetty 48:20 Mm.

Drew Barrymore 48:20 For me, it was for my kids.

Jay Shetty 48:21 Yes.

Drew Barrymore 48:22 But again, I'm not codependent on them.

Jay Shetty 48:24 No.

Drew Barrymore 48:24 Like, I'm so aware of like how much that would screw everything up, them, me, all of it. But they do inspire me-

Jay Shetty 48:33 Mm-hmm

Drew Barrymore 48:33 ... to be my best self.

Jay Shetty 48:34 Yes.

Drew Barrymore 48:34 No one's come along, no romantic partner, no one ever. My friends are the closest second-

Jay Shetty 48:41 Mm-hmm

Drew Barrymore 48:41 ... but they are the people that have come into my life that have truly encouraged, forced, and inspired the greatest change I've done in my life.

Jay Shetty 48:52 Yes. And I think when it's elective and it's not suppressed or repressed or it's not done-

Drew Barrymore 48:57 Demanded

Jay Shetty 48:57 ... demanded. When it's done in that way, it can be really, really powerful because you get to... It's almost like if everyone had a period of their life, I mean, I, I often ask this question to people that I work with or clients that I coach, and it's that, I mean,

Jay Shetty 49:13 I started dating when I was 14 probably, like dating. I don't know how old you were when you started dating.

Drew Barrymore 49:18 My first boyfriend-

Jay Shetty 49:20 Yeah

Drew Barrymore 49:20 ... was when I was like in the third or fourth grade.

Jay Shetty 49:23 Wow.

Drew Barrymore 49:23 Um, and he was my first kiss. [laughs]

Jay Shetty 49:25 No one would've dated me in the third or fourth grade. [laughs]

Drew Barrymore 49:26 Well, th- but that was it.

Jay Shetty 49:28 Yeah.

Drew Barrymore 49:28 Like, it ended there. It wasn't... It was very puppy love-

Jay Shetty 49:31 Yeah

Drew Barrymore 49:31 ... it was very sweet-

Jay Shetty 49:32 Yeah

Drew Barrymore 49:32 ... and it was very innocent.

Jay Shetty 49:34 Yeah. So I probably had my proper first girlfriend when I was 14, and I often ask people, like, "Between your first girlfriend to where you are now, or your first boyfriend or whatever it may be till now, like, how many days have you spent single?" And for most people, that answer isn't very long. Like, I know people who could say three weeks, maybe six months, maybe nine months, like when you look at a whole life, and you start realizing that we haven't really spent much time having the opportunity to seek and experience all the other types of love because we've been chasing this one type of love to fulfill all our needs. But-

Drew Barrymore 50:08 It's so interesting

Jay Shetty 50:09 ... I'm so grateful you asked me that question, genuinely. Like-

Drew Barrymore 50:11 Well, and I really am like, I'm like, I haven't prioritized myself.

Jay Shetty 50:16 Mm-hmm.

Drew Barrymore 50:16 What if I actually made myself my partner?

Jay Shetty 50:20 Absolutely.

Drew Barrymore 50:21 Like, what if I invested in myself what I've invested in so many other people-

Jay Shetty 50:28 Yes

Drew Barrymore 50:28 ... in the form of these big, beautiful chapter adventurous, great romantic adventures that I've had-

Jay Shetty 50:34 Mm-hmm

Drew Barrymore 50:34 ... one of which led to the, the greatest meaning of my life, my kids. And I even s- feel weird saying my, 'cause they're their own people-

Jay Shetty 50:42 [laughs]

Drew Barrymore 50:42 ... but our kids.

Jay Shetty 50:43 Yeah.

Drew Barrymore 50:44 Um, and it's been really great to prioritize myself and say, "You know what? You have a lot of work to do. Uh, you gotta figure out how to be a parent. You've gotta figure out how to raise your, like, inner child that like, you know, did a lot of work back then, but there's some adult perspective you didn't have-

Jay Shetty 51:09 Mm-hmm

Drew Barrymore 51:09 ... so there's new work that needs to be done. You need to work on, you know, maybe you've done the same thing over and over in your life, like occupationally speaking. Like, is there other stuff out there, or are you happy just doing things over and over again the same way? Maybe you are, but like, give yourself the chance to explore that."

Jay Shetty 51:31 Yeah.

Drew Barrymore 51:31 Um, and I've had such big life changes, and I've been there to support myself rather than, again, outward-

Jay Shetty 51:38 Mm-hmm

Drew Barrymore 51:38 ... towards somebody else. I'm really a caretaker, and we all imprint. So much of what we're dealing with becomes a very 50/50 thing in a relationship, which is a beautiful gift, but you are taking in a lot of someone else's perspective and needs and stuff, and this has been such a great time for me. And something I said to my fellow, uh, coworker here, Jen, um, earlier today, we were, something about some great guy came up and, um, she was like, "Ugh, where are all those great guys?"

Jay Shetty 52:15 [laughs]

Drew Barrymore 52:15 And she's such a marvelous woman, and she's so rad and so awesome, and I'm like, "You know what, Stryker? Not only are you obviously gonna find someone or some people, maybe it's one, maybe it's chapters."

Jay Shetty 52:28 Yeah.

Drew Barrymore 52:28 I said, "But you know what? I'm gonna be so mad at you, and you're gonna be so mad at yourself if you waste this time, because it's coming.

Jay Shetty 52:40 Mm.

Drew Barrymore 52:40 He's coming.

Jay Shetty 52:41 Mm.

Drew Barrymore 52:41 And you're not gonna get this time back."

Jay Shetty 52:44 Yeah.

Drew Barrymore 52:45 So I always notice, too, when I ask people in the audience, "How many of you guys are married?" people raise their hands. And when I say, "How many of you are single?" they all whoop.

Jay Shetty 52:55 Oh.

Drew Barrymore 52:55 It's like, "Whoo."

Jay Shetty 52:56 Oh, that's good. Oh, that's good. Okay. [laughs]

Drew Barrymore 52:58 And there's like, there is a celebratory pride that comes-

Jay Shetty 53:01 Yeah

Drew Barrymore 53:01 ... with being single.

Jay Shetty 53:02 Yeah.

Drew Barrymore 53:02 And I hope people-

Jay Shetty 53:03 [laughs]

Drew Barrymore 53:04 ... hold this dearly-

Jay Shetty 53:05 Mm

Drew Barrymore 53:05 ... that these things, for better or worse, don't last.

Jay Shetty 53:09 Yeah.

Drew Barrymore 53:09 You're gonna probably end up with someone.

Jay Shetty 53:11 [laughs]

Drew Barrymore 53:11 And so instead of, like, boohooing through this time, love it, like it, 'cause one day it might be gone, and you'll romanticize looking back how great it was to be in a relationship with yourself.

Jay Shetty 53:24 Absolutely. Drew, I love that. Thank you for coming to my TED Talk. That's what you should've said. [laughs]

Drew Barrymore 53:28 [laughs]

Jay Shetty 53:29 It was brilliant.

Drew Barrymore 53:30 I would love to do a TED Talk.

Jay Shetty 53:31 Yeah. Well, I mean, you need to on this, on this exact topic.

Drew Barrymore 53:34 [laughs]

Jay Shetty 53:34 I think it's unbelievable. I have one last question for you. You said at the beginning of our interview, you said that when you were a kid and you were observing people in the industry, I was saying observing you, and then you started talking about observing others.

Jay Shetty 53:46 You said, "I was always looking at people and trying to make sense of who I wanted to be."

Drew Barrymore 53:50 Yes.

Jay Shetty 53:51 Today, who do you want to be? Who is it that you look, or not even who as a person, but who do you want to be, the values, the characteristics, the qualities, the inner that you were speaking about? What are those things that you aspire for today?

Drew Barrymore 54:04 We heard a story about this couple. Uh, we have a section on our show called Drew's News.

Jay Shetty 54:10 Mm-hmm.

Drew Barrymore 54:10 Um, we had pulled up a story about the couple who was in, uh, 100 ... years of age. I think they've been married for, I don't know, 80-something years, and, um, they said when they were asked, like, "Can you give a wisdom?" And their wisdom was, "When you are getting in a row or a fight or something, like, take a time out." They're today who inspires me because, again, it does not have to be of the romantic kind, but when you see yourself rising, when that blood starts to boil, when you start to, like, clench and freak and get spun out, instead of spewing that reaction and, like, Linda Blair Exorcist all over the room, I will have such regret for any type of moment that I have like that, and I, I want to become the master of the person who knows how to excuse themselves [laughs] walk away-

Jay Shetty 55:16 [laughs]

Drew Barrymore 55:17 ... take a deep breath. I have breathe written on my wrist in tattoo-

Jay Shetty 55:21 Yeah

Drew Barrymore 55:21 ... and I still forget to look at it. Like, after one rich, deep breath, after one removal of y- yourself in a situation, after one time out, after one walk away, you are not gonna come back usually as spun out.

Jay Shetty 55:38 Mm.

Drew Barrymore 55:38 So I think that, for me, is probably, like, the goal du jour in my life right now is, like, behavior mastery. And funny enough, as far as the people I follow, it's the same people for the last 30 years. It's Nan and Chris and Peter and Brian and Steve. It's, like, Cameron, and my oldest friend Mel, we celebrate 40 years this year.

Jay Shetty 56:10 Wow.

Drew Barrymore 56:10 I, I stick with people because I'm still trying to become like them, but we have a hella good time-

Jay Shetty 56:17 [laughs]

Drew Barrymore 56:18 ... like, along the way. But I just am in love with people who I think, "God darn it-

Jay Shetty 56:24 Yeah

Drew Barrymore 56:24 ... when I get to be like you, when I can learn to react like you, when I can live the way I see you living," because they're not not fun. They're not not funny and-

Jay Shetty 56:35 Mm

Drew Barrymore 56:36 ... spontaneous and cool and interesting and have a wild side. Like, you don't have to be boring.

Jay Shetty 56:43 No, definitely not. No.

Drew Barrymore 56:44 But I think when you're a kid-

Jay Shetty 56:46 You think that

Drew Barrymore 56:46 ... at least I did, I thought you probably were-

Jay Shetty 56:49 Yeah

Drew Barrymore 56:49 ... if you were an almighty person, you were probably a crashing bore.

Jay Shetty 56:53 [laughs]

Drew Barrymore 56:54 So I wanted to hang out with all, like, the ruckus.

Jay Shetty 56:56 Yeah.

Drew Barrymore 56:56 Like, the, I wanted to be in the rumpus room with all the-

Jay Shetty 56:59 Yeah

Drew Barrymore 56:59 ... like, cuckoo doodles just like me. But everyone I admire, they're just, like, really cool people, too. They're fun and loving and, and interesting and humorous. So it turns out all the people you admire don't have to be boring. They can be everything you wanna be.

Jay Shetty 57:16 Love that. Drew, thank you so much for this-

Drew Barrymore 57:18 Oh my God, Jay

Jay Shetty 57:18 ... opportunity and this-

Drew Barrymore 57:19 I love you so much.

Jay Shetty 57:20 I love you, too. This was one of the most beautiful human exchanges that I've had. It was such a special, special memory because of your-

Drew Barrymore 57:28 I find that interesting-

Jay Shetty 57:29 ... openness of heart and all

Drew Barrymore 57:29 ... 'cause I feel like that's what you do and give to people every day.

Jay Shetty 57:32 It, it i- it is, but it's... I don't know. It's different when you really get to hear from the heart and speak from the heart.

Drew Barrymore 57:37 I was gonna say, it feels so open-hearted.

Jay Shetty 57:39 Yeah.

Drew Barrymore 57:40 Like, you and I just, like... You know,

Drew Barrymore 57:43 my dad used to say about, like, the body, "It's just Tupperware, man."

Jay Shetty 57:46 [laughs]

Drew Barrymore 57:47 "It's just Tupperware."

Jay Shetty 57:48 That's good. [laughs]

Drew Barrymore 57:49 And it's like, it's true. It's like-

Jay Shetty 57:51 Yeah

Drew Barrymore 57:51 ... when do you sit down and sort of, like, unzip your chest-

Jay Shetty 57:54 Mm-hmm

Drew Barrymore 57:54 ... and, like, reveal your organs-

Jay Shetty 57:57 Mm-hmm

Drew Barrymore 57:57 ... and your heart?

Jay Shetty 57:58 Mm-hmm.

Drew Barrymore 57:58 And, like, for all those people who romanticize the head and the heart, also please pay attention to the gut.

Jay Shetty 58:03 Yeah.

Drew Barrymore 58:04 The gut-

Jay Shetty 58:04 Oh, yes. Absolutely. For sure

Drew Barrymore 58:06 ... is, I... And Barry even says, like, so many ancient wisdoms-

Jay Shetty 58:10 Yes

Drew Barrymore 58:10 ... are really about the gut that-

Jay Shetty 58:14 Abso- it's all about the gut

Drew Barrymore 58:15 ... the health, the insight, the, the instinct, you know, the truth, the-

Jay Shetty 58:21 The trauma

Drew Barrymore 58:21 ... the alarm bells.

Jay Shetty 58:22 Yeah.

Drew Barrymore 58:23 Like, God, pay attention. One thing as a mom I've really hooked into in the last, like, year is telling my girls, "I want you to pay attention to what feels good-

Jay Shetty 58:32 Mm

Drew Barrymore 58:32 ... or makes you feel good. That's fantastic. Let's go with that. But I want you to be as equally heightedly aware of what doesn't make you feel good."

Jay Shetty 58:40 Absolutely.

Drew Barrymore 58:40 "And let's explore that."

Jay Shetty 58:42 I love that. Yeah, it's so needed. It's so needed. I'm so glad you raised that about the gut. It's so easily missed, and I think we're just getting there now-

Drew Barrymore 58:48 Well, it's not sexy

Jay Shetty 58:49 ... as a society. Yeah, exactly.

Drew Barrymore 58:50 The heart and the head is poetry.

Jay Shetty 58:52 Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Drew Barrymore 58:52 But that-

Jay Shetty 58:53 H-H gut, yeah. [laughs]

Drew Barrymore 58:54 That-

Jay Shetty 58:54 It's like no alliteration, yeah

Drew Barrymore 58:55 ... that gut, trust that-

Jay Shetty 58:56 Yeah

Drew Barrymore 58:56 ... 'cause that's your little compass inside your body.

Jay Shetty 58:58 [laughs] I love it. If you loved this episode, you'll enjoy my conversation with Megan Trainor on breaking generational trauma and how to be confident from the inside out