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Reneé Rapp OPENS Up On Traumatic Past: "I Was Missing For Seven Hours"

Today, actress and singer Reneé Rapp, sits down with me to share her incredible journey.

Reneé RappguestJay Shettyhost

Sep 4, 20231h 6mWatch on YouTube

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Transcript

70 min read · 13,940 words

0:00 – 1:12
Intro
1. RRReneé Rapp
  I was drugged and just, like, missing for, like, seven hours. I didn't wanna find out what happened. I want revenge. Her EP is called Everything to Everyone.
2. JSJay Shetty
  It's Reneé Rapp in the building. Let's give her a round of applause.
3. RRReneé Rapp
  Yay. I was shamed for so many years for being so hyper-emotional and crying so much and, like, getting angry so fast. I just am so afraid to celebrate myself and then be, like, slapped in the face. I don't want that. I value, like, being very true to how you feel, whether that's a good feeling or not.
4. JSJay Shetty
  That's powerful. Before we jump into this episode, I'd like to invite you to join this community to hear more interviews that will help you become happier, healthier, and more healed. All I want you to do is click on the subscribe button. I love your support. It's incredible to see all your comments, and we're just getting started. I can't wait to go on this journey with you. Thank you so much for subscribing. It means the world to me.
5. SPSpeaker
  The bestselling author and host-
6. JSJay Shetty
  The number one health and wellness podcast- On Purpose with Jay Shetty. I feel like you've been through so much change.
7. RRReneé Rapp
  [laughs]
8. JSJay Shetty
  So many, you know, career paths. And then I was like-
9. RRReneé Rapp
  Yeah
10. JSJay Shetty
  ... you're so young as well.
11. RRReneé Rapp
  Yeah.
12. JSJay Shetty
  And I was like, wow. Like, it's so much that you've been through. And I guess my first question
1:12 – 2:07
Who Is Reneé Rapp?
1. JSJay Shetty
  is, how do you feel about where you've landed now? Like, who is the Reneé today? What version of this is you? How are you feeling?
2. RRReneé Rapp
  Yeah. My manager and I were just talking about this in the car. Every couple months I get into this, like, new wave of, like, where, like, something really settles in where I'm, like, in a new level, or I feel like personally I'm at a new level, or I'm at, like, a different level of visibility. Typically, in the past, it's felt really good. Right now, to be honest, it feels very, um, scary in, like, a lot of ways. Just, like, in a ... I'm really aware of myself [laughs] all of a sudden. Um, so I love the changes. I feel very grateful right now, um, for everything I've done, and hopefully, knock on wood or whatever, continue to do. But the new, the new-
3. JSJay Shetty
  [laughs]
4. RRReneé Rapp
  ... the newness and the new levels, when they come, it, it knocks me.
2:07 – 4:32
Worrying About How Others Perceive You
1. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
2. RRReneé Rapp
  It knocks me.
3. JSJay Shetty
  What's scary?
4. RRReneé Rapp
  I am v- becoming much more aware of how people perceive me.
5. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
6. RRReneé Rapp
  And whether that's, um, good or bad or in between, I feel some kinda way about it.
7. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
8. RRReneé Rapp
  And I'm trying to, like, let that go really bad. I'm trying really, really hard. It's not been working. [laughs] Um, I, like, we had, like, a bunch of, like, stuff come out this morning about, like, the album, and granted, this is all, like, fairly good news, but I, like, immediately just started having such an anxiety attack 'cause I was like, "Oh, I just don't want anybody to ever speak about me again," which is exactly why I'm here today [laughs] and exactly why I keep doing this. Um-
9. JSJay Shetty
  [laughs]
10. RRReneé Rapp
  ... yeah, it's, it's a weird thing. I, I don't know. I don't know. It's, it's interesting. It's never really sat with me before in that way. Like, this really hit me about a week ago, where I was like, "Oh, I've actually chosen to, like, have a very visible life."
11. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
12. RRReneé Rapp
  It just really hit me, to be honest. [laughs]
13. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
14. RRReneé Rapp
  So I'm like, "Okay."
15. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah. In my own small way, I can relate to that as well-
16. RRReneé Rapp
  Ah, it's, it's-
17. JSJay Shetty
  ... in, in my own world. Like, it's-
18. RRReneé Rapp
  ... it's the same thing, though.
19. JSJay Shetty
  What's really interesting is I think from the outside in-
20. RRReneé Rapp
  Yeah
21. JSJay Shetty
  ... a level-up looks quite, at least from the way I perceive it, my opinion-
22. RRReneé Rapp
  Sure. Sure, sure
23. JSJay Shetty
  ... I think from the outside in, most people's careers' level-up look very orchestrated-
24. RRReneé Rapp
  Mm-hmm
25. JSJay Shetty
  ... and manufactured-
26. RRReneé Rapp
  Mm-hmm
27. JSJay Shetty
  ... when in reality they're a lot more organic-
28. RRReneé Rapp
  Yeah
29. JSJay Shetty
  ... and they're a lot more natural.
30. RRReneé Rapp
  I think so. I think so, especially, like, especially of c- I'm, I'm such, like, a internet rat. Like, I really have to get better about, like, not reading everything. I'm, I'm so bad at that. I, like, commend people who are good at being like, "I'm gonna turn my phone off and not take this to heart." I cannot do that. I care so much, and I gotta let that go. [laughs]
4:32 – 6:02
The Scary Experience With Drew Barrymore’s Stalker
1. JSJay Shetty
  obviously I think everyone's seen it, the video where you sadly have a stalker coming up to you and Drew on set, on stage-
2. RRReneé Rapp
  Yeah
3. JSJay Shetty
  ... and then it's almost like looks like you've been notified, and you kinda see it coming, and then you're protecting Drew. Like, I mean, like, when you have moments like that happen, does that almost make you feel more vulnerable and susceptible or...?
4. RRReneé Rapp
  I feel like even just saying it out loud, it sounds so silly and so, like, woe is me, b- but I really was so weirded out by that whole thing. And I, uh, that's not to say that, like, it, it shouldn't be. I just like, I don't know. She's such a G, and she's such a pro and sadly has probably had that happen her entire life. I've never been in situations where that has happened to myself, luckily, or anybody around me. That was so sc- I, I ... 'cause-
5. JSJay Shetty
  Understandable
6. RRReneé Rapp
  ... I don't know. Like, you never, he had, like, a bag on him, and I was like, "Okay, I just don't know where this could go." Also, I'm, I live in fight or flight just by nature of having so much anxiety, so, like, when you see me, like, twitch in that video and, like, go, it's, like, half of, like, A, I'm, like, a pretty, like, [laughs] transparent person. Like, if somebody, like, scares me, you're gonna know. And also, B, like, that was so jarring for me.
7. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
8. RRReneé Rapp
  But yeah, I don't know. I've just never been through anything like that before. To me, I'm like, I know it sounds very woe is me and silly, but it did scare the hell outta me.
9. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah. No-
10. RRReneé Rapp
  It was very weird
11. JSJay Shetty
  ... fully understandable.
12. RRReneé Rapp
  Yeah.
13. JSJay Shetty
  I, I'm glad that, you know, it didn't go any further than it did.
14. RRReneé Rapp
  Same.
15. JSJay Shetty
  And yeah, it's always worrying. Again, I think it's the unpredictability of it. I was
6:02 – 8:30
Preparing Yourself For Future Disappointment
1. JSJay Shetty
  reading a study that was saying that-
2. RRReneé Rapp
  Mm-hmm
3. JSJay Shetty
  ... humans would rather know 100%- ... that a bad thing's going to happen, as opposed to have a 50/50 chance of it happening or not happening.
4. RRReneé Rapp
  Oh my God, yeah, probably.
5. JSJay Shetty
  Right? Like, we, we would rather know that something bad's gonna happen, rather than live in this world of like, it could or it couldn't.
6. RRReneé Rapp
  Yeah.
7. JSJay Shetty
  Like, that uncertainty. You've been doing this for a long time.
8. RRReneé Rapp
  Yeah.
9. JSJay Shetty
  What parts of your anxiety have you got better at dealing with-
10. RRReneé Rapp
  [laughs]
11. JSJay Shetty
  ... and what parts of anxiety are, like, still just flaring up?
12. RRReneé Rapp
  Well, it's funny, 'cause I think that I 100- I get what you're saying, because 100% of my decision-making happens before I do something. Like this morning, right? Like, when, like, chart data or things are coming out about, like, the album. Before anything was even posted, published, out there, whatever, I had already made the assumption and was already like, "Okay, people are gonna be upset about this. This is gonna be not real," and I've already decided that it's bad before it happens so that I've- I can prepare myself to at least not be so disappointed.
13. JSJay Shetty
  Mm-hmm.
14. RRReneé Rapp
  Um, so I definitely do that. Uh-
15. JSJay Shetty
  And does that help?
16. RRReneé Rapp
  I actually don't know. I don't know, because for everyone around me, like, all they say is like, "We really want you to enjoy things," and like, "We want you to be having fun, and we want you to be able to celebrate yourself." I just am so afraid to celebrate myself and then be, like, slapped in the face.
17. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
18. RRReneé Rapp
  I don't want that.
19. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
20. RRReneé Rapp
  I would... I don't know, and I don't know if it's not great to say I would rather live in a state of, like, just, like, chilling and, like, hope that nothing horrific happens, but be prepared if it does.
21. JSJay Shetty
  Mm-hmm.
22. RRReneé Rapp
  I don't know what's better or worse.
23. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
24. RRReneé Rapp
  I'm not sure.
25. JSJay Shetty
  No, I d- I don't think there is. I just wanted to know-
26. RRReneé Rapp
  I, uh-
27. JSJay Shetty
  ... whether you feel, yeah.
28. RRReneé Rapp
  No, yeah, I, I don't know. I mean, don't get me wrong, I would love to enjoy things a little bit more.
29. JSJay Shetty
  [laughs]
30. RRReneé Rapp
  I'm not really there right now. I still, I still, I think, have, like, the same anxieties as when I started. It's just more that I'm, I'm much more aware of how I'm perceived now.
8:30 – 10:47
On Worrying That “I Will Never Write A Good Song Again”
1. JSJay Shetty
  the outside noise when you're creating and when you're making, and are you able to do that? Or is it just so hard and-
2. RRReneé Rapp
  It's not something that I really think of when I'm creating. It's something I think of when I'm acting.
3. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
4. RRReneé Rapp
  I'm more so thinking about, like, for me, like, do I feel like I'm doing the best I possibly can? I'm so hypercritical of myself when I'm writing that I'm not even worried about another person, 'cause I don't even have the space in my brain to think about someone else's opinion, if that makes sense.
5. JSJay Shetty
  Mm. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
6. RRReneé Rapp
  Um, which I guess is nice.
7. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah, it sounds great.
8. RRReneé Rapp
  [laughs]
9. JSJay Shetty
  It sounds good to me. [laughs]
10. RRReneé Rapp
  It's a little nicer, yeah. It's bad when I write, like, a really bad song, though.
11. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
12. RRReneé Rapp
  'Cause when I write a bad song, like, my, like, worst critic is myself, and it's like, oof.
13. JSJay Shetty
  What's, what's the thought you think you repeat the most at those times?
14. RRReneé Rapp
  That I will never write another good song again.
15. JSJay Shetty
  It goes to that extreme?
16. RRReneé Rapp
  Oh my God-
17. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah
18. RRReneé Rapp
  ... in two seconds, and that everybody around me is lying to me, and that everybody who is kind enough to work with me and, um, put their time and energy toward things that I really want for my career, and how sweet that is, that they're all making ginormous mistakes, and this is all a leap of faith that they've taken that they're going to regret.
19. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
20. RRReneé Rapp
  Immediately jump into that, totally.
21. JSJay Shetty
  And then how long would you sit in that for?
22. RRReneé Rapp
  A long time. A long time. Like this morning, again, good things were happening, and I was just like, in my head, I'm just like, "They're all lying to me." I'm like, "There's no way."
23. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
24. RRReneé Rapp
  Mind you, these are people who I trust and love-
25. JSJay Shetty
  Yes
26. RRReneé Rapp
  ... and who are giving up time out of their lives to work toward a goal that I really want so deeply.
27. JSJay Shetty
  Mm-hmm.
28. RRReneé Rapp
  Like, these are lovely people. It has nothing to do with them and everything to do with me. But yeah, I sit in that all the time.
29. JSJay Shetty
  And then what gets you out of it?
30. RRReneé Rapp
  I just keep going. Like, resilience, and also just I want it so bad.
10:47 – 13:18
Managing The Critical Inner Voices
1. JSJay Shetty
  these characters in your head have names and voices and hers and his and theirs?
2. RRReneé Rapp
  My God-
3. JSJay Shetty
  [laughs]
4. RRReneé Rapp
  ... they're all, they're all, they're all me.
5. JSJay Shetty
  [laughs]
6. RRReneé Rapp
  They're just all different versions of me.
7. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
8. RRReneé Rapp
  Like, the, like, fear of failure is, like, me as, like, a kid-
9. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah
10. RRReneé Rapp
  ... I think, 'cause I, like, I used to set, like, such obnoxious goals for myself as a child. Like, and it would keep changing. I would be like, "If I'm not Beyonce by the time I'm 18, I have failed."
11. JSJay Shetty
  Wow.
12. RRReneé Rapp
  Insane.
13. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah. [laughs]
14. RRReneé Rapp
  And it, it used to be things like that. It used to be... And I, and when I was really, really little, I'd be like, "If I am not on Disney Channel by the time that I am 13, I might as well just end it all."
15. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
16. RRReneé Rapp
  Like, they were just such extreme, extreme things.
17. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
18. RRReneé Rapp
  Um, so they're just all different versions of myself-
19. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah
20. RRReneé Rapp
  ... that just kinda coexist, or lack thereof.
21. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
22. RRReneé Rapp
  [laughs] They don't have that. [laughs]
23. JSJay Shetty
  And do you find yourself still repeating those audacious goals even now, or?
24. RRReneé Rapp
  Oh my God, every day.
25. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
26. RRReneé Rapp
  Every day. And they're, they're, let's be clear, they're things that I'm not necessarily proud of. Like-
27. JSJay Shetty
  No, no, I get that, yeah.
28. RRReneé Rapp
  Yeah, like-
29. JSJay Shetty
  It's coming across, yeah, yeah, I get it.
30. RRReneé Rapp
  100... Okay, fabulous.
13:18 – 17:01
Not Being Able To Enjoy Your Success
1. RRReneé Rapp
  Insane. I also would never hold someone else to the standard that I hold myself, and I'm very aware of that. It doesn't change how I feel, sadly.
2. JSJay Shetty
  Mm-hmm.
3. RRReneé Rapp
  But I never in my life would say to somebody if they're like, "My debut album debuted at 5,600 whatever," I'd be like, "That is amazing."
4. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
5. RRReneé Rapp
  "What an incredible amount of work, blood, sweat, and tears you and so many other people around you have put into this, and this is an accomplishment that you should celebrate for years and years on end."
6. JSJay Shetty
  Mm-hmm.
7. RRReneé Rapp
  And believe every single word of that. For myself, I'm like-
8. JSJay Shetty
  [laughs]
9. RRReneé Rapp
  ... "Could've done better. I should've done more."
10. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
11. RRReneé Rapp
  I'm just immediately like, "What should I have done better?"
12. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
13. RRReneé Rapp
  Which is silly.
14. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
15. RRReneé Rapp
  But it is a kind of, like, a human thing, I guess.
16. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah, and I think it's that almost ... It's interesting, isn't it? It's like that's the same mindset that will make you improve and get better, but it's the same mindset that can slow you down and-
17. RRReneé Rapp
  Yes
18. JSJay Shetty
  ... drain you.
19. RRReneé Rapp
  It is, it is also the lifestyle that I have been, like, praised for by, like, adult figures in my life since I was very young. And-
20. JSJay Shetty
  That's where it comes from
21. RRReneé Rapp
  ... oh my God, absolutely. Absolutely. Like, I don't blame anyone or think this is, like, a negative thing that somebody, you know, put in my brain, but I do always think of it. Like, I used to, like, finish, like, basketball games or, like, any sort of competitive thing that I would do, whether it was, like, sports or, like, some, like, showcase-
22. JSJay Shetty
  Mm-hmm
23. RRReneé Rapp
  ... for, like, singing, and, like, my first, like, comment from, like, my parents, who I love and who are so supportive, but my first comment from my parents would be like, "Okay, what could you have done better?"
24. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
25. RRReneé Rapp
  Even if I would've, like, crushed.
26. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
27. RRReneé Rapp
  And so, like, that is honestly my thought every single time, which in a way is really great.
28. JSJay Shetty
  Mm-hmm.
29. RRReneé Rapp
  'Cause I'm always, like, trying to make myself better and also, like, hold myself accountable for places that I, um, slipped up, could've done more, didn't do enough.
30. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
17:01 – 20:07
On Stepping Away From The Sex Lives of College Girls
1. JSJay Shetty
  gonna definitely miss you on, uh, Sex Lives of College Girls.
2. RRReneé Rapp
  Thanks.
3. JSJay Shetty
  Like, I, your character's awesome.
4. RRReneé Rapp
  [laughs] Thanks.
5. JSJay Shetty
  Me and my, me and my wife watch the show all the time and absolutely loved it.
6. RRReneé Rapp
  Thanks.
7. JSJay Shetty
  What, what you were just talking about earlier, like, acting was actually a space that made you feel a lot more-
8. RRReneé Rapp
  Yeah
9. JSJay Shetty
  ... like, anxious and everything. Was that the reason to switch over, or what was it for you that made you go, "You know what? I need to step away"?
10. RRReneé Rapp
  No, I mean, to be honest, like, I inevitably, like, one day am, like, very excited to, to talk about it. I can't say a ton about it, being with the SAG strike. That being said, acting to me was always just so scary. It was just so scary. It was just something I had no confidence in-
11. JSJay Shetty
  Mm-hmm
12. RRReneé Rapp
  ... and thought I was just so, so, so terrible at. It was something that came later on in my life, at least to this point, later on in my life, I was, like, 18, 19, that I just didn't think I could do.
13. JSJay Shetty
  Mm-hmm.
14. RRReneé Rapp
  And it became, like, a really amazing opportunity to, like, get people's attention to pay attention to me to do music-
15. JSJay Shetty
  Right
16. RRReneé Rapp
  ... which I didn't feel like I was getting when I was younger, or at least it was harder for me to.
17. JSJay Shetty
  Mm, mm.
18. RRReneé Rapp
  But I just really, really wanted attention musically.
19. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
20. RRReneé Rapp
  And I wanted to, like, get signed and do, like, the whole thing. And when acting became a conduit for that- I just was like, "Well, okay, I guess I gotta d- do this."
21. JSJay Shetty
  Wow.
22. RRReneé Rapp
  Like, I would be silly not to do this.
23. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
24. RRReneé Rapp
  I still felt so, so incredibly insecure around it. I just was like, "I cannot do this." I was like, "I'm gonna get fired from any job that I have-
25. JSJay Shetty
  Mm-hmm
26. RRReneé Rapp
  ... when it comes to acting." So it's something I've developed a love for now-
27. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah
28. RRReneé Rapp
  ... later on. Actors are so, so, so thoughtful.
29. JSJay Shetty
  Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
30. RRReneé Rapp
  So thoughtful, and so, like, careful and articulate, and, like, you really have to, like, rid yourself of, like, the judgment.
20:07 – 22:19
Expressing Feelings Through Songwriting
1. RRReneé Rapp
  Yeah.
2. JSJay Shetty
  What, what's been your most difficult insecurity to channel in music? Like, what's been the hardest thing to actually communicate and express, and why do you think that is?
3. RRReneé Rapp
  It's interesting. I feel like I express most of my insecurities and things that I think-
4. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah
5. RRReneé Rapp
  ... pretty well, and f- it's pretty openly.
6. JSJay Shetty
  Absolutely. No, I think you do. That's why.
7. RRReneé Rapp
  No, totally.
8. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah, yeah, yeah.
9. RRReneé Rapp
  Totally. But even though I do, I still constantly feel like [laughs] I'm so not communicating anything well, anything at all, even though I know I do that, you know?
10. JSJay Shetty
  Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
11. RRReneé Rapp
  Like, that is the entire basis of, like, my, like, songwriting, is, like, exactly how I feel and, like, letting that go. Again, whether it be something I'm, like, proud of this thought and opinion I have or whether it's something that I'm not proud of, but at the end of the day, that is how I feel and that is my art and that is the reason why I put it out there, whatever, I still judge every inch of it so harshly. Like, I cannot let it go. Like, I wrote, like, a bunch of songs on my album, and I'm really, like, proud of the things that I said and, like, proud of the place that it comes from, and then I'll panic about having written it and be like, "Oh my God, I shouldn't have said that. That was so stupid." Like, yeah, is this, like, sending the wrong, like, message or something, or am I, you know, going against everything I believe in? And then I'm like, no, that is actually just, like, how I felt in that moment.
12. JSJay Shetty
  Mm-hmm.
13. RRReneé Rapp
  And, like, not everything I say is, like, bible and, like, how you should live your life. Please, God, don't. [laughs] But, like, it- I don't know. I, I communicate it all-
14. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah
15. RRReneé Rapp
  ... and I'm proud of how I do, but I don't let that just be.
16. JSJay Shetty
  Mm-hmm.
17. RRReneé Rapp
  Like, I- that just never exists.
18. JSJay Shetty
  Mm-hmm.
19. RRReneé Rapp
  So I can over-communicate as much as humanly possible and still be incredibly insecure, um, about what I'm saying-
20. JSJay Shetty
  Mm-hmm
21. RRReneé Rapp
  ... or, like, how it is received.
22. JSJay Shetty
  Absolutely. Just sitting with you for a few moments, I really feel like when you do describe what anxiety feels like-
23. RRReneé Rapp
  Yeah
24. JSJay Shetty
  ... a lot of the time when people talk about anxiety, it sounds like the- here.
25. RRReneé Rapp
  Uh-huh.
26. JSJay Shetty
  Or it sounds like here.
27. RRReneé Rapp
  Yeah, sure.
28. JSJay Shetty
  Like, their chest is tight or they feel uncomfortable.
29. RRReneé Rapp
  Sure.
30. JSJay Shetty
  But when I hear you speak about it, you speak about it from here-
22:19 – 26:22
Resilience Is Needed When Pursuing Your Passion
1. JSJay Shetty
  stood out that I wanted to share with you.
2. RRReneé Rapp
  Yeah.
3. JSJay Shetty
  "I'll make it through the winter if it kills me. I can make it faster if I hurry. I'll angel in the snow until I'm worthy. But if it kills me, I tried. If it kills me." And when I was- there was a couple of lines in there that I wanted to kind of break down with you-
4. RRReneé Rapp
  Mm-hmm
5. JSJay Shetty
  ... if that's okay.
6. RRReneé Rapp
  Yeah, no, please.
7. JSJay Shetty
  So one was, "I'll make it through the winter if it kills me."
8. RRReneé Rapp
  Uh-huh.
9. JSJay Shetty
  And I was like, when do you feel like you're most in winter? Like, when does it feel the coldest?
10. RRReneé Rapp
  [sighs] In the moments of me getting so riled up and so, um, panicked and freaked out about my career, my family, being a good friend, like, when I'm just, like, really, really, really, really, really, I don't know, just coming for myself, to be honest, I s- I never feel like I'm gonna, like, stop. Like, I just always feel resilient in a sick way, honestly, in a way that has really, really, really helped me-
11. JSJay Shetty
  Mm-hmm
12. RRReneé Rapp
  ... but is crazy. Sometimes I think about it and I'm very confused. Like, I genuinely don't know where it comes from or, like, what it is, but, like, I could be having the worst day of my life and I would still be like, "Yeah, this sucks," and, like, "This is the worst day of my life, and I feel like a terrible person, and I feel like I've done something really, really horrible," and I'm still not going to stop what I'm doing. Not that behavior, I guess. [laughs]
13. JSJay Shetty
  [laughs]
14. RRReneé Rapp
  But, like, I'm still not going to stop, like-
15. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah
16. RRReneé Rapp
  ... making music or doing the thing that I love. And it's silly now in retrospect, 'cause I get it. Like, you're kids, you say dumb things. But, like, I would, like, post these singing videos online when I was in high school, and, like, all these girls would, like, go on Twitter and, like, say how terrible of a singer I was and how I was just so silly and I looked stupid, and I remember that so, so well, and I remember it really hurting my feelings, but at the same time, I still kept posting videos. It wasn't like it didn't hurt my feelings.
17. JSJay Shetty
  Mm-hmm.
18. RRReneé Rapp
  But I was like, "You're not gonna stop me from doing the thing that I love to do-
19. JSJay Shetty
  Mm-hmm
20. RRReneé Rapp
  ... and that I want to do So winter is always
21. JSJay Shetty
  [laughs]
22. RRReneé Rapp
  But Winter is resilient.
23. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah
24. RRReneé Rapp
  And Snow Angel as, as a whole is just full of resilience.
25. JSJay Shetty
  Absolutely. What, what makes you feel worthy now?
26. RRReneé Rapp
  I feel, I feel worthy when the people around me are happy. Which I guess is something inherently that's like, ugh, that sucks. Like, I should feel worthy when I feel good about myself. But I really do at this point in my life. I feel, I feel worthy when the people around me are happy and proud of me.
27. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
28. RRReneé Rapp
  If I feel like the people around me are happy and proud of me and they're okay, then I feel okay. And that goes for, like, our, like, kind of, like, community and, like, fandom, too. Like, if they like things and they feel good, then I feel good. And if they don't, then I don't feel good, which sucks.
29. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
30. RRReneé Rapp
  I ha- I know that's something I have to inevitably work on and find some sort of equilibrium to, like, be balanced and stuff, but right now it's really just, like, it sucks, but it's when other people are proud of me, then I am proud of myself.
26:22 – 34:45
The Harrowing Story Behind The Song ‘Snow Angel’
1. JSJay Shetty
  in your life that you think have made you become resilient? Like, when did that, when did you start to look at your life and go, "I've been through a lot of tough stuff-
2. RRReneé Rapp
  Yeah
3. JSJay Shetty
  ... and that's built resilience"? What were some of those events, or what was a moment that you felt made you resilient?
4. RRReneé Rapp
  Yeah. It's interesting. Whenever I start to, like, a- again, like, compliment or, or, like, like, pat myself on the back in any sense of the word, I get so, like... My immediate, like, response, to be frank, was to be like, "Well, I've had it very easy, and da-da-da, and I'm good." And don't get me wrong, I have in many, many ways, but I think that I, I feel like my resilience comes from, like, two different things: A, like things I actually go through; B, things that, like how I speak to myself. I'm very resilient when it comes to how I speak to myself. Like, if I had the, the inner monologue that I have that was from another human being, oh, my God. Like, that would suck. That would suck. But for whatever reason, I keep pushing through and keep going, [laughs] and that doesn't really change that much, but I keep going.
5. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
6. RRReneé Rapp
  But, like, situations, like, for instance, like, so Snow Angel, which was, like, the single of this album and is now, like, the album title and everything, is something that I've, like, talked about for, for months, really just being like, "Okay, this is a situation that happened to me, and this is something that, like, I'll eventually talk about. But like, I want you to, like, have the song, sit with the song, interpret it in the way that you need, and feel like it can, like, sit on you so that you have it." Because, like, the situation of that song, A, is something that I pray and doesn't, not something legit that everybody can, like, relate to in the sense that I went through it, which I'm very glad [laughs] about. But, like, that was a huge moment of resilience for me, and even writing the song I feel like was resilience. And then in a way, holding back from then talking about it for a couple months was resilience. So it shows up in my life in a lot of different ways. But for that specifically, it was January, maybe late January, early February of 2022, and I had just gone through, like, a breakup, and it was really tough. And it was, like, the first time I had ever been really in love with someone and then experienced, like, a breakup, and I had always... I had been in relationships back to back for, like, five years, so my, like, later teen years were all that. And so at this point, I'm 22, and I started, like, having, like, freedom in my life kind of for the first time. And I was living here in LA, and I was, like, hanging out in a new group of people, and they were like, they were partiers, and they, like, really sent it, [laughs] really sent it. I, like, had heard from, like, my family and, like, my friends around me that, like, "This isn't really, like, a good group, we don't think, for you." And that's not to say that these are bad people-
7. JSJay Shetty
  Mm-hmm
8. RRReneé Rapp
  ... 'cause I, I don't, I don't believe that. I think that people can do bad things and be, still be good people sometimes. Um, [laughs]
9. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah. [laughs]
10. RRReneé Rapp
  So a couple of them.
11. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah. [laughs]
12. RRReneé Rapp
  Um, but I was, I was in this group of friends, and we were just, like, sending it, and it was the first time in my life where I wasn't working. I was fresh out of this relationship. I was just going there. And I think that I had always had to, like, really, like, nail myself to the ground, and I had always been just so incredibly nervous, and for the first time I just, like, didn't. And I, like, really let my judgment go-
13. JSJay Shetty
  Mm
14. RRReneé Rapp
  ... when it came to the people that were around me. And we were all out, and it was just situation after situation where they were just not trustworthy. And then, like, the next thing you knew, I was face up, like, laying down in, like, a bathroom stall in a hotel, um, bar, just waking up at, like, 5:00 in the morning, like, completely alone. And I woke up, and I was like, I was just so confused. And I had, like, blood on my pants, and I was really just, like, so ... caught off guard. And I, like, looked down. I had my phone and my purse, and I looked down, and I was completely alone in a bathroom stall. And I looked at my phone, and it was, like, 5:00 in the morning. I was like, "What happened?" I was like, "I was out at, like, a party with, like, my friends." And I had missed two texts from two people that I was with at, like, 10:30 the night before [laughs] , which was, like, seven hours had gone by, that was like, "Hey, I guess you left. Like, we'll, you know, see you when we see you." And mind you, I was dating somebody in the group at that time, and so I didn't go to this place alone, and I had, like, a boyfriend or a situation or whatever, somebody that I was at least with, that just was nowhere to be found. And so I still have no idea what happened, no clue what happened, but I was drugged and just, like, missing for, like, seven hours. And I stopped being friends with those people and stopped doing as much partying as I was and told my parents, told some of my friends, and, um, just kind of explained it in, like, a really matter-of-fact way, and they were all very concerned. And I didn't really even understand what was happening, 'cause again, I didn't recall anything that had happened. And then a couple months later, we, like, really delve into it, and, like, I kind of started to, like, have to, like, deal with everything that happened, um, and was just crying and so upset and very confused and then resentful of those friends that I was with. But all that to say, then, like, a year later, we wrote Snow Angel, and I had been saying to Alexander, who I did this whole album with, like, "I really wanna write a song about this." I recounted the situation so many times, and after, like, the 10th time of telling, like, a group of people that you know through maybe just music sessions that you were, like, drugged, and you have no idea what happened, and you were, like, kind of into drugs at one point. But you don't really wanna talk about it, but you do wanna write a song about it, and them just being like... Then you kind of stop wanting to write that song-
15. JSJay Shetty
  Mm. Mm
16. RRReneé Rapp
  ... [laughs] naturally.
17. JSJay Shetty
  [laughs]
18. RRReneé Rapp
  So I was like, "Okay, I guess I just won't write anything about this." Um, and then eventually, Alexander, like, came back to me and was like, "I really wanna write that song that you were talking to me about, and I think you and I should just do it together." And I was like, "Okay." And then we started writing it, and it was just the two of us, and frankly, the whole time we were writing it, I felt nothing, nothing. Like, I was explaining all this stuff, and I was like, "Yeah, and you can, like, reference, like, the snow as whatever you wanna reference it as and things like that," and I felt nothing at all until we, like, had recorded the song, and the whole thing was done. And I played it for a bunch of my friends and my manager, and everybody was like, "This is insane." But for me, that whole year of my life was inherent resilience because not only was I, like, fighting through an experience I have no idea what happened to me, lost friends, felt like I couldn't go out with anybody and trust anybody, and then was, like, trying to explain the situation in a way that I understood it, but I didn't really understand it, and then wanted to write a song about it and wanted to write an album about it but was also afraid to be judged for having something like that happen to me. But it's also like, what did happen? [laughs] So it was a whole thing. Up until we decided to, like, name the album Snow Angel and have that be the song, that to me was all resilience because I was just, like, kind of cold face, like, fighting through everything, and I still don't really know how I feel about it.
19. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
20. RRReneé Rapp
  I just know that I feel weird and very resilient.
21. JSJay Shetty
  Mm. That's resilient, for sure.
22. RRReneé Rapp
  Yeah, that's resilient. [laughs]
23. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah, for sure. Yeah, for sure. I mean, have you ever been able to piece anything together from the night or not at all? Like, just nothing. That's, that must be so... That's almost, like, so disconnecting from-
24. RRReneé Rapp
  Very weird
25. JSJay Shetty
  ... yourself. Yeah.
26. RRReneé Rapp
  It's very weird. Yeah, no, I have no idea, and I just stopped-
27. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah
28. RRReneé Rapp
  ... talking to-
29. JSJay Shetty
  To the group, yeah
30. RRReneé Rapp
  ... the group of people. I was like, "I don't, I don't wanna know what you know or don't or what you claim to know or don't know."
34:45 – 41:06
Red Flags In Friendships
1. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah. What, what made you trust them in the first place that you now look back as a red flag and go, "I should've been aware"?
2. RRReneé Rapp
  I really wanted to have fun. I really wanted to have fun. I had just gone through this breakup, and I-
3. JSJay Shetty
  Mm-hmm
4. RRReneé Rapp
  ... had just changed a lot of my life, and I had just, you know, become visible in, like, a different way-
5. JSJay Shetty
  Mm-hmm
6. RRReneé Rapp
  ... in the career thing, and I just wanted to, like, party and have a good time. I didn't go to college, and I didn't have that experience, like, to, like, let loose and just, like, chill, and these were people that I saw were really partying too much-
7. JSJay Shetty
  Mm
8. RRReneé Rapp
  ... to a point. And I just, I wanted to have fun, and I wanted people who knew none of my friends, who knew nothing about my life, who didn't know my ex, who didn't know two exes ago, who knew nothing about me, and I was just, like, fresh new into the group.
9. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
10. RRReneé Rapp
  I don't know. It was just like, it was exciting to have a group of people that just did not care-
11. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah
12. RRReneé Rapp
  ... about anything else other than partying.
13. JSJay Shetty
  Mm-hmm.
14. RRReneé Rapp
  'Cause I cared so much about everything else. [laughs]
15. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
16. RRReneé Rapp
  I wanted that, like, level of just, like, escape and not dealing with it, and then I just escaped too far.
17. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah. How did they react when you kinda started to disconnect?
18. RRReneé Rapp
  To be honest, like, it wasn't a big deal.
19. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
20. RRReneé Rapp
  Like, it was, it was nothing to them to lose a friendship like that. It was, it wasn't a big deal to them, and that's, you know, whatever, I guess. The only time that I ever heard, like, anything was, like, when I started to, like, really release music and started getting more attention for it. Somebody was like, "Hey, you know, I would love to talk to you about, like, the time da, da, da, da, da," and I'm just like, "No, you don't." [laughs]
21. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
22. RRReneé Rapp
  Like, "No, you don't." No, you don't. And I feel like that person obviously... I mean, you don't just disappear, like, randomly. You just don't.
23. JSJay Shetty
  Mm-hmm.
24. RRReneé Rapp
  As far as I'm concerned, I could be way wrong and silly for thinking that, but, um, yeah, it wasn't a big deal to them.
25. JSJay Shetty
  Hmm.
26. RRReneé Rapp
  It was just nothing. And I've, I've made peace with it to just be like, "Okay, if that is how you react to something like that happening to me, then you don't value my life, friendship, and safety, um, in the way that I would value yours, so it's best we just part ways," and then we just never really talked again.
27. JSJay Shetty
  Hmm. That's hard as well to, like-
28. RRReneé Rapp
  Yeah
29. JSJay Shetty
  ... yeah, how does that feel to you now?
30. RRReneé Rapp
  [laughs] Um, I trust people really fast.
41:06 – 44:43
How Did It Feel Sharing This Story With The World?
1. JSJay Shetty
  Once you made that song-
2. RRReneé Rapp
  Uh-huh
3. JSJay Shetty
  ... how, as you were saying, you were trying to put it in and you were trying to get-
4. RRReneé Rapp
  Yeah
5. JSJay Shetty
  ... your team finally, Alexander, you said?
6. RRReneé Rapp
  Uh-huh.
7. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah, finally, like, you know, understood and was listening, and how did it then feel to put that out there in the world to then, obviously, you've talked about with your family and friends, and now for everyone to hear it? How did that feel?
8. RRReneé Rapp
  It was honestly weird for the first couple months 'cause I was like, I... What I wanted was for the song to live on its own-
9. JSJay Shetty
  Hmm
10. RRReneé Rapp
  ... and have its own kind of existence without my experience attached to it-
11. JSJay Shetty
  Hmm
12. RRReneé Rapp
  ... so that people could take it in in a way-
13. JSJay Shetty
  Mm-hmm
14. RRReneé Rapp
  ... that they weren't listening to the song and feeling, like, pity for me-
15. JSJay Shetty
  Mm-hmm
16. RRReneé Rapp
  ... in a way. I wanted everybody to have their own experience with it, 'cause again, w- this is a very specific song.
17. JSJay Shetty
  Sure.
18. RRReneé Rapp
  I also, however, would find myself, like, getting so frustrated, like [laughs] like, wanting to, like, talk about it and just, like, blurt it out before I was, like, fully, like, r- not ready to, but, like, before I was ready to, like, actually, like, make this, like, okay, this is a thing. Now the album is out. It was, like, a weird back and forth 'cause also I'm still very, like, angry from the situation.
19. JSJay Shetty
  Of course, yeah.
20. RRReneé Rapp
  As much as I wanna, like, move past it and push past, it would, it would just float between, like- I really like nobody knowing what this is about, and also, like, I want revenge. Like, you know what I mean?
21. JSJay Shetty
  Mm-hmm.
22. RRReneé Rapp
  And, and revenge for me-
23. JSJay Shetty
  Totally, it's like
24. RRReneé Rapp
  ... is just, like, talking about it-
25. JSJay Shetty
  Mm-hmm
26. RRReneé Rapp
  ... I guess. But yeah, it went, it went both ways. I am, however, really, really, really glad that people got to sit with it and take their kind of experiences with it. But it was really interesting seeing people's interpretations of the song. [laughs]
27. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
28. RRReneé Rapp
  Because somebody was like, "Oh my God, yeah, when it's cold outside, it's brutal," and I was like, "Yeah, girl."
29. JSJay Shetty
  [laughs]
30. RRReneé Rapp
  Like, that is amazing that you feel that way. I was like, art really is subjective.
44:43 – 50:28
What Brings You Joy?
1. JSJay Shetty
  today that you feel connect you to yourself? Like, what are the things that you love to do that make you kind of, you know, smile and laugh and, you know-
2. RRReneé Rapp
  [laughs]
3. JSJay Shetty
  ... bring joy to you?
4. RRReneé Rapp
  I, um, I love talking to people. I love ta- I'm, I'm such a, like, extroverted introvert. I, I really like, I... Relating is my favorite thing in the whole world.
5. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
6. RRReneé Rapp
  And, and whether it's, like, actually relating or having someone else or myself feel understood even if it's not necessarily relating, I love that. I love writing songs. Writing songs is my greatest weapon in this life. It's my favorite thing in the whole wide world. And I also j- honestly, the thing that I, like, love most in my life right now is, like, I love watching my little brother grow up. That's kind of like-
7. JSJay Shetty
  Aw
8. RRReneé Rapp
  ... a complete segue, but he-
9. JSJay Shetty
  That's great, yeah
10. RRReneé Rapp
  ... yeah, he's like, he's only a couple years younger than me, but he's, like, totally my baby.
11. JSJay Shetty
  [laughs]
12. RRReneé Rapp
  And so I'm, like, really trying to, like, cherish watching him, like, grow up. So yeah. Again, it's like the, all the, like, people connections. I'm like, I love the people in my life-
13. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah
14. RRReneé Rapp
  ... very much. [laughs] Yeah.
15. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah. My, my younger sister's, like, five years younger than me.
16. RRReneé Rapp
  Uh-huh.
17. JSJay Shetty
  And so I remember, like, when she was born, I remember holding her.
18. RRReneé Rapp
  Ugh.
19. JSJay Shetty
  And she's getting married in-
20. RRReneé Rapp
  Oh my God, stop
21. JSJay Shetty
  ... like a month, and she's 30 years old-
22. RRReneé Rapp
  Aw
23. JSJay Shetty
  ... 31 now, and it's just, like, such a, you know, it's-
24. RRReneé Rapp
  That's crazy
25. JSJay Shetty
  ... I feel the same way. Like, she's like my baby, and my baby's-
26. RRReneé Rapp
  Yes
27. JSJay Shetty
  ... getting married. Like, it's, it's a-
28. RRReneé Rapp
  Oh my God
29. JSJay Shetty
  ... it's a crazy feeling.
30. RRReneé Rapp
  It's insane.
50:28 – 52:13
What Would You Say To 10-Year-Old Renee?
1. JSJay Shetty
  you were sitting with 10-year-old Renee right now.
2. RRReneé Rapp
  Mm-hmm.
3. JSJay Shetty
  What does she need to hear?
4. RRReneé Rapp
  I, similar to have lived with a lot of years of beating myself up, I used to just live with this, like, inherent, like, guilt and regret, like, like cloud over me, like, just in a big way. And I used to think that, like, "Oh, I would tell my younger self to do, like, this, and this, and this better, or, like, this, and this, and this, or da, da, da, da, da." I am now, like, really deciding to, like, not regret any of it. That's not to say that I don't wanna hold myself accountable for things that I've done that aren't great, or for things that I inevitably will do that are not good, um, or that, you know, don't serve myself or other people. That's a separate conversation. This is more about I'm really so incredibly proud of, like, such a lively, spunky, monstrous little, like, 10-year-old girl who was so fearless.
5. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
6. RRReneé Rapp
  So fearless. Like, I was a rambunctious kid. I was crazy. I was inviting everybody in the neighborhood to my concerts on the fireplace. I was forcing people to come and listen to me sing. I was screaming for people to pay attention to me, and I'm really, really glad that I did that. And I, well, I would just say, like, do everything how you feel like you're going to, and when you mess up, just listen to yourself that you've, you've messed up.
7. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
8. RRReneé Rapp
  I would honestly just say, like, everything she did was great.
9. JSJay Shetty
  [laughs]
10. RRReneé Rapp
  Happy to be here in, in, you know, failures and in wins.
11. JSJay Shetty
  You've talked about being so self-aware. And you can hear it when you're, you know, when I'm talking to you today, I'm like, there's, there's such an awareness of who you were. There's such an awareness of-
12. RRReneé Rapp
  Sure
13. JSJay Shetty
  ... who you are, what
52:13 – 54:43
What Do You Need To Unlearn & What Do You Need To Learn?
1. JSJay Shetty
  you're feeling.
2. RRReneé Rapp
  Sure.
3. JSJay Shetty
  At this stage in your life, what are you hoping to unlearn for the future and learn for the future? If there was one thing you had to unlearn that you've developed, and if there was one thing you had to learn, what would you say they are?
4. RRReneé Rapp
  I would say something that I would like to learn is how to, like, I'm, I'm so hyper-aware of when I do this in situations, and I try so hard not to. Whenever someone is talking about something that they've experienced with somebody else, like whe- if somebody has hurt their feelings, right? Like, if my best friend is talking to me about someone who has hurt them-
5. JSJay Shetty
  Mm-hmm
6. RRReneé Rapp
  ... or harmed them, or done them wrong in the smallest or biggest sense of the word, all I can think in my brain is, like, "When have I done that in my life?" And just start, like, spiraling down this, like-
7. JSJay Shetty
  Mm
8. RRReneé Rapp
  ... "I remember when I did that to so and so," and, like, I need to call this person and be like, "I am so sorry for what I put you through when we were, like, four." Like, you know what I mean?
9. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
10. RRReneé Rapp
  And I really would like to not center myself in what somebody else is talking about, and it's not, at least it's not consciously a selfish thing. Like, I'm not actively trying to make my friend's grievance about myself.
11. JSJay Shetty
  Totally. It's just an automatic-
12. RRReneé Rapp
  But I do-
13. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah
14. RRReneé Rapp
  ... and I hate it, 'cause then I'm also like, "Oh my God, now I'm not as present with, like, my friend who's being so sweet and vulnerable with me." Um, and now I'm doing a disservice to her by, by not, you know, listening to her fully and, and being so hyper-conscious of, like, how I've acted or how I could've possibly showed up that way. I really want to unlearn that.
15. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
16. RRReneé Rapp
  I'm trying so hard-
17. JSJay Shetty
  Good answer
18. RRReneé Rapp
  ... not to do that. I hate when I do that. Um, granted, if I just keep beating myself up for it, then I'm gonna do it for the rest of my life, and then I'm never gonna, like, give myself grace for it. Um, something that I want to, well, I guess that's kind of learning and unlearning. Another thing that I wanna, like, learn or unlearn, I need a little more, like, internal patience.
19. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
20. RRReneé Rapp
  I need internal patience. I need internal patience and external judgment-
21. JSJay Shetty
  Mm
22. RRReneé Rapp
  ... really quick. Like, I really need a lot of internal patience. I also need to, like, not give people who have hurt me or done me wrong as much slack. Like, it's okay to, like, say that, like- No, thank you
23. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
24. RRReneé Rapp
  I'm good at, like, being done when I'm done-
25. JSJay Shetty
  Mm
26. RRReneé Rapp
  ... but it takes me a second.
27. JSJay Shetty
  Right.
28. RRReneé Rapp
  You know?
29. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
30. RRReneé Rapp
  Like, I think, like, with that group of friends, like, I should've taken maybe two things that happened before I ended up, like, face up, you know, before that.
54:43 – 56:45
On Struggling With An Eating Disorder
1. JSJay Shetty
  how have you kind of navigated the, the gr- you know, again, we're talking about change.
2. RRReneé Rapp
  Uh-huh.
3. JSJay Shetty
  You've talked about before, like, I think you were struggling with an eating disorder when you were 10.
4. RRReneé Rapp
  Mm-hmm.
5. JSJay Shetty
  You've talked obviously about how you've had the, you know, the gray area of your sexuality, like figuring that out.
6. RRReneé Rapp
  Mm-hmm.
7. JSJay Shetty
  Like, how have you got comfortable navigating, like, the gray?
8. RRReneé Rapp
  When it comes to, like, eating disorders, I think, at least, and this is not necessarily everyone else's opinion, but how I perceive it myself is eating disorders are something that you are always going to deal with and always going to have.
9. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
10. RRReneé Rapp
  Right? And this is not to compare it to alcoholism 'cause it is in nowhere, um, the same or different or whatever. It's not a comparison, but it is to say that, like, with alcohol, you can decide to put yourself in situations where there is going to be alcohol there or not, or, like, you are going to s- decide whether to drink or not. You are never going to decide whether you can eat or not. You have to. You have to. And again, that is not to, like, put down or make little of alcoholism or any sort of struggle like that. My dad has been sober my whole life but is an alcoholic. Um, and this is something we talk about constantly and try to better understand each other. It's hard with an eating disorder. That is just constantly gonna be around you. You have to eat to survive. Um, so that's a constant gray area for me.
11. JSJay Shetty
  Mm-hmm.
12. RRReneé Rapp
  I feel like I talk about it every day.
13. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
14. RRReneé Rapp
  So it's always just like, "How did I do with it today?" Or, "How am I gonna do with it tomorrow?"
15. JSJay Shetty
  It's a great mindset.
16. RRReneé Rapp
  It's like living in a gray area-
17. JSJay Shetty
  Mm
18. RRReneé Rapp
  ... which is really frustrating 'cause I think to myself a lot, like, I would love for this to be gone, but it is just not something that I'm never going to deal with. If I want to continue to be alive, I'm gonna be eating.
19. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
20. RRReneé Rapp
  And I'm gonna have food around me, and that's gonna make me feel crazy some days and out of control and insecure and really proud of myself and in full control other days. So there is a gray area with that constantly.
56:45 – 59:24
Navigating Sexuality & Labels
1. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
2. RRReneé Rapp
  When it comes to, like, sexuality, that's a whole other gray area that, like, at least for me, I over the last, like, six or seven months have become less gray, at least right now. But I think, I, at l- [laughs] this is gonna sound so silly, but, like, I try to, and granted this is also very easy for me to say 'cause, like, I am a queer person who, like, is still at the end of the day, like, a white woman and is cisgender and, like, I also am bisexual, so, like, I'm going to be in heteronormative relationships inevitably just based off of being bisexual potentially. I think for me it is easy to say, but I try to, like, view, like, the gray area or times when I'm, like, struggling for, like, a label if I don't f- like, I'll go through conversations with, like, my, like, girlfriend constantly of I'll be like, "I actually feel incredibly not bisexual right no-," like, and it's, it's silly, but they're things we talk about all the time, both of us with each other, and I'm just gonna try to view it as, like, a little pink area. Like, it's all good. It's all cool. It's pink. It's good. It's good whatever it is. Like, if I one day feel like this label or whatever or lack thereof does not suit me, then that's great, and that does not suit me, and I'm very fortunate to be able to make that decision and have that not affect my life in an incredibly massive way. A lot of other people are not, but I view it as a little pink area. It's just good.
3. JSJay Shetty
  [laughs]
4. RRReneé Rapp
  I'm trying not to be so angry with myself about it.
5. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
6. RRReneé Rapp
  I struggle to, like, want a, a rhyme and a reason and a label and a season to make sense every single day, and I'm just not there.
7. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
8. RRReneé Rapp
  And I don't think a lot of people are-
9. JSJay Shetty
  Mm-hmm
10. RRReneé Rapp
  ... so I think-
11. JSJay Shetty
  Mm-hmm
12. RRReneé Rapp
  ... it's fine.
13. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
14. RRReneé Rapp
  Like, straight people, at least as far as I'm concerned, don't, like, wake up every day and they're like, "Oh, my God. What level of straight am I today?" And then if you are one of those people, you're likely queer, so you know.
15. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah.
16. RRReneé Rapp
  Yeah.
17. JSJay Shetty
  We're so hardwired to be like, "You have to choose an answer," right?
18. RRReneé Rapp
  Oh, yeah.
19. JSJay Shetty
  I think whether it was school, whether it was parents, it was like-
20. RRReneé Rapp
  Yeah
21. JSJay Shetty
  ... there was always one right answer. You had to figure it out. There were no other options.
22. RRReneé Rapp
  Absolutely.
23. JSJay Shetty
  There was no gray.
24. RRReneé Rapp
  Yeah.
25. JSJay Shetty
  You're either right or wrong.
26. RRReneé Rapp
  Yes.
27. JSJay Shetty
  And so I think we still live in the right or wrong, and so it's really hard to-
28. RRReneé Rapp
  Totally
29. JSJay Shetty
  ... be like, "Well, if I don't have the right answer, I must have the wrong answer," but-
30. RRReneé Rapp
  Yes
59:24 – 1:06:33
Reneé On Final Five
1. JSJay Shetty
  vulnerable, so gracious, so kind with your time today. Uh-
2. RRReneé Rapp
  Thank you
3. JSJay Shetty
  ... I'm so grateful to get to know you today, and thank you for letting us into your mind. You know, I really feel... When I was sitting with you today, I was like, you really just kind of opened up your mind and, and let us walk in, and I appreciate that because-
4. RRReneé Rapp
  Thank you. I appreciate that
5. JSJay Shetty
  ... it's hard to do that, and I felt like you opened up some cupboards and some drawers and some, you know.
6. RRReneé Rapp
  [laughs]
7. JSJay Shetty
  Uh, but Reneé, we end every On Purpose episode with a fast five.
8. RRReneé Rapp
  Oh.
9. JSJay Shetty
  These final five have to be answered in one word to one sentence maximum.
10. RRReneé Rapp
  Okay.
11. JSJay Shetty
  I may ask you to expand, and I'll let you know.
12. RRReneé Rapp
  Okay.
13. JSJay Shetty
  All right. So Reneé, these are your final five or fast five. Question one: What is the best advice you've ever heard or received?
14. RRReneé Rapp
  Integrity over everything.
15. JSJay Shetty
  Mm. Okay. Great.
16. RRReneé Rapp
  Yeah.
17. JSJay Shetty
  Second question: What is the worst advice you've ever heard or received?
18. RRReneé Rapp
  Oh, just stop trying to care.
19. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
20. RRReneé Rapp
  My God.
21. JSJay Shetty
  Mm.
22. RRReneé Rapp
  I used to hear that all the time growing up.
23. JSJay Shetty
  [laughs]
24. RRReneé Rapp
  My God.
25. JSJay Shetty
  Yeah, you are gonna care.
26. RRReneé Rapp
  I'm like, are you kidding me?
27. JSJay Shetty
  [laughs]
28. RRReneé Rapp
  Now I care more 'cause I care about not caring.
29. JSJay Shetty
  [laughs]
30. RRReneé Rapp
  It's ridiculous.