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Lewis Howes"If You Want To CHANGE YOUR LIFE In 5 Seconds DO THIS!" | Mel Robbins & Lewis Howes
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Chapter summaries
Welcome and Mel's Winding Career Path
Lewis introduces Mel Robbins and her book The 5 Second Rule after some banter about the headset. Mel traces her career from public defender to law firm, tech, coaching, radio and CNN, and explains how law school taught her to distill complex information.
- •Mel began as a public defender in Manhattan doing violent felony defense for four years
- •Moving to Boston led to a law firm job she hated, then a switch into tech in 1999
- •She says law school's training in distilling complex information underlies her later careers
- •Mel warns that law means heavy debt and that business development matters even at large firms
- •She still works as a CNN analyst on ethics, relationships and business
Autopilot vs. Drive: How the Brain Handles Habits
Mel says she is a "how" speaker rather than a "what" or "why" speaker, then explains her two-mode model of the brain. Autopilot runs habits and thinking patterns, while drive uses the prefrontal cortex for new or difficult behavior.
- •Mel calls herself a "how" speaker, since information on what and why is already widely available
- •Autopilot is the basal ganglia executing habits, and Mel cites researchers saying half the day is spent on it
- •Worry, procrastination and self-doubt are habits, not identities
- •The prefrontal cortex is needed for learning new behavior, doing difficult things and strategic thinking
- •The 5 Second Rule manually switches the brain from autopilot to prefrontal cortex
You Can't Control Feelings, Only Thoughts and Actions
Mel and Lewis discuss why waiting to feel ready or motivated is a losing bet. Fear never fully goes away, but Mel says she has full control over what she thinks and does, and she shares her own history of panic attacks and medication.
- •You can't control how you feel or what triggers you, but you can control your thoughts and behavior
- •Mel says motivation is a losing bet because the body and brain aren't designed to wait for readiness
- •Lewis notes that bigger dreams bring more fear and uncertainty
- •Mel had panic attacks starting at 19, took Zoloft for two decades and had severe postpartum depression
- •Four years ago she went off Zoloft and used the rule to interrupt worry patterns
Rock Bottom: The Fox Show, Failed Restaurants and Debt
Mel tells the story of 2009, when a Fox show was reformatted into firing people on television and then shelved. At the same time, her husband's second restaurant failed, leaving them with large losses, liens and collections calls, and she describes the shame she felt.
- •A Fox makeover show became "Someone's Gotta Go", and Mel had a panic attack on learning the format
- •Legal tabled the show after two episodes, and she was stuck in a contract while unemployed
- •Her husband's second restaurant closed with close to an $800,000 loss, wiping out the home equity line and college savings
- •Mel describes collections calls, pulling her daughter from soccer and hiding at the grocery checkout
- •She began hitting the snooze button to avoid facing her problems
Why We Decide by Feeling: The Knowledge-Action Gap
Mel explains the knowledge-action gap using her own mornings, when she resolved at night to change but felt none of it on waking. She cites Damasio's research that 95% of decisions are made by feelings in the moment.
- •Mel did not feel confident on waking and felt like a failure as a parent
- •The knowledge-action gap is knowing what to do but being unable to make yourself do it
- •She cites neuroscientist Damasio to say 95% of decisions are made by how you feel
- •Changing your life happens one five-second decision at a time
- •Confidence and courage are built by becoming someone who acts
Discovering the Rule: The Rocket Launch Moment
Mel recounts how a rocket launch commercial inspired her to count down and launch out of bed. It worked, and she explains the five-second window, the hesitation habit and the neuroscience of why counting backward interrupts autopilot.
- •After seeing a rocket launch on a commercial, Mel counted five, four, three, two, one and got out of bed
- •There is a five-second window between an instinct and the brain killing it
- •Counting backward is an action that requires focus and isn't yet a habit
- •Hesitation triggers the spotlight effect, which magnifies what you hesitated to do
- •Mel says you should hesitate on big decisions but not on calls, speaking up or procrastination
From TED Talk to Global Movement
Mel describes how her life changed as she used the rule all day, and how her husband and she each went on to build businesses. She explains how a first-ever TEDx talk, with no science behind the rule, led to 100,000 messages from people in 90 countries, including a veteran who stepped back from a ferry railing.
- •Her husband opened seven more restaurants and Mel launched and sold two businesses and joined CNN
- •Her TEDx talk was her first speech ever, and she didn't yet know why the rule worked
- •More than 100,000 people in 90 countries have written to her about using it
- •She tells of a veteran with PTSD who used the rule to turn away from a ferry railing and seek help
- •Mel stresses the rule is a tool to use, not something to think about
Using the Rule in Sales and Hard Conversations
Mel describes the book, which took three years to write and contains the science and over 150 social media posts. She explains why the rule suits sales, cold calling, negotiations and difficult conversations.
- •The book took three years to write and includes more than 150 stories from around the world
- •Mel says you can't sell by thinking, since selling is about action
- •Sales teams put the countdown on their walls to keep momentum on cold calls
- •In negotiations, the rule helps you stop editing or silencing yourself
Inner Wisdom and Confidence as a Skill
In answer to Lewis's question about the area of biggest impact, Mel says the rule gave her mastery over herself and helped her marriage. She describes it as a way to tune into inner wisdom and argues that confidence is a skill built through action, defined as the willingness to try.
- •Mel says her marriage matters most to her and the rule has given her mastery over herself
- •The rule is also a tool for tuning into inner wisdom and instincts
- •Mel says people we admire listen to their inner wisdom and tune out the critic
- •Confidence is a skill rather than a personality trait, and is the willingness to try
- •Tuning out your inner voice through hesitation robs the world of your gift
Patience, Deliberate Practice and the Three Buckets of Work
Lewis asks where Mel still lacks courage, and she discusses social media comparison, practicing patience and deliberate practice. She then lays out her three buckets: skill development, delivering the work, and personal development, which she neglected last year.
- •Social media can become a way to bash yourself through comparison
- •Mel uses the rule for patience while pivoting her business to reduce travel
- •Deliberate practice means practicing with intention to improve and a feedback loop, as with learning scales on guitar
- •Her three buckets are skill practice, delivery of the work and personal development
- •She now pays attention to what depletes versus energizes her
Fulfillment, Lewis's Story and Mel's Marriage Shift
Lewis explains that mastering skills and executing never felt like enough until he worked on his own inner cup, including childhood trauma. Mel describes how her husband found himself running the home while her speaking career grew, and how each phase of life requires a different you.
- •Lewis says he was always driven to prove people wrong and it was never enough until he did inner work
- •Lewis shares a childhood that included sexual abuse, his brother's imprisonment, bullying and dyslexia
- •Mel's husband struggled for a year, then got sober, became a yoga instructor and started a men's retreat
- •Mel says she had put societal demands on him and that fear was behind her earlier stance
- •Lewis says success without fulfillment is a failure
The Mask of Masculinity and Outcome Thinking
Lewis discusses his upcoming book The Mask of Masculinity and his nervousness about it. He mentions his three-year relationship and his reasons for doing the show, and Mel says they are both outcome thinkers who aim to spread the idea that you can change your life in five seconds.
- •Lewis's book is about redefining what it means to be a man beyond what society imposes
- •Each chapter breaks down his own mistakes as a man
- •Lewis has used the five-second countdown himself in uncomfortable conversations in his relationship
- •Lewis says he does the show to learn from inspiring people
- •Mel says outcome thinkers give themselves mastery over how they behave
Three Truths, Book Resources and Definition of Greatness
Lewis asks his closing questions, and Mel gives her three truths: there is only one you, listen to your heart, and you can change your life in five seconds. Lewis shares where to get the book and Mel's free mentoring sessions, both express appreciation, and Mel defines greatness.
- •Mel's truths include that there will only ever be one you and to listen to your heart
- •She says to count five, four, three, two, one and go when you feel the instinct to act
- •The book is available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble and local bookstores, and Mel uses the hashtag 5 Second Rule
- •The back page of the book has a URL for 31 free mentoring sessions
- •Mel defines greatness as hearing your truth and speaking it no matter how your voice shakes
