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Lewis HowesDivorce Attorney REVEALS Why 70% of Relationships DON'T LAST | Faith Jenkins
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Chapter summaries
What Divorce Taught Faith About Character and Breakups
Lewis asks what witnessing so many divorces has taught Faith. She shares that she married at 42 and that her parents divorced when she was 13. She says the true measure of a person is how they treat others when things go badly, illustrated with her orange analogy.
- •Faith married at 42, two years before the conversation, and says everything comes in the right time
- •Her parents' divorce when she was 13 shaped her view, along with family court and TV experience
- •True character shows in how someone treats you when things aren't going well
- •The orange analogy: what comes out under pressure is what's inside you
- •Sometimes you walk away from people you love to protect your peace, without destroying them
Emotional Maturity and Radical Acceptance After Breakups
Lewis asks why some people try to hurt their exes while others end things lovingly. Faith credits emotional maturity and recalls her own immature behavior in her early 20s. She explains how realizing that pain is inevitable but suffering is optional led her to practice radical acceptance.
- •Loving endings come down to emotional maturity
- •Faith describes investigating her boyfriend's apartment in her early 20s
- •Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional
- •Separate your feelings from the facts
- •Radical acceptance means you don't need to know the why
Knowing Yourself, Red Flags, and Preparing While Single
Lewis asks when Faith began seeing red flags clearly. She says it came from knowing herself better. They discuss waiting longer to marry, and Faith says age is not the yardstick, but becoming a healthy person and preparing for a relationship while single.
- •Knowing what you want and won't compromise on makes red flags visible
- •Your 20s are a good time to learn who you are
- •Lewis cites a TED Talk saying waiting longer lowers divorce rates; Faith says age isn't the key measure
- •We don't attract healthy relationships, we create them by being healthy
- •Prepare in areas like communication, conflict, and boundaries
Overcoming Cynicism and Choosing Love as a Decision
Faith names fear of failure as her biggest challenge and says cynicism blocks love. She explains how she reframed her past so she wouldn't make a new partner pay for old hurts. She describes love as a conscious decision rather than a feeling.
- •Fear of failure and cynicism after heartbreak were her biggest challenges
- •You cannot be a cynic about love and expect to attract it
- •She let the past stay in the past rather than making someone pay for it
- •Success in marriage is being committed to the same commitment
- •Love is a decision, not an involuntary feeling
Marriage, Living Together, and the Pandemic
Lewis asks about fears and changes with marriage. Faith describes her fear of the unknown and not living with her husband before the wedding. They discuss marrying a week before the pandemic and what the early months revealed about her husband's character.
- •Faith feared the unknown and how marriage would change her
- •She and her husband chose not to live together before marriage
- •They married March 8, 2020, a week before the world shut down
- •The pandemic gave them time together, aided by noise cancellation headphones
- •She never heard her husband complain and saw him encourage others
Pressure to Marry and Not Treating Singlehood as a Rest Stop
Faith recalls the pressure of being asked why she was still single. She says people's questions reflect their own views, not her worth. She describes embracing her single years fully instead of waiting to live.
- •Constant questions can make you internalize that something is wrong with you
- •Everyone has their own life path and it's not a race
- •Being single was not a rest stop; she traveled solo and kept a vibrant social life
- •People project their idea of life onto you
- •Reframe your mindset and embrace your own path
Subtle Red Flags and Compatibility
Lewis asks about subtle red flags. Faith uses a vegan-with-wings example and a crude social media joke to show small things reveal bigger incompatibility. She says compatibility means committing to grow together, then shares a divorce court case of a husband who tore down his wife.
- •Small lies suggest someone can't be their true self with you
- •Faith checks digital footprints, as with the actor's crude joke
- •You need connection, chemistry, and compatibility
- •Compatibility means committing to growth together as people change
- •A divorce court husband criticized his wife's weight despite claiming to be a Christian
Main Causes of Divorce and Love Languages
Faith says repeated disrespect becomes normalized and that people should protect their peace. She names lack of shared commitment as the main cause of divorce and likens marriage to yard maintenance. Lewis shares his experience with The Five Love Languages and they discuss service in marriage.
- •Repeated dishonor can become familiar and make people feel unworthy of honor
- •Main cause of divorce: people not committed to the same commitment
- •Find out how your partner wants to be loved, and it may change
- •Relationships need maintenance through seasons, like a yard
- •Lewis shares his love language test with his girlfriend; Faith calls it part of service in marriage
Pre-Engagement Counseling and Due Diligence
Faith explains why she and her husband did counseling before engagement as well as before marriage. They discuss people who knew on their wedding day it was wrong, and that weddings don't change habits or people. Faith says you date someone's reality and marry their potential.
- •Counseling before engagement was meant to minimize unknowns
- •Some people knew on their wedding day it wasn't right but went through with it
- •Doing due diligence lets you proceed with more confidence
- •Weddings change a last name, not bad habits
- •You can't change someone through pressure or nagging
Three Key Conversations Before Engagement
Lewis asks for the three most uncomfortable pre-engagement conversations. Faith names healing from the past, real expectations, and life goals. She explains why healing, communicated expectations, and a shared life path matter.
- •How have you healed from your past, since healing is a journey and not a one-time event
- •You can't make someone happy, and shouldn't expect a partner to be your source of happiness
- •Unspoken expectations breed resentment
- •Discuss day-to-day life, household duties, children, and time together
- •Discuss life goals and where each person sees themselves in 10 years
Staying Hopeful, Rejection, and Letting Go Before Meeting Her Husband
Lewis asks whether watching divorces made Faith fearful. She says fear poisoned her perspective and she chose to believe in the love she wanted. She tells the story of a college rejection that taught her not to take it personally, and how she accepted a breakup six months before meeting her husband.
- •Protecting herself by not putting herself out there was poisoning her perspective
- •Everything is an opportunity to learn and grow
- •A college crush declined her invitation because he had no suit, not because of her
- •She wrote down that she'd meet her husband within a year and met him six months later
- •She accepted the breakup, prayed, and didn't fight the current
Why People Settle, Patterns, and High-Value Partners
Faith discusses why people settle and urges seeing marriage as a weighty decision, with the idea of 10,000 meals. She says couples wish they'd moved slower and advises judging people by patterns and actions, not words. She names how someone treats people who can't help them as a sign of a high-value partner.
- •People settle from loneliness, fear, or low self-worth
- •You cannot just pick a spouse like a pair of shoes; consider the 10,000 meals
- •Couples in front of Faith wish they had taken more time, never moved faster
- •Look at patterns, like the FBI does, because people lie but patterns don't
- •A high-value partner treats vulnerable people well and commits to growth
Is Marriage Hard Work? Teamwork and Handling Conflict
Lewis pushes back on the idea that marriage is hard work, and Faith says the work is loving the evolving version of your partner and the day-to-day effort. She describes the adjustment of teamwork and aims for solutions over winning. Lewis adds Jay Shetty's idea of both partners against the problem.
- •Faith says the real work is accepting that your partner will change over time
- •Day-to-day small acts and appreciation keep a relationship running
- •Marriage means embracing a different person with different perspectives
- •Adopt a teamwork mindset and don't be the weak link
- •In disagreements the goal is a solution, not winning, with both against the problem
Why Faith Wrote the Book and the Closing Questions
Lewis wraps up with Faith's book, Sis, Don't Settle, and Faith explains she wrote it because she lacked a model of healthy love. Lewis acknowledges her for not settling. Faith then gives her three truths and defines greatness as inner peace.
- •Faith lacked a model of healthy love and learned the hard way, so she wrote the book to help others
- •Lewis commends her for not settling and waiting for what she wanted
- •Three truths: choose joy now, embrace closed doors, keep walking into rooms that are too big
- •Her definition of greatness is inner peace no matter what's around you
- •Where to find her book and social media
