Gabrielle Bernstein on How to Turn Fear into Faith with Lewis Howes

Lewis Howes 0:00 [upbeat music]

Lewis Howes 0:04 Welcome everyone back to the School of Greatness Podcast. Very excited about our guest, Gabby Bernstein, and she's got a new book out. Make sure to check this book out. It's called The Universe Has Your Back. I'm so glad that you're here. Thank you so much for coming to the studio.

Gabrielle Bernstein 0:17 Yes.

Lewis Howes 0:17 The Greatness studio. We will, we'll put you on the wall here soon.

Gabrielle Bernstein 0:19 I wanna be on that wall.

Lewis Howes 0:21 And, uh, yeah, we have a lot of people whose stuff we put on that.

Gabrielle Bernstein 0:23 You're like in a private jet with Tony Robbins-

Lewis Howes 0:25 I know

Gabrielle Bernstein 0:25 ... and like, come on, man.

Lewis Howes 0:26 It's, it's been a lot of fun.

Gabrielle Bernstein 0:27 You're like-

Lewis Howes 0:27 It's been a lot of fun. This podcast has been fun-

Gabrielle Bernstein 0:29 Yeah

Lewis Howes 0:29 ... I get to interview incredible people like yourself.

Gabrielle Bernstein 0:32 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 0:32 This book just came out, The Universe Has Your Back: Transform Fear into Faith, Fear to Faith. You've already written a couple of New York Time bestsellers before. Why did you wanna write another book about fear?

Gabrielle Bernstein 0:46 Mm-hmm. So it's interesting. I used to think that I wrote my books for my readers. I used to think like, "Okay, whatever they need," or what, you know, I would get a pulse of what's going on with the reader-

Lewis Howes 0:56 Mm-hmm

Gabrielle Bernstein 0:56 ... and their, in their life or at the time, and this time I, I believe I wrote this book for myself. I wrote it during the worst year of my life, which I shared with you earlier.

Lewis Howes 1:07 Yeah.

Gabrielle Bernstein 1:07 And during that year, I didn't realize I was just really hitting a major bottom, like a bigger bottom than, I mean, I got sober 11 years ago. Actually, three days ago I celebrated my 11 years of sobriety.

Lewis Howes 1:17 Congratulations.

Gabrielle Bernstein 1:18 Thank you. And, uh, I think this year my bottom was bigger than that bottom.

Lewis Howes 1:21 How so? What was going, I mean, when someone hears that, you're at the top of your game.

Gabrielle Bernstein 1:26 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:26 You're on The Today Show, you're on Dr. Oz, you're on Oprah every other week it seems like. You've got New York Time bestsellers. You're making multiple seven figures in your business. You're healthy. You're speaking in front of thousands of people every single week. How did you hit rock bottom more than, you know, being, uh, being an addict?

Gabrielle Bernstein 1:46 Yeah. Yeah. Um, there was hidden parts of my shadow that needed to come forward, and memories I didn't know, and I spent a year cracking into that place of, of remembering what I needed-

Lewis Howes 1:58 Mm

Gabrielle Bernstein 1:58 ... to truly unearth so that I could be free, truly. [laughs]

Lewis Howes 2:01 Yeah.

Gabrielle Bernstein 2:01 But I wrote this book while I was going through that bottom. So in the midst of having that experience of just breaking down, picking myself up, breaking down, picking myself up, I had to write, and you know what it's like to have a deadline and have a-

Lewis Howes 2:15 Mm, mm

Gabrielle Bernstein 2:16 ... have a deal and have people-

Lewis Howes 2:17 Yeah

Gabrielle Bernstein 2:17 ... expecting you to submit a book at a certain time.

Lewis Howes 2:19 Mm-hmm.

Gabrielle Bernstein 2:20 And I had a word count and a deadline and a publishing deal, and I, and I, and I had to stick to it.

Lewis Howes 2:24 Mm-hmm.

Gabrielle Bernstein 2:24 And I like to be early, so. [laughs]

Lewis Howes 2:26 [laughs] Of course.

Gabrielle Bernstein 2:26 So I just kept writing and writing and writing, and, uh, it came to the point where the process of writing the book actually healed me throughout, throughout the year. And then, and then even submitting the book and having to go through the editing process healed me again because it's, it's just the co- being, being, I don't like to use the word forced, but being called and committed to writing a book on, on love and, and-

Lewis Howes 2:52 Mm-hmm

Gabrielle Bernstein 2:53 ... and the universe in connection to a higher power, there's no other choice but to be in the daily remembrance of what is real to you.

Lewis Howes 3:00 Yeah.

Gabrielle Bernstein 3:01 And so that, that was my experience of writing this book-

Lewis Howes 3:03 Mm

Gabrielle Bernstein 3:03 ... that, that while I was going through the toughest time, it also was the remedy.

Lewis Howes 3:07 Yeah. So what was it you were holding onto or rejecting or-

Gabrielle Bernstein 3:11 Well, um-

Lewis Howes 3:11 ... afraid of?

Gabrielle Bernstein 3:12 So, so I had been ultimately going through what I now know was the process of, of cracking into a traumatic memory, and ultimately, that memory was the reason I was a drug addict in the first place 11 years ago.

Lewis Howes 3:27 Mm-hmm.

Gabrielle Bernstein 3:27 And, uh, it had been something that I had been, that I'd shut away for 30 years. And in the, in 2015, while writing this book, a lot of the things that were sort of the ways that I controlled my, my life and, and kept things in order so that I wouldn't have to remember that trauma, uh, started to be taken from me, right? So my husband leaving his job to come work with me, you know, created this sort of feeling of, "Oh, my God, I gotta let go of the rope," or wanting to have a baby, like, let, go- wow, I really gotta let go of control there.

Lewis Howes 3:54 Mm-hmm.

Gabrielle Bernstein 3:54 And so these sort of monumental shifts in my life created this, this breaking point for me. Uh, and so month after month, I was, I was cracking open to something I didn't know, and it was horrifying. And actually, the month after submit- the month that I submitted this book was when the memory came in.

Lewis Howes 4:13 Wow.

Gabrielle Bernstein 4:13 So in the editing process of the book, I used the book through this very raw, scary, horrific time. The book healed me again.

Lewis Howes 4:25 Hmm. And what was, uh, what came up for you then? What was the... Are you allowed to share?

Gabrielle Bernstein 4:29 So the, so the memory, of course, I mean, the memory was the memory of, of childhood sexual abuse.

Lewis Howes 4:33 Mm-hmm.

Gabrielle Bernstein 4:34 And I, uh, didn't have any recollection of it at all. Many psychics and mediums had said, "What happened to you when you were six years old, Gabby?" You know, I had been asked that many, many times in my life. There's trauma, there's fear from six years old.

Lewis Howes 4:47 Mm-hmm.

Gabrielle Bernstein 4:47 And I would be like, "Nothing. Absolutely nothing. What the hell are you talking about?" [laughs] And 'cause I had no idea. And, and if anyone out there is listening that has had re- the remembrance of trauma, it's fucking horrifying.

Lewis Howes 4:59 Mm-hmm.

Gabrielle Bernstein 5:00 Because you go back into the memory, you go back into the time, and, and your whole body constricts. And, um, so, and I had a few, you know, a few... Thankfully, I was, I was, um, in therapy when I remembered. And also thankfully, I have this world that we live and work in, which is filled with the greatest trauma therapists and EFT practitioners-

Lewis Howes 5:23 Right. Right, right, yeah, yeah

Gabrielle Bernstein 5:23 ... and EMDR people and, and somatic experience experts, and all the people that can serve me. But what has come forth really is that down the road, there's definitely a book in trauma for me and trauma recovery-

Lewis Howes 5:32 Mm. Yeah

Gabrielle Bernstein 5:33 ... because there's people, there's, there's, you know, well, they say one in three. I think it's far more. And I think it's way more.

Lewis Howes 5:39 Yeah, it's one in six boys. One in six men have been sexually abused.

Gabrielle Bernstein 5:40 One in six men and one in three women. Yeah.

Lewis Howes 5:42 Yeah.

Gabrielle Bernstein 5:43 Yeah. And, but I think it's more.

Lewis Howes 5:45 I'm sure.

Gabrielle Bernstein 5:45 I think it's more.

Lewis Howes 5:45 That are, like, that's, that we know of.

Gabrielle Bernstein 5:48 The rest don't remember-

Lewis Howes 5:48 Yeah. Yeah, exactly

Gabrielle Bernstein 5:49 ... or are they, you know, have been hiding from it or-

Lewis Howes 5:50 Or they didn't come forward. Yeah, yeah

Gabrielle Bernstein 5:51 ... u- using drugs over it, or whatever it is, because you s- or they don't come forward. Yeah.

Lewis Howes 5:54 Mm-hmm.

Gabrielle Bernstein 5:55 And so, uh, I'm, I'm so grateful to have remembered, which is-

Lewis Howes 6:00 Mm

Gabrielle Bernstein 6:00 ... what we were talking about earlier-

Lewis Howes 6:02 Sure

Gabrielle Bernstein 6:02 ... is 'cause now I can be free, and I can let go of the rope, and I can-

Lewis Howes 6:06 Yeah

Gabrielle Bernstein 6:06 ... take the first breath. [laughs]

Lewis Howes 6:07 You know, it's interesting because I- Well, thanks for sharing because I know what it's like, and I've been through my process over the last few years of, of sharing and opening up, and it wasn't easy when I first started, and especially as a man, as we were talking about. There's not many men who open up about that publicly-

Gabrielle Bernstein 6:21 Yeah, I'm proud of you for that

Lewis Howes 6:21 ... let alone to their family. For 25 years, I kept it inside-

Gabrielle Bernstein 6:25 Yeah

Lewis Howes 6:25 ... and just when I f- whenever I felt attacked by anything in the world, I was just became aggressive-

Gabrielle Bernstein 6:30 Yeah

Lewis Howes 6:30 ... to, to prove myself, to protect myself, to not let anyone take advantage of me again. I just had this natural reaction 'cause I wasn't willing to deal with it-

Gabrielle Bernstein 6:39 I understand

Lewis Howes 6:39 ... you know what I mean? And, and it's funny. I think we're, in a lot of ways we're similar because we're both very driven to achieve-

Gabrielle Bernstein 6:47 Mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 6:47 ... and to create-

Gabrielle Bernstein 6:48 Mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 6:48 ... and to put our message into the world. And, you know, I'm assuming that that's something had to do with, like, our trauma-

Gabrielle Bernstein 6:55 Mm, absolutely

Lewis Howes 6:56 ... that makes us so driven and wants-

Gabrielle Bernstein 6:58 Yeah

Lewis Howes 6:58 ... to be seen or whatever, you know?

Gabrielle Bernstein 6:59 Yes.

Lewis Howes 7:00 And before, in my early 20s, it used to be more of like, um, an egotistical thing.

Gabrielle Bernstein 7:05 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 7:06 And now it's more of a way of inspiration. I wanna serve. I wanna be in service constantly, and-

Gabrielle Bernstein 7:10 Yeah

Lewis Howes 7:10 ... I could care less about the recognition or the things I get.

Gabrielle Bernstein 7:13 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 7:13 Although they're nice, it's not my driving force.

Gabrielle Bernstein 7:16 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 7:16 And, uh, this is the first time that I've been around you. I've probably known you for what? Four or five years, maybe longer.

Gabrielle Bernstein 7:21 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 7:21 Six years maybe. I don't even know. And, uh, this is the first time that I've actually seen you calm.

Gabrielle Bernstein 7:27 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 7:27 Like, the first time ever.

Gabrielle Bernstein 7:29 It's the first time I am calm.

Lewis Howes 7:30 I never fully see you, like, look me in the eyes-

Gabrielle Bernstein 7:32 Yeah. I couldn't

Lewis Howes 7:33 ... without, without feeling stressed, or anyone in the eyes, without, like, constantly looking around, without, like, your mind racing. Like, there was always something like, "Man, she's like high-strung or just, like, in control of, like, she never lets go."

Gabrielle Bernstein 7:45 Running.

Lewis Howes 7:45 There's this feeling, yes, of like never letting go. And I was like, "Wow, you're in the middle of your book launch," and I was like, "How are you so calm?"

Gabrielle Bernstein 7:51 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 7:51 'Cause I know what it's like, [laughs] you know?

Gabrielle Bernstein 7:53 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 7:53 To, to go through a launch.

Gabrielle Bernstein 7:54 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 7:55 And you wanna do well, and you wanna sell, and you're doing-

Gabrielle Bernstein 7:56 Yeah

Lewis Howes 7:56 ... interviews left and right five times a day. So it's really inspiring to see your transformation in the last, you know, since the last time we hung out and to see the calm inside of you.

Gabrielle Bernstein 8:07 It means a lot to me-

Lewis Howes 8:08 Yeah

Gabrielle Bernstein 8:08 ... coming from you because truly the last time I saw you was a week bef- the week that I remembered.

Lewis Howes 8:13 Mm-hmm.

Gabrielle Bernstein 8:14 And I was a real head case, and I was really, I was-

Lewis Howes 8:16 Yeah

Gabrielle Bernstein 8:16 ... I was breaking down and losing it. So I was pretty excited to come here today and say, "Hey, this is what was up-

Lewis Howes 8:22 Right. Right

Gabrielle Bernstein 8:22 ... and this is what's happening now."

Lewis Howes 8:24 Yeah, yeah.

Gabrielle Bernstein 8:25 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 8:25 Not that I didn't love you before, that I was like-

Gabrielle Bernstein 8:26 No, but it's hard to-

Lewis Howes 8:27 ... "She's off," but it was just, there was something-

Gabrielle Bernstein 8:29 It's hard to really connect with someone-

Lewis Howes 8:31 Yeah

Gabrielle Bernstein 8:31 ... on that level, whether you're a friend or even a spouse, you know?

Lewis Howes 8:34 Yeah.

Gabrielle Bernstein 8:34 I have a deeper connection with my husband now than I have ever had in 10 years of being with him-

Lewis Howes 8:39 Wow

Gabrielle Bernstein 8:39 ... because I'm finally letting go and surrendering, and not just on my meditation pillow, but in my life.

Lewis Howes 8:47 Yeah.

Gabrielle Bernstein 8:48 And I've, I'm finally... You know, I was at a Hay House event, and, um, the guy who does the sound engineering, you know, comes and puts his mic on me, and I see him every time I do a Hay House event, and this was, like, a few months after remembering this trauma. And he looks at me, and he says, "What's new, Gabby?" And I said, "You know, Matt?"

Lewis Howes 9:05 [laughs]

Gabrielle Bernstein 9:06 "I'm new."

Lewis Howes 9:07 Wow.

Gabrielle Bernstein 9:08 I said, "I'm new," and I owned that. I own that completely, like, I'm completely new. And the, and I, and I, there's some big things I wanted to talk to you about today actually 'cause it relates to what-

Lewis Howes 9:19 Yeah

Gabrielle Bernstein 9:19 ... you were saying about, you know, when you have trauma, h-how that driving force can, in some cases, in my case at first it w- was channeled into drugs and alcohol, but then I redirected it and channeled it into good, thankfully.

Lewis Howes 9:31 Yes.

Gabrielle Bernstein 9:31 But now I can channel it into great.

Lewis Howes 9:33 Mm.

Gabrielle Bernstein 9:34 Right? But what I had noticed at the time when I was first in this early recovery, and I'm still in early recovery. It's only been, you know, seven months or whatever, but-

Lewis Howes 9:42 Yeah

Gabrielle Bernstein 9:42 ... the first few months when I was h- struggling to get out of bed in the mornings, right?

Lewis Howes 9:45 It's no joke.

Gabrielle Bernstein 9:46 It's no joke. [laughs]

Lewis Howes 9:47 It's no joke.

Gabrielle Bernstein 9:47 It's, it's, it's literally the most brutal. It, it-

Lewis Howes 9:49 You're like in a hangover constantly, right?

Gabrielle Bernstein 9:51 Yeah. It, it's far worse than, than, than my, uh, my, uh, cocaine addiction and-

Lewis Howes 9:55 Yeah

Gabrielle Bernstein 9:55 ... recovering from cocaine. I mean, far, far worse, you know? Um, and anyway, so I'd co- I'd wake up in the morning, I'd feel really depressed. And I would, I would walk up to my office, and I'd sit down to the computer and start working, and I'd see myself take a deep breath like this was my way of numbing out. And so while I had put down the drink and the drug and had been clean for 11 years, I had was absolutely-

Lewis Howes 10:20 You were on the go constantly

Gabrielle Bernstein 10:22 ... yes.

Lewis Howes 10:22 Driven.

Gabrielle Bernstein 10:23 My-

Lewis Howes 10:24 Work

Gabrielle Bernstein 10:24 ... drive-

Lewis Howes 10:24 Create. Create

Gabrielle Bernstein 10:24 ... my work, create, create.

Lewis Howes 10:26 Yeah.

Gabrielle Bernstein 10:27 While it was funneled into something that was serving the world greatly-

Lewis Howes 10:30 Yeah, positive

Gabrielle Bernstein 10:31 ... it was, it was killing me.

Lewis Howes 10:32 Absolutely.

Gabrielle Bernstein 10:33 And what I did in that moment was I diagnosed myself with, with work addiction, and work addiction is something that no one talks about. There's no 12-step group for it.

Lewis Howes 10:42 Yeah.

Gabrielle Bernstein 10:42 It's not, I mean, there's a book in this, 100%.

Lewis Howes 10:45 I, 100%, yeah.

Gabrielle Bernstein 10:46 And it-

Lewis Howes 10:46 Especially with entrepreneurs who are trying to create their own thing

Gabrielle Bernstein 10:48 ... we're praised for it, right? "Oh, you work so hard."

Lewis Howes 10:51 No sleep. Yeah, yeah.

Gabrielle Bernstein 10:51 "You do everything. You do so much." And it's like how is that something to be proud of when you... It's proud of your accomplishments, sure. But that proud of beating-

Lewis Howes 10:59 But at what price?

Gabrielle Bernstein 11:00 ... your body-

Lewis Howes 11:01 What cost? Yeah

Gabrielle Bernstein 11:01 ... yes, at what cost?

Lewis Howes 11:02 Yeah.

Gabrielle Bernstein 11:02 Your relationships, your physical presence, your, you know, your capacity to be with someone connected in some way. And so, you know, I think all addiction is the, is, you know, the root cause of all addiction is trauma in some way.

Lewis Howes 11:13 Really?

Gabrielle Bernstein 11:14 Yeah. I've come to understand that and accept that. It's all trauma.

Lewis Howes 11:17 Even if it's a positive addiction like working on your health or working on-

Gabrielle Bernstein 11:21 Yeah, I mean, I think there are positive focuses, but po- but, but addiction is when we become powerless, when you become, when life is unmanageable.

Lewis Howes 11:30 Yeah.

Gabrielle Bernstein 11:30 So you could have, like, a addiction to your health, and you could be powerless and unmanageable, and that's not necessarily positive anymore.

Lewis Howes 11:36 True.

Gabrielle Bernstein 11:36 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 11:37 Wow. So do you feel like... I mean, you're still pretty driven, though. You already talked about writing the next book. I mean-

Gabrielle Bernstein 11:41 Well, it's amazing. I haven't lost any drive-

Lewis Howes 11:43 Yeah

Gabrielle Bernstein 11:43 ... but I have, like- You know, days where I could be like, "Oh," 'cause I hired a shitload of people, as you know.

Lewis Howes 11:48 Yes.

Gabrielle Bernstein 11:49 Um, as a result-

Lewis Howes 11:49 So you let go of control.

Gabrielle Bernstein 11:50 I let go of the control. I let people help me.

Lewis Howes 11:51 Mm-hmm.

Gabrielle Bernstein 11:51 I let my husband step in and run my business in the most beautiful way, and, like, just got out of the way. And so now when you, when you let people, when you hire people, you're like, "Well, I have a lot less to do." [laughs]

Lewis Howes 12:01 Yeah, yeah.

Gabrielle Bernstein 12:01 And all I can focus on now is, like, creating beautiful content, doing things like this with you-

Lewis Howes 12:05 Mm-hmm

Gabrielle Bernstein 12:05 ... being on the road and giving my talks. And, and I had this affirmation that I was using throughout the year when I was falling apart, which was something that I wanted. I wasn't there, but I wanted it. And so I would say out loud in the mirror or walking around, "Everything is happening around me I am fully taking care of." And I could feel it, and there was, like, one area of my life, and this is, like, a good manifesting tip for people listening.

Lewis Howes 12:25 Yeah.

Gabrielle Bernstein 12:25 There was this one area of my life that was, uh, like, my, I have this, I have this event planner who runs my, her name is Annette, and she just slays. Like, she just does the best job running these events.

Lewis Howes 12:35 Yeah.

Gabrielle Bernstein 12:35 She's, she was formerly a coaching client 11 years ago.

Lewis Howes 12:37 Wow.

Gabrielle Bernstein 12:37 You know, like, she's just a dear sister to me, but she's an amazing event planner. And so I, I had this, this knowing even at the time when I wasn't letting people help me, I let her help me. And so I knew what it felt like to be taken care of, and so I would think about what it felt like with Annette, 'cause there was one f- frame of reference that I had.

Lewis Howes 12:54 Mm-hmm.

Gabrielle Bernstein 12:54 Right? And then I would use the affirmation, feeling the feeling of what it felt like to do an event with Annette, and I would call on that feeling, and I'd say this affirmation, and then all of a sudden, you know, four or five months into my trauma healing-

Lewis Howes 13:06 Mm-hmm

Gabrielle Bernstein 13:06 ... I was looking at my life, and I was like, "Everything is happening around me-"

Lewis Howes 13:10 Amazing

Gabrielle Bernstein 13:10 ... "I'm truly taken care of." [laughs]

Lewis Howes 13:11 Yeah, I remember you used to do it all in your business. You used to manage everything-

Gabrielle Bernstein 13:14 I-

Lewis Howes 13:14 ... create the content-

Gabrielle Bernstein 13:15 Seven months ago

Lewis Howes 13:15 ... edit it, write it, you know.

Gabrielle Bernstein 13:16 Seven months ago I had one VA-

Lewis Howes 13:18 Yeah

Gabrielle Bernstein 13:18 ... running this crazy-

Lewis Howes 13:19 I remember that. It seems, like, so overwhelming to me.

Gabrielle Bernstein 13:21 It's-

Lewis Howes 13:21 So stressful

Gabrielle Bernstein 13:22 ... it was, I mean, I was sitting in your house at a party, like, begging for help.

Lewis Howes 13:25 [laughs] I remember this.

Gabrielle Bernstein 13:25 And I was like, "I don't know what the hell I'm doing," and you guys were all looking at me cross-eyed like, "Girl, hire somebody."

Lewis Howes 13:30 Yeah, yeah, yeah, I-

Gabrielle Bernstein 13:30 But I was so unwilling and so afraid to let people help me.

Lewis Howes 13:34 Why?

Gabrielle Bernstein 13:35 Um, because my, the way that I masked my trauma was by trying to keep it all under my control.

Lewis Howes 13:42 Mm.

Gabrielle Bernstein 13:42 And, you know, and with that suffering comes TMJ, which I'm still healing, and physical tension.

Lewis Howes 13:48 Just cracking of the jaw constantly.

Gabrielle Bernstein 13:49 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 13:49 Yeah.

Gabrielle Bernstein 13:50 Yeah, yeah.

Lewis Howes 13:50 Wow.

Gabrielle Bernstein 13:51 But you can, you know, but you can start to feel it unraveling, and now I have a whole life ahead of me that is, is free.

Lewis Howes 13:56 Yeah.

Gabrielle Bernstein 13:56 So.

Lewis Howes 13:57 I think I saw on your Instagram stories a couple months ago, you, like, you have a house somewhere in, like, the woods or something.

Gabrielle Bernstein 14:02 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 14:02 And I was like, "Awesome." You just get to, like, decompress-

Gabrielle Bernstein 14:05 Yeah

Lewis Howes 14:05 ... and relax-

Gabrielle Bernstein 14:06 Yeah

Lewis Howes 14:06 ... and have some balance every now and then.

Gabrielle Bernstein 14:07 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 14:08 That's pretty cool.

Gabrielle Bernstein 14:09 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 14:09 So are you doing more of that where you're just, like, taking days off or-

Gabrielle Bernstein 14:11 I live there

Lewis Howes 14:11 ... just, you know.

Gabrielle Bernstein 14:11 I live, I mean, I have a place in the city, but I-

Lewis Howes 14:12 It's Connecticut, is that where it is?

Gabrielle Bernstein 14:13 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 14:13 Yeah, yeah.

Gabrielle Bernstein 14:14 Yeah, and I, I, I'm, I'm barely in the city. Like, I'm in the city if I have to be.

Lewis Howes 14:17 Really?

Gabrielle Bernstein 14:17 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 14:17 Now you're living full time-

Gabrielle Bernstein 14:18 I have two places, but I try to be in the country, like-

Lewis Howes 14:21 Really?

Gabrielle Bernstein 14:21 ... most of the time.

Lewis Howes 14:22 'Cause you can just-

Gabrielle Bernstein 14:23 Yeah

Lewis Howes 14:23 ... you just have to relax there.

Gabrielle Bernstein 14:25 It's-

Lewis Howes 14:25 It's like-

Gabrielle Bernstein 14:26 It's, it's, it's the best thing that ever happened to me

Lewis Howes 14:27 ... sprawl, you know? Yeah.

Gabrielle Bernstein 14:28 Yeah. I have a community of people that I love there. It's like, New York City is great, and I'm grateful-

Lewis Howes 14:33 I love New York

Gabrielle Bernstein 14:33 ... for having my home there, but it's not my home anymore.

Lewis Howes 14:37 Mm. Mm.

Gabrielle Bernstein 14:38 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 14:38 So if someone's feel- I mean, I just did this event in Columbus, Ohio, and there was so many incredible people from all over the world who came, and there were a lot of people who are afraid to really go after their dreams or afraid to leave the relationship that they've been in for a long time, afraid to go after the relationship they want, afraid to all these different things. How, what's the first step to overcoming the fear or transforming the fear?

Gabrielle Bernstein 15:01 Hmm. To witness it, to be, to be the nonjudgmental witness of it, to look at it and say, "Something's gotta give," right?

Lewis Howes 15:10 Mm.

Gabrielle Bernstein 15:10 So, so w- w- if you're unwilling to look at your fear head-on and honor it and, and witness, I always say, "If you don't show up for what's up, it will keep showing up." So looking and saying, you know, "I witness my resistance," and you see that fear as resistance. It's r- it's, it's fear is a resistance to what it is that you desire. And in the absence of resistance, you become a magnet for what you desire. You know, when you let go of that fear and you transcend that fear, that's when you start to become a super attractor. That's when you start to-

Lewis Howes 15:41 Mm

Gabrielle Bernstein 15:41 ... let what is truly, uh, of essence for you into your life, what is truly of service for you into your life, what is true happiness into your life. And so looking at the fear, witnessing it, calling it by its name, and even if you don't have the tools yet-

Lewis Howes 15:55 Mm

Gabrielle Bernstein 15:55 ... what happens is, is when you look at the fear and you're like, "Oh, I see this fear. I see this resistance. I see how it's blocking my life-"

Lewis Howes 16:01 Right

Gabrielle Bernstein 16:01 ... "and I choose to see it differently," that's when you'll listen to an audio like this. That's when a book like yours will fall off the shelf.

Lewis Howes 16:07 A catalyst to open up.

Gabrielle Bernstein 16:08 Yeah, you, y- exactly. You open up your consciousness pretty much. You crack open your consciousness to find solutions rather than find problems.

Lewis Howes 16:14 Right.

Gabrielle Bernstein 16:14 And so when you're not looking at the fear, you're just living in the fear and you're believing in the problem. But when you witness the fear-

Lewis Howes 16:19 Mm

Gabrielle Bernstein 16:19 ... and you're willing to see it differently, you start living in the solution.

Lewis Howes 16:22 So it's acknowledging that-

Gabrielle Bernstein 16:23 Yeah

Lewis Howes 16:23 ... you're, you're experiencing the fear, that you're being held back, that you're resistant to growth or whatever it is you're looking for.

Gabrielle Bernstein 16:28 Not judging it.

Lewis Howes 16:29 Acknowledging it.

Gabrielle Bernstein 16:29 You know, look at the fear without any more judgment.

Lewis Howes 16:31 So don't beat yourself up. Don't say-

Gabrielle Bernstein 16:32 You can't

Lewis Howes 16:32 ... "Oh, I see it, and what, I'm such an idiot. I'm such a loser."

Gabrielle Bernstein 16:35 Right.

Lewis Howes 16:35 Just-

Gabrielle Bernstein 16:35 No, be proud of yourself for looking at it.

Lewis Howes 16:37 Mm.

Gabrielle Bernstein 16:37 Be proud of yourself.

Lewis Howes 16:38 Being aware.

Gabrielle Bernstein 16:38 And being aware, and then start, you know, using an affirmation or a prayer that says, "I'm willing to see this differently. Show me what to do." [laughs] And that's when you're gonna be led to the book or the-

Lewis Howes 16:47 To be open

Gabrielle Bernstein 16:47 ... or the author or the yoga teacher or the therapist or whatever it is-

Lewis Howes 16:50 Mm-hmm

Gabrielle Bernstein 16:50 ... that you need to transcend that fear. And I believe that, that the universe works through people. So when you say yes to healing, the healing is presented to you in very profound ways that you could never imagine, and, and they, and it comes through because you open up your awareness for it.

Lewis Howes 17:06 Hmm. That's powerful. Is there anything you have yet to heal?

Gabrielle Bernstein 17:11 Yeah, I'm still healing this trauma stuff. I mean, it's like, like I said, I'm in such early recovery. I'm in, like, the infant stages of this recovery, and-

Lewis Howes 17:19 Mm

Gabrielle Bernstein 17:19 ... while I'm out of the weeds, I've got, you know, stuff to deal with with people, and, and I have stuff to deal with-

Lewis Howes 17:25 Yeah

Gabrielle Bernstein 17:25 ... with my physical body and my, and my sexual energy, and, you know, it's like, it's brutal as... And you know, I mean, and in speaking to anyone that's been through this-

Lewis Howes 17:35 Mm-hmm

Gabrielle Bernstein 17:35 ... it's like I have so much compassion, and it, it, it ruins people's lives.

Lewis Howes 17:40 Yeah.

Gabrielle Bernstein 17:40 And so I have to rebuild my life.

Lewis Howes 17:42 Wow.

Gabrielle Bernstein 17:42 And so, um, I'm, I'm gonna not be the victim.

Lewis Howes 17:47 Mm-hmm.

Gabrielle Bernstein 17:47 I'm gonna be the survivor and, and someone who's gonna thrive as a result-

Lewis Howes 17:52 Mm

Gabrielle Bernstein 17:52 ... of this knowing and heal people through knowing. But, um-

Lewis Howes 17:56 Mm

Gabrielle Bernstein 17:57 ... it's work. It's not like it's easy.

Lewis Howes 17:58 Yeah, absolutely.

Gabrielle Bernstein 17:59 So, you know, I had dinner with, um, my friend Sheila Kelley last night. She's at, the founder of S Factor. We should get her on this show actually. And, um, she and I were talking and sh- you know, it's like here I am sitting next to this woman who's sort of embodying this freedom, this physical, sexual freedom-

Lewis Howes 18:12 Mm

Gabrielle Bernstein 18:12 ... that I really long for, and she's like, "I'm gonna mentor you. I'm gonna help you." And there was [laughs] so much resistance. I was like, "Ah, like I can't go. No, no, no. It's too scary." And then I was like, "Wait, this is what I've been praying for."

Lewis Howes 18:21 Yeah.

Gabrielle Bernstein 18:22 I've been praying for some healing, and it's right in front of me, sitting at dinner, offering to be my mentor-

Lewis Howes 18:26 Mm

Gabrielle Bernstein 18:26 ... and guide through this. I have to say yes. So that's the next step in healing fear, is that if you, you know, ask for guidance, you say, "I witnessed my f- problem and I fear it, I need guidance," and the guidance shows up, you better say [laughs] yes to it.

Lewis Howes 18:37 Yeah.

Gabrielle Bernstein 18:38 You have to say yes to it. And in that moment it's like-

Lewis Howes 18:39 Yeah, once you, once you see the tools or the teacher, take action and start learning.

Gabrielle Bernstein 18:43 And people don't, you know.

Lewis Howes 18:44 Yeah.

Gabrielle Bernstein 18:44 They, they, they can come in and they just say, "No. No, it's too much."

Lewis Howes 18:46 I feel like we need ch- we need to be challenged more in life. You know? I feel like we need to be called to a challenge.

Gabrielle Bernstein 18:52 Mm.

Lewis Howes 18:52 And I think teachers or books or podcasts or whatever allow us to create that challenge, where someone-

Gabrielle Bernstein 18:57 Yeah

Lewis Howes 18:57 ... that keeps you accountable to something you should be doing.

Gabrielle Bernstein 19:00 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 19:00 A challenge for yourself. Some type of game. I like to make things into a game.

Gabrielle Bernstein 19:03 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 19:03 Like if I'm scared of something, I talk about this a lot on here, like when I was a teenager I was scared to talk to girls.

Gabrielle Bernstein 19:08 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 19:08 But I wanted to have a girlfriend, right?

Gabrielle Bernstein 19:10 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 19:10 And I was just terrified 'cause I didn't feel intelligent and I didn't feel like I was good-looking. I was just like this goofy, tall, skinny kid with like acne, whatever, and just very insecure. [lips smack] And so I gave myself a challenge, uh, going into my, my junior year. I said, "Okay, I'm sick and tired of feeling scared around every single girl that I'm attracted to."

Gabrielle Bernstein 19:28 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 19:28 "I'm tired of this. I'm tired of this feeling of not knowing what to say, of just like feeling like an idiot. Like, I'm, I'm over it. Like, enough is enough." So I said, "Every time I go outside during the summer and I see a girl that gives me butterflies, I have to go up and say hi to her."

Gabrielle Bernstein 19:42 Right on.

Lewis Howes 19:42 And just say hi. And then a hi turned into n- asking for her number, into like meeting up later. And by the end of the summer I was like, "I could talk to anyone."

Gabrielle Bernstein 19:50 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 19:50 You know, it didn't matter if they like turned me down or didn't talk back to me. I was just like, "All right. Whatever. On to the next." You know. A- I was able to transform my fear by just e- practicing.

Gabrielle Bernstein 19:59 By doing it. Yeah.

Lewis Howes 20:00 Acknowledging, "Okay, I'm afraid," and then practicing-

Gabrielle Bernstein 20:03 Mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 20:03 ... different things. "Oh, that didn't work? Oh, let me not be a complete idiot the next time-

Gabrielle Bernstein 20:07 Mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 20:07 ... and just be more happy," or whatever, you know?

Gabrielle Bernstein 20:09 Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 20:09 And just try again.

Gabrielle Bernstein 20:11 There's a lot in the book about how to, you know, just showing up.

Lewis Howes 20:13 Yeah.

Gabrielle Bernstein 20:13 Just start showing up.

Lewis Howes 20:14 Mm-hmm.

Gabrielle Bernstein 20:15 And, and trusting in the process of showing up.

Lewis Howes 20:17 Mm.

Gabrielle Bernstein 20:17 Like trusting that there's, that there's, even when you mess up, you're showing up.

Lewis Howes 20:22 Yeah. Absolutely.

Gabrielle Bernstein 20:23 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 20:23 Mm. [lips smack] Who was the, uh, most in- influential person in your life growing up?

Gabrielle Bernstein 20:28 Growing up, uh... Well, you know, I'd have to say my mom because while my mom has, has gone through her own ha- personal healings and struggles-

Lewis Howes 20:39 Mm-hmm

Gabrielle Bernstein 20:39 ... and in some ways taught me a lot of the chaotic ways that I was living, uh, just by, you know, being in her presence, sh- sh- you know, some of what I witnessed her do was channel that frantic energy into creation.

Lewis Howes 20:53 Mm.

Gabrielle Bernstein 20:53 And so while I had all this frantic energy I could have channeled it to a lot of things.

Lewis Howes 20:57 Yeah.

Gabrielle Bernstein 20:57 I could've ch- I mean, I did. I channeled it to drugs. I could... But it, but i- at the, at the core-

Lewis Howes 21:03 Mm

Gabrielle Bernstein 21:03 ... this, this channeling of the frantic into creating was a, even though it was coming from a pretty wacky place, was a pretty powerful lesson to learn. That I could do anything. That I could, that I could create anything. And so there's a lot of layers to what that was for me and in retrospect I can see how it was kinda detrimental in some ways, but mainly amazing.

Lewis Howes 21:27 Yeah.

Gabrielle Bernstein 21:27 Because I wouldn't be sitting here with you today. And, and you know, I think back like would you change anything, would I change anything about my traumatic past or anything? No, because I wouldn't be me right now, and I live for this life that I'm in.

Lewis Howes 21:38 Mm. Mm.

Gabrielle Bernstein 21:38 And I love what I, who I am and I am proud of, of everything I've done to this point even though there may have been a lot of chaos in it. And then I'm really proud of who I'm becoming.

Lewis Howes 21:47 Yeah.

Gabrielle Bernstein 21:47 So I don't, I wouldn't change it.

Lewis Howes 21:49 Yeah. What was it like, um, when you told your husband when you found out about the trauma? What-

Gabrielle Bernstein 21:56 Um-

Lewis Howes 21:56 ... what was that conversation like? How did you approach it? How did he respond?

Gabrielle Bernstein 21:58 I mean, he, I have the most incredible husband in the whole world. And, uh, so he held me, and continues to hold me, in, in my transformation.

Lewis Howes 22:08 Mm.

Gabrielle Bernstein 22:08 And I think on a subtle level I think he was relieved because, not relieved that something had happened to me, but relieved to know.

Lewis Howes 22:15 Mm.

Gabrielle Bernstein 22:15 Because there was such a disconnect. You know, the same disconnect that you felt with me on like these random occasions that we'd see each other. Imagine being married to me. [laughs]

Lewis Howes 22:23 [laughs] Every day you're like, "Why is she so in control?" [laughs]

Gabrielle Bernstein 22:25 Why is she trying to control? Why is she-

Lewis Howes 22:27 Yeah

Gabrielle Bernstein 22:27 ... so manic, you know?

Lewis Howes 22:29 Mm.

Gabrielle Bernstein 22:29 And living with that was very, very hard for him.

Lewis Howes 22:32 Mm.

Gabrielle Bernstein 22:32 And there was an energetic disconnect, and all he longed for was that connection.

Lewis Howes 22:37 Mm.

Gabrielle Bernstein 22:37 And so I think-

Lewis Howes 22:38 The intimacy and you letting go-

Gabrielle Bernstein 22:39 Totally

Lewis Howes 22:39 ... and surrendering. Yeah.

Gabrielle Bernstein 22:40 And the moment of acknowledging what it was I think was just this-

Lewis Howes 22:43 Wow

Gabrielle Bernstein 22:43 ... great relief for both of us.

Lewis Howes 22:45 Wow.

Gabrielle Bernstein 22:45 "Oh, there's a reason. Okay, I'm not just-

Lewis Howes 22:48 Mm.

Gabrielle Bernstein 22:48 "I, I'm not just, this isn't just a sentence, you know?"

Lewis Howes 22:51 Yeah.

Gabrielle Bernstein 22:51 "I'm not gonna just be this person. There's actually something to heal."

Lewis Howes 22:54 This is interesting. I'm writing a, I don't know if I told you this already, but I'm writing a book called The Mask of Masculinity.

Gabrielle Bernstein 22:59 Woo! What a title. Wow.

Lewis Howes 23:01 Every female who comes on here gives the same reaction.

Gabrielle Bernstein 23:04 That is fabulous.

Lewis Howes 23:05 Yes. And it's about the, uh, the masks that men wear [lips smack] that hold them back from living the most loving, authentic life they could have-

Gabrielle Bernstein 23:15 Yeah

Lewis Howes 23:15 ... and actually living the life of their dreams and having it all, the relationship, the freedom, peace, everything.

Gabrielle Bernstein 23:21 Oh my God, I am so proud of you.

Lewis Howes 23:22 Thank you. Yeah.

Gabrielle Bernstein 23:23 You're so fabulous.

Lewis Howes 23:24 Thank you.

Gabrielle Bernstein 23:24 It's beautiful.

Lewis Howes 23:25 And, uh, in the process of this research, it's been unbelievable the research that I'm, that I'm learning and the people I'm connecting with about this, um, [lips smack] 'cause I feel like it's my own continual healing process, you know? I wore many masks growing up, you know? I, I, uh, from the trauma and from other things I just wore them, you know? Uh, to protect myself. And, um, I'm curious to know, to, to hear your thoughts on this. Do you feel like [lips smack] you in any way hurt your husband from essentially wearing your mask for so many years that you were in a relationship with him, and now finally starting to take it off? Do you feel like you affected his life in any way?

Gabrielle Bernstein 24:02 Oh, definitely. Yeah. Yeah, I think that, um- Yeah, I think that tra- you know, if you're living with someone who's, has unhealed trauma, anyone, we all have unhealed trauma-

Lewis Howes 24:11 Yeah

Gabrielle Bernstein 24:11 ... of some kind.

Lewis Howes 24:12 Yeah, yeah.

Gabrielle Bernstein 24:13 That we, that our wounds are a mirror of someone else's wounds, or can activate other wounds and, and so I think that as a result of me taking down my mask-

Lewis Howes 24:23 Mm

Gabrielle Bernstein 24:23 ... he's been able to take down his. And-

Lewis Howes 24:25 'Cause he probably had to protect himself or...

Gabrielle Bernstein 24:27 Absolutely. A- and also just the defensiveness and the-

Lewis Howes 24:31 Mm-hmm

Gabrielle Bernstein 24:31 ... sadness of, of not knowing why there's this disconnect.

Lewis Howes 24:35 Yeah.

Gabrielle Bernstein 24:35 And frustration.

Lewis Howes 24:36 Mm-hmm.

Gabrielle Bernstein 24:37 Major frustration. But, th- you know, there's a lot to be said for two people that are on a path of personal growth, and when they show up, like miracles happen.

Lewis Howes 24:44 Right. How do you feel like he's transformed, or has he, from you letting go and opening up?

Gabrielle Bernstein 24:50 Um, my husband is the greatest transformation I've ever seen in my life.

Lewis Howes 24:55 Mm.

Gabrielle Bernstein 24:55 He is a miracle. He has completely changed his personality. He's changed his attitude about life. He's changed his hair [laughs] and his beard. [laughs] Um, you know, and I say that he's changed his hair and his beard because he's like, you know, he, he left, he worked in private equity for a decade-

Lewis Howes 25:12 Yeah

Gabrielle Bernstein 25:12 ... and then retired from this very big job to come run his wife's business. You know, that takes a lot of-

Lewis Howes 25:17 [laughs]

Gabrielle Bernstein 25:17 That takes a lot of, um, confidence-

Lewis Howes 25:19 Mm

Gabrielle Bernstein 25:19 ... for a man to do that.

Lewis Howes 25:20 Absolutely.

Gabrielle Bernstein 25:20 And because I'm now in this place where I let him shine in his greatness, he owns his masculinity.

Lewis Howes 25:28 Mm.

Gabrielle Bernstein 25:28 While at the same time, holding a tremendous amount of space for me to be who I am in the world-

Lewis Howes 25:33 Mm-hmm

Gabrielle Bernstein 25:33 ... and be proud of that. You know, standing in the back of my, you know, lecture halls and just like smiling and-

Lewis Howes 25:39 Right, right

Gabrielle Bernstein 25:39 ... just being so proud, you know? And not feeling, feeling like he is, is creating this with me. And I know it's God's work, I know that he and I were placed together-

Lewis Howes 25:49 Mm

Gabrielle Bernstein 25:49 ... to do this work.

Lewis Howes 25:49 Right.

Gabrielle Bernstein 25:49 And there's a lot of people in my field that have p- you know, teamed up with their spouses, and I think it is, I mean, I think that there's, there is something about having, you know, it in all in the same home and trusting-

Lewis Howes 25:58 Yeah

Gabrielle Bernstein 25:59 ... w- trusting-

Lewis Howes 25:59 Absolutely

Gabrielle Bernstein 25:59 ... the person that's behind you.

Lewis Howes 26:00 Absolutely. Did you feel like he ever felt emasculated through-

Gabrielle Bernstein 26:04 Oh, definitely.

Lewis Howes 26:05 Really?

Gabrielle Bernstein 26:06 Oh my God. God, poor, God bless him.

Lewis Howes 26:08 [laughs]

Gabrielle Bernstein 26:08 I was such a... I was only in my masculine. That's all I knew how to do.

Lewis Howes 26:12 I know.

Gabrielle Bernstein 26:12 Because in that running, like, femininity meant, meant vulnerability.

Lewis Howes 26:17 Mm-hmm.

Gabrielle Bernstein 26:17 And vulnerability wasn't safe for me.

Lewis Howes 26:20 Yeah. I don't think I've ever seen you vulnerable until now. I mean, being, opening up, you know.

Gabrielle Bernstein 26:23 I would be vulnerable on my stage. Like, when I would give a talk, I would let myself be vulnerable.

Lewis Howes 26:29 Mm-hmm.

Gabrielle Bernstein 26:29 Um, you know, just let myself be moved by what I was sharing because all the while, I would feel, I would, I could feel God move through me. You know, God, universe-

Lewis Howes 26:39 Mm-hmm

Gabrielle Bernstein 26:39 ... whatever you wanna call it. Um, I would let spirit move, move through me. And so there's, there's, there's sort of an undeniable vulnerability that comes through when you're letting yourself be a channel for that kind of truth.

Lewis Howes 26:49 Yeah.

Gabrielle Bernstein 26:49 Uh-

Lewis Howes 26:49 But then right when you jump off, you're back into, like, control and-

Gabrielle Bernstein 26:52 Oh, yeah

Lewis Howes 26:52 ... masculine mode and-

Gabrielle Bernstein 26:53 Yeah

Lewis Howes 26:54 ... yeah.

Gabrielle Bernstein 26:54 The second I get off that stage. But the one place where I did feel free was on stage and speaking.

Lewis Howes 27:00 Mm.

Gabrielle Bernstein 27:00 And where I would really let go, and I'd really let, let something else move through, or in my meditation.

Lewis Howes 27:05 Yeah.

Gabrielle Bernstein 27:06 Um, but now I'm letting it happen in, in a conversation right here with you.

Lewis Howes 27:10 Yeah.

Gabrielle Bernstein 27:10 Or, you know, in, in, in a, in a, you know, I had lunch, I had breakfast this morning with my best friend from, that I grew up with. I only have this one friend that is from childhood.

Lewis Howes 27:19 Mm-hmm. [laughs]

Gabrielle Bernstein 27:20 And he, you know, I, like he's the only one.

Lewis Howes 27:22 Who gets you, who understands you.

Gabrielle Bernstein 27:22 He's the only one.

Lewis Howes 27:23 Yeah, yeah.

Gabrielle Bernstein 27:23 Like, we're like, "Remember when we heard this?"

Lewis Howes 27:25 [laughs]

Gabrielle Bernstein 27:25 And like he lives out here, and so I, I sat with him, and I like didn't pick up the phone. I sat, you know, he, I shared about what's going on with me. He shared about his mom's diagnosis. Like, we went deep-

Lewis Howes 27:35 Mm

Gabrielle Bernstein 27:35 ... and very fast. You know, we hadn't spoken in many, in a about, you know, a year, and we went right in. And so this capacity to be vulnerable and real, even at breakfast, you know?

Lewis Howes 27:45 Yeah, yeah.

Gabrielle Bernstein 27:45 It's new.

Lewis Howes 27:45 Any moment, yeah.

Gabrielle Bernstein 27:46 Yeah, it's new.

Lewis Howes 27:47 Interesting. How's it feel?

Gabrielle Bernstein 27:49 It feels so great. I'm so glad. [laughs]

Lewis Howes 27:51 [laughs] You look like you have so much weight off your shoulders.

Gabrielle Bernstein 27:54 [laughs] It's amazing.

Lewis Howes 27:55 It's amazing. [laughs]

Gabrielle Bernstein 27:55 It's amazing. You know, don't be afraid to... I guess my message in-

Lewis Howes 27:59 Mm

Gabrielle Bernstein 27:59 ... this is don't be afraid to, to let go of the rope, and don't be afraid to let healing occur even if-

Lewis Howes 28:04 Mm

Gabrielle Bernstein 28:04 ... even though it's so scary. Uh, because it's far more scary not to go there.

Lewis Howes 28:09 Right. What would you say was... Did you realize you were in your masculine energy a lot?

Gabrielle Bernstein 28:14 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 28:15 You realized it?

Gabrielle Bernstein 28:15 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 28:15 You recognized it?

Gabrielle Bernstein 28:16 But I had no idea how to get out.

Lewis Howes 28:17 Interesting. What would you say is now your definition, or I guess then, but what's your definition of masculinity in general now?

Gabrielle Bernstein 28:26 Oh, what a nice question. Um, well, I think that there's fabulous, there is so much great about being in the masculine, right? It's, for me, it was sort of the embodiment of creation and-

Lewis Howes 28:38 Mm-hmm

Gabrielle Bernstein 28:38 ... confidence and, and, um, speaking up and having a voice and, not that that's not feminine too, but, uh, but, but in a, um, sort of, sort of, uh, loud and proud way, right?

Lewis Howes 28:49 Yeah.

Gabrielle Bernstein 28:49 Sort of owning my circumstances.

Lewis Howes 28:52 Mm-hmm.

Gabrielle Bernstein 28:53 And, and, and not being afraid to, to show up.

Lewis Howes 28:57 Yeah.

Gabrielle Bernstein 28:57 And, um, so there's, there, that can, you can do that from a feminine place, of course.

Lewis Howes 29:02 Sure.

Gabrielle Bernstein 29:02 But there's a f- there's a f- there's a fierceness around being in that masculine energy, which, which is, you know, m- most of my contemporaries that are women, some of which are on your wall, um, the key to their successes was being in that masculine.

Lewis Howes 29:15 Mm-hmm.

Gabrielle Bernstein 29:15 But I think the key to their greatest successes will be merging that masculine with their feminine.

Lewis Howes 29:22 Hm. You'll have to let me know, 'cause I've never been married. When you're in a marriage and the female is being masculine a majority of the time, is it possible for the man to be just as masculine, or do they have to kind of default into their feminine to be able to just function?

Gabrielle Bernstein 29:38 Hm. Well, first of all, I think you should interview Marianne Williamson for your book.

Lewis Howes 29:43 I've had her in.

Gabrielle Bernstein 29:44 Okay, great.

Lewis Howes 29:44 Yep.

Gabrielle Bernstein 29:44 But for the book.

Lewis Howes 29:45 Yeah, yeah.

Gabrielle Bernstein 29:45 Because she's done a lot of work on this-

Lewis Howes 29:47 Sure

Gabrielle Bernstein 29:47 ... concept.

Lewis Howes 29:47 Okay.

Gabrielle Bernstein 29:48 But I think that we dance a lot, I think couples can dance between both.

Lewis Howes 29:53 Mm-hmm.

Gabrielle Bernstein 29:53 So my husband can be very masculine and, you know, take care of business and, you know, runs, like my house, like, runs on a full tight ship because that man-

Lewis Howes 30:02 Yeah

Gabrielle Bernstein 30:02 ... is so, he, you know, he's got his, he's, like, getting his contractor's license. Like, he is legit.

Lewis Howes 30:06 Wow.

Gabrielle Bernstein 30:06 Yeah, he's amazing. And, um- And then also, like, legal. He's a lawyer, so he runs legal. Like, he's gonna run shit, you know?

Lewis Howes 30:14 Yeah. [laughs]

Gabrielle Bernstein 30:14 But then at the same time, he can move into the space of the feminine and, like, let me nurture and take care of him in that sort of feminine, softer, gentler place. So I think that we-- That learning the dance and learning what ... Like, these areas are when it's great when I'm in my masculine, and these areas are great-

Lewis Howes 30:30 Mm-hmm

Gabrielle Bernstein 30:30 ... when he's in his feminine and, and the vi- and vice versa. And, and, and that I don't think there's anything wrong with slipping in and out as long as you go in and out, and you don't just stay in these two headbutting places.

Lewis Howes 30:40 Yeah.

Gabrielle Bernstein 30:40 Um, and, and I think it's extremely important, this is what Marianne has taught me, it's extremely important that we as women make a commitment to be in our feminine.

Lewis Howes 30:49 [laughs]

Gabrielle Bernstein 30:50 Because you guys need it. Like, you-

Lewis Howes 30:53 If you're masculine, we don't know what to do, right?

Gabrielle Bernstein 30:55 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 30:55 It's like-

Gabrielle Bernstein 30:56 Yeah. You, your makeup-

Lewis Howes 30:58 [laughs]

Gabrielle Bernstein 30:58 And there's a beautiful book by Louann Brizendine, the book on the female brain.

Lewis Howes 31:01 Mm.

Gabrielle Bernstein 31:01 And she talks about how, like, the male brain, like, just needs to, to, like sh- to h- help and support-

Lewis Howes 31:09 Mm-hmm

Gabrielle Bernstein 31:09 ... and serve and, and there's a lot of bodies of work on this, you know?

Lewis Howes 31:12 Yeah, yeah.

Gabrielle Bernstein 31:12 Allison Armstrong, all this great work on, on, on the ma- the male brain. The man, the man is, like, hardwired to, to support, to fix, to make things. And so if the woman's constantly doing that, you're n- I'm not letting a man do his job. Like, do-

Lewis Howes 31:26 If you're constantly fixing everything, yeah.

Gabrielle Bernstein 31:29 You just gotta let them i- let them in.

Lewis Howes 31:31 Mm.

Gabrielle Bernstein 31:31 Let them show up. Let them make the reservation.

Lewis Howes 31:32 At least part-time sometimes, right?

Gabrielle Bernstein 31:34 Yes.

Lewis Howes 31:34 Majority of time, whatever, yeah.

Gabrielle Bernstein 31:36 Yes. Yes.

Lewis Howes 31:37 Interesting.

Gabrielle Bernstein 31:38 It's crucial.

Lewis Howes 31:39 So you've s- you've seen a, a huge shift then in, in your relationship-

Gabrielle Bernstein 31:42 Yes

Lewis Howes 31:42 ... because of this? Yeah.

Gabrielle Bernstein 31:43 Much deeper connection.

Lewis Howes 31:44 Yeah.

Gabrielle Bernstein 31:45 And respect for one another.

Lewis Howes 31:47 Mm.

Gabrielle Bernstein 31:47 And, and I've fallen in love with him again in a different way, and I believe it's the same for him.

Lewis Howes 31:50 Did you ever feel like the relationship, and maybe I'm getting too personal here, but did you ever feel like the relationship was going to not work out i- in your marriage?

Gabrielle Bernstein 31:57 No, I always had a lot of faith in our relationship-

Lewis Howes 31:58 Mm

Gabrielle Bernstein 31:58 ... because even in the darkest times, we were willing to do the work.

Lewis Howes 32:02 Yeah.

Gabrielle Bernstein 32:02 And so I think that-

Lewis Howes 32:03 You've been committed.

Gabrielle Bernstein 32:04 Yeah, but, but rather than just beyond commitment and having a ring, I think if two people are willing to, like, do the spiritual and personal growth work around being in a relationship-

Lewis Howes 32:14 Mm

Gabrielle Bernstein 32:14 ... it can work.

Lewis Howes 32:15 Yeah.

Gabrielle Bernstein 32:16 It really can work. It can thrive.

Lewis Howes 32:17 What's it mean to have a spiritual practice? What does that mean-

Gabrielle Bernstein 32:21 Mm

Lewis Howes 32:21 ... and look like? Does that mean praying every day? Uh, to-

Gabrielle Bernstein 32:24 Well, it means what you want it to mean. I mean, this book, these books I write are helping people establish a spiritual relationship and practice of their own understanding. And so for me, what it means is having daily devotion to connecting to the universe, to source, to love, right? To, to God, to the million ways of calling it. I, I call it All, right? I c- call it God. I'll call it the universe. I'll call it spirit. But, um, or alignment.

Lewis Howes 32:47 Mm-hmm.

Gabrielle Bernstein 32:47 But, but, but having daily devotion to that alignment through-

Lewis Howes 32:52 Is that considered meditation or just a period of time?

Gabrielle Bernstein 32:55 Both. Prayer, meditation, devoting time, and sometimes that time may only be five minutes in the morning. But for me, I make a commitment, at least 20-

Lewis Howes 33:03 Mm-hmm

Gabrielle Bernstein 33:04 ... to just really listen. And then in the afternoon, I try to do it as well because, you know, it's like you get taken out all day long.

Lewis Howes 33:11 Yeah.

Gabrielle Bernstein 33:11 And then throughout the day, being in... I live in a constant prayer. You know, every moment there's, like, some shit that's thrown at me, and I'm like, "How can I see this differently? Help me change my mind about this."

Lewis Howes 33:20 Mm.

Gabrielle Bernstein 33:20 And just k- offering it up and offering it up, and there's actually tons of prayers in this book-

Lewis Howes 33:24 Yeah

Gabrielle Bernstein 33:24 ... um, which I, which I'm so proud of. You know, I think that, like, one of my special skills is, like, prayer giver. Like, I just like to give prayer.

Lewis Howes 33:30 Mm.

Gabrielle Bernstein 33:31 And I love to, like, channel prayers.

Lewis Howes 33:33 Mm.

Gabrielle Bernstein 33:33 Just like, it's just, like, one of my favorite things to do. So-

Lewis Howes 33:35 And what's one you're channeling right now?

Gabrielle Bernstein 33:37 Uh, I mean, all throughout the book, there's tons of prayers on surrender.

Lewis Howes 33:40 Mm.

Gabrielle Bernstein 33:41 And so that's probably the one that I'm living in right now is, you know, thank you universe for taking this from me, helping me see this with love. Something very simple, right?

Lewis Howes 33:49 Mm.

Gabrielle Bernstein 33:49 Or-

Lewis Howes 33:49 And you just say that over in your mind, or you say it out loud, or-

Gabrielle Bernstein 33:51 In my mind. If I'm with someone that's, that's highly level, highly spiritual that wants to go there, I'll say it out loud. [laughs]

Lewis Howes 33:58 Right. Right.

Gabrielle Bernstein 33:59 Um, but just being in that conscious communication and being in connection spiritually mean it is a conversation. It's constantly-

Lewis Howes 34:09 Mm

Gabrielle Bernstein 34:09 ... bridging your lower vibe self-

Lewis Howes 34:11 Right

Gabrielle Bernstein 34:11 ... to your higher self-

Lewis Howes 34:12 Right

Gabrielle Bernstein 34:12 ... through prayer.

Lewis Howes 34:15 How does the universe have people's back when they feel like they never have a break, and they're-

Gabrielle Bernstein 34:20 Mm

Lewis Howes 34:20 ... you know, people in Syria, I just watched a documentary on Syria about-

Gabrielle Bernstein 34:23 Mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 34:23 ... there's just bombings every single day-

Gabrielle Bernstein 34:25 Mm-hmm. Good question

Lewis Howes 34:26 ... of just helpless people that are just trying to live life, have nothing to do with what, what's happening.

Gabrielle Bernstein 34:32 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 34:33 For people that just feel like, "I never get a break. I never get a break. The universe does not have my back"-

Gabrielle Bernstein 34:38 Mm

Lewis Howes 34:38 ... how are they supposed to believe or feel that it does?

Gabrielle Bernstein 34:41 Well, in those situations, that's when we need faith most, because otherwise, what are you living for?

Lewis Howes 34:46 Mm-hmm.

Gabrielle Bernstein 34:46 Right? And it's a beautiful question because it's very easy for us to sit here in, like, your Los Angeles apartment-

Lewis Howes 34:53 It's all perfect. Yeah. I mean, this view and, yeah [laughs]

Gabrielle Bernstein 34:54 ... best-selling books and be like, "The universe totally has my back."

Lewis Howes 34:57 Yeah. [laughs]

Gabrielle Bernstein 34:58 Um, but you know, looking at this, refugees and-

Lewis Howes 35:01 Mm-hmm

Gabrielle Bernstein 35:01 ... and looking at the bombings and looking at, at what's happening, you know, in the world that, that is-

Lewis Howes 35:06 Right

Gabrielle Bernstein 35:06 ... that is devastation.

Lewis Howes 35:08 Or even just single moms of three who are like-

Gabrielle Bernstein 35:10 Devastation. Yeah

Lewis Howes 35:11 ... "I have no," you know, "I can't keep the-

Gabrielle Bernstein 35:12 Yeah

Lewis Howes 35:12 ... job. I have no time. I'm stressed."

Gabrielle Bernstein 35:14 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 35:14 "I'm just, like, overwhelmed."

Gabrielle Bernstein 35:15 S- so the, so the, the answer in that is that we all, while some of our problems are far worse than others, at the root, we all have the same problem, which is choosing to lean into the fear.

Lewis Howes 35:26 Mm.

Gabrielle Bernstein 35:27 Choosing to believe in the fear. Now, I wanna be very clear. I don't wanna offend anybody, so I don't wanna take away anything from the people who are suffering versus the people who are thriving in, in first-world countries, right?

Lewis Howes 35:36 Mm-hmm.

Gabrielle Bernstein 35:36 So the, the, let's not take anything away from the, the, the real suffering in this world.

Lewis Howes 35:40 Yeah.

Gabrielle Bernstein 35:40 But from a spiritual perspective, there's, there's one problem, which is believing in the fear, and the more we believe in the fear, the more, the more, you know, that becomes an epidemic, and that epidemic becomes a war, becomes all the division that we see in the world. It becomes racial injustice. It becomes-

Lewis Howes 35:55 Right.

Gabrielle Bernstein 35:55 And that's, you know, the root cause of all of the problems in this world are based on our belief in fear. And so those people that are suffering and stuck in these very, very difficult situations, the ones that will thrive, and I write about many of them in the book, you know, Leymah Gbowee, and I write about, um, you know, uh, Viktor Frankl.

Lewis Howes 36:11 Yeah.

Gabrielle Bernstein 36:11 And I, I write about the, you know, the, the people who in the midst of the darkest moments- Chose to see the light

Lewis Howes 36:19 Yeah

Gabrielle Bernstein 36:20 Chose to see with love. Chose to lean into love, and chose to lean into faith. And because of that faith, created movements. Gandhi, right? Created movements. And so because we have these divine powers of example, it's very easy for us to lean on them-

Lewis Howes 36:37 Yeah

Gabrielle Bernstein 36:37 ... you know, and say it's, it's, it's that, that many people are, are given a, um, a, a tremendous of ... A, a tremendous amount of, of difficulty that will be far worse than the average person.

Lewis Howes 36:50 Right. Right.

Gabrielle Bernstein 36:51 But in the same breath, what are you gonna do with it? Um, it's a lot to ask of somebody-

Lewis Howes 36:55 Yeah

Gabrielle Bernstein 36:55 ... who's, who's, who's lost their home and doesn't have ... You know, how, how do you find love in those situations? But at the root of it all, it is a choice. It is a mental decision. And so there probably, um, we sh- we should keep our eyes out for the, um, for the miracles that we hear from the refugees, right? So, like, people that, you know, through prayer and faith can f- have, you know, found, maybe found their way into a home that was exactly as it needed to be or, you know. There, there, there are m- miraculous-

Lewis Howes 37:21 Mm-hmm

Gabrielle Bernstein 37:21 ... stories. Um, but I mean, at, in the same breath, it's also, um, what I think is most important is for those of us who are in first world countries that don't have these problems, right? Or, or people who are not suffering from, from war, you know, war or violence or bombing. It's really our responsibility to show up.

Lewis Howes 37:38 Yeah.

Gabrielle Bernstein 37:39 Show up in the greatest way that we can in honor of those who don't have the, the support and, and the resources that we have.

Lewis Howes 37:46 Yeah. [sighs] I'm curious about, you know, it's, it's kind of a contradir- contradictory thought to think that when I'm not in control, when I, when I let go, that I actually create more freedom and more certainty by letting go. How, how is that possible?

Gabrielle Bernstein 38:05 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 38:05 That when we let go and we're not in control, we actually have freedom-

Gabrielle Bernstein 38:08 Yeah

Lewis Howes 38:08 ... and more certainty. Are you feeling that and experiencing that?

Gabrielle Bernstein 38:11 I'm living that right now.

Lewis Howes 38:12 Mm.

Gabrielle Bernstein 38:12 I'm really living that right now. Like, you said, like, this is my fifth book, and this launch is the biggest book launch I've ever had. I've had the-

Lewis Howes 38:19 Yeah, you're everywhere

Gabrielle Bernstein 38:20 ... quadrupled my pre-orders and all these things. And I've been the most relaxed, the most faithful, the most receptive, the most aligned, the most, you know, um, forgiving [laughs] when shit went wrong.

Lewis Howes 38:33 Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Gabrielle Bernstein 38:33 Um, the most willing to, like, heal throughout the process 'cause it brings up stuff, you know?

Lewis Howes 38:38 Mm-hmm.

Gabrielle Bernstein 38:39 And the most willing to let people help me-

Lewis Howes 38:41 Yeah

Gabrielle Bernstein 38:41 ... and let the universe help me. And so I, I can say that with conviction that, that you can speed up by slowing down, and that ... And really, so what it is is that resistance is what blocks us from receiving support and guidance. Resistance comes from the belief systems and fear-based thoughts that keep us negative and in-

Lewis Howes 39:00 Yeah

Gabrielle Bernstein 39:00 ... these low, low vibe energy. It's in the absence of resistance that we start to feel supported. So when we can shed the patterns and belief systems and energy and, and, and start to s- to truly breathe and truly, and truly believe-

Lewis Howes 39:19 Mm

Gabrielle Bernstein 39:19 ... believe, believe, believe, that's when we can allow ourselves to tr- to genuinely receive-

Lewis Howes 39:25 Yeah

Gabrielle Bernstein 39:25 ... the support that we need and that we long for.

Lewis Howes 39:27 Mm. Mm. What is something, uh, you're extremely proud of that most people don't know about? 'Cause your life is very public. You've got a lot out there. You're speaking about a lot of things-

Gabrielle Bernstein 39:37 Yeah

Lewis Howes 39:37 ... in the press and the media, but is there something we don't know that you're extremely proud of?

Gabrielle Bernstein 39:41 Um-

Lewis Howes 39:42 Or that most people don't know?

Gabrielle Bernstein 39:45 I am proud of my willingness to heal. I am not an avoider. I see that there's something up, and I show up. [laughs] And even last night, when I was in so much resistance to wanting to get to the deeper level of this healing with Sheila Kelly, I was still willing.

Lewis Howes 40:02 Mm.

Gabrielle Bernstein 40:03 You know? So I'm proud of that willingness-

Lewis Howes 40:05 Mm. Mm

Gabrielle Bernstein 40:05 ... even when it's scary.

Lewis Howes 40:06 Right. And what's the role of love in overcoming fear?

Gabrielle Bernstein 40:13 So ro- the ... So love is the antidote. Love is, love is the opposite. And-

Lewis Howes 40:20 Mm

Gabrielle Bernstein 40:20 ... love, love f- not from a romantic love conversation, but love being the energy and ever-present essence of love that is within us and around us, and it's the truth of who we are. And so when we start to reprogram our thinking and reorganize our belief systems and change our energy, we return to love-

Lewis Howes 40:37 Mm. Mm. Mm

Gabrielle Bernstein 40:37 ... as Marianne Williamson would say. We return to love.

Lewis Howes 40:39 That's the title of her book. Yeah.

Gabrielle Bernstein 40:40 It is. It's her most famous book.

Lewis Howes 40:42 Mm.

Gabrielle Bernstein 40:42 We return to love, and, and, and, and that, that remembrance ... I mean, really, I believe that a spiritual journey truly is unlearning fear and remembering love.

Lewis Howes 40:54 Yeah. What do you feel, now that you've started opening up about your trauma, what do you feel your purpose is?

Gabrielle Bernstein 41:00 Yeah. Um, my purpose is, hasn't changed, actually. It's to crack people open to a spiritual relationship of their own understanding so that they can find freedom and peace and healing.

Lewis Howes 41:11 Mm. And your biggest teacher's been Marianne?

Gabrielle Bernstein 41:15 She, she's been one of my biggest teachers. Um, Deepak Chopra's a-

Lewis Howes 41:18 Yeah

Gabrielle Bernstein 41:18 ... dear teacher and friend. Um, and, and really my, my, my, probably my most cherished teacher is Dr. Wayne Dyer.

Lewis Howes 41:23 Mm.

Gabrielle Bernstein 41:23 And I don't say was, I say is-

Lewis Howes 41:25 Mm

Gabrielle Bernstein 41:25 ... because I ta- There's a whole chapter in the book about how I channeled, I've been channeling Wayne. And um, you know, one of the things I don't talk about, here's another thing I don't talk about, unapologetically owning my mediumship.

Lewis Howes 41:35 Mm.

Gabrielle Bernstein 41:35 So I've, I can ch- You know, I c- We all are mediums, I believe. Um, but it's just sort of how do we fine-tune that skill, like we would anything, right?

Lewis Howes 41:42 Yeah, yeah.

Gabrielle Bernstein 41:42 Like playing the piano.

Lewis Howes 41:43 Right.

Gabrielle Bernstein 41:43 And so, um, the more free I've become, the more my, my connection has deepened. You know, I'll be on stage, and all of a sudden I'll hear someone's grandmother tell them something. Shit, I gotta tell her this, but I don't know how to tell her.

Lewis Howes 41:53 Wow.

Gabrielle Bernstein 41:53 You know, so, um, I've been channeling Wayne, and he's been a really clean, clear voice, and he wants everyone to know that anyone who ... He'll come to anyone that needs him, like any angel or spirit or guide. But, um, and this may be heady for some of your listeners-

Lewis Howes 42:07 Mm

Gabrielle Bernstein 42:07 ... but, you know, take it or leave it.

Lewis Howes 42:08 Sure.

Gabrielle Bernstein 42:08 Um, but that, that he comes, he's, he's really wants to support people who are in the commitment to being a voice for the light. And so I've been- Hearing him come through. And there's been tremendous, like, these, like, synchronistic experiences of I was getting messages for his daughters. And-

Lewis Howes 42:26 Hmm

Gabrielle Bernstein 42:27 ... like, through a series of events was, like, there was another medium who, like, called me and said, "Wayne wants you to know that it is him," and, like, you know, that you are-

Lewis Howes 42:34 Wow.

Gabrielle Bernstein 42:35 And then, like, you know, getting on the phone-

Lewis Howes 42:36 That's cool

Gabrielle Bernstein 42:36 ... to his daughters and, like, giving them the message, and they're like, "What, how could you know any of this?" You know? So I had, I've give- been, he's given me proof that he's with me. And, and so he, he, I say he is my most transformational-

Lewis Howes 42:46 Mm

Gabrielle Bernstein 42:46 ... teacher because the way, the embodiment of his faith is what I want in my life.

Lewis Howes 42:51 Yeah.

Gabrielle Bernstein 42:51 And it's what I strive for.

Lewis Howes 42:53 Yeah, I never got to meet him, but, uh-

Gabrielle Bernstein 42:55 He would've loved this podcast.

Lewis Howes 42:56 Yeah, it would've been fun.

Gabrielle Bernstein 42:56 Well, he's here now.

Lewis Howes 42:57 Sure, sure. Well, The Power of Intention, that was his book, right?

Gabrielle Bernstein 43:00 He has so many.

Lewis Howes 43:01 I think The Power of Intention-

Gabrielle Bernstein 43:02 Yeah

Lewis Howes 43:02 ... was the book when I first discovered him was probably 15 years ago f- 13, 15 years ago. I remember I was 21, 22, something like that. I remember I was like, "Wow, this is really powerful information," just the intention we have, the things we want, the way we wanna be.

Gabrielle Bernstein 43:17 Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 43:17 And, uh, I fell in love with the guy at that moment, so.

Gabrielle Bernstein 43:20 He's just profound. And-

Lewis Howes 43:22 That's cool

Gabrielle Bernstein 43:22 ... and he's even more connected now.

Lewis Howes 43:24 Mm.

Gabrielle Bernstein 43:24 You know, he's doing such great, bigger work now.

Lewis Howes 43:26 Mm.

Gabrielle Bernstein 43:26 And I think that's why he left his body now because he's like, "I got more to do and I have to do it in this way."

Lewis Howes 43:30 Sure. Interesting.

Gabrielle Bernstein 43:31 And, uh, so it, there was a chapter in the book that I write about him, but then at the end of the chapter, I share about how towards the end of writing that chapter, he, I felt him standing over my desk, like this huge, tall presence looking down at me. I just stopped in my tracks and just was moved to tears because I just knew.

Lewis Howes 43:47 Mm.

Gabrielle Bernstein 43:47 I know, I'm like, "You're here."

Lewis Howes 43:49 Wow.

Gabrielle Bernstein 43:49 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 43:49 That's cool.

Gabrielle Bernstein 43:50 It is.

Lewis Howes 43:51 What are you most grateful for recently in your life?

Gabrielle Bernstein 43:54 Reconnecting to my mediumship, like accepting my mediumship and, and, and re- and recommitting to that, to being a channel.

Lewis Howes 44:00 Yeah.

Gabrielle Bernstein 44:00 And just accepting it, you know? Just, just, like, I don't talk about this publicly because it's not really something that I would even really wanna talk about publicly because-

Lewis Howes 44:09 Mm

Gabrielle Bernstein 44:09 ... it's like, it's like any skill or gift, it's like you wouldn't go bragging about it.

Lewis Howes 44:14 Sure.

Gabrielle Bernstein 44:14 It weakens it, you know?

Lewis Howes 44:15 Yeah, yeah.

Gabrielle Bernstein 44:15 But, but it's something I'm proud of that I can have that connection now.

Lewis Howes 44:19 That's cool.

Gabrielle Bernstein 44:20 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 44:20 Very cool. How does that work? I mean, I'm always fascinated-

Gabrielle Bernstein 44:22 So-

Lewis Howes 44:22 ... by this. Like, do you just channel at a moment? So do you have to go into a place-

Gabrielle Bernstein 44:26 Yeah

Lewis Howes 44:26 ... personally or just-

Gabrielle Bernstein 44:28 You have to go into a place. I mean-

Lewis Howes 44:29 You have to be ready for it. You're like-

Gabrielle Bernstein 44:30 You, you can, you can channel, like ... Okay, so look, there's plenty of people that are not, like, f- f- fully healed that are mediums, that are tremendous mediums, you know? So, so it's kind of like any skill. Like, some people could wake up in the morning and they're like-

Lewis Howes 44:42 Mm-hmm

Gabrielle Bernstein 44:42 ... amazing at the piano and-

Lewis Howes 44:43 Yeah, yeah

Gabrielle Bernstein 44:44 ... you know. It's, there's different scales of-

Lewis Howes 44:45 Do they see it?

Gabrielle Bernstein 44:45 ... how clear are you and, and, and it, you could be born with it.

Lewis Howes 44:48 Mm.

Gabrielle Bernstein 44:48 Like, that this is a very innate skill that is, is, is, uh, tapped in. And, and, and for me, it was always sort of present in my life. Um, but you know, everyone is a medium, like the way anyone can pick up and, you know, write a book if they wanted to, right? Even if m- I don't have any-

Lewis Howes 45:02 Mm-hmm

Gabrielle Bernstein 45:02 ... literary background and I've written-

Lewis Howes 45:04 Right

Gabrielle Bernstein 45:04 ... five books, right?

Lewis Howes 45:04 Me either, yeah.

Gabrielle Bernstein 45:05 So you figure it out. But it's the same thing with, with mediumship. It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a practice and it's something that you've, that you channel and funnel. And so what I would recommend if someone's like, "Oh, this sounds interesting," there's actually a lot of meditations in this book. And following those meditations, I suggest a lot of free writing. And so letting your pen flow, letting yourself just be in a surrendered state, but tuning in first through meditation and prayer-

Lewis Howes 45:29 Yeah

Gabrielle Bernstein 45:29 ... and cen- and centering your energy and aligning your energy with source energy, with, with, with s- you almost feel like your body begins to vibrate when you meditate or-

Lewis Howes 45:37 Mm-hmm

Gabrielle Bernstein 45:37 ... maybe you felt that kind of peace come over you in a meditation practice or through a prayer. And then in that space, just write.

Lewis Howes 45:45 Mm.

Gabrielle Bernstein 45:45 Now, I channel the most when I'm speaking publicly. I just really step back and allow. And that's when a lot of times when I'm taking a Q&A, I'll hear things. And the other night I just heard this woman, I was like, "Your mother really wants you to forgive her." [laughs] Like, "Let's just accept it," you know?

Lewis Howes 45:57 Mm-hmm.

Gabrielle Bernstein 45:57 And, and I started saying things to her and she's like, "How would you know that?" later. And I was like, "'Cause she was telling me."

Lewis Howes 46:02 Mm.

Gabrielle Bernstein 46:02 You know? And so just getting out of the way is really the key to being a channel.

Lewis Howes 46:06 That's cool.

Gabrielle Bernstein 46:07 But it's not just listening to spirits or guides. It's also just letting, letting ... You, you channeled your book, whether you-

Lewis Howes 46:12 Yeah

Gabrielle Bernstein 46:12 ... realize it or not.

Lewis Howes 46:13 Yeah.

Gabrielle Bernstein 46:13 You just let that come through you.

Lewis Howes 46:14 Absolutely.

Gabrielle Bernstein 46:15 You channel right now. This work is all just letting intuition move through you.

Lewis Howes 46:19 Mm-hmm. For the women listening who think, you know, Gabby's incredible, she's beautiful, she's got the husband, the books, the career, everything. I don't have that type of confidence. I don't have the type of self-love. I don't think I'm worthy enough of the things that she has or the things that s- they wanna create. How do they build more self-love, self-confidence, and worthiness in themselves?

Gabrielle Bernstein 46:42 Yeah. Well, I think the first part is a reframe, right? I think that a lot of times we're gonna look at people who have things that we want and say, "I'm not good enough." But my way of say, seeing folks like that is looking and saying, "The light that I see in them is a reflection of who I am, is a reflection-

Lewis Howes 46:57 Mm

Gabrielle Bernstein 46:57 ... of my light." And so even if you don't believe that yet, just s- act, you know, act as if.

Lewis Howes 47:02 Mm.

Gabrielle Bernstein 47:02 Say it out loud, that, that what I admire in someone is a reflection of what I am, of what I'm stepping into, of who, you know, of my true essence.

Lewis Howes 47:11 Mm-hmm.

Gabrielle Bernstein 47:12 Not necessarily of what I want to be or long to be. You already are. And-

Lewis Howes 47:16 Right

Gabrielle Bernstein 47:16 ... and then also, you know, getting out of judgment and separation, because one of the biggest things that holds women back from stepping into their authentic power is judging and separating, seeing themselves as less than or judging people for having something that they want.

Lewis Howes 47:28 Why do they do that?

Gabrielle Bernstein 47:29 Um, well, this is a whole body of work that you know I'm gonna be writing about for my next book-

Lewis Howes 47:32 Sure, sure

Gabrielle Bernstein 47:33 ... is judgment. And judgment is, uh, a, a disowned part of our shadow. We use judgment to avoid having to face what we don't wanna see in ourselves, and it's an addiction.

Lewis Howes 47:44 Mm. Judging others.

Gabrielle Bernstein 47:46 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 47:47 Yeah.

Gabrielle Bernstein 47:47 And judging ourselves.

Lewis Howes 47:48 Oh, that's the biggest probably.

Gabrielle Bernstein 47:49 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 47:50 Wow.

Gabrielle Bernstein 47:51 Big time.

Lewis Howes 47:52 Yeah, it's funny. You know, there's lots of people that judge others online. They leave comments, a lot of negative comments. And I feel like as creators, it's hard to judge and create at the same t- the same time. Just like it's hard to be in fear and in love at the same time.

Gabrielle Bernstein 48:03 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 48:05 You know, when you're creating, you're not judging other people.

Gabrielle Bernstein 48:07 No. No, you're-

Lewis Howes 48:09 'Cause you're focused on creation.

Gabrielle Bernstein 48:10 You're right.

Lewis Howes 48:11 And you're not, you don't wanna bring others down when you're creating 'cause you know how hard it is to create.

Gabrielle Bernstein 48:15 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 48:15 And so I think when, uh, the people that are judging, if they just start creating something, they'll stop judging.

Gabrielle Bernstein 48:21 Yes.

Lewis Howes 48:21 And mostly they're not doing anything.

Gabrielle Bernstein 48:23 Ooh, that's a good tip for my book. Thank you.

Lewis Howes 48:25 You're welcome.

Gabrielle Bernstein 48:25 Get into creation and you'll be out of judgment.

Lewis Howes 48:27 That's it.

Gabrielle Bernstein 48:28 Yeah. No, it's beautiful.

Lewis Howes 48:28 If you're just sitting back and watching everything-

Gabrielle Bernstein 48:30 Yeah

Lewis Howes 48:30 ... you're just gonna be analyzing, analyzing-

Gabrielle Bernstein 48:32 Yeah

Lewis Howes 48:32 ... judging.

Gabrielle Bernstein 48:33 Yeah, 'cause you're seeing what you're not doing.

Lewis Howes 48:34 And they go, "I'm not doing anything."

Gabrielle Bernstein 48:35 But get into the doing.

Lewis Howes 48:36 That's it.

Gabrielle Bernstein 48:36 And you clear judgment.

Lewis Howes 48:37 Yeah.

Gabrielle Bernstein 48:37 Oh, this is another chapter in the book.

Lewis Howes 48:39 Be loving and then do something.

Gabrielle Bernstein 48:41 Yes.

Lewis Howes 48:41 And then you can have. Yeah, yeah. Be, do, have.

Gabrielle Bernstein 48:44 So good.

Lewis Howes 48:44 That's it. Um, this is a question I ask towards the end. It's called the three truths. Now, many, many years from now, it's your last day, and for some reason all of your books and videos and interviews have been erased from time, and you're about to have your last moment. Everyone's there. You've said goodbye to everyone, and they give you... They say, "We don't have anything to remember of you, but here's a piece of paper and a pen to write down three truths, the three things you know to be true about everything you've experienced in life that you would pass on to us, the lessons you would pass on to us."

Gabrielle Bernstein 49:16 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 49:17 What would you say are your three truths?

Gabrielle Bernstein 49:20 There is an ever-present energy of love that is supporting you and around you, number one. There is, with conviction. This is a, a, a lesson from Yogi Bhajan, but understand through compassion. You know, compassion will remind you of who you are and will help you forgive whatever it is that you thought you knew. And the final one is very simple. It's, it's choose love, 'cause that's what this whole gig is about.

Lewis Howes 49:52 Mm-hmm.

Gabrielle Bernstein 49:53 It's the more that we choose love, the more we let go of what we thought we needed-

Lewis Howes 49:58 Right

Gabrielle Bernstein 49:58 ... and we let, we, we allow-

Lewis Howes 50:00 Yeah

Gabrielle Bernstein 50:00 ... what we really need to come in.

Lewis Howes 50:01 Yeah. I love that one. Those are great. If you had to get a, a tattoo on your forehead that was in reverse so that only when you looked in the mirror you could see it, and every time you look in the mirror you see one word-

Gabrielle Bernstein 50:15 Yeah

Lewis Howes 50:15 ... or message.

Gabrielle Bernstein 50:17 I am love.

Lewis Howes 50:18 I am love.

Gabrielle Bernstein 50:19 That'd be a good one to see every day.

Lewis Howes 50:21 I like that.

Gabrielle Bernstein 50:21 It's a good reminder.

Lewis Howes 50:22 That's good. That's good. W- is there a question that no one's ever asked you that you wish they would?

Gabrielle Bernstein 50:31 Ooh, these are so good. Uh, let's see. Um, you know, maybe something like what are your special skills? Like, what do, what do you do that are, that's unique about you?

Lewis Howes 50:43 Okay.

Gabrielle Bernstein 50:44 Um-

Lewis Howes 50:44 Besides mediumship, what are your special skills?

Gabrielle Bernstein 50:46 Yeah, um, I ride a unicycle.

Lewis Howes 50:48 A unicycle?

Gabrielle Bernstein 50:49 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 50:49 What?

Gabrielle Bernstein 50:49 I can ride a unicycle. My, a circus, circus-

Lewis Howes 50:51 For more than, like, a couple seconds?

Gabrielle Bernstein 50:53 Yes, yes.

Lewis Howes 50:53 No way.

Gabrielle Bernstein 50:53 Absolutely.

Lewis Howes 50:54 I've never seen a video of this or anything.

Gabrielle Bernstein 50:55 I have. I have video footage, yeah.

Lewis Howes 50:57 Oh, I have to see this.

Gabrielle Bernstein 50:57 In my first book there's photos.

Lewis Howes 50:59 What?

Gabrielle Bernstein 50:59 Yeah. No, I'm serious.

Lewis Howes 51:00 Uh, I think I remember now. The I and You book?

Gabrielle Bernstein 51:02 Yeah. [laughs]

Lewis Howes 51:02 Yeah, I remember that now, yeah.

Gabrielle Bernstein 51:03 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 51:04 That's funny.

Gabrielle Bernstein 51:04 [laughs] It is kind of funny. Um, I-

Lewis Howes 51:08 How'd you learn that?

Gabrielle Bernstein 51:09 I was in a circus arts school when I was younger. [laughs]

Lewis Howes 51:11 Shut up. That's amazing.

Gabrielle Bernstein 51:13 One day I'll, like, rock out onto the stage on a unicycle.

Lewis Howes 51:16 That's amazing.

Gabrielle Bernstein 51:16 Yeah, it's a special skill.

Lewis Howes 51:17 Okay.

Gabrielle Bernstein 51:18 It's like riding a bike. You can just pick it up and go.

Lewis Howes 51:19 Sure, sure.

Gabrielle Bernstein 51:20 Um-

Lewis Howes 51:21 What else?

Gabrielle Bernstein 51:21 I, I am, like, passionate about cooking.

Lewis Howes 51:25 Mm.

Gabrielle Bernstein 51:25 Like, so, so, so passionate about cooking. I- it's one of my meditations.

Lewis Howes 51:29 Mm.

Gabrielle Bernstein 51:30 I think that cooking is an art and it's meditation, and it makes me so happy to cook a meal and to-

Lewis Howes 51:35 Mm

Gabrielle Bernstein 51:35 ... prepare a meal and serve-

Lewis Howes 51:36 Mm

Gabrielle Bernstein 51:36 ... a meal and eat the meal and, yeah.

Lewis Howes 51:38 That's cool. Before I ask the final question, I wanna acknowledge you for a moment, Gabby, for your incredible ability to shift and open up and transform your own energy, and for letting go, because I know how challenging it can be to hold onto something for so long.

Gabrielle Bernstein 51:55 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 51:55 30 years for you. And I really acknowledge you for stepping out of your comfort zone in a major way, shifting all of your relationships in the process, healing yourself, and being an incredible catalyst of love for so many people around the world for all the wor- the work that you do, so it's amazing. Yeah.

Gabrielle Bernstein 52:15 Thank you.

Lewis Howes 52:15 You're welcome.

Gabrielle Bernstein 52:16 Thank you.

Lewis Howes 52:17 The Universe Has Your Back: Transform Fear to Faith. Make sure you guys get this book ASAP. Share it with your friends. Share this out with your friends, for anyone you think could be, uh, it could be useful for. Um, connect with Gabby on social media. You're @Gab-

Gabrielle Bernstein 52:33 Gabby Bernstein

Lewis Howes 52:33 ... Gabby Bernstein everywhere. And also, uh, is there anything else you wanna say before I ask the final question?

Gabrielle Bernstein 52:40 I just wanna say thank you. I just think that you're such an amazing man, and I'm so proud of, of you, and I'm just proud to be your friend, and-

Lewis Howes 52:45 Appreciate it

Gabrielle Bernstein 52:46 ... like, I, I mean it. Like, when we, when we knew that w- I was gonna come on this podcast-

Lewis Howes 52:49 Mm-hmm

Gabrielle Bernstein 52:49 ... I told my PR, like, "This is the most important thing I'm gonna do."

Lewis Howes 52:52 [laughs]

Gabrielle Bernstein 52:52 And I don't just say that just 'cause of, like-

Lewis Howes 52:53 Sure

Gabrielle Bernstein 52:53 ... the reach, but because-

Lewis Howes 52:55 Mm

Gabrielle Bernstein 52:55 ... uh, y- and you said to me at the beginning, you were like, um, you know, w- uh, what, what is it that you're... Like, "What could make this the best podcast?"

Lewis Howes 53:02 Mm.

Gabrielle Bernstein 53:02 I was like, "It already is."

Lewis Howes 53:03 Mm.

Gabrielle Bernstein 53:04 Because the first time I interviewed with you I was just so moved by-

Lewis Howes 53:08 Mm

Gabrielle Bernstein 53:08 ... your talent in interviewing, and this one just is far, far beyond even the last one, so thank you.

Lewis Howes 53:14 Oh, I appreciate it.

Gabrielle Bernstein 53:15 I mean it. I really mean it.

Lewis Howes 53:15 I appreciate it. Thanks.

Gabrielle Bernstein 53:17 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 53:17 Okay. Well, the final question is what's your definition of greatness?

Gabrielle Bernstein 53:22 To stand in your authentic truth.

Lewis Howes 53:27 Gabby Bernstein. Thanks for coming on. Appreciate it.

Gabrielle Bernstein 53:29 Thanks, JD.

Lewis Howes 53:29 Appreciate it. Hey, guys. Thanks so much for watching this video. I really appreciate it. And if you enjoyed this video, then make sure to subscribe to my YouTube channel. You can do that by clicking right here to subscribe, 'cause each week we come out with awesome, epic, and inspiring interviews and messages and videos just for you. So click subscribe right here to get notified of new videos every week. Also, if you enjoyed this specific interview, we've got a lot of great interviews like this that are uplifting and inspiring. So click right here to watch the previous interviews, because the people I've had on are pretty cool and epic as well. So click here to watch previous interviews. Click here to subscribe. I love you guys, and I'll see you very soon.