Jay & His Wife Radhi ON: The BIGGEST LIE About Love & 3 Things To Look For In A Partner

Jay Shetty 0:00 I think a lot of the time in relationships you make someone feel broken because you keep fixing them, whereas if you teach people how to heal themselves, then you've actually helped them. So I always tell people that loving someone means you make them fall more in love with themselves-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 0:16 Yes

Jay Shetty 0:16 ... not more in love with you. The bestselling author and host. The number one health and wellness podcast. [laughs] On Purpose with Jay Shetty. Hey, everyone. Welcome back to On Purpose, the number one health podcast in the world. Thanks to each and every one of you that come back every week to become happier, healthier, and more healed. Now, today's guest is someone who's so hard to book, like, literally, like the most difficult. We, we book these incredible guests every single week, uh, and this person just, like, I just... It's so hard to find a spot in their schedule. Like, no matter how much you try, like, we've been working with their team for the last two years. This guest hasn't come on the show for the last two years. We're talking about the one and only, my heart, my wife, Radhi Devlukia.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 0:58 Ah. [laughs]

Jay Shetty 1:00 Two years it took to get you back on the show.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 1:01 I didn't even realize it's been two years. But also, what do we have to talk about every year?

Jay Shetty 1:05 [laughs]

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 1:06 In your yearly podcast.

Jay Shetty 1:08 Yeah.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 1:08 But also, I'm busy.

Jay Shetty 1:09 [laughs] It's an annual check-in.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 1:11 I know. It is, isn't it?

Jay Shetty 1:12 Yeah, and it's an annual check-in-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 1:13 Yeah, so sorry

Jay Shetty 1:14 ... us sharing our challenges, our wins-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 1:16 I know, I know

Jay Shetty 1:17 ... our, our successes.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 1:18 I can't believe it's been two years though.

Jay Shetty 1:19 It's been two years since you've been on the podcast.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 1:20 Yeah, it doesn't feel like it.

Jay Shetty 1:21 Yeah, it doesn't feel like that.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 1:22 But thank you for having me back on.

Jay Shetty 1:24 Yeah, I know. Sometimes it's just hard to, like, get you to-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 1:26 Number one health podcast in the world.

Jay Shetty 1:28 Sometimes it's hard to get you to walk from the house to the studio.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 1:30 I know, I know. [laughs]

Jay Shetty 1:31 Yeah, it's like 10 steps.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 1:33 Um, also-

Jay Shetty 1:35 Go on

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 1:35 ... 8 RULES OF LOVE.

Jay Shetty 1:36 Where's the jingle?

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 1:37 I know. I need to come up with one. I did have one for THINK LIKE A MONK, didn't I?

Jay Shetty 1:40 I know.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 1:40 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:40 Do you remember the THINK LIKE A MONK one?

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 1:42 Think like... No.

Jay Shetty 1:44 Think like a monk.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 1:45 Like a monk.

Jay Shetty 1:46 Yeah.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 1:46 Yeah, yeah. No, I do.

Jay Shetty 1:47 It's really good.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 1:47 Thank you. [laughs]

Jay Shetty 1:47 But 8 RULES OF LOVE?

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 1:48 I know. I'm gonna come up with one for that.

Jay Shetty 1:50 Okay.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 1:51 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:51 When?

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 1:52 It's gonna be more of a rap, I feel like, 'cause it's got a number in it.

Jay Shetty 1:54 But the book's already out. [laughs]

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 1:56 I know, I know, I know.

Jay Shetty 1:56 Yeah.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 1:57 I'm channeling.

Jay Shetty 1:58 What if someone makes a jingle before you?

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 1:59 I need to read the book, and then I'll get inspiration from it.

Jay Shetty 2:02 Oh, yeah, Radhi doesn't read my books.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 2:03 I'm gonna read... I actually finished THINK LIKE A... well, nearly finished with THINK LIKE A MONK. I've taken a break from it. It was just so good. I need time to digest. 8 RULES OF LOVE I'm gonna start on the plane journey today. And I started listening to the podcast a month ago.

Jay Shetty 2:18 [laughs]

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 2:18 It's a brilliant podcast. Everyone who's listening, you should listen to all the other five, 300 episodes that I've... How many have you done?

Jay Shetty 2:26 Uh, four years, 150 episodes. No.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 2:30 No, more.

Jay Shetty 2:30 Four years, 100 episodes a year, so 400.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 2:32 Oh my gosh. I've got so much to catch up on, but it's really good, honestly.

Jay Shetty 2:36 Thanks. I appreciate it. [laughs]

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 2:37 [laughs]

Jay Shetty 2:38 So we're actually recording this in a place that's quite meaningful to Radhi and I. When we first started dating, this was a place that we'd come for walks, uh, for tea, for hanging out together. It's The Grove Hotel. It's, uh, it's a beautiful, beautiful place, and we're so grateful that today we're getting to record this podcast here. I can't wait to go outside and take a walk here and enjoy the grounds. It's a really special place to us. So excited to be here at The Grove.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 3:04 Yeah, I love this place.

Jay Shetty 3:05 I love it. But this is gonna be fun, because as always, what we do when Radhi's on the show is we answer questions that my team comes up with. So my team will, uh, randomly find ideas and thoughts and topics for us to talk about. We have no idea. We've never seen them, and so you truly get a genuine, raw, authentic conversation-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 3:23 Yeah, haven't an idea what we're gonna talk about

Jay Shetty 3:24 ... from me and Radhi. We have no idea. I will be bringing up some stuff Radhi's been working on in the background, which I'm excited about. Uh, but yeah. All right. So the first question our team wants us to answer is, what was the first... What were, what the... So what our team wants us to start with is, what did we love each o-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 3:40 What did-

Jay Shetty 3:40 So what-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 3:40 The, the, the question that our team wants us to answer first is, what did we love most about each other first? What did we love, what do we love most about each other now? What's changed, what's different, and why?

Jay Shetty 3:53 Well said. Well done. You're good at this host-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 3:54 I should basically be the host of this show.

Jay Shetty 3:55 You should basically have a podcast.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 3:56 I should have a podcast. [laughs] Um, okay. So I feel like it's pretty much still the same stuff that was from the beginning. You're very consistently the same person, in a really good way. Like, you're a solid human. You really are, like, the same... Why are you laughing? [laughs]

Jay Shetty 4:14 You know, it's the same stuff really. [laughs]

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 4:15 It's the same, same stuff, but in, like, the best way, because

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 4:18 you have been consistently the same person. You said you would... The things that you would be at the beginning of the relationship, you are still that person. All the good stuff. Um, and what would they be? Let me tell you.

Jay Shetty 4:31 [laughs]

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 4:32 They are-

Jay Shetty 4:33 [laughs]

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 4:34 They are... You know what's funny about this? I'm not a PDA person, and I feel like this is where the podcast gets it all, because it's, uh, consis- like, questions about it. You were extremely honest a- about who you were at the beginning, which was, think was really important. Like, you always told me what you were happy to do, not happy to do, your priorities, your values. The main thing is your integrity between what you say and what you do, and who you are on camera and who you are off camera. It's literally the same person. Like, what you talk about is the same person as who you are behind closed doors. Um, and I think that that's such a beautiful quality, 'cause I think, like, living with integrity allows you to give yourself so authentically, which means that you're able to just give love constantly, because you're, you're constantly fueled by yourself. But also, you're just forever living in alignment, which is the... Like, people feel that energy from you, and I feel like I feel that every single day, which is really cool.

Jay Shetty 5:31 Thanks for that. I actually think that what I loved about you when we first met was that you've always been absolutely adorable. You're absolutely hilarious. You're still one of the fu-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 5:42 I, I want something more.

Jay Shetty 5:43 I, I, I lo- no, I'm saying what-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 5:44 I'm taking it, I'm taking it

Jay Shetty 5:44 ... when we first met.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 5:46 [laughs]

Jay Shetty 5:46 Yeah, you're, you're hilarious. Like, I think you're one of the funniest people I know. You make me laugh all the time.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 5:51 Thanks.

Jay Shetty 5:52 And I think I love that I could always be myself around you. I never felt judged.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 5:57 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 5:57 And I never felt I had to be a certain person. I never felt like I had to perform or act in a certain way. And I think you really give people permission. I don't think you just do that with me, I think you do that with everyone. You give everyone permission to be who they are, and they don't feel pressurized to impress you or change who they are, mold themselves to be more important to you. You like to make everyone feel important for who they are. And I also fell in love with just how positive you are in a sense of, not positive in the way people think about it, like, "Oh, you're just happy about everything," but positive in the sense that you never liked gossiping about people, or you never liked criticizing people, or you never liked comparing yourself to other people. Like, you were very happy to let people live their own lives and not get involved in anything negative to do with them, but be happy within yourself, and I thought that was beautiful.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 6:47 Thanks.

Jay Shetty 6:48 And I think what's changed, or, and obviously I still love you for all the same things, but I think what's really amazing is I think you've been on a huge journey to get to know yourself-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 6:56 Yeah, for sure

Jay Shetty 6:57 ... over the last few years. So we've been together now for nearly 10 years.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 7:00 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 7:01 And we've been married for seven, nearly.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 7:03 Mm-hmm.

Jay Shetty 7:04 And I feel like in the last seven years you've truly found yourself, and you've discovered who you are-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 7:10 No, I'm trying, trying

Jay Shetty 7:10 ... and what matters to you, and what your values are.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 7:12 [laughs]

Jay Shetty 7:12 And yeah, trying, but a lot has been revealed. And I think I love you for going on that journey so confidently when you were scared to move to New York when we first got married.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 7:25 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 7:25 So from going from the person who was scared to move to a new city and a new country, which is fair enough to be scared for, to now be someone who's used that as a way of learning about yourself and becoming more confident in who you are, I love you for that, because I think that that takes a lot of courage. And I think that it would've been easy to be negative about that, but you didn't do that.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 7:45 Thanks.

Jay Shetty 7:46 Yeah.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 7:47 Amazing.

Jay Shetty 7:48 This is fun.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 7:49 Wonderful.

Jay Shetty 7:49 [laughs]

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 7:50 Brilliant. [laughs]

Jay Shetty 7:51 So the next topic that we're gonna discuss is Radhi and I have been on a crazy adventure in the last seven years. We've moved country, we've moved state, uh, we've moved apartments, [laughs] we've moved homes, and the question is, how has our relationship changed? How has it been impacted by all of this, and what have we learned along the way? I think it's, it's really interesting going back to that first question we answered, because I feel like I've stayed so much the same.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 8:14 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 8:15 I look at how it's affected me as being very, like, similar in the sense that I've just kept my head down, I've kept working, I've kept building, kept growing, kept trying to do my best. But I think that it just made me realize how not co-dependent and how tolerant you are.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 8:34 Mm.

Jay Shetty 8:35 It's really interesting to me. Like, I don't think ... And this is

Jay Shetty 8:38 to your credit. It's, I, again, I think I'm a good partner, but more to your credit that in the last seven years you've never once said to me, "You don't spend enough time with me, you're never around," or, "You don't listen to me." And, like, that is amazing. Like, I think that requires so much maturity from you to be so happy in yourself and finding your own self, because I think even though I never want you to feel those things, like, I feel like I'm sensitive to those things as well.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 9:04 Yeah, yeah.

Jay Shetty 9:04 I still feel like if I told you, "Hey, I've gotta jump on a flight tomorrow, I'm gonna be gone for two weeks," that would just be normal to you. Like, you wouldn't ever make me feel bad or guilty about that. And so I think that it's made me appreciate you more, because we've actually been through so many of the biggest changes. There's a study that showed, like, the changes that stress people out the most, and even put stress on relationships, and it's moving countries up there, moving job is up there, moving home is up there, and then I think it's having kids. So we've literally done three out of the four constantly over the last seven years, and the fact that we've constantly found a way to find our way back to each other and connect with each other, and had the openness to not just point the finger and blame or ... I've j- I've just never felt like it's been my fault if life's been harder or easier. And so there were times when, when we were close to being four months away from being broke, and you didn't change how you felt. And now that things are better you haven't changed towards me. And so I just feel like that kind of support is really special, where you just feel like someone's consistently in your corner, and that's how I feel with you.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 10:11 Oh, thanks. I do feel those things. I think again it goes back to the consistency. Because you're the same person it's not been something that you didn't ... It was always on the table. Like, change was always on the table. And I think now my perspective has changed in the sense of before I felt like I really knew where I would be living, what I would be doing. You know, before we got married, I had an idea of what that would be. Now I feel like I live more day to day, year to year, not even, like, expecting what the next year's gonna bring, or, like, not allowing myself to build expectations of what the next year's gonna bring, because I know there c- like, change is just always happening. And I think I used to be someone who was quite scared of change generally, and this has really helped me not be like that, because we've had so many changes that it's, it's alm- I feel like it's a better way of living where there's no expectation of what's coming next. You just kind of live in the flow of what's happening. So yeah, I think in, in that respect, I think the change, change part for me was scary at the beginning but became something that I was quite excited to embrace, 'cause it felt like ... It kind of felt more like freedom rather than like ... Even though I, even though when you're not in control you feel like that wouldn't be freedom, actually not expecting to be in control and not knowing what's gonna happen feels more free than having that control or thinking you have that control. But then also I have those times where I'm like, "Oh, this is great," and then, like, the next minute I'm like, "I just wanna go away to a forest and do, like, and just hide away." Like, I feel like I go in, like, s- such two different directions, and I feel like you deal with that really well, because I am someone who can go from being, like, so excited about something to then being like, "Oh, I just wanna delete my Instagram and go live in a forest for, like, s- six weeks and not talk to anyone." And you're like, "Okay. [laughs] Okay, if that's what you need." [laughs] Um-

Jay Shetty 11:56 [laughs] I'd love for you to do that

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 11:57 ... and so ... Yeah, I know, I know. I just, I have quite, like, an erraticness about me. So I feel like you, uh, you handle that pretty- Pretty well. [laughs]

Jay Shetty 12:06 No, I think you've handled the change remarkably well. I don't know anyone else who'd be able to handle how much change we've been through-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 12:12 Yeah, I've had a lot

Jay Shetty 12:12 ... in the way you have.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 12:13 [laughs]

Jay Shetty 12:14 So in my book, 8 RULES OF LOVE, I talk about how we play different roles in relationships. And if you have the book, there's a relationship roles quiz, so you can find out which role you've been playing-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 12:26 Ooh

Jay Shetty 12:26 ... in previous relationships or in this one. So the team have asked us to answer the question: If we're usually a parent, a partner, or a child in a relationship, where do we find those dynamics in the way we connect with each other? So where do you feel? Let's start with where do we feel we're the parents?

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 12:44 Um, we're the parents.

Jay Shetty 12:46 I think you've been my parent when it comes to-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 12:49 It's in, like, food and nutrition

Jay Shetty 12:49 ... me eating healthy.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 12:51 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 12:51 Yeah. I get the look. Imagine I had, like, lots of sugar right now in front of me. [laughs]

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 12:55 [laughs]

Jay Shetty 12:55 Like, how would you look at me? [laughs]

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 12:58 [laughs]

Jay Shetty 12:59 Like, so you're the parent when it comes to my food, 'cause I'm the kid when it comes to food. Like, I'm the kid who wants to eat Sour Patch Kids.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 13:06 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 13:06 I'm the kid who wants to eat, like, candy. I'm the kid who wants to eat chocolate.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 13:11 Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Jay Shetty 13:11 Like, that's all I wanna do because of my mom, who's sitting here as well.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 13:14 [laughs]

Jay Shetty 13:14 My mom fed me four chocolate products a day-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 13:17 That's great

Jay Shetty 13:17 ... when I was growing up.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 13:18 I love that.

Jay Shetty 13:18 Chocolate biscuit, chocolate yogurt, chocolate bar, chocolate ice cream. So I became addicted, and then this parent

Jay Shetty 13:25 has been un- uh, learning me from eating sugar. So yeah, that's where you're definitely the parent.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 13:28 I also love some sugar in my life.

Jay Shetty 13:30 Yeah, but you're, you're a bit more.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 13:31 Yeah, yeah. [laughs]

Jay Shetty 13:32 You've, you've had to wean me off of it.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 13:34 Mm-hmm.

Jay Shetty 13:34 So yeah, you've been a parent when it comes to that. I've been the child.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 13:36 You've definitely been a parent in, uh, you know, they call it, like, midlife crisis? I have, like, a weekly or monthly crisis. [laughs] You're definitely the parent in that. So I'm like, "I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what, I don't know whether I wanna do what I'm doing right now. I don't know whether what I'm doing is the right thing. I don't know whether I love it. I don't know whether I like it. I don't know who I am." That's pretty much what happens every month. Um, and you're definitely the parent in that situation.

Jay Shetty 14:01 Yeah.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 14:01 But parent/partner. Like, you, you're not, like, telling me what to do. You're kind of guiding me through it. So I say you're also... I feel like you're not very parent-y in many ways.

Jay Shetty 14:10 You're not parenty in the health stuff either. Like, I've, I've always said, like, I've never felt-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 14:13 Yeah, I know what you mean

Jay Shetty 14:13 ... judged and criticized or, like, it's not like you're like, "Oh," telling me off.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 14:17 But, like, guiding.

Jay Shetty 14:18 But guiding, yeah.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 14:18 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 14:18 Parent is just the person who's making you, looking after you when you're being childlike.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 14:22 Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Jay Shetty 14:22 Being childlike.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 14:23 I definitely am-

Jay Shetty 14:24 Yeah. Yeah

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 14:24 ... that in that situation, yeah.

Jay Shetty 14:26 Yeah. I think-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 14:27 That and, like, running late for things.

Jay Shetty 14:29 Oh, yeah.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 14:30 And getting to places on time, and making sure I, like, actually follow through with things, plan out my life. Yeah. [laughs]

Jay Shetty 14:40 [laughs] I feel like, I feel like I'm a child sometimes when I'm, like, like just being a, being a, literally being a child, where I'm just like, "Love me now," like [laughs] just being like a kid about, like, wanting attention, and just being a bit moody, and-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 14:57 You're lucky you don't, like, throw yourself on the floor and throw a tantrum.

Jay Shetty 14:59 No. I'm close to it sometimes though.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 15:01 [laughs]

Jay Shetty 15:01 But I'll still put that voice on sometimes-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 15:03 Yeah, you do

Jay Shetty 15:03 ... as if I am doing that. So then that's when I'm, like-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 15:05 Mm-hmm

Jay Shetty 15:06 ... being a child, for sure.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 15:07 Mm-hmm.

Jay Shetty 15:07 When else?

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 15:09 I think that's it.

Jay Shetty 15:09 That's it?

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 15:10 I don't think you're much of a child in that respect.

Jay Shetty 15:12 Yeah. That's it.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 15:12 So parent, and then chi- oh, we're on child now.

Jay Shetty 15:15 No, parent, child, and partner. So partner is when you're, like, actually supporting each other.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 15:18 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 15:19 And I think we do that overall.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 15:21 Mm-hmm.

Jay Shetty 15:21 I'd say that that's overall where we end up.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 15:22 Yeah. I agree.

Jay Shetty 15:23 I think you've been my partner for my health. I think, I think you've been a great partner when it comes to, like, encouraging me to exercise more and work out. Like, when we met, I did so much for my mind, but I never exercised my body. I, I just played sports, or I walked and I thought that was enough, and you were the one who was, like, training me and encouraging me and educating me. And then during the pandemic, we worked out together nearly every day.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 15:44 Yeah. Yeah.

Jay Shetty 15:44 Which I miss, 'cause then she left me to work out with people who actually know how to work out. So, like, with me, you, like-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 15:48 What are you saying about me?

Jay Shetty 15:49 No, that's what I'm saying. As in, like, you were my kid.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 15:52 Oh, I left you.

Jay Shetty 15:53 You left me to work out with people who actually know how to work out.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 15:55 Oh, yeah, yeah.

Jay Shetty 15:56 Because that was you parenting me. Like, you'd be like, "Let's work out together."

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 15:59 [laughs] This is what we do.

Jay Shetty 15:59 This is what we do. Like, this is what you call a squat.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 16:02 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 16:02 Like, you know, and then all of a sudden, now you, uh, you just start, like, real workout classes.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 16:06 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 16:07 And I'm not allowed to come to those.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 16:08 Yeah. No, you are.

Jay Shetty 16:09 Yeah, I wouldn't wanna come. [laughs]

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 16:10 No. Um, I feel like you, partner, again, just day-to-day stuff, but I definitely think you helped me to have, like, figure out my own voice through not just giving to me what I'm asking for, but to help me, you know, f- see my own journey through figuring it out, and I think that takes a lot. 'Cause it kind of is, you know, it takes a lot of patience to do that, and I think it's, the easier option is actually just being like, "Okay, here, just take, just, just do this," and just, you know, "This is how you can fix this, and this is how you do this." And I always, I'm someone who has a habit of not being certain in my own decisions. And so I think you really help to let me navigate, even though I'll be like, "No, just tell me, like, what should I do?" And you'll be like, "No, I'm not telling you what to do. Like, I'm gonna show you how you can get to the answer." You wouldn't say this, but that's how you would act. Like, "I'm gonna show you how to get to the answer, but I'm not gonna just give it to you like that, 'cause then you're never gonna be able to do that for yourself." And so I feel like you really did guide through, through that as partner.

Jay Shetty 17:14 Yeah. I think a lot of the time in relationships, you make someone feel broken because you keep fixing them.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 17:22 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 17:22 And if you keep fixing them, then that means they remain broken. And then whenever they feel broken, they have to run to you and depend on you.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 17:30 Right.

Jay Shetty 17:30 Whereas if you teach people how to heal themselves and-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 17:33 That's so true

Jay Shetty 17:34 ... navigate life themselves, then you've actually helped them. So I always tell people that loving someone means you make them fall more in love with themselves-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 17:44 Yes

Jay Shetty 17:44 ... not more in love with you.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 17:45 And not more dependent on you.

Jay Shetty 17:47 Yeah.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 17:47 That's so true, actually. And again, that takes so much more, I think that takes so much more patience to do it that way than it does to just be like, "Okay, fine. Let me just do it for you." Like, you know, it feels like the fa- it's actually the faster option. You think you're sacrificing more by being that person that's fixing, but actually, it's more of a selfish way of dealing with it From my experience of doing it for other people around me and in other relationships around me, that you end up being someone who, yeah, it, actually thinking about it, it's probably more of a selfish thing, 'cause it also allows you to feel more important.

Jay Shetty 18:17 Yeah.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 18:18 Versus letting them feel their importance, um, and their value.

Jay Shetty 18:23 I think a lot of people love people being dependent on them-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 18:26 Definitely

Jay Shetty 18:27 ... because it gives them a sense of significance.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 18:29 Definitely. Especially if you don't know what you're doing in your life or if you feel like you're a bit lost, helping other people, and although that's a great thing when you help other people, but the intention behind it and what you're receiving from it can make a huge difference in how you actually feel about it. So, like, if you're helping someone through intention of genuinely caring for them, genuinely helping them, or are you helping them because it fuels you into feeling valuable and therefore... Like, for me, I remember it used to be just a way that I would throw myself into so I didn't have to think about what I was doing in my life or how to figure out my own things. It was just, "Oh, this is great. I, I need to be doing this. This person needs my help. I need to, uh, like, create this space for myself in their life, because then I don't have to think about all the important stuff I actually need to deal with," so it was the easier option and, and more of a selfish option.

Jay Shetty 19:18 Yeah.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 19:19 Um, yeah, that's very true.

Jay Shetty 19:20 So the next topic is that sometimes your partner can be extremely annoying or you find them annoying.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 19:27 [laughs]

Jay Shetty 19:27 In that case, when have me and Radhi ever experienced that? When is that as far as a deal breaker and how to deal with feeling annoyed by your partner?

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 19:37 I don't think you've annoyed me.

Jay Shetty 19:40 Wow.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 19:40 Like, you're not an annoying person [laughs] in that way. Like, I feel like, yeah, there are things that irritate me, and I'll have a-

Jay Shetty 19:46 What, go on

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 19:47 ... I, I don't really remember stuff like that, but there-

Jay Shetty 19:50 This is the best thing when-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 19:51 Yeah, I have a terrible memory

Jay Shetty 19:52 ... you forget the bad stuff and you forget the good stuff. It's brilliant.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 19:54 Yeah, forget all. You can't have, you can't have one or the other. You either have, uh, you have both.

Jay Shetty 19:57 [laughs]

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 19:57 Um, but I would, I would say that obviously there are times where I've got agitated and been really snappy. I definitely have more of a short

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 20:05 fuse than you do. Um, and I have a, not tantrums. I wouldn't call them tantrums.

Jay Shetty 20:11 [laughs]

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 20:11 But I definitely can be more defensive and have more of an ego about arguing, but that's very difficult when the other person doesn't have that, and that's probably the most annoying thing that you do, that it's like I wanna have a fight, and you're just, like, trying to resolve it within the f- first three seconds when I'm still in fight mode. And I'm like, "For goodness sake, just fight a little bit. Like, please, just, just give me something." [laughs] And he's just always trying to just make things better. It's so annoying. [laughs]

Jay Shetty 20:40 [laughs] That's okay.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 20:41 Um, that's it really. [laughs]

Jay Shetty 20:43 [laughs] No, come on. I must do stuff to annoy you.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 20:45 No, yeah, that is the, the thing that annoys me.

Jay Shetty 20:47 [laughs]

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 20:47 As in, because sometimes you just need to have a fight. Sometimes you just need to, like, argue it out, say things you don't mean, you know, just [laughs] really-

Jay Shetty 20:55 No, you never

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 20:55 ... I know, I don't say things I don't mean.

Jay Shetty 20:56 You've never said something you don't mean.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 20:57 I don't say things that I mean.

Jay Shetty 20:57 You've never said-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 20:57 But what I mean is just, like-

Jay Shetty 20:59 You've never said anything-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 20:59 ... sometimes you just wanna have it out

Jay Shetty 21:00 ... you've never said something mean to me.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 21:01 And with you, it's like me going, "Uh, uh, uh"

Jay Shetty 21:03 [laughs]

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 21:04 And you're going...

Jay Shetty 21:04 [laughs]

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 21:05 That's basically how our fights go. [laughs]

Jay Shetty 21:07 You've never said something mean to me or something that you didn't mean.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 21:09 No. Okay, I don't. I don't say-

Jay Shetty 21:10 Yeah, yeah, that's true

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 21:10 ... that's true. I'm very thoughtful about my words.

Jay Shetty 21:12 Yeah.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 21:12 Like, I really, with everybody that I talk to and-

Jay Shetty 21:14 Yeah, yeah, yeah

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 21:15 ... that I argue with, I may say things irrationally, but I never say things that I don't mean, or I'm very specific with my words.

Jay Shetty 21:21 Yeah, I would, yeah, I don't think you have.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 21:21 But I'm just saying sometimes I like to, you know, have a bit of a tiff.

Jay Shetty 21:24 Yeah. Yeah. I, yeah, but I, I would, I would agree that I, I genuinely don't believe you've ever said something you don't mean or said some- like, I don't think you've said something harsh. You might be upset with me and, or irritated-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 21:34 Yeah

Jay Shetty 21:34 ... or annoyed by me.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 21:35 I think I just go silent or I don't say things.

Jay Shetty 21:37 Yeah.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 21:38 That's probably the thing that annoys you.

Jay Shetty 21:40 No, not anymore. That used to, but I talk about that in the book-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 21:43 Oh, do you?

Jay Shetty 21:43 ... and how I learned about that, yeah.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 21:45 Oh.

Jay Shetty 21:45 Yeah. [laughs]

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 21:45 [laughs]

Jay Shetty 21:46 Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 21:46 That's the other thing. You know what I, no, you know what the other thing is? I never know what's gonna be in podcasts. Never know what's gonna be a podcast. Never know what's gonna be in a book. I didn't even know that there was gonna be a love book, but somehow there's a book about love, and it happens to do with us. I'm quite private with certain things, and then suddenly it's all over the news. It's everywhere. And I just, sometimes I think about it, I'm like, "I don't think I had a choice in this." [laughs]

Jay Shetty 22:07 [laughs] Oh, is that-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 22:08 No

Jay Shetty 22:08 ... so does that annoy you then?

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 22:10 Um, I think there is certain times I'm like, "Oh," but, but I also think it's like a, it's a personal choice of how much you wanna share about different parts of your life. And I think it's like-

Jay Shetty 22:19 Now we're realizing it. [laughs]

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 22:20 Uh, no, not in a bad way at all. Like, I think you are just someone that really wears every, like, your heart on your sleeve. You're someone who wants to share things, to, to give lessons and experiences to people. You're never someone who shares to show off. You're never someone who shares to prove a point to anybody. Like, you are so wise with how you share things, and that's why it's not an annoying thing. I don't mean an annoying thing, but-

Jay Shetty 22:42 No, no, no. It's fair

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 22:42 ... it's, it's one of those things it's, I'm sure there are different types of partners, where one person's, like, way more... Like, I, everybody always says to me like, "Oh my God, you're so eccentric. Like, I can't believe that you don't like doing things in public or that you don't..." And it's such an interesting thing, because you would, you na- your nature is, like, you, your nature is to be around people, in front of people, in terms of, like, you are so... You exude that. You thrive off it. Like, that's when I think that that's when your nature is, it's when you thrive off something, like, part of it at least. Whereas for me, it's something I definitely learnt to grow into, and it's something that I absolutely love. Like, I love sharing things with people, but I think the way that you share, like, you're, you're a very open person, and so it's less annoying thing. It's just something I randomly thought of-

Jay Shetty 23:26 Yeah, yeah

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 23:26 ... that like, yeah, actually, I don't, I don't know. Like, some people would tell me, "Oh, I've heard this about you on the podcast," and I was like, "Oh my God, I didn't even know that was on the podcast."

Jay Shetty 23:33 [laughs]

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 23:34 Or like, "I didn't even know this was in the book." And so I think it's just, it's different ways, and it's just understanding the person's intention behind it. So it doesn't upset me. I think I'm very different in terms of how I share about us, but, um, it's like, it's, you're also in the relationship.

Jay Shetty 23:49 Yeah, but I really appreciate that kind of lens to it, because I think someone else could be upset. But I, I, you're right. I only share our ups or downs or challenges because I want people to recognize that there is no perfect partnership. And I think when we first started sharing about our relationship-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 24:07 That's why I stopped

Jay Shetty 24:08 ... th- yeah, that's why you stopped

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 24:09 Because I hate being seen. Like, I find it really suffocating when if people think anything about perfection to do with me, because I know I'm not that person. I'm not that person in a rel- I'm like, trust me, he wrote this book for me to read because I need the stuff that's in the book. But, like, I genuinely don't feel that I'm a perfect person, and so I find it really suffocating and kind of difficult to handle.

Jay Shetty 24:31 No, and so do I. And so do I, and that's my point, that the reason why I started talking about ... Oh, are you all right? Shall I get a tissue? Aw. You okay? You all right? You want a tissue, love? You want some water or something? [sniffs] You okay, love? That was, that was so beautiful. I'll show you how.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 25:00 For your thing?

Jay Shetty 25:01 Yeah.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 25:01 [sniffs] Thanks.

Jay Shetty 25:03 Oh. Thanks for showing me. Just break your mic.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 25:10 I'm a crier, everyone. Okay? [laughs] [sniffs] I cry when I'm happy, I cry when I'm angry, I cry when I'm sad. [laughs]

Jay Shetty 25:17 Yeah.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 25:17 I cry with every emotion. It's just how I release things. For anyone who doesn't know that, I've spoken about that a thousand times, so don't worry if you see me cry. [laughs]

Jay Shetty 25:25 Yeah. S- I'm not telling you to stop crying or anything.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 25:26 No, I know, I know. I'm just telling the-

Jay Shetty 25:27 Yeah. That's actually why I started to share, and we always did, but, like, share, like, fights that we had or challenges that we had, or things like that, because I just found that I too don't ever want to portray a perfect image of me, of me and you, of, of anything in my life, because no one's perfect. We're all making mistakes. We're all a work in progress. And the last thing I want is for people to think that me and you never fight, or that me and you have it all figured out, or that we're not having to transition and grow, because we have to do all those things all the time.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 25:59 And I think the mistake that happens though sometimes with, like, obviously, like, the question I, the question I get asked all the time now that you've written a book about love obviously, [laughs] is like, "Oh my gosh," and you are, you're ... Like, just to be clear, Jay's literally, like, one of the most amazing partners you could ever ask for. But they assume that the relationship is just ... Like, I just don't like the idea of perfection. I find that with my stuff as well. Like, because people think that you're just a positive person, and same with you, you must get that all the time where it's like, "Oh my gosh, you must never get upset," and you must ... "You just seem happy all the time." And I'm like, and then it makes you want to kind of be like, "Oh, I'm sad today, everyone." And I'm like, I choose what I share because I don't wanna share that energy with people, because I know the energy I want other people to feel when they watch my things or when they experience it. That doesn't mean I don't ha- harness that energy within me. It's what I then choose to let other people experience, and I think that's also important to know what you're giving out to people. I know that if someone's sad around me, that's gonna make me sad. And so, sorry.

Jay Shetty 26:58 I'm sorry.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 26:59 And when people are happy it's the same thing. And so I'd rather give off contagious happy energy than sad, but that doesn't mean people don't feel it.

Jay Shetty 27:06 Yeah. Definitely. Definitely. I fully agree with you. And, and that's why I talk about, I mean, I've constantly been talking about, like, when I get irritated or when I get agitated, or like I always talk about how I get more moody and I can get snappy and-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 27:20 Yeah

Jay Shetty 27:20 ... all those things with you. And, and that's what I talk about in the book, about how when I get, when we have a fight, I wanna solve it. When we have a fight, you wanna hide. And so I call it venting and hiding. And then there's another one called exploding, which are the three fight styles. Exploding is when someone just wants to let all their emotions out.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 27:38 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 27:38 And we found a way where in the beginning when you used to wanna hide, or you take some time out, and I wanted to vent, in the beginning, I used to think you didn't care. And so I literally would feel like you didn't love me as much-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 27:50 Yeah

Jay Shetty 27:50 ... or you didn't care as much, and I would say that to you.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 27:52 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 27:53 Only to realize that none of that was true. What I realized was that's just how you process-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 27:58 Mm-hmm

Jay Shetty 27:58 ... an argument.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 27:59 Mm-hmm.

Jay Shetty 27:59 And learning that that's how you process an argument, and that what I'm doing isn't right, it's just how I process an argument-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 28:06 Yeah

Jay Shetty 28:06 ... helps you realize that you could actually be on the same team.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 28:09 Mm-hmm.

Jay Shetty 28:09 And then saying, "Okay, let's get back to this in 12, 24 hours," we can actually come back having digested what the problem is-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 28:16 Yeah

Jay Shetty 28:16 ... and talk about the problem. And so I shared those kind of examples of our relationship in order to help people understand that even I used to think you didn't love me because you wanted to not talk to me for two days.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 28:27 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Jay Shetty 28:27 But that's not true. You just needed time to think about it. And just because I wanted to talk about it now doesn't mean I care more.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 28:34 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 28:34 But that's how we think about things. We all think we care more-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 28:37 Yeah

Jay Shetty 28:37 ... in the way we act.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 28:38 Right, right, right.

Jay Shetty 28:38 Or that someone else cares less.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 28:40 Yeah, it's true.

Jay Shetty 28:40 And so, yeah, and, and I've-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 28:43 I th-

Jay Shetty 28:43 Yeah

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 28:43 ... yeah, I think it's just, it's that thing of whenever you're sharing things about, you know, you share so many different topics, and there's so many things that you speak on. And, you know, when it was purpose I'm sure you got lots of questions about purpose. When it's love you get so many questions about love, and I just think there's this, like, I, I think I'm still learning to do ... Or y- you've already, I feel like you have this thing of not, you're very good at digesting not really knowing what your intentions are, knowing what you're grounded in, knowing your purpose, and therefore what other people's perception of that is doesn't affect you as much. I think I'm still working through the, like, pressure of perfection, which I'm just like, it's so hard to be like, "I'm just not perfect." Like, it's not, I'm, I'm not happy all the time, I'm not this all the time. But it's very difficult to vocalize that in a way that's not like, "Oh, okay, you're just saying that because", you know? It's, it's, it's so

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 29:29 hard to communicate it to people if they've already got that perception of you. And I think that's why sometimes I hide away or shy away from, like, discussing certain things, because for me it's like I just, I find that too difficult to, at the moment, something that I'm dealing with myself of like that's not what ... Like, whenever, yeah, that's just the phase of my life that, that I'm in right now.

Jay Shetty 29:49 I think, I think everyone in the world is looking for perfection-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 29:54 Yeah, but it's just-

Jay Shetty 29:54 ... in somebody else.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 29:55 Yeah, yeah.

Jay Shetty 29:55 No, but there's a part of us that like-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 29:57 Totally, you wanna know like what is that?

Jay Shetty 29:58 ... deeply wants it. Yeah.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 29:59 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 29:59 Yeah, yeah. Like, everyone-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 29:59 And it's, it's like once you know ... Because perfection in, when I think about it and, and have tried to think about that mindset, it's like, okay, because perfection equals happiness in, in minds. Like, and I can understand. It's like whenever I see someone who I think, whatever perfect is to me, has that perfect life- I'm like, "Oh, that is what happy is." And I think it's just through my own thing of whenever I've got the things that I think mean perfection or what people per- like, the things that people perceive of you as being perfect, you're like, "That doesn't make me feel happy at all." Like, those things that you're saying to me or messaging me saying that, "Oh, you've got this," which is like, that's, that's like the perfect this, or whether it's to do with physical appearance or ment- mental state or whatever it is. It's like there's so many parts to perfection that people think equal perfection, but it's like when you hear that from the other side, I'm like, "Oh, wow, if that's perfection, like, that hasn't made me happy." And so I think there's, for me, when I think about perfection now, it's like I've realized stripping back so much to be like, what is ... What would make me the most happy? And that's what perfection is. And to me right now, it's really leaning back into my spiritual journey and, like, really trying to harness that. 'Cause I know that was the only thing that made me so happy. Not only, but, like, the main thing that made me so happy, and that, that includes the people around you who really support that. But I think when you end up just constantly hearing what perfect is and what people think the ... think you are as being perfect, it stops you from actually being yourself. And I'm like, this year I just wanna be so much more less what, trying to be what other people's perception of me is and just be just-

Jay Shetty 31:36 Yeah

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 31:36 ... yeah.

Jay Shetty 31:37 Yeah. I love that. Yeah, and I, and I don't think there's a perfect person. I don't think there's a perfect partner. I think there's just navigating our imperfections and figuring them out. And the reason I, I wrote a book about love was not because I'm a love expert or a love guru or because I think I know everything about love or that we have a perfect love. I wrote about it because I think I'm fascinated by it.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 31:59 Totally, yeah.

Jay Shetty 32:00 I wanted to spend time studying it and learning about it, and I wanted to be able to share insights and frameworks that I've created to not just manage our relationship, but manage and coach other people's relationships-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 32:14 You- yeah

Jay Shetty 32:14 ... that I've worked with. And so what I'm sharing in the book is there is no story of a perfect love that we have.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 32:20 No, no.

Jay Shetty 32:20 It doesn't exist in the book. There is no perfect story.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 32:22 Right.

Jay Shetty 32:22 Even our proposal story I tell is a mistake and-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 32:25 Yeah

Jay Shetty 32:25 ... something that went wrong. And not wrong because you were upset or because you were sad.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 32:29 No, no, yeah.

Jay Shetty 32:29 Wrong because it made me realize I was just trying to love you in the way that I thought the movies taught us how to love. I wasn't loving you in the way that you wanted to be loved.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 32:38 No, but I think the tools and the frameworks that you've even shared with me have been so useful for not just our relationship, but, like, every relationship that I have. So I personally think, like, everything that you've even taught me in the relationship has been applicable to every relationship that I have. And I think, like, genuinely think you're, like, the perfect person to write this book because it's, it is so much about you've spent so much time and so much energy building ... The, like, the relationships that you have, not even just romantic relationship, the relationships that you have with people, that for me has been a f- like the ... When you have a qualification but not the qualification. Whatever that word is, but the qualification for you to write the book. Like, because seeing your relationships with people, how deep they are, how genuine they are, how authentic they are, like, that is, that in itself is the most beautiful thing because it's so hard to build relationships in the world. Like, through all of the stuff that happens throughout life, through the barriers that we put up, through the social media filters, through every filter, there's so many filters that we end up having throughout our life now, especially because you're exposed to so many people. The more people you're exposed to, the more you feel like you have to adapt, the more you feel like you have to change. And sometimes you're, you're putting on different clothes and different things, not clothes, but different clothes and layers to be different people for different people. And I think you are someone who literally through every relationship I have seen remain the same person. You react to things in the same way. You treat things in the same way. So this is me saying separately as your partner saying that the way that you have cultivated relationships and really work through how you create authentic relationships, that for me is like I wanna read the book because of that. Then that obviously applies to our relationship, the way that you, you communicate, the way that you share things. Like, it takes so much work to become that person, and to just read the book to understand ... And by the way, this is not a book plug, book plug, guys. I haven't read it yet, but I know it's gonna be good just because of having experienced that and seen it, like, for 10 years day in, day out, the way that you are. And that's why people who are close to you and the people that you have in your life and the, the way that you have created those relationships, they are relationships that you have for years and years and years, or they will ... And not even if, if they're not, they're relationships that have got so deep so fast that it's never been about the surface level stuff. And I think, like, that is just so powerful and so amazing because I know I've had relationships I've, I've had friendships that I've had or relationships for years and years, and there's, you know, they still don't feel what they should feel like because I haven't invested the time to figure out how to make it that. And each relationship is so individual that you have to invest that time. So if you want that relationship with someone, and you want that friendship, you want that brothership, whatever it is, it takes that time investment. It takes creating those frameworks. It takes creating whatever it is. But, you know, it is an investment of time and energy, and I think that the amount of relationships that you've had throughout your life that have been so meaningful, that in itself shows that you have so much to share and wisdom to share on it. And so r- you know, romantic plus other relationships, I think that's such an important skill that you have to have through your life. And I feel like I would be so sad if I got to the end of my life and I was like, "Wow, I had all these friends but, like, no real relationships." The whole thing we needed as humans I feel is to feel that connection, and you can go 50, 60, 70, 80 years of your life not even having one connection to someone in that way, and how sad to have missed out on life. Sad, I'm talking sad for me, not like, oh, that's- ... sad, but like genuinely sad to go through a whole life's worth of living and not actually having experienced what a relationship means. Like, that, that would just, you know, how unfulfilling that would be. And so yeah, I'm like I genuinely am excited to read it because I feel like I ... And you're like there teaching me along the way, but sometimes it's hard to really hear from someone that you spend time with or like that you really, that, that you, not take for granted because I really value what you do, but you kind of take the words for granted when you're not studying it or when you're not actually in, you know, when you're not in a place to even receive it. And so I feel like I'm in that place right now where I really wanna build deeper connections, and I think that's why it's ... Yeah, I think it's such an important thing from you, from other people. Started listening to the podcast recently, I did.

Jay Shetty 36:59 This was, this was-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 36:59 On purpose

Jay Shetty 37:00 ... the quest- the question was what did we find annoying about each other. [laughs]

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 37:03 Right.

Jay Shetty 37:03 And we ended up [laughs] we ended up-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 37:04 I did. I said that it's when you share things about me that I don't know about.

Jay Shetty 37:07 [laughs]

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 37:07 That is something that genuinely annoys me. Um, and also 'cause it's seen from your perspective, and you have like filter over your eyes when it comes to me 'cause you always think things I do are nice when actually I can be a terror. But yeah, I changed the question, sorry.

Jay Shetty 37:21 Yeah. So I have a chapter in this book called your partner is your guru.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 37:25 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 37:26 Uh, and this was inspired by you.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 37:31 Great.

Jay Shetty 37:31 [laughs] And-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 37:33 [laughs]

Jay Shetty 37:33 It was.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 37:34 Amazing.

Jay Shetty 37:34 Well, really it was inspired from our tradition and the idea that-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 37:37 Yeah

Jay Shetty 37:38 ... relationships are more about education and enlightenment than they are about entertainment.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 37:44 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 37:45 And I think that you get into relationships because of pleasure, but actually, relationships that last are ones in which you grow and which you find a purpose.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 37:55 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 37:56 And I think that sounds really unsexy and uncool-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 37:59 [laughs]

Jay Shetty 37:59 ... because people think like, "Oh, well, my partner should just be someone I have fun with all the time."

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 38:03 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 38:04 And we have a lot of fun

Jay Shetty 38:05 together. We've had a lot of fun over the last 10 years for sure, without a doubt, like whether it was when we've traveled together, when we've started JOYO together, when we've, uh, moved, whether we, you know, we're in this tiny shoebox apartment-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 38:19 Yeah

Jay Shetty 38:19 ... or whatever it was. We've had a great time, but the greatest great time is when you're learning and growing together-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 38:26 Yeah

Jay Shetty 38:26 ... because you actually learn how to improve your relationship, and that's what makes your relationship better.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 38:32 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 38:32 So when I talk about your partner is your guru, what I love is that if you look at Eastern traditions, gurus are not the people who tell you what to do or preach to you or act smarter than you. The guru, like the monk gurus, they would come and sit at the back of the class and listen to a young monk-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 38:50 Yeah

Jay Shetty 38:50 ... give a talk. Like, that's what gurus did. Or when you bow down to an elder guru, the guru would bow down to you on the floor even if-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 38:58 Yeah

Jay Shetty 38:58 ... they were twice your age. Like, the guru was not a figure that made you feel inferior, but the gu-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 39:04 It's not authoritative in that way, yeah.

Jay Shetty 39:06 It's not ... Yeah. But the guru was a figure that constantly made you feel like they believed in you and that you had potential and that you had value to offer. And so when I wrote this chapter called your partner is your guru, I break down the qualities of a student, and I break down the qualities of a guru. And all of the qualities of a guru is generally your partner who believes in you.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 39:27 Amazing.

Jay Shetty 39:27 And I found, what I found in relationships is that it's so easy for you to be the most critical person of your partner.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 39:34 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 39:34 It's so easy for you to say that, "Oh, yeah, you're just the worst, and you're so-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 39:39 Yeah

Jay Shetty 39:39 ... like lazy, and you're just like ... You're not ambitious enough, and you're not organized enough." Like, it's so easy, and I found so many couples were in that space. Even if you don't say it, we feel that about our partners-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 39:51 Yeah

Jay Shetty 39:51 ... because people say it to other people.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 39:53 Right.

Jay Shetty 39:53 The amount of people that come to, up to me and say, "My partner's not ambitious enough. He doesn't work hard enough," like, or, "She doesn't understand enough. She's too clingy." Like, we have these negative views, and actually, we should be the ones who see the potential in our partner. Of course, beyond any, and I make this very clear in the book, beyond any abusive or toxic relationships-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 40:12 Yeah, yeah

Jay Shetty 40:12 ... we should wa- look at the potential in our partner. We should be the ones who are, like, making them feel like they can grow and become something.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 40:18 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 40:18 Of course, not ridiculous and stupid ways-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 40:20 Mm-hmm

Jay Shetty 40:21 ... but in a healthy way.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 40:22 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 40:23 That's why I think that when I wrote this chapter, one of the ways in which you've been my guru is that, and I've said this multiple times to other people, I don't think I've said it to you fully, but I think that as I became more materially successful, I wanted you to love me more for my material success.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 40:40 Right.

Jay Shetty 40:41 And you didn't. Like, you just didn't budge. So-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 40:44 [laughs]

Jay Shetty 40:45 ... even if I'd, like, win an award or I'd be number one or I'd ... Whatever I did, I never felt like you loved me more. And for a long time in our relationship, I just felt like you didn't love me, like, because of that, because you didn't love me more. And then when I would talk to you or I would hear about what you said to someone else, and even when I listen to you today, it's like I'm constantly reminded that you love me for who I am, not what I achieve. And that has been the greatest guru thing that you've done because I think I would've started to love myself for what I've achieved and not who I am if you loved me for what I achieved and not who I am.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 41:21 Right.

Jay Shetty 41:21 And so that is such a subtle, intricate point. But that's the kind of stuff that your partner can do for you because your partner actually sees you. And then in a more like, in a more tangible way, you're the person that if I'm practicing a talk to you or I'm practicing something to you or I read you a part of the book when I'm first writing it, you'll call me out and be like, "That's average," or, "I don't like that"-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 41:45 [laughs]

Jay Shetty 41:45 ... or, "That's crap"-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 41:46 You're so great at that

Jay Shetty 41:47 ... or, "That's crap."

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 41:47 [laughs]

Jay Shetty 41:48 And it's like your partner is only doing that, and you say this to me all the time when my ego gets in the way, and you'll be like, "I'm only doing that because I want it to be amazing 'cause I care about you."

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 41:57 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 41:57 The person who doesn't care about you is just gonna be like, "Oh, that's amazing," like, "That's awesome. Just keep doing it." Whereas you're like, "I don't, I don't want you to look stupid on stage tomorrow. I want you to think about it." And so I find that that also is how your partner's your guru because they're the only one who can coach you through your ego. Because if anyone else said that, I probably wouldn't take it, but because you're saying it, it's like I know she wants only what's for my benefit.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 42:20 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 42:20 And so I will listen more as well.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 42:22 Yeah, thanks. Um, but I, I also think with what you were saying about, you know, the awards and stuff, I think there's... You know, what I've learnt from those situations is that there's still an element to like even though... You know what? I always think about people who achieve a lot in their life, and it must... And not saying, "Oh my God, it's so hard to achieve a lot in life," but-

Jay Shetty 42:39 It is

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 42:40 ... to just is. No.

Jay Shetty 42:41 [laughs]

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 42:41 I mean, no, what I mean is so, it's such a hard life to achieve a lot. What I'm trying to say is that it's, it's difficult sometimes for people who... And by the way, this doesn't mean achieves a lot in the limelight or achieves a lot in their day-to-day life, but you know, people can get so used to people achieving that every success doesn't end up feeling like a success to, to the, to the other people. But the, the, the, not grout. What's the word? Like the-

Jay Shetty 43:08 Graft

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 43:08 ... graft that's gone into it, only the person who's done it knows. And even as someone who's watched you through it or watched, you know, watched you actually, um, do what you need to do to, to get, you know, those achievements, it's still not the same as being that person. And so to even be a person watching and observing, still to have that respect and that value for it and to share that, "Oh my gosh. That's amazing," like, and I think I, you know, I genuinely think I just got so used to you achieving, and you've always been a person who's achieving in... But, but the work has just always been there. But I think it's even just appreciating the work, even if you don't a- appreciate the what's come from it. Even if I'm like, "Oh my gosh. It's award," because sometimes I'm like, "Oh, wow. Another streaming. Oh, wow. Another this." Like, okay, cool, because I know that there's always more coming because I know you are just such an achiever, and like you are... You put in the work, so naturally there's gonna be achievement. But I think there is so much in even though you're not looking for it, what I've learnt from it is there is so much to actually, so much to sharing that, wow, I see the work that you're doing. Like, that's amazing. And I never felt like you needed that validation because I was like, oh, you just keep going and you know that you're doing great. Like, you must know it because you are. But I think it's really important for loved ones, partner, family, to keep sharing people's success. And there's so... And you know, when you end up celebrating other people's success, I've realized that in my life it makes you so much more of a better person because you're really thinking about how amazing it is for someone to have done that, the w- and not even just the success, the legwork that's happened before that. And I re- it's so important to do that. It's not b- about boosting someone's ego. It's not about making someone feel like, oh, what they've got is, it's so valuable, but making someone know that we see the work that you're doing and we see the hard work that's going into it, and I see... You know, I just... It's a way of saying, "I see you" in, in a subtle way, and I think it's really underrated because, because I think people are used to being like, "Oh, wow. That's amazing you got this," but they don't think about everything else before.

Jay Shetty 45:13 Mm.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 45:13 So now when I think about s- celebrating someone's success or celebrating your success, it's like me actually saying to you, "Wow, I see everything that's happened for you to get there." And I've realized how important that is.

Jay Shetty 45:25 That's beautiful. I love that.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 45:25 And I don't normally... And I've not been someone to do that for you. So now I'm like, oh, I really do want to do that for you and for other people around me. And I think you're right. The guru part is true. Like, whatever I've noticed I haven't been doing has been instrumental for this, but also in every relationship that I have because it's showing me that the little thing... You know, you notice so much about yourself obviously. They always say you notice the most about yourself in relationships, right? Like who you actually are. And I feel like in a lot of other relationships I haven't seen that. You know, with my mom she's always just like, "Whatever." You know, whatever you end up doing, your moms love you like all the time. It's like unlimited amount of love. But I think in relationships, you're constantly reflected back to you. They s- they don't... In your relationships you don't allow... You know, I feel like I see it on a constant basis of what I'm not doing, especially if your partner is someone who is so loving that the reflection is, you know, you can't help but see the things about you you need to change because that person is constantly just pouring love into you. And so I think it's just... Anyway, I just think it's such an important part. But that guru part that you were saying, I completely agree 'cause I feel like I've had that, and that's been pouring into other areas of my life, too. Um, and so yeah, that's it. Uh-huh, why are you laughing?

Jay Shetty 46:41 You always do that at the end of when you're talking about something.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 46:43 I'm like, "Mm, yeah."

Jay Shetty 46:44 You get really passionate and you go, "Yeah. So that's it."

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 46:46 That's it.

Jay Shetty 46:47 And I love it. It's so cute.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 46:47 Yeah, because I feel like I'll just end up repeating it in different ways. [laughs]

Jay Shetty 46:50 [laughs] It's adorable.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 46:51 Learn to be succinct.

Jay Shetty 46:52 Yeah. So the question is: What have we prioritized in a previous relationship that we don't prioritize in this relationship, something we basically thought was important before but we no longer think is important now in this relationship?

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 47:06 I think it's what you've talked about a lot, and I'm sure many people have heard you say this, but the time quality thing. I think that's been something that you... You know, the more time you spend with someone, you think that time is the investment. People think that time is the investment. Like the amount of time you spend with someone is what the investment is. This person is willing to spend two hours with me, but this person's willing to spend 15 minutes with me. That must mean the two-hour person values me more, loves me more, cares for me more.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 47:35 But what is the quality of those two hours? What is the quality of those 15 minutes? Makes such a difference. And I think, you know, w- I've just been so used to that concept that that's what I always, you know, related to this friend or this relationship. This person wants to spend the most amount of time with me, that must mean, you know, that person loves me more. And so I think that's something I've really changed because you can feel so much more fueled from a 15-minute interaction with someone, um, and loved with presence than you can with, you know-

Jay Shetty 48:08 Mm

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 48:08 ... two hours of someone's distracted time. And I'm s- that's something I'm still working on as a person of being someone who's present. I think it's something I've really, you know, I've been up and down with it. There are different times where my mind can just, you know, go everywhere and do everything and not even- Be in the same room as everybody else that I'm in the room with. But I think it's something that I, I know it's some- it's, it's ... I wanna be working on and something I wanna be improving on. But I think that's a, a value that I have changed.

Jay Shetty 48:37 Mm. I love that. I, I think I've talked about this a few times, but I do think it's, it's important to keep reiterating. Like, I think I used to see romance very one way. I had a very singular view of what romance meant, which was, like, nice dinner, candlelight, flowers, movie. Like, that kind of very typical idea-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 48:58 Yeah

Jay Shetty 48:58 ... of what romance looks like. Or like Netflix and chill, where you're, like, snuggled up on the couch watching. Like, I think we all have these very basic views. Like, I had someone ask me the other day, they were like, you know, "If I'm Netflix and chilling with someone," like we've gone beyond the first date phase of having a drink together, but now we're Netflix and chilling, like, but I don't feel chemistry. And I was like, "You're not gonna feel chemistry Netflix and chilling because-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 49:20 Yeah, just watching a movie and-

Jay Shetty 49:21 Just watching a TV show-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 49:22 Yeah

Jay Shetty 49:22 ... or a movie. Like, you can't feel chemistry for someone doing that [laughs] because it's such a basic activity. And I think our relationship, by almost chance, and I don't know how, but we kinda started on that foot of, like, one of our first dates was Go Ape.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 49:37 Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Jay Shetty 49:37 And Go Ape, for anyone who doesn't know what that is, is a, an assault course that's 80 feet up in the air.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 49:43 Mm-hmm.

Jay Shetty 49:43 You know, we're, like, swinging from branch to branch. We're helping each other out. Like, you, you got to see what scared me. I got to see what scared you. Like, there's just so much opportunity-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 49:53 Right

Jay Shetty 49:53 ... for chemistry there, and we would've very easily figured out if there wasn't any chemistry there. And another thing that we've done a lot of, which we talked about before, is escape rooms. Again, it's very easy to, like, get a conversation started, and, like, you don't have to have that awkward silence because there's something to solve, and I think that's what life's kind of like. Like, life's about solving a problem. Life isn't just talking to each other. And often when you go to dinner, I see so many couples on their phones, and no one's talking for, like, an hour and a half. And the food comes, and you kind of mention a few things that you like, and then you're back to your phone. And that's because you can't just sit there and have random conversation. [laughs] You need another almost activator or something interesting or fascinating to do. Like, I know when we've been to, like, a pottery class or a painting class, or recently you tried to do wakeboarding, right?

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 50:39 Yeah. [laughs]

Jay Shetty 50:39 And it's like that to me is so much more ... I learn so much more about you watching you try to do this [laughs] impossible task. But that-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 50:47 An extreme sport, I might add.

Jay Shetty 50:49 An extreme sport which made you feel like you had whiplash the next day.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 50:52 Oh my God, I was in so much pain.

Jay Shetty 50:53 Yeah, but it was, like, so fun watching you try something new.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 50:57 Yeah, yeah.

Jay Shetty 50:57 As opposed to, like, if we just sat at the beach and had dinner. Like, it, it just goes to be the same.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 51:03 Right, right, right.

Jay Shetty 51:03 And, and I appreciate, by the way, like, we're tired at the end of the day. We do wanna turn a show on. That's fine. But at least once a week, I think it's really important to go do something different.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 51:11 Doing something that builds.

Jay Shetty 51:12 So bu- yeah, something that builds, something where you're learning about someone, something where you get more curious. You laugh at each other. You laugh at yourself. Something where you're both doing a new experience because I find that in, in my old relationships I literally thought of love and romance as a very typical date night.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 51:28 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 51:28 And I don't think we have a typical date night. I think we try and avoid it generally.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 51:32 I s- yeah.

Jay Shetty 51:32 Or if we go to watch a movie, we don't see that as date night. We just see that as watching a movie.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 51:36 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 51:36 We'll both be like, "Oh, we really wanna see this movie."

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 51:38 Yes.

Jay Shetty 51:38 "Let's go and watch it." But we're not like, "Oh, this is date night." Like, that doesn't become our bonding. That just becomes something fun we wanna do.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 51:45 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 51:45 Or we don't watch a TV show and think, "This is us bonding." Like, and we both get-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 51:48 Things where you're not connecting-

Jay Shetty 51:50 Yeah

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 51:50 ... can't be something that deepens or strengthens or creates, uh, you know, a different perspective on your relationship. It's just ... You know, I used to feel the same way, where it's like, oh, you know, that, that thing of going on a Friday, like, movie night, you know? And if, if, if every single time you're hanging out it's a activity where there's little connection, little ... Like, connection on, like all levels, connection on a mental level, connection on talking. Like, there's so much to do with connection that needs to happen within, um, within a date or within spending time with someone, where if you're watching something or if you're doing something with little of that, how can you get to the end of the day and be like, "You know what? That was a, that was really good. I really felt like I connected with that person"? 'Cause really you're just sitting there together in the same space, but there's ... Connection isn't, you know, that, that's a different type ... There's not a deeper connection that you're building during that time.

Jay Shetty 52:46 Yeah.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 52:46 And again, I love going to watch movies and stuff, but I think-

Jay Shetty 52:48 So do I

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 52:48 ... I've learned, even if I wanna get to know a friend, I won't ask her to come to watch a movie with me. That won't be the first time I'm spending with a girlfriend I'm trying to get to know. It will be, "Let's go work out together. Let's go food shopping together." [laughs] Like, it sounds so random, but something where we're able to connect on things, find out mutual things that we like or love, and you know, that's what really builds familiarity and, and a connection. And so yeah, I agree.

Jay Shetty 53:14 So the question is, if we rewind it 10 years, what would've been our top three things we were looking for in a person?

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 53:22 Yeah. At that time I think my mom was more worried about m- me looking for a partner than I was. No, I'm joking. She wasn't, like, pushing me or anything. But, um-

Jay Shetty 53:33 Your mom forced you to marry me. [laughs]

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 53:34 Yeah, basically. [laughs]

Jay Shetty 53:35 It comes out now.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 53:35 No, I, I don't know. I was, like, in a big transitional phase of my life when I was w- when I started getting to know you or when I met you at least.

Jay Shetty 53:46 Oh, that's a long time ago then. That's 14 years ago.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 53:47 Well, we're talking when we first started dating.

Jay Shetty 53:49 10 years ago is when we first started dating.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 53:50 Right. So at that point I don't think I knew. I think I was just at the point in my life where I was like,

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 53:55 oh, I knew I wanted someone that I could, um, grow spiritually with. I think that was, that was probably top of my list at the time because of the phase I was in. I was, you know, in deep at that time of really trying to explore that phase of my life, at that part of my life. And so that was probably number one for me, was someone that I know has, has spirit and, um, that wants to explore that part of their life too. That's what I wanted. And, and-

Jay Shetty 54:23 Same. That was my number one too

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 54:24 ... I didn't really have any, like, at that time, had any, like, financial goals or anything. That wasn't something I thought about very often. Um- And then apart from that, I'm trying to think. Oh, and just laughing. Like, I knew that I wanted someone that I could laugh with and crack jokes with and just... Yeah. Like and laughing was really important to me. And I, I don't think I... I hadn't spent time to think about that at the time, so that's, that's about all I can think of.

Jay Shetty 54:51 Yeah. I don't think I ever had a list either.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 54:53 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 54:53 Like, I don't think I was ever that kind of a person, and that's why I'm not a big list person now. Like, I don't... I think lists can often minimize who you meet because you have such a criteria.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 55:06 That's true.

Jay Shetty 55:06 And then you're finding this person who has all of this perfect criteria, but someone can be perfect on paper and still not-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 55:14 Yeah

Jay Shetty 55:14 ... be the right person. And I think you see this, like I mean, I'm giving a sports analogy here, but bear with me. It's the idea that sometimes a team on paper can be the perfect team. They have all the best players in the world-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 55:26 Yeah

Jay Shetty 55:27 ... but they don't perform on pa- on, on the pitch or on the-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 55:30 Right

Jay Shetty 55:30 ... on the field. And I feel like that's what relationships end up like, where you have this person who ticks all your criteria-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 55:37 Mm-hmm

Jay Shetty 55:37 ... but then they're not that in real life. Like, you don't feel that with them.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 55:40 Right.

Jay Shetty 55:40 And so I think relationships are more about discovering someone. Like, I couldn't have known what you would be like in 10 years. You just can't know that.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 55:48 No, you really can't.

Jay Shetty 55:49 You just can't know what someone's gonna be like in 10 years, and so all I can do is be curious and open and learn. You are so many more things than I ever thought you were or would be or could be or anything, but you either have to figure it out as you go and go, "Oh, I like that" or "I don't like that," and let that be what leads you rather than be like, "Okay, I think I know who this person is." But then what if they change? What if those three things you wanted became completely different? Like, I did want someone who was spiritually grounded. You are still spiritually grounded, and that is a massive pursuit in you. I wonder what I would feel like if you weren't spiritual anymore.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 56:23 Yeah, yeah.

Jay Shetty 56:23 I don't know.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 56:23 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 56:23 Like, I don't even know how I feel about that-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 56:25 Yeah

Jay Shetty 56:26 ... because that would be something you'd have to be open to if it came to that.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 56:28 Right, right.

Jay Shetty 56:29 And so I, I think criteria are interesting, uh, but I think it's more about exploring and discovering a human being.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 56:36 Mm-hmm. That's true, actually. So many people have lists of... Like, so many of my friends who are looking for a partner will have all these lists of what they want, and every category they'll have something that they want in it. And sometimes it's like, oh, I met this person and they make me laugh, and they, you know, they really give that feeling that they've been looking for, but then they don't meet the criteria, and it kind of completely throws them off, and they don't even know whether to go on a second date with them. And it kind of feels like a missed opportunity because, you know, it's so... A lot of the time it should be so much more about emotion and how someone makes you feel versus whether they fit that, that perfect that you've created, you know?

Jay Shetty 57:09 Yeah. Like, some people are like, "He has to be 6'2""

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 57:11 Yeah, so-

Jay Shetty 57:11 Like, and I-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 57:12 Oh my gosh

Jay Shetty 57:12 ... I'm just like, "Why?"

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 57:12 So many people.

Jay Shetty 57:14 Like, and I'm like, on, on, like how is-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 57:15 My friend's like, "Has to be tall, dark, and handsome. That's it."

Jay Shetty 57:17 And I get, I get being attracted to your partner.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 57:18 "And he needs to have tattoos."

Jay Shetty 57:19 Like [laughs] and I get being attracted to your partner.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 57:22 Yes, definitely.

Jay Shetty 57:22 Like, I'm not saying, I'm not saying don't be attracted.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 57:24 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 57:24 Obviously. Obviously, right? Just putting it out there. But you can't make that the criteria of it all. Like, you-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 57:30 Not if you're already getting along with.

Jay Shetty 57:32 Yeah.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 57:32 Like, if you get along with someone and you, you've got that, you know, connection, to then go back to your list and be like, "Tick, tick, cross" [laughs]

Jay Shetty 57:38 'Cause because they're 6'2" is not gonna keep that relationship going.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 57:41 No.

Jay Shetty 57:41 Like, that's the point. Like, whether they're 6 foot-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 57:43 It's not

Jay Shetty 57:43 ... you know, that's not gonna make sure this relationship-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 57:44 We're all gonna shrink, you know?

Jay Shetty 57:45 [laughs]

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 57:45 That's what happens with old age there. [laughs]

Jay Shetty 57:48 So then marry someone who's 6'4"

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 57:50 Exactly.

Jay Shetty 57:50 Just then, yeah.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 57:51 Exactly.

Jay Shetty 57:52 So the question is: How do we show up for our partner even when our partner has so many other priorities, has a purpose, has things that keep them busy? How do we still show up for each other when we're busy and they're busy and have so much going on? Yeah, I, I think this was actually our weakness because being busy in our life came about on us so quickly. Like, I don't... You know, I always say this to people, like, "I didn't plan for this life. We didn't plan for this life." Things transformed and moved very quickly and changed very quickly, and it, it took off quickly even for us, and we almost had to play catch-up with it. And so I never thought when we got married that we'd ever spend any time apart.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 58:31 Right, right, right.

Jay Shetty 58:31 And all of a sudden, months in our relationship before the pandemic, in the first two years of our marriage we spent, like, eight months apart. And-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 58:39 Yeah

Jay Shetty 58:40 ... then it was the pandemic, and we spent every day together, and I loved it. I'd have to say it was two of my favorite years-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 58:44 Yeah

Jay Shetty 58:45 ... of spending time with you 'cause I-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 58:46 Yeah, it was so fun

Jay Shetty 58:46 ... I loved spending time with you for those two years. And then when the pandemic was over again, our lives again have been like we spent, like, nearly six months apart last year. This month, at the start of this year, we've already spent a month apart. Obviously, different reasons. And last year, again, was a surprise. It wasn't part of the plan.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 59:03 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 59:03 It was challenges beyond us that we couldn't control that were keeping us apart. Visa issues, things like that, that are, like, complex and, you know, things that we have to deal with when you are from different countries and live in different countries. And that was, like, the first time where I realized that I didn't have good tools for that kind of, uh, distance, and actually because I just thought that it didn't matter. You, you just stay the same, and things would be fine. And so I think I've actually learned the hard way sometimes, where I haven't been as well-informed or didn't think I had all the tools or had it all figured out, and I've realized the importance of checking in every day-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 59:41 Yeah

Jay Shetty 59:42 ... uh, which I never really used to think that was a thing.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 59:44 Mm-hmm.

Jay Shetty 59:44 I never thought you had to check in every day, and I know that sounds stupid to a lot of people, but-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 59:48 No, I think it's also 'cause we're both very independent.

Jay Shetty 59:50 Safe and secure. Well, yeah, we're very independent as well.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 59:52 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 59:52 And we're s- safe and secure, and we trust each other. And then I realized checking in every day was so important when we were traveling or, or not in the same place. Uh, that was a big one. I'd say that the other one was for every day you spend apart, you need to have a quality day together.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 1:00:10 Oh, yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:00:10 I really believe that.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 1:00:11 Big one.

Jay Shetty 1:00:11 Like, I felt like last year when we didn't see each other for six months, I felt like I spent the next six months only thinking about our relationship.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 1:00:18 Right, right, right.

Jay Shetty 1:00:19 Because it had to be the priority. You can't just expect a plant or a tree to grow in your house when you don't water it and you don't take care of it.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 1:00:27 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:00:27 And so if you've not seen it for six months because you've been traveling-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 1:00:30 Aw

Jay Shetty 1:00:30 ... you don't just get to come back to-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 1:00:31 That poor plant

Jay Shetty 1:00:32 ... yeah, you don't just get to come back to it and go Oh, great, like, I'm back now, like, start blooming.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 1:00:37 [laughs]

Jay Shetty 1:00:38 Like, it doesn't work that way. Like, it takes-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 1:00:39 Yeah

Jay Shetty 1:00:39 ... so much of that effort, and I think I didn't fully digest that. And last year was that year where I was like, "All right, that's what it's gonna take."

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 1:00:47 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:00:47 It's gonna take six months of recreating, refocusing-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 1:00:52 Mm-hmm

Jay Shetty 1:00:52 ... reprioritizing. That's what I did last year.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 1:00:54 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:00:54 That's how I felt, that I focused on that at the end of last year.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 1:00:57 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:00:57 And that's how I feel now as well. Like, you know, you've been here because of, uh, family challenges and things like that with your grandma, who's not been well, and who obviously we know is your favorite person in the world, and it's like you've obviously wanted to be with her. And again, we haven't seen each other for a month because you've had to be with her in hospital. And so there's so many things that come up in our lives that are always gonna be there, so we can't live in this perfect world of like, oh, never go two days without each other. Never... Life doesn't work that way.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 1:01:23 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:01:23 Like, life is what... You can't make fake rules. But the rule I have made is that when we are reconnecting, you have to go deeper in less time to rebuild the relationship when you are busy.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 1:01:34 Yeah, that's so true.

Jay Shetty 1:01:34 And you have to spend quality time. One of the things I loved that we did was, and I wanna get back to it as soon as we're in a flow of being together again, it's like the idea of every 30 days, we used to take three days, we'd disappear three hours away from LA, we'd lock our phones away in the room, and we'd just bike together, walk together, and be together.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 1:01:56 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:01:56 And to me, when you all have a busy month, having three days a month-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 1:02:01 Right

Jay Shetty 1:02:01 ... where you go so deep with each other is so needed. Because

Jay Shetty 1:02:05 it- you are busy every month, and not everyone has time every day or the energy every day to, like, sit down with their partner and check in-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 1:02:11 [laughs]

Jay Shetty 1:02:11 ... and make it a ma- You can't. But you can once a month, and I think you have to have a monthly check-in. Even when we do these annual check-ins, I think these are really important. Like, yes, we record it, and it goes out as a podcast, but I think every couple should have an annual check-in-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 1:02:25 Yeah

Jay Shetty 1:02:25 ... and answer these questions that we're answering. Otherwise, li- years go by, and then a decade later you're thinking about-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 1:02:30 Mm-hmm

Jay Shetty 1:02:30 ... your relationship. And so I think reflecting is such a powerful tool.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 1:02:35 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:02:35 And recording is actually a powerful tool, and I think if we were to reflect and record more often, every month-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 1:02:41 Yeah

Jay Shetty 1:02:41 ... and every year with our partners, your relationship would go in the right direction, as opposed to your relationship going off in a wrong direction-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 1:02:48 Yeah

Jay Shetty 1:02:48 ... and then you're trying to save it years later.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 1:02:50 Yeah, that makes sense. I think check-ins, yeah, I, I think I w- I didn't think that either. I was like, "Oh, we're in two different time zones. It's so hard to just... We'll just figure it out when we see each other, and we'll talk when we see each other. We'll, we'll [laughs] um, catch up with each other when we see each other." But yeah, I think daily check-ins is, is a really important part of it. Message or call, like, whatever is feasible and easy to do.

Jay Shetty 1:03:14 I think being really honest about what you need as well. Like, I feel like-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 1:03:17 Yeah, that's true. That's true

Jay Shetty 1:03:18 ... I feel like just catching the person... Like, I... You know that even if I've had a busy day, if you said to me, "I really need to talk to you tonight," or, "Let's chat"-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 1:03:27 Totally

Jay Shetty 1:03:27 ... you know I'd be there.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 1:03:28 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:03:28 Even if I've had a really busy day and I'm exhausted, or whatever it may be. But if you don't know, sometimes you assume your partner just knows-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 1:03:34 Yeah, yeah, yeah

Jay Shetty 1:03:35 ... how you're feeling, and I think that's always where things go wrong.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 1:03:37 Mm-hmm.

Jay Shetty 1:03:37 Where it's like, "Well, why haven't you checked in with me for a month?"

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 1:03:40 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:03:40 And that mentality really ruins relationships.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 1:03:42 Totally.

Jay Shetty 1:03:43 Rather than just saying, "Let's agree to have a check-in every month-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 1:03:45 Yeah, this-

Jay Shetty 1:03:45 ... see how we're doing-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 1:03:46 Yeah

Jay Shetty 1:03:47 ... see what you need help with." One thing I recommended in the book was four questions. So once every day is, um, what have you done for yourself today? Once every week is, what have you got coming up this week, and what support do you need? Every quarter is, is this relationship going in the direction you want, and how, how can we get it in there? And the fourth question every year is, what are your goals, and how can I help you?

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 1:04:11 Mm-hmm.

Jay Shetty 1:04:12 I ask you a lot of those questions all the time, and so I just broke it down into that formula because I really wanted people to have, like, really clear things that they could do.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 1:04:20 Yeah. I'll ask you them from now on.

Jay Shetty 1:04:23 Cool.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 1:04:23 Get my notepad out.

Jay Shetty 1:04:24 [laughs]

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 1:04:25 [laughs]

Jay Shetty 1:04:25 So the question is, it's early 2023, what are our goals? What are we pursuing? What's important to us as a couple for this year? I always talk about in the book how there's three types of relationship: the one you have with your own purpose, the one your partner has with their purpose, and then having a purpose together as well. And so looking at that third part of it, um, I think for me it's, I really feel that even though I haven't been neglectful or, uh, I don't feel I've put our relationship second or-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 1:04:59 No, I remember

Jay Shetty 1:04:59 ... or less important for this much time-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 1:05:01 Mm-mm

Jay Shetty 1:05:02 ... I'm definitely in a place this year where I want it to be really important.

Jay Shetty 1:05:07 And so I wanna travel more together. I wanna spend even more quality time together, especially because we've kind of gone from having, like, two years when we first-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 1:05:15 The pandemic [laughs]

Jay Shetty 1:05:16 ... got married where we weren't together, two years married where we were like t- uh, in the pandemic, where we were together-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 1:05:19 Mm-hmm

Jay Shetty 1:05:19 ... every day, to now again the busyness. And it's almost like I wanna make sure that I'm constantly investing in that, in our relationship. And I think traveling together more, having that deep time, as I'm talking about, together more.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 1:05:32 Yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:05:32 Those weekend breaks we used to take.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 1:05:33 Exploring more, yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:05:34 More like, that stuff is so important to me, and I'm really looking forward to that with you.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 1:05:40 Yeah, me too. That and, like, I think for me it's like learning how to schedule in time for that, 'cause sometimes I can be like, "Oh, yeah, it will happen, and we can do it whenever, and we'll just hang out and..." But, like, planning things and creating experiences and moments for that to happen, I think that's, uh, that's something I wanna work on 'cause I'm not very good at that. Yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:06:02 Thank you, Radhi, for coming back on On Purpose.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 1:06:03 That's all right.

Jay Shetty 1:06:04 You'll be coming back on a lot this year, and next year, because you've got so many exciting things.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 1:06:08 Sorry, I'm, like, fully booked for the rest of the year, so [laughs] ...

Jay Shetty 1:06:10 You have so many exciting things coming up. I'm so excited for you.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 1:06:13 Oh, thanks.

Jay Shetty 1:06:13 I'm so proud of you. Like, I've been watching you in the background work on so many incredible things-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 1:06:18 Yeah

Jay Shetty 1:06:18 ... that are gonna excite and delight so many people-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 1:06:21 Mm-hmm

Jay Shetty 1:06:22 ... surprise so many people, and I can't wait for you to share them with the world.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 1:06:25 Me too. I'm excited for that.

Jay Shetty 1:06:26 And, uh, I love you, and it's been fun watching you grow.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 1:06:30 Thanks.

Jay Shetty 1:06:30 It's been fun doing this with you, as always.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 1:06:31 You too.

Jay Shetty 1:06:31 Can't believe we haven't done it for two years.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 1:06:33 I know. I can't either.

Jay Shetty 1:06:34 And, um-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 1:06:35 What were we doing last year?

Jay Shetty 1:06:36 Well, I didn't see you for six months [laughs] .

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 1:06:37 Oh, yeah.

Jay Shetty 1:06:38 Yeah [laughs] .

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 1:06:38 That was it.

Jay Shetty 1:06:39 Um, but I l- I love you so much, and I'm so grateful to be on this journey of life with you, and I don't think I would have learned half of what I've learned in life or what I put in this book if I wasn't with you.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 1:06:50 Same.

Jay Shetty 1:06:51 And so you've taught me so much.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 1:06:53 Same.

Jay Shetty 1:06:54 And, uh-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 1:06:54 You've taught me so much

Jay Shetty 1:06:55 ... and I still find you as adorable-

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 1:06:57 Thanks, J

Jay Shetty 1:06:57 ... as I did 10 years ago.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 1:06:58 And that's a wrap, guys. [laughs]

Jay Shetty 1:07:01 [laughs] Thank you so much for watching and listening today. Make sure you tag Radhi and I with anything that stood out to you or anything that connected or resonated with you. As always, Radhi and I try to be extremely open, uh, and organic with you with these conversations. I hope you enjoyed it. I hope it helps you in your daily life, in your relationships, and with the people that you connect with. That's our only intention and our only goal. Uh, thank you so much for listening to On Purpose, and I'll see you on another episode. Thank you so much.

Radhi Devlukia-Shetty 1:07:30 Bye.

Jay Shetty 1:07:31 If you loved this episode, you're going to love my conversation with Matthew Hussey on how to get over your ex and find true love in your relationships