"If You Want To IMPROVE Your Sex Life WATCH THIS!" | Emily Morse & Lewis Howes

Dr. Emily Morse 0:00 Pleasure is your birthright

Lewis Howes 0:01 Mm

Dr. Emily Morse 0:01 and we all deserve to have pleasure. And we, we, we prioritize so many other things, work, family, home, and usually we put ourselves last. I believe that when we heal ourselves sexually, we will heal so many other parts of our life.

Lewis Howes 0:15 [upbeat music] I think you gotta have a dream. The School of Greatness. Really? [laughs] Yeah. Please welcome Lewis Howes. What's the, the number one thing that ruins relationships from keeping a thriving, desirable sex life?

Dr. Emily Morse 0:29 Mm.

Lewis Howes 0:29 What would you say that you hear all the time?

Dr. Emily Morse 0:30 The number one thing that keeps people from thriving in s- with their sexual relationship is communication. I, that is not to... If, if couples do not talk about sex, and they don't prioritize their sex life, and they just assume it's always gonna be how it was during the honeymoon phase, which is not realistic, it's gonna fall apart.

Lewis Howes 0:50 What if it's uncomfortable to talk about?

Dr. Emily Morse 0:51 Well, that's the point. It's always uncomfortable to ta- See, here's, here's why I will always, why I will always have a job, people are always gonna listen to the podcast-

Lewis Howes 0:58 [laughs]

Dr. Emily Morse 0:58 ... and call in with questions, is because it's not comfortable for anyone to talk about sex, because we, we don't have role models of people talking about sex. We had zero sex education. Most people I speak to after 15 years had n- and if they did, it was inaccurate. And we feel-

Lewis Howes 1:15 Mm

Dr. Emily Morse 1:15 ... we somehow, there's all these, there's all these things that we've learned about sex that are untru- untrue. And one of those is like, if you have to talk about sex, it means that there is a problem, and that's when you should just call it quits, 'cause we get attached to those early phases of the relationship.

Lewis Howes 1:29 Or it's just like this explosion, and fire-

Dr. Emily Morse 1:30 Yeah

Lewis Howes 1:30 ... connection, and-

Dr. Emily Morse 1:31 It should always be fireworks.

Lewis Howes 1:32 Mm.

Dr. Emily Morse 1:33 It's never always fireworks. That, so everything, and if we, if we don't talk about... And so yes, it's always uncomfortable, but that's why I always talk about... I mean, a lot of what I do is teach communication-

Lewis Howes 1:44 Mm

Dr. Emily Morse 1:44 ... around sex. I mean, yes, I can give you all the tips, and all the positions, and all the things. We could be here for 16 hours. But at the end of the day, how you even have that conversation, that's terrifying, and hard, and uncomfortable, and-

Lewis Howes 1:57 How does a, a woman who's been married for five plus years to their husband have the conversation when the sex life is dying or about to be dead?

Dr. Emily Morse 2:08 So how does the woman approach it?

Lewis Howes 2:10 Yes.

Dr. Emily Morse 2:10 Okay. So I'll tell you my three Ts: timing, tone, and turf.

Lewis Howes 2:14 Tone is everything-

Dr. Emily Morse 2:15 Tone is-

Lewis Howes 2:16 ... for men

Dr. Emily Morse 2:16 ... everything.

Lewis Howes 2:17 For women also

Dr. Emily Morse 2:17 No, for wa-

Lewis Howes 2:18 Yeah

Dr. Emily Morse 2:18 ... for everyone

Lewis Howes 2:18 Everything.

Dr. Emily Morse 2:19 Because here's the thing. Let's start with tone. "You never initiate sex. You never wanna have sex with me. How come you don't, you know, d- go down on me? Why don't you do all the..." And so the second anyone does that, whether it's a business, it's a business in the boardroom or the bedroom, you're gonna get a defensive reaction. So your tone has to be curious, and open, and light, and collaborative.

Lewis Howes 2:43 Mm.

Dr. Emily Morse 2:43 Like, you know, so our tone is, "Hey, I realize we, you know, we, we haven't talked about our, our, our intimate life, our sex lives lately, and I just, I realize we've never talked about it, babe. So let's just, you know, what are some things that have been working for you, whatnot?" And so that's part of it. I can circle back to the, I can, we can actually do a conversation. So that's the tone. The tone is never aggressive, hostile, blaming. Then you have the turf.

Lewis Howes 3:06 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Emily Morse 3:06 Now, this might surprise you, because most people think that you should talk about it-

Lewis Howes 3:11 In the bedroom

Dr. Emily Morse 3:11 ... when you're in the bedroom.

Lewis Howes 3:12 Yeah.

Dr. Emily Morse 3:12 They're like, "Well, I just had sex, and we're already in the bedroom." But the bedroom, I, I believe, is sleeping and sex, not to have deep conversations. But we usually think, "Well, I, if sex is in my mind right now, we should talk about it." Like, wait till it's removed so then you can actually have a productive conversation. Because most people I talk to, I say, they call in my show, they're like, "I've got this problem." I'm like, "Okay. Have you talked about it?" "Yeah, I did. I let her know that I wa-" "Where, where were you?" "In the, it was after sex, and..." They don't remember. Our minds are in an altered state. No. Like, because of the hormones-

Lewis Howes 3:45 Yeah

Dr. Emily Morse 3:45 ... and the chemicals that happen with arousal and orgasm.

Lewis Howes 3:48 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Emily Morse 3:48 So outside the bedroom in a place that, here's some tips for this. It's like you want to do it in a place where you are, um, maybe you're, you know, having dinner, or you're having a glass of wine.

Lewis Howes 3:58 Mm.

Dr. Emily Morse 3:58 You are, you are going... Here's the other thing. Since it's so awkward-

Lewis Howes 4:01 [laughs]

Dr. Emily Morse 4:01 ... do it when you're going for a walk. Because this way, this is a great cheat.

Lewis Howes 4:05 You're not staring at each other. You're looking for-

Dr. Emily Morse 4:06 Your eyes-

Lewis Howes 4:06 [laughs]

Dr. Emily Morse 4:06 Yeah. You're, you're not looking at each other. Or in the car on a road trip.

Lewis Howes 4:09 Mm.

Dr. Emily Morse 4:09 I won't even make you look in your partner's eyes at this moment. But then you can be like, "So babe, I realize we haven't talked about our sex life." Right? So that's timing, tone, turf. That's what I got, right? Did I hit them all?

Lewis Howes 4:20 Timing is-

Dr. Emily Morse 4:21 Oh, timing. No, I didn't, I missed timing.

Lewis Howes 4:22 That was turf. Yeah, yeah.

Dr. Emily Morse 4:23 I got excited. Timing is, here's an easy way to remember. Don't do it when you're HALT, hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. You are chilling. You're hanging out. You're in a really good space.

Lewis Howes 4:36 Mm.

Dr. Emily Morse 4:36 That's why being outside in nature, or you're going on a road trip, you're in a good place. You're having dinner. You're having a meal. The kids are sleeping. And I also wanna tell people, it is not a one-time conversation. You know, another one of the myths around sex is like, "Oh, I had the, I had the sex talk." Like it's a... No.

Lewis Howes 4:55 And now we all of a sudden understand. Yeah. [laughs]

Dr. Emily Morse 4:57 Nothing. We know nothing. So that might be your first conversation-

Lewis Howes 5:00 Mm

Dr. Emily Morse 5:00 ... is, "You know what I realize after these 10 years, five years we've been together? We haven't talked about it. And, and I, it's so, you know, as y- hope you can agree, it's, it's important. And I realize lately I feel, use the I f- I feel that we haven't made a lot of time for it. I'm not sure why. You know, I'm thinking. You know, I've been listening to you." I feel like, I'm like, always like, "Blame me. Say you were listening to this podcast. You know, I was listening to Sex With Emily, and she said maybe we should schedule sex." And I can get into that too, but like, "We should, or maybe we should just, you know, I don't wanna be the only one driving this. So tell me wa- what could be a great solution, or why do you think we're not having sex? I think it's because I've been, we've been real- I've been really tired. I'm overworked."

Lewis Howes 5:43 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Emily Morse 5:43 You know, "What, what do you think it is?" And then you can problem solve. "Well, what do you think we could do? We could schedule sex. We could plan things. We could..." You know, and then the challenge is a lot of things can come up from there. "Well, you haven't been listening to me," you know?

Lewis Howes 5:57 Mm.

Dr. Emily Morse 5:57 So it's, this is why it's not a one-time conversation.

Lewis Howes 6:00 Yeah.

Dr. Emily Morse 6:00 And then you say You go from there

Lewis Howes 6:03 What is the main reason that men stop having sex with their partner after a long period of time, and why is the main reason that women would, would want to stop having sex with their partner after a long period of time?

Dr. Emily Morse 6:16 You know what's interesting, Lewis, is that we always wanna split this by gender, and it would be so much easier if we could. Men do it 'cause of this, and women do it 'cause of this. And what I found out is that there is, there's ... You cannot divide this on gender lines.

Lewis Howes 6:29 Same thing in both?

Dr. Emily Morse 6:30 It ... Same exact-

Lewis Howes 6:31 Really?

Dr. Emily Morse 6:31 ... reasons. Yep. I mean-

Lewis Howes 6:32 So what are the ... What's the reason then?

Dr. Emily Morse 6:33 So the reasons are ... I mean, I could tell you that there's some male-skewing things.

Lewis Howes 6:37 Yeah

Dr. Emily Morse 6:37 For example, you know, some ... Maybe there is some truth to probably what you're thinking-

Lewis Howes 6:42 Mm-hmm

Dr. Emily Morse 6:42 ... is that, you know, men want variety or that it just gets to be sort of stale and it's not exciting anymore, but I hear that from women all the time.

Lewis Howes 6:51 Really?

Dr. Emily Morse 6:52 Yep.

Lewis Howes 6:52 Mm.

Dr. Emily Morse 6:53 Um, that they just sort of get bored with it. But s- typically, they, they stop having sex because it gets boring, and then resentments build, too. So usually there's an underlying, um, resentment. Something's happened where they've built up contempt. Well, and once you get to contempt-

Lewis Howes 7:09 It's hard

Dr. Emily Morse 7:09 ... that's a really hard place to come back from. But there is resentments. It's, um, maybe it's, you know, they, they thought because one time they told their partner they wanted to initiate more and their partner didn't, well, then they hold that against them. They use sex as a weapon. They withhold it from their partner. "I'm not gonna ... You know, we're not gonna have sex." So there's the, there's the resentments. There's the just you get bored 'cause you don't talk-

Lewis Howes 7:33 Yeah

Dr. Emily Morse 7:33 ... you don't mix it up and you don't do different things. Um, it's also because some of the top reasons why they're not having sex is lower ... You know, there's always a high-desire partner in every relationship and a lower-desire partner. So-

Lewis Howes 7:46 Someone who desires sex more

Dr. Emily Morse 7:48 ... sex more. There's always someone who wants more and someone who wants less, and unfortunately, those people never match up.

Lewis Howes 7:54 Really?

Dr. Emily Morse 7:54 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 7:55 So [laughs] what do you mean? Sometimes it's-

Dr. Emily Morse 7:56 I mean, that's why it's so hard. You can't just, like, say ge- I mean, there's a lot of different ... 'Cause there's always ... It could be hormone. Here's the thing. The ... Let me ... We'll go back to that.

Lewis Howes 8:02 So you're saying there's always someone who wants it more than someone else-

Dr. Emily Morse 8:04 Pretty much

Lewis Howes 8:04 ... and never at the same level.

Dr. Emily Morse 8:05 No, and it, that can switch. You're like, "I really wanted it, but then I got really stressed." So another reason why we don't want sex typically doesn't even have to do with our partner. It could be because we're really stressed out with work. What I hear a lot from men is when men are really so ... Like, I'll give you some gender things here.

Lewis Howes 8:19 Mm.

Dr. Emily Morse 8:19 When men are really stressed about money or finances, they're worried about, you know, work, it's like they've been, like, castrated honestly, because if you think about the masculine in many cases, I don't wanna be ... They're like, "Oh, I have to make a living."

Lewis Howes 8:31 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Emily Morse 8:31 "I have to be the man." And then if you are, you got laid off from work, you're, you don't know how you're gonna pay the mortgage, sex is the la- You are shut down. Sex could be the last thing on your mind.

Lewis Howes 8:40 You don't feel sexually charged.

Dr. Emily Morse 8:41 No.

Lewis Howes 8:41 You don't desire yourself-

Dr. Emily Morse 8:43 You, you-

Lewis Howes 8:43 ... all these things

Dr. Emily Morse 8:43 ... well, a lot of it has to do with the reason why ... And okay, so another reason why we don't want sex is 'cause we're not feeling good about ourselves.

Lewis Howes 8:50 Uh-huh.

Dr. Emily Morse 8:50 So if you look at it holistically, yeah, it could be about an emotional reason, a psychological. It could be physiological, biological, your hormones. You know, for women, our hormones change over time after childbirth.

Lewis Howes 9:02 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Emily Morse 9:02 Um, if you're on certain medications, that could also be a reason why we don't want sex. So it's, it ... Whenever I dig deeper, it's typically not even about your partner per se. There's just always so many factors. It's like saying, you know, when you ... Why are ... You know, "Do you feel healthy right now?" I mean, it's the same thing. Like-

Lewis Howes 9:21 Yeah

Dr. Emily Morse 9:21 ... "Oh, well, my exercise is great, but my diet isn't," or, "I'm really working out, but I'm not lifting weights," or you know? So it's like sex, it's like a, it's a puzzle that you have to look at all the elements. It's really hard.

Lewis Howes 9:33 How do we simplify it?

Dr. Emily Morse 9:34 Ah, well-

Lewis Howes 9:35 How do we just relax and allow the desire to flow for the rest of our life?

Dr. Emily Morse 9:39 I think that's a great question, and I think how we simplify it is we, we keep talking about it. We keep-

Lewis Howes 9:46 Mm

Dr. Emily Morse 9:46 ... checking up on it. We keep saying, "So where are we at now?" And you set realistic expectations. So I'll give you an example. Like, when a woman gives ... Let's talk ... I'm sure a lot of your listeners have, you know, children or they've gone-

Lewis Howes 9:55 Mm-hmm

Dr. Emily Morse 9:55 ... through this, or women in, in perimenopause or just hormonal things. So let's say you wanted sex, um, all the time before you got preg- and then you have a baby, and for many women, their desire doesn't come back. Now, they go, they go to the doctor. They come home from the hospital, and the doctor typically says, "Oh, you'll be fine. You can have sex in six weeks." So much of the medical system and how we treat women and women's health is so inaccurate.

Lewis Howes 10:20 Really?

Dr. Emily Morse 10:20 You come ... Six weeks, yeah, maybe you'll feel a little bit better physically, but your hormones are all over the place. You're exhausted. You just birthed a human out of your vagina.

Lewis Howes 10:30 [laughs]

Dr. Emily Morse 10:30 And you're supposed to get all sexy and slinky and, and want sex. It's just ... So that could be a thing, so then even setting expectations. So I think another important thing is you talk about it, but you also set expectations. Like, "Right now, babe, I am not, I'm not feeling it. Let's just say that I'm not gon- it's not gonna be as frequent." But also, people, the way we define sex is through intercourse, like PV sex. I'm talking about heterosexual couples. Penis goes into vagina. But sometimes we just miss intimacy with our partner.

Lewis Howes 11:00 Mm.

Dr. Emily Morse 11:00 So sometimes it could be, "Let's just, you know, let's cuddle. Like, I'll give you a back rub for 20 minutes, and you'll give me a back rub for 20 minutes, and then we'll see where it goes." Or we take sex off the table for a week, and we're like, we just sort of-

Lewis Howes 11:14 Mm

Dr. Emily Morse 11:14 ... do it like we did in high school. We kind of bring back that energy and that connection. So, um, it doesn't always flow, and I think the problem is it will never flow, just like your health-

Lewis Howes 11:25 Mm

Dr. Emily Morse 11:25 ... just like nutrition, your spiritual practice, your religious practice. It, it is the same exact thing. And so the, the bill of goods that we are sold that this perfect sex life looks a certain way, and it's you're always hot, you're always turned on, you're always wanna rip your partner's clothes off, doesn't exist anywhere for anybody on the planet, not even me, and I've been studying this for 15 years.

Lewis Howes 11:46 [laughs]

Dr. Emily Morse 11:47 And I started this because I was like, "I don't ever wanna be in a relationship where the sex g- ..." Like, it just seems horrible to be with someone that you don't wanna have sex with.

Lewis Howes 11:53 Yeah.

Dr. Emily Morse 11:53 And I thought, "How do I unpack? How do I figure that out?"

Lewis Howes 11:56 Yeah.

Dr. Emily Morse 11:56 And so now I know what to do when I'm in a relationship, but I still sometimes don't want it all the time, so let's just knock down that and let's just say to think that it's always gonna be in flow- And you're always gonna wanna have sex with your partner at the same rate, the same time, the same positions. Your desires are gonna be the same as your partner. It's just-

Lewis Howes 12:13 Never gonna happen

Dr. Emily Morse 12:13 ... setting yourself up for failure.

Lewis Howes 12:15 Never gonna happen.

Dr. Emily Morse 12:16 Never.

Lewis Howes 12:16 So it's learning to be flexible, understanding, having greater communication with your partner, not having this fixed mindset that it's gotta be a certain way all the time.

Dr. Emily Morse 12:24 Right.

Lewis Howes 12:25 Otherwise, you're gonna let yourself down.

Dr. Emily Morse 12:26 Yeah, set yourself free.

Lewis Howes 12:27 Do you think, uh-

Dr. Emily Morse 12:28 [laughs]

Lewis Howes 12:28 Is sex m- [laughs] yeah. Is sex more physical, psychological, or spiritual in your mind?

Dr. Emily Morse 12:34 I think it's all of those, and when we think it's only one thing, that's another w- way we get into trouble, because we don't ... I mean, yes, it's physical, but for many people it's a spiritual experience.

Lewis Howes 12:44 Mm.

Dr. Emily Morse 12:44 It's all about connection, and here's the other thing. When I, we talk about communication, I don't just mean like, "Hey, let's talk about sex. Why aren't we having it?" It's like, "What are your desires? What turns you on?"

Lewis Howes 12:54 Mm.

Dr. Emily Morse 12:55 "What are you into? What, what's the most ..." You know, a great place for couples to start is what's the most, the three most memorable times we've had sex. I'll write it down, and then you write it down. Not with other people, 'cause that gets messy, but-

Lewis Howes 13:06 [laughs]

Dr. Emily Morse 13:06 ... in our relationship.

Lewis Howes 13:07 Five years ago in that car with that other girl-

Dr. Emily Morse 13:09 Yeah, exactly

Lewis Howes 13:09 ... that was so hot.

Dr. Emily Morse 13:10 That girl we done is crazy. Oh my God.

Lewis Howes 13:12 [laughs]

Dr. Emily Morse 13:12 You're like, "Oh, shit, that wasn't you." That's bad.

Lewis Howes 13:13 [laughs]

Dr. Emily Morse 13:14 But once you start to kind of unpack-

Lewis Howes 13:16 Uh-huh

Dr. Emily Morse 13:16 ... like you, maybe I s- I had a woman call into my show a few weeks ago, and she said to me, [smacks lips] it was very similar, "I was married for 15 years, and we don't have sex. We have kids."

Lewis Howes 13:25 Mm.

Dr. Emily Morse 13:25 I mean, this is literally the question, so I'm glad we're talking about this. And she said ... And I asked her, I said, "Well, what's the most memorable time you had sex?" She said it was like in 2000, it was New Year's Eve, and we were on the dance floor, and we had, we had sex on the dance floor.

Lewis Howes 13:41 Mm.

Dr. Emily Morse 13:41 And she, she was like-

Lewis Howes 13:42 That's hot

Dr. Emily Morse 13:42 ... are we ... I'm like, "That's hot."

Lewis Howes 13:44 That's hot.

Dr. Emily Morse 13:44 I'm like, "Okay."

Lewis Howes 13:45 Wait, with other people around?

Dr. Emily Morse 13:46 Yeah, there were like pe- It was like, you know, New Year's Eve and it was like-

Lewis Howes 13:48 It was packed and it was like-

Dr. Emily Morse 13:49 Packed, people couldn't see

Lewis Howes 13:49 ... it was like wh-

Dr. Emily Morse 13:50 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 13:50 That's, that's pretty hot.

Dr. Emily Morse 13:50 That's hot. You're probably not gonna match that with three kids, like living in Ohio.

Lewis Howes 13:54 [laughs]

Dr. Emily Morse 13:55 Like, that's not gonna happen again.

Lewis Howes 13:56 Right, right.

Dr. Emily Morse 13:57 However, what I got from that, and this is just a, this is just scratching the surface, was, oh, so you like the unexpected. Maybe you have a little bit of a, um, you know, a, a, a voyeur thing in you where you like people to watch you, or you like to be watched.

Lewis Howes 14:09 Or to not, almost be caught or something, yeah.

Dr. Emily Morse 14:11 Yes, to be caught. The fear of being caught is a big one for people.

Lewis Howes 14:14 Really?

Dr. Emily Morse 14:14 So even just those kernels of the three most memorable, maybe it was on vaca- for a lot of people, it's on vacation. Well, it's not, you know, that's why we l- all love vacation sex. So our like sexual DNA, like all the different sex things that we've done, like that, that will tell us, or just telling what those sex acts is like the DNA of your sex life.

Lewis Howes 14:31 Mm.

Dr. Emily Morse 14:32 It's like what's worked, what hasn't, and the pro- the challenge is that it typically we don't often match with our partner. And this is why I would love for people to have all of these conversations about sex before you commit, or before you, well, before you commit would be ideal.

Lewis Howes 14:49 It's so hard.

Dr. Emily Morse 14:49 Before you get married.

Lewis Howes 14:50 So hard.

Dr. Emily Morse 14:50 'Cause you're like, "Oh, I, I want penetration. I want, I want more, I want kinkier. I want," you know? So, so the three things are, you know, some people want more romantic, connected sex. Like a mi- you know, maybe your partner says, "The best sex we ever had was when we were staring into each other's eyes and we did that tantric breathing together."

Lewis Howes 15:08 Slow and intimate.

Dr. Emily Morse 15:08 And then you're like, "I liked it when I, from behind when the lights were o-," you know? And-

Lewis Howes 15:12 Right

Dr. Emily Morse 15:12 ... and when we were watching porn together. And neither, there's no right answer here, but then how do people with disparate sexual desires and needs-

Lewis Howes 15:20 Wow. Man

Dr. Emily Morse 15:20 ... come together?

Lewis Howes 15:21 It's so hard.

Dr. Emily Morse 15:22 It's possible.

Lewis Howes 15:23 It, it's very possible.

Dr. Emily Morse 15:24 [laughs]

Lewis Howes 15:24 It's very hard. It's al-

Dr. Emily Morse 15:25 It's just very hard

Lewis Howes 15:26 ... it's almost like you, there's a lot of people that get into a relationship through attraction and they have this instant connection.

Dr. Emily Morse 15:33 Yes.

Lewis Howes 15:33 And they realize after six months that they have different love languages.

Dr. Emily Morse 15:37 Yes, the love languages are huge.

Lewis Howes 15:38 And the thing, the thing you love to create, maybe you like to share words of affirmation, but your partner doesn't do that in return, and you don't feel the love in return after a period of time when things kinda wear off of the-

Dr. Emily Morse 15:48 Right

Lewis Howes 15:48 ... honeymoon phase. You start to be like resentful or whatever it may be because-

Dr. Emily Morse 15:52 Yes

Lewis Howes 15:52 ... they're not giving you what you want.

Dr. Emily Morse 15:53 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 15:53 And it's not their come from. It's not their normal way of being.

Dr. Emily Morse 15:56 Right.

Lewis Howes 15:58 So that's hard, but then you're in a relationship, and you love each other, and you try to make it work. It sounds like you gotta understand each other's sex language.

Dr. Emily Morse 16:04 Yes. So let's talk about that for a minute. So I think every couple, a great thing is to do, take the love language quiz first. Also, I have something on my site called, it's at SexWithEmily.com. It's the yes, no, maybe list. This is a-

Lewis Howes 16:17 Ooh

Dr. Emily Morse 16:17 ... game-changer.

Lewis Howes 16:18 What is it?

Dr. Emily Morse 16:18 So I think it's, you take the love language quiz because usually we give love the way we want. We, we give love the way we wanna receive it, and then that can get messy. It's a list that has literally like 80 sex, sex options. So it goes from-

Lewis Howes 16:32 [laughs]

Dr. Emily Morse 16:32 ... kissing to cuddling to spanking to watching porn to mutual masturba- just everything that you've thought of sexually is on this list, and it's a game. You each fill it out. Is it a yes for you? Is it a no? Or is it a maybe? What a great convers-

Lewis Howes 16:47 That's a great-

Dr. Emily Morse 16:48 'Cause I always try to have hacks for people so they can sort of ... 'Cause the conversation's so awkward, I always have all these exercises for couples.

Lewis Howes 16:54 Mm.

Dr. Emily Morse 16:54 So just do this together, and then you're like, "Oh, you wanna be spanked. I didn't know that. I've wanted that as well," or, "You like to cuddle. We haven't been cuddling." You know, what are your yeses? Let's start with all the yeses. Okay, let's do more of the yeses. You know, what are your, your maybes? Well, let's just talk about the maybe here for a minute. How, why is it a maybe? And it just gets the conversation going.

Lewis Howes 17:13 Mm.

Dr. Emily Morse 17:13 And then you have it all laid out, and you see like where can we at least align, and then where can we negotiate?

Lewis Howes 17:21 Right.

Dr. Emily Morse 17:21 And it's just a little-

Lewis Howes 17:21 What about the nos? What if someone's yeses are someone else's nos?

Dr. Emily Morse 17:25 That, that's-

Lewis Howes 17:26 That's tough

Dr. Emily Morse 17:27 ... gonna take a lot of work. It's like the love language. It's, some of them are easier than others, but if your partner's like acts of service or time, s- some things are just hard. You're like, "Oh, God, acts of service. Can't I just pay someone to do this t- the nice thing for you?"

Lewis Howes 17:38 That's what I did. My girl loves acts of service.

Dr. Emily Morse 17:41 I'm gonna say that's hard for me.

Lewis Howes 17:42 I'm like-

Dr. Emily Morse 17:42 I guess I'm speaking for, yeah

Lewis Howes 17:43 ... it's so much time and energy to, to make you feel loved through an act-

Dr. Emily Morse 17:46 Yeah

Lewis Howes 17:46 ... when I normally would never do this myself for, for anything.

Dr. Emily Morse 17:49 I wouldn't do it for myself.

Lewis Howes 17:50 Exactly.

Dr. Emily Morse 17:50 I don't even wash my car.

Lewis Howes 17:51 No, no.

Dr. Emily Morse 17:51 Or whatever, fill the tank with gas, whatever.

Lewis Howes 17:53 But I learned a hack from like hiring people to do certain things.

Dr. Emily Morse 17:55 Hire people to do things.

Lewis Howes 17:56 But it's just, and that works, but it's still like, man, it's a-

Dr. Emily Morse 17:59 It's a-

Lewis Howes 17:59 ... full-time job

Dr. Emily Morse 18:00 ... it is a full-time job. Yeah.

Lewis Howes 18:02 Help, being there for someone's love language-

Dr. Emily Morse 18:04 Mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 18:04 ... if it's not the same thing.

Dr. Emily Morse 18:06 Yeah. It's hard. Well, how great when you match up at least one of them, 'cause usually we have two.

Lewis Howes 18:10 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dr. Emily Morse 18:11 We have one and then the primary one. So hopefully there's one that matches that.

Lewis Howes 18:13 No, we have a lot of, we have a lot of mutual things also, but it's like- If you have a n- your yeses are someone else's nos, that's gonna be really hard.

Dr. Emily Morse 18:20 Yeah. Does everyone ... Are your listeners under ... You talked about the love languages before-

Lewis Howes 18:23 Oh, yeah, yeah

Dr. Emily Morse 18:23 ... because it's, it's such a-

Lewis Howes 18:24 It's great

Dr. Emily Morse 18:24 ... it's a great ... No, it is, it is. It's a great inter- that's a great starting point for couples too because for couples who have never ... Like, let me tell you something, Lewis. The majority of couples that I hear from, and even individuals, they've n- never talked about their sex life, not only that, but they've never even thought about love languages. They're at a, they're at a standstill. They've never had therapy. And so I think taking a love language quiz, figuring that out can be a great place to just to start.

Lewis Howes 18:48 Start.

Dr. Emily Morse 18:49 Peel back a layer and be like, "Oh, you want compliments."

Lewis Howes 18:51 What about-

Dr. Emily Morse 18:51 "Okay."

Lewis Howes 18:51 What's the conversation starter that any person should have with their partner within the first couple months about sex?

Dr. Emily Morse 18:59 Okay.

Lewis Howes 18:59 Maybe you've had sex a few times already. Maybe you're about to have sex. In order to see if this is actually gonna work-

Dr. Emily Morse 19:05 Mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 19:05 ... to give you-

Dr. Emily Morse 19:06 Yes

Lewis Howes 19:06 ... a chance of being great.

Dr. Emily Morse 19:07 God, my world. I just wish for every-

Lewis Howes 19:09 What's, what's the conversation that's uncomfortable but needed?

Dr. Emily Morse 19:12 Um, well, you should always talk about protection and if you're safe-

Lewis Howes 19:15 Mm-hmm

Dr. Emily Morse 19:15 ... and you've been tested. You should do that before you have sex. Just have that conversation.

Lewis Howes 19:19 Right.

Dr. Emily Morse 19:19 And right now with, like, COVID, it's like we're all talking about tested. Why don't you just talk about have you gotten ... [laughs] Have you been test- Oh, great, you don't have COVID, and how about STDs? So that's one thing. And then I think it's just about how important is ... Here's a great question. How important is sex to you?

Lewis Howes 19:34 Mm.

Dr. Emily Morse 19:35 I'm someone who really wants to prioritize pleasure. It's really important to me to stay connected to my partner. I love touch. My w- my love language is, is, is touch.

Lewis Howes 19:43 Yeah, me too.

Dr. Emily Morse 19:44 How are you ... Yeah, and that's a hard one. If your partner's isn't touch, that's another one that's super challenging-

Lewis Howes 19:48 Really hard

Dr. Emily Morse 19:50 ... because I- like, if you were not touching often and all the time, [laughs] let's just say that-

Lewis Howes 19:54 You're not gonna be in love

Dr. Emily Morse 19:54 ... I'm like-

Lewis Howes 19:54 You're gonna be resentful. It's not gonna work

Dr. Emily Morse 19:55 ... I feel ... Yeah. They could be buying me gifts, and they could be doing acts of service.

Lewis Howes 19:58 Yeah, no.

Dr. Emily Morse 19:59 I don't give a sh- but to- hold touch me. Hold me.

Lewis Howes 20:01 [laughs] No.

Dr. Emily Morse 20:02 So that's hard, but just to say they're like, "Oh, no, I don't really like" ... So if they say, "Oh, I, you know, sex is, yeah, pleasure. What do you mean by that?" Or, God, and then they get really uncomfortable, or maybe they shame you for talking about it, or they make you feel bad, or, like, "What do you mean? I, I believe that if, if you have to talk about sex, the relationship's not gonna work." And I'm not saying you run away from that person because let me just ... I can't say this enough, Lewis, that most people haven't even talked about it or thought about it. A lot of times it's because they, the people don't have a lot of education or re- they haven't done research.

Lewis Howes 20:32 Mm.

Dr. Emily Morse 20:32 So maybe their partner says, "Well, I've heard if we have to talk about it, there's a problem." Lots of people think that. It's just simply not true.

Lewis Howes 20:38 Yeah.

Dr. Emily Morse 20:39 So if you're somebody who's with someone and you really like them but that, then you could say, "Okay, well, I listen" ... A lot of people listen to my show together. They'll listen to my podcast or give them some literature, however they learn, and say, "The truth is couples who communicate about sex are actually a lot more satisfied. And when the s- most couples who don't, the sex is gonna go down the tubes." And, you know.

Lewis Howes 20:57 Really, if they don't talk about it.

Dr. Emily Morse 20:58 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 20:59 So the more fre- or the more comfortable you are talking about it-

Dr. Emily Morse 21:01 The more comfortable you are

Lewis Howes 21:02 ... the better it's gonna be probably.

Dr. Emily Morse 21:03 Listen, the couples-

Lewis Howes 21:04 Yeah

Dr. Emily Morse 21:04 ... who are not having a problem with sex, they're doing great, but when it becomes a problem, which it will if you never talk about it, it takes over the entire relationship. It's kinda like the 80/20 rule for sex. Like, if it's a problem, it takes over. I don't know. Is that sort of-

Lewis Howes 21:18 Mm.

Dr. Emily Morse 21:18 You know?

Lewis Howes 21:19 Yeah.

Dr. Emily Morse 21:19 Or, like, it's-

Lewis Howes 21:19 It's like the elephant in the room that-

Dr. Emily Morse 21:20 Yeah

Lewis Howes 21:20 ... everyone's talking about, and it's why isn't our connection good, and intimacy's not good.

Dr. Emily Morse 21:25 Yes. Yeah.

Lewis Howes 21:25 But no one's willing to talk about it.

Dr. Emily Morse 21:26 No one's willing to talk about it because they don't know where to start. They don't actually know the problem.

Lewis Howes 21:30 Mm.

Dr. Emily Morse 21:30 And a lot of us, and I hear actually do hear this from vulva owners or women more often, is that when there's a problem with sex, we blame ourselves. So we think, "He hasn't initiated sex lately. Um, oh, I gained weight. He saw my stretch marks. I'm not sexy. He's with somebody else. There's something wrong with me, and so therefore I need to fix it."

Lewis Howes 21:51 Right.

Dr. Emily Morse 21:51 When if she d- when if I just said, you know, to the partner or someone said to their partner, "So what lately I feel like we haven't been having sex as much. Is there anything going on? 'Cause I still desi- "Oh, babe, I'm glad you brought it up. I've been so stressed with work." I mean, like, let's just solve it that way.

Lewis Howes 22:03 Yeah.

Dr. Emily Morse 22:03 But we don't. We're so afraid of talking about it that we're gonna be confirmed what we believe is true, that we are not lovable, which is ultimately the greatest fear on Earth, is that we will not be loved and abandoned.

Lewis Howes 22:13 Yeah.

Dr. Emily Morse 22:14 So we don't bring it up, and then we also have shame. Like, I should always have, be having sex all the time, and something's wrong with me. And then we also don't have a model of people talking about it, so we don't know what to do.

Lewis Howes 22:24 Yeah. It's not really talked about that much at all except for you.

Dr. Emily Morse 22:27 Except for me.

Lewis Howes 22:27 A few people.

Dr. Emily Morse 22:28 A few people.

Lewis Howes 22:29 Who, who-

Dr. Emily Morse 22:29 I hope more people are.

Lewis Howes 22:31 I know.

Lewis Howes 22:31 Who, who cheats more in relationships, men or women?

Dr. Emily Morse 22:35 Honestly, it's ... I used to think men, all the things, but it's fairly, it's fairly close right now.

Lewis Howes 22:41 Mm.

Dr. Emily Morse 22:41 I think that they're, like, neck and neck, 50/50.

Lewis Howes 22:43 I think Esther Perel said that just as many women-

Dr. Emily Morse 22:45 Yes

Lewis Howes 22:45 ... she's hearing in her, uh, in her work-

Dr. Emily Morse 22:48 Uh-huh

Lewis Howes 22:48 ... are, are cheating on their husbands as much as men are.

Dr. Emily Morse 22:51 Yeah. And in my unscientific opinion-

Lewis Howes 22:53 They just don't get caught

Dr. Emily Morse 22:54 ... it's f- women don't get caught.

Lewis Howes 22:55 [laughs] How is that?

Dr. Emily Morse 22:56 W- because we're just better at it.

Lewis Howes 22:57 How do you sneak?

Dr. Emily Morse 22:58 Well, women are-

Lewis Howes 22:59 How do you lie?

Dr. Emily Morse 22:59 [laughs] Kind of like we-

Lewis Howes 23:00 How do you hold back the lie, the guilt, the ... How do you not cheat?

Dr. Emily Morse 23:03 Some people ... Um, I just think that women are ... I don't know. I ... There's a ... That is a great question.

Lewis Howes 23:09 It's almost like women can always tell when their man's not-

Dr. Emily Morse 23:11 Always. We have that women's intuition.

Lewis Howes 23:13 But then-

Dr. Emily Morse 23:13 But men are maybe sloppier. I don't know. [laughs] This is, like, this is just my ... I don't know how w- and women, I don't know if they get away with it, but women, they kinda do. We just cover our tracks. [laughs] I don't know. But I often ... I know a lot of women, this is again just friends or listeners, um, but it is 50/50, and I can't answer why men get caught more than women. This is again, I'd love to see a study on this, but this is my hunch, that men maybe ... It's always about the phone these days. Although-

Lewis Howes 23:47 Mm

Dr. Emily Morse 23:47 ... I was watching, um, oh, what's it called, the show that was in the '50s about advertising? Oh my God.

Lewis Howes 23:54 Mad Men?

Dr. Emily Morse 23:55 Mad Men. And I remember there was a scene where he was cheating, and she got the phone bill, like, back in the '50s, and it was, like-

Lewis Howes 24:00 Yeah

Dr. Emily Morse 24:00 ... all these numbers-

Lewis Howes 24:01 The numbers, yeah

Dr. Emily Morse 24:01 ... she didn't know. So it's always been the phone.

Lewis Howes 24:03 Yeah.

Dr. Emily Morse 24:04 But now the phone can be c- pop up on the iPad and the messages and all the things. I don't-

Lewis Howes 24:08 May- maybe the man's not checking the woman's phone as much as the woman's checking the man's phone. I don't know.

Dr. Emily Morse 24:12 Yeah. I'm trying to think of what it ... I honestly think that women ... Okay. Again, there are men like this too, all genders, but women were really good at, like, read- like, we- We can read your facial expressions-

Lewis Howes 24:24 We're intuitive

Dr. Emily Morse 24:24 ... or we're intuitive, or, "What do you mean you didn't come?" Or what, "Oh, you're..."

Lewis Howes 24:26 [laughs]

Dr. Emily Morse 24:28 I don't know. We're like, we-

Lewis Howes 24:29 [laughs]

Dr. Emily Morse 24:29 ... we're like the scientists here.

Lewis Howes 24:30 Constantly questioning it, yeah.

Dr. Emily Morse 24:31 And I think that, that it does show a little bit that, you know, and there's also, these are also, I don't know how conclusive these studies are, but women, when women cheat, like women leave the relationship, they're more likely to already have someone.

Lewis Howes 24:43 Mm.

Dr. Emily Morse 24:43 That men don't often leave until their female partner pushes it to end, like in a marriage or something.

Lewis Howes 24:48 Interesting.

Dr. Emily Morse 24:49 Yeah. I just, I hate to talk in like stereotypes like this because I think-

Lewis Howes 24:53 Sure

Dr. Emily Morse 24:53 ... it's a case by case basis, but I do think that cheating is, yeah, common for, for everybody, and it's not necessarily because the sex isn't great. There, again, there's a lot of other reasons why people cheat.

Lewis Howes 25:06 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Emily Morse 25:06 And what I talk about a lot is that what I would love to see is, I think monogamy works for so many people. Monogamy is great. Till death do us part, great. We're together forever. But for many people, it just isn't. And I know, and people think, "Oh, that's so crazy. If my partner was sleeping with someone else, I'd go insane." Well, it's not for you, but for some people, they, they, they don't think it's okay, or they don't know how it would work. But I know a lot of people in really long-term open relationships, and it doesn't mean just go bang someone. "Honey, I'm not coming home tonight. I met someone really great at the bar." Doesn't work like that. It's like, okay, so these are my, 'cause okay, let's go back to the yes, no, maybe. Maybe I really wanna be spanked or tied up.

Lewis Howes 25:46 Mm.

Dr. Emily Morse 25:46 And you're just, you're like, "I don't feel great about that. I grew up in a home where there was a lot of violent." I'm like, "Okay. How would you feel if once a week or once a month, once a quarter," like I think everyone needs a sex, we'll talk about that business plan for your sex life, but once a quarter I went out and I did this thing, and then what, what do you want fulfilled? And you just sort of have a, and the people I know in open relationships-

Lewis Howes 26:07 Mm

Dr. Emily Morse 26:07 ... and there's all, there's like swingers, and there's threesomes, and there's just all different things. They practice this rigorous communication.

Lewis Howes 26:15 Really?

Dr. Emily Morse 26:15 And they talk about everything. And they don't, sure they get jealous, but then they sort of learn to sort of transcend that because something happens called compersion.

Lewis Howes 26:24 Compersion. What's that?

Dr. Emily Morse 26:24 And compersion, compersion is when I actually, I'm, I actually get pleasure because I love you so much that you, you had pleasure.

Lewis Howes 26:34 No way.

Dr. Emily Morse 26:34 Like, I lo-

Lewis Howes 26:35 Really?

Dr. Emily Morse 26:35 Absolutely. This is what happens.

Lewis Howes 26:37 Wow.

Dr. Emily Morse 26:37 If that's really the ultimate goal.

Lewis Howes 26:37 So that's like transcending jealousy-

Dr. Emily Morse 26:39 Mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 26:39 ... into compersion.

Dr. Emily Morse 26:40 Compersion.

Lewis Howes 26:41 Never heard of that.

Dr. Emily Morse 26:41 Your pleasure. I love you so much, and I trust you, and I'm glad you went and got spanked tonight, or I'm glad you went and, you know.

Lewis Howes 26:47 That's like a whole nother elevated human right there.

Dr. Emily Morse 26:49 Not even s- yeah.

Lewis Howes 26:51 How do you, how does someone tran- I mean, I feel like on both sides, men and women, it's har- it'd be hard for men to allow that to happen to their female partner. And I, I think the fear of, I won't speak in every woman-

Dr. Emily Morse 27:05 Mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 27:05 ... but I think the fear of abandonment for a lot of women is, is high. And if you're gonna go off and have this crazy wild experience with some younger-

Dr. Emily Morse 27:13 Right

Lewis Howes 27:13 ... or hotter, whatever-

Dr. Emily Morse 27:14 [laughs]

Lewis Howes 27:14 ... girl, like will you still wanna be with me?

Dr. Emily Morse 27:17 Well-

Lewis Howes 27:17 Is it safe and secure?

Dr. Emily Morse 27:18 That happens for many people. But I, I should also clarify that the, when these open relationships work, they don't start open. You are on a really solid place.

Lewis Howes 27:28 Mm.

Dr. Emily Morse 27:28 I've so many people call into my show and say, "We've been together 10 years and we've opened it up. In the last five years we've been swinging." I, I don't, most people that I know or that call in, that my listeners, they, they had a really solid foundation, and they talked about it for months. They have rules.

Lewis Howes 27:45 Mm.

Dr. Emily Morse 27:45 They have boundaries. Like, there's no kissing, there's no sleepovers. If you're with somebody, it's only once. And since you, and, and you, you have a contract essentially.

Lewis Howes 27:53 Is that the way it works for most?

Dr. Emily Morse 27:54 No, there's no most. I hear everything. Some people want the person that they, they want the same person.

Lewis Howes 27:59 Really?

Dr. Emily Morse 27:59 Some people don't. They want, it can't be anyone in our town.

Lewis Howes 28:02 Right.

Dr. Emily Morse 28:02 It can only be when you're traveling. It can only be our neighbor and nobody else. It can only, there's no kissing. You can never sleep over. You can only sleep over, but then don't come home, 'cause you know, I mean, it's-

Lewis Howes 28:12 Wow.

Dr. Emily Morse 28:12 But you get, but you might, and when you start at an open relationship journey, you, and you get to, um, deci- like it's, can be messy at the beginning.

Lewis Howes 28:20 Yeah.

Dr. Emily Morse 28:20 But you're like, "Oh, that didn't feel good to me." But you are, like I said, you practice, you both want this for whatever reason you came to. Because we want more variety or actually turns me on to see you with another person. Like a lot of, and you'd be surprised.

Lewis Howes 28:34 Mm.

Dr. Emily Morse 28:34 Probably your neighbors. There's people that you wouldn't believe likely are into it.

Lewis Howes 28:38 Are doing something, yeah.

Dr. Emily Morse 28:39 Yeah. A lot of men like watching their female partners-

Lewis Howes 28:41 Shut up

Dr. Emily Morse 28:41 ... with another, so many, Lewis. And I'll bet you a lot of your listeners are like, "Yeah, I'm into it." It's called cuckolding.

Lewis Howes 28:47 Or what's that?

Dr. Emily Morse 28:48 Where a man, it's called cuckolding, and it's-

Lewis Howes 28:49 Cuckolding.

Dr. Emily Morse 28:50 Uh-huh. And it's way, I mean, I'm telling you, people all over the country, they call into my show, in the Midwest and all over. Yep. I mean, I'm from Michigan. I have a lot of s- listeners-

Lewis Howes 29:00 Yeah

Dr. Emily Morse 29:00 ... like we, cuckolding is the act of, of a, of a man, typically a man, who gets his primary turn-on or one of his main turn-ons is watching his wife have s- or his partner have sex with another man. I know. Not for me either, not for you.

Lewis Howes 29:15 It's just like it's in their DNA.

Dr. Emily Morse 29:17 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 29:17 It's like this is a turn-on for me.

Dr. Emily Morse 29:19 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 29:19 It's crazy.

Dr. Emily Morse 29:20 There's a lot of different reasons. So you, I hear it all. I mean, I, and I, you know, the thing about my show is like, no, zero judgment. I've heard everything. I'm open as long as it's safe and consensual.

Lewis Howes 29:29 Yeah, yeah.

Dr. Emily Morse 29:29 But I think that there's still a lot, going back to why we cheat, it's like maybe we have a deep desire and either we're too afraid to bring it up, or we brought it up and our partner was like, "No, I will never-

Lewis Howes 29:40 Allow that

Dr. Emily Morse 29:40 ... I will never allow it." And then you're like, "Well, this is a part of my core erotic blueprint. This is my, my erotic theme. This is what, this is a really main source of my arousal," and you're saying no.

Lewis Howes 29:51 No, you're shutting it down.

Dr. Emily Morse 29:52 And it's really hard. And then-

Lewis Howes 29:53 So how do you live with that if you wanna be with someone, you love this person, you wanna create a family and a life together, and you wanna live by, uh, you wanna make them happy, but you also wanna make yourself happy. How do you do both?

Dr. Emily Morse 30:06 Mm. Well, there's so many different pieces of the puzzle, so-

Lewis Howes 30:10 And is it okay to shut down a desire-

Dr. Emily Morse 30:13 Yes, if you're okay with it

Lewis Howes 30:14 ... to be with someone else?

Dr. Emily Morse 30:15 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 30:15 And you say, "Okay, I'm gonna accept this. It's not acceptable-

Dr. Emily Morse 30:18 Yeah, absol-

Lewis Howes 30:18 ... in this relationship"

Dr. Emily Morse 30:19 ... all the time.

Lewis Howes 30:19 "So I'm gonna kill this part of me." And

Dr. Emily Morse 30:23 Is it a kill or it's just like a let go?

Lewis Howes 30:24 A let go

Dr. Emily Morse 30:24 Like, you know-

Lewis Howes 30:25 Of this desire

Dr. Emily Morse 30:25 ... like if it... Yeah.

Lewis Howes 30:26 Oh.

Dr. Emily Morse 30:27 Yeah, no, because the kill is like, "Oh, it was a deep part of me." But if it's like-

Lewis Howes 30:30 Right

Dr. Emily Morse 30:30 ... "You know what? If I never have sex with another person, uh, outdoors-"

Lewis Howes 30:37 Right

Dr. Emily Morse 30:37 ... I could probably live with that," because this person's all these other things.

Lewis Howes 30:40 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Emily Morse 30:41 But it's usually not that-

Lewis Howes 30:43 The richness of-

Dr. Emily Morse 30:43 ... black and white.

Lewis Howes 30:43 Yeah

Dr. Emily Morse 30:43 Yeah, the richness of the connection and the love and-

Lewis Howes 30:45 And the relationship and what we've created-

Dr. Emily Morse 30:47 Yeah, it's so beautiful

Lewis Howes 30:48 ... it's not worth ruining-

Dr. Emily Morse 30:49 It's not worth ruining for this

Lewis Howes 30:49 ... for this fantasy once a year or something.

Dr. Emily Morse 30:51 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 30:51 Right.

Dr. Emily Morse 30:51 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 30:52 Interesting.

Dr. Emily Morse 30:52 So, but things can work if we... I just want people to know what is possible.

Lewis Howes 30:58 Right.

Dr. Emily Morse 30:58 And, and again, none of this is for everybody, but it's- it's not prescriptive, but monogamy isn't for everybody.

Lewis Howes 31:03 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Emily Morse 31:03 That's why half the people cheat, that's why half the marriages end in divorce. Even though we're delaying marriage and getting married layer- later, um, and sex is often an underlying, like if you don't still have that connection and chemistry, even couples, and couples are gonna go through it. Like, I, I think as long as you're, you know... It's not always gonna be great. R- relationships look like this, especially long-term relationships, but the couples I know that make it work, they always come back to they ha- they still are having sex. Like, they're-

Lewis Howes 31:30 Really?

Dr. Emily Morse 31:31 'Cause typically, maybe sometimes there's one person who doesn't want it as, you know, like I said, but they make it happen. Or they don't want to have as much sex, but they, they figure it out because they know that that is the glue. And people will tell you differently. Like, "Oh, we're best friends. We've decided we never need to have sex again, and we're just gonna be... We love, we have a g- love our family, love our house." If they're not having sex, eventually that will catch up with them and they will be miserable.

Lewis Howes 31:55 Or one personal's will want that desire-

Dr. Emily Morse 31:57 Yeah

Lewis Howes 31:57 ... or something like that.

Dr. Emily Morse 31:58 They'll want it. We have to, we we're, we are sexual beings. You people are having sex. I mean, I have like an 80-year-old call me in the show the other night, and he's got three women, and who she gonna... I mean, it's a different world right now. You know, my mother watched my Masterclass and she's 77, and she's like, "You know, Emily, watching your Masterclass, I was really inspired. I actually shaved my legs." She's been with my stepdad for 35 years.

Lewis Howes 32:21 Wow.

Dr. Emily Morse 32:21 She's like, "I realize I've been kinda lazy during quarantine, and I shaved my legs." I'm like, "Mom, I'm so glad you were inspired," because we always need to remember that that's... You know, and they're very happy. They have a wonderful relationship, but, you know, he's 85, she's 70, he's... But it still is important because then otherwise we're roommates.

Lewis Howes 32:39 What's the-

Dr. Emily Morse 32:40 [laughs] It's a lot [laughs]

Lewis Howes 32:41 What's the craziest story you've heard in the last 15 years of doing this work, where you were just, it shocked you? And you're like, "No, this is..." Like, you've heard everything. Nothing's off limits. You're, you're, you're welcoming people sharing crazy stuff-

Dr. Emily Morse 32:57 Mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 32:57 ... all the time to make it more normalized. So what is the one or two things that come to mind-

Dr. Emily Morse 33:02 Oh, gosh

Lewis Howes 33:03 ... that was like, "Wow, this person-"

Dr. Emily Morse 33:04 I, I get asked this question, and then whenever I get asked it I say I really have, need a better answer for it, because to me nothing is crazy.

Lewis Howes 33:09 Mm.

Dr. Emily Morse 33:10 But I can tell you something that happened, and again, I usually, this happened recently. Um, do you mean like a crazy sex act or like... Well, here's something. Okay, so there's a couple. This woman called into my show and she said she had a crush. 'Cause a lot, what I love about what I do is 'cause I, people can call in and then they call back. And they're like, "Well, hey, this worked, this didn't work."

Lewis Howes 33:32 Mm.

Dr. Emily Morse 33:32 So like we're all, like the community, we're all in it together sort of helping each other. So she called in. She said, "I don't know what to do. I have a crush on my," this is kinda con- we're gonna need to, "on my ex-husband's wife."

Lewis Howes 33:44 [laughs] A woman on a woman.

Dr. Emily Morse 33:46 She's like, "I, I just, we have this connection. We spend a lot of time together because she's essentially raising my kids."

Lewis Howes 33:51 Wow.

Dr. Emily Morse 33:51 "She's been with my husband for years."

Lewis Howes 33:52 So we're, we're at the park together.

Dr. Emily Morse 33:53 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 33:53 My kids, we're this, we're-

Dr. Emily Morse 33:55 Yeah, and I think she feels it too.

Lewis Howes 33:56 That is crazy.

Dr. Emily Morse 33:57 Mm-hmm. And she said, "And I even told my husband," 'cause she's remarried. She's, she's like, "I even told my husband that we have a thing and, and, and he said, you know, you know, he, he was kind of okay, but, like, thought it would be," you know. So then she calls back a few months later. Oh, so then, yeah, she calls back a few months later and says, "You'll never believe what's happening." [laughs] And this happened during quarantine. She said-

Lewis Howes 34:18 Don't tell me they both got divorced-

Dr. Emily Morse 34:20 Worse

Lewis Howes 34:20 ... and now they're together

Dr. Emily Morse 34:20 ... we're in a throuple.

Lewis Howes 34:21 [laughs]

Dr. Emily Morse 34:21 The wife, the girlfriend left, her ex left her husband, her ex-husband. And now the three of them, the husband, the, the wife, and then the ex-wife, 'cause she said to me on the first call, she said-

Lewis Howes 34:36 The ex-husband's wife left the husband

Dr. Emily Morse 34:38 ... to go for his ex-wife. So the two ex-wives-

Lewis Howes 34:40 Oh, my god [laughs]

Dr. Emily Morse 34:40 ... are now together, and the husband. And it was to- this might sound like, "Oh, this is a-"

Lewis Howes 34:45 The new husband, not the ex-husband.

Dr. Emily Morse 34:46 Yes, the new husband. The ex-husband's alone and sad.

Lewis Howes 34:48 Oh, my gosh.

Dr. Emily Morse 34:49 He's alone and sad.

Lewis Howes 34:50 No way.

Dr. Emily Morse 34:50 And the other crazy thing is, is that the, the woman was like, "I feel this woman that I have a crush on, she's married to my ex," and this, this is a whole nother show, but she's like, "The same... It's, he's, my ex-husband is an asshole or a jerk," you know, everyone thinks that. "But he's doing the same things to her and, and-"

Lewis Howes 35:07 They're almost bonded together because-

Dr. Emily Morse 35:08 Right

Lewis Howes 35:08 ... of the experience

Dr. Emily Morse 35:09 It's like trauma bonding

Lewis Howes 35:10 ... they share an experience.

Dr. Emily Morse 35:10 'Cause people do... Listen, we're all gonna-

Lewis Howes 35:12 This is crazy

Dr. Emily Morse 35:12 ... repeat patterns if we don't work on ourselves.

Lewis Howes 35:15 We don't heal it.

Dr. Emily Morse 35:15 We don't heal it. You gotta heal. The trauma, that [censored] just gonna keep going. So he was like abu- he was controlling, he was OCD, judgmental, all the things.

Lewis Howes 35:23 So she would complain to the other girl-

Dr. Emily Morse 35:25 Mm-hmm, yeah

Lewis Howes 35:26 ... about what the ex-husband was doing to her.

Dr. Emily Morse 35:28 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 35:28 And they were like, "Yeah, he did that to me."

Dr. Emily Morse 35:30 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 35:30 And they were connecting, and they were like, "Oh."

Dr. Emily Morse 35:32 It was over a period of ye- exactly. Or just, yeah, it was over a period of a few years. So I mean, at the end I'm like, "Yeah, then your ex ne- your, the ex-husband needs to know to go do some work," you know. And anyway, that was a pretty entertaining, that was a pretty-

Lewis Howes 35:43 Wow

Dr. Emily Morse 35:44 ... unique scenario.

Lewis Howes 35:45 And the new husband was cool with the, the throuple.

Dr. Emily Morse 35:47 Yeah. See, this is what I'm telling you, Lewis, that people are-

Lewis Howes 35:51 Were they having a-

Dr. Emily Morse 35:51 ... more open to things than you think

Lewis Howes 35:53 ... yeah. Were the women having a relationship by themselves?

Dr. Emily Morse 35:55 No, the man sometimes joins.

Lewis Howes 35:56 This, this is crazy.

Dr. Emily Morse 35:56 But they all have an arrangement. They sleep in the same bed.

Lewis Howes 35:59 [laughs] This is crazy.

Dr. Emily Morse 36:00 This is not the first call I've gotten. Not, about the throuple as a whole, you know, me thing.

Lewis Howes 36:05 Wow.

Dr. Emily Morse 36:06 Yeah. I mean, I know, I, it sounds... Yeah, that was pretty like, oh, like, oh my g- we're like following along with her journey, and I'm like, she called back six months later and this is what happened. So-

Lewis Howes 36:16 It's a-

Dr. Emily Morse 36:16 I kinda think of what I hear that's so... But to me, Lewis, everything is like I've heard everything I don't think that any- people, people ... What I love is that people feel safe to call me, and it's like it's all okay as long as it's, you know, people have certain ... Okay, so here's someone called in. This is my... This isn't crazy, but this, you just might find this interesting. This was last night. Her husband has a haircutting fetish. A fetish is something different than a fantasy or a kink-

Lewis Howes 36:43 Mm-hmm

Dr. Emily Morse 36:43 ... that's required for arousal. Like, people have a latex fetish or a, or a, um-

Lewis Howes 36:49 A foot fetish

Dr. Emily Morse 36:49 ... a foot fetish.

Lewis Howes 36:49 [laughs]

Dr. Emily Morse 36:50 Like, it's almost like-

Lewis Howes 36:50 So what are [laughs] ... So you need the fetish in order to be aroused-

Dr. Emily Morse 36:54 Mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 36:54 ... or you won't be sexually aroused without it?

Dr. Emily Morse 36:55 It's a requirement. I will not be at my best arousal state unless there is y- I can't-

Lewis Howes 37:00 The fetish

Dr. Emily Morse 37:00 ... I gotta massage your feet. I gotta massage your feet. They have to be somehow involved in our arousal.

Lewis Howes 37:06 In the experience.

Dr. Emily Morse 37:06 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 37:06 Otherwise, maybe you'll be turned on, but not fully turned on.

Dr. Emily Morse 37:09 Not fully turned on. That's a fetish. That's like a, a ... And you can be like, "Oh, I kinda like feet. Sometimes we do that."

Lewis Howes 37:14 Right.

Dr. Emily Morse 37:14 So that's the difference. So this woman called in. She'd been with her husband for 17 years. I believe she was in, um, Ohio, and she said-

Lewis Howes 37:23 OH.

Dr. Emily Morse 37:23 LH, yeah.

Lewis Howes 37:24 That's where I'm from.

Dr. Emily Morse 37:24 I know. Right, from Michigan.

Lewis Howes 37:25 Yeah.

Dr. Emily Morse 37:25 Right. Exactly. So she said, um, haircut fetish, and problem is we're in quarantine, and I'm not getting my hair cut as much, and my hair was really short, and now it's growing, and I like it, and my sisters like it, but I love my husband so much. What do I do? And it was just interesting 'cause I had, I had heard that one once before, but, like, she's like the hair- 'cause she said, "But I see it."

Lewis Howes 37:47 He cuts it.

Dr. Emily Morse 37:48 He, he ... Well, usually someone else cuts it, but he comes, and she goes, "And I see he's never as turned on as he is when I'm getting a haircut."

Lewis Howes 37:55 Oh my gosh. So she can't grow her hair out, apparently.

Dr. Emily Morse 37:56 She can't grow her hair. She's like, "What do you..." I'm like, "Buy wigs."

Lewis Howes 37:59 Ooh.

Dr. Emily Morse 37:59 I said, "Why don't you go buy a bunch of wigs, and you could also take it to the next place and be like, 'Not only am I a blonde tonight in this long hair, but I'm also gonna dress a part, and I'm gonna become my alter ego.'" Like, these are things that couples do to, like, kind of ... It's kinda hot to wear a wig. I once had a woman tell me she was working at a, a department store. I think I was, like, somewhere like in New York buying something. I mean, 'cause everybody, as you can imagine, opens up to ... When they hear what I do-

Lewis Howes 38:23 Yeah

Dr. Emily Morse 38:23 ... they're like, "Oh, let me tell you something." And she was probably 65 years old at Bloomingdale's working the makeup counter, and I was buying something, and I said, "I'm going out to a conference or something." She said, "What do you do?" I said, "Oh, I'm a sex, sex doctor, sex therapist." She said, "Honey, I got the best advice for you." I said, "What? What?" 'Cause I always wanna know. She's like, "Wear a wig." And, and I was like, "Hmm," and what she meant, what she was saying is we, we all crave variety. We all want something different. We ... It's gonna happen after a while. If I h- if I give you this chicken every single night for dinner-

Lewis Howes 38:54 Hmm

Dr. Emily Morse 38:54 ... you'd be like, "Can we please order a pizza?"

Lewis Howes 38:56 Yeah. [laughs]

Dr. Emily Morse 38:57 And so if every night, and then you just kinda surprise your partner, and you're wearing something different, and you sort of plan to role play, and wh- my- all this might sound kind of silly or, oh, we would laugh. Fine, laugh. Sex is fun and funny, and then you get into a different ... Maybe you could ... Maybe some c- couples or people have called in and said, "Yeah, I took your advice. I, I dressed as something different, and I actually was able to channel, like, my insecurities that I usually have."

Lewis Howes 39:20 Hmm.

Dr. Emily Morse 39:20 "I felt different. I felt sexier. I felt like I could take control 'cause I wasn't me, and my partner could sort of connect with me on a different level." And so these are just ... I have so many of these different hacks. It's different for everyone, but-

Lewis Howes 39:32 Hmm

Dr. Emily Morse 39:33 ... you know, just don't give up on it, you know?

Lewis Howes 39:35 Don't give up. What, what about someone's [laughs]

Dr. Emily Morse 39:38 [laughs]

Lewis Howes 39:38 What about if someone's struggling with orgasm?

Dr. Emily Morse 39:40 Hmm.

Lewis Howes 39:41 How do we not force an orgasm?

Dr. Emily Morse 39:43 Which gender, women or men?

Lewis Howes 39:45 Both.

Dr. Emily Morse 39:45 Okay.

Lewis Howes 39:46 Yeah. What if both are like, "I'm just not able to have an orgasm anymore."

Dr. Emily Morse 39:49 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 39:49 "It's harder and harder, and I, no matter what I try," are, are they overthinking it?

Dr. Emily Morse 39:53 Well-

Lewis Howes 39:53 Is it stress? Is it-

Dr. Emily Morse 39:54 I don't think that sex should be all about orgasm.

Lewis Howes 39:55 Hmm.

Dr. Emily Morse 39:56 We place way too much emphasis on orgasm. I mean, it's important, but what I've found is there's a lot of different reasons why we can't orgasm-

Lewis Howes 40:04 Hmm

Dr. Emily Morse 40:04 ... and that's also, there's, like, 20 different reasons. It could be you're on medication.

Lewis Howes 40:08 Hmm.

Dr. Emily Morse 40:08 You're stressed out. You only can orgasm when you're alone, but when you're with your partner, you haven't showed them what you like yet. You have pain. For, for ...

Lewis Howes 40:17 Hmm.

Dr. Emily Morse 40:17 There's a lot of different reasons.

Lewis Howes 40:18 You, you have shame.

Dr. Emily Morse 40:19 You have shame. You have pain and shame, and so there's a ... So if you can't orgasm, which, which ... Now, can't orgasm or, like ... Okay, so I ... It is different for the genders.

Lewis Howes 40:32 Or it's blocked maybe, yeah.

Dr. Emily Morse 40:32 So we could break it down. I mean, some women orgasm ... Like, I don't think there's anyone who c- who can't have an or- I think we can always have an orgasm, but we just don't, haven't gotten there yet. But very few people, like, can't anymore. Maybe they can't during penetration, but, you know, I have to, you know, I have to say this every day, and people are shocked that only 20% of women orgasm during penetration.

Lewis Howes 40:55 That's crazy.

Dr. Emily Morse 40:56 20%, and it's because your penis is nowhere near a clitoris, and there's not enough arousal and foreplay, and there's not enough touching.

Lewis Howes 41:03 Right.

Dr. Emily Morse 41:03 And, or maybe my love language is words, and I need you to tell me all these things about me, and I need you to slowly kiss my neck-

Lewis Howes 41:10 Hmm

Dr. Emily Morse 41:10 ... and warm me up.

Lewis Howes 41:12 Hmm.

Dr. Emily Morse 41:12 But when we just go right for penetration, no way will I have an orgasm, and most women orgasm from mouths, and fingers, and hands, and toys, not a penis. So, and then for men who can't orgasm, it's typically other things. It's usually ... Do you wanna do ... What, you want me to go off on it all?

Lewis Howes 41:28 Sure.

Dr. Emily Morse 41:28 Okay.

Lewis Howes 41:29 Yeah, yeah.

Dr. Emily Morse 41:29 I mean, like, you know this, like [laughs]

Lewis Howes 41:30 [laughs] Go for it.

Dr. Emily Morse 41:32 Men can't orgasm because-

Lewis Howes 41:35 Is it loss of testosterone?

Dr. Emily Morse 41:36 Dur-

Lewis Howes 41:36 Is it stress? Is it-

Dr. Emily Morse 41:37 Everything. Testosterone, stress. As men get older, they lose testosterone. But it can also be because they're used to masturbating to some, to porn. So when they're alone, they use a certain grip.

Lewis Howes 41:48 If they don't have the same tension-

Dr. Emily Morse 41:49 A tighter grip. Yeah. Doesn't allow an orgasm.

Lewis Howes 41:53 Doesn't work. Uh-huh.

Dr. Emily Morse 41:53 Yeah, but you can figure out. There's hacks to everything, Lewis. You can hack your sex life.

Lewis Howes 41:57 [sighs]

Dr. Emily Morse 41:58 [laughs]

Lewis Howes 41:59 What is mindful masturbation?

Dr. Emily Morse 42:01 Mindful masturbation. Mindful masturbation is a great practice for discovery and learning to, um, slow everything down and the prac-

Lewis Howes 42:12 Something you do yourself-

Dr. Emily Morse 42:13 Mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 42:13 ... or with someone else?

Dr. Emily Morse 42:14 You could do it either way. That's mutual. I love mutual. How about a mutual mindful masturbation?

Lewis Howes 42:19 There you go.

Dr. Emily Morse 42:19 Mutual masturbation-

Lewis Howes 42:20 3:00 AM

Dr. Emily Morse 42:20 ... is the next thing. There you go. Um, mindful masturbation-

Lewis Howes 42:23 Forward with Morse.

Dr. Emily Morse 42:24 What'd you say?

Lewis Howes 42:25 The fourth hour with Emily Morse.

Dr. Emily Morse 42:26 Yes, exactly. Right. There you go. Write it down. Um, the ... So What I love about mindful masturbation is it's, you actually go into it with a goal of not orgasming. The goal is to explore. The goal is to-

Lewis Howes 42:40 Mm

Dr. Emily Morse 42:40 ... take time. You take half hour, whatever it is. You lock the door. You know the kids aren't coming in, your roommate, and you just get curious. And you set the atmosphere, like you're on a date with yourself. Whatever it is-

Lewis Howes 42:52 Mm

Dr. Emily Morse 42:52 ... that gets you in the mood. You light candles, you play music, and you're just like, "I'm gonna get curious about my body and what feels good to me," because we have so many nerve endings on our body that we don't even just... We all know the primary erogenous zones, but there's, like, like the nape of your neck, you know, your inner thigh, your, you know, just inner elbow, like for many women. Like, there's just-

Lewis Howes 43:16 Inner elbow

Dr. Emily Morse 43:16 ... or men, for men. Yeah, like right here, like this part can feel really good to touch.

Lewis Howes 43:19 Mm.

Dr. Emily Morse 43:20 And then you just sort of get curious and you bre- a lot, there's a lot of breath work, and you breathe. I mean, breath and medit- breath and masturbation, that's why I say meditate, masturbate, manifest. But there's a lot of things that are, breathing that are so important with sex. So you just kinda breathe and you just sorta pay attention to all the sensations of your body. You, you k- essentially tease yourself or edge yourself, and then you just sort of, the goal of it is to be mindful and curious about what feels good to you. Now, I'm cool if you have orgasms and you go for it, but the, the great thing about it is, a, a lot of us just assume that the way we orgasm now is the only way. Like, I only had an orgasm this way, and I'm never going to try anything else.

Lewis Howes 43:59 Mm.

Dr. Emily Morse 43:59 And this is a great way to discover, like, can I have a nipple orgasm? How does it feel-

Lewis Howes 44:04 Wait, what's a nipple orgas-

Dr. Emily Morse 44:05 ... prostate orgasm.

Lewis Howes 44:05 What's a nipple orgasm?

Dr. Emily Morse 44:06 A nipplegasm, very common. But a lot of women don't even know they can have it.

Lewis Howes 44:10 It's just, just having, like, pleasure-

Dr. Emily Morse 44:12 A lot of sensations

Lewis Howes 44:13 ... on the nipples-

Dr. Emily Morse 44:13 Yeah

Lewis Howes 44:13 ... and you have an orgasm.

Dr. Emily Morse 44:14 Use some lube. Yeah.

Lewis Howes 44:15 Zero arousal, zero touching-

Dr. Emily Morse 44:17 Yeah

Lewis Howes 44:18 ... on the genital.

Dr. Emily Morse 44:18 Yeah. In fact, there's a, there's the, um, sensory, the, the, the same region of your brain, it's called the, the sensory cortex, the genital... What is it called? The, uh, oh my god, my brain. The something sensory cortex of your brain. [laughs] The, it, it, so your clitoris and your nip- we didn't even say clitoris yet. Your clitoris-

Lewis Howes 44:36 [laughs]

Dr. Emily Morse 44:37 ... and your nipples are both, they both send brain wave patterns to the same part of the brain. So your arousal is stimulated-

Lewis Howes 44:44 Mm

Dr. Emily Morse 44:44 ... this, this part of the brain. So it is similar to, so the nipples and the clitoris, so sometimes you could do both at the same time. But women don't often, they think it's not possible. They think they can only have one orgasm. Majority of women can be multi-orgasmic.

Lewis Howes 44:58 Really?

Dr. Emily Morse 44:59 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 45:00 How many other places [laughs] can wo- women have an orgasm? Nipple. [laughs]

Dr. Emily Morse 45:05 Nipple. [laughs] Is this a live on your show?

Lewis Howes 45:06 What else? What else?

Dr. Emily Morse 45:06 Are you gonna cut this out?

Lewis Howes 45:07 We've never talked about this stuff, but where else?

Dr. Emily Morse 45:09 Dude, but this is good.

Lewis Howes 45:10 Yeah, open it up.

Dr. Emily Morse 45:12 Listen, people need to know. What... Listen, my whole mission is to get people to prioritize their pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex, so this is it. W- w- we need more pleasure.

Lewis Howes 45:22 Yeah.

Dr. Emily Morse 45:22 Let's talk about it. Mm.

Lewis Howes 45:24 [laughs]

Dr. Emily Morse 45:25 Nipple orgasm. Yes, I mean, there's some women, and they might even know this, but then their partner maybe, they never explored on their own during mindful masturbation. Or, and use some lube. Y- g- get, just get curious about it.

Lewis Howes 45:37 Yeah.

Dr. Emily Morse 45:38 And maybe after you already have an orgasm, you can, then your nipples will be more sensitive, and then you can have another orgasm. I mean, I'm not saying it's for every woman, but they're pretty common. There's a nipple orgasm. There is an internal orgasm, an external orgasm. There are-

Lewis Howes 45:51 Wait, what's the difference between internal, external?

Dr. Emily Morse 45:53 Well, some people call it the G-spot.

Lewis Howes 45:55 Uh-huh. Oh, you mean int- gotcha

Dr. Emily Morse 45:56 ... internal, sorry

Lewis Howes 45:57 ... I'm blanking on my language. Internal, like-

Dr. Emily Morse 45:58 But for men, prostate. The prostate is, I'm telling you, for men, you can have-

Lewis Howes 46:03 You can have an orgasm through the prostate?

Dr. Emily Morse 46:04 Oh, yeah. Oh my God.

Lewis Howes 46:06 Very sensitive, huh?

Dr. Emily Morse 46:08 Yes.

Lewis Howes 46:08 [laughs]

Dr. Emily Morse 46:10 [laughs] No, Lewis, the, i- it's like, a, a lot of men are like, "No, it's for exiting. Makes me gay." Like, a sex act does not make you gay.

Lewis Howes 46:17 Mm.

Dr. Emily Morse 46:17 What, what happens is the, the prostate's kinda like the, the male G-spot, and it's an internal, there's, kinda like the same way you find the internal G- well, we could get t- back to the G-spot, but for many men, using a finger, using a toy, and just exploring there, they have the most intense orgasms.

Lewis Howes 46:34 Really?

Dr. Emily Morse 46:34 Yes. We didn't, you didn't... Oh, I should've brought you an anal toy. Oh.

Lewis Howes 46:37 [laughs] Okay, there you go.

Dr. Emily Morse 46:40 So yeah. And so what I love is in the last 15 years, like what I've seen is it used to be like straight men were like, "Nope, nope," and then now they're kinda like, "Oh, I hear what you're saying. I gotta-"

Lewis Howes 46:48 I'm curious a little bit, yeah.

Dr. Emily Morse 46:49 Yeah, and it can help men who have premature ejaculation or men who can't orgasm. Like, that's always gonna do it, and the men that I know that have experienced it, they're just like, "It's next level orgasm."

Lewis Howes 46:59 [laughs]

Dr. Emily Morse 47:00 It blows their minds.

Lewis Howes 47:02 Okay. [laughs]

Dr. Emily Morse 47:02 So you're partner can use a fi- yeah.

Lewis Howes 47:04 Who, what's, what's more of a challenge for most men from your understanding-

Dr. Emily Morse 47:07 Mm

Lewis Howes 47:07 ... and your show and experience, premature ejacu- ejaculation or unable to ejaculate or takes-

Dr. Emily Morse 47:14 Delayed ejaculation

Lewis Howes 47:15 ... delayed ejaculation? What's-

Dr. Emily Morse 47:16 That's what we call it

Lewis Howes 47:16 ... what happens, what's more frequent?

Dr. Emily Morse 47:18 Um, I would say I hear about pe- premature ejaculation more often. But-

Lewis Howes 47:23 What is premature? Is this in a minute? It's five-

Dr. Emily Morse 47:24 Minute, minute or less.

Lewis Howes 47:26 Minute or less?

Dr. Emily Morse 47:26 Yep.

Lewis Howes 47:27 I don't even know how you do that.

Dr. Emily Morse 47:29 Yeah, good. So this isn't your funnel. [laughs]

Lewis Howes 47:31 That's crazy.

Dr. Emily Morse 47:32 Yeah, it's, it's really hard for men.

Lewis Howes 47:34 Especially with the same person for years?

Dr. Emily Morse 47:36 Sucks.

Lewis Howes 47:36 No.

Dr. Emily Morse 47:37 Yeah. Dude, I was with someone... I, I wonder if this is why I do what I do, but when, like a very long time ago, 20 years ago, before I did this, 'cause I didn't, this was my like second career. I, I was with someone, he was like premature ejaculator for like two years. Yeah, it's very common.

Lewis Howes 47:50 Like every couple minute or-

Dr. Emily Morse 47:51 Yeah

Lewis Howes 47:51 ... within the first couple-

Dr. Emily Morse 47:52 Less than two minutes.

Lewis Howes 47:53 Shut up.

Dr. Emily Morse 47:54 Yeah. It's a good-

Lewis Howes 47:55 Every time for two years?

Dr. Emily Morse 47:56 I know. I was focused on other things. [laughs] I wasn't as-

Lewis Howes 47:58 That's crazy

Dr. Emily Morse 47:58 ... I wasn't aware. I'm not, I mean, I was like, I didn't know.

Lewis Howes 48:00 No, but it's, hon- that's crazy.

Dr. Emily Morse 48:02 Yeah. Well, but so it's very common. So w- what was your question about it? Why do you men, oh, is it the why or how do we-

Lewis Howes 48:07 What, what is more common?

Dr. Emily Morse 48:08 Oh, pre-

Lewis Howes 48:08 Premature or delayed?

Dr. Emily Morse 48:09 Premature is more common.

Lewis Howes 48:11 Really?

Dr. Emily Morse 48:11 But I hear more and more delayed lately, too.

Lewis Howes 48:13 Hmm.

Dr. Emily Morse 48:13 And delayed's trickier because they just don't know why. But sometimes they can when they're... You can solve all of it. You can get through all of it.

Lewis Howes 48:20 Right.

Dr. Emily Morse 48:20 We can get into all of it if you want.

Lewis Howes 48:21 What's the, what's the strategy-

Dr. Emily Morse 48:21 We have a lot of good guides. Um, the strategy for which one?

Lewis Howes 48:24 For, uh, premature, what's the strategy that a man and a woman could take on to support it delaying 5 to 10, 15 minutes or longer?

Dr. Emily Morse 48:32 Okay. There's a few things, and we have a great downloadable on our site that's like a- ... pre- a guide to this. It's called the Guide to Edging, and this goes back to mindful masturbation for a minute.

Lewis Howes 48:41 Uh-huh.

Dr. Emily Morse 48:41 Because for many men, so what I would tell men who are premature ejaculators, I would say do some mindful masturbation, meaning you- you need to start to understand your ejaculatory control.

Lewis Howes 48:52 Mm.

Dr. Emily Morse 48:52 So when you're masturbating, 'cause usually men who are premature ejaculators don't have the same problem when they're alone. So one thing I say is to edge yourself, meaning-

Lewis Howes 49:02 When you feel it, hold it back

Dr. Emily Morse 49:03 ... hold it back. You get to a 10.

Lewis Howes 49:05 [laughs]

Dr. Emily Morse 49:05 So 10's orgasm, 1 is I'm sleeping, whatever. Then you get to an eight, and then you bring it back down, and then you keep doing that so you get to sort of start to understand-

Lewis Howes 49:15 It's like training for your orgasm

Dr. Emily Morse 49:15 ... training. It's literally training. Um, men could do strengths in their pelvic floor. Men can also do their Kegels. If you do come too quickly or you c- get there before your partner, you know, a lot of times it's anxiety. It's a pattern. So you know everything is patterning, our respon-

Lewis Howes 49:29 Mm

Dr. Emily Morse 49:29 ... our react- in our life, like how we d- go through life, our reactions to things, our- our traumas. It's all patterns. The same thing happens with your ejaculation. So if you're a guy who maybe it was just one time, it was the first time you had sex, you got there too quick. It might now, you're so nervous the next time you have sex, it keeps happening and hap- we gotta break the pattern.

Lewis Howes 49:48 Or it's the other way. It- it does-

Dr. Emily Morse 49:50 You have-

Lewis Howes 49:50 You hold it for an hour-

Dr. Emily Morse 49:51 ... delayed ejaculation

Lewis Howes 49:52 ... 'cause you're embarrassed or whatever, right?

Dr. Emily Morse 49:53 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 49:53 Yeah.

Dr. Emily Morse 49:53 You're afraid someone's gonna walk in, and you don't ejaculate. So- so this is all also work dealing with your anxiety-

Lewis Howes 49:59 Mm

Dr. Emily Morse 49:59 ... working on like what- what is it. Are you on medications? You know, what's happening? But if you do come, to circle back to that, too quickly, um, just take the attention off yourself and give it to your partner.

Lewis Howes 50:09 Yeah.

Dr. Emily Morse 50:09 I'm sure, like, if you're with a woman, she'd love you to go down on her.

Lewis Howes 50:13 [laughs] Focus on, yeah, focus on her, yeah.

Dr. Emily Morse 50:14 But when we take it off of ourselves and we can kind of, we're giving-

Lewis Howes 50:17 Mm-hmm

Dr. Emily Morse 50:17 ... then you go, "Oh, I can go again," or you know.

Lewis Howes 50:20 Right.

Dr. Emily Morse 50:20 Um-

Lewis Howes 50:21 What's the biggest challenge you've faced in the last 15 years sexually that you've had to overcome?

Dr. Emily Morse 50:25 For me, what have I-

Lewis Howes 50:26 Yeah, personally, the thing you've had to overcome the most that you struggle with sexually.

Dr. Emily Morse 50:30 Oh, God, I struggle with everything. No, I didn't. I was like, "Okay, I'll tell you. How much time do we have, Lewis?"

Lewis Howes 50:35 [laughs]

Dr. Emily Morse 50:37 You know they say research is me-search?

Lewis Howes 50:39 Research is me-search.

Dr. Emily Morse 50:39 I say that. Like, you- you- I believe that we get into, like, you've started this podcast, right-

Lewis Howes 50:44 Mm-hmm

Dr. Emily Morse 50:45 ... to learn from-

Lewis Howes 50:46 Of course, yeah

Dr. Emily Morse 50:46 ... people, right?

Lewis Howes 50:47 Of course.

Dr. Emily Morse 50:48 And I found myself not that satisfied with sex, very, like, confus- I was like, "Well, ah, everyone's always saying when you have sex it's gonna be amazing," and I thought everyone was having orgasms all the time, and I wasn't. And so when I started the podcast, I was not a sex expert. I just was curious, and I invited a bunch of people over and interviewed them about their sex life. And I came to find out that most women weren't orgasming during penetration, and there was like m- you know, all this stuff. So what have I learned is I've learned how to, I have multiple orgasms. So these are like my ch- I could have so many orgasms.

Lewis Howes 51:21 Which before you couldn't.

Dr. Emily Morse 51:22 I could have one.

Lewis Howes 51:23 Right, but now you can have multiple.

Dr. Emily Morse 51:24 Second and many. Yeah. I couldn't have, I never had one with a partner, and now I still-

Lewis Howes 51:29 Never had one with a partner?

Dr. Emily Morse 51:30 No, no, no, sorry. Not, I wasn't as much, maybe just a few times, but during penetration.

Lewis Howes 51:35 Right.

Dr. Emily Morse 51:35 It wasn't as easy, let's just say.

Lewis Howes 51:37 Sure.

Dr. Emily Morse 51:37 It was, it was... But now I know exactly what I need to do-

Lewis Howes 51:41 Mm

Dr. Emily Morse 51:41 ... and how to communicate it, so I think I ca- I got, what I, what I've learned is I'm just b- I'm better at everything, communicating with my partners. I used to just think that sex was about pleasing men. Like, I thought it was about my partner's pleasure, and if they were satisfied, it didn't matter if I was satisfied.

Lewis Howes 51:58 Mm.

Dr. Emily Morse 51:59 And I've just, I've learned all about my body. I've learned, I've done everything that- that I tell people to do I've tried myself and I've worked through, so just being more communicative, more open, more experiential. Um, I won't yuck your yum, you know? Hope someone won't yuck my yum. I, like, that's we say in sex a lot. Like, if I'm like, "Oh, I really like this," if my partner's like, "I really wanna be tied up," I won't be like, "Ew," you know? I'd be like, "Oh, okay, tell me more about that." Because then we're just, we already have so much shame-

Lewis Howes 52:27 Yes

Dr. Emily Morse 52:27 ... and maybe trauma going into sex that we have to just be supportive, loving partners. So I think I'm a much better lover, like giver and receiver. I just, I g- I understand. No one knows anatomy. No one teaches us about anything, you know, so I just, I-

Lewis Howes 52:44 You have to guess and figure it out-

Dr. Emily Morse 52:45 Yeah

Lewis Howes 52:45 ... along the way.

Dr. Emily Morse 52:46 Right. I mean, sex education in America, it's only 17 p- only 17 states require it to be medically accurate, if they teach it at all.

Lewis Howes 52:53 I think I saw, like, one video when I was in middle school-

Dr. Emily Morse 52:56 Yeah

Lewis Howes 52:56 ... or something, and that was it.

Dr. Emily Morse 52:57 Yeah, and it was probably horrifying, like don't get someone pregnant-

Lewis Howes 52:59 Yeah

Dr. Emily Morse 52:59 ... don't get an STD, have a nice life.

Lewis Howes 53:00 Here's how to wear a condom on.

Dr. Emily Morse 53:01 Go have sex. Yeah. That's not, that's not-

Lewis Howes 53:03 And that was it, and it's like, okay, figure it out.

Dr. Emily Morse 53:05 But what if they taught pleasure? What if they taught consent?

Lewis Howes 53:08 Wow. We probably-

Dr. Emily Morse 53:09 It'd be a game-changer.

Lewis Howes 53:11 How does a woman [laughs]

Dr. Emily Morse 53:12 [laughs]

Lewis Howes 53:12 For women who maybe struggle having one orgasm-

Dr. Emily Morse 53:15 Yeah

Lewis Howes 53:15 ... how do they have multiple orgasms? If they're thinking, "Ah, this is never gonna happen for me," never happened for you, but then you learned how to do it.

Dr. Emily Morse 53:22 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 53:22 What's the, what's the process? Is it psychological? Is it-

Dr. Emily Morse 53:25 It's everything

Lewis Howes 53:25 ... feeling? Is it-

Dr. Emily Morse 53:26 Sex is always everything.

Lewis Howes 53:27 Yeah.

Dr. Emily Morse 53:27 It's always, like, psychological and emotional, and you need a good space and hormones. Like, what time of month is it, you know? That's the other thing that we don't... And I cover so much of this. I mean, I've done, as you know, like, probably like you, thousands and thousands of podcasts on all of these subjects, but it's like, so multiple orgasms for women.

Lewis Howes 53:42 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Emily Morse 53:43 Here's the great news, is that women have the- the clitoris, right? And the clitoris has 8,000 nerve endings-

Lewis Howes 53:50 Oh my gosh

Dr. Emily Morse 53:50 ... twice that of a penis, okay? So just take that in for a minute. And the only reason it exists is for pleasure.

Lewis Howes 53:58 No.

Dr. Emily Morse 53:59 Yes.

Lewis Howes 54:00 It doesn't exist for any other reason.

Dr. Emily Morse 54:01 No other reason.

Lewis Howes 54:02 To be pleased.

Dr. Emily Morse 54:03 To be pleased. Well, maybe to give us an incent- maybe it was like-

Lewis Howes 54:06 Mm

Dr. Emily Morse 54:06 ... you know, evolutionary speaking so we would be into sex so we could have pleasure and an orgasm.

Lewis Howes 54:10 Mm.

Dr. Emily Morse 54:11 But also, the- the- the clitoris isn't just about the little, like, bud at the opening of the, the vaginal opening. It actually has legs called crura that extend behind the, internally.

Lewis Howes 54:24 Hm.

Dr. Emily Morse 54:25 So they're sort of, like, where the labia is, they're sort of behind the labia internally. So- so for a woman to have an orgasm, typically it's e- o- external, right? Like, so they're gonna use their fingers or they're gonna use a toy, or their partner's gonna do something to them, go down on them or- And that's a great way to have a first orgasm.

Lewis Howes 54:45 Mm.

Dr. Emily Morse 54:46 And so our refractory period is a lot quicker than men. Refractory period mean time that you can get up and go again. Like, for many men-

Lewis Howes 54:56 Right

Dr. Emily Morse 54:56 ... they ejaculate and they're like, "I'm out."

Lewis Howes 54:58 And you're done. You're tired.

Dr. Emily Morse 54:59 Out.

Lewis Howes 54:59 All the energy's gone.

Dr. Emily Morse 55:00 Done. Like, tomorrow, 24 hour-

Lewis Howes 55:03 Right. [laughs]

Dr. Emily Morse 55:03 ... refractory period. Like, maybe Saturday. For women, if we just, just knowing this, I love this 'cause I just love to give women permission and I, nothing again-

Lewis Howes 55:11 Mm

Dr. Emily Morse 55:11 ... everyone's different, but what I have found is that it's possible. And so then maybe you have an orgasm, uh, whether you're with yourself or a partner, and then you just continue to breathe and maybe you, you, for some women, after they have a, a external org- uh, clitoral orgasm, their, they start to become, their nerve endings inside their, it's, they're, it becomes more engorged, right? More swollen. They're with blood. Their labia, their clitoris internally will start to swell.

Lewis Howes 55:38 Mm.

Dr. Emily Morse 55:38 Because of the, the erectile tissues and everything just start to, to swell and you have more aroused. But maybe it hurts to still cu- you just wanna, need a beat. So then you start to maybe this is when you go and play with the nipples.

Lewis Howes 55:49 Mm.

Dr. Emily Morse 55:49 Or you start to play with your labia. You, you know, use lube, use your fingers, use a toy. There is nothing shameful about toys. It's just ama- if you think about it, if you've 8,000 nerve endings, like, why not... And all these pleasure zones on our body, why not just play with temperature, hot, cold, vibration. So anyway, maybe bringing in a toy.

Lewis Howes 56:09 Mm.

Dr. Emily Morse 56:09 Or touching yourself in a different area because once you've kind of lit that match of the clitoris, of the clitoral ling, everything else is more aroused. The blood's flowing. You're, like, turned on, and so maybe it's a matter of, like, rubbing your labia, bringing in a toy, putting a finger inside, and then you're just breathing. You're breathing through the experience, and you're not already checked out because we talk about patterning. A lot of pe- women assume, like, I'm done, I'm out. Let's go to dinner. But if you give yourself time and permission to see what's possible, it's like a game changer.

Lewis Howes 56:40 Wow.

Dr. Emily Morse 56:40 Like, I have people all the time, I'd say every one who's worked for me, like, I've had so many interns and people over the years and just like-

Lewis Howes 56:47 [laughs] And they're like, "I'm having multiple orgasms."

Dr. Emily Morse 56:48 Oh, yeah. They still text, like, "Guess what? I had a vaginal..." Like, yeah. I mean, that's, because I, I, I be, like, get 50 pounds of sex toys in the office too a week, and I'm like, "Your job is to try this toy."

Lewis Howes 56:57 [laughs]

Dr. Emily Morse 56:57 But they come in and they ask me questions. I really wanna empower women.

Lewis Howes 57:01 Research. Go and see what you can do. Yeah.

Dr. Emily Morse 57:01 We don't, we don't ta- 'cause we don't... Well, first off, not only don't we talk to our partners about it, but we don't even talk to our friends about it. Women, I think-

Lewis Howes 57:09 Really? Women don't talk about it to each other?

Dr. Emily Morse 57:10 Barely. They're like, "I had sex. I didn't have sex."

Lewis Howes 57:12 [clears throat]

Dr. Emily Morse 57:13 But now I think it's changing.

Lewis Howes 57:14 Mm.

Dr. Emily Morse 57:14 What I hope is that it's changing and that more women are talking about masturbation, but if you think about, like, American Pie, like, all the movies growing up, men are masturbating. It's, like, a thing that they do, but women, good women, like-

Lewis Howes 57:25 Right

Dr. Emily Morse 57:25 ... don't. I- or, or we grew up in a religion where it was shamed. You're not supposed to masturbate.

Lewis Howes 57:30 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Emily Morse 57:31 So, but, but with masturbation is the key, is the key to figuring out your body and what feels good. Like, whether it's mindful or you hit it and quit it, I don't care how you do it, but masturbation is just important whether you're in a relationship or out of a relationship because that's... So that's what I learned in 15 years. I masturbated, but I didn't really, like, do the discovery process, and now I just sort of, I get it. I know.

Lewis Howes 57:53 Mm.

Dr. Emily Morse 57:53 Like, we are all walking around in these incredible bodies with so much possibility, and we just scratch the surface.

Lewis Howes 58:00 Right.

Dr. Emily Morse 58:00 We don't even know.

Lewis Howes 58:01 Why-

Dr. Emily Morse 58:01 No one tells us

Lewis Howes 58:02 ...

Lewis Howes 58:02 why do you think religions or parents have made masturbation a bad thing for kids and people?

Dr. Emily Morse 58:09 I mean, religion, I don't even... I mean, that's just because, you know, I think, control over women's bodies and energy and, and it should only be for, for procreation. And I mean-

Lewis Howes 58:22 Mm

Dr. Emily Morse 58:22 ... there's, I mean, it goes back, I think, so much about sex and religion are tied up, and you would know more than I would, 'cause I know you grew up in a, I mean, I don't know what your le- I mean, I do, I mean, I do know. I do know that it's just, like, it's control.

Lewis Howes 58:35 Mm.

Dr. Emily Morse 58:35 So saying that you can only have sex in a way that it can have more kids that are gonna benefit the church or that, you know, that sex is sinful and wrong, and I think if you go back to, like, Adam and Eve, like, Eve was a temptress. Like, she made him bi- bite the apple, and that, like, that's her fault, right?

Lewis Howes 58:48 Right.

Dr. Emily Morse 58:48 So I feel like a lot of it goes back to shaming women and our bodies and the, the whole, the goddess and the, there's, there's a lot of reasons why. Now fam- parents, though, I could talk about. We don't have to get into religion. But parents, what I can tell you is it's because they don't know either. So here's the-

Lewis Howes 59:05 They don't understand it, so they're scared of it or they're-

Dr. Emily Morse 59:07 Yeah. They think it's wrong or, "Oh, God, my kids, when I try to talk to my 15-year-old about sex, they just go, 'Oh, Mom, I don't wanna hear it.'" But, like, that's because we don't do it. We don't ever talk about it, but there's only, there's a few countries, like in the Netherlands, um, not many, where they, they actually ta- start teaching consent-

Lewis Howes 59:26 Mm

Dr. Emily Morse 59:26 ... and sex ed when kids are five. They're not saying, "Go out and have sex. Here's what you do." It's like, "Your body, your temple. Consent. Here's the body parts." They even teach them, like, in third grade, if you start to get feelings for somebody of the opposite sex, they talk about it. They talk about orgasm and pleasure.

Lewis Howes 59:41 They normalize it.

Dr. Emily Morse 59:41 They normalize it.

Lewis Howes 59:42 Yeah.

Dr. Emily Morse 59:42 We don't normalize it.

Lewis Howes 59:42 They don't make it this, like, scary thing.

Dr. Emily Morse 59:44 We make it really scary. And so our parents, our parents of kids are, they don't understand either. But I've had a lot of great breakthroughs. A lot of my listeners are like, "I finally did it. I talked to my daughter. I talked to my son. It was weird." B- but 'cause it's okay for a parent to say, "You know what? My parents didn't talk to me about it. This conversation is uncomfortable for me too, and I'm still discovering and learning, but, um, I wanna tell you, like, here's how your body works," or, "I'm, wanna listen to this podcast and read this book together."

Lewis Howes 1:00:12 Mm.

Dr. Emily Morse 1:00:12 "Let's learn together." It's not shameful. You know, it just-

Lewis Howes 1:00:16 [laughs]

Dr. Emily Morse 1:00:16 We're, we're setting kids up not for s- we're not setting them up for success.

Lewis Howes 1:00:20 Yeah.

Dr. Emily Morse 1:00:21 Sex success. Success.

Lewis Howes 1:00:22 Sex success. Sex success.

Lewis Howes 1:00:24 What's one thing you wish men would understand about their female partner, uh-

Dr. Emily Morse 1:00:32 Okay

Lewis Howes 1:00:32 ... more, and one thing you wish women would understand about their, if they're in a female-male relationship-

Dr. Emily Morse 1:00:37 That's a good question

Lewis Howes 1:00:38 ... that would help them thrive better and, and be more compassionate and loving and...

Dr. Emily Morse 1:00:43 Such a good question. Okay. One thing. I think that men, I wanna tell men- That she comes first. Um, there's two things that popped in my head, I'll tell you.

Lewis Howes 1:00:57 [laughs] Right. Literally she comes first?

Dr. Emily Morse 1:00:59 Literally she comes first.

Lewis Howes 1:01:00 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Emily Morse 1:01:00 There was a wonderful book written by Dr. Ian Kerner, I think it just had its 20-year anniversary, and it's called She Comes First. Because men are gonna orgasm.

Lewis Howes 1:01:09 And then they're done.

Dr. Emily Morse 1:01:10 Women- They're done.

Lewis Howes 1:01:11 Yeah.

Dr. Emily Morse 1:01:12 Women are s- Let's think of it this way. Women are slow cookers and men are frying pans. You get aroused, you're ready to go. Women have more of a responsive desire. Respon- we respond, we need to be warmed up. You gotta heat us up.

Lewis Howes 1:01:25 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Emily Morse 1:01:25 You, foreplay. Foreplay's not just like a light suggestion. It's actually a requirement for many women. Again, we're all different, but we wanna, whether it's even words or I needed a massage or a bath first, like we have to take a while to get warmed up. So I would say that, um, figure out... So that's just, I mean, she comes first is, is, because you're gonna, it's gonna come back to you. Like, the more that you understand-

Lewis Howes 1:01:47 The more you turn her on-

Dr. Emily Morse 1:01:48 ... her body-

Lewis Howes 1:01:48 ... she's gonna wanna, yeah

Dr. Emily Morse 1:01:48 ... she's gonna come back. She's not gonna be like, "Oh, I'm not gonna please you." And I think just the way you look at, this is, this is where I can say that we are very different. The way we get aroused is different for men and women. So I would say, um, the one thing I want you to know is that she's, you gotta focus on, you know-

Lewis Howes 1:02:04 Her first

Dr. Emily Morse 1:02:04 ... understand. Yeah. I think I would, yeah, I mean, that's a, what else do you gotta understand?

Lewis Howes 1:02:08 It would make things a lot better, yeah. Okay.

Dr. Emily Morse 1:02:10 And just, yeah, focus on her first and then find out, like, what, what turns her on and talk about it. Okay, so-

Lewis Howes 1:02:15 And then for women?

Dr. Emily Morse 1:02:17 I think for women, what do women, what do men need from women?

Lewis Howes 1:02:20 What do men want and need more from women that you're hearing they're not getting?

Dr. Emily Morse 1:02:26 I think that men need more attention. They want you to, this is again, we're talking heterosexual relationships.

Lewis Howes 1:02:32 Yes.

Dr. Emily Morse 1:02:32 They wanna know that you're into sex. They want you to initiate, they want you to lead sometimes, and they want you to, to be a c- you know, I guess I'm just thinking about men who come to me, usually it's about their penis, they're worried about their penis size. They're g- going through all the things.

Lewis Howes 1:02:49 Really?

Dr. Emily Morse 1:02:49 And then the pro- yeah, they're worried about, they're so, men worry so much-

Lewis Howes 1:02:52 Insecure about it?

Dr. Emily Morse 1:02:52 ... about their penis. Yes.

Lewis Howes 1:02:54 Really?

Dr. Emily Morse 1:02:54 Yes. And I'm telling you that women do not, if y- It's 'cause remember what I said, not about your penis. If you're a good lover-

Lewis Howes 1:03:01 Mm

Dr. Emily Morse 1:03:01 ... and you do all these things, it's really not about that. So I think that what men need is, I think they wanna know that their partner's into sex, that s- that she's not just doing it to get it over with.

Lewis Howes 1:03:12 Mm.

Dr. Emily Morse 1:03:12 That she's actually enthusiastic and that she cares and she cares about his pleasure and, and that sometimes maybe she'll, you know, initiate or have ideas about it or... What do you think? I'm trying to think. It's a great question because mostly it's about men worried about theirself, themselves.

Lewis Howes 1:03:28 Mm.

Dr. Emily Morse 1:03:28 But they need attention from women and enthusiasm and participation.

Lewis Howes 1:03:32 I think so. Yeah. I mean, I'm trying to think. I mean, I feel, I feel pretty good in my relationship right now.

Dr. Emily Morse 1:03:38 [laughs]

Lewis Howes 1:03:38 I'm trying to think of past relationships that weren't working sexually maybe, but... And then I've also not been, like, married in a long term after, you know, a few years in a relationship, so I'm not sure what that looks like 10 years down the road once you've had kids and-

Dr. Emily Morse 1:03:53 Yeah

Lewis Howes 1:03:53 ... what the needs are. I feel like they're gonna shift a lot at that point.

Dr. Emily Morse 1:03:55 Yeah. But that's why I want people to get ahead of it-

Lewis Howes 1:03:57 Yeah

Dr. Emily Morse 1:03:57 ... because if sex, talking about sex becomes just like you're talking about where are we going on our summer vacation-

Lewis Howes 1:04:03 Mm

Dr. Emily Morse 1:04:03 ... how are we gonna raise our kids, what religion, what are our values, sex becomes part of it so it's not awkward. It's just like, "Oh, babe, yeah, we haven't had sex in a while. Let's do..." Like you just, it just becomes part of everything. Like, when you're not feeling like you're taking care of yourself nutritionally, you're like, "I gotta get better."

Lewis Howes 1:04:18 Right.

Dr. Emily Morse 1:04:18 "I gotta eat more greens." You know? So that's, I feel like we could get ahead of it if we covered it, we don't wait until there's a crisis.

Lewis Howes 1:04:24 And is there anything we shouldn't say when we're courting someone, uh, in the first few weeks of dating them? Is there anything we should not talk about when it comes to sex? Should we not say in the first night, "You know, this is my sexual fantasy. Are you either in or you out?"

Dr. Emily Morse 1:04:38 Depends on the partner. I think that sometimes, okay, so where we're at now in today in 2020, I think that since I'm telling you that most people have never talked about sex, and they probably have some judgment around it and shame and it's hard for them or trauma, that if you just met someone and you're out for a first date and you're like, "I just wanna be clear that I, this is my fantasy and I'm really into bondage. Are you down?" Now, that might... Okay, so it could go two ways. You might, it might be great, 'cause if you're with someone who freaks out and she runs out the door-

Lewis Howes 1:05:11 It's good

Dr. Emily Morse 1:05:11 ... listen, she's saving you a lot of time.

Lewis Howes 1:05:14 A lot of time.

Dr. Emily Morse 1:05:14 If you brought it up, it's probably 'cause that's something you really need. But I think, like everything, it's like some people have, like, overshare, they do too much.

Lewis Howes 1:05:23 [laughs]

Dr. Emily Morse 1:05:23 I just think baby steps is okay.

Lewis Howes 1:05:25 Yeah.

Dr. Emily Morse 1:05:25 So I think it's okay to say, "You know, are you someone that, do you like pleasure?"

Lewis Howes 1:05:30 Mm.

Dr. Emily Morse 1:05:30 "Do you like sex? Do you..." You know? But I don't know that you lead, just like, I don't think on the first date I should get into all my, like, trauma, my childhood stuff.

Lewis Howes 1:05:37 Mm.

Dr. Emily Morse 1:05:37 Like, let's get to...

Lewis Howes 1:05:37 [laughs]

Dr. Emily Morse 1:05:38 It's not like... You know what I'm saying? We wanna ba- like everything, you gotta, like, get to know somebody.

Lewis Howes 1:05:43 Yeah.

Dr. Emily Morse 1:05:43 But I, I don't know what it wouldn't be, but I think, I think, I think mostly we don't even talk about it. This is the problem, is that we... I don't know what you shouldn't say. I hate to, like, tell people... I don't know. I think-

Lewis Howes 1:05:57 You gotta feel it out

Dr. Emily Morse 1:05:57 ... be honest.

Lewis Howes 1:05:58 Yeah, you gotta feel it out.

Dr. Emily Morse 1:05:58 Feel it out, but don't wait too long. I think that right when you have sex though with someone is the time to start talking about it.

Lewis Howes 1:06:04 Yeah.

Dr. Emily Morse 1:06:04 "So how was that? What do you think?" Like, what-

Lewis Howes 1:06:06 What did you like more of? Do you want-

Dr. Emily Morse 1:06:07 Yeah. I feel like-

Lewis Howes 1:06:08 What did you not like?

Dr. Emily Morse 1:06:08 ... seemed like when we were having sex you were about to orgasm, but did you, how much, tell me what you, like, a, what, what feels good to you. Did you like when I was doing that?" Not in the bedroom. This is, like, the next morning at breakfast.

Lewis Howes 1:06:17 Not right afterwards when-

Dr. Emily Morse 1:06:18 "How was that for you? I thought it was so hot when you were-

Lewis Howes 1:06:20 Mm

Dr. Emily Morse 1:06:21 ... doing this thing, and that felt like, it felt good. Did that feel good?" I mean, just-

Lewis Howes 1:06:25 But not in the bed right at five minutes afterwards.

Dr. Emily Morse 1:06:27 Not in the bed. No, I prefer-

Lewis Howes 1:06:27 Someone's gonna get hurt or s- or emotionally-

Dr. Emily Morse 1:06:29 I think so. I think they do.

Lewis Howes 1:06:31 Smart.

Dr. Emily Morse 1:06:31 They do. I know so, but, I mean, it depends. If you're in a long-term solid place, you guys get to decide. I'm just giving you what I've-

Lewis Howes 1:06:38 Yeah

Dr. Emily Morse 1:06:38 ... seen has worked over all these years.

Lewis Howes 1:06:40 We've got an amazing show, Sex With Emily-

Dr. Emily Morse 1:06:41 [laughs]

Lewis Howes 1:06:42 ... that talks about all these things and has lots of great questions from listeners calling in. You also have a MasterClass.

Dr. Emily Morse 1:06:47 MasterClass, yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:06:48 That just came out-

Dr. Emily Morse 1:06:49 Mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 1:06:49 ... that people need to get.

Dr. Emily Morse 1:06:50 So yeah, we have a couples course coming out- In February

Lewis Howes 1:06:53 What's it called?

Dr. Emily Morse 1:06:54 It's called, I, it's ca- I don't know what it's called yet, but it's really like all these conversation starters for couples

Lewis Howes 1:06:59 Mm

Dr. Emily Morse 1:06:59 It's exercises for couples to, wherever you're at, it's a lot of the things I'm talking about, like, to set the spark. Like, it's, at first co- uncovering all your roadblocks. Like, what are the three areas where you're not communicating? Clearing those out, and then you get, I walk you through how to communicate about sex. Like, it's just got all these different steps in it.

Lewis Howes 1:07:17 Yeah.

Dr. Emily Morse 1:07:17 There's, it's like my best stuff in there. I'm very excited about it.

Lewis Howes 1:07:20 Ooh, excited.

Dr. Emily Morse 1:07:20 I don't have a title for you. It is, it is.

Lewis Howes 1:07:22 Great.

Dr. Emily Morse 1:07:22 But also on my site right now, which we have a bunch of downloadables, which is guides-

Lewis Howes 1:07:26 Quizzes, guides

Dr. Emily Morse 1:07:27 ... quizzes, everything. Great guides.

Lewis Howes 1:07:28 Tools.

Dr. Emily Morse 1:07:29 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:07:29 All free. Your stuff's free off your site.

Dr. Emily Morse 1:07:31 All free.

Lewis Howes 1:07:31 Sexwithemily.com.

Dr. Emily Morse 1:07:32 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 1:07:33 The podcast is Sex With Emily. The MasterClass, what's the MasterClass called?

Dr. Emily Morse 1:07:37 It's called Emily Morse Teaches Sex and Communication.

Lewis Howes 1:07:39 Ooh, let's bring it.

Dr. Emily Morse 1:07:41 And then I have a, a show on SiriusXM five nights a week-

Lewis Howes 1:07:44 That's right

Dr. Emily Morse 1:07:44 ... which is separate.

Lewis Howes 1:07:45 You're a machine.

Dr. Emily Morse 1:07:45 Five to-

Lewis Howes 1:07:45 You're doing a lot

Dr. Emily Morse 1:07:46 ... I'm a fucking machine. 5:00 to 7:00 PM, Monday through Friday. It's live. It's the only call-in show for, about sex, I mean, about anything.

Lewis Howes 1:07:53 I'm serious-

Dr. Emily Morse 1:07:53 I literally drive to-

Lewis Howes 1:07:54 And then you have a podcast that's different

Dr. Emily Morse 1:07:55 ... separate.

Lewis Howes 1:07:55 Yeah. Wow.

Dr. Emily Morse 1:07:57 I'm busy.

Lewis Howes 1:07:58 Books, everything.

Dr. Emily Morse 1:07:58 It might be different when this come, I mean, I'm, I don't know what's gonna happen.

Lewis Howes 1:08:01 Who knows what will happen, but yeah.

Dr. Emily Morse 1:08:01 We negotiate my, my contract's up, so I'm like, who knows?

Lewis Howes 1:08:04 Try to figure it out, yeah. But lots of things over at sexwithemily.com. You can get access to that. I got a couple final questions for you.

Dr. Emily Morse 1:08:11 Okay. And people can also email me with questions.

Lewis Howes 1:08:13 You-

Dr. Emily Morse 1:08:13 Feedback@sex, feedback@sexwithemily.com

Lewis Howes 1:08:14 Can they get on your show by asking questions somewhere?

Dr. Emily Morse 1:08:16 Yeah, they can call in.

Lewis Howes 1:08:17 They call in.

Dr. Emily Morse 1:08:17 So they call into my Sirius show, and then now we also do it... So just call in-

Lewis Howes 1:08:22 Mm-hmm

Dr. Emily Morse 1:08:22 ... and, or email me. They call into Sirius, and then we can put that, as soon as we put those into the podcast and they, just go to my website and you'll see how you do it.

Lewis Howes 1:08:29 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Emily Morse 1:08:29 But they can call or email or social media, you know. I get hundreds of questions a day.

Lewis Howes 1:08:34 Hmm, that's amazing.

Dr. Emily Morse 1:08:34 Everywhere.

Lewis Howes 1:08:35 That's fun.

Dr. Emily Morse 1:08:36 Yes. Super fun.

Lewis Howes 1:08:36 That's fun. Uh-

Dr. Emily Morse 1:08:38 I love my job

Lewis Howes 1:08:39 ... couple, what do you wish more people asked you that they don't ask you?

Dr. Emily Morse 1:08:42 About sex?

Lewis Howes 1:08:43 Uh-huh.

Dr. Emily Morse 1:08:44 Huh. That's a good question. What do I wish?

Lewis Howes 1:08:47 What's something people should be asking more of that they're not?

Dr. Emily Morse 1:08:49 I wish people... Oh, that's, that's a great way to put it. I think that people should be asking about, I wish that people got more curious. Sometimes we, we just put, people always call in, like, my partner. They're blaming others, and I wish that people got more curious about-

Lewis Howes 1:09:04 They look in the mirror first.

Dr. Emily Morse 1:09:05 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:09:05 Yeah.

Dr. Emily Morse 1:09:05 I wish people got more curious about themselves.

Lewis Howes 1:09:07 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Emily Morse 1:09:08 And they weren't trying to fix other people, but they were looking-

Lewis Howes 1:09:10 He won't do this. She doesn't do this. They don't do this. It's like-

Dr. Emily Morse 1:09:13 Yeah

Lewis Howes 1:09:13 ... take a look in the mirror.

Dr. Emily Morse 1:09:14 Exactly.

Lewis Howes 1:09:15 Right? Yeah.

Dr. Emily Morse 1:09:15 Yeah, I wish we started there.

Lewis Howes 1:09:17 That's good.

Dr. Emily Morse 1:09:17 And I wish that people just thought more about their own pleasure, because if we all understand our bodies, we're much better lovers to each other.

Lewis Howes 1:09:25 Hmm, that's good. Uh, this question's called the three truths. I ask everyone at the end this question. So it's a hypothetical question.

Dr. Emily Morse 1:09:32 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 1:09:32 Imagine it's your last day on earth many years away from now. Uh, you get to live as long as you wanna live, but then at one point, you gotta turn the lights off-

Dr. Emily Morse 1:09:40 Mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 1:09:40 ... and you gotta go to the next place. And you've accomplished everything you want to accomplish. You've transformed millions of lives sexually, in their relationships. You've done all the books, the podcasts, everything you wanna do, it's happened. Uh, but for whatever reason, you've gotta take all of your content with you.

Dr. Emily Morse 1:09:58 Hmm.

Lewis Howes 1:09:58 All of your written word, audio, video, it has to go to the next place. So no one has access to any of more of this information. None of it. It's gone. Hypothetical, okay?

Dr. Emily Morse 1:10:06 Okay.

Lewis Howes 1:10:07 Uh, but you get to leave behind three things you know to be true from the, the lessons you've learned in life. Three lessons-

Dr. Emily Morse 1:10:14 Hmm

Lewis Howes 1:10:14 ... that you would share with the world based on your experience.

Dr. Emily Morse 1:10:17 [laughs]

Lewis Howes 1:10:17 What would you say are those three things for you?

Dr. Emily Morse 1:10:19 Hmm. About my work? The three things are-

Lewis Howes 1:10:22 About, or just about life. Like, three lessons you've learned.

Dr. Emily Morse 1:10:24 Oh, just in life?

Lewis Howes 1:10:24 Yeah. What are the three biggest lessons you've learned that you would wanna leave behind?

Dr. Emily Morse 1:10:28 This is hard. Uh, wherever you go, there you are, 'cause you, [laughs] you like things like that. Like, uh, that's not my own, but is this about se- wait, you're saying about me?

Lewis Howes 1:10:38 Anything. No, any lessons you've learned.

Dr. Emily Morse 1:10:38 I just feel like that's a thing.

Lewis Howes 1:10:39 Yeah.

Dr. Emily Morse 1:10:39 Like, you kind of pull, like, a geographic or move around that, like, lessons in your life, like, wherever you-

Lewis Howes 1:10:44 Yeah

Dr. Emily Morse 1:10:44 ... are, we are the same, you know?

Lewis Howes 1:10:47 Mm-hmm.

Dr. Emily Morse 1:10:47 Figure out your own stuff where you're at.

Lewis Howes 1:10:48 Yeah.

Dr. Emily Morse 1:10:49 Um, mindfulness works. Meditation works. Like, don't fuck around, just do it. To me, that is a game changer, and that so much, if you, your mind will control you if you don't learn to-

Lewis Howes 1:11:01 Hmm

Dr. Emily Morse 1:11:01 ... understand your mind.

Lewis Howes 1:11:02 That's true. That's powerful. Okay, number three.

Dr. Emily Morse 1:11:06 I would just be able to prioritize their pleasure, really. Like, like, pleasure, pleasure is your birthright.

Lewis Howes 1:11:11 Hmm.

Dr. Emily Morse 1:11:11 And we all deserve to have pleasure. And we, we, we prioritize so many other things, work, family, home, and usually we put ourselves last, so.

Lewis Howes 1:11:21 That's a good one. I've never heard that one, prioritize your pleasure.

Dr. Emily Morse 1:11:24 Yeah. It's my mission statement.

Lewis Howes 1:11:26 Is it really?

Dr. Emily Morse 1:11:26 Prioritize your ple- yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:11:27 That's great.

Dr. Emily Morse 1:11:27 Pleasure positive. Prioritize your pleasure. I'm all about pleasure because we don't, especially now, we need more pleasure, and we, we're like, "Well, I'll get to that once I finish this-

Lewis Howes 1:11:36 Hmm

Dr. Emily Morse 1:11:36 ... and what, then I deserve sex, or then I deserve..." I mean, it can be pleasure however you look at it. But I would say, yeah, prioritize your pleasure and, um, yeah. Because it, it matters, and if we don't have that, then we're just fucking working and dead. We're just dead. We're dead. Put that first. That one should be first.

Lewis Howes 1:11:51 That should be the first one. Yeah, yeah.

Dr. Emily Morse 1:11:52 Well, if you were, don't you feel good when you want pleasure in your life? Whatever that is.

Lewis Howes 1:11:55 Yeah.

Dr. Emily Morse 1:11:56 Like, what does that look like for you, you know? You just-

Lewis Howes 1:11:59 Yeah, and I think of just joy in general. Like, having a-

Dr. Emily Morse 1:12:01 Joy

Lewis Howes 1:12:01 ... joyful life is pleasure for me.

Dr. Emily Morse 1:12:04 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 1:12:04 Doesn't have to be sexual, but that's nice, too.

Dr. Emily Morse 1:12:06 Yeah. I, I'm not just talking about s- 'cause you said not just sex, right?

Lewis Howes 1:12:09 Yeah, yeah.

Dr. Emily Morse 1:12:10 I could give you my three sex lessons, but those-

Lewis Howes 1:12:12 [laughs]

Dr. Emily Morse 1:12:12 ... I think I already did.

Lewis Howes 1:12:14 Sure. This is great, though.

Dr. Emily Morse 1:12:15 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 1:12:15 Uh, one final question for you, Emily.

Dr. Emily Morse 1:12:17 Uh-huh.

Lewis Howes 1:12:17 Before I ask it, I wanna acknowledge you for a moment for the mission you're on. I think so many people are suffering from-

Dr. Emily Morse 1:12:24 They are

Lewis Howes 1:12:25 ... a lack of sex education, a lack of sexual healing, uh, sexual shame, sexual misunderstanding, and just hurt and pain around sex.

Dr. Emily Morse 1:12:36 So much.

Lewis Howes 1:12:37 And the fact that you've dedicated your life to this for 15 years, and you show up every week for men and women and all human beings to help them solve this problem is such a massive gift. And so even though, uh, this isn't something that we talk about a lot-

Dr. Emily Morse 1:12:54 Mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 1:12:54 ... on the podcast, I thought it was necessary to, to have you here and really help people. Even if this helps one person listening-

Dr. Emily Morse 1:13:01 Yeah

Lewis Howes 1:13:01 ... it's worth it From unlocking their shame and their pain to having some type of healing. I know there's a famous song, Sexual Healing.

Dr. Emily Morse 1:13:09 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 1:13:09 But it's, you know, it's, it's important for people that have been-

Dr. Emily Morse 1:13:12 Yeah

Lewis Howes 1:13:13 ... locked in a prison of their sexual shame. So I acknowledge you for making the uncomfortable-

Dr. Emily Morse 1:13:18 [laughs]

Lewis Howes 1:13:19 ... more comfortable.

Dr. Emily Morse 1:13:20 Right? It wasn't so bad. [laughs]

Lewis Howes 1:13:21 For, yeah, for, uh, being able to communicate it in ways that people can understand it, for being able to create tools and trainings and free things and podcasts-

Dr. Emily Morse 1:13:29 Mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 1:13:30 ... and shows and classes so people can consume it. And, uh, I think it's great that you're, that you're doing it.

Dr. Emily Morse 1:13:35 Aw.

Lewis Howes 1:13:35 So I appreciate that.

Dr. Emily Morse 1:13:36 Thank you, Lewis.

Lewis Howes 1:13:37 Of course. Of course.

Dr. Emily Morse 1:13:38 Thanks for having me.

Lewis Howes 1:13:39 Yeah.

Dr. Emily Morse 1:13:39 I'm super proud about you and all the work you're doing, too. People love you. You are inspiring so many people, and you do the same exact stuff, but if, if, you know, around, around everything.

Lewis Howes 1:13:48 Yeah.

Dr. Emily Morse 1:13:48 I love the way you interview, too. It's just very listenable and there's always... You're just, you're patient.

Lewis Howes 1:13:53 All right.

Dr. Emily Morse 1:13:53 You're good at this stuff.

Lewis Howes 1:13:54 I appreciate it.

Dr. Emily Morse 1:13:54 You're good at this.

Lewis Howes 1:13:55 I appreciate it. I appreciate it.

Dr. Emily Morse 1:13:56 Um, but can I say one more thing? You can edit this or not.

Lewis Howes 1:13:58 Go ahead. Yeah.

Dr. Emily Morse 1:13:58 Is that-

Lewis Howes 1:13:58 And I have one more question, too

Dr. Emily Morse 1:13:59 ... is that you just taught me about, you were saying about hopefully this will help one person. I'm gonna say that I think that since we don't look at this part, I believe that when we heal ourselves sexually, whatever that looks like, we will heal so many other parts of our life.

Lewis Howes 1:14:12 Right.

Dr. Emily Morse 1:14:12 Sometimes we think that there's other things wrong, but we are, we are holding on to stuff. And once we kind of get into it, and that's why the MasterClass is great for that or my site, wherever, podcast, you'll realize that, like, this was the problem all along, but since no one's pointing it out-

Lewis Howes 1:14:26 Mm

Dr. Emily Morse 1:14:26 ... they're like, "I should change my diet. I should do that." You're like, what about, how, what's your relationship to yourself-

Lewis Howes 1:14:31 Ooh

Dr. Emily Morse 1:14:31 ... and your body and your self-image? And, and once you heal that, you know, more pleasure.

Lewis Howes 1:14:38 That's good. Yeah.

Dr. Emily Morse 1:14:40 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:14:40 Uh, final question for you. What's your definition of greatness?

Dr. Emily Morse 1:14:43 Oh, my definition of greatness is, um, be kind and work hard and stick with s- stick with your beliefs, surround yourself with good people, communicate your mission, give as much as you receive. In fact, give more than you receive.

Lewis Howes 1:14:59 Mm.

Dr. Emily Morse 1:14:59 That's great, great, greatness. Good person.

Lewis Howes 1:15:02 There you go.

Dr. Emily Morse 1:15:03 [laughs]

Lewis Howes 1:15:03 Emily Morse, thank you so much. Appreciate it.

Dr. Emily Morse 1:15:04 Thank you for having me.

Lewis Howes 1:15:06 Appreciate it.

Dr. Emily Morse 1:15:06 It's good to see you.

Lewis Howes 1:15:08 If you're looking for more greatness in your life, make sure to check out this video right here. And also, check out our free PDF, The 3 Secrets to Unlock the Power of Your Mind to Help You Change Your Life. Download it right here. I wanna be the most understanding, compassionate, loving partner I can be who doesn't inhibit or limit my partner, who supports them-