If You're SINGLE & Want To Find Love, WATCH THIS! | Stephan Speaks

Stephan Speaks 0:00 Society has brainwashed us to believe that love and identifying it takes time. That's a lie.

Lewis Howes 0:08 [upbeat music] I think you got to have a dream. The School of Greatness. Really? [laughs] Yeah. Please welcome Lewis Howes. Welcome back everyone to The School of Greatness podcast. I'm super pumped. My man, my friend is in the house, Stephan Speaks, who empowers millions of people around the world to take charge of the difficult situations standing in their way of life and love and relationships. And it seems like, Stephan, relationships for a lot of people, at least it seems this way, is very challenging during this time in 2020. And I'm hearing rumors that divorce lawyers are saying that divorces will be going up and increasing. I don't know if what you're seeing, are people getting together stronger than ever and tighter in the relationship because of the adversity? Or are people starting to realize, ah, maybe we're not a good fit, and they're breaking up more? What are you seeing currently?

Stephan Speaks 1:02 Definitely more breakups. The, the reality is COVID, and, and 2020 in general, seems to be the year of exposing all kinds of different things. And so, a lot of people who were able to have their distractions in their life that allowed them to tolerate their partners don't have that distraction anymore.

Lewis Howes 1:21 [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 1:21 And they got to deal with that person on a more consistent basis, and they realize they don't really like them like that. And so, definitely seeing much more divorces and people realizing this isn't going to work.

Lewis Howes 1:33 You know, you mentioned the word tolerate. You know, we have these distractions where we might have, a, a, you know, a girls' night or a guys' night or a, a mini vacation, a getaway, or whatever it may be. Some activities or hobbies or your workout to kind of distract yourself and get away from your partner if you're not fully aligned, but you've just stayed in the relationship for too long. Is it the person who is trying to tolerate their partner, are they the problem? Or is it the problem of the partner that they can't tolerate about them? If that makes sense. Is it their perception and they just need to accept the partner that they've chosen better? Or is it not a right fit?

Stephan Speaks 2:10 It's not a right fit. I, I think at the end of the day, you know, we talked about this in the previous episode, where it's about connection. And if two people don't have a deep and genuine connection, they're, they just aren't going to like each other at their core, and they're not gonna want to be around each other, um, especially in times like this, to where they can get through these types of moments. I mean, people who have connection aren't complaining about COVID. They're good. They were good before it, they're good now.

Lewis Howes 2:39 [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 2:40 If anything, it's giving them more time with their kids, with their partners. They're, they're probably enjoying some of this. But the other folks who didn't have it, it absolutely exposes the whole situation. So I don't view it as anything wrong with either specific individual. It's just, a- again, the, the realization that they are not a good fit for each other.

Lewis Howes 3:00 And I've heard you talk about this before, that you need connection and you need chemistry. Isn't that right?

Stephan Speaks 3:04 Yes.

Lewis Howes 3:04 In order to really make sure that there's something that's, that lasts, that sticks. Because you might have chemistry, and it could be like a hot flame for a minute, but then you realize, oh, we don't have any connection, so it just became that and dies. You could have connection, but then you don't have the chemistry, and you realize you're just great roommates and friends. Is that kind of...

Stephan Speaks 3:23 Well, yes to the first part, no to the second part. Because if you have connection, you will have chemistry.

Lewis Howes 3:29 Uh.

Stephan Speaks 3:29 Those go hand in hand. But you can have chemistry and no connection. So, look at it like in sports teams. We can put a, a team together and help them build chemistry. All right? But something could happen that destroys the chemistry. So it's very fluid. It can come and go. Connection cannot come and... It's either there or it's not. All right? And if you have connection, you already have this natural draw to each other. You already like each other at their core. And so, you're gonna have that chemistry already built in. It, it ain't that you're just nurturing it at that point, but you already naturally have it.

Lewis Howes 4:03 Why is it so hard for people who are single to get into a relationship? Do they lack the ability to create chemistry and connection? Or is something lacking from them? There's a lot of people that are like, "I've been single for years. I can't find the right man. I can't find the right woman." What is wrong with them? Or is nothing wrong with them?

Stephan Speaks 4:23 There is something wrong with them. [laughs]

Lewis Howes 4:26 [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 4:27 And listen, like, and I don't want to say it to insult them, 'cause I don't want anyone to feel bad or beat themselves up. But the reality is that if we're not getting the results we want in life, there's an adjustment we need to make. You know, people who are successful, they understand that. We didn't get to where we are by simply saying, "Oh, it's just the way the world is, and I can't do anything about it. There's nothing wrong with me." No. If we're not seeing progress, we need to make adjustments. So, in regards to relationships, I think one of the biggest issues is that men and women refuse to accept what the other gender desires and is looking for in a partner.

Lewis Howes 5:04 Oh.

Stephan Speaks 5:04 All right? They want, uh, the other person to accept them as they are. This whole take me as I am, flaws and all nonsense, [laughs] all right? That only keeps them stuck in being single or having to settle for less than they actually desire and would actually make them happy. If people would just accept the, the qualities and things that the opposite gender needs, they would see greater success and a lot faster.

Lewis Howes 5:32 So what do you think is the number one reason people are single who don't want to be single?

Stephan Speaks 5:37 Again, I, I, I think it, it boils down to the, not tapping into what the opposite sex is looking for, or not tapping into what the type of person you desire is looking for. So it's like, okay, for example, if, if you have a man who says he wants a woman that'll let him be the leader of the household, all right? And, and will trust his decision-making, so on and so forth. But you refuse to accept that she needs financial stability from you. You refuse to accept that you may have to take on some of the burden of the bills. Not that she won't contribute, but if you want that kind of dynamic, that kind of woman is looking for a man who will first lead financially. All right?

Lewis Howes 6:18 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 6:18 On the flip side, if you're a woman saying, "Well, I want a man who's, has his stuff together, who's an alpha man," but you're exuding nothing but masculine energy all the time, you're not gonna get that kind of man. You have to tap into femininity because that's what attracts the alpha man, the masculine man, so on and so forth. So again, it's like we're not tapping into the qualities and things that that person would desire in a partner. We just want them to take us as we are and give us what we want. [laughs] And it's like, no, it, it doesn't work like that.

Lewis Howes 6:52 Why do so many people continue to live in that, I don't know if you'd call it a fantasy world, where it's like... What's the famous quote? Like, "If you don't accept me at my worst, you shouldn't deserve me at my best" or something like that.

Stephan Speaks 7:03 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Lewis Howes 7:03 Right? It's like this fantasy world of, okay, I, I get that men and women and individuals are gonna have bad moments in their, in their life. It... We're not all gonna be perfect. We're not always gonna be at our best, but we shouldn't always be at our worst either.

Stephan Speaks 7:17 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 7:17 And if you're always at your worst and not improving, why should someone settle for you at your worst consistently? Is that fair to say?

Stephan Speaks 7:24 That is fair to say, and I, and I think that's another big problem, is that people are looking for partners who will take their worst. And it's like, listen, yes, they should be, they should be able to get past the rough moments that you have. As you've mentioned, we're gonna have those moments. We're not perfect. Cool. But you're supposed to bring your partner your best, all right? Like, th- you shouldn't always be coming home and bringing nothing but drama and stress to your partner and say, "Hey, deal with it because you're supposed to love me," all right? And it's like, yeah cool, if you had a bad day, a bad week, I'm there for you. But if every damn day [laughs] is bad-

Lewis Howes 8:01 I know

Stephan Speaks 8:01 ... and you're stressed out and you're stressing me out, you can't expect to have a healthy relationship with that. So absolutely, people have to get out of that mindset.

Lewis Howes 8:10 What would you want in your partner? If you're gonna be your worst all the time, would you wanna be around someone who's their worst all the time? It's not gonna be fun or fulfilling. It's gonna be stressful and overwhelming, and you don't wanna get into a relationship to deal with more stress. You wanna find someone who can support you with your vision and creating more joy and fulfillment and happiness. So I think a lot of people need to realize... Like, the thing I love about my girlfriend the most is she keeps me at such a high standard for myself.

Stephan Speaks 8:37 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 8:37 She continues to elevate me to say, "How can I be better for me, for my dreams?" And also for the relationship. You know, if I start to slack off in certain things, she lets me know. Like, "Hey." It's okay for a little bit, but consistently it's not o- it's not what she wants in a relationship.

Stephan Speaks 8:55 Absolutely.

Lewis Howes 8:56 So I think... And the same for her. Like, I tell her like, "Hey, listen, you know, you're bringing a lot of stress to this relationship, like, consistently. It's time, it's time that we shift. We've, we've addressed it. You felt it. It's okay. It's been a couple weeks now. Let's get back to vision. Let's get back to responsibility. Let's get back to, okay, what are some habits we can create together, some goals of the week we can create to get us out of this funk?" And I think a lot of people had a lot of stress the first couple months of COVID, and maybe some of them were just like, "We're not the right fit for each other," and maybe some just didn't have the tools to be able to figure out, how do we get through this together?

Lewis Howes 9:30 What are some of those tools when both partners are down and out and stressed and overwhelmed, and both lost their job, and both are dealing with money challenges, and both are o- you know... What are some tools we can get back on track with to have a thriving relationship?

Stephan Speaks 9:45 Communication is number one. Um, we, we've gotta be able to talk to each other. But I think in times like that, it can still be difficult to have these verbal conversations, and both parties have a lot to get off their chest. So that's why I'm such a huge fan of writing letters, because I feel like at that time, it, it will allow both parties to have a full release, all right? 'Cause you gotta imagine, if we're both going through it, then we're both trying to get our side of the story out, or we're trying to express how we're feeling, and that's a long conversation that can have a lot of distractions. Um, things can, you know, cause you guys to maybe even forget.

Lewis Howes 10:22 Bring up stuff from the past that wasn't even a part of this conversation. [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 10:24 Exactly. [laughs]

Lewis Howes 10:25 It's the worst.

Stephan Speaks 10:26 Exactly.

Lewis Howes 10:27 We're trying to address this one thing, and you bring something up from six months ago, right? [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 10:32 Exactly. Or someone gets offended and they get defensive when you were just trying to be honest.

Lewis Howes 10:38 Uh-huh.

Stephan Speaks 10:38 So much can go wrong. So to me, when you-

Lewis Howes 10:40 I've been there.

Stephan Speaks 10:41 Yeah. [laughs]

Lewis Howes 10:42 [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 10:42 When you write a letter, it really gives you, both parties, it gives the writer a chance to get everything out and to assess proper tone and delivery with the message. It gives the receiver time to process and really take it in and listen to understand, not to rebuttal. Because in verbal conversation, it's very easy to listen to rebuttal. But in the letter-writing format, you don't really have an opportunity to rebuttal right then and there, so you're more likely to actually take it in. So I think communication is definitely a big part of it.

Lewis Howes 11:17 Hey, it's Lewis here, and I would love to connect directly with you. Text me the word YouTube to my number 614-350-3960 to receive weekly inspirational messages from me.

Stephan Speaks 11:30 I also think that if we're going through hard times, we need to at least identify one day out the week where we don't talk about any issues. All right? All right, cool, we already know we're out of work right now. We know we're stressing. Worrying is not gonna change that. Let's pick a day where we just enjoy each other. Let's just have fun. I don't care if it's watch Netflix all day together, laid up in the bed, whatever. Let's just enjoy each other, and we agree on this day, we leave all the drama and stress alone. We can return back to that tomorrow. That way I feel like... You know, when you're constantly discussing all the tough times, you're putting a wedge between each other. And you need something to bring you two back so that you don't drift too far apart. And so I think that having that day of us time is gonna be extremely beneficial for people who are going through it.

Lewis Howes 12:19 When someone meets someone new, whether it be a moment, five-minute conversation, a couple hours, or whatever it may be, when is the appropriate amount of time to know that this person could be one of the people that you spend the rest of your life with, a long time with, could be your, your love partner? When, when should we actually know in our gut and our mind and bring it together that, okay, this is the person? Is it a moment instance yes, or is it once you learn after months? What do you think?

Stephan Speaks 12:48 It, it's very instant and immediate.

Lewis Howes 12:51 Wow.

Stephan Speaks 12:51 So, here's the thing. Society has brainwashed us to believe that love and identifying it takes time. That's a lie. In most situations when it takes months, you have not fallen in love, you've learned to tolerate them. You've grown attached to them.

Lewis Howes 13:09 Wow.

Stephan Speaks 13:09 All right? You, you, you've gotten-

Lewis Howes 13:11 You've enjoyed a part of the process, it's-

Stephan Speaks 13:14 Exactly

Lewis Howes 13:14 ... giving you connection. You're not lonely.

Stephan Speaks 13:16 Exactly. And, and when you've invested months, you are more likely to not wanna walk away from it because all the time and energy you put in. So, now you mistake-

Lewis Howes 13:26 Wow

Stephan Speaks 13:26 ... your attachment to the investment as love, and it's not really love. When you sit down with people who can say they felt a real, or they have a real connection with their partner, I think every story, I don't know of any one story that's opposite of this, they will all say it was pretty much instant. First date. You may not know 100% fact I'm gonna marry this person, but you knew the potential was there. You knew like, this could be the one. That, that at least came to mind. And so, again, when, when we don't have that in that first conversation, that first date, it's unlikely. I'm not gonna sit there and say it's impossible, that it can happen days later or a week later or whatever, um, but typically... And even if you can't articulate it as you knew they were, they could be the one, when people look back, they can tell you that they felt something very strong in that initial engagement with their partner. That said, they knew something was different. They, they may not even know what it was, but they knew, okay, this isn't normal. This isn't like the rest. Something's going on here. And then there's a full realization of, this is it.

Lewis Howes 14:33 What is that something that we can't understand, that feeling? What is that called? Is that just like your, your magnets connected to each other? Is that your energy is so attracted because there's so much opposites or it's so much similarities? What is that force that gets people to say, "There was something different about this person when I met them"?

Stephan Speaks 14:53 I personally believe it's your spirit recognizing its match. Because there are, there are... If you speak to a lot of people, um, of different religious beliefs, there's the belief that things happen in the spirit before they happen in the physical, all right? So, it's almost like the spirit is ahead of us, which is why the spirit knows the truth, which is why intuition, gut instinct, third eye, whatever you wanna call it, it always seems to be accurate because your spirit knows before you know. So, we're feeling it within our spirit. The problem is, it's getting our mind in tune with the spirit. It's allowing our heart to accept what the spirit is saying to us. But we feel it, we just don't know how to always explain it. Those who are very in tune with the spirit can recognize it much quicker and, and accept it for what it is much quicker because they're very in tune already.

Lewis Howes 15:43 Why is it so hard for our mind and our heart to get caught up to our gut or intuition of that initial explosion of chemistry? And also, can that explosion of connection and chemistry be harmful in a different way?

Stephan Speaks 16:00 Okay, so one, fear. Fear is the number one reason why we, we struggle to accept. So, one of the things I explain to a lot of women, you know, and I have my membership group for them, so I, I've had this discussion where I say, "Listen, you know, the difference between intuition and fear is logical deduction." So, when you're trying to analyze and break things down, that's your mind, all right? And fear is coming into that because you're saying, "Well, I shouldn't do this because of that," or, "This can't be this because of that." Intuition requires no logic. Your spirit requires no logic. It simply feels, it senses, it knows. That's it. You don't have to explain it. Again, gut instinct doesn't require things to logically add up. It just tells you this is it or something's wrong or this is right or whatever the case may be. So, fear is the number one thing, and that fear stems from lack of healing from past relationships. We, we've been down this road of emotional investment. We've gotten hurt before. We've been wrong in our lives about wanting to believe someone could be it. Even though we know this feels different, we still have the fear of disappointment that creeps back in. And so-

Lewis Howes 17:11 How do we let go of that fear and not sabotage an amazing opportunity in a relationship?

Stephan Speaks 17:17 You gotta heal from your past. There's no way around it. A- and this is why I say people who have not healed, they could meet their connection right now, the most amazing partner, and it will scare them to death, and they will either run, self-sabotage, something. It's gonna be a problem because they have not healed. And when you have not healed, the vulnerability that's required in connection is so unlike anything else or with anyone else that if you don't have a, a, a level of confidence, and again, a foundation of healing in your life, it seems way too overwhelming and scary. So, you've got to heal in order to not find yourself sabotaging, run away, a- a- and not being able to embrace that real love.

Lewis Howes 18:01 What if both parties come to something and there's this explosion of chemistry or just instant like, wow, there's something different feeling, and both have not healed their past, but s- they stay together, they figure it out, and they're together. Is there gonna be a lot of problems and trauma and stress that comes up over the years if they both haven't healed before they get into a relationship, or can they heal in the relationship together?

Stephan Speaks 18:27 It is possible... Let me backtrack a little bit. First, let me say that people have to understand there is a such thing as right person, wrong time. All right?

Lewis Howes 18:36 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 18:36 People don't wanna believe that. There are a lot of people who reject that idea. They say, "Oh, if it's the wrong time, it's not the right person." That's not true. You can meet that individual that you have an amazing connection with, but both parties still need growth before they can come together. All right? And so now, is it-

Lewis Howes 18:51 What hap- what happens if they come together and they haven't healed?

Stephan Speaks 18:56 So here's the thing. It is possible to get through that and survive and have a healthy relationship. It is unlikely for most people to survive being with someone you have a connection with and you have not healed. Again-

Lewis Howes 19:12 Wow

Stephan Speaks 19:12 ... most people won't even allow themselves to be with that person. They-

Lewis Howes 19:16 They'll sabotage it so much, they'll, they'll dive in, but then they'll cheat or they'll, they won't respond to the person. They'll do something, right?

Stephan Speaks 19:23 Yes. And, and, and speaking of cheating, they, they tend to have a history of going back to an ex because the ex feels safer because it's not as vulnerable over there. All right? I can maintain more emotional control. It's familiar, so it's easier. So I've seen plenty of situations where, again, the connection was so overwhelming so they ran back to their ex knowing they're not, they're not for, the ex is not for them and they're not for their ex, but again, it just feels safer there. So yes, a lot can go wrong if you try to be together when you have not healed-

Lewis Howes 19:56 Mm

Stephan Speaks 19:56 ... and you have this connection. It would be best to acknowledge, okay, you know what, we got some work we need to do. We realize we have a connection here. Let's work on ourselves in the meantime before we take that next step.

Lewis Howes 20:08 Can you heal while having sex with one or multiple partners for fun on the side?

Stephan Speaks 20:14 [laughs] I'm not gonna say it's impossible, but again, highly unlikely. Um, sex is such a distracting thing, and we, we have to understand that so much can come from our sexual interactions. There can be new drama. There can be, hell, an unwanted pregnancy. There can be a, a host of things, and all of that will derail you in the healing process. You also have to be honest with yourself. You, you may be having the sex because you're trying to distract yourself from the healing. Like, the sex is just a coping mechanism for you. Same as drugs, same as alcohol, people turn to these things because they don't wanna deal with their reality in life. So-

Lewis Howes 20:54 Right

Stephan Speaks 20:54 ... you've gotta be honest. Are you trying to just bury your head in sexual interactions, or is it just... If it's happening in the natural flow of life, okay, then, then there's a greater chance that you can survive this, but you gotta be really careful. I would suggest cutting that off-

Lewis Howes 21:10 Yeah

Stephan Speaks 21:10 ... if you're trying to heal. You know, again, I don't wanna say it's impossible, but you're gonna make it extremely difficult and highly unlikely.

Lewis Howes 21:16 For sure. I wanna ask you about the best ways to meet someone these days, 2020 moving forward, the dos and don'ts for online dating. But what I'm hearing you say is that you shouldn't be trying to meet someone, you shouldn't be doing the online dating game until you've fully healed or at least started the process of healing because healing is a journey. Sometimes things take a lot longer to heal fully. Um, but at least acknowledging and, and starting that process. What would be a process to start healing your past relationships or pains before we get into the conversation of dos and don'ts of online dating?

Stephan Speaks 21:54 Okay. So of course, going to a therapist or coach is the, the ideal thing to do. Um, you, you typically need that outside party that can help you process some things, help you see new perspectives, and go through a process of healing. Now, I will be honest, not every coach or therapist is gonna help someone heal. Sometimes it just turns into a venting session. So you've gotta be real careful about, okay, if I've been going to this therapist or coach for many weeks or months now, what progress have I really made? Have I, have I been resolving or have I been coping? Because many are teaching you how to cope and manage and, and how to function within your brokenness, but they're not resolving it and helping you heal. Now, of course, you know, I'm big on healing, so I have my book, Love After Heartbreak, which gives people the s- exact steps to healing. So one of the steps, I'll give you the first step, is, um, getting the hurt out in front of you. So it's this who hurt me list, and so you get a piece of paper, you write down who hurt me, and you ask yourself the question, who hurt me? And now everyone who comes to mind, you put them on the paper. Doesn't matter if it happened very long ago. Doesn't matter if you think you moved past it. If they come to mind when you ask the question, then that means there's some kind of relevance there. And so now you put them on the paper and, like, two sentences of what they did to hurt you. This will now at least help us identify what you've been holding onto and where the hurt is and what needs to be properly addressed. And then from there, we can do the other steps of getting things off your chest and forgiveness and all these different things that's involved in healing.

Lewis Howes 23:27 I love that. I'm a, I'm a big proponent of writing letters to people that you never send them, telling them how you, how it made you feel, what you're, what you're frustrated and angry about with them, forgiving them, letting it go, and then I like to burn the letter and bury it as well-

Stephan Speaks 23:43 [laughs]

Lewis Howes 23:43 ... in the ground, in the ground to hopefully create a sense of like, okay, this was alive in me, and now I'm killing this.

Stephan Speaks 23:51 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 23:51 And this, this feeling, this energy, and I'm, I'm putting it to bed, and I'm putting it back in the world to hopefully create something new, to grow something new and more loving and powerful and create that intention. Uh, but I think that's really important. When should we know that we have, are healed enough? How do we know when our healing has gone far enough down its journey before we should get into meeting someone new, putting ourselves out there on social media, online dating apps, and things like that?

Stephan Speaks 24:20 All right. Well, first thing I wanna say is, now, there are gonna be times where sending the letter to the person is actually the best thing to do.

Lewis Howes 24:27 Really?

Stephan Speaks 24:27 Yes. A, a lot of people are scared about that, and it's a very difficult hurdle to jump. But I literally got a DM today from a woman who read the book- She wrote her letter last year. It was to her mother. She didn't wanna send it. She held onto it. She says she just finally built up the courage, 'cause I, I tell them in the book, "99% of the time I'm gonna tell you to send the letter."

Lewis Howes 24:47 Wow.

Stephan Speaks 24:47 And so she finally did it, and she said they end up having the best conversation they've ever had in their life. Now they're like the best of friends, like it's taken their relationship to a whole new level. And, and it's not, that's not the purpose of sending it, but there's so much good that can come from taking the extra step of actually sending the letter and making sure that person is aware of how you felt and, and, and what you were going through. Now, in regards to knowing when you've properly healed, number one thing is when you can embrace being fully vulnerable with somebody. All right? If vulnerability still scares you, you have not healed enough. All right? You've gotta be willing to open your heart. We can't say we want love and then put walls up around our heart and be afraid to give it to someone. You're contradicting yourself. You're working against yourself. So you've gotta be willing to be vulnerable. You also have to make sure any negative perceptions that you've held onto due to past experiences, you're, you've done away with them. So for example, if you have been saying, "All men are dogs," because you've been hurt by so many men, well, you can't be out there dating and still screaming, "All men are dogs."

Lewis Howes 26:00 [laughs] Right.

Stephan Speaks 26:00 That's not gonna work in your favor. You've got to accept that good men exist, that you can receive a great man, that you deserve a great man. So when you have a more positive outlook and, and way of thinking... And listen, we're gonna all have our negative thought moments. That happens. But your dominant or more consistent thought pattern is positive, hopeful, a- and things of that nature, now we, y- we can say you're ready to get back out there.

Lewis Howes 26:26 How important is the language or the inner thoughts, the actual physical words we use in the inner language, the inner dialogue, in terms of attracting or finding the right partner?

Stephan Speaks 26:39 It's extremely important. You know, we, we hear it all the time, words are power. And the reality is that the words you speak to yourself, the thoughts you have, they will, uh, whether knowingly or unknowingly to you, they will dictate your energy, the energy that you give off to people or the, the, the way your just spirit comes across to individuals. And so you can put on a happy face, but if your thought is negative, pessimistic, all right, and dwelling in this, then your energy will still be negative. All right? What you do on the surface isn't gonna be able to hide that, which is why you have some people who swear, "Well, I'm not a bad person." Yeah, but you're not a positive person. All right?

Lewis Howes 27:18 Right.

Stephan Speaks 27:18 You, you can be good people, but no, you are miserable. And, and it's, and it's not even just you're miserable like you're, you're dwelling in it in your life, but you give off miserable energy. And so who's gonna wanna be around that? Who's gonna wanna commit to that? At the most, they might wanna have sex with you, but they're not gonna wanna tie themselves to you in a committed long-term relationship or marriage.

Lewis Howes 27:40 And people can feel that energy, whether, I don't care if you're a man, woman or in between, some- you can feel the energy of someone. And if you haven't healed properly yourself, you may be attracted to a wounded individual to then try to find some validation or try to find some connection there. And that's why it's important for you to heal so that you can fully see the energy around you and see who is a potential great match for you. Because if you haven't healed, you're gonna keep attracting negativity and repeating certain patterns. Is that correct?

Stephan Speaks 28:11 That is absolutely correct. And, and if you talk to any person who has healed, they can tell you how they feel energy even more now, where they become more aware. It's so much easier to see past the facades that so many people are putting up because now healing allows us to get more in tune with our spirit. And by getting more in tune with our spirit, we get more in tune with everyone's spirit. 'Cause technically, we are all connected through the spirit. All right? And so i- it's easier to be in touch with that when you get away, get rid of the blockage of trauma, past disappointments and hurts, disappointments, things of that nature.

Lewis Howes 28:49 It's powerful stuff, man. I'm still trying to get to my, one of my first questions, [laughs] which is, what's the best way to meet someone these days in online dating? But it sounds like that's so far ahead of what you need to be, uh, thinking about first. Like, have I started to heal? Are there people who have hurt me? Is there people that I need to apologize to? You know, all these different things, it's almost like you gotta do the work before you can start doing the work of finding someone.

Stephan Speaks 29:12 Absolutely.

Lewis Howes 29:12 So I think it's important for us to remind people of this process first before we say, "Okay, you've done the work. You've started the process of healing. You feel like you can open your heart and be vulnerable to anyone, and it's not going to hurt you and cripple you." Now, once you've done that, what's the best way to meet someone these days? You know, we got tons of social media apps now. We got people just swiping left and right on TikTok and Tinder and Bumbles and what el- whoever else knows is out there. I feel like if I was a single man right now, it would just be chaos because-

Stephan Speaks 29:46 Yeah. [laughs]

Lewis Howes 29:46 ... it'd just be option overload, nothing's ever good enough, comparison overload. Like, where do we meet someone these days who is a quality human being that could be a potential great partner for us?

Stephan Speaks 29:59 So I definitely think people need to get rid of the negative stigma they have of online dating. I think, again, it's a tool to meet people more conveniently, and in times like this, it's probably the best tool. Let's be real. I mean, even if you try to go out, certain cities are limited. You're not gonna see as much people out anymore. So if you thought it was hard to meet people going out before, well, it, it just got harder. So being open to online dating I think would be the best bet. I think what people have to realize is... I, so I've gone on some of these sites to, like, do research and see what's going on. And I can tell you that people's online profiles are pure trash. Like the majority of people-

Lewis Howes 30:39 [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 30:39 ... have no damn clue what they're doing with these online dating profiles. And I, and I believe it, it's because many have this one foot in, one foot out approach. It's like I'm gonna just try this because there's nothing else going on, but I'm not actually committed to the process of making this work and how to make it successful.

Lewis Howes 30:57 It's like they're bo- they're just bored. This is like entertainment.

Stephan Speaks 31:00 Yes.

Lewis Howes 31:00 This is... They're craving connection and intimacy, but they don't wanna fully commit.

Stephan Speaks 31:05 Mm-hmm. And, and they don't fully buy into the fact that it can work. Like I have clients who have gotten married from online dating, so it can work. Now, does it guarantee you a husband or wife? No. But does it pretty much guarantee you can meet people and have some options to decide if you want to move forward? Yes. But again, you've got to be smart about how you, uh, invest in the process and how you set up your profile and things of that nature to help you become more successful.

Lewis Howes 31:34 What are the dos and don'ts of, of online dating? And I'm gonna make a general assumption here, correct me if I'm wrong, that men in general go on online dating sites to find people to hook up with in general.

Stephan Speaks 31:49 Mm.

Lewis Howes 31:49 And women go on to more find a great potential partner. Please correct me if I'm wrong, but I think that's the general mindset. Is that right?

Stephan Speaks 31:59 I think that's a general mindset. I, I do think it varies depending on the site. Like I believe a site that makes men pay has a higher chance of serious relationship-minded men being on there. Because the guy who just wants to hook up is less likely to want to spend any money if he can go to a free site and it's just, you know, a free for all on there. So I do think that certain sites give a better opportunity for serious relationships. But as far as dos and don'ts, o- one don't, I'm gonna start with a don't, is don't make it all about what you want, meaning people don't go on online dating and present their value. And so why would I choose you out of all these people online when I don't know what you bring to the table, what value you present? It's like listen, in marketing the job is to present value to the consumer to say, "This is why you should buy my product." We dress it up properly. We, we pick the right colors, the right wording. It's all about hitting your target market a- and appealing to them. And I feel like people don't do that. They go online, they make it, "Well, I'm looking for this, I don't want this," boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. All right, but I don't see any value here, so why would I reach out to you?

Lewis Howes 33:16 Right.

Stephan Speaks 33:16 So I think that's a big don't. Don't make it all about you. Make it about what you bring to the table and what value you provide and-

Lewis Howes 33:22 Make yourself desirable so you start attracting options as opposed to saying, "Well, uh, yeah, I'm only looking for this guy. And listen, you have to be smart and rich and this." It's like-

Stephan Speaks 33:31 [laughs] Exactly

Lewis Howes 33:33 ... you're already too much to handle right now. [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 33:35 [laughs] Yes, yes. Ab-

Lewis Howes 33:37 Okay. So that's number one, build something... Create desire-

Stephan Speaks 33:40 Yes

Lewis Howes 33:40 ... for someone to be attracted to you. What, what else?

Stephan Speaks 33:44 Number two, have enough pictures on your profile. So many people jump on, and again, because it's one foot in, one foot out, they put one picture up. Now listen, we live in a time where catfishing is popular, and nobody wants to be catfished. If you only have one picture up, you become a very skeptical or you make people very skeptical of your profile. All right? And so you gotta show people the full you. So not only have one picture, but I always say have at least one full body picture. Let people know what they're getting into because the last thing you want is to have these beautiful headshots, all right? And someone choose you based off of that, then you meet in person and [laughs] the rest of you doesn't look like the way they wanted you to look, and now you have a wasted date, wasted time. You get discouraged. Let's, let's stop doing that to ourselves and to each other. Let's show the full version of who we are. Someone either likes it or they don't. All right?

Lewis Howes 34:40 That's interesting. And-

Stephan Speaks 34:41 So I say three to four pictures in your profile.

Lewis Howes 34:43 That's interesting. And would someone ever change their mind based on personality only of like, "Oh, well, they're... Maybe it wasn't the way I wanted them to look, but they're such a nice person, and they have this personality that I'm gonna give it another date"? Or are you saying like allow people to see the full picture of who you are, at least to a certain level? Obviously you're not gonna share your whole life story and-

Stephan Speaks 35:04 Mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 35:04 ... open up all your flaws right away. You're gonna put your best foot forward.

Stephan Speaks 35:07 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 35:07 But at least see kind of a full picture of your life in five to six photos, I guess.

Stephan Speaks 35:12 I, I, I think that unfortunately it depends on how far you've deviated from their perception or the, the fantasy that they put in their head. So I, I don't wanna sound harsh, but let's just say they looked at your picture and they thought you were a athletic person. They thought you had an athletic frame. All right? Now when they see you, you're plus size. That may be too far of a deviation for them to say, "Oh, but the personality's good enough." All right?

Lewis Howes 35:38 Right.

Stephan Speaks 35:39 Now, you... They may have envisioned athletic, but you're like a little bit off from that. "Okay. Well, you know what? She's a great or he's a great person. I can work with this." That's not gonna push them too far to the left. [laughs] You know what I'm saying?

Lewis Howes 35:51 Right.

Stephan Speaks 35:51 So it really depends on how far you've deviated, and that's why the pictures helps eliminate that issue. We don't need the guessing game. We don't need people feeling some kind of way once they finally see you. Don't use old pictures from 10 years ago if they don't represent how you currently look.

Lewis Howes 36:10 Mm.

Stephan Speaks 36:10 You wanna show your true self now and let them decide if they want to step into this or not.

Lewis Howes 36:15 Is there another do or don't?

Stephan Speaks 36:17 Do not come off negative in your profile. So it kind of goes back to the whole saying what you want or making it all about you. Many people, and I have to say this happens a lot with women, they come off like, "Well, if, if you're this, don't, don't reach out to me," or, "I don't want this," and the tone is very negative. All right? Like the I'm not here to play games. Okay. Cool. That's not gonna get you anywhere. That just makes you come off as difficult. All right? So you wanna come off with a more positive, inviting tone. You wanna be, be very mindful of your delivery in your bio, in your message, or your headline or whatever. All that negative stuff, especially for women, is not gonna get you far if you're looking for a serious relationship. Again, men will bypass the negative energy if they just want sex and you look good to them.

Lewis Howes 37:08 Mm.

Stephan Speaks 37:08 But they're not gonna bypass that to make you their woman and to commit to you or marry you.

Lewis Howes 37:13 Right. That's powerful for women to know, for sure. And do you think women can make the first move and it could work out long term?

Stephan Speaks 37:21 Absolutely. I... And I, I honestly think when it comes to online dating, they should. My logic is this. As a woman, you jump on online dating. Let's say you're an attractive woman. You put up your profile, and now in a couple days it's a sea of garbage that comes your way. All right? And you gotta fish through the sea of garbage to find your diamond in the rough, and through that process it can be very exhausting. You, you can find yourself feeling like this is pointless, and now you get off the platform. However, you should go and find the men you want to put yourself in front of.

Lewis Howes 37:55 Mm.

Stephan Speaks 37:56 All right? Making it easier for you to get candidates you actually would like. And for women, we don't require much. You can just say hello.

Lewis Howes 38:05 [laughs] Right.

Stephan Speaks 38:05 All right? If we like you-

Lewis Howes 38:06 Or a smiley face or whatever. Yeah [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 38:08 Yeah, an emoji. H- you can send a blank damn message, all right? If we are attracted to you and we find interest, we will respond.

Lewis Howes 38:16 [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 38:16 Like, did you mean to send that to me? Like, we're gonna look into it. So to me, it would be best and mos- most beneficial for women to just send out, again, just simple messages to the men that actually catch their interest.

Lewis Howes 38:29 Right.

Stephan Speaks 38:29 And then see-

Lewis Howes 38:30 And see if they're interested in return. Yeah.

Stephan Speaks 38:31 Exactly.

Lewis Howes 38:32 My friend, uh, Matthew Hussey, I think he calls this in person like the handkerchief technique where he's like, listen, women, you know, look them in the eyes from across the, the restaurant or at the grocery store. Like, look a man in his eyes or connect with him in a flirtatious way, a little bit subtle little way or, you know, back in the olden days they would drop a handkerchief as they walked by a man to see if they would pick it up and bring it to them. So it's like allow a man to be interested in connecting with you because it takes a lot of courage, even if you're online, to put yourself out there to someone you're attracted to.

Stephan Speaks 39:06 It does.

Lewis Howes 39:06 It's, it's easier to obviously just message someone online and not be rejected and feel so sad than it is in person, but it's still, you've gotta put some energy out there for the guys that you're interested in for sure and see which ones are, like, gonna take a nibble. You know?

Stephan Speaks 39:23 Exactly.

Lewis Howes 39:23 Come, come on the hook. So.

Stephan Speaks 39:25 That's it.

Lewis Howes 39:26 I love that, man. What's the best opening line-

Stephan Speaks 39:29 [laughs]

Lewis Howes 39:30 ... for a man or woman in online dating to reach out to someone to pique interest and see if it's a potential for something?

Stephan Speaks 39:38 Okay. For men, what you wanna do is you want your opening line to reference something she's written in her profile which shows you actually took time to read her profile.

Lewis Howes 39:50 That you care.

Stephan Speaks 39:51 So-

Lewis Howes 39:51 Yeah, you researched.

Stephan Speaks 39:52 Exactly. And, and, and it automatically separates yourself because let's face it, a, a, a woman on there might be getting tons of hellos, you look amazing, you look great, blah, blah, blah. She's heard that a million times, but let's just say she just got her degree in, I don't know, in, uh, IT. All right? And now you say, "Oh, you know, hey, what do you like about IT?" I don't know. You just make some kind of reference to it.

Lewis Howes 40:16 Right.

Stephan Speaks 40:16 It, it just shows that you took more time to actually learn. You come across much more genuine, and the message is immediately different from the typical man who reaches out to her. So I think that's the best approach for men to take. Um, and it also allows for a natural conversation to flow. 'Cause you know when you're starting with the whole hello, where are you from, i- it's like, eh.

Lewis Howes 40:39 It's meh.

Stephan Speaks 40:39 Exactly. But when you just have a, a, pick a topic using her profile to start it off, you got something that you can get rolling from there, and then you can get into all the other stuff.

Lewis Howes 40:47 And people always appreciate someone who takes the t- uh, the time to research. People always appreciate a different approach, a different angle, like a uniqueness-

Stephan Speaks 40:56 Yeah

Lewis Howes 40:56 ... to something about you. But if you're always the same as everyone else of like, "Hey there, cutie," or whatever it is, you're gonna get the same type of results. But when you are a little different, they're gonna say, "Huh, something's different about that person. Let me keep talking."

Stephan Speaks 41:07 Yeah. Absolutely. Absolutely.

Lewis Howes 41:09 And for women?

Stephan Speaks 41:10 For women, you know, I really just feel like saying hello is just [laughs] is all they need. They don't have to say much. 'Cause let's be real, like the man is either gonna be interested in you because of he likes what he sees and he likes your profile. Like, a special line for a woman doesn't really separate them, so to speak. Um, she could try to be funny and humorous. She could try to do the same thing that I said to men, but I think at the end of the day, it really boils down to, okay, if he likes what he sees and he likes what's on the profile, a simple hello, a, an emoji, whatever, is gonna do the trick.

Lewis Howes 41:43 Because a man's either gonna respond and dive in or he's gonna say, "Okay, hi," and that's it, and not g- get back quickly or whatever it is.

Stephan Speaks 41:50 Exactly.

Lewis Howes 41:51 So you're gonna know qu- you're gonna know quickly within 24 hours if a guy's interested in you as well or not.

Stephan Speaks 41:56 I, I, I always say there are some men who are still very shy and socially awkward even when it comes to online dating. And so there may be a struggle with how they communicate, but I do think that at the very least they're gonna respond. All right?

Lewis Howes 42:09 Right. Right.

Stephan Speaks 42:09 They're gonna respond, and from there a conversation can be had, and I do think within the first few responses we're gonna get an idea of okay, this guy does have some kind of interest here.

Lewis Howes 42:20 What are your thoughts on friends or matchmakers spotting connection where they say, "Hey, I've got a great person for you. You're gonna love this guy. You're gonna love this girl. You guys sh- you know, are perfect for each other." Are friends actually good at spotting potential long-term connection, and are matchmakers- ... good at this as well.

Stephan Speaks 42:43 So, I, I don't want to rain on any matchmaker's parade [laughs] or in any way, you know, take away from what they do. I cannot honestly say I believe that a matchmaker can spot connection. They can spot chemistry and compatibility.

Lewis Howes 42:59 Hmm.

Stephan Speaks 42:59 I do think that matchmakers can be very good in, in finding who would be, uh, compatible with each other. But again, compatibility does not equal connection. Connection is something deeper. Again, it's within that spirit. And so, for someone on the outside to identify that, that's, that's highly unlikely unless they have seen these two interact and have been in their presence. So essentially, if I see you with someone, I can say... or I see you with your girl, I can say, "Okay, I see the connection there." 'Cause I'm seeing you two interact, I can feel the energy. But if I have my friend here and a female friend over there, and I'm thinking, "Oh, these two people could have a connect..." No. Like, there's no way to say that when I'm just going off of what I know of them, rather than-

Lewis Howes 43:45 Interesting

Stephan Speaks 43:46 ... actually them interacting and seeing the energy there.

Lewis Howes 43:49 So, you can't guess, even if like these are two great people, they're gonna hit it off, you can... It's rare that you could guess that they will actually hit it off until you see them connecting. Then you can spot, wow, they have a connection.

Stephan Speaks 44:01 Yes, I believe that. When we're talking about connection, yes, that would be the case.

Lewis Howes 44:05 Got it. So, what's the difference between connection, chemistry, and compatibility?

Stephan Speaks 44:09 So, let's start with compatibility. Compatibility are traits that typically fit together. All right? So, we're identifying, well, okay, she's a go-getter, she likes being outdoors, um, she's very spiritual, and he's, he likes the same things. So, we're identifying traits that make them compatible. Some people may use the zodiac to determine who is compatible. But again, zodiac is really dependent on the traits that they have defined for that sign. And as long as those things are consistent or they are accurate in those cases, then they can say there's gonna be some level of compatibility there. So, there's gonna be some level of fit there. All right? Chemistry is when two people know how to get along and flow with each other, work with each other. So, chemistry doesn't necessarily require compatibility. All right? Because again, think about at work. We can go through, uh, team-building exercises and build chemistry with our work associates, all right? But we don't have to like them.

Lewis Howes 45:15 Hmm.

Stephan Speaks 45:15 We don't have to have the same interests as them. There has to... Nothing else has to be in alignment, but we can learn how to work together and build and create something and make progress and be successful. So, chemistry is very independent of that. But again, it, it's more so learning how to work with each other, flow with each other, get along with each other, coexist together, so to speak. Um, but again, it's very fluid. It can, it can come, it can go. All right? You can build chemistry, you can destroy chemistry.

Lewis Howes 45:46 Hmm.

Stephan Speaks 45:46 Connection is, again, with connection you will have chemistry. But funny enough, with connection you may not have what people perceive as compatibility. So, you can have two individuals who you would never think are a match for each other, but yet they are feeling this amazing connection with each other. Unexplainable. They never would have ex- thought it would be this person, but it's there. All right? But again, you will have chemistry within connection.

Lewis Howes 46:17 Hmm.

Stephan Speaks 46:17 Connection c- doesn't come or go. It's either there or it's not. You cannot create it, you cannot destroy it. You can run from it. You can try to reject it. You can pile a bunch of trash on top of it, toxic energy, but it's still there. And it kinda goes back to, we talked about this before, where you, you're the one that put me on the, I forgot how you say, the red string Chinese-

Lewis Howes 46:39 Yes, yes

Stephan Speaks 46:40 ... theory

Lewis Howes 46:40 The red string.

Stephan Speaks 46:41 There you go.

Lewis Howes 46:41 I still got it on.

Stephan Speaks 46:42 [laughs] Exactly. And so, no, no matter where you go in the world, no matter what you do, there's-

Lewis Howes 46:48 You'll feel connection.

Stephan Speaks 46:49 Exactly. And that's why people with connection could fall apart tomorrow, meet back up 10 years later, and it's like they never stopped talking. The connection is always there. So, it's, that's why it's the strongest and most important of those three.

Lewis Howes 47:06 Is it fair to say that you need all three to have the most fulfilling type of relationship, and if you're missing compatibility there will always be some type of stress?

Stephan Speaks 47:19 No. I think, I think you need chemistry and connection. And again, if you have connection, you will have the chemistry. The reason why I say you don't need compatibility is because, again, what people perceive as compatible doesn't always align with what actually allows two people to be connected and bond and all these wonderful things. So, because of that, I would say compatibility, uh, due to society's perce- perception of it, is not necessary.

Lewis Howes 47:46 It's the least needed thing.

Stephan Speaks 47:48 Yes.

Lewis Howes 47:49 But to have... But c- so you shouldn't be coming into a relationship saying, "Wow, we're very compatible people. We like the same things. We come from the same background. We live in the same city. Our families live nearby. This makes sense. We should try this thing, because look at how compatible we are." What I'm hearing you say is you should make sure you have this connection that if you were gone for 10 years, you think about them, you dream about them, you always wanna come back together. That that is more important than having chemistry and compatibility, because with connection you will have chemistry-

Stephan Speaks 48:22 Mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 48:22 ... but you may not be compatible.

Stephan Speaks 48:23 Exactly. And you're 100% accurate what you just said. Compatibility... And that's where a lot of people go wrong. They choose partners based off of compatibility. They choose partners based off of the logical deduction that this would make sense, this is a great opportunity, you know, we like the same things, blah, blah, blah. But those people find themselves miserable, 'cause they get caught up in the hype initially. But again, the connection that they need to really enjoy each other, um, the glue that keeps them together, the glue that helps them overcome difficult times, that's not there if you don't have connection. You know what I'm saying? And hell, it, it, it's tough even when you have connection.

Lewis Howes 49:01 Right. [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 49:01 So if you don't have it, it's [laughs] ... So why even bother?

Lewis Howes 49:05 It, is connection something you can cultivate if you don't have? Or is it something you either have it together or you don't?

Stephan Speaks 49:13 You have it or you don't. You can't, you can't make it up out of thin air. You can't create it. Plenty people have tried and failed miserably. It just doesn't work. You know?

Lewis Howes 49:21 You, you hear this-

Stephan Speaks 49:21 And that's why you ... Right?

Lewis Howes 49:23 Yeah, you hear this all the time of like, gosh, he looked amazing on paper. Like, he, he just like had everything on pa- he checked every box.

Stephan Speaks 49:31 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 49:31 She checked every box, but there was just... Ah, and they were such a good person.

Stephan Speaks 49:36 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 49:36 They're such a great person.

Stephan Speaks 49:38 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 49:38 But I just couldn't connect.

Stephan Speaks 49:40 Exactly. It just wasn't there. And let me tell you, that's one of the worst positions to be in.

Lewis Howes 49:45 Oh.

Stephan Speaks 49:46 Is to be with this amazing, wonderful person-

Lewis Howes 49:49 [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 49:49 ... that you don't have a connection with because now, how do I justify and validate to myself, my friends, my family, who probably love this person-

Lewis Howes 49:58 Love this person

Stephan Speaks 49:58 [laughs] Like-

Lewis Howes 50:00 Love them

Stephan Speaks 50:00 ... and like yo, I gotta tell them no, it's just not there. The majority of people are not able to do that. They suck it up, and they try to push things along-

Lewis Howes 50:11 Mm

Stephan Speaks 50:11 ... or they convince themselves, I'm, I'm tripping. I, maybe I'm being too picky, whatever. But then inevitably, that marriage or relationship still ends up ending.

Lewis Howes 50:22 So how do you make it work if you have very low compatibility, high connection and chemistry, but you are in complete different industries. You like complete different things. One person likes to be inside. The other person loves to go on long hikes. And you're just like butting heads about every activity and thing you want. Every movie, you don't like the other person's movies. Like-

Stephan Speaks 50:45 [laughs]

Lewis Howes 50:45 ... isn't that a strain on the relationship as well?

Stephan Speaks 50:47 Well, I, I would argue that when there's a connection, you're not gonna butt heads. I feel like, so when people don't have a connection and they're very opposite like that, you're gonna have a lot of tension, a lot of butting of heads. All right? When there's a connection, there's a desire to want to share the moments you enjoy with you. There's a desire to, "All right, you know what? I may not care for these types of movies, but I, I love seeing you happy, and I wanna be around you. So I'm gonna try to learn to deal with some of these movies." We're much more willing to make sacrifices, be flexible, and, and, and, and find a compromise when there is a connection there. And I feel like when there's a connection, we don't view the differences as a negative thing. We view it as, wow, they are, they're introducing me to a different world. They're showing me a different side. So okay, maybe I don't like going out all the time, but now it's good that I have someone who likes to go out because she can pull me, or he can pull me out the house more often.

Lewis Howes 51:44 That's true.

Stephan Speaks 51:44 But I can also help them slow down a little bit and enjoy peace and being at home. There's a balance that's created that makes it a much more well-rounded relationship. So I think that it, what you'll find a lot of times in connection is that they're not the most, again, compatible based on society's perceptions of compatibility people. They have these differences, but they make this full unit. It's like this yin to the yang type of deal. You know?

Lewis Howes 52:11 Is it-

Stephan Speaks 52:11 It doesn't have to be the same

Lewis Howes 52:12 ... is it possible to find someone with extreme connection, extreme chemistry, and 80% compatibility, where it's like, wow, we like so many of the same things as well? Or are we just more attracted to kind of the opposite attract type of mentality, yin and yang type of balance?

Stephan Speaks 52:30 I think, I think it is possible to, uh, have a strong level of compatibility. But I, if I'm honest, I do think there is some kind of balance that occurs within relationships with people who have connection. It's not completely down the line, we're just on the same page or like everything the same. I think there is a difference. And I think it kind of goes back to the fact that i- in nature, there's this polarity that has to occur. It's, it's the same reason why masculine is drawn to feminine, feminine drawn to masculine. You don't find a masculine person wanting another masculine person. All right? Now, when it comes to connection or real serious healthy relationships, we desire the opposite energy that balances us out. So I do-

Lewis Howes 53:11 Why is, why is that? Is that just mother nature, human nature? Why is that you think?

Stephan Speaks 53:16 I ... And I can't say this is 100% accurate, but my belief is that, again, we are not created to be equal. We're created to balance each other out. We're created to come together and have this full unit. Why do my strengths need to be your strengths? How do we become better? If I'm a business and I'm going to, uh, acquire another company and merge with them, I'm not gonna pick the company does everything the same thing that I do as, as good. I'm gonna pick the company who has a product or a service that's different than mines or that, that can enhance mines, but, and we come together and we're like Voltron, and we become stronger together. So in having our differences, a- we are able to create a stronger whole unit-

Lewis Howes 54:01 That's interesting

Stephan Speaks 54:01 ... rather than be the exact same.

Lewis Howes 54:03 Yeah, I think there was a, I think a couple years ago, Tyson Meat, the, the meat company, which is a big meat company, chicken and beef and all that stuff. I think they acquired like a couple hundred million dollars worth of Beyond Meat, which is a vegan option.

Stephan Speaks 54:19 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 54:19 So it's like they are all meat consumption, and they're like, "Oh, but this is something we don't have, and it's growing in this space. Let's get on board, and let's balance out in some ways."

Stephan Speaks 54:29 Exactly.

Lewis Howes 54:29 So I see that as a, a, as an interesting approach in relationships and an int- interesting dynamic.

Stephan Speaks 54:35 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 54:35 I, I'm curious about sex on the first date and on the first night We got this incredible explosion of chemistry, like we've known each other for years, we've just, we've... I can't believe we didn't connect sooner. Is sex on the first day of meeting something that can turn into a successful long-term relationship? Or have you just seen from your research and your experiences with the people you've coached that that's a recipe for disaster?

Stephan Speaks 55:04 It, it can definitely turn into a long-term relationship, marriage, successful relationship. I just think that we have to be careful with that mindset. So I remember one time, the, uh, I think it was an article I wrote, and somebody commented and they said, "You know, I've heard of plenty guys..." And not to make this only about how guys perceive it, but they had said, "I've seen plenty guys not want to move forward with a woman who they had sex with on the first date. I've never seen a guy say, 'I can't make her my wife because she didn't have sex with me on the first date.'" You see what I'm saying? So it's like one approach is still safe.

Lewis Howes 55:39 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 55:39 It doesn't, it doesn't hurt you. It doesn't hurt you to wait. You're not gonna lose anything by being patient before jumping into bed. If anything, you're gonna increase your chances of making sure you know what you're getting yourself into, you're confirming there is a connection there, we're on the same page, so on and so forth. But if you move too fast, and God forbid you're wrong, that you perceive this incorrectly, now you have possibly set yourself up for other issues. So again, can it happen? Yes. Especially if two people have a genuine connection, I do not believe that sex on the first date will derail that.

Lewis Howes 56:13 Right.

Stephan Speaks 56:13 However, why not take the better, more likely approach for success or to be safe, better to be safe than sorry, and just wait. There's no need to rush for it.

Lewis Howes 56:23 Yeah. I like that response where you said you've never... What was it? You've never met a-

Stephan Speaks 56:28 Yeah. Like, I won't make her my wife because she didn't have sex with me on the first date. But you've heard plenty of guys say, "I don't take her serious because she had sex with me on the first date."

Lewis Howes 56:35 Yeah, man.

Stephan Speaks 56:36 [laughs]

Lewis Howes 56:37 It's interesting because when I met, um, my girlfriend Jeanette, we met online. And we started talking, you know, just via messaging, and then it, a few weeks later it turned into a FaceTime, and then it was a FaceTime every day for a few minutes, and then it was FaceTime every day for longer, you know, hours, two hours, three hours. And then we met about a month after we started connecting. I went into the meeting of like, "I'm just gonna go and be open to possibilities. Like, who knows what this person's gonna be like in person. I don't know." We've had an amazing connection on the phone where it seems like hours were minutes, that type of whole thing. You lose track of time. You, you can relate in certain ways with each other, and we're both inspired by one another. And then we literally meet, and within minutes we're kissing.

Stephan Speaks 57:22 [laughs]

Lewis Howes 57:22 You know, meeting the first time, we're kissing. And, but I also went into it with like, "I'm not gonna try anything sexual. Like, if nothing happens, I'm okay. You know, we're seeing each other for this weekend and, you know, I just wanna go and connect and I have zero intentions of trying anything further." I went into that with that mindset. I was like, "If I come home from this and we don't even kiss, like, okay. It was, it was an experiment." We're magnets to each other. We start kissing within a few minutes. I kiss her, and she was kind of thrown back but liked it, and it was like she didn't wanna stop.

Stephan Speaks 57:53 [laughs]

Lewis Howes 57:54 And within minutes, I kid you not, within five minutes, she's, she looks at me, she stops, she looks at me and she goes, "You're mine forever." And I was like [laughs] "You are a bold woman."

Stephan Speaks 58:05 [laughs]

Lewis Howes 58:05 I was like, uh, I just got off a plane to see her. And she, and I go, "Wow, you're pretty forward." And she goes, "Do you wanna go back on the plane?" [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 58:16 [laughs]

Lewis Howes 58:16 I was like, I was like, "No, but I've never heard a woman say this within five minutes." Now, granted we were talking for a month on l- on-

Stephan Speaks 58:23 Yeah

Lewis Howes 58:23 ... the phone, but I've never heard a woman say this in five minutes. And if they would, I'd usually run like crazy and think she was crazy. But she was like, "I don't know. I'm sorry. I just feel like my heart, my heart says this, and I feel like I just wanna say it." And so I really respected her level of courage and vulnerability and honesty as well, where usually girls won't say that type of thing.

Stephan Speaks 58:44 Mm.

Lewis Howes 58:44 And I was like, "Wow, this girl's got a lot of courage, and she says what she feels." And it was just like, man, the chemistry was so, the connection was so strong all weekend and, and for the last, you know, over a year now.

Stephan Speaks 58:59 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 58:59 That it, uh, it made... It didn't make logical sense. It made emotional sense.

Stephan Speaks 59:04 Exactly.

Lewis Howes 59:05 And I think I just kept going with it and I was like, "Wow, okay, let's see where this goes. We'll take it day by day." But it's just like it kept growing. And I think you should have some type of feeling of, like, instant connection, because all the women I've dated in the past, I would say I've had instant connection with most of them, like, with all of them, but it wasn't this type of connection. Like you said at the beginning, it's like this, something was different. I had maybe more, like, sexual attraction.

Stephan Speaks 59:33 Yes.

Lewis Howes 59:33 But then I was like, "Ugh, you know, we're not connecting and vibing in the same way that I would love, but the sexual attraction was great, and they got this and this." So it's like I'm justifying.

Stephan Speaks 59:43 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 59:44 As opposed to this is what I, what I want, and this is what... It's, like, it's not even a option. This is what my heart is telling me I need to do.

Stephan Speaks 59:51 Yes.

Lewis Howes 59:52 And I think if your heart is not saying, "Yeah," like pulling you to something, then it's probably a sign that that may not be the right fit for you right now.

Stephan Speaks 1:00:02 Absolutely.

Lewis Howes 1:00:03 Now, do men and women approach early sex differently in your opinion? Beyond fir- the first date, beyond the one-night stand type of thing, do men and women approach it differently in the first months?

Stephan Speaks 1:00:17 Yeah, I believe so. I think it's more likely to find a man who is ready to go [laughs]

Lewis Howes 1:00:23 [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 1:00:24 You know what I'm saying? And, and has no, no issues about when the sex occurs within that first month, all right? Whereas there are gonna be a lot more women who are concerned and, and, um, genuinely are not comfortable yet. You know, the, the problem also is that just because sex occurs doesn't mean the woman was comfortable. All right? A lot of women allow themselves to get intimate, but they weren't truly at peace with making that or allowing that to happen. And so there's a lot more that goes on on her end regarding sex than it goes on on his end. And I also believe that women are much more in their head about the situation than the man is. The man is... One thing-

Lewis Howes 1:01:03 Analyzing it. They're analyzing, "Oh, what if I don't do this? He's not gonna like me, and blah, blah, blah."

Stephan Speaks 1:01:07 Exactly. Exactly. Whereas I think the man's just excited, he's enjoying the moment, he's just getting it in. But she's thinking, "Yeah, is this g- is this too soon? Am I... Is he gonna like this? What am I..." You know, whatever. She's just processing so much, which adds to her inability to even fully enjoy it a lot of times. But yeah, it, it's definitely different. We're, we're not wired the same when it comes to sex.

Lewis Howes 1:01:30 Yeah.

Stephan Speaks 1:01:30 We're just not.

Lewis Howes 1:01:31 And do you think rebound relationships can work? Let's say you're in a relationship for six months, a year, a few years, 10 years, and you stayed in that relationship too long. You stayed in it because it became hard to get out or it was good on paper. Whatever the reason is, you stayed it. You had kids, whatever the reason is. And then you get out, and within six months you find someone and you're married six months later. Is that something that is possible, to rebound into the next relationship and that can be your connection, chemistry, partner for long-term? Or is that something, you know, should people wait two to four years until they fully heal and all this time and energy to get into it? What do you think?

Stephan Speaks 1:02:15 It's absolutely possible. One, we have to understand that healing is, is less about time and is more about the specific work you put in. If you go through the process and you do all the steps, then you can achieve healing in months, all right? Um, people, people take years off and still never healed. So the time itself does nothing for you. Uh, with that said, the key is, has this new person genuinely surpassed how you felt about anyone else? See, I have a golden rule that you do not get in a new relationship if they have not surpassed whoever you had the strongest feelings for. They've got to pass that bar.

Lewis Howes 1:02:53 What does that mean? So does that mean, like, the connection is so much stronger, the, y- the way you view them is higher-

Stephan Speaks 1:02:59 Yes

Lewis Howes 1:02:59 ... they add more value to your life?

Stephan Speaks 1:03:01 Mo- most importantly, it has to be the connection is stronger. That's most importantly. And so if you don't feel as strong as a connection, as strong as a desire, as strong as a, a draw to them as you did whatever previous person, then you should not enter in that relationship. Because you, if you do, you will automatically have a void, a gap. Because it's, it's almost like you ate filet mignon and now you go have some Spam. There's a huge [laughs]

Lewis Howes 1:03:28 [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 1:03:28 ... gap there, all right? You might be able to survive eating the Spam, all right, because it s- it satisfies your hunger, but you know how much better meat can taste-

Lewis Howes 1:03:37 [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 1:03:38 ... because you had the filet, the filet mignon.

Lewis Howes 1:03:39 Yeah. You're not fully nourished.

Stephan Speaks 1:03:41 Exactly, and you'll never be fully satisfied because you had that better thing. So it's the same thing with relationships. If you've already experienced this higher level of connection, to go for anything beneath that, you will never be fulfilled and completely happy with it. You might survive for the first couple years, but at some point the smoke's gonna clear and you're gonna be like, "Man, why, what am I doing here?"

Lewis Howes 1:04:04 Is this applied to any previous relationships, chemistry and connection, or the previous one?

Stephan Speaks 1:04:10 I say any. They've gotta surpass whoever held the highest position in your heart. 'Cause I, I, I strongly believe that the majority of people are not married to the person they have the strongest feelings for.

Lewis Howes 1:04:22 [whistles] Really?

Stephan Speaks 1:04:24 Yes. And, and a, a, an even better test is ask yourself this: if you get with this new person and that person that you had stronger feelings for comes back into your life, will you be okay? A lot of people, if that person came back and was like, "I love you. I made some mistakes. I want you back," it, it's not that they will automatically leave their new relationship, but they will be torn and conflicted.

Lewis Howes 1:04:49 Ooh.

Stephan Speaks 1:04:49 It will impact them. When you are really with the right person, that wouldn't phase you anymore. You'd be like, "Uh, please, get out of here. I'm good. I'm, I'm doing amazing. I'm with the person I know is the one for me." But when they are the person you have the strongest feelings for and they come back, you're gonna be rattled.

Lewis Howes 1:05:07 So I'm hearing you say that it's not as much the time in between relationships, it's the work, the process of acknowledgement, healing, letting go.

Stephan Speaks 1:05:17 Yes.

Lewis Howes 1:05:17 Where you could meet someone within a couple of weeks depending on, like, if you were already unwinding in the previous relationship for a year or two.

Stephan Speaks 1:05:25 Yes.

Lewis Howes 1:05:25 You could find someone and be like, "This con- connection is just, you can't get us apart," and you could jump right in.

Stephan Speaks 1:05:34 Yes, absolutely.

Lewis Howes 1:05:35 Is that... Yeah.

Stephan Speaks 1:05:35 Absolutely.

Lewis Howes 1:05:36 Can self-love ever be a bad thing in relationships, or too much self-love, uh, in a relationship?

Stephan Speaks 1:05:45 I, I don't think self-love in its true form can ever be a bad thing. It's just that some people hide their arrogance and being self-absorbed b- with the label of self-love.

Lewis Howes 1:05:58 What's the difference between self-love and self-absorption?

Stephan Speaks 1:06:02 All right. Self-absorption is flat out being selfish.

Lewis Howes 1:06:05 [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 1:06:05 It's flat out who cares about how anyone else feels, it's all about you, you, you, you, you, you, you. All right? There's no consideration of other individuals, and you have no compromise in self-absorption. Self-absorption is it's my way or the highway. There's nothing else.

Lewis Howes 1:06:20 [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 1:06:20 There's no other way around that. Self-love is simply the act of, again, pouring positive energy into you, um, being patient with yourself, you know, giving yourself what you need. It, it, it's a lot of self-care. But it doesn't have the inability to be compromising. It doesn't have the inability to consider other people's feelings. You know, it's almost like, okay, I'ma make sure I have what I need to eat. But I could give you some food if, if you're hurting. You know what I'm saying? Where self-absorbed is, "Forget you. This is all mine. Don't come near me. I got nothing for you." You know what I'm saying? It's very different. So to me, self-love, because love is pure, love is a beautiful thing, and there's, there's no way real love, whether it be of self or of others, can ever be bad. But too many people use the label of love to disguise other toxic energies, behaviors, and, and perceptions.

Lewis Howes 1:07:16 If someone is feeling down and out, and they can't get out of a funk, and they've followed the process of a lot of bad habits and decisions and thoughts and words, and all these things that have kept them down, what are five of the most common self-love practices that you've seen or you've coached with women that you've seen elevate their relationship with themselves, increase their self-worth, and get back on track? What are those five key kind of self-love practices?

Stephan Speaks 1:07:47 All right. So let me just say in advance that some of these well, might be surprising to some people, but they really make a difference in self-love and getting yourself back on track. So number one is actually eating right.

Lewis Howes 1:08:00 Hmm.

Stephan Speaks 1:08:01 I remember I, I went to a counselor when I was, um, back in my college days. Um, and I remember the counselor telling me, "Listen, whenever you're going through something, the worst thing you could do is start to eat bad."

Lewis Howes 1:08:14 That ice cream tastes so good-

Stephan Speaks 1:08:15 [laughs]

Lewis Howes 1:08:15 ... but then makes you feel so bad for the next 24 hours.

Stephan Speaks 1:08:19 Exactly, because now if you're already depressed-

Lewis Howes 1:08:22 Oh

Stephan Speaks 1:08:22 ... or down, okay, for that moment that you're eating it, you may feel a little bit better, but the impact the sugar's gonna have on you, that crash you're gonna feel, the way it weighs you down, makes you more sluggish, you're only compounding the issue. All right? So it's okay if you have a moment of eating whatever, but you, you, but your consistent diet needs to be as much healthier because that will give you more energy, it will affect your mood, it affects your hormone levels. These things are important. So being mindful of your eating habits and your overall diet is extremely important when it comes to self-love and, and breaking out of that funk.

Lewis Howes 1:09:03 That's number one.

Stephan Speaks 1:09:03 Number-

Lewis Howes 1:09:03 I love that one.

Stephan Speaks 1:09:05 Number two is getting some damn sleep. All right?

Lewis Howes 1:09:08 I was just gonna say that. It's gotta be sleep.

Stephan Speaks 1:09:10 [laughs] That's really what... I mean, so many people are sleep deprived, and you know how hard it is to be positive and productive when you're tired and cranky?

Lewis Howes 1:09:19 It's almost impossible.

Stephan Speaks 1:09:21 Exactly. Exactly. So getting a good night's rest, and that's the key. It's not just going to sleep, it's getting quality sleep. So you want to try to, uh, turn off electronics, like, 30 minutes before you go to bed. You, you, you want to set an ambiance in your room that makes it more peaceful and easier for you to rest. You really want to clear your mind. You don't want to be stressing while you're sleeping, 'cause that happens. All right? You got a million things running through your mind. You never really had peace even in your sleep. So learning how to unwind properly before bed, having a set sleep schedule so you can get consistent hours of sleep, days on, days off, or whatever, um, this is gonna be very important in helping you with your self-love and, and improving, you, you know, your overall quality of life, to be honest with you.

Lewis Howes 1:10:10 Yeah. Okay, number three?

Stephan Speaks 1:10:12 Number three is creating boundaries in your life.

Lewis Howes 1:10:17 Hmm.

Stephan Speaks 1:10:17 So the problem a lot of times when we start to get down and out is that there are no boundaries, whether it be maybe with your kids, friends, and family. So for example, let's say you're the person who's always helping everyone else. Now you're in this funk and you don't have anyone to turn to, but because you've established no boundaries, people keep trying to come to you and pull from you, and they don't stop to say, "Are you okay?" Because they're used to you having it all together. They think you're always fine. So all they keep doing is taking, taking, taking. And if you don't set the boundary that says, "Listen, I'm not in a good place right now. I can't help you right now. I love you. You know I'm always there for you, but right now I need time for me," you've got to set that boundary. And again, I don't care if it's kids, family, hell, sometimes even your own partner. Letting your partner know, "Hey, you know what? Just give me a day to get myself together. I'm going to s- I gotta process this. It's nothing about you. Just trust me. Let me do what I need to do." Sometimes we need that. So setting boundaries, being able to say no to people, that's huge in self-love. And again, don't confuse that with what I said earlier about being self-absorbed and selfish. It, when, when it's for self-preservation in the sense that you're drained and burnt out, it is necessary at that point.

Lewis Howes 1:11:36 It's a must, yeah.

Stephan Speaks 1:11:37 Exactly. It's nothing selfish about it in, in that sense. You need it so you can recharge your batteries, and then you can come back better than ever and you can help whoever you want to help.

Lewis Howes 1:11:46 Absolutely. Okay, so these are all, these, so far these three things are not the typical things that you'd hear women talk about self-love, which is get a massage, get your nails done, go have some wine.

Stephan Speaks 1:11:56 Hmm.

Lewis Howes 1:11:57 So I'm hearing some contradictions which are inspiring for me, 'cause I think these are the healthy ways to create self-love. What's, what's number four and five?

Stephan Speaks 1:12:06 So number four is, I think, creating, basically doing things you enjoy.

Lewis Howes 1:12:12 Hmm.

Stephan Speaks 1:12:12 So now this is where we can get into the massages and-

Lewis Howes 1:12:16 Yeah

Stephan Speaks 1:12:17 ... things of that nature. I do think there is a place for that in self-love and self-care because, again, you gotta put a smile on your face.

Lewis Howes 1:12:24 Yeah. [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 1:12:25 You gotta create happiness within you. So whether that's, again, going out to the park, going to a festival, whatever, I, I always suggest, again, you want to add structure to your life to where you make sure you're always making this a priority. So whether it's once a week, maybe once a month, whatever, there has to be, "I'm gonna do something for me." All right? Whatever that is. Even, and, and I will share this, even for myself, I've had the hardest time- ... doing something for me.

Lewis Howes 1:12:54 Yeah

Stephan Speaks 1:12:54 Like buying myself a gift or what do I like? And so, like I now am gonna make a budget and there's gonna be money set aside for play money. This is to, for me. That's it.

Lewis Howes 1:13:06 So whatever you wanna do, this is-

Stephan Speaks 1:13:07 Not for bills. Exactly.

Lewis Howes 1:13:08 Yeah. Okay.

Stephan Speaks 1:13:09 Don't worry about investments. Don't worry about bills. This is just for me. Burn through it all.

Lewis Howes 1:13:13 Burn through your money. [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 1:13:16 Exactly. You know? Yes.

Lewis Howes 1:13:17 But it brings you enjoyment, it brings you fun, it brings you play.

Stephan Speaks 1:13:21 Yes.

Lewis Howes 1:13:21 Those things.

Stephan Speaks 1:13:22 And it takes pressure off of you. We're so bombarded by bills, responsibility, I gotta do this, I gotta be, be wise with this. Yo, be free. Just create. Again, and, and if you don't have the budget for that, create time for it.

Lewis Howes 1:13:36 Yeah.

Stephan Speaks 1:13:36 But you need that time or budget, whatever, where you can just be free and live your life.

Lewis Howes 1:13:42 Mm, I love that.

Stephan Speaks 1:13:42 It can put a smile on your face.

Lewis Howes 1:13:44 I love that. And what would you say is the fifth thing that we can do to increase our self-love?

Stephan Speaks 1:13:49 So for me, it's gonna be about prayer and meditation. I feel like we overlook how much we are bombarded by in life. Um, and even something as simple as a morning routine, which would be perfect time to do prayer and meditation, would make a huge difference. Like I've noticed, um, and I remember even, uh, Jim Kwik, who you've had on your show before-

Lewis Howes 1:14:12 Yep

Stephan Speaks 1:14:13 ... he mentioned about like when you wake up, don't jump straight to the phone. Don't go straight to electronics. Take time in the morning to clear your mind, relax. So this is a great time to meditate, pray, stretch. All right? This can set the tone for the rest of your day. And again, it will help you elevate the energy in your body. It will help you be more positive. It will help you be more calm. It will eliminate all the, the brain fog you can experience when the minute you go, jump up, you gotta go take care of kids or you gotta run to the computer or you gotta run to your phone. Stop all that. And if it requires waking up a little bit earlier so you can have 30 minutes of peaceful time, prayer, meditation to yourself in the morning, then do that.

Lewis Howes 1:14:56 Do that. A-

Stephan Speaks 1:14:56 It is absolutely worth it

Lewis Howes 1:14:57 ... and go to bed a little earlier too if you need to get more-

Stephan Speaks 1:15:00 Exactly

Lewis Howes 1:15:00 ... you know, you wanna make sure you get the right amount of sleep. Don't sacrifice sleep to do that. Just go to bed a little earlier.

Stephan Speaks 1:15:06 Exactly. Sacrifice that reality TV show.

Lewis Howes 1:15:09 I know.

Stephan Speaks 1:15:10 Sacrifice unnecessary conversations. Sacrifice browsing through comment sections on social media that aren't doing you any favors.

Lewis Howes 1:15:18 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 1:15:18 Let that go. Preserve yourself. Go to sleep. Get your rest. Pray, meditate, all that good stuff.

Lewis Howes 1:15:24 I love that, man. Is there a different way to love yourself versus loving your partner or lov- loving others?

Stephan Speaks 1:15:32 No, I think it's all the same. Uh, because again, the, the foundational principles of love, being patient, kind, uh, uh, l- loving, compassionate, all these different things, you need to give that to you just as you need to give that to your partner.

Lewis Howes 1:15:47 Mm-hmm.

Stephan Speaks 1:15:47 Just as I want you to tap into your partner's needs, I want you to tap into your needs. You see? It's all the same. It makes no difference because love is love. It is consistent all the way around. So there is no difference in my eyes.

Lewis Howes 1:16:01 When will you know if the relationship is over? Even if you have this incredible connection or chemistry, but for whatever reason, you guys are, it's too much arguments, it's too much hurt, it's too much pain, when should you know that it's over?

Stephan Speaks 1:16:17 When one or both parties isn't willing to do the work necessary to fix it. So if we come to the table and discuss the issues and this person wants to be dismissive, deflect, and does not want to accept what needs to be done, relationship over. It doesn't mean things can't work out later, but there's no point in pushing through right now if that person's not willing to work with you. It doesn't make any sense. Or if you're not willing to put in the necessary work. So if, if we come to the table and say, "We need to both go to therapy if we're gonna make this work," and one or both of us is against it, then why are we still trying to have a relationship? Nothing's gonna work here. We're gonna drag this along, add more damage to the relationship, add more damage to ourselves, and we're still gonna inevitably end in disaster. Better to cut the cord now, and if anyone ever has a revelation to where now they realize I'm ready to put in the work, we can have a discussion at that time.

Lewis Howes 1:17:17 Wow. What's the greatest skill an individual can develop before getting into a relationship, and what's the greatest skill they could develop during a relationship to ensure they have a thriving, happy, healthy relationship?

Stephan Speaks 1:17:34 Effective communication.

Lewis Howes 1:17:36 [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 1:17:36 And I, I stress the word effective.

Lewis Howes 1:17:39 [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 1:17:40 Because [laughs] people think, "Well, I talk to them." No, you screamed, you lashed out, you insulted them, you attacked. That's not effective communication. And effective communication is not just expressing yourself, it's learning how to listen, learning how to process and receive what they're saying, learning how to put yourself, put yourself in their shoes. Too many times we reject what our partner says because we only wanna look at it from our angle. We have to put ourselves in their shoes for a moment and feel what they're feeling. [laughs]

Lewis Howes 1:18:16 I got a real question for you.

Stephan Speaks 1:18:17 Okay.

Lewis Howes 1:18:18 What if their shoes are wrong? [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 1:18:20 [laughs] Well, listen, even if their shoes are wrong, we have to understand why they, they chose those shoes. Well, like w- how did we get here? Why are you seeing it this way?

Lewis Howes 1:18:33 Yeah.

Stephan Speaks 1:18:33 So sometimes wrong is just a matter of perception, all right?

Lewis Howes 1:18:38 [laughs]

Stephan Speaks 1:18:38 So for example, and I mentioned this on the last episode we had, where there was the guy, he had a girlfriend, they went to their pa- uh, his parents' house for a weekend and, uh, she, he didn't have any towels laid out for her when it was time to go to bed, and she blew up on him because she said, "You, you're never considerate of me. You never think of me." And he's like, "Damn, it's just a towel. Well, what's the problem?" [laughs] Okay? Now, in that moment, sh- to him she's being wrong. But she's wrong to him because your perception is it's about the towel. It's not about the towel. Listen to what she said, "You never consider me." So now why do you feel like I never consider you? Now we can dig deeper into finding out. Now she may say, "Because when this happened, you did this. When this happened, you did that." And you might say, "Oh, now I see why she feels that way." Because we got away from the surface of the towel and we got into the deeper reasoning why she's in those shoes. All right? So that's what we have to do.

Lewis Howes 1:19:40 It still takes effective, loving communication-

Stephan Speaks 1:19:43 Yes

Lewis Howes 1:19:43 ... from the woman to bring it up and not attack as well.

Stephan Speaks 1:19:47 A- and, yes. And that's, that's, that's why I said that's the key. You, we have to learn how to express ourselves in a calm, loving manner. The minute you attack someone, they will defend themselves, and their ability to receive what you're saying or how you're feeling is completely diminished. Because now they're in defense mode, and now their brain is scattered thinking about how to, to, to, you know, get you off their back so to speak. So if you come at them the right way, you speak calmly, lovingly... And again, even in you expressing your frustration, you have to put yourself in that other person's shoes as to why they're not seeing what you're saying right now.

Lewis Howes 1:20:25 Hmm.

Stephan Speaks 1:20:25 Because now when you understand they don't get it because of XYZ, I can adjust the way I'm delivering this message. Or I can give you an example that helps you understand it. Like me as a speaker, I believe one of the reasons why I'm successful is because I'm able to give analogies and examples that can connect with that person who may not understand this if I just spoke it in psychological terms or whatever the case may be. And so, you have to learn how to bring the conversation to them, not just expecting them to take it as you wanna give it.

Lewis Howes 1:21:00 Yeah. And also think to yourself, "Would you like it if my partner was doing this to me? Just coming at me for something that may seem small to them or seem small to me, but it's really about a bigger problem."

Stephan Speaks 1:21:11 Exactly.

Lewis Howes 1:21:12 So don't come at someone unless you want them to come at you in the same way.

Stephan Speaks 1:21:16 [laughs]

Lewis Howes 1:21:16 And, and you'll be fine with it.

Stephan Speaks 1:21:18 Absolutely.

Lewis Howes 1:21:19 Are these principles, uh, in romantic partnerships, can you apply some of these same principles in family member relationships, friends, colleagues, business relationships? Or do different relationships need to be treated differently?

Stephan Speaks 1:21:35 No, it's, it's, again, it's all the same. The, the difference between romantic relationship and the other relationships is that, one, we're at- physically attracted to each other. All right? Physical attraction is like the main ingredient that takes us from being friends to being, wanting to be lovers. Um, but the core principles are the same with communication, expressing yourself in a loving, positive manner, putting yourself in their shoes. All of that stuff is the same. Even in business, if you wanna build better business relationships, you gotta learn how to listen, effectively communicate. It's no different. Be patient with them. Now, yes, the other difference between romantic relationship and the other ones is that we are fully committed to this person that we're with. Like, I don't have to deal with my family member if I don't want to. I don't have to deal with this friend if I don't want to. But if you're my partner, I have to deal with you. So w- it's even more important for us to learn how to better engage with each other a- and, and, uh, you know, get along better and communicate better and all these different things. Where yes, that level of priority may not be on those other relationships, but the core principles are pretty much the exact same.

Lewis Howes 1:22:49 I love this, man. So much value here, and I wanna, I wanna go forever but, um-

Stephan Speaks 1:22:54 [laughs]

Lewis Howes 1:22:55 ... I feel like this is a good bit of information for people to take with them and, and go to the next step. And, um, obviously they have a lot they can learn from you on your, your site, on your social media. You've got amazing books out there. You've got a podcast you're coming out with.

Stephan Speaks 1:23:11 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 1:23:11 So if people just follow you on social media, on your website, they can get a lot more information about this. Can, what's the best place for people to go to?

Stephan Speaks 1:23:20 Uh, you can go to my site, uh, stephanspeaks.com. Find me on Instagram, Stephan Speaks, or Twitter. All social media, @stephanspeaks. And then just a quick mention for those who would be interested in learning about healing, and this is one specifically for the women. I do have something for the men coming, but it's not ready just yet. But for the women, healing, tapping into your feminine energy, finding your purpose, hearing God more clearly. It's a special coaching program I have. They can go to receivingmyblessings.com to join the program.

Lewis Howes 1:23:50 Hmm. So if you need some healing in your life, go to receivingmyblessings.com-

Stephan Speaks 1:23:56 Yes

Lewis Howes 1:23:56 ... and check that out. In the previous time we had you on, we talked about your three truths and your definition of greatness, and I wanna, and I'm looking at them right here, but I want people to go back and listen to that episode so you can hear that and so many other things that we talked about there. That can be your next action step as well, to listen to Stephan on that, 'cause I think that was some of the best content you've created was on that interview I think we had together.

Stephan Speaks 1:24:19 [laughs]

Lewis Howes 1:24:20 But I would like to, uh, finish with asking a question. Where is Stephan in his relationship journey?

Stephan Speaks 1:24:27 [laughs]

Lewis Howes 1:24:27 And, and, and what's next for you in terms of have you found someone that you're exploring or dancing with, or are you still waiting for that connection and chemistry to, to come?

Stephan Speaks 1:24:39 Yeah. I mean, I'm, I'm still in the midst of God's process of receiving that in my life. Um, I think the, the misconception by a lot of people is, "Well, if you know all this stuff, why aren't you in a relationship?" But the thing is, it's not about being in a relationship, it's about being with the right person.

Lewis Howes 1:24:53 Hmm.

Stephan Speaks 1:24:53 And receiving the right person who you can align with, who fits with your purpose. Because for, for the men who are walking in purpose, for anyone walking in purpose, you can't align yourself with anybody. You get with the wrong person, that will derail everything.

Lewis Howes 1:25:07 Hmm.

Stephan Speaks 1:25:07 All right? So there's a lot, the stakes are higher. And there's also a lot more required when we want God to bless us with that amazing partner. There's a higher standard that so- than, there's a higher standard set than what society has set as what's necessary. So with that said, I, I just trust God's process and, you know, remain open to that. I know the time will come, it's just about when he deems it ready. Um, and you know, just continue to do what I need to do to help others and, and be the light that others need right now.

Lewis Howes 1:25:38 I love that, man. Well, you're an inspiration. We appreciate you, man. We'll hopefully we'll get you back on here soon in the future when people are struggling and still trying to figure out how to be in a relationship, how to heal. But in the meantime, go check out our previous episode. Go check out Stephan Speaks on social media. If you enjoyed this, make sure to share it and tag Stephan and let him know that you thought this was helpful and inspiring. And share this with some of your friends, guy friends, girl friends, or anyone you think that could use this information in their life to help heal and be in great relationships. So Stephan, you're the man, brother. Appreciate you for being here.

Stephan Speaks 1:26:09 Thanks, man. Appreciate you having me.

Lewis Howes 1:26:10 We'll talk to you soon. And if you wanna learn more about mastering relationships, then make sure to check out this video right here.

Stephan Speaks 1:26:17 The difference between the man who loves you but does not know how you want to be loved, and the man who doesn't care about what you want and how you want to be loved.

Lewis Howes 1:26:28 Hmm.

Stephan Speaks 1:26:28 All right? Don't confuse the two.