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Lewis HowesIn Order To CHANGE YOUR LIFE, You Need To UNDERSTAND THIS FIRST! | Sarah Jakes Roberts & Lewis Howes
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Chapter summaries
Not fitting in becomes the seed of Woman Evolve
Lewis Howes asks about Sarah Jakes Roberts’ biggest insecurity growing up as a preacher’s daughter. She shares how feeling like she didn’t belong—neither in church nor elsewhere—later became a strength that shaped the community she built.
- •Sarah Jakes Roberts says her biggest insecurity was feeling like she didn’t fit where she thought she was supposed to fit
- •She describes not feeling fully at home in church culture and not feeling she fit anywhere else either
- •She explains that this outsider feeling pushed her to create a space for women with similar experiences
- •Woman Evolve is framed as a safe space where women bring their whole selves and discern what to eliminate vs. multiply in their lives
Self-worth as the core struggle women face
Asked about the biggest challenge women face today, Sarah points immediately to self-worth. She explains that even highly accomplished women can struggle to receive their own lives and value themselves, especially after painful experiences.
- •Sarah Jakes Roberts identifies self-worth as the biggest challenge she sees for women
- •She says even women who appear successful can struggle to receive the life they have
- •She highlights how women with past challenges may question whether they still have worth with what remains
- •Lewis asks when she felt the most broken, setting up her personal story
The breaking point: infidelity, rage, police, and CPS
Sarah recounts a painful period in her first marriage that included infidelity and a moment where she acted out in anger. The aftermath led to Child Protective Services interviews, and she describes walking out of that office as the lowest point that triggered her decision to do inner work.
- •Sarah Jakes Roberts says she married at 19 and divorced at 23, and describes infidelity in the marriage
- •She shares a night where she rammed a car repeatedly and police were called
- •She explains the vulnerability of not having family support nearby and feeling violated
- •She describes being interviewed by Child Protective Services about whether she was a good mother
- •She identifies leaving the CPS office as the moment she felt most broken and decided she couldn’t keep living that way
Fruit vs. root: why anger wasn’t just about the incident
Lewis asks how someone develops emotional tools beyond reactive anger. Sarah explains that her rage wasn’t only about the event—it was tied to repeated attempts to build a “fixed” image of herself, while the deeper root was a longing to belong.
- •Sarah Jakes Roberts says she wasn’t only upset about the incident but about her life image being repeatedly ‘ripped to shreds’
- •She describes trying to prove she wasn’t ‘the girl who got pregnant at 13’ by creating a new image
- •She explains the marriage and pregnancy were ‘fruit’ of insecurities and fear, not the ‘root’
- •She identifies the root as feeling she didn’t belong and needing someone to affirm her place
- •Lewis pushes the question of what happens if no one ever gives you belonging
Trying on faith: experimenting with a new identity and truth
Sarah says she found belonging through her Christian faith, even when belief felt difficult. She describes ‘trying on’ truth—making decisions as if she were purposeful and valued—and noticing she began to love the person she was becoming.
- •Sarah Jakes Roberts says faith answered her belonging question: you belong because God created you
- •She acknowledges difficulty in feeling special among so many people, yet choosing to surrender to that truth
- •She describes ‘trying on’ faith like a jacket to see how it fits
- •She lists examples of ‘pretending’ a truth (purpose, being wonderfully made) and making decisions from that posture
- •She says she started loving who she was becoming when she believed she was more than what happened to her
Self-forgiveness by embracing the part you cringe at
Lewis asks how to love a past you’re not proud of. Sarah explains that cringing at her teenage pregnancy meant rejecting part of her identity, and that forgiveness came from not judging that younger self but embracing her—making herself whole rather than divided.
- •Sarah Jakes Roberts says she used to cringe looking back at her teenage pregnancy
- •She reframes it as cringing at a part of her identity and truth
- •She describes trying to emotionally separate from that ‘idea’ and living ‘divided’
- •She says forgiveness came from not judging the 13-year-old version of herself
- •When asked, she says it was harder to forgive herself for the teen pregnancy than her ex-husband
Trauma residue: learning to advocate for feelings and rebuild emotional vocabulary
Sarah describes a lasting effect of her early experience: feeling she didn’t have the right to feel hurt because the situation was her ‘fault.’ She shares how she’s learned to advocate for her feelings and rebuild emotional awareness, including using a feelings wheel to name what she’s experiencing.
- •Sarah Jakes Roberts says her ongoing trigger is the residue of not being able to defend herself emotionally
- •She explains that as a teen mom she felt judged everywhere and believed she couldn’t be hurt because it was her decision
- •She says she emotionally shut down at 13 and later had to work to open up again
- •She describes using a ‘feelings wheel’ because her emotional vocabulary is limited
- •She shares that feeling ‘valued’ and ‘respected’ initially felt foreign and triggered a fear-based rejection
Rebuilding self-worth: confronting the ‘poison’ through journaling and blogging
Lewis asks how she ‘got the poison out.’ Sarah outlines a process of first acknowledging it, then giving shame and harsh self-talk a voice through journaling and blogging, and finally learning to respond back until faith and a renewed mind became louder than the poison.
- •Sarah Jakes Roberts says rebuilding started after divorce when she moved back home and rebuilt ‘from the inside out’
- •She describes becoming valued by herself before her current husband ‘echoed’ what she already believed
- •She says the first step was acknowledging the poison existed instead of blocking and dissociating
- •She details journaling and blogging as ways to ‘let the poison speak’
- •She quotes the poison’s messages (worthless, nasty, no purpose) and says it dominated her thoughts from 13 to 23
- •She explains building a response voice—first whispering back, then raising it—until faith replaced the poison
Parenting without perfection: repairing with apologies and teaching recovery
The conversation shifts to parenting and pressure—both from religion and from being in a public-facing life. Sarah emphasizes removing the expectation of perfection, focusing on recovery after mistakes, and highlights the power of apologizing to children and keeping family connection close.
- •Sarah Jakes Roberts compares expecting perfect kids to expecting a dentist’s child to never have a cavity
- •She critiques the pressure that faith means doing everything perfectly and says people struggle under that weight
- •She says her goal for her kids isn’t no mistakes, but learning how to get back on track
- •She explains that children will experience wounds; her role is to teach healing and recovery
- •She shares how her husband models apologizing to children after being too sharp, and how that changed her parenting approach
- •She recounts childhood separation after a move to Dallas and says she now keeps her children close so they feel part of it, not a piece in it
Self-worth as acceptance—and reclaiming presence from distraction
Returning to self-worth, Sarah reframes belief as acceptance: surrendering to the reality of your life, body, and past without fear. She argues that practicing presence is difficult in the phone-and-social-media era, and that acceptance is the first step before deciding what must change.
- •Sarah Jakes Roberts ties self-worth struggles to societal messages like pay inequity and body standards
- •She says worth began with an intimate, faith-based conversation that reshaped her view of herself
- •She reframes ‘belief’ as ‘acceptance’ and self-acceptance of actual truth
- •She says fear lessens when you’re no longer afraid of your own truth
- •She argues phones and social media reduce presence, making it harder to fully accept and enjoy life
- •She uses an ‘Amazon box’ analogy: accept what’s there, then decide what stays and what must be returned or changed
Relationships: choosing the right partner and non-negotiables for marriage
Lewis asks what to look for in a partner and what keeps a marriage strong. Sarah stresses self-knowledge first, then choosing someone who has done their own inner work, and valuing laughter; later she outlines key relationship non-negotiables like respect, prioritizing the marriage as the nucleus, and daily recaps.
- •Sarah Jakes Roberts’ three partner criteria: you being your best self, a partner who knows themselves and has done the work, and someone who makes you laugh
- •She emphasizes knowing your strengths, weaknesses, finances, emotions, anger, and childhood baggage before evaluating someone else
- •She shares a quote from her father about choosing who you want beside you in your most fragile moment
- •Her marriage non-negotiables include deep respect for her husband’s mind and worldview
- •She says they prioritize the couple as the nucleus and won’t fake being fine; they address issues directly even if it disrupts plans
- •She describes a nightly ‘recap our day’ ritual to understand each other’s perspective and love better
Fear, mastery, and redefining success as the process
The discussion turns to her book theme: breaking up with fear. Sarah describes fear as something you’re ‘in relationship with’ that pretends to keep you safe, while faith demands courage. She reframes failure as part of mastery and argues that tying outcomes to identity makes people quit too soon.
- •Sarah Jakes Roberts says being ‘in relationship’ with fears means fear dictates where you go and how you move
- •She says fear can signal a lack of trust in your ability to handle disappointment or failure
- •She states that not everything you do will win and that you’ll ‘suck sometimes’
- •She references a conversation she heard about success vs. mastery and says mastery includes dissecting failure for wisdom
- •She explains people stop after failure when they wanted success to define their value and identity
- •She says ‘success is in the process, not the outcome,’ emphasizing who you become
Time, trust, and the tour moment that healed an old wound
Sarah names her current fear as missing her life by being too busy building it, and describes scheduling blank space and resisting performance pressure. She also shares a pivotal spiritual moment before her first tour where a painful phrase from her past was transformed into a source of confidence and calling.
- •Sarah Jakes Roberts says her biggest fear is missing her life by being too busy building it
- •She describes avoiding pressure to perform and intentionally scheduling time to do nothing
- •She says saying yes to everything can come from scarcity and fear of losing opportunities
- •She explains trusting timing—waiting until she has something she’s passionate enough to write—rather than forcing output
- •She shares that before the 2018 tour, old self-doubt resurfaced from a past remark: ‘I always knew to expect something like this out of you’
- •In worship/meditation she felt God repeat that phrase in a new way, turning it into empowerment and helping the old wound lose its power
Money, mission, and building sustainable streams—then pivoting in the pandemic
Lewis asks about money mindset in church contexts. Sarah explains she intentionally created multiple income streams so the ministry side could remain accessible, discusses overhead realities, and describes how she pivoted during the pandemic—while also choosing to give money away as an act of faith.
- •Sarah Jakes Roberts says stigma around money and church still exists and may be heightened by her sensitivity to it
- •She explains building multiple income streams (store/products, podcast ads, subscriptions) to keep ministry content accessible
- •She describes balancing production costs, touring expenses, paying staff, and keeping prices reasonable while offering free resources too
- •She speaks about normalizing images of Black luxury and success alongside real hardship narratives
- •She says feeling able to sustain a growing team and overhead solidified right before the pandemic
- •During the pandemic she pivoted by expanding podcast frequency and adding subscription content, and she also gave money away regularly to people in need
- •She says strategy matters for money stress, and she brings in more qualified experts to teach financial mindsets
Closing reflections: balancing roles, ‘three truths,’ and defining greatness
In the final stretch, Sarah shares personal pride in homemaking and explains her approach to balance: being fully present in one role at a time. Lewis asks his signature ‘three truths’ question, and Sarah answers with a faith-centered triad before defining greatness as vulnerable living that doesn’t depend on validation.
- •Sarah Jakes Roberts says she’s proud of creating home environment—assembling furniture, making breakfasts, cooking dinners—because she genuinely enjoys it
- •She explains balance as not being all roles at once, but being fully present in the role required in that moment and then closing that door
- •Asked what she’d tell her 13-year-old self, she says she would hug herself tightly and whisper ‘You’re gonna be okay’
- •In the ‘three truths’ segment, she lists: God is real, God is good, God is in you
- •She defines greatness as daring to live vulnerably—creating, loving, and working from vulnerability where validation is nice but not necessary
