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Jay Shetty PodcastHow To Build A STRONGER Relationship During DIFFICULT TIMES! | Radhi Devlukia Shetty & Jay Shetty
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Chapter summaries
Annual Episode Welcome and Format
Jay welcomes Radhi back for their annual episode, which marks the podcast's two-year anniversary. They banter about snacks and explain that the questions come from friends and the team, with a focus on navigating relationships in 2020.
- •Radhi was the first ever guest, on 14 February 2019
- •The questions are not planned and come from the team, friends and others
- •The episode looks at how they navigated relationships in 2020
- •The conversation promises to be raw, open and vulnerable
What Is Hardest About Love
Radhi says a partner often reflects your own weaknesses, such as her stubbornness, so arguments can say more about you than them. Jay adds that we project our strengths onto a partner's weaknesses and dampen their strengths rather than amplifying them.
- •A partner who knows you well becomes a reflection of you
- •Radhi names stubbornness as her own weak point in petty arguments
- •Jay says we want partners to be like us, though we love them for being different
- •Amplifying a partner's strengths makes for a more fulfilling relationship
- •Each of them can help balance the other's organization and spontaneity
How the Relationship Changed in 2020
Radhi and Jay describe 2020 as feeling like a first year of marriage, since they had never spent so much time together. They found better shared activities, like hikes and home workouts, and both intentionally applied lessons from past mistakes.
- •It was the most time they had spent together in their relationship
- •Radhi felt it was like a honeymoon and helped them find a rhythm
- •They discovered they enjoy active things like hikes and workouts more than shopping or movies
- •Both were intentional about communicating and resolving things differently
Responding to Requests as Requests for Love
Radhi asks Jay why he never complains when she asks him to fetch things. Jay says his first thought is irritation, but his second thought is that a request from a partner who loves you is often a request for love, and the second thought is what matters.
- •Jay admits his first reaction is frustration
- •Day-to-day requests can be a way of saying 'please see me and show up for me'
- •This reading depends on trusting that your partner loves you
- •The person asking should check whether they are being demanding or seeking love
- •The second thought matters more than the first
Why Jay Doesn't Believe in Compromise
Jay explains his view that compromise means both people give up what they want, and says he prefers each person getting what they want, with space for differences. Radhi adds that they give each other freedom, and that the important thing is to communicate what matters since partners can't read minds.
- •Jay says compromise means giving up what you want for something neither wants
- •Forcing togetherness can breed resentment and push people apart
- •Giving each other space can bring them closer
- •Radhi says to state clearly what is important to you
- •Expecting others to value what you value is an unfair expectation
Finding Time Together and Seasons of Relationships
Asked how they find time for each other with hectic schedules, Radhi and Jay say they favor quality over quantity and set aside a solid weekend together. Jay describes their New York years as a building phase and brings up a book that frames relationships as seasons.
- •They schedule at least one solid weekend together
- •They prefer quality time over forced time when tired
- •The New York years were a building phase with limited time together
- •Jay's five cycles are learn, experiment, perform, struggle and thrive
- •A book on seasons of relationships suggests not expecting it to always be summer
Films and Shows That Model Healthy Relationships
Radhi picks This Is Us for its realistic couples and communication. Jay chooses The Good Place and talks about growing up with unhealthy ideas of love from Bollywood films and shows like The O.C. and Desperate Housewives.
- •Radhi cites This Is Us for its varied, communicative couples
- •Jay cites The Good Place for its questions about friendship and support
- •Jay says Bollywood movies gave him unhealthy projections of love
- •Radhi says movies mislead girls with the damsel-in-distress idea
Doubts in the Relationship
Radhi says her early doubts came from cultural expectations and were eased by remembering the connection and shared values. Jay's only doubt was whether he should be alone, worrying he was taking her away from family and dreams. Radhi admits she once felt resentment about moving, which she worked through by looking at herself.
- •Radhi's doubts at the start were about cultural expectations of a man's job and stability
- •She kept returning to shared values and spiritual growth
- •Jay's doubt was whether he was dragging her along on his purpose
- •Radhi felt moving to New York was a compromise and sometimes projected it on Jay
- •Doing the self-work stopped the issue from breaking something
Radhi's Journey of Finding Her Passion
Jay invites Radhi to share how she found her path, and she explains that 2020 stripped away her excuses and forced her to figure out what she wanted. She describes her pattern of quitting when things got scary, how she built her recipe website and YouTube channel, and how Jay supported her through fear.
- •Radhi felt she had no idea what she was doing until March 2020
- •Supporting Jay's travel had partly covered for her fear of starting something
- •She had a pattern of quitting when things started to succeed
- •Jay pushed her through conversations she avoided out of fear
- •Jay praises her for becoming organized without losing herself
Five Scorecards: Who Carries What
Jay says the idea of not keeping score applies energetically as well: there are different ways of carrying a relationship, such as mental, emotional and financial. Radhi says seeing this stops her from limiting what she gives, and gives examples of tasks like cooking and finances that each of them handles by choice.
- •Jay says Radhi carries the relationship emotionally while he carries it mentally
- •He lists five types of offering: physical, financial, mental, emotional, spiritual
- •Judging only by your own scorecard hides what your partner contributes
- •Radhi cooks by choice and Jay handles things she doesn't want to do
- •Comparing to what other couples do can make you hold back from giving
When Are You Scared to Be Vulnerable
Radhi says she hesitates to be vulnerable when she knows Jay will give advice she doesn't want to hear. Jay says he gets nervous about telling her about expensive purchases, and Radhi notes he worries about upsetting her when her food or remedies don't work for his health.
- •Radhi avoids sharing when she expects to hear an answer she already knows is right
- •Jay feels vulnerable about revealing the cost of things like a suit
- •Radhi reads his reluctance to mention health setbacks as fear of upsetting her
- •Jay says defensiveness can come from trying hard out of love
Fill in the Blank and Final Five
They go through quick-fire segments, completing sentences about support, commitment and conflict, then giving short answers about self-discovery, feeling powerful, a 50th anniversary, disliked traits they have grown to love, and the funniest thing that has happened to them. They close with thanks and a plug for Radhi's YouTube channel.
- •Radhi feels supported by unrequested snacks, and Jay feels supported when she is fully present
- •Radhi says commitment means showing up in different ways at the right time; Jay says it means mutually created boundaries and agreements
- •Jay once disliked Radhi's disorganization but now sees it as the source of her spontaneity
- •Their funniest stories include the Sibling Revelry poll and getting lost in the countryside
- •Jay asks listeners to follow Radhi's YouTube channel
