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"Love is Not Enough in Intimate Relationships!" You NEED These 3 Things As Well with Matthew Hussey

Today we’re back for ROUND 2 of all things relationships with none other than the insightful relationship coach, Matthew Hussey. Whether you’re healing a broken heart or exploring a new relationship, today’s episode is a must-listen.

Matthew HusseyguestLewis Howeshost

Apr 22, 20241h 20mWatch on YouTube

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CHAPTERS

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Chapter summaries

Why Breakups Hurt Even When the Person Was Wrong
Lewis Howes asks why breakups are painful even when we know the person wasn't right. Matthew Hussey explains the ego's story after being left, the chronic grief of clinging to the wrong person, and why leaving is like throwing a grenade into your own life.
- •When someone leaves us, the ego says we weren't good enough, which delays realizing they were wrong for us
- •Chronic grief comes from telling yourself a story that the right person is still out there
- •Leaving means lighting the fuse on your own identity, community, finances and sometimes children
- •Fear, grief and disappointment pile up, including worries about age, being alone and having children
- •Being left feels easier than being the one who has to throw the first punch
How Many Times Does Something Have to Fail?
The conversation turns to the quote about lighting the fuse and staying where you are. Hussey suggests asking how many times something has to fail before you decide it won't work, and Howes notes how people justify staying.
- •Staying in an abusive or narcissistic relationship where nothing changes means you'll never be at peace
- •Hussey proposes asking how many times something must fail before you decide it won't work
- •Howes says people justify staying by comparing their partner to worse ones
- •Your answer to that question dictates how much of your life you pour into a situation
How Hard Change Really Is
Hussey and Howes both believe people can change but discuss how hard it is. Using New Year's resolutions and therapy as examples, Hussey says change needs self-awareness and discipline and usually amounts to only 5 to 10%, so a partner may not change enough.
- •Wanting change is not enough; all the work comes afterward
- •Therapy brings awareness, then discipline to do the uncomfortable thing repeatedly
- •A 5 to 10% change can set a different trajectory but is not a personality transplant
- •A partner may just be annoyed that you're annoyed rather than truly wanting to change
- •Some partners would need a personality transplant for you to be happy
Is It Love to Change for Someone Else?
Howes shares a story of a woman regretting a nose job for a partner who left her, and asks whether changing for someone is love or a lack of self-love. Hussey says feedback can be an act of love, but the issue is how fundamental the requested change is, and he reframes the question around what kind of love you want to attract.
- •Howes asks if changing for a partner is real love or a lack of self-love
- •Hearing how your behavior affects others can be a loving wake-up call
- •Hussey says he once withheld honesty in relationships out of fear of seeming difficult
- •A narcissist could claim self-love as a reason not to change, but the partner need not stay
- •The better question may be what kind of love you want to attract and what you must model to receive it
Standards, Lists and Defining High Value for Yourself
Howes asks about standards and the lists women make of high-value qualities. Hussey says value is subjective and must come from what makes you happy, and he warns that many lists are about ego, citing the Up in the Air scene.
- •Howes asks for signs of a high-value person and what happens if someone feels out of their league
- •Hussey says high value is subjective, comparing it to defining a successful business
- •The world tells us what a high-value partner looks like, so we must reconnect with our own values
- •Lists are often ego-driven and read like a casting call
- •People describing an ex often talk about how impressive the person was, not how they treated them
Consistency, Chemistry and the Marathon vs. the Sprint
Hussey argues that a great date means nothing if it doesn't continue into a relationship. He uses a marathon-versus-sprint analogy and warns against comparing the chemistry of a safe relationship with the anxious spikes of an unsafe one.
- •A connection that doesn't continue is worthless if you want a relationship
- •Marathon and sprint are different races, as are healthy relationships and vacation romances
- •A relationship frozen at its peak is like an insect in amber
- •Don't comparison shop for chemistry
- •Anxious chasing can be mistaken for chemistry
Painful Conversations and Stating Intentions Early
Howes describes a friend whose painful state-of-the-union talk brought intimacy, and asks what hard questions to raise early. Hussey says to address alarm bells, shares his chapter on hard conversations, and uses Tanya's example of framing her wish for marriage and kids as her own excitement.
- •Don't skip moments where something feels misaligned; open a conversation about them
- •How someone responds to a hard conversation reveals whether the relationship can hold them
- •Hussey says life improves in proportion to the hard conversations you're willing to have
- •Tanya shared her goals as her own, then asked what the other person wanted
- •Treat wanting a family as a goal like starting a business, not as baggage
Lewis's Three Priorities Conversation with Martha
Howes tells how Martha asked about his priorities and he feared it would end things. He named health, purpose, and the relationship in that order, she accepted it, and the honest conversation became the start of their relationship.
- •Martha was curious and non-reactive when asking questions
- •Howes feared previous partners' negative reactions to his priorities
- •His priorities are health, purpose, then the intimate relationship
- •He says caring for the first two lets her feel like the number one priority
- •The challenging conversation is when the relationship started
Do Priorities Hold Over Time, and What Does Her Side Need?
Hussey asks whether Howes would still give the same answer now that he feels safe, and Howes says yes, explaining how the priorities hold and how Martha encourages him. Hussey adds that the other half is the partner's own hard conversation about needs, and that everyone must be honest with themselves about their core needs.
- •Hussey asks if Howes's answer was partly self-protection from past partners
- •Howes says his top priorities would stay the same years from now
- •He regularly asks Martha what she needs and how he can support her
- •Hussey says the hard conversation on her side is about her own needs being met
- •Everyone must identify the core needs required for their own happiness
Four Levels of Importance and Why Love Isn't Enough
Hussey outlines four levels in a relationship: admiration, mutual attraction, commitment and compatibility. He explains that love alone isn't enough in intimate relationships, since you can love someone and still be miserable if values or lifestyles clash.
- •Admiration is just thinking someone is great and matters little
- •Mutual attraction is the most dangerous phase, where people pine for years
- •Commitment means saying yes to each other, but is not enough alone
- •Compatibility means shared values, compatible visions and handling differences well
- •Love is not all you need; your peace and happiness must be taken as seriously as your love
Why Should You Love Yourself? The Broken Earn-It Model
Hussey says the self-love concept used to repel him as muddied and woo-woo. He explains that when audiences answer 'why love yourself' with qualities they deserve it for, it makes love conditional, and he compares that to the romantic model, which breeds contempt through familiarity.
- •Self-love advice often gets conflated with self-care and feels indulgent
- •Audiences justify self-love with qualities they don't always live up to
- •Conditional self-love is like loving yourself only on days you get an A
- •Hussey lived waking up in deficit, needing to earn love each day
- •Familiarity breeds contempt, so the romantic model fails for loving yourself
Taking Care of Your Human
Hussey offers the parent-child model: you were given one human to take care of, and loving yourself is an approach, not a feeling. He says this reframes staying with someone who treats you poorly as neglecting your responsibility to your human.
- •Parents love a child because the child is theirs, not for achievements
- •Your one job is to take care of the human you were given
- •Comparison makes no sense since you can't swap humans
- •Self-love is an approach, not a feeling, and you needn't like yourself first
- •Ask what decisions you'd make today to give your human the best life
The Book, Events and Closing
Howes promotes the book Love Life, and Hussey directs people to lovelifebook.com. He describes the three relationships the book covers and an event called Find Your Person, then begins a new topic on love bombing.
- •The book is at lovelifebook.com
- •It covers relationships with other people, yourself and life itself
- •Hussey says epiphanies are great but repetition makes the difference
- •Buyers get a ticket to the Find Your Person event on May 4th
- •Hussey begins describing a dark and a naive end of love bombing

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