In Order To CHANGE YOUR LIFE, You Need To UNDERSTAND THIS FIRST! | Sarah Jakes Roberts & Lewis Howes

1. 0:00 – 2:05

   Not fitting in becomes the seed of Woman Evolve

   1. SRSarah Jakes Roberts0:00

      Belief is actually acceptance and finding worth in the acceptance of our actual truth, and truth building us up in such a way that we live without fear because-

   2. LHLewis Howes0:11

      I think you gotta have a dream

   3. SRSarah Jakes Roberts0:12

      The School of Greatness.

   4. LHLewis Howes0:13

      Really? [laughs] Yeah.

   5. SRSarah Jakes Roberts0:15

      Please welcome Lewis Howes.

   6. LHLewis Howes0:17

      Very excited. You've got incredible energy. Right when, right when we just met recently, you've got incredible glow about you and energy, and I just feel like there's a truth inside of you.

   7. SRSarah Jakes Roberts0:25

      Mm-hmm.

   8. LHLewis Howes0:26

      But I know that you didn't always have that truth.

   9. SRSarah Jakes Roberts0:29

      No.

   10. LHLewis Howes0:29

       And I know you went through some challenges earlier in your, in your teens.

   11. SRSarah Jakes Roberts0:34

       Yeah.

   12. LHLewis Howes0:34

       And I'm curious, what is the biggest insecurity you've had to overcome, especially being raised, um, in the church and with a, you know, a father who's a, a preacher, uh, and a big personality? What's the biggest insecurity you've had to come, overcome growing up-

   13. SRSarah Jakes Roberts0:51

       Yeah

   14. LHLewis Howes0:51

       ... with all that?

   15. SRSarah Jakes Roberts0:52

       No, I love that. I think the biggest insecurity is also the thing that has become my greatest strength, but it's ultimately that I didn't fit where I thought I was supposed to fit. Um, growing up with T.D. Jakes as my dad, you know, I didn't always feel like I fit in church. Like, you know, not too long ago, I did a DMX tribute episode on my podcast, so that gives you an idea-

   16. LHLewis Howes1:13

       [laughs]

   17. SRSarah Jakes Roberts1:13

       ... of the type of gospel music-

   18. LHLewis Howes1:15

       Sure

   19. SRSarah Jakes Roberts1:15

       ... I preferred. So I didn't feel like I really fit in church, but obviously I'm not a thug fully. You know, in my heart, I am one a little bit. But, um, so I really didn't feel like there was a space for me anywhere.

   20. LHLewis Howes1:26

       Mm.

   21. SRSarah Jakes Roberts1:27

       And so, you know, now you fast-forward and I feel that way actually is why I kind of created a space for different women who were like me.

   22. LHLewis Howes1:36

       You just feel like you didn't belong in the space-

   23. SRSarah Jakes Roberts1:38

       Yeah

   24. LHLewis Howes1:38

       ... that there was?

   25. SRSarah Jakes Roberts1:39

       Yeah.

   26. LHLewis Howes1:40

       And so then you said, "I'm gonna create a space," and then people came into it.

   27. SRSarah Jakes Roberts1:43

       Yeah.

   28. LHLewis Howes1:44

       What is that space called?

   29. SRSarah Jakes Roberts1:46

       Woman Evolve is what I branded it, but, um, you know, I feel like it's a safe space-

   30. LHLewis Howes1:53

       Mm
2. 2:05 – 2:39

   Self-worth as the core struggle women face

   1. LHLewis Howes2:05

      What is the biggest challenge that women are faced with today that you see?

   2. SRSarah Jakes Roberts2:08

      [laughs] Self-worth. Self-worth. I think even women who you would think have succeeded so much that they should find value in where they are in life still struggle to receive the life that they live.

   3. LHLewis Howes2:23

      Mm.

   4. SRSarah Jakes Roberts2:23

      And certainly women who've had challenges like I have, uh, wonder if there is any way that they can have worth with the broken pieces they have left.

   5. LHLewis Howes2:34

      When did you feel the most broken?

   6. SRSarah Jakes Roberts2:36

      Oh, okay. Do you want the full story?

   7. LHLewis Howes2:38

      Full story, yeah.

3. 2:39 – 6:09

   The breaking point: infidelity, rage, police, and CPS

   1. SRSarah Jakes Roberts2:39

      Okay. So I was married before.

   2. LHLewis Howes2:41

      Mm-hmm.

   3. SRSarah Jakes Roberts2:42

      And when I was-

   4. LHLewis Howes2:42

      How old were you?

   5. SRSarah Jakes Roberts2:43

      I was 19 when I got married and 23 when I got divorced. So, uh, a, a point in that marriage, um, there was some infidelity and... Okay, so here we go.

   6. LHLewis Howes2:55

      Oh.

   7. SRSarah Jakes Roberts2:55

      This is the School of Greatness.

   8. LHLewis Howes2:56

      On which s- on which side?

   9. SRSarah Jakes Roberts2:57

      On his side.

   10. LHLewis Howes2:58

       Okay.

   11. SRSarah Jakes Roberts2:58

       Okay, on his side there was infidelity.

   12. LHLewis Howes3:00

       Oh, she's, she's getting real. [laughs]

   13. SRSarah Jakes Roberts3:01

       I'm, I'm starting now.

   14. LHLewis Howes3:02

       She's getting into it. [laughs]

   15. SRSarah Jakes Roberts3:03

       I'm gonna, I'm about to tell you the whole story now.

   16. LHLewis Howes3:05

       Okay. [laughs]

   17. SRSarah Jakes Roberts3:05

       Uh, so there was infidelity on his side, and there was this moment where something happened. I won't go into the full-

   18. LHLewis Howes3:11

       Sure

   19. SRSarah Jakes Roberts3:11

       ... details, but, uh, they called the police on me, 'cause your girl lost it, okay?

   20. LHLewis Howes3:15

       A little... [laughs]

   21. SRSarah Jakes Roberts3:16

       Lost it. [laughs]

   22. LHLewis Howes3:17

       Okay. [laughs]

   23. SRSarah Jakes Roberts3:18

       All right?

   24. LHLewis Howes3:18

       Like lost it in terms of screaming, fighting, punching.

   25. SRSarah Jakes Roberts3:22

       I did take my car and ram another car repeatedly.

   26. LHLewis Howes3:25

       [laughs] Oh my God.

   27. SRSarah Jakes Roberts3:26

       Here we go, the School of Greatness.

   28. LHLewis Howes3:27

       Wow. How old were you?

   29. SRSarah Jakes Roberts3:28

       Uh, prob- 22.

   30. LHLewis Howes3:30

       Wow. Okay. You-
4. 6:09 – 7:32

   Fruit vs. root: why anger wasn’t just about the incident

   1. LHLewis Howes6:09

      You'd probably react the way you think to react. I'm gonna re- I'm gonna be angry, I'm gonna fight, I'm gonna scream. Like, that's a normal response that you might see. So how does someone learn to develop tools, emotional skills to go beyond that?

   2. SRSarah Jakes Roberts6:24

      Okay. So what I learned is that I wasn't just upset about the incident.

   3. LHLewis Howes6:29

      Mm.

   4. SRSarah Jakes Roberts6:29

      I was upset that every time I was trying to create this image of my life, it kept being ripped to shreds.

   5. LHLewis Howes6:35

      What image?

   6. SRSarah Jakes Roberts6:36

      This image of not a girl who got pregnant at 13. Like, whoever you-

   7. LHLewis Howes6:40

      Ah

   8. SRSarah Jakes Roberts6:40

      ... think that girl is, that's not who I am. Like, look, I went to school.

   9. LHLewis Howes6:43

      Mm.

   10. SRSarah Jakes Roberts6:43

       Look, I finally got married. I was trying to fix this image of myself. And so emotional tools for me came down to realizing that the marriage and even the pregnancy was the fruit, but it was not the root.

   11. LHLewis Howes6:59

       Mm.

   12. SRSarah Jakes Roberts6:59

       It was the fruit of my insecurities, it was the fruit of my fear, it was the fruit of feeling like I didn't belong, but it wasn't the root. Emotiona-

   13. LHLewis Howes7:07

       What's the root?

   14. SRSarah Jakes Roberts7:08

       The root was that feeling like I didn't belong and needing someone to tell me, "You belong here." Whether that was as a teenager or even as an adult woman, "I want you. This is where you belong. This is where you're supposed to be." And I kept hoping someone would answer that question for me, where do I belong?

   15. LHLewis Howes7:27

       What if no one ever answers that for you?

   16. SRSarah Jakes Roberts7:29

       It-

   17. LHLewis Howes7:29

       What if, what if no one ever says you belong here?

5. 7:32 – 8:50

   Trying on faith: experimenting with a new identity and truth

   1. SRSarah Jakes Roberts7:32

      So for me, I found the answer in my faith.

   2. LHLewis Howes7:35

      Mm.

   3. SRSarah Jakes Roberts7:35

      Because the whole premise of our faith for me as a Christian is that you belong here because God created you and placed you in this earth. And yet it's difficult to understand, like there, okay, well, there are millions and billions of people around me, like, so why does that make me special? Why does anyone care? And still surrendering to it as truth and asking myself, well, if I decided, if I just chose to try-

   4. LHLewis Howes8:02

      Yes

   5. SRSarah Jakes Roberts8:02

      ... and believe this one day it's truth, what would my life look like? What decisions would I make? How would I show up in the world? And it was really like me just trying it on, right? Like I'm just gonna-

   6. LHLewis Howes8:12

      Oh

   7. SRSarah Jakes Roberts8:12

      ... try on this truth.

   8. LHLewis Howes8:14

      See how it feels.

   9. SRSarah Jakes Roberts8:14

      Just see.

   10. LHLewis Howes8:15

       Yeah.

   11. SRSarah Jakes Roberts8:15

       Just see who I become. [laughs]

   12. LHLewis Howes8:16

       See if this jacket fit me, you know what I'm saying?

   13. SRSarah Jakes Roberts8:17

       You know, like, and that to me is what happens in faith in general, is like I'm trying it on.

   14. LHLewis Howes8:22

       Mm-hmm.

   15. SRSarah Jakes Roberts8:22

       Like, I don't know if I fully believe it myself.

   16. LHLewis Howes8:25

       Mm-hmm.

   17. SRSarah Jakes Roberts8:25

       But I'm gonna step into a faith that I don't fully understand and see how it can fit in my life. So I'm gonna pretend that I'm fearfully and wonderfully made, and I'm gonna make decisions from this heart posture.

   18. LHLewis Howes8:37

       Mm.

   19. SRSarah Jakes Roberts8:37

       I'm gonna pretend that I am not random and my life has purpose, and I'm gonna see how I show up in the world as a result of that. And I started loving the person who I was becoming when I believed that I was more than what just happened to me.

6. 8:50 – 12:51

   Self-forgiveness by embracing the part you cringe at

   1. LHLewis Howes8:50

      How do we love the image of a past that we're not proud of?

   2. SRSarah Jakes Roberts8:54

      I-

   3. LHLewis Howes8:54

      How do we make that our fruit-

   4. SRSarah Jakes Roberts8:56

      Yeah

   5. LHLewis Howes8:56

      ... and not a pain?

   6. SRSarah Jakes Roberts8:57

      Yeah. Okay. This is, you're right up my alley with this.

   7. LHLewis Howes9:00

      [laughs]

   8. SRSarah Jakes Roberts9:01

      Because a lot of times when we, like when I looked back at my teenage pregnancy, I cringed.

   9. LHLewis Howes9:06

      Mm.

   10. SRSarah Jakes Roberts9:06

       You know? And yet I'm cringing about a part of my identity. Like, this is truth. You know? This is who I am. I spent so long trying to not be the girl who got pregnant at 13, but-

   11. LHLewis Howes9:16

       Mm

   12. SRSarah Jakes Roberts9:16

       ... I am the girl who got pregnant at 13. That's my truth.

   13. LHLewis Howes9:18

       You tried to hide it. You tried to-

   14. SRSarah Jakes Roberts9:20

       I, in my mind emotionally, I felt like I wanna separate-

   15. LHLewis Howes9:24

       Ah

   16. SRSarah Jakes Roberts9:24

       ... from this idea that that's who I am.

   17. LHLewis Howes9:27

       But it's a part of you.

   18. SRSarah Jakes Roberts9:28

       It is a part of me.

   19. LHLewis Howes9:29

       Mm-hmm.

   20. SRSarah Jakes Roberts9:29

       And so I was living divided. And forgiveness for me came from not-

   21. LHLewis Howes9:34

       Mm

   22. SRSarah Jakes Roberts9:35

       ... judging that girl who got pregnant at 13.

   23. LHLewis Howes9:38

       Mm.

   24. SRSarah Jakes Roberts9:38

       It came from embracing her.

   25. LHLewis Howes9:41

       Yeah.

   26. SRSarah Jakes Roberts9:42

       Embracing her.

   27. LHLewis Howes9:43

       Was it harder for you to forgive yourself or your husband?

   28. SRSarah Jakes Roberts9:47

       Mm.

   29. LHLewis Howes9:47

       Uh, not yourself [laughs] for ramming the car.

   30. SRSarah Jakes Roberts9:50

       No, I didn't fight him. [laughs]
7. 12:51 – 16:36

   Trauma residue: learning to advocate for feelings and rebuild emotional vocabulary

   1. LHLewis Howes12:51

      What is the greatest trauma that you are still dealing with the most?

   2. SRSarah Jakes Roberts12:55

      Mm.

   3. LHLewis Howes12:56

      That you've maybe started the healing process and you've improved, but you're like, "That still triggers me. Ugh. Maybe I'm not slamming cars into someone-

   4. SRSarah Jakes Roberts13:03

      [laughs]

   5. LHLewis Howes13:03

      ... but it's still like, that doesn't feel good."

   6. SRSarah Jakes Roberts13:06

      You know, I don't know that I have a certain incident that triggers me.

   7. LHLewis Howes13:15

      Mm-hmm.

   8. SRSarah Jakes Roberts13:15

      But I think the residue of not being able to defend myself.

   9. LHLewis Howes13:23

      Emotionally, spiritually, physically.

   10. SRSarah Jakes Roberts13:25

       First of all, you better ask these questions. Um. [laughs]

   11. LHLewis Howes13:28

       [laughs] I'm trying to get clarity here.

   12. SRSarah Jakes Roberts13:31

       I think emotionally.

   13. LHLewis Howes13:32

       Uh-huh.

   14. SRSarah Jakes Roberts13:32

       Because th- uh, I think that the residue of that shows up in my life, and I have to advocate for my feelings.

   15. LHLewis Howes13:39

       Mm.

   16. SRSarah Jakes Roberts13:40

       Because when I got pregnant, I felt like I d- I felt like I did something wrong, okay?

   17. LHLewis Howes13:45

       Interesting.

   18. SRSarah Jakes Roberts13:46

       And this is not just something wrong in church, right? 'Cause if you do something wrong in church, there's another community that will embrace you.

   19. LHLewis Howes13:52

       Right.

   20. SRSarah Jakes Roberts13:52

       When you're a teen mom, there's not another community that's like, "Oh, we love teen m-" You know what I mean? Like, "Oh, we... Please have another baby. We love this," you know?

   21. LHLewis Howes14:00

       Right.

   22. SRSarah Jakes Roberts14:00

       And so I didn't have anywhere to go in the world that wouldn't judge me-

   23. LHLewis Howes14:04

       Mm

   24. SRSarah Jakes Roberts14:04

       ... or in the church that wouldn't judge me, and because this was something I willfully did, no one took advantage of me.

   25. LHLewis Howes14:10

       Right.

   26. SRSarah Jakes Roberts14:10

       I felt like, "Well, I can't be hurt over this. I can't be broken over this. I have to let everyone else grieve, and I just have to sit here with my feelings."

   27. LHLewis Howes14:19

       Ooh.

   28. SRSarah Jakes Roberts14:19

       But I was hurt, I was sad, I was disappointed. And so now, even as a woman, I have to learn to advocate for my right to have feelings, even if I've done something wrong.

   29. LHLewis Howes14:30

       Yeah, and even if it was your decision.

   30. SRSarah Jakes Roberts14:32

       Yeah, right. Right.
8. 16:36 – 23:30

   Rebuilding self-worth: confronting the ‘poison’ through journaling and blogging

   1. SRSarah Jakes Roberts16:36

      So in between, so I got divorced-

   2. LHLewis Howes16:38

      Uh-huh

   3. SRSarah Jakes Roberts16:38

      ... and I moved back home with my parents.

   4. LHLewis Howes16:41

      He, you didn't kill him?

   5. SRSarah Jakes Roberts16:42

      No.

   6. LHLewis Howes16:42

      Okay.

   7. SRSarah Jakes Roberts16:42

      No, no, no. [laughs]

   8. LHLewis Howes16:44

      [laughs] Okay.

   9. SRSarah Jakes Roberts16:45

      No, everything worked out fine. I didn't go to prison.

   10. LHLewis Howes16:47

       Oh, wow.

   11. SRSarah Jakes Roberts16:47

       Everything... Yeah, so I-

   12. LHLewis Howes16:48

       You kept your kids

   13. SRSarah Jakes Roberts16:49

       ... I kept my children.

   14. LHLewis Howes16:50

       Wow.

   15. SRSarah Jakes Roberts16:50

       You know? I moved back home with my parents, and I started rebuilding from there, really from the inside out.

   16. LHLewis Howes16:57

       Interesting.

   17. SRSarah Jakes Roberts16:57

       And then, um, you know, I fell in love with myself. Like, I've, because I think I was-

   18. LHLewis Howes17:03

       Mm-hmm

   19. SRSarah Jakes Roberts17:05

       ... so, so just uninterested in who I'd become, that when I finally got out of that marriage, I started confronting my own poison. And I was so in love with myself and with my life and with my children, and we, I was able to get a house by myself. And so, like, I'm a- I, I ended up getting to that place I wanted to be, where I was, like, a good mom and taking care-

   20. LHLewis Howes17:28

       Mm

   21. SRSarah Jakes Roberts17:28

       ... of my children, and I was happy with myself, and I was taking care of my health and my body. And so I felt so valued by myself then-

   22. LHLewis Howes17:36

       Right

   23. SRSarah Jakes Roberts17:36

       ... that when my husband came in, he really just echoed what I was already saying about myself.

   24. LHLewis Howes17:41

       Mm-hmm.

   25. SRSarah Jakes Roberts17:41

       And so I think that me coming to that place on my own had a lot to do with self-forgiveness, and then beginning to work towards a life that felt true to my potential and, uh, my dreams.

   26. LHLewis Howes17:55

       How did you get the poison out?

   27. SRSarah Jakes Roberts17:56

       [laughs] Um, I think the first thing is acknowledging that it was there.

   28. LHLewis Howes18:02

       Oh, 'cause you weren't really acknowledging, like, this is what happened-

   29. SRSarah Jakes Roberts18:05

       Right

   30. LHLewis Howes18:06

       ... and just blocking it and disassociating.
9. 23:30 – 30:25

   Parenting without perfection: repairing with apologies and teaching recovery

   1. SRSarah Jakes Roberts23:31

      out wounded. And this is part of what I thought even when I was a single mother, is like, so my job is not to protect them from harm. I'm gonna do the best that I can, but I realize that they are gonna have some harm, right? They're going to school, they're gonna be around people and peers, and who knows what will happen in that environment. My role is to show them how to recover from harm-

   2. LHLewis Howes23:53

      That's so true

   3. SRSarah Jakes Roberts23:54

      ... how to heal.

   4. LHLewis Howes23:54

      That's so true.

   5. SRSarah Jakes Roberts23:54

      Yeah.

   6. LHLewis Howes23:55

      I feel like no matter how much we create safety for our kids-

   7. SRSarah Jakes Roberts23:59

      Yeah

   8. LHLewis Howes23:59

      ... again, I'm acting like I'm a father, but I'm not. In general, no matter how much we create safety, there's gonna be some trigger-

   9. SRSarah Jakes Roberts24:05

      Yeah

   10. LHLewis Howes24:05

       ... some wound, some pain they feel from peers or school or sports or-

   11. SRSarah Jakes Roberts24:08

       Yeah, it's happening

   12. LHLewis Howes24:09

       ... music, whatever they're in, they're gonna have something that hurts them. We can't always protect our kids, but what you just said, teaching them the tools on how to recover-

   13. SRSarah Jakes Roberts24:17

       Yeah

   14. LHLewis Howes24:18

       ... how to emotionally navigate those feelings-

   15. SRSarah Jakes Roberts24:20

       Yeah

   16. LHLewis Howes24:20

       ... how to express it in a healthier way-

   17. SRSarah Jakes Roberts24:22

       Yeah

   18. LHLewis Howes24:22

       ... is, I think, our responsibility-

   19. SRSarah Jakes Roberts24:25

       Yeah, I agree

   20. LHLewis Howes24:25

       ... as parents or as humans, right?

   21. SRSarah Jakes Roberts24:27

       Yeah. I think I get on my kids' nerves, 'cause I'm like, "Let's look at the feelings here." [laughs]

   22. LHLewis Howes24:30

       [laughs] Let's talk about these feelings.

   23. SRSarah Jakes Roberts24:31

       [laughs]

   24. LHLewis Howes24:32

       Let's write down-

   25. SRSarah Jakes Roberts24:33

       Right, tell me how you're feeling

   26. LHLewis Howes24:34

       ... write down how you feel. Let's process this in a healthy way.

   27. SRSarah Jakes Roberts24:36

       Yeah.

   28. LHLewis Howes24:37

       I think it's better than screaming and raging.

   29. SRSarah Jakes Roberts24:39

       For sure.

   30. LHLewis Howes24:40

       I mean, I think there's a time for feeling the full range of emotions-
10. 30:25 – 34:55

    Self-worth as acceptance—and reclaiming presence from distraction

    1. LHLewis Howes30:25

       No, I'm excited. I, I wanna go back to self-worth, 'cause I think women... this is the thing that you said that women need the most support with.

    2. SRSarah Jakes Roberts30:31

       Yeah.

    3. LHLewis Howes30:32

       Self-worth. Developing self-worth.

    4. SRSarah Jakes Roberts30:34

       Yeah.

    5. LHLewis Howes30:35

       Right? Or one of the main things.

    6. SRSarah Jakes Roberts30:36

       For sure, and I will say that our society plays a big role in that.

    7. LHLewis Howes30:39

       Mm-hmm.

    8. SRSarah Jakes Roberts30:39

       When we don't have equal pay-

    9. LHLewis Howes30:41

       Mm-hmm

    10. SRSarah Jakes Roberts30:41

        ... so that already says that my worth is not as valuable as the worth of my counterparts. Uh, when we have to work twice as hard to just-

    11. LHLewis Howes30:50

        Mm-hmm

    12. SRSarah Jakes Roberts30:50

        ... get the bare base of a salary, I think that that communicates something. When our worth comes down to our body image, and, and what size we are, and what does our skin look like and our hair look like, there are a lot of things that automatically say this is-

    13. LHLewis Howes31:04

        Yeah

    14. SRSarah Jakes Roberts31:04

        ... how I determine your worth. And so don't add any other emotional toxic issues that you may have, 'cause from there, where do I fit at all?

    15. LHLewis Howes31:12

        So how does someone continue to learn how to develop self-worth even when things aren't fair, and things aren't equal yet, and things aren't, uh, where they could be?

    16. SRSarah Jakes Roberts31:22

        Mm-hmm.

    17. LHLewis Howes31:22

        How, how does a woman learn how to develop that through self-talk and other strategies?

    18. SRSarah Jakes Roberts31:26

        You know, for me, my worth, like I said, is, started with me just trying on my faith.

    19. LHLewis Howes31:32

        Trying it on, yeah.

    20. SRSarah Jakes Roberts31:32

        Right? And so it became such an intimate conversation between me and God where this reflection of his ideas and his vision for my life became something that I began reaching for. I say that to say that I think that we have to believe in our worth.

    21. LHLewis Howes31:48

        How do we believe it if everything is telling us we're not worth anything?

    22. SRSarah Jakes Roberts31:52

        This is such... okay, so I-

    23. LHLewis Howes31:54

        How, how does someone... like, for 10 years, you didn't believe it.

    24. SRSarah Jakes Roberts31:56

        Yeah.

    25. LHLewis Howes31:57

        And most, for a long time in my li- life, I didn't believe it either, and I know a lot of people listening or watching are thinking like, "No, I'm not deserving of this. Why would I, why should I get this?" How do we learn to believe when all we've ever done is doubt?

    26. SRSarah Jakes Roberts32:10

        Maybe it's less about belief and more about acceptance.

    27. LHLewis Howes32:16

        Mm.

    28. SRSarah Jakes Roberts32:16

        M- you know, because I think at the end of the day, I had to surrender to the fact that whether I think I deserve it or not, it's in my life.

    29. LHLewis Howes32:24

        I'm here.

    30. SRSarah Jakes Roberts32:25

        It's h- it's here.
11. 34:55 – 44:01

    Relationships: choosing the right partner and non-negotiables for marriage

    1. LHLewis Howes34:55

       Yeah. You mentioned relationships. You've been married twice, is that right?

    2. SRSarah Jakes Roberts35:00

       Yeah, twice.

    3. LHLewis Howes35:01

       Twice.

    4. SRSarah Jakes Roberts35:01

       Mm-hmm.

    5. LHLewis Howes35:03

       What are three things that people should look for when knowing they've found the right partner for their, for their life? Maybe not the perfect person, but the right person, great fit.

    6. SRSarah Jakes Roberts35:13

       The-

    7. LHLewis Howes35:13

       Three things.

    8. SRSarah Jakes Roberts35:13

       Okay. This is on the spot, so I'm gonna take my time.

    9. LHLewis Howes35:16

       [laughs] It's okay.

    10. SRSarah Jakes Roberts35:16

        All right? First thing that you should look for is the best version of yourself.

    11. LHLewis Howes35:22

        In them, or you being the best version with them?

    12. SRSarah Jakes Roberts35:24

        You being the best version of yourself.

    13. LHLewis Howes35:26

        Mm-hmm.

    14. SRSarah Jakes Roberts35:27

        Um, you know, I don't wanna even talk about what the other person should possess until you understand the fullness of what you possess.

    15. LHLewis Howes35:36

        That's smart.

    16. SRSarah Jakes Roberts35:37

        You know? Because too much onus is on what a person is gonna bring into the room. What do you bring into the room? Who are you at your best?

    17. LHLewis Howes35:45

        Mm.

    18. SRSarah Jakes Roberts35:45

        Who are you at your worst?

    19. LHLewis Howes35:46

        Mm.

    20. SRSarah Jakes Roberts35:47

        How do you handle your finances? How do you handle your emotions? What does anger look like for you? Where's your childhood baggage? You know, how is that playing out in your adulthood? Who are you? My father said the most powerful thing to me, um, after I went through my divorce, and, uh, I wasn't even thinking about marrying again.

    21. LHLewis Howes36:06

        Mm-hmm.

    22. SRSarah Jakes Roberts36:07

        But he was saying in the context of marriage in general that when you're married, you're looking for the person who you want to be beside you when you put me in the ground.

    23. LHLewis Howes36:19

        Ooh, I just got the chills.

    24. SRSarah Jakes Roberts36:20

        It's because-

    25. LHLewis Howes36:22

        Wow

    26. SRSarah Jakes Roberts36:22

        ... in your most fragile moment- Who do you want beside you?

    27. LHLewis Howes36:28

        Hmm.

    28. SRSarah Jakes Roberts36:29

        When everything you've known is being pulled out from underneath you, who do you want beside you? So I think understanding who you are well enough to make that decision is the first thing.

    29. LHLewis Howes36:42

        Yeah, and if you can't imagine when you're gonna be buried, if that's the person you want next to you, then-

    30. SRSarah Jakes Roberts36:47

        Yeah
12. 44:01 – 53:16

    Fear, mastery, and redefining success as the process

    1. LHLewis Howes44:01

       And this book, what is... W- why do we need to break up with your fears, uh, and, [laughs] and revolutionize your life? Why did you feel like this is the message you needed to put out right now?

    2. SRSarah Jakes Roberts44:12

       Well, because to be in relationship with your fears mean that they're constantly speaking and dictating who you are and how you show up. So to break up with your fears means I'm in relationship with my fears. Like, we go together. Like, everywhere I go, they go. They determine where I can go and how I should move. And so breaking up-

    3. LHLewis Howes44:30

       Your fears are in control.

    4. SRSarah Jakes Roberts44:31

       For sure. Yeah.

    5. LHLewis Howes44:33

       They're manipulating you.

    6. SRSarah Jakes Roberts44:34

       Yes.

    7. LHLewis Howes44:34

       They're consuming you.

    8. SRSarah Jakes Roberts44:35

       Yes.

    9. LHLewis Howes44:35

       They're-

    10. SRSarah Jakes Roberts44:35

        I write in the book, and I don't remember the d- the exact quote, but it's like your fears pretend to keep you safe.

    11. LHLewis Howes44:41

        [laughs]

    12. SRSarah Jakes Roberts44:43

        [laughs] They do. They pretend.

    13. LHLewis Howes44:47

        They pretend.

    14. SRSarah Jakes Roberts44:47

        Yes.

    15. LHLewis Howes44:47

        But what are they really doing?

    16. SRSarah Jakes Roberts44:49

        Okay. So I, I'm gonna try. I'm probably gonna butcher it, but I did write it, I promise.

    17. LHLewis Howes44:53

        Yes.

    18. SRSarah Jakes Roberts44:53

        It's like your fears pretend to keep you safe, and your faith makes a demand on courage you aren't sure you possess.

    19. LHLewis Howes44:59

        Mm.

    20. SRSarah Jakes Roberts45:00

        And so we end up indecisive because those extremes-

    21. LHLewis Howes45:04

        Yes

    22. SRSarah Jakes Roberts45:05

        ... are so difficult. Um-

    23. LHLewis Howes45:06

        Procrastinating.

    24. SRSarah Jakes Roberts45:07

        Oh, yeah

    25. LHLewis Howes45:08

        ... self-analyzing, assessing-

    26. SRSarah Jakes Roberts45:09

        Yeah

    27. LHLewis Howes45:09

        ... what could go wrong, what about this, embarrassment, all these things, right?

    28. SRSarah Jakes Roberts45:13

        Absolutely.

    29. LHLewis Howes45:14

        When we are living in that space of fear of what could go wrong-

    30. SRSarah Jakes Roberts45:18

        Yeah
13. 53:16 – 1:02:30

    Time, trust, and the tour moment that healed an old wound

    1. SRSarah Jakes Roberts53:16

       And I feel like that level of respect in a relationship sounds basic and fundamental, and yet I'm not so sure that it exists in every relationship.

    2. LHLewis Howes53:24

       Right.

    3. SRSarah Jakes Roberts53:24

       Because so many people like roll their eyes when their spouse says something, or they're like, "Oh, here they go again." And I never feel like that with my husband.

    4. LHLewis Howes53:33

       You respect him.

    5. SRSarah Jakes Roberts53:34

       I respect him.

    6. LHLewis Howes53:35

       Yeah.

    7. SRSarah Jakes Roberts53:35

       Yeah. I-

    8. LHLewis Howes53:36

       Yeah, he, he, I'm assuming he respects you.

    9. SRSarah Jakes Roberts53:38

       Yeah, he does.

    10. LHLewis Howes53:38

        Yeah. [laughs]

    11. SRSarah Jakes Roberts53:38

        He does. He-

    12. LHLewis Howes53:39

        Okay. That's number one

    13. SRSarah Jakes Roberts53:40

        ... so yes, okay, so respect. Um, number two non-negotiable, we're first. In the sea-

    14. LHLewis Howes53:49

        Mm

    15. SRSarah Jakes Roberts53:49

        ... of all of the things we have going on, we are the nucleus of our world.

    16. LHLewis Howes53:55

        Yes.

    17. SRSarah Jakes Roberts53:56

        Which means if we're not good, we cannot expand beyond that. If that means we have to cancel meetings, my husband has put up a guest speaker on Sunday because we weren't flowing well.

    18. LHLewis Howes54:10

        Mm.

    19. SRSarah Jakes Roberts54:10

        Like we don't fake it and then come back and we'll figure it out. Like, if we need to go upstairs real quick to talk, like we don't allow our nucleus to be torn apart.

    20. LHLewis Howes54:20

        That's beautiful.

    21. SRSarah Jakes Roberts54:21

        That's, um... And especially as a blended family. You know, when we first started dating, like I let our kids go one day. I was like, "We need to let the kids date too so we can get to know one another." But even in a blended family, like, we recognize, like, our, our, our children are actively planning right now to leave us. [laughs]

    22. LHLewis Howes54:38

        [laughs] I was like, how do we get out?

    23. SRSarah Jakes Roberts54:40

        How do we get out of here? Like, "Oh, I'm gonna move to New York."

    24. LHLewis Howes54:43

        Oh, my.

    25. SRSarah Jakes Roberts54:43

        And my five-year-old's like, "One day, when I get my own job." I'm like, "Okay, so you're, you guys are leaving us."

    26. LHLewis Howes54:48

        Yeah.

    27. SRSarah Jakes Roberts54:48

        Okay. Which means that I ought to make sure this is tight, because I'm gonna be looking at him when you're gone, okay?

    28. LHLewis Howes54:53

        Right, right. [laughs]

    29. SRSarah Jakes Roberts54:53

        And I need [laughs] ... And I don't wanna have to start from scratch when you walk out of the door.

    30. LHLewis Howes54:58

        Yes, true.
14. 1:02:30 – 1:11:51

    Money, mission, and building sustainable streams—then pivoting in the pandemic

    1. LHLewis Howes1:02:30

       I wanna ask about money for a little bit.

    2. SRSarah Jakes Roberts1:02:32

       Okay.

    3. LHLewis Howes1:02:37

       How does someone... I love bringing on, uh, preachers-

    4. SRSarah Jakes Roberts1:02:42

       Yeah

    5. LHLewis Howes1:02:42

       ... people in the church, and talking about money because I'm always of the mindset that money should be of abundance to us if we wanna receive it.

    6. SRSarah Jakes Roberts1:02:49

       Mm.

    7. LHLewis Howes1:02:50

       But I know that there's been like a stigma around the church world for the... I don't know if it's still happening now or in the past-

    8. SRSarah Jakes Roberts1:02:56

       Yeah

    9. LHLewis Howes1:02:56

       ... around, like, having money, making money-

    10. SRSarah Jakes Roberts1:02:58

        Yeah

    11. LHLewis Howes1:02:59

        ... it should all be sacrificial type of energy. I'm not sure if that's still true or not. How do you approach the mindset around making money, and not feeling bad about making money, and, and multiplying money for yourself?

    12. SRSarah Jakes Roberts1:03:12

        So I don't... I mean, I think the stigma's still around, but like-

    13. LHLewis Howes1:03:15

        Yes

    14. SRSarah Jakes Roberts1:03:16

        ... I'm right in the thick of it.

    15. LHLewis Howes1:03:17

        Yeah.

    16. SRSarah Jakes Roberts1:03:17

        So you know, it could be my sensitivity towards it.

    17. LHLewis Howes1:03:20

        Mm.

    18. SRSarah Jakes Roberts1:03:21

        But I definitely think it's around, uh, still. I was really intentional when I first started my, you know, life in the movement of Woman Evolve to make sure that I had different streams of income.

    19. LHLewis Howes1:03:36

        Mm-hmm.

    20. SRSarah Jakes Roberts1:03:37

        Right? So we have a store that has a product connected to it, and so that is a stream for me. I podcast, and so we have advertise- So there are all of these different streams connected to it.

    21. LHLewis Howes1:03:47

        Yes.

    22. SRSarah Jakes Roberts1:03:47

        And I feel like part of the reason why I'm able to balance it is I want to make sure that the ministry part of what I get to do is as free and accessible as possible. Now, when we tour, we take 40 people on the road. We've got buses. I've got overhead.

    23. LHLewis Howes1:04:03

        They're expensive.

    24. SRSarah Jakes Roberts1:04:04

        [laughs] Yeah, I've got major expenses.

    25. LHLewis Howes1:04:06

        Oof.

    26. SRSarah Jakes Roberts1:04:06

        And still even with that, like we try to make it feasible enough that these people can be paid so that they can take care of their families, but then I'm not taxing the people who are connected.

    27. LHLewis Howes1:04:16

        Mm-hmm.

    28. SRSarah Jakes Roberts1:04:16

        So 19 to $25, $32 maybe, depending on the venue that we're in, something that is reasonable, you know? And then we try to make sure that we're also doing plenty of things for free.

    29. LHLewis Howes1:04:28

        Mm-hmm.

    30. SRSarah Jakes Roberts1:04:28

        So if you're never able to go on tour, like we need to have something monthly. And I've had to really... Because Woman Evolve is not a church. It's a movement that I kinda like I wanna have events, I wanna have conferences, and yet my husband-
15. 1:11:51 – 1:23:59

    Closing reflections: balancing roles, ‘three truths,’ and defining greatness

    1. LHLewis Howes1:11:51

       Yeah, yeah. What's the thing you're most proud of that most people don't know about you?

    2. SRSarah Jakes Roberts1:11:59

       Um, in another life, I was probably like a 1950s housewife. Like, I really, I'm really like someone who likes to create environment, and that shows up in my home. So like, [laughs] you know, if we have friend... Like, uh, during the pandemic, you know, we're at home more, and that's when you realize like, "Okay, we need a table here."

    3. LHLewis Howes1:12:22

       Mm.

    4. SRSarah Jakes Roberts1:12:22

       "Okay, this girl don't have a dresser. She needs a dress in her room."

    5. LHLewis Howes1:12:25

       [laughs]

    6. SRSarah Jakes Roberts1:12:25

       And things would come in. Not only did I order them, I would put them together.

    7. LHLewis Howes1:12:29

       Wow.

    8. SRSarah Jakes Roberts1:12:29

       Like, I will put them together. We will have dinner on the table. I make, like-

    9. LHLewis Howes1:12:33

       Wow.

    10. SRSarah Jakes Roberts1:12:33

        And this is not what I'm saying every woman should do, by no means am I saying this.

    11. LHLewis Howes1:12:38

        You enjoy it.

    12. SRSarah Jakes Roberts1:12:38

        I enjoy it. I make my husband breakfast. Like, okay-

    13. LHLewis Howes1:12:40

        Wow

    14. SRSarah Jakes Roberts1:12:40

        ... so I've been doing this tour, so I haven't made him breakfast this week, but every morning, I make my husband breakfast.

    15. LHLewis Howes1:12:46

        Dang.

    16. SRSarah Jakes Roberts1:12:47

        Like, every single morning.

    17. LHLewis Howes1:12:48

        I'm gonna come stay in the guest house.

    18. SRSarah Jakes Roberts1:12:50

        [laughs]

    19. LHLewis Howes1:12:50

        You know what I'm saying? Let me get some of that.

    20. SRSarah Jakes Roberts1:12:51

        I cook dinner like, four times a week I cook dinner for my family.

    21. LHLewis Howes1:12:54

        Wow.

    22. SRSarah Jakes Roberts1:12:54

        Like, we've been ordering in a lot this week 'cause the book launched, and my, I asked them last night like, "What do you guys wanna order?" And my daughter's like, "You're cooking. That's what we wanna order."

    23. LHLewis Howes1:13:02

        Wow.

    24. SRSarah Jakes Roberts1:13:02

        'Cause, I mean, that's, I, I love taking care of my family. All I w- Like, I really wanted to be a housewife. Like, I really wanted to just like create this environment for my family, and I get to do it now.

    25. LHLewis Howes1:13:14

        How do you balance it all, of building businesses, managing team, preaching and doing the ministry work, touring, wife, mom, cook, you know, HGTV personality?

    26. SRSarah Jakes Roberts1:13:27

        [laughs]

    27. LHLewis Howes1:13:27

        Like, how do you do all of it?

    28. SRSarah Jakes Roberts1:13:29

        I'm not all of those things at the same time, and I avoid instances that require me to be all of them at the same time. So like right now, I am only the author of Woman Evolve.

    29. LHLewis Howes1:13:40

        Mm-hmm. Mm.

    30. SRSarah Jakes Roberts1:13:40

        When we leave here, I am only gonna be their wife and mom.

Episode duration: 1:23:59