“If You Can’t Move On After a Breakup THIS Is Exactly What I’d Tell You to Do” with Jay Shetty

1. 0:00 – 0:53

   Intro

   1. JSJay Shetty0:00

      Stop ignoring red flags. You ignored the red flags because being chosen felt better than being alone. You ignored the red flags because your timeline liked the photos. You ignored the red flags because you thought love was supposed to hurt. The number one health and wellness podcast. Jay Shetty.

   2. SPSpeaker0:23

      Jay Shetty.

   3. JSJay Shetty0:23

      The one, the only Jay Shetty. [laughs] Hey, everyone. Welcome back to On Purpose. It's great to have you back here. Make sure you've subscribed, so you never miss an episode. I'm so glad that this year we started to film these solo episodes, and it's been incredible to see your engagement on them. Make sure you leave your comment, leave any questions you have. I'm always sifting through, and make sure you pass this video on to a friend or family member who may be struggling.

2. 0:53 – 3:18

   Are You Heartbroken?

   1. JSJay Shetty0:53

      Now, in the last week, I've had calls from three different people who were all broken up with, and each and every single one of them is completely heartbroken. Every single one of them has said to me they didn't see this coming. Every single one of them has said to me they think it's their fault, and every single one of them is saying to me they wish it would work out. They wish it could be good again. They wish they could be with this person again, and it's so heartbreaking to see how when someone breaks up with us, we immediately blame ourselves, we ignore red flags, we lose our self-awareness because we're not only taking responsibility for the failure of the relationship, we're also taking all the accountability. So what I wanted to create for you in this video was a no BS, direct, clear talking approach to what to do if you're going through a breakup. I think breakups can be the most difficult thing in the world, and if you've just been through one right now, the reason why it's so painful is it affects your confidence, it affects your future, it affects your self-worth, and it affects your loneliness and connection. It affects you on the deepest emotional, spiritual level because it challenges you and your worth to your very core. So if you know someone going through this, pass this along to them, and if you're someone who's going through it, make notes and listen carefully. One of the things people don't realize about a breakup is that you're actually going through grief. You're going through grief of what you thought you'd have with this person. You're going through the grief of who you thought this person was. You're going through the grief of who you were with this person. There is a lot of grief wrapped up into a breakup, and here's the first step. We need to learn to grieve without the fairy tale filter. A lot of us, we grieve with the fairy tale filter. We grieve what they promised us. We grieve what we wished we'd have with them. We grieve the potential, the dream state we created in our minds with this person,

3. 3:18 – 7:08

   Step #1: Let Go of the Fantasy You Created

   1. JSJay Shetty3:18

      and therefore, the first step is stop idealizing what it wasn't. Your brain is wired to romanticize the past, especially after rejection. It's called rosy retrospection, Gilbert and Wilson 2000. Rosy retrospection is this nostalgia that we all have. Oh, the good old days. Oh, that beautiful first date. Oh, that one anniversary. Oh, that one birthday. Your mind creates this rosy retrospection about these simple moments that maybe you haven't thought about, but all of a sudden come flooding back. But here's the truth. You're not missing them. You're missing the version of them you hoped existed. You're not missing them. You're missing the future they promised you. You're not missing them. You're missing who you thought they could become. You're not missing them. You're missing how you felt when you believed it was real. You're not missing them. You're missing the version of you that existed when you thought they loved you. You're not missing them. You're missing the story you were writing in your head. You're not missing them. You're missing the moments that made you forget the truth. Remember, you're not missing them. You're missing the comfort of certainty, even if it was fake. You're not missing them. You're missing the illusion that they were right for you, and this is so painful to acknowledge, which is why we push it off. It's why we avoid it. We never wanna accept that we have been sold a promise world. The majority of people that I've spoken to that were broken up with were more in love with the promise the person gave them than the reality they experienced. They were more in love with the dream that they wished for than the reality they experienced. They were more inspired by the potential of that person than the reality of that person. We all focus on the promise, the dream, and the potential more than the reality, the clarity, and the truth. We have to come back down to earth. The quicker you can be honest with yourself, the quicker you can heal. I'm not saying speed is important, but if you're someone who wants to move forward, it will take that approach.Here's what I want you to do. Write down what actually happened, what they actually did, and what they didn't do as well. See it clearly, no edits, no fantasy, just facts. Clarity is closure you give yourself, and you can only do that with facts, not fantasy. Most people, when I ask them, "How was the relationship?" They'll say, "You know, we were gonna move in together. You know, we were gonna get a dog together. You know what? We were gonna, we w- we were gonna, you know, get married. Like, that's what we..." And I was like, "Yes, but what was the relationship like?" Notice the difference, right? That's not the relationship. That's what you hoped was gonna happen in the future. What was the relationship like? "Uh, well, we pretty much argued every couple of weeks. I always felt distant. You know, over the last few months, it kinda just felt like we weren't connecting." Oh, so that's what the relationship was like. So you don't miss that because that sounds uncomfortable.

4. 7:08 – 8:45

   The Three Most Important Things in a Relationship

   1. JSJay Shetty7:08

      The three most important things in a romantic relationship are this: to feel safe, to feel seen, and to feel supported. If you don't feel safe, you don't have a foundation. When you walk into a building, when you walk into a home, when you're even walking down a street, the first thing you think about is safety. You don't wanna hurt yourself. When you enter a new relationship, ask yourself, "Does this person make me feel safe? Do I feel that they're reliable? Do I feel like they make me feel safe, secure?" The second is, do they make me feel seen? Are they present? Are they listening? Are they curious about me? Do I feel seen when I'm with them for who I am, or do I feel forced to project another version of myself? And the third is, do I feel supported? Do I feel supported in my goals? Do I feel supported in my search? And am I willing to do all three for them? When I speak to people going through a breakup, and I ask them what their relationship was really like, more often than not, most people feel two out of the three were not happening. People didn't feel safe, and they didn't feel seen, even if they felt supported. They didn't feel seen or supported, even though they say they feel safe. Look at the facts, not the fiction. Focus on the facts, not the fantasy.

5. 8:45 – 13:39

   Step #2: Stop the Obsession Spiral

   1. JSJay Shetty8:45

      Step #2 is interrupt the obsession loop. When you speak to someone who's gone through a breakup, they need to talk about the same thing multiple times. That's normal, by the way. That's how our mind processes. Sometimes we need to say the same thing in the same way, and someone else is thinking, "What is going on here?" But our brain is almost washing it, right? Think about it like a washing machine. A piece of clothing doesn't just go in the washing machine once and come out clean. The washing machine has to roll again and again and again and tumble again and again and again to get the dirt out. That's kind of how our brain works. That's how our mind functions. We have to continue to wash a thought to rinse it of the dirt and for it to be clean. So if you're repeating your thoughts again and again and again out loud, I promise you, you haven't gone crazy. I promise you, you haven't gone mad. It is the cleansing, detoxing process. But at some point, we have to interrupt the obsession loop because what happens, just as with an item of clothing, after 40 minutes, it has to come out of the washing machine. If it stays in there for another round, it may get stuck in there. It may start to lose the quality of the material. It may start to stretch, right? It's not ideal for it to stay in that process, so there is a moment where we have to interrupt that obsession loop. How do you know to do that? It's not a timing. You can't say that's gonna happen in one month. You can't say, "I'm gonna do it after one week." You're gonna know if you're present with the repetitive thoughts. At one point, you're gonna say, "I need to move on." If you practice number one, you'll know when to do number two. Remember, you're not weak for not moving on. You're chemically hooked. Breakups trigger the same brain regions as drug withdrawal. Every time you stalk their feed, replay a memory, or wonder what you did wrong, you strengthen the loop. Stop looking at your ex's social media. They're not your future. Stop checking who they're with. It won't help you heal. Stop watching their stories like they'll suddenly make sense. Stop searching for signs they miss you. They don't post about their grief. Stop waiting for closure from someone who walked away without it, and stop decoding their captions, even if you think they're written for you. Stop giving your peace to someone who already chose to lose it, and stop stalking their life like they're still in yours. Break the cycle. Block, mute, delete. So many of us don't break the loop because we stay obsessed and focused on that person's feed. You're looking at who they're with. You might even see them with someone, and all of a sudden, your mind goes crazy. Maybe they're dating. Maybe they're with someone else. Maybe they moved on quickly, and all of a sudden, you're messaging your friends going, "Did you see this? Can you find out for me?" What are you doing? You're strengthening the obsession loop. Now you're creating new stories.Right? Now you're creating new pain for yourself because you're exacerbating the problem. You're now getting involved in future pain because you're involved in future stories that you're not a part of. Up until now, you were just dealing with what you went through with them. Now they're still in your life even though they're not, which means they can cause you even more pain from afar because you can never check anything with them. You will never know how they felt or what they were going through. Remove triggers, playlists, photos, even scents. All of the scents, their clothing, the photos, the places you hung out have to be off bounds. Because what happens is we have a chemical connection to all of those things. There's a mental, emotional memory in all of those places, which keeps us stuck in the obsession loop. We have to learn to change our chemical connection. So what we're gonna do is we're gonna replace that rumination with a new routine. Moving your body, engaging your mind in new ways changes the chemicals. Don't wait to feel better. Break the loop to get better. We're waiting to feel better. We're waiting for them to make us feel better. We're waiting for our friends to make us feel better, but the only thing that can get you better is breaking the obsession loop.

6. 13:39 – 17:28

   Step #3: Kill the Narrative that It Was Your Fault

   1. JSJay Shetty13:39

      Step #3 is kill the narrative that it was all your fault. When there's no closure, the brain creates one, and it usually turns against you. It's called negativity bias. Your mind will fill in the blanks with worst-case self-blame. The biggest mistake you'll make after a breakup is you'll blame everything on yourself. You keep replaying the moments you wish you said something different. You keep thinking about all the things you got wrong and they got right. You keep thinking about all the moments you didn't show up and they did. All you can do is obsess over every time you said something wrong and they said something right. The biggest mistake you'll make is you'll keep replaying every time you could have done something differently and they acted perfectly. That is a mistake because you're not giving yourself grace, and you're taking accountability and responsibility for something that existed between two people, but you're making it all about you. Don't make something you shared all about you. Unless you're willing to also look at their challenges, their flaws, and their mistakes, don't get lost amplifying yours. Because here's the truth, relationships don't end because of one thing. They end because of many things. Mismatched timing, misaligned values, misaligned character. This is how to process a breakup. Write this down and say it until it sticks. I can take responsibility without taking all the blame. Because here's what I realized, when I really start to talk to people and coach people, they start to share all the red flags. They start to notice all the mistakes of the other person. They start to notice how their intuition knew. People always ask me, "How do I learn to trust other people?" The truth is learn to trust yourself. You'll never know whether you can trust someone or not, but if you trust yourself, you'll know when to stay and when to leave because you'll know what behavior you'll allow and what behavior you won't. The challenge is, and you know this, you ignored the red flags because you didn't want to start over. Stop ignoring red flags. You ignored the red flags because being chosen felt better than being alone. You ignored the red flags because they said all the right things, just never did them. You ignored the red flags because your timeline liked the photos. You ignored the red flags because they had potential, and you fell in love with that. You ignored the red flags because they apologized just enough. You ignored the red flags because you were afraid this might be your only shot. You ignored the red flags because you thought love was supposed to hurt. All of us ignore red flags because we're trying to trust the other person, not realizing we should focus on trusting ourself.

7. 17:28 – 19:42

   Step #4: Find Closure On Your Own Terms

   1. JSJay Shetty17:28

      Step #4, close the loop with your own ritual. Waiting for them to give you peace is giving away your power. Waiting for them to give you closure is leaving you unclear. Waiting for them to fix you is leaving you broken. Waiting for them to help you is leaving you unhealed. Create a closure ritual, something symbolic that tells your nervous system, "This chapter ends here." And you can try write them a letter, don't send it, and burn it. You can bury a photo. Delete the last message thread, then go for a walk with no phone. Closure isn't given, it's created.They won't give you closure. You have to give that to yourself. They won't rebuild your confidence. You have to do that from the ground up. They won't explain why they changed. You have to stop needing the answer. They won't make you whole, because you were never incomplete in the first place. They won't own the mess they made. You just have to stop standing in it. They won't meet you where you are. You just have to keep walking. A ritual could be a new commitment to yourself. A ritual could be a new commitment to a friend. A ritual is something that is changing your chemistry, changing your emotional space by adding something new to your life. What's happening is you're missing an old emotion, and your body and mind are dragging you to want that person back in your life. We often think we need a new person to replace an old person, but what we actually need is a new emotion, a new experience, a new connection to replace the old experience. A new set of chemicals, a new set of movement.

8. 19:42 – 21:37

   Step #5: Feeling Pain Doesn't Mean It Was Meant to Be

   1. JSJay Shetty19:42

      Step #5: Understand that pain doesn't mean you're meant to be. Just because you feel pain from a breakup doesn't mean you're meant to be. Just because you think you miss that person doesn't mean you're meant to be. Just because you think that they'll come back around doesn't mean they will. And while you're waiting, you don't grow. You don't become more attractive. You don't become the person you wanna be. You hurting doesn't mean they were your soulmate. It means you felt deeply. It means you have the capacity for love. It means you have the ability to give, and you're human. Pain isn't proof it was right. It's proof that you cared. Studies show emotional pain activates the same brain regions as physical injury. Think about this. I read one study that said that when you feel left out of the group chat, it feels like you broke your leg, right? There's a physical pain felt from an emotional discomfort. So when you're going through a breakup, it's going to feel like a punch in the gut. It's gonna feel like someone ripped your heart out of your chest and broke it into pieces. It feels like physical pain. So if you're feeling that, that's natural. But here's what you need to remember. Just because it hurts doesn't mean it was right. Remember what I said earlier. Love isn't about what feels the most exciting. It's about the person that makes you feel safe, seen, and supported. Someone breaking your heart open, ripping it out of your chest is not safe, seen, or supported.

9. 21:37 – 22:18

   Step #6: Redirect Your Energy

   1. JSJay Shetty21:38

      Step #6: Redirect the energy ruthlessly. Heartbreak gives you access to a fire most people never touch. Use it, channel it, move with it. Redesign your space. Take a course. Start lifting weights. Get a new passion. Write like your life depends on it. Psychologist Dr. Jordan Peterson calls this productive aggression. Instead of turning it inward, transmute it. Breakdowns make incredible fuel when you don't waste them on breaking down. You use the breakdown for a breakthrough. And

10. 22:18 – 24:46

    Step #7: Stop Waiting to Feel Ready

    1. JSJay Shetty22:18

       finally, step #7: Stop waiting to feel ready. You're not just getting over them, you're rebuilding you. After a breakup, your brain experiences an identity gap. You don't lose the person, you lose who you were with them. You don't lose the person, you lose who you wish you could be with them. You don't lose the person, you wish the future you you thought about that you'd be with them. So here's your job. Pick one thing that's yours, one thing they didn't influence, one version of you you want to grow into, and start acting from that place now. Not next month, not when you're healed, now. If you're going through a breakup, remember this. You're not trying to get back to who you were before them. You're becoming someone who they never got to meet. You didn't get closure, so give yourself something better, a new start. Take everything you learned. You don't need a blank slate. You actually want a slate filled with wisdom. Not because they moved on, but because you decided, so will you. I empathize with anyone going through this in their life right now. I create these videos and these podcast episodes in order to serve and support you and help you. I really hope that this can be your guiding light. We have so much more content dedicated to this on the podcast, on my YouTube channel. Make sure you search Jay Shetty breakup advice and find all the content you need. I also have some of the greatest experts in this space on the podcast, and I hope that they will guide you through this too. Thank you for trusting me. Thanks for being here, and I'll see you soon. Remember, I'm forever in your corner, and I'm always rooting for you. If you loved this episode, you're going to love my conversation with Matthew Hussey on how to get over your ex and find true love in your relationships.

    2. JSJay Shetty24:32

       People should be compassionate to themselves, but extend that compassion to your future self. Because truly extending your compassion to your future self is doing something that gives him or her a shot at a happy and a peaceful life

Episode duration: 24:46