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The Joe Rogan ExperienceThe Joe Rogan Experience

Joe Rogan Experience #1447 - Tom Segura

Tom Segura is a stand-up comedian, and hosts his own podcast with his wife, Christina Pazsitzky called Your Mom’s House. His new special “Ball Hog” is now streaming only on Netflix. http://tomsegura.com/ @YMHStudios

Joe RoganhostTom Seguraguest
Mar 25, 20202h 41mWatch on YouTube ↗

EVERY SPOKEN WORD

  1. 0:00 – 0:56

    Duck eggs disappointment and the ‘Ball Hog’ banter begins

    1. JR

      Hey, ball hog.

    2. TS

      Hey, buddy.

    3. JR

      (laughs)

    4. TS

      (laughs)

    5. JR

      What's going on?

    6. TS

      (sighs)

    7. JR

      Dude, you know what I had today?

    8. TS

      Hmm?

    9. JR

      Duck eggs.

    10. TS

      Duck eggs?

    11. JR

      You don't need 'em.

    12. TS

      No?

    13. JR

      You don't need 'em in your life.

    14. TS

      No good?

    15. JR

      There's a reason why they sell chicken eggs-

    16. TS

      And not duck eggs?

    17. JR

      ... they tricked me.

    18. TS

      Where'd you-

    19. JR

      I'm like, "Oh, duck eggs."

    20. TS

      Where did you get duck eggs?

    21. JR

      Erewhon.

    22. TS

      Oh, yeah, I go to Erewhon.

    23. JR

      Yeah. I'm like, "Oh, duck eggs."

    24. TS

      And taste notably shitty?

    25. JR

      Ugh.

    26. TS

      Really?

    27. JR

      Yeah, like gooey. Like, it sticks to the roof of your mouth.

    28. TS

      Is it smaller, too, or is it-

    29. JR

      No, they're bigger. They're big.

    30. TS

      They're bigger?

  2. 0:56 – 3:44

    Dogs, spoiled pet diets, and how hard it is to lose them

    1. JR

      Yeah, it's not... I don't recommend it. I'm feeding the rest of 'em to my dog, I think.

    2. TS

      (laughs) Really?

    3. JR

      He loves 'em.

    4. TS

      Loves eggs?

    5. JR

      He loves eggs, yeah.

    6. TS

      Marshall does.

    7. JR

      Yeah, I crack open an egg and mix it in with his kibble sometimes.

    8. TS

      That's awesome.

    9. JR

      Yeah, most of the time I feed him, um, either he gets a little bit of kibble and some elk meat. I give him ground elk meat, or some-

    10. TS

      Man.

    11. JR

      ... some other kind of meat. He eats-

    12. TS

      Marshall's spoiled. He eats well.

    13. JR

      He eats well.

    14. TS

      That's awesome, dude.

    15. JR

      He's a happy dog.

    16. TS

      Yeah, I think everyone loves Marshall.

    17. JR

      (sighs) Y- have you met him?

    18. TS

      Yeah, I met him.

    19. JR

      You met him here, right?

    20. TS

      Couple times, yeah.

    21. JR

      Yeah. He's the sweetest dog in the world.

    22. TS

      Yeah, adorable.

    23. JR

      Like, I didn't even know that dogs were like that.

    24. TS

      Yeah, no, it's a special dog.

    25. JR

      It's, uh, golden retrievers, man.

    26. TS

      They're smart, too.

    27. JR

      They're real smart.

    28. TS

      I have a fucking box of sand as a dog, but she's-

    29. JR

      (laughs)

    30. TS

      ... adorable. She's sweet, but she's dumber than shit.

  3. 3:44 – 5:28

    Coyotes in LA neighborhoods and the case for taking them out

    1. JR

      Yeah, they see things. Like, uh, when I was having, uh, coyote problems, uh, I took Marshall out, even when he was pretty young. He was, like, uh, six, seven months old. I took him out, and he was just like... And I'm like, "What are you, what are you freaking out about?" And then I turn and look, and I see these eyeballs moving through the trees outside the chicken coop. I'm like, "You little cunts."

    2. TS

      It's fucking, yeah.

    3. JR

      Little coyote cunts.

    4. TS

      Coyotes are such fuckers, man. (exhales)

    5. JR

      They're such fuckers. And they're-

    6. TS

      I lived in, you know, in this neighborhood where w- pull out of your driveway, noon-

    7. JR

      Yeah.

    8. TS

      ... they're standing in the middle of the street, just-

    9. JR

      Oh, yeah.

    10. TS

      ... looking around. You're like, "Jesus."

    11. JR

      Well, where Whitney lives, in Woodland Hills?

    12. TS

      Yeah.

    13. JR

      Yeah. Is that that area? Yeah.

    14. TS

      She lives down the street from me.

    15. JR

      Bro, her area's infested. She's got dogs, like three or four dogs in the yard barking, and these coyotes don't give a fuck.

    16. TS

      Did you see that video where they, the pack came into her house, or into her yard?

    17. JR

      Yeah.

    18. TS

      There's, like, six of them.

    19. JR

      Yeah.

    20. TS

      Yeah, that neigh- that neighborhood...

    21. JR

      They're sketchy.

    22. TS

      Man.

    23. JR

      I told her to get a subsonic .22 and just start taking 'em out.

    24. TS

      (sighs)

    25. JR

      Pop!

    26. TS

      She won't, she wouldn't even-

    27. JR

      It's like this, pop, pop.

    28. TS

      ... put 'em down?

    29. JR

      Pop, pop. Put a little bait out there.

    30. TS

      Mm-hmm.

  4. 5:28 – 6:26

    Owls, hawks, and why ‘wise forest animals’ are actually monsters

    1. JR

      Have you ever seen that video, there's a nest video of these hawks that are in a tree, and this owl comes out and snatches one of the hawks and flies away?

    2. TS

      And you just from a distance are like, "What is that?" Right? When you, you're talking about the one where-

    3. JR

      The eyeballs?

    4. TS

      Yeah, and then-

    5. JR

      And then all of a sudden, it's like, "Bah!"

    6. TS

      ... and you're like, "What are you..." And it goes bam, and it's just gone.

    7. JR

      Yeah.

    8. TS

      Yeah. Yeah.

    9. JR

      They're fucking monsters.

    10. TS

      Freaky.

    11. JR

      Yeah.

    12. TS

      Freaky animals, man. Yeah.

    13. JR

      And we, we think of them as being these wise, like, uh, like, it's professors of the woods for some strange reason.

    14. TS

      Dude, have you ever heard Matt Braunger's owl bit?

    15. JR

      No.

    16. TS

      It is one of the funniest things.

    17. JR

      Is it really?

    18. TS

      Yeah, this is, like, the bit that he first, like, his early on, you know, getting his, his, uh-... first big joke that broke. And, um, you know, it was on Letterman and he was on Comedy Central with it. It is hilarious.

    19. JR

      I gotta see it.

    20. TS

      Yeah.

    21. JR

      I gotta see it. There's a ... H- owls are one of those weird animals that we have this very strange relationship with, where we don't know what they really are.

    22. TS

      Yeah.

    23. JR

      We have this distorted ... Bears are another one.

    24. TS

      Mm-hmm.

  5. 6:26 – 9:56

    Grizzlies, face injuries, and the thin line between survival and horror

    1. JR

      We have this distorted perception with their ... Did you see that video that was going around about that guy who got his face literally eaten off by a grizzly? And then, he shot the grizzly when it was on top of him?

    2. TS

      No.

    3. NA

      No.

    4. JR

      Oh, dude. Have you seen it, Jamie?

    5. NA

      Yeah, 'cause he's talking. He's like going around-

    6. JR

      Yeah.

    7. NA

      ... giving interviews. Yeah.

    8. JR

      He's talking while his face is gone. And he's talking about, like you can see one eye through this mass.

    9. TS

      I mean, if Jamie shakes his head like that (laughs) .

    10. JR

      Here, I'm gonna show it to you real quick.

    11. NA

      (laughs)

    12. TS

      Oh, goddamn it.

    13. NA

      Yeah, I can't s- ... Oh, I can't show it on here.

    14. TS

      Wait. Yeah. We can't really show it online.

    15. JR

      There's video of the-

    16. NA

      Yeah.

    17. JR

      Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Of his face. Of his face hanging off.

    18. TS

      Of the attack too?

    19. NA

      No, no.

    20. JR

      No. It's right after the attack. The guy that was with him started filming it and it's just one of those things where ... Okay. So this is the bear and this is the guy and that's his face.

    21. NA

      Yep.

    22. JR

      And this is him talking.

    23. TS

      Where are you, where are you seeing this?

    24. NA

      I shot a lion down in a ditch in front of that fricking hill so fast.

    25. TS

      Nah, I'm good. I'm doing good.

    26. JR

      (laughs)

    27. NA

      I shot a lion down in a ditch in front of that fricking hill so fast.

    28. TS

      Is that on Instagram?

    29. JR

      Yes.

    30. NA

      I shot a lion down in a ditch in front of that fricking hill so fast.

  6. 9:56 – 17:45

    When size beats skill: fighters, NFL monsters, and Conor vs. ‘The Mountain’

    1. TS

      I just thought about sometimes like, you know, 'cause you, you know a lot of obviously like trained fighters. And that, that, that equation always plays in your head. What if ... Uh, like trained fighters ... People don't realize sometimes how well, like how much that training puts that person at an incredible advantage in a fight.

    2. JR

      Yes.

    3. TS

      Right?

    4. JR

      Sure.

    5. TS

      Like, like your average guy-

    6. JR

      Right.

    7. TS

      ... trying to get that smoke with a trained fighter-

    8. JR

      Trying to get that smoke.

    9. TS

      ... is a, is a problem, right?

    10. JR

      Yeah.

    11. TS

      But at a certain point, what's the equation where all the training doesn't matter? Do you know what I mean? Like-

    12. JR

      For size?

    13. TS

      Yeah, size and strength. Like how big of a giant and how mu- how powerful does he have to be where all your training wouldn't matter in a-

    14. JR

      Depends on what kinda training you do. Like with jujitsu, it's a pretty big advantage.

    15. TS

      Right.

    16. JR

      With jujitsu you could ... I've, I've tapped guys that are 100 pounds heavier than me.

    17. TS

      Right.

    18. JR

      Which is crazy.

    19. TS

      That is crazy, yeah.

    20. JR

      But I would never strike with a guy that's 100 pounds heavier than me.

    21. TS

      'Cause that would just ... Yeah.

    22. JR

      You'd get killed.

    23. TS

      Yeah.

    24. JR

      'Cause even through your gloves, you keep your gloves up and some 300 pound guy-

    25. TS

      Just like ...

    26. JR

      ... he clubs you with the right hand.

    27. TS

      Yeah.

    28. JR

      It just like ... Your whole brain gets rattled.

    29. TS

      Right.

    30. JR

      You can tap a 300 pound guy, though, as long as he doesn't throw you on the ground.

  7. 17:45 – 19:52

    Lockdown-era UFC logistics: battleships, sheikhs, and testing fighters

    1. TS

      What's the news with Conor, by the way? Is he throwing out that he wants to fight someone? I thought-

    2. JR

      Oh, he wants to fight Khabib.

    3. TS

      Khabib.

    4. JR

      But, uh, he's... They're, they're trying to set up... Well, look, we are... We'll s- if this... In the future, this is March 24th on Tuesday, and everyone's on fucking full lockdown here. Um, they're talking about doing a UFC, they don't know where it's gonna be for, uh, Khabib versus Tony Ferguson. They're talking about doing that somewhere, somewhere in another country.... you know, I told Dan, he should do it on a battleship. Just do it on a battleship in international waters, fly everybody in on the helicopters. (laughs)

    5. TS

      Hilarious. Fucking cool idea. And there's no organization like the UFC that could pull that off, you know what I mean?

    6. JR

      Yeah.

    7. TS

      You can't do that with, like, any other sport.

    8. JR

      No. 'Cause you don't need many, very many people, you just need the fighters.

    9. TS

      Yeah.

    10. JR

      I mean, th- I don't even know if they're gonna have an undercard, I don't know.

    11. TS

      And the, and the more, like, the crazier-

    12. JR

      Yeah.

    13. TS

      ... the setting for a fight, the more ex- like-

    14. JR

      Right.

    15. TS

      ... it could be like, "And there'll be lions roaming and there'll be..." Yeah, it's like-

    16. JR

      I would imagine one of those sheikhs that has, you know, a trillion dollars, they'll say, "Do it in my palace."

    17. TS

      100%.

    18. JR

      They do it at the palace. You set up-

    19. TS

      Uh...

    20. JR

      ... an octagon in a giant ballroom.

    21. TS

      Dude, if you guys-

    22. JR

      Yeah.

    23. TS

      ... called sheikhs and, uh, and, like, "Do you wanna..." Like, they would start fighting each other.

    24. JR

      This is no problem.

    25. TS

      Yeah.

    26. JR

      This is no problem at all.

    27. TS

      This is... Come on.

    28. JR

      Yeah. They'll, they'll fucking sanitize the shit out a couple jets, fly everybody in, sanitize the runway, just crates of Lysol.

    29. TS

      Absolutely.

    30. JR

      Just crop dust your planes, spraying Lysol over everything. (laughs)

  8. 19:52 – 27:31

    COVID misinformation, ‘Kung Flu’ press drama, and racism spillover

    1. TS

      Did you see that couple, what they did?

    2. JR

      (laughs)

    3. TS

      Do you see that today?

    4. JR

      What?

    5. TS

      That, uh... So Trump was talking about-

    6. JR

      Oh.

    7. TS

      ... potential medicines.

    8. JR

      Yes, yes.

    9. TS

      And then one of them... I f- I don't wanna say the name wrong, so whatever it... I forget wha- what it is.

    10. JR

      I'll tell you exactly what it is.

    11. TS

      What is it?

    12. JR

      It's, it's medication they use on a koi pond-

    13. TS

      Well-

    14. JR

      ... to, to kill bacteria.

    15. TS

      That's the one that they took.

    16. JR

      Yes.

    17. TS

      But it's the same name.

    18. JR

      Chlor... I think it's called chloroquine.

    19. TS

      The same name of it, but the-

    20. JR

      Yes.

    21. TS

      ... the one for the koi pond has an... Like a hyphen and another name.

    22. JR

      Uh-huh. Yeah.

    23. TS

      The same name without the hyphen is actually a medication, so-

    24. JR

      It's a medication for malaria, for malaria.

    25. TS

      For malaria, correct.

    26. JR

      That apparently holds promise. And-

    27. TS

      But they took koi pond...

    28. JR

      (laughs) Yeah.

    29. TS

      They... Fish tank medicine.

    30. JR

      They, they took poison.

  9. 27:31 – 36:18

    Comedian Michael Yeo hospitalized, asymptomatic spread, and Olympic/IOC corruption

    1. JR

      Yeah. So I talked to Michael Yeoh. Um, actually-

    2. TS

      Dammit.

    3. JR

      ... I haven't even talked to him because he's, he's not talking, 'cause he can't talk. He's just texting. He's still fucked up. Five days ago, thought he was dying. Um-

    4. TS

      Was he in the hospital?

    5. JR

      No, I mean, he's been in the hospital for over a week, but five days ago, he thought he was dying. He got ... This is what happened. He went to New York. He did my podcast. Right after he did my podcast, that weekend, he had shows at Gotham. So he flew to New York City, did his shows in New York City, was feeling kinda sick, um, and then got it. Got pneumonia and the coronavirus at the same time.

    6. TS

      In New York or in LA?

    7. JR

      When he got home. So he was-

    8. TS

      Fuck.

    9. JR

      ... feeling kinda shitty, and then it hit him. So he probably had a weakened immune system, right? Then ... He's not a boozer, so I don't think he was boozing.

    10. TS

      But, you know, he doesn't have any, like, that you know of-

    11. JR

      No.

    12. TS

      ... underlying health issues right now.

    13. JR

      No, nothing.

    14. TS

      'Cause he seems like a healthy guy.

    15. JR

      Yeah. Shape, in shape.

    16. TS

      Yeah.

    17. JR

      Works out a lot. He said he was killing workouts. He said nothing was wrong with him. He said he just started feeling like he had a cold, and then flew home, and then boom.

    18. TS

      That is so sad.

    19. JR

      Double whammy.

    20. TS

      But he's recovering.

    21. JR

      He's recovering, yeah.

    22. TS

      Yeah.

    23. JR

      He's not out of the ... I mean, he's not gonna die, but he's not out of the woods yet. And some of these people that have gotten through this disease have some sort of permanent lung impairment. You know, one of the ... One that scared me, I was reading about this guy. See if you can find this guy, 2012 gold medalist in swimming, 31-year-old guy got it. And he said he's the absolute worst virus he's ever experienced in his life. He said it was devastating. So it's like some people have it, like Idris Elba, and there's nothing.

    24. TS

      Yeah.

    25. JR

      Asymptomatic.

    26. TS

      Yeah.

    27. JR

      Seemed to be fine.

    28. TS

      Well, they are, they are ... I mean, from my ... I just spoke to, uh, an, uh, infectious disease doctor on the way over here, and, and they're saying that, um, you know, the, that one of the big things about the asymptomatic people is, like, they're essentially what can keep this thing going for a while.

    29. JR

      So weird.

    30. TS

      Because you're shedding for 15 days. And if you're, if you're not holed up, if you're walking around-

  10. 36:18 – 53:47

    Standup stops overnight: touring cancellations and the economic domino effect

    1. TS

      Isn't that crazy we were in an arena like a week before sh- hit the fan?

    2. JR

      I know. We were hanging out in Vegas. But it was a little sketchy then, remember? We were like-

    3. TS

      It was a little sketchy.

    4. JR

      We were like, "Everything gonna be okay?"

    5. TS

      Yeah. Yeah.

    6. JR

      We were a little weirded out.

    7. TS

      But then we went to like ... Remember wh-

    8. JR

      Went to dinner.

    9. TS

      Went to dinner, went to my show.

    10. JR

      Yeah. We hung out.

    11. TS

      And then ...

    12. JR

      Had a show.

    13. TS

      And then, uh-

    14. JR

      That was probably the last big show we'll see in a long-ass time.

    15. TS

      I keep thinking about how ... I was talking about it today. I did all those morning phoners today, uh, for, for the special.

    16. JR

      Ball Hog.

    17. TS

      Ball Hog is out on Netflix.

    18. JR

      Right now.

    19. TS

      My favorite, by the way, is, uh, they had you call, call into so many radio stations and this guy's like ...... he goes, uh, "Oh, I'm a big-"

    20. JR

      (clears throat)

    21. TS

      "... Instant Family fan. When are you gonna do another one?" And I go, "Uh, what do you mean?" He's like, "I like that show." I go, "It's a movie. I was... It's a movie called Instant Family." He goes, "Oh, yeah. When's the next one?" I was like, "The sequel to an adoption film? What?"

    22. JR

      (sighs)

    23. TS

      Like, you can just tell they're just, you know-

    24. JR

      Idiots.

    25. TS

      ... reading shit off to you, but I was talking to somebody on the, on, in the press thing today, and I go, "Most of us comics, uh, since we've been active working comedians, at, at um, at most two weeks we've gone without doing standup?" And then that return... You know when you first get on stage after, like, a vacation, you're like, "I just feel fucking weird."

    26. JR

      Yeah.

    27. TS

      You know, you have, you have, like, weird butterflies. Your rhythm's off. Your pacing's a little off. You forget a word or something because you're just not fresh. We might be two, three months. It's never been-

    28. JR

      Easy.

    29. TS

      ... easy, yeah-

    30. JR

      Easy.

  11. 53:47 – 59:31

    The ‘big-dick link’ meme becomes charity: merch, rights, and internet whiplash

    1. TS

      I got a fucking breaking story for you. I forgot.

    2. JR

      Ooh, what?

    3. TS

      I, uh, I, um, I cannot believe I almost forgot this.

    4. JR

      Ooh.

    5. TS

      So, you know the guy in those texts that, the big Black guy-

    6. JR

      Yes.

    7. TS

      ... who's sitting with his cock out?

    8. JR

      Yeah. The, well, let's explain that. It's a trick.

    9. TS

      Yeah.

    10. JR

      People always say the link, "Oh my God, it's, uh, it's now killing more 20-year-olds than any disease ever." You're like, "What?"

    11. TS

      What?

    12. JR

      You click the link and there's this jacked Black dude with a dick that looks like my leg. (laughs)

    13. TS

      Sitting on the edge of the bed-

    14. JR

      Yes.

    15. TS

      ... looking like he's like, "Have you seen a bigger dick?"

    16. JR

      Right.

    17. TS

      Like, that's what his expression is, like-

    18. JR

      And it's limp.

    19. TS

      It's limp.

    20. JR

      Yeah. There he is.

    21. TS

      There he is.

    22. JR

      That guy.

    23. TS

      Yeah.

    24. JR

      (laughs)

    25. TS

      So... (sighs) (laughs)

    26. JR

      Breaking news?

    27. TS

      Yeah, this is breaking news.

    28. JR

      With him?

    29. TS

      This is-

    30. JR

      He's dead, right?

  12. 59:31 – 1:04:57

    Porn economics, OnlyFans, Tiger King, and the culture of chaos content

    1. JR

      Well, here's the, the crazy thing. The sheer number of porns. Like, how many porno videos are there?

    2. TS

      Dude. It's like... And how much are they... How much are you cranking out every day? You go to any of those sites, it's just like every day they're like, "Here's 10,000 more." 10,000-

    3. JR

      I used to have a bit about who's... Why are they making new porn? 'Cause no one's seen all of them.

    4. TS

      Yeah.

    5. JR

      It's not like movies-

    6. NA

      (laughs)

    7. JR

      ... where you have to follow the plot.

    8. TS

      Right.

    9. JR

      It's like, who's jerked off to every porn ever?

    10. TS

      I mean-

    11. JR

      No one.

    12. TS

      It has to be some people's world, though, where they're just, like, so...

    13. JR

      Yeah. Well, some guys get obsessed with a girl.

    14. TS

      Yeah.

    15. JR

      You know, and then they want... "When, when are you coming out with new content?"

    16. TS

      Yeah.

    17. JR

      You know?

    18. TS

      And they go to those, uh-

    19. JR

      OnlyFans.

    20. TS

      ... the meetups, you know? The, the-

    21. JR

      Oh, yes.

    22. NA

      Yes.

    23. TS

      You see the billboards in LA.

    24. JR

      Yeah.

    25. TS

      Adultcom.

    26. JR

      Expos.

    27. TS

      Yeah, yeah, yeah.

    28. JR

      Yeah, yeah. Whoa.

    29. TS

      And they, they always show-

    30. JR

      Whoa.

  13. 1:04:57 – 1:11:52

    Conspiracy culture: flat-Earth ‘Rocket Man,’ Tom Hanks accusations, and online mobs

    1. JR

      People love doing that. I mean, that's what flat Earthers do.

    2. TS

      Sure.

    3. JR

      I mean, if you ever gone-

    4. TS

      Did you watch that doc?

    5. JR

      On Rocket Man? The, did you watch him die?

    6. TS

      I watched the, uh ...

    7. JR

      Did you see Rocket Man die?

    8. TS

      No. Wait.

    9. JR

      You wanna see that?

    10. TS

      Okay.

    11. JR

      Yeah, he, uh, shot that rocket up in the air to try to prove that the Earth was flat.

    12. TS

      Uh-huh.

    13. JR

      And, uh, they didn't fasten the parachute correctly to the, uh, capsule, and so the parachute goes off with the initial launch.

    14. TS

      Oh, fuck.

    15. JR

      Yeah. The parachute's gone, like, right away, and then it falls down. Here it goes. Watch this.

    16. TS

      Wait, so tell-

    17. JR

      But it-

    18. TS

      ... set up what's happening here.

    19. JR

      So, this guy, he decided he was gonna prove that the Earth was flat, so he built a rocket (clicks tongue) and launched himself up into the air. He had done it once before, but this time, he launched himself really high to try to film the Earth. So watch. Boom. Look.

    20. TS

      Oh, there's the parachute.

    21. JR

      Parachute's gone.

    22. TS

      Oh.

    23. JR

      He shoots straight up in the air, and then, like, "Oh, my God. What is this breaking news? Look at these fucking idiots." So watch, it- it comes down, right here. There it is.

    24. TS

      Oh, so that's- he's just on that.

    25. JR

      Watch this. Full speed on the way down.

    26. TS

      And he's waiting-

    27. JR

      Yeah.

    28. TS

      ... for the parachute-

    29. JR

      Yep.

    30. TS

      ... to go off.

Episode duration: 2:41:11

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