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Lewis Howes"If You Want To IMPROVE Your Sex Life WATCH THIS!" | Emily Morse & Lewis Howes
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Chapter summaries
Communication as the Biggest Relationship Killer
Lewis asks what ruins a thriving sex life. Emily says the biggest culprit is not communicating, since couples assume the honeymoon phase will last and they never learned to talk about sex.
- •Failing to talk about sex and prioritize it is the top issue
- •Most people had little or inaccurate sex education and have no role models
- •The myth that needing to talk about sex means something is wrong
- •It is always uncomfortable, so teaching communication is central to her work
Timing, Tone, and Turf: How to Start the Conversation
Emily shares her three Ts for raising a dying sex life with a long-term partner. She covers a curious tone, a turf outside the bedroom, and timing that avoids being hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. She stresses it is an ongoing conversation.
- •Tone should be curious, light, and collaborative, not blaming
- •Talk outside the bedroom, such as on a walk or road trip, since arousal hormones alter memory
- •Use HALT: avoid hungry, angry, lonely, tired
- •Use I-statements and problem-solve together, such as scheduling sex
- •It's not a one-time conversation
Why Couples Stop Having Sex
Lewis asks about gender-specific reasons, and Emily says the reasons are the same across genders. She lists boredom, resentment, desire mismatch, stress, self-image, and hormones or medications. She advises ongoing talk, realistic expectations, and broadening sex beyond intercourse.
- •Reasons can't be split on gender lines; boredom and resentment affect both
- •There is always a higher-desire and a lower-desire partner
- •Stress, finances, self-esteem, hormones, childbirth, and medication all play roles
- •Simplify by continuing to talk and setting realistic expectations
- •The idea of a perfect, always-flowing sex life doesn't exist
Sexual DNA, Love Languages, and the Yes/No/Maybe List
Emily explains that sex is physical, psychological, and spiritual, and suggests couples share their most memorable sexual experiences to uncover their sexual DNA. The discussion moves to mismatched desires and love languages, and she describes her yes, no, maybe list.
- •Sex is physical, psychological, and spiritual
- •Writing down the three most memorable times reveals turn-ons
- •Partners often differ in desires, so couples must learn to bridge them
- •Take the love language quiz because we tend to give love the way we want to receive it
- •The yes/no/maybe list has about 80 options for finding alignment and negotiating
Early-Relationship Conversations and Fear of Bringing It Up
Lewis asks what conversation to have in the first months of dating. Emily mentions protection and testing, asking how important sex is to the other person, and gently educating a partner who thinks talking is a bad sign. She explains why people avoid the topic, including self-blame and fear of not being loved.
- •Talk about protection and testing before sex
- •Ask how important sex and pleasure are to your partner
- •Couples who communicate about sex are more satisfied
- •Women often blame themselves rather than asking their partner what's going on
- •Fear of being unlovable and shame keep people silent
Cheating, Monogamy, and Open Relationships
Lewis asks who cheats more, and Emily says it's about even. She discusses why people cheat and how some couples build consensual open relationships with strong communication and rules. The talk covers compersion, cuckolding, and whether to let go of a desire a partner rejects.
- •Cheating rates between men and women are roughly equal in her view
- •Monogamy works for many but not everyone
- •Healthy open relationships start from a solid foundation with rules and boundaries
- •Compersion means feeling pleasure at a partner's pleasure
- •Letting go of a desire may be fine when the relationship is rich
Why Sex Remains the Glue
Emily argues that couples who last still make sex happen, even when desire differs. She says couples who give it up eventually become roommates and that sexuality continues into later life, illustrated by her 77-year-old mother.
- •Long-term couples who thrive still have sex
- •Declaring that sex is no longer needed tends to catch up with couples
- •We are sexual beings throughout life
- •Her mother was inspired by the MasterClass to shave her legs
Craziest Calls: Throuples, Fetishes, and Wigs
Lewis asks for the craziest story from 15 years of calls. Emily recounts a woman's crush on her ex-husband's wife that became a throuple, then a caller whose husband has a haircutting fetish. She explains fetishes versus fantasies and the value of role play and wigs for variety.
- •Emily says nothing shocks her and callers feel safe sharing
- •Caller story of two ex-wives and a husband forming a throuple, with trauma bonding
- •A fetish is a requirement for arousal, unlike a fantasy or kink
- •Her wig suggestion and the makeup counter woman's advice to wear a wig
- •People crave variety, and role play can help channel insecurities
Struggling with Orgasm and Mindful Masturbation
Lewis asks about people struggling to orgasm. Emily says sex shouldn't be all about orgasm, lists many causes, and notes only 20% of women orgasm from penetration. She describes mindful masturbation as exploration without a goal, and mentions nipple and prostate orgasms.
- •Too much emphasis is placed on orgasm; causes include medication, stress, shame, and pain
- •Only 20% of women orgasm during penetration, and most need hands, mouths, or toys
- •Men may struggle due to testosterone, stress, or a tight masturbation grip
- •Mindful masturbation aims at curiosity and discovery rather than orgasm
- •Nipple and prostate orgasms are possible, and a sex act doesn't make someone gay
Premature and Delayed Ejaculation
Lewis asks which ejaculation issue is more common. Emily says premature is more common but delayed is rising. She recommends edging practice, pelvic floor work, and anxiety management, and she shares her own past experience with a partner.
- •Premature ejaculation, a minute or less, is more commonly heard
- •Delayed ejaculation is trickier because the cause is unclear
- •Edging on a 1-10 scale trains ejaculatory control
- •Kegels and pelvic floor strength may help
- •Shift attention to the partner and break the anxiety pattern
Emily's Personal Journey and Sex Education Failures
Lewis asks about her biggest personal challenge. Emily describes being dissatisfied early on and how her podcast began from curiosity. She learned to have multiple orgasms and to communicate, and she criticizes inadequate sex education in America.
- •She wasn't satisfied with sex and started the podcast out of curiosity, not expertise
- •She used to think sex was about pleasing her partner
- •She learned to communicate and not yuck anyone's yum
- •Only 17 states require sex education to be medically accurate
- •Teaching pleasure and consent would be a game-changer
Multiple Orgasms and the Clitoris
Lewis asks how women can move from one orgasm to multiple. Emily explains that clitoral anatomy, a shorter refractory period, breathing, toys, and giving yourself time all contribute. She emphasizes masturbation for learning one's body and empowering women.
- •The clitoris has 8,000 nerve endings and exists only for pleasure
- •Women generally have a shorter refractory period than men
- •After a first orgasm, play with nipples, labia, or toys and keep breathing
- •Don't check out after the first orgasm
- •Women rarely talk about masturbation, which is key to learning their bodies
Shame Around Masturbation and Talking to Kids About Sex
Lewis asks why religions and parents make masturbation taboo. Emily says religion is tied to control over women's bodies, while parents simply don't know. She points to Dutch sex ed and encourages parents to learn alongside their kids.
- •Religion ties into control of bodies and procreation
- •Parents avoid it because no one taught them
- •In the Netherlands, consent and sex ed begin around age five
- •Normalizing it makes it less scary
- •Parents can admit discomfort and learn together
What Men and Women Need to Understand About Each Other
Emily says men should know that she comes first, using the image of slow cookers and frying pans, while men need attention and enthusiasm from partners. She says to treat sex talk like any other topic, and to bring up sex gradually when dating, ideally the morning after rather than in bed.
- •Women often have responsive desire, so foreplay is often required
- •Men want to know their partner is into sex, initiating and participating
- •Men worry about penis size, but being a good lover matters more
- •Make sex part of regular conversation instead of waiting for a crisis
- •When dating, take baby steps and discuss sex the next morning, not right after
Resources, Three Truths, and Closing Reflections
Emily shares her show, MasterClass, free downloads, and ways to submit questions. Asked what people should ask more, she wishes they'd get curious about themselves. In the three truths she names figuring out your own stuff, mindfulness and meditation, and prioritizing pleasure, and she defines greatness.
- •Resources: Sex With Emily podcast, SiriusXM call-in show, MasterClass, and free guides at sexwithemily.com
- •She wishes people were more curious about themselves instead of blaming partners
- •Three lessons: wherever you go, there you are; mindfulness works; prioritize your pleasure
- •Healing ourselves sexually can heal other parts of life
- •Greatness means being kind, working hard, and giving more than you receive
