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Jay Shetty Podcast

Nessa Barrett ON How To Deal With Loneliness & Heal After A Breakup

I am so happy to welcome TikTok star-turned-singer, Nessa Barrett, to the podcast.

Nessa BarrettguestJay Shettyhost

Jul 17, 20231h 5mWatch on YouTube

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CHAPTERS

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Chapter summaries

Running Away From Home at 17
Jay Shetty asks Nessa Barrett about running away from home at 17. She describes booking a 4 AM flight to California, her parents trying to stop her, and packing her belongings into school and soccer bags.
- •Nessa felt trapped in her New Jersey hometown and knew she had to chase a music career
- •Her parents knew she planned to leave, took her suitcases, and had the cops come
- •She packed everything into old school and soccer bags and flew out
- •She has been in California for nearly four years
Courage, Anxiety, and Funding the Dream
Nessa says leaving was out of character for her, since she has bad anxiety and always followed rules. She had a panic attack on her connecting flight but kept going. She explains that a social media following gave her the money and audience to start.
- •She felt a pull from something beyond herself, possibly a higher power
- •She had a panic attack on her connecting flight but continued
- •A single video made at her friends' urging gained her a large following
- •The audience paid for flights and studio time, and people already knew her by her first song
Bullying, a Hard Home Life, and Healing with Family
Nessa describes a childhood of feeling left out and bullied, and seeing her parents struggle, which pushed her to want a better life. She says hypnotherapy let her reconnect with her parents, and she recently visited home for the first time since leaving.
- •She struggled to make friends and felt misunderstood in school
- •Her parents' financial and relationship struggles drove her to want something better
- •She refused to apply to colleges because a nine-to-five path wasn't for her
- •Hypnotherapy reached subconscious trauma and let her talk to her dad again
- •She now sees family as important no matter the past
Loneliness on the Road and Choosing Hard Things
Nessa names loneliness as her biggest challenge, describing the emptiness of a hotel room after performing for thousands. Jay shares his own experience of his first world tour. Nessa says she would rather face the struggles of a path she loves, and Jay stresses that every path has stress.
- •Performing for thousands and then returning to an empty hotel room feels deeply lonely
- •It is hard to find trustworthy people in Hollywood; she says she has found about four
- •Jay reflects on how hard touring would be starting at a young age
- •Nessa uses her struggles as material for her music
- •Jay notes that both following and not following a dream involve stress
Anorexia, Relapse, and Performing on Tour
Nessa explains how anorexia has been a major struggle for almost two years and how touring made it harder. She describes the pressure of being photographed on stage, breakdowns before shows, and forcing herself to eat to have the energy to perform.
- •Mental health has been a struggle since she was six
- •Being alone at home is easier for her anorexia than being around people on tour
- •Stage outfits and constant photos fuel her insecurity
- •She forces herself to eat so she can perform
- •Recovery has been the hardest thing she has dealt with, and she is considering treatment
What Loved Ones Should Know About Eating Disorders
Asked what people should understand, Nessa says eating disorders look different on everyone and can't be understood without experiencing them. She says love, patience, and support help most, and that well-meant words like "healthy" can trigger her. Jay adds that loving someone doesn't mean having to fix their problem.
- •There is no single look to an eating disorder
- •Advice like "just eat" misses the point of the disorder
- •Being called healthy can trigger her to spiral
- •Recovery takes time, and being rushed led her to a relapse
- •Jay says simply being there matters more than saying the perfect thing
Public vs. Private Breakups
Jay introduces her Eight Stages of a Breakup music and asks about the difference between public and private breakups. Nessa describes millions following her relationship, having speculation and hurtful comments on top of grief, and being unable to cut contact the way people normally do.
- •Breakups are painful but necessary for growth
- •Public breakups bring speculation and drama as entertainment
- •People forget public figures feel real emotions
- •She can't do the usual out-of-sight, out-of-mind approach
- •A song with an ex adds to the difficulty
How the Eight Stages Came Together and the Desperate Stage
Nessa explains that the eight-stages concept came together after her EP was finished, when she realized its eight songs mirrored the stages of a breakup. She names the desperate, bargaining stage as the hardest because it reopens the wound.
- •The concept emerged after she listened to the finished EP
- •She framed it as an alternative to the seven stages of grief
- •The desperate stage involves doing anything to keep the person in your life
- •It crushes you more, and it is a stage you could skip
Codependency and the Longest Stage of Healing
Nessa says recovering from codependency is the longest stage, since a partner becomes your comfort and safe place. Jay asks what helped her, and she cites therapy, isolating to focus on herself, and prioritizing her own healing.
- •A partner becomes your comfort, so losing them leaves you craving them
- •Learning to be that person for yourself takes the longest
- •Therapy and a period of isolation helped her focus on herself
- •She describes getting to know herself like the start of a relationship
- •Love for an ex never fully goes away, so sadness can resurface
Believing You Deserve Love: Self-Love as the Key
Jay asks how to keep faith in being lovable during the long stage. Nessa describes sinking into believing no one would love her, then realizing in therapy that she couldn't love anyone well without loving herself. She says self-love is the key.
- •Tearing yourself down keeps you from wanting to heal
- •She went through a phase of not caring about relationships at all
- •Therapy showed her nothing changes without self-love
- •Self-love lets you be comfortable alone
Finding Things to Love About Yourself
Jay asks how to find self-love when society ties self-worth to others' opinions. Nessa says she began by thinking of her younger self and what she would be proud of, and by recognizing her strength. Jay urges listeners to replay this, tying it to self-respect coming from discomfort.
- •Thinking of her six-year-old self helped her find pride
- •Self-love goes deeper than other love because you know your worst parts
- •She is proud of surviving things she thought she couldn't
- •Jay says self-care comes from comfort but self-respect from discomfort
- •What you've survived is yours and can't be taken away
The Burn Box and Interactive Healing Shows
Jay praises the burn box ritual from her shows and asks where it came from. Nessa explains she wanted her shows to be a healing moment where fans anonymously write what they want to let go of and watch it burn. She also shares her wish to give fans the mic, and Jay describes the interactive elements of his own tour.
- •Fans anonymously write struggles on paper and watch them burn on stage
- •She wanted shows to be a bonding, healing experience rather than just songs
- •Fans cried and called it their favorite part
- •She wants to someday let fans tell their stories on stage
- •Some venues couldn't allow it because of safety hazards
Advice for Young Artists: Be Honest and True to Yourself
Jay asks what young artists need to be supported. Nessa advises being vocal, honest, and vulnerable with those closest to you, and staying true to yourself instead of chasing hits. She says that authenticity is what will let her sustain her career.
- •Being open with her team created a stable support system
- •It's easy to lose yourself trying to be who people want
- •She won't release a song just because it would be a hit
- •Building a career as herself makes her proudest
- •Her advice to aspiring artists is to be themselves
Final Five: Advice, Breakups, and a Law of Love
In the closing rapid-fire segment, Nessa gives her best and worst advice, boundaries for a people-pleasing friend, what keeps her up at night, how to break up kindly, and a law that people should hug someone in pain. Jay then wraps up with thanks.
- •Best advice: let go and let God; worst advice: text him
- •Boundaries and caution help people pleasers
- •Anything and everything keeps her up at night
- •Break up with honesty, compassion, and without cheating
- •Her law: give love and a hug to someone visibly in pain

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