The Jefferson Fisher PodcastThe Wrong (and Right) Way to Apologize ft. Cory Asbury
At a glance
WHAT IT’S REALLY ABOUT
Cory Asbury on apology, humility, and repairing relationships publicly
- Cory Asbury recounts how early marriage conflict taught him to replace “winning” with quick ownership, gentleness, and prioritizing his spouse’s comfort over his convenience.
- Parenting and family life intensified the need for intentional communication, including scheduled conversations that cover both logistics and emotional connection.
- Asbury argues that kids thrive when they see parents model repair—repentance, apology, and changed behavior—especially from the parent with perceived authority.
- He explains how to engage public criticism (like the ‘Reckless Love’ debate) by staying rooted in conviction and identity while resisting the urge to argue online.
- A public misunderstanding with Forrest Frank became a powerful demonstration of apology and reconciliation, leading to widespread audience-driven relational healing and a collaborative song (‘Misunderstood’).
IDEAS WORTH REMEMBERING
5 ideasStop trying to win arguments; try to win the person.
Asbury describes early marriage as a crisis point largely driven by his need to “win.” A mentor reframed conflict as winning a spouse’s heart—owning fault quickly, apologizing first, and prioritizing the relationship over being right.
Meet your spouse’s nervous system, not your default fighting style.
Their childhood models of conflict were opposite (his: yelling; hers: silent avoidance), so he had to learn gentleness instead of demanding she “fight his way.” The shift required humility—meeting her needs without condescension.
Busy families need scheduled connection, not just good intentions.
With five kids, time and emotional bandwidth shrink, so they “calendar” intentional conversations—both practical logistics and heart-checks. Without structured check-ins, marriage can devolve into mere co-management.
Presence is not proximity—name your boundaries when work is invisible.
Working creatively from home created the “you’re home but not present” tension. Their solution is explicit boundaries (e.g., set work hours) and repeated conversations to prevent resentment and clarify expectations.
Model repair to your kids: humility heals what authority can’t.
He emphasizes children learning repair by watching parents repent and apologize in real time. Asbury contrasts this with his own upbringing where yelling was normalized and apologies were absent, creating long-term relational damage.
WORDS WORTH SAVING
5 quotesI realized- you know, through the, through the, uh, tutelage of a, of a wise leader at that point, it's not about winning an argument. It's about winning their heart every time.
— Cory Asbury
What I've seen bear the most fruit, and I, I really do think I believe that, the most fruit in our family is my kids seeing me repent to either my wife or to them for ways that I've missed it.
— Cory Asbury
But coming back and going, "Buddy, I'm so sorry." "That was, that was not right. That was not cool. I don't wanna act like that. That's not a represent- rep- representation of who I wanna be and who God's called me to be, and I'm really sorry."
— Cory Asbury
Humility is always the answer every time. Humility wins your brother or your sister every time.
— Cory Asbury
I think I, I, I always ask myself the question, why do I feel the need to make an excuse? And to me, the answer is almost always to save face.
— Cory Asbury
High quality AI-generated summary created from speaker-labeled transcript.
