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If You Want To BUILD SEXUAL DESIRE In A Relationship WATCH THIS! | Esther Perel & Lewis Howes

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Lewis HoweshostEsther PerelguestGreat Minds

Feb 3, 20161h 17mWatch on YouTube

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CHAPTERS

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Chapter summaries

Esther Perel's Parents and the Lessons of Decency
Lewis Howes welcomes Esther Perel and asks who influenced her most growing up. She names her father, an illiterate Holocaust survivor, whose view that decency matters more than brilliance or wealth has stayed with her.
- •Both her parents were sole survivors of their families after years in concentration camps
- •Her father held that decency matters more than brilliance or riches
- •A friend does more for the other than for themselves
- •She thinks of her father when she meets the entrepreneurial world's inflated selves
Dread, Impermanence, and a Big Life
Perel describes growing up with a sense that everything can vanish, a dread she still lives with as free-floating anxiety. She explains how being a miracle child left her wanting a life that is full and meaningful rather than small.
- •She grew up feeling nothing is permanent
- •She still has catastrophic thinking, especially when things go well
- •She acts counterphobic while holding a quiet inner dread
- •Her parents' history gave her a sense her life must be big, meaning full and rich, not famous
- •She links this to why she writes about eroticism
The Clinton Scandal and Americans' Views on Infidelity and Sex
Perel explains that she began writing about sexuality after the Clinton scandal. She contrasts American attitudes toward divorce, infidelity and sex education with those in Europe and elsewhere.
- •She had been a couples therapist for 30 years before writing about sex
- •The US was tolerant of multiple divorces but intransigent about infidelity
- •Americans cheat no less than the French, but feel more guilty
- •Infidelity has historically been a double standard favoring men
- •She links American taboos on sex education to higher rates of teen pregnancy and STDs
What Goes Wrong: Indifference, Neglect, Violence and Contempt
Asked what ends relationships, Perel names indifference, neglect, violence and contempt, with contempt the worst. She adds that relationships with our parents shape the patterns we repeat with partners.
- •Indifference makes the other feel they no longer matter
- •Neglect means taking the partner for granted while tending cars, dogs and business
- •People speak worse to partners because they know the partner will stay
- •Contempt is the killer of them all
- •We repeat family patterns and often blame the partner to avoid shame
The Revolution in Sexuality and Desire
Perel traces how sex went from a marital duty for procreation to an expression of identity and pleasure in about 60 years. She calls the present a grand experiment: wanting playful, intimate sex with one person for a much longer lifespan.
- •Contraception, the women's movement and the gay movement transformed sexuality
- •Monogamy shifted from one person for life to one person at a time
- •Long-term sex now rests on desire alone
- •People expect one partner to provide both security and novelty
Sustaining Desire: Women's Desire, Confidence and Owning the Wanting
Asked how to keep desire alive, Perel says women's desire drops after marriage because long-term sex lacks seduction and romance. She argues desire means owning your own wanting, and that confidence and autonomy turn partners on while caretaking can dampen desire.
- •Women's desire plummets post-marriage, often because the sex available is not interesting
- •Seduction works like animal pacing: coming close, then pulling back
- •Asking 'I turn myself off by...' puts responsibility for desire on oneself
- •Confidence is the biggest turn-on
- •Desire is about wanting while love includes needing; caretaking is an anti-aphrodisiac
Balancing Love and Desire: Premeditated Sex and Emotional Risk
Perel says love and desire are calibrated like walking, shifting between caretaking and play. She advises making room for the erotic, taking emotional risks and staying curious.
- •Balance means moving between caretaking and playfulness
- •People give their best selves to colleagues and friends and their partner gets the leftovers
- •Committed sex is premeditated, since whatever just happens already has
- •Desire requires emotional risk, not just sexy risks
- •Curiosity means leaning forward rather than sitting back
Incentives for Thriving Relationships: Appreciation and Separate Space
Responding to the objection that this is a lot of work, Perel compares relationships to a business that would languish without attention. She lists practices such as thanking your partner, going beyond the minimum, giving space and not expecting one person to be your whole village.
- •Good couples create their own internal incentive system
- •Say please and thank you; expectations often breed resentment
- •Do more than the bare minimum, and give individual space
- •Admire the partner's otherness
- •Seek multiple sources of connection instead of one person for everything
The History of Marriage and the Four Pillars of Modern Love
Perel recounts how marriage moved from an economic arrangement to a romantic one rooted in intimacy, individualism and personal happiness. Trust, affection, intimacy and desire became the four pillars, and adultery, once a place for passion, now threatens marriage.
- •Marriage was an economic enterprise with arranged unions until roughly 50 to 60 years ago in the West
- •Romantic marriage is about 150 years old
- •Intimacy shifted from shared daily life to 'into me see'
- •Individualism makes the partner responsible for easing existential aloneness
- •She finds it exciting that people can rewrite their story and love again
Reinventing the Marriage: Check-ins and Couples Retreats
Asked about her own marriage of 30-plus years, Perel says she has had three marriages to the same man because they kept redefining themselves. She recommends regular commitment check-ins and says couples retreats are powerful, as in her work with entrepreneurs and their partners.
- •Most people will have two or three committed relationships; some do it with the same person
- •Principles like flexibility and reinvention apply to love as to companies
- •She suggests periodic commitment ceremonies or summits
- •Big topics are usually addressed in crisis rather than when calm
- •Group settings normalize problems and help partners hear each other
Rethinking Divorce, Family Reorganization and the LAT Model
Perel argues divorce should not be seen as failure, and that a long marriage that ends has still been a success. She describes divorce as a reorganization of the family, praises the emotional literacy of men raised by single mothers, and notes the rise of living apart together.
- •Take away the concept of failure; it is 'till love dies' for most couples
- •Conscious uncoupling means naming what you are thankful for
- •A divorce ends the couple, not the family
- •Many millennial men grew up with single mothers and developed emotional literacy
- •Living apart together is the fastest growing model for those over 55
Monogamy as the New Frontier
Perel argues monogamy has already been redefined, since people have multiple partners before marriage. She lays out the options of negotiated divorce, proclaimed monogamy with clandestine adultery, or consensual non-monogamy, and calls monogamy a practice and a choice.
- •Monogamy only became tied to love with romanticism
- •Premarital sex and small families were once inconceivable too
- •The options are serial monogamy, hidden adultery or transparent consensual non-monogamy
- •Monogamy is a practice, not our biological nature
- •The need for love and connection stays constant while forms change
Entitlement, Choice, and Choosing a Partner You Can Build a Life With
Perel says the era of self-fulfillment has made people feel entitled to happiness, and consumer thinking undermines commitment. She argues you choose a partner rather than find the best one, and that building a life requires shared values and giving rather than just a return on investment.
- •We don't have more desires than earlier generations, just more entitlement to fulfill them
- •You don't find a partner, you choose one, and FOMO undermines that
- •You can love many people but build a life with few
- •Shared values on money, independence, expressiveness and power matter
- •Relationships are about what you give as well as what you get
Closing Questions: Gratitude, Dating Advice, Three Truths and Greatness
In the closing questions Perel names what she is grateful for, advises daters to think about what they want to give rather than keeping a checklist, and shares what she would write as her three truths. She defines greatness as helping people leave with a different story and shares where to find her.
- •She is grateful that a medical scare turned out small and for crossing over to the mainstream
- •Dating advice: ask what you want to give, and remember you are not buying a product
- •Her truths involve connecting people, creating celebratory events, a long marriage and raising two sons
- •Greatness means irreverence and questioning accepted ideas, so people leave with a new story
- •She is releasing an online course called Rekindling Desire

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