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Jay Shetty PodcastJay Shetty Podcast

How To Build A STRONGER Relationship During DIFFICULT TIMES! | Radhi Devlukia Shetty & Jay Shetty

This week, Jay Shetty speaks with his wife, Radhi Devlukia-Shetty, to talk about the challenges and successes of their relationship on this very special 2-year anniversary episode of On Purpose with Jay Shetty.

Jay ShettyhostRadhi Devlukia-Shettyguest
Feb 15, 202159mWatch on YouTube

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Transcript

  1. 0:00 – 2:27

    Annual Episode Welcome and Format

    1. JS

      You're both giving up something you both want for something both of you don't want. That's what a compromise is. Imagine I gave up what I wanted to do all the time to be where Radhi wanted me to be. I'm going to be feeling upset, I'm going to be thinking I should be doing this or I could be doing this, and then you develop bitterness towards the other person-

    2. RD

      Yeah

    3. JS

      ... where you can't even respect and appreciate them. I feel like you actually move closer away by forcing yourself together, when actually you could move closer together by allowing yourselves to have that space. [upbeat music] Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose, and our annual episode with the one and only Radhi Devlukia-Shetty.

    4. RD

      Yay.

    5. JS

      [laughs] We do this every single year. The first ever episode on the podcast on the 14th of February 2019 was Radhi. We did our one-year celebration with Radhi.

    6. RD

      [laughs]

    7. JS

      And this is now our two-year celebration with Radhi. The podcast is now officially two years old.

    8. RD

      Oh my gosh, that's amazing. But also I thought, number one, you'd keep my seat warm for me, seeing as I-

    9. JS

      Is it not warm?

    10. RD

      I mean ... And seeing as I'm, like, probably the person that's been on the podcast the most, I thought maybe I'd have, like, some of my favorite snacks here, but I had to bring my own tea, didn't I?

    11. JS

      [laughs] This is your house.

    12. RD

      [laughs] Had to bring my own tea, didn't I?

    13. JS

      This is your house, and the snack cupboard is-

    14. RD

      [laughs]

    15. JS

      ... yours, and you do own this place.

    16. RD

      But it's different if you bring it for me.

    17. JS

      [laughs]

    18. RD

      But I'm so excited to be here. Um, and yeah, I don't know, um, what we're gonna speak about, but I'm very excited.

    19. JS

      Yeah. So Radhi and I don't plan these. What we do is we ask my team, friends, people we know, people we don't know, to come up with questions that we can discuss, and that's what we're going to do today. We think 2020 was a incredible year for relationships, and the challenges it brought with that, so we want to dive in today about how we tried to navigate 2020. And as always, these conversations are completely raw and open and vulnerable, where we're sharing with you our mistakes, the things we got wrong, the things we learned, the things we got right. We're sharing all of it in this conversation, so I really, really hope that you enjoy this one.

    20. RD

      As do I.

    21. JS

      [laughs]

    22. RD

      So let's go. What should we start with?

    23. JS

      So the first question, the first question that I have from our team-

    24. RD

      Mm-hmm, mm-hmm

    25. JS

      ...

  2. 2:27 – 6:35

    What Is Hardest About Love

    1. JS

      is what do you find hardest about love?

    2. RD

      I was actually thinking about this this morning when I was thinking about coming and speaking here. Speaking here? Coming and speaking to you. Um, and I re- was thinking about how, you know, a lot of the time when you end up feeling, um, annoyed at your partner, or irritated in some way, or [laughs] when they really annoy you. No, I'm joking. [laughs] Um, I actually, it actually made me realize that a lot of the time, you know, they say it ends up being a reflection of you, and I think a lot of, when I think about what ends up, like when we have our, like, petty arguments or whatever it is, I feel like it's actually because it hits at a sore point of me realizing that it's- it's my, whatever we're arguing about, how I'm reacting, it's my weakness. And a lot of the time that's stubbornness. And so I feel like whenever we ... I think that's quite, that- that's quite a difficult thing when it comes to relationships or love, is that the other person, because you spend so much time with them, and because, um, you know, they- they know you better than anybody else, that they end up being a reflection of actually you. So every time you end up having interactions with them that aren't that great, actually a lot of the time you can sit there and be like, "Mm, maybe that had a lot more to do with me, how I reacted, rather than the other person." But sometimes it's them too.

    3. JS

      [laughs] That's a really good answer.

    4. RD

      [laughs]

    5. JS

      That's a really good answer. I- I think that's such a good point. I was ... I think what I'm saying is I would second that. And to give another answer, to give a different answer, I also feel the hardest thing in a relationship is you're always projecting your strengths-

    6. RD

      Mm

    7. JS

      ... onto the other person's weaknesses.

    8. RD

      Yeah.

    9. JS

      So you want the other person to be more like you.

    10. RD

      Mm.

    11. JS

      But when you really think about it, you don't. Like, you love-

    12. RD

      Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

    13. JS

      ... you love the other person for not being like you. But when you say things, like I'll give an example, that I'm super organized, disciplined, live by the schedule, on time, and-

    14. RD

      So am I

    15. JS

      ... and- and- and at times in our relationship I've wanted you to become like that-

    16. RD

      Yeah

    17. JS

      ... and do things like me.

    18. RD

      Mm-hmm.

    19. JS

      And when I've really sat with that and really thought with that, I realized, actually, I don't want you to be like me-

    20. RD

      Yeah

    21. JS

      ... because I love you for not being me.

    22. RD

      Yeah.

    23. JS

      And the things that you bring to this relationship, whether it's spontaneity, whether it's being fresh, whether it's being always alive, like, that's the strength.

    24. RD

      Mm.

    25. JS

      And I think what we do in relationships is we dampen our partner's strengths instead of amplifying them.

    26. RD

      Yeah.

    27. JS

      And what that does is it makes your partner feel like they have to do something different or be something different.

    28. RD

      Mm-hmm.

    29. JS

      But actually if you amplified their strengths, which is the part you love anyway-

    30. RD

      Yeah

  3. 6:35 – 10:57

    How the Relationship Changed in 2020

    1. JS

      Okay, second question is, how did your relationship change in 2020?

    2. RD

      How did it change? I kind of feel like this felt like our, like, first year of marriage, because we, um, probab- well, no, not probably. We have not spent this much time together in our whole entire relationship. And so I kind of feel like, for me, it felt like we were on our honeymoon-type feel where we just got married and we were learning so much more about each other. But, but then we ended up, um, yeah, just, just really understanding one another and settling into each other a lot better than we probably even have for the past, how many years have we been married? Like, three years? Four years?

    3. JS

      We've nearly been married five years. [laughs]

    4. RD

      Nearly five years, but it feels like one year. Um, but yeah, no, I, I think it really made us, um, it really helped us understand each other better. It helped us get into a rhythm together, which I don't feel like we ever really had a rhythm together. Um, and so I think it's actually changed, um, in most, like, in, uh, I can't think of any ways that it's changed in a negative way. I really think that it's improved our relationship through figuring a lot of stuff out, but it's definitely got to a point now where I'm like, "Oh, wow, this, that whole year was definitely a good jump or a good step up for us."

    5. JS

      Yeah. I'd have to say one of my favorite things was it was the first year where we started doing a lot of physical activity together.

    6. RD

      Mm.

    7. JS

      Because we always go and, like, travel together or something like that, but it was the first year we started actually working out and exercising together.

    8. RD

      We did, yeah.

    9. JS

      So we used to go on hikes up Griffiths Park-

    10. RD

      Mm-hmm

    11. JS

      ... and then Runyon.

    12. RD

      Mm-hmm.

    13. JS

      And then we'd go on walks.

    14. RD

      We did.

    15. JS

      And just so many opportunities to be in nature together because we weren't going to the gym. And then we were doing in-home workouts together with a virtual workout.

    16. RD

      Yeah.

    17. JS

      And we'd put our playlist on with that song that you were talking about-

    18. RD

      Oh, yeah

    19. JS

      ... the other day.

    20. RD

      Don't Rush. That's the song of 2020 for me.

    21. JS

      And I just think that we were forced to just spend so much time together-

    22. RD

      Mm-hmm

    23. JS

      ... but we actually found ways to do things we enjoyed together.

    24. RD

      I think we actually realized that, um, we were spending time together in the wrong ways before. Like, I feel like that's what it made us realize, that we thought going shopping together or going to watch a movie together was like, and sitting and watching a movie together, were the ways that we would be spending time together. And then we realized that actually we just really enjoy doing, whether it's, like, normal things like working out, but it feels so much more fun for us than sitting there and doing something that feel, I don't know, I don't know how to explain it. But yeah, like, something that, where we're not talking or we're not interacting, um, and the focus is somewhere else, whereas this, it's like you're completely focused on the activity, completely focused on the other person. And, um, it was just so much more fun-

    25. JS

      Yeah

    26. RD

      ... to do that stuff together, even if it is just, like, working out and, uh, or going for a walk or whatever it is, but it felt so much more interactive and it, like, yeah, so much more fun.

    27. JS

      Yeah. And for everyone who's listening and watching, this was the year that Radhi and I have spent the most actual time together since we've been married-

    28. RD

      Yeah

    29. JS

      ... and since we were dating, because I'm always traveling. She's back at home in London, sometimes she's traveling, and for us to be in this space together, we, we had to focus on learning about each other even more. So it, it was a big change for us.

    30. RD

      Yeah.

  4. 10:57 – 14:57

    Responding to Requests as Requests for Love

    1. RD

      I'll do a question for you.

    2. JS

      Go on.

    3. RD

      Um, I was thinking about this earlier, too, like, and I was gonna ask you separately, but I thought, why not ask you on here, put you on the spot? Um, what is, like, okay, for example, you know in a relationship when one person asks the other person to do something, like, I always think about this with you, because you always, regardless of when I ask you to do something, no matter if you're like, s- let's say something simple, like we're both sitting watching something and I'm literally like, "Oh, I really want this." And, like, I haven't even asked you to do it, but you'll literally get up and you'll go and do it for me. Or, like, I'll ask you to go get something and you'll m- like, you won't even flinch, like, you'll go out of your way to do it. And actually, I was thinking about it and, like, that seems like such a small thing, but I actually feel like it's not, because a lot of the time where even if it's with your mom, your dad, whatever, it's just, ugh, do I really have to go and get it? Like, can't you just go do it yourself? But you, I feel, have gen- generally always been like that, and so I was just gonna ask you, 'cause I think it'll be helpful for other people, too, and helpful for me. Like, what goes through your mind when, even if I'm being really irritating or being a brat, like, what makes you just continually do that without, yeah, without, like, moaning? [laughs]

    4. JS

      The first thing that goes through my mind is, you are such a brat.

    5. RD

      Yeah. [laughs]

    6. JS

      You, you are closer to that light switch right now.

    7. RD

      [laughs]

    8. JS

      You are closer-

    9. RD

      Yeah, exactly

    10. JS

      ... to the water container right now.

    11. RD

      Yeah.

    12. JS

      Why are you asking me to do this? [laughs]

    13. RD

      Yeah.

    14. JS

      That, that's the first thing that goes through my mind.

    15. RD

      Yes. Fair.

    16. JS

      And then, and then my monk mind comes in, and-

    17. RD

      Mm

    18. JS

      ... there, there's two sides to it. First of all, I know you're not asking me Because you're trying to make my life difficult. You're doing it because you want to be loved that way.

    19. RD

      [laughs]

    20. JS

      And, and-

    21. RD

      Maybe, yeah

    22. JS

      ... and, and I think that when you realize, if you're in a loving, trusting relationship, you start realizing that your partner's requests, even if they seem unreasonable and irrational, a lot of the time that's just how you wanna be loved in that moment. And when you see it in that way-

    23. RD

      Yeah

    24. JS

      ... you go, "Yeah, of course I wanna love you in that way."

    25. RD

      Yeah.

    26. JS

      Because you're not doing it to hurt me, because I know you love me. You're not doing it to upset me. You're obviously not doing it to irritate me.

    27. RD

      Mm-hmm.

    28. JS

      So then the only reason you could be doing that is because you need some love right now.

    29. RD

      Yeah, yeah.

    30. JS

      And you need love in that way, or you need connection in that way, or you need intimacy in that way. And so you're asking for it because it's a request for love.

  5. 14:57 – 20:17

    Why Jay Doesn't Believe in Compromise

    1. JS

      So this question came in from our team. It says, "Tell me about a time where you think we've made a compromise, and how did it work out?" I'm gonna go first.

    2. RD

      I know the first thing you're gonna say is-

    3. JS

      [laughs]

    4. RD

      ... "I don't believe in compromises in relationships."

    5. JS

      You know me so well.

    6. RD

      Please continue.

    7. JS

      So that, that's exactly what I was gonna say. I was like, as soon as I hear the word compromise, I have a, I have a very interesting relationship with the word compromise.

    8. RD

      Mm.

    9. JS

      Because I believe that compromise makes you feel that both of you are giving up something you want for something you both don't want.

    10. RD

      Don't want. Oh, yeah.

    11. JS

      Which doesn't make any sense to me.

    12. RD

      Repeat that, repeat that. Rewind. That's a good point. Go on. Have a, have a Jay Shetty moment.

    13. JS

      [laughs] So-

    14. RD

      [laughs]

    15. JS

      So I have a really interesting relationship with the word compromise, because I don't understand, what compromise means is that you're both giving up something you both want for something both of you don't want. That's what a compromise is. So it feels like one person is getting what they want, and the other person is not getting what they want. That's what a compromise is.

    16. RD

      Mm-hmm.

    17. JS

      Whereas what I have tried to live by in our relationship is I want you to get what you want, and I want to get what I want.

    18. RD

      Mm-hmm.

    19. JS

      Now, if that doesn't mesh all the time, or if that doesn't connect all the time, then the only thing that's being compromised is this false view that we should always feel the same way about everything.

    20. RD

      Mm-hmm.

    21. JS

      And I think that just makes ... That actually makes space for resentment. It makes space for bitterness. It's almost like, think about this, everyone who's listening and watching, think about this for a moment. Imagine I gave up what I wanted to do all the time to be where Radhi wanted me to be.

    22. RD

      Mm-hmm.

    23. JS

      I'm going to be feeling upset. I'm going to be thinking, "I should be doing this," or, "I could be doing this."

    24. RD

      Mm-hmm.

    25. JS

      And then you develop bitterness towards the other person-

    26. RD

      Yeah

    27. JS

      ... where you can't even respect and appreciate them. And if you were always dragged to what I'm doing, you may be thinking, "Well, I could be doing this," or, "I could be doing that."

    28. RD

      Mm-hmm.

    29. JS

      And what ends up happening is I feel like you actually move closer away by forcing yourself together.

    30. RD

      Wait, say that again. I feel like you-

  6. 20:17 – 25:37

    Finding Time Together and Seasons of Relationships

    1. JS

      is we both have such hectic schedules-

    2. RD

      Mm-hmm

    3. JS

      ... in life, and lots of work going on, and all our commitments. How do we find time to spend time alone and time with each other?

    4. RD

      I get asked that a lot, actually. I have so many-

    5. JS

      Really?

    6. RD

      ... some, some of my family members are always like, "But does he have time to spend with you? Like, do you guys have time?" And then I was speaking to one of my, um, family friends the other day, and she was just like, "Are you sure you guys spend time with each other?" And I was like, "Yeah, we actually spend a lot of time together." But, but I can understand why people may think that. But yeah, you know what? I don't feel like we've ever really felt ... I, I feel like even if we've had the moments where we've had, like, months apart, we do make an effort that when we are together, especially recently within the past year, or two years, would you say? Would you say two years? We've started doing-

    7. JS

      Two years

    8. RD

      ... yeah, we've started doing a thing where we make sure that we have at least a weekend that we spend solid together. And sometimes that's more time that you spend together even if you were seeing someone every single day for, like, a month, because it's condensed time, it's, it's intentional, and it's, um, with a p- the sole purpose to spend time together and communicate, um, and be together in a meaningful way. So yeah, we definitely, um, make that time. But it's also because we choose to do that.

    9. JS

      Yeah. I think we both thankfully gravitate towards quality time versus quantity of time.

    10. RD

      Mm.

    11. JS

      And so we'll both be like, "Well, if we're both tired today, we'd rather not force ourselves to try-

    12. RD

      Yeah

    13. JS

      ... and spend time together, and give each other space-

    14. RD

      Exactly

    15. JS

      ... or give each other time to decompress. And this weekend we'll make sure we spend time together-

    16. RD

      Mm-hmm

    17. JS

      ... rather than the artificial force of, like, today we had to spend time together because we promised or we said we would.

    18. RD

      Yeah.

    19. JS

      And it's like, but maybe we're both not got the right energy right now-

    20. RD

      And exactly

    21. JS

      ... and we haven't got that, we haven't got that presence right now. And so I think it's a mutual understanding. At, at the same time, I feel like, you know, there've been different parts in our relationship. Like, I remember when we lived in New York, we probably didn't spend a lot of quality time together, because-

    22. RD

      No

    23. JS

      ... the only time I had off was the weekends, and I was busy working sometimes too, and you were doing all your-

    24. RD

      I had my course

    25. JS

      ... courses and your work-

    26. RD

      Yeah

    27. JS

      ... on the weekends. And so I spent a ton of my weekends alone, and you spent a ton of your week-

    28. RD

      Weekends [laughs]

    29. JS

      ... weekdays alone.

    30. RD

      Yeah, yeah, yeah.

  7. 25:37 – 29:13

    Films and Shows That Model Healthy Relationships

    1. JS

      What film or TV show do you think offers the best example of a healthy relationship?

    2. RD

      Oh my gosh, that's such a good question. I automatically in my mind go to, um, This Is Us, 'cause it's one of my favorite shows ever.

    3. JS

      I've never seen it.

    4. RD

      You've never seen it? But it's so good. And, um-

    5. JS

      We love Chrissy, our good friend

    6. RD

      Love Chrissy.

    7. JS

      [laughs]

    8. RD

      Um, but there are actually really lovely examples of couples who, like, make it through stuff in that, whether it's, like, the main couple, I'm sure, to be honest, most people have probably seen it. You're just the odd one out. But, um, yeah, the, the main mum and dad, and then there's, um, Sterling. What's his name? Sterling Brown. Sterling, the actor.

    9. JS

      Yeah, probably. Yeah.

    10. RD

      Yeah, I think that's his n- uh, something Sterling or Sterling something. You'll know who I mean. Uh, but their relationship is amazing 'cause they go through so many ups and downs, but they're so good at communication, and I, I feel like that's a very good show to show very different types of relationships, even Chrissy's relationship with her partner, her husband on the show. They're all so different in relationships and the way they communicate, but they show very good, um, yeah, very, very realistic and, and, uh, useful relationships, I feel.

    11. JS

      Yeah.

    12. RD

      I love that show.

    13. JS

      [laughs]

    14. RD

      It's so good.

    15. JS

      I actually struggle with this question because I think, A, I don't watch a lot of TV shows, but I do watch a lot of movies.

    16. RD

      Mm.

    17. JS

      And I think growing up, I had a really unhealthy view of love because of movies.

    18. RD

      It's so true.

    19. JS

      So I grew up watching Bollywood movies a lot, and I remember thinking that that's what love had-

    20. RD

      [laughs]

    21. JS

      ... to look like.

    22. RD

      Yeah, like a flower comes up in the middle when two people are about to kiss.

    23. JS

      Yeah.

    24. RD

      That's what they do in Bollywood. [laughs]

    25. JS

      Or, or like you're all, like, dancing around and, like, there's all this, like-

    26. RD

      In a field-

    27. JS

      There's all this-

    28. RD

      ... of poppies

    29. JS

      Yeah, and, like, music's playing when you fall in love with someone.

    30. RD

      And I'm running towards you in slow motion and my hair naturally falls like this, whish, whish, whish.

  8. 29:13 – 35:20

    Doubts in the Relationship

    1. JS

      Okay, this is an interesting question. Do, have you ever experienced doubt in our relationship, and how do you express doubt?

    2. RD

      Hmm. I guess maybe, like, right at the beginning when, um ... I'm trying to think.

    3. JS

      Yeah.

    4. RD

      I'm sure I did right at the beginning, and then, like, you know, just before you're getting married, and, like, everything's, like, a bit confusing, and there's just so much going on because of wedding.

    5. JS

      [laughs]

    6. RD

      And then you're like, "Oh my gosh, I have to get married to this man." No, I'm joking.

    7. JS

      Really?

    8. RD

      [laughs] No. Um-

    9. JS

      As in, no, seriously, I want to know.

    10. RD

      No, yeah, yeah.

    11. JS

      It's a good question.

    12. RD

      I think, I think probably just, I guess just at the beginning when everything was so up in the air, because, like, you know, as a, I'm sure in most cultures, but in our culture, it's like the man should have a job, and the man should be the breadwinner, and, like, he should-

    13. JS

      Which is not true

    14. RD

      ... you should have ev- no, which is not true. But, and he should have everything figured out before you get into a relationship with that person. Like, everything should already be set before you even think about marriage. Um, and we really didn't have that. [laughs] And so I think probably at the beginning, but I was so lucky because my mom and dad really were just so okay that I naturally feel doubts can come into your mind when other people get in your mind. Um, but I think I was quite sure. I felt like, I felt like straight away I knew I had a connection with you. I knew that your values and the person that you were, um, w- I, I just knew we would be able to grow so deeply together. Um, and that's really what I was focusing on, and then I was so lucky that the rest of everything else fell into place. But, and I'm so grateful for that, but I, I knew that the core thing that I wanted in the relationship was there. For us to grow deeper in our spiritual lives together, and that was the main focus for me. And then, yeah, and then we started having fun. I was like, oh, he is fun. Like, he's just not just like a teacher and, like, just so deep, but you also were so fun. And, and, it, all the things that I maybe hadn't thought about was important to me slowly started coming, and I was like, oh, that is really important to me. Gosh, I didn't realize that at the beginning that that's what I wanted. Um, but yes, the doubt was definitely, um, was definitely, like, taken away by me constantly going back to the fact that I wanted to be in that relationship with you for that reason. And, um, yeah.

    15. JS

      Yeah.

    16. RD

      Yeah.

    17. JS

      That's a, that's a good, honest answer.

    18. RD

      Mm.

    19. JS

      Yeah, I think, I think my only doubt was always, and, and it's funny because it's so hard to express this because I remember it was really funny when your family had mentioned this to you, and it was like, "Are you sure he's not gonna run back and be a monk?"

    20. RD

      Yeah.

    21. JS

      Right? And run back-

    22. RD

      Oh, yeah

    23. JS

      ... back to the monastery. And it's so interesting because my only doubt in our relationship previously, not anymore, had ever been that should I have been alone.

    24. RD

      Yeah.

    25. JS

      So my doubt was never like you or another person or if you were the right person.

    26. RD

      Yeah.

    27. JS

      It's always been it's either you or me being alone.

    28. RD

      Mm.

    29. JS

      And, and I think that comes from me loving being alone and spending so much time alone, and I think there was a part of our relationship where because I was spending long periods on my own-

    30. RD

      Yeah

  9. 35:20 – 40:19

    Radhi's Journey of Finding Her Passion

    1. JS

      But for you, I've watched you since we've met, which was, you know, sorry, since we've been together, which is what? Nearly eight years now.

    2. RD

      Yeah.

    3. JS

      And I've seen you, like, try this, try that, experiment with this.

    4. RD

      Mm-hmm.

    5. JS

      And actually it's been really amazing. Why don't you tell people about how you feel your journey's been of discovering your real passion? Because I think people see you now, and you've got your amazing YouTube channel and your Instagram page-

    6. RD

      Mm

    7. JS

      ... and all the wonderful stuff you're doing, and people may think, oh yeah, Radhi just... And yes, you've always had this energy that everyone loves you for and that I, I fell in love with you for, but the way you're expressing it now has definitely evolved.

    8. RD

      Mm-hmm.

    9. JS

      Right?

    10. RD

      Yeah, definitely. I, to be honest, I feel like I had no idea what I was doing till, till beginning of, or, like, what, March last year, um, when all of this started happening, and it was the first time I had to literally sit there and be like, "Oh, crap, crap, I have no excuse of, oh, I can't do this because Jay, I have to go with Jay traveling. Like, I can't start my own thing because, you know, I'm never really in the country, and it's really difficult. I just wanna focus on what Jay has, and I'm just there to support him." [laughs] And I realized as much as that was true and I did wanna do that, it was probably a big, um, covering for me not wanting to actually figure out what I wanted to do because everything just felt so scary to start something. Um, and yeah, it just kind of stripped all of that away where I, I was like, no, I have to fill my days with something that feels meaningful and, and figure out what that is to me and how that looks to me. And so I just started, and yeah, I definitely tried so many different ways and different things, whether it was, like, I s- made a we- did a website during that time, and you know, it's not the best website, but it's like the website that I started off with, and I put so much effort into it. I did like 100 recipes within, what, a couple of months because I really focused on it. And, and it just showed me because I was such a person that I would start something, and as soon as- It felt a little bit overwhelming, or it even felt like it was getting good or succeeding in some way, I'd be like, "Oh my gosh, that means I have to take another step forward, and I'm not sure I wanna do that. Okay, let's just start, shut it down and go somewhere else and do something else." And I, and I re- I realized that pattern that I had, and so I was really determined to not do that with this, because it w- I almost, like, get in my own way of being a failure be- in my mind, being a failure, because I choose to not take the next step. Not because anything else comes in my way, but because the fear of the next step would always scare me, scare me enough to not wanna take it. And so it was really amazing, actually. I was like just looking at myself from an, like, outside perspective, and I was like, oh my gosh, I never, ever thought she could do this. Like, I never thought I could do that. I never thought I would actually still be making recipes. I thought it was like something I'd do for a month and then get bored and be like, "Eh, can't be bothered to, to, to keep adding onto this website anymore." But, um, yeah, and then, and then I did my, decided to try my YouTube thing, which, oh my gosh, took so long to actually start because of fear again pushing me away from it. But I just ... I mean, you've always been so amazing and supportive in that constantly, like, you see everything happening for me before I even dream about it. And I think it's just been so nice because whenever I've had doubts, you've been so amazing at helping me through them practically, where it's either it's in like a supportive way of just love, but a lot of the time it's really taking the time to have the conversations with me. And I avoid the conversations, and you're like, "Okay, what do you need to do next? Like, what is it that ..." I'm like, "I don't wanna talk about it right now. I haven't figured it out, and I just don't wanna speak about it." But you constantly would help, like, push me through because you saw that it was coming from a place of fear, not because I actually didn't want to. And I think that's really important, too. It's like, I know with a lot of your stuff, like 99% of the time you don't necessarily need to speak to me about it. But there are certain times that you do wanna discuss things, and vice is like, I obviously like this, I obviously need, um, you to input in a lot more of my stuff because I feel like you've done a lot of the things that I've done, and I really appreciate your advice for it. Um, but I think there is so much of the support being in so many different ways throughout the times that I needed it. And, um, yeah, I just, I, to be honest, I don't know how I did, how I got here, but I'm really happy that I did it. I'm so happy because I never expected myself to be able to do that, ever. And I, I just genuinely feel for any, everybody else that's listening to this that I was, like, that's where my spontaneity that can be a strength end, ended up being something that was such a weakness for me in the areas where I wanted to commit to something. And, um, yeah, I just, I honest- and I'm not just saying this. Genuinely, if I can do it, ask my mom, she will tell you, if I can do it, I 100% know that other people can. Whatever it is that you love doing, just try it out. And, um, yeah, if I can do it, oh my gosh, you all can definitely do it.

    11. JS

      Yeah.

    12. RD

      But enough about me. [laughs]

    13. JS

      What I genuinely love about the way you're doing it, though, is that even though you have become more organized and disciplined and focused to figure this out-

    14. RD

      Mm-hmm

    15. JS

      ...

  10. 40:19 – 45:28

    Five Scorecards: Who Carries What

    1. JS

      you haven't lost who you are.

    2. RD

      Yeah.

    3. JS

      And I think that's the hardest part, and I love seeing that in you. Like, each and every video, the amount of effort you put in, I know the amount of effort that goes behind the scenes when you're about to launch a video.

    4. RD

      Mm.

    5. JS

      And like your nerves and your e- excitement, and you just wanna make everything so wonderful for everyone, and I love that. I love that even though you've become organized and focused and disciplined and all those things that you've had to learn, that you haven't lost yourself in it.

    6. RD

      Mm.

    7. JS

      Because I think that's possible, too. So I, I love watching it, and it makes me really happy. And, and what you were just saying at the end, you know, there's, there's an old relationship rule of like, don't keep the score, and it's been said for many, many years of like, don't keep score in a relationship.

    8. RD

      Mm-hmm.

    9. JS

      But often score feels like, oh, I did this favor. What did someone else do? And what I've realized is that score should not be kept energetically. And so what I mean by that is I really feel that you carry the re- relationship sometimes emotionally.

    10. RD

      Mm-hmm.

    11. JS

      And so I may be carrying it mentally-

    12. RD

      Mm-hmm

    13. JS

      ... but you're carrying it emotionally. And so if you're only looking at the mental score-

    14. RD

      Right

    15. JS

      ... I'll be going like, "Oh, well, I'm doing everything. Why are you not doing anything mentally? Like, you're not planning."

    16. RD

      [laughs] Yeah.

    17. JS

      "You're not setting goals. You're not doing this." But that's because I'm only measuring it on my scorecard.

    18. RD

      Mm-hmm.

    19. JS

      And I think it's so important to be like, well, there are so many different scorecards. There's-

    20. RD

      That's so true

    21. JS

      ... physical, financial, mental, emotional, spiritual. There are five scorecards.

    22. RD

      Yeah.

    23. JS

      First of all, there shouldn't be a scorecard, but I'm saying-

    24. RD

      No, but I know what you mean

    25. JS

      ... there's five types of offering-

    26. RD

      Yeah

    27. JS

      ... in a relationship, and you're only ever looking at the one you give. So-

    28. RD

      But it's also useful to think of it in that way. Like, you're saying there's not scorecards, but I think it's useful because I think naturally we all have tendencies to want to be the hero or, like, want to be the person that like, "Oh, but I've done this and I've done that." And so actually looking at it in that way allows you to see where your strength is in your scorecard, but then realize hopefully where the other person is also contributing.

    29. JS

      Yeah, hopefully. [laughs]

    30. RD

      So I think ... Yeah. [laughs] Um, but yeah, that's so, that's really one good way of putting it. I've never thought of it in that way, yeah.

  11. 45:28 – 49:56

    When Are You Scared to Be Vulnerable

    1. JS

      this is a good one. When are you most scared to be vulnerable with your partner?

    2. RD

      When are you most scared to be vulnerable? Mm.

    3. JS

      Like, when are you scared of, like, being really honest and open? I'm thinking.

    4. RD

      [laughs]

    5. JS

      [laughs] Go.

    6. RD

      Ah.

    7. JS

      Go on.

    8. RD

      Sometimes when, um, you know, like, if I'm supposed, if, like, you've already given me advice on something, and then, like, I'm kind of asking for, like, again, and I'm, like, really confused about something again, and you're really nice about it, but sometimes I feel like it's, you know, when I know you're gonna tell me something that I don't necessarily want to hear because you've already told me before, and I don't necessarily want you to give me the answer 'cause I know you're right, that makes me really annoyed. [laughs]

    9. JS

      [laughs]

    10. RD

      So sometimes I don't feel like being vulnerable about how I'm feeling because I know the answer you're gonna give, and that I don't want to hear it.

    11. JS

      [laughs] I've, so what do I need to be to help you be more vulnerable?

    12. RD

      No, I think that's more me. [laughs]

    13. JS

      [laughs] No, seriously.

    14. RD

      No, no, I think it's, it is, this is very much so just me. [laughs]

    15. JS

      [laughs] I, I think-

    16. RD

      It's me just wanting to be stubborn and not wanting you to be right

    17. JS

      ... that's, like, a recurring theme in this podcast right now.

    18. RD

      I'm not stubborn.

    19. JS

      [laughs] I'm not allowed to say it. That's the thing. That's the rule I've learned.

    20. RD

      Yeah, you're not allowed to say it.

    21. JS

      I'm not allowed to say Radhi's reflect- [laughs] That's when I feel most vulnerable, is like, I'm not allowed to repeat something-

    22. RD

      No

    23. JS

      ... she said.

    24. RD

      No.

    25. JS

      That makes me look good.

    26. RD

      I'm like, "Yeah, I should really tidy up after myself," or whatever, and he's like, "Yeah, yeah, we should," I'm like, "You're not telling me, you're not allowed to tell me that I should tidy up. I'll tell myself if I want to tidy up after myself, okay?"

    27. JS

      [laughs] I, I feel most, I'm trying to think.

    28. RD

      [laughs]

    29. JS

      I, I think the time I feel most vulnerable is, like, when I've spent a lot of money on something. [laughs] Like, I feel like that's it, but I'm trying to think of it. Like-

    30. RD

      Oh, yeah, like when you tell me not to, "Oh, yeah, make sure you just park properly and don't ruin the rims," I'm like, "If I want to ruin the rims, I'll ruin the rims, okay?"

  12. 49:56 – 59:37

    Fill in the Blank and Final Five

    1. JS

      Okay, so we're on to the final two segments-

    2. RD

      Okay

    3. JS

      ... which is fill in the blank and final five.

    4. RD

      Fill in the blank and final five. Okay.

    5. JS

      Yeah, so fill in the blank is you fill in the blank at the end of the sentence.

    6. RD

      Yeah, I get it. I get it.

    7. JS

      So we're both gonna say it. All right?

    8. RD

      Yeah.

    9. JS

      Okay. Are you ready?

    10. RD

      I'm ready.

    11. JS

      I feel most supported by my partner when ...

    12. RD

      I feel like we did this last time.

    13. JS

      Yeah, but not the same question. [laughs]

    14. RD

      [laughs] I feel most supported by my partner when he brings me snacks when I don't even ask for them.

    15. JS

      That never happens. [laughs]

    16. RD

      I know. That's why I just don't feel it right now. [laughs] No, I feel most ... That's my answer. You go.

    17. JS

      I feel most supported by my partner when ...

    18. RD

      I bring you cut up fruit.

    19. JS

      No, I mean, that's a fun one, yeah.

    20. RD

      [laughs]

    21. JS

      But when-

    22. RD

      He likes his fruit cut up-

    23. JS

      [laughs]

    24. RD

      ... when he's eating it, like a little baby, because his mom used to do it for him when he was younger. And when he goes back every single time, his mom cuts his fruit up into a little bowl-

    25. JS

      [laughs]

    26. RD

      ... and, um, he has a little assortment of fruit bowl every day, and he's like, "You know I really love it when my fruit's cut up."

    27. JS

      [laughs]

    28. RD

      So, um, that's what I've been doing, cutting up fruit midday, halfway through my work day.

    29. JS

      I haven't had it today, to be honest.

    30. RD

      I'm sitting there cutting up fruit-

Episode duration: 59:38

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