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Lewis HowesIf You're SINGLE & Want To Find Love, WATCH THIS! | Stephan Speaks
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Chapter summaries
Relationships Under Strain in 2020: Breakups and Connection
Lewis Howes asks whether 2020 is strengthening or breaking couples. Stephan Speaks says there are more breakups because distractions that let people tolerate partners are gone, and he explains that connection brings chemistry while chemistry alone can come and go.
- •Stephan sees more breakups and divorces because COVID exposed relationships that relied on distractions
- •He says people with real connection weren't complaining about COVID
- •Lack of fit, not a flaw in either person, is the issue
- •Connection is either there or not, while chemistry is fluid like a sports team's
Why People Stay Single: Accepting What the Opposite Sex Needs
Stephan says singles have something to adjust, chiefly refusing to accept what the other gender wants in a partner. He gives examples for men and women and discusses the "take me at my worst" mindset.
- •The "take me as I am, flaws and all" attitude keeps people stuck or settling
- •A man wanting to lead should accept leading financially
- •A woman wanting an alpha man must tap into her femininity
- •Partners should be brought your best, not constant drama and stress
- •Lewis says his girlfriend keeps him to a high standard
Tools for Couples in Hard Times: Letters and a Day of Us Time
Lewis asks what tools couples can use when both partners are stressed and overwhelmed. Stephan recommends writing letters for effective communication and setting aside one day a week free of problem talk.
- •Communication is number one, but verbal talks can derail into defensiveness and old issues
- •Letters let the writer set tone and the receiver listen to understand rather than rebut
- •Pick one day a week with no discussion of issues
- •Constantly discussing tough times puts a wedge between partners
Knowing Instantly: Connection vs. Attachment
Asked when you know someone could be a long-term partner, Stephan says it's instant and that months-long "love" is often tolerance or attachment to an investment. He describes the feeling as the spirit recognizing its match.
- •Society has brainwashed us into thinking love takes time
- •Months of investment can be mistaken for love
- •People with real connection say they felt something different on the first date
- •Stephan believes the spirit knows before the mind does
- •Intuition requires no logic, while fear relies on logical deduction
Healing Before Love: Fear, Sabotage, and Right Person, Wrong Time
Stephan explains that unhealed hurt makes connection frightening and leads to self-sabotage. He discusses right person, wrong time, running back to exes, and why sex can derail healing.
- •Fear from past hurt is the number one reason people struggle to accept connection
- •Unhealed people may run, cheat, or return to an ex who feels safer
- •There is such a thing as right person, wrong time
- •Healing while having sex on the side is highly unlikely, as sex can be a coping mechanism
How to Heal and Know You're Ready
Stephan explains how to start healing, including the "who hurt me" list from his book Love After Heartbreak, and the value of sending letters. He says readiness shows when vulnerability no longer scares you and negative beliefs are gone.
- •A therapist or coach should resolve, not just help you cope
- •The first step is a "who hurt me" list with two sentences on each person
- •Stephan usually advises sending the letter, and shares a story of a woman and her mother
- •You're ready when vulnerability no longer scares you
- •Beliefs like "all men are dogs" must be dropped
Inner Dialogue, Energy, and Healing
Lewis asks how much inner language matters for attracting a partner. Stephan says your thoughts shape the energy you give off, and unhealed people keep attracting negativity while healed people sense others' spirits more easily.
- •Words and thoughts dictate your energy, whatever face you put on
- •Negative energy may attract sex but not commitment
- •Unhealed people may be drawn to wounded partners
- •Healing lets you see past facades
Online Dating Dos and Don'ts
Stephan says people should drop the stigma around online dating and argues most profiles are poor. He gives tips on presenting value, using several recent photos including a full-body one, and avoiding negativity.
- •Online dating is a convenient tool, especially in 2020
- •Don't make the profile all about what you want; present your value
- •Use three to four current photos, including one full-body shot
- •Avoid a negative tone, especially if seeking a serious relationship
- •Paid sites may draw more relationship-minded men
Making the First Move and Opening Lines
Stephan encourages women to message the men they like, saying a simple hello or emoji is enough. For men, he suggests an opening line referencing something in her profile.
- •Women sending first messages makes it easier to find desired candidates
- •A simple hello or emoji is enough if he is interested
- •Men should reference something from her profile to show they read it
- •Standing out from generic openers creates natural conversation
- •Responses in the first few messages signal interest
Matchmakers, and Connection vs. Chemistry vs. Compatibility
Stephan says matchmakers can spot compatibility but not connection, then defines the three terms. He argues that connection plus chemistry matters most, that compatibility is unnecessary, and that connection can't be created.
- •Matchmakers can spot compatibility, but connection is deeper and needs observing the pair interact
- •Compatibility is fitting traits, chemistry is flowing together, connection is either there or not
- •Connection brings chemistry but not necessarily compatibility
- •People who choose partners on paper often end up miserable
- •Differences in connected couples balance like yin and yang
Sex Early On, and Lewis's Story with Jeanette
Stephan says sex on the first date can lead to a lasting relationship, but waiting is the safer choice. Lewis shares how he met his girlfriend online, and they discuss how men and women approach early sex differently.
- •Stephan notes men often don't take seriously a woman who had sex on the first date
- •Waiting costs nothing and helps confirm connection
- •Lewis describes a month of FaceTime calls and instant chemistry on meeting
- •Lewis says past relationships had attraction but not this connection
- •Stephan says women are more in their heads about early sex
Rebound Relationships and the Golden Rule
Stephan says rebounds can work because healing depends on the work done, not time passed. His golden rule is that a new partner must surpass the strongest feelings you've had for anyone before.
- •Healing is about the work, not the time
- •A new partner must surpass whoever you had the strongest feelings for
- •The filet mignon versus Spam analogy for settling
- •Test: would you be rattled if the stronger-feelings person returned?
Self-Love vs. Self-Absorption and Five Self-Love Practices
Stephan distinguishes self-love from self-absorption, then lists five practices: eating right, sleep, boundaries, doing things you enjoy, and prayer and meditation. He says love is the same whether for yourself or a partner.
- •Self-absorption is selfishness; self-love allows compromise and consideration
- •Eat well and get quality sleep
- •Set boundaries when drained
- •Schedule enjoyable activities and play money
- •Start the morning with prayer or meditation, not the phone
Ending a Relationship and Effective Communication
Stephan says a relationship is over when one or both partners won't do the necessary work. He names effective communication as the key skill and illustrates it with the towel story, adding that the principles apply to all relationships.
- •A relationship is over when someone refuses to do the work
- •Effective communication means listening and putting yourself in their shoes
- •The towel story shows looking past the surface complaint
- •Attacking triggers defensiveness
- •Core principles apply to family, friends, and business
Resources and Stephan's Own Relationship Journey
Stephan shares his website, social media, and a coaching program for women, and Lewis points to the previous episode. Stephan says he is still awaiting the right partner and trusts God's process.
- •Find Stephan at stephanspeaks.com and @stephanspeaks
- •Receivingmyblessings.com is a coaching program for women
- •Stephan says it's about being with the right person, not just being in a relationship
- •He trusts God's timing for a partner aligned with his purpose
