"Love is Not Enough in Intimate Relationships!" You NEED These 3 Things As Well with Matthew Hussey

Matthew Hussey 0:00 Leaving is like throwing a grenade in your own life

Lewis Howes 0:04 Mm.

Matthew Hussey 0:04 And we may have had this fear gnawing away at us that someone was wrong a long time ago, but it's hard to be the one that lights the fuse that blows up your own life.

Lewis Howes 0:13 Ooh.

Matthew Hussey 0:16 Hello, everyone. This is Matthew Hussey from Love Life. International dating and confidence coach Matthew Hussey is here.

Lewis Howes 0:23 Hi, Matthew. [clapping] [cheering]

Matthew Hussey 0:26 On some level, it can feel like I'm having to blow up my own life for the hope of a better life, so it's terrifying because it's like jumping off a cliff without a parachute. I don't know if a better life is coming. I don't know if I'm gonna be alone forever and never find anyone again.

Lewis Howes 0:44 Is love enough?

Matthew Hussey 0:44 It's definitely not.

Lewis Howes 0:46 Wow.

Matthew Hussey 0:46 And I have something I wanna say on that as well, 'cause it's something very, very important that's in the book that will change the way people think about that love for yourself forever.

Lewis Howes 0:54 Go ahead and share now. Welcome back, everyone, to the School of Greatness. Very excited about our guest. It's my good friend, Matthew Hussey, who's in the house. Good to see you, brother.

Matthew Hussey 1:06 Good to see you.

Lewis Howes 1:07 Man, I'm excited about the book that you have coming out right now called Love Life: How to Raise Your Standards, Find Your Person and Live Happily No Matter What. And the thing I wanna ask you first is about breakups because I've been through a number of breakups in my life, and they're always painful, and they're painful even though I know the person wasn't the right person for me. And I feel like there's a lot of women who stay in relationships too long knowing, and you hear this all the time, "I was walking down the aisle knowing that this wasn't the right man for me," or, "On my honeymoon, I knew it was wrong," or a y- "When they asked me to marry him and I said yes, something was off inside of me, and I just knew it wasn't the right thing, but I went through with it anyways 'cause he was a good guy," or I liked his family or whatever it might be. And then they stay in a relationship too long and eventually get into a breakup for whatever reason, and the breakup is painful. Why is it painful when we go through a breakup even when we know the person wasn't the right person for us?

Matthew Hussey 2:14 Wow. Well, I think there's, in a sense, there's two types of breakups where someone is wrong for us. There's the kind where we don't know that they're wrong for us, and we've told ourselves they are the one.

Lewis Howes 2:25 Ooh.

Matthew Hussey 2:26 And then they break up with us 'cause normally if we haven't told ourselves someone is wrong, then we're just hanging on for dear life wanting to keep them. But if they break up with us, it's like, in a sense, there's an extra pain of we have to even get to the realization that they were wrong for us.

Lewis Howes 2:45 Mm.

Matthew Hussey 2:45 Which takes some time because when someone breaks up with us, our ego kicks in and tells us, "It's because you're not good enough. It's because you're not worthy. It's because... And if you were just more, if you just did better, if you just didn't make that mistake, if you just weren't so high maintenance in this way, you would've been able to hold onto this person."

Lewis Howes 3:03 Mm.

Matthew Hussey 3:03 "And because you're not sexy enough, cool enough, successful enough, interesting enough, whatever, we- thin enough, young enough, whatever, you couldn't hold onto this person." And it often takes us time to realize this wasn't the right person

Matthew Hussey 3:20 for me. Some people, by the way, who are watching this still haven't gotten it.

Lewis Howes 3:25 Mm.

Matthew Hussey 3:26 It was years since that person broke up with them, and they're still telling themselves a story that that person was the right person.

Lewis Howes 3:32 That's, that's agonizing.

Matthew Hussey 3:34 Yes, because it's... You don't, you don't get to ever kind of reach the other side of the grief when you tell yourself that. You, you're in chronic grief instead of the acute grief of breakup, grieving the end of the relationship, grieving the future you thought you'd have, feeling the disappointment of it all, and then moving on to create a new and better story. Instead, you're in the chronic grief of continuing to tell yourself a story that your right person is, is they, they're still out there, they just don't wanna be with you anymore.

Lewis Howes 4:09 Oh, man.

Matthew Hussey 4:09 Then there's what you're talking about-

Lewis Howes 4:11 And, and they might be with someone else

Matthew Hussey 4:12 ... and they're with someone else, and-

Lewis Howes 4:14 Ooh

Matthew Hussey 4:14 ... and so we, we experience that grief 1,000 times. You experience it the moment you realize they're with someone else. You experience it the moment they propose to that person.

Lewis Howes 4:23 Mm.

Matthew Hussey 4:23 You realize that the m- You experience it again the moment they have a child. You know, you're like, you're experiencing the grief over and over and over again. The, the kind you're talking about where you know while you're in it that it's the wrong relationship, I think the, the heartbreak there is the, the... So much of it relates to the fear and the disappointment of, "Oh my God, I'm, I'm back on my own again."

Lewis Howes 4:51 Yeah.

Matthew Hussey 4:52 And that fear of uprooting our life again, of changing our... Well, firstly, if someone has gone as far as marrying a person, or you've just been i- enmeshed with someone for many years, you don't even have to be married. You could, your lives could be so in- intertwined at this point that leaving is like throwing a grenade in your own life. You-

Lewis Howes 5:14 Yeah, friends, family, maybe you live together. Maybe there's, you know, all these other things that you've been-

Matthew Hussey 5:18 Yeah

Lewis Howes 5:18 ... intertwining.

Matthew Hussey 5:19 And, and the, and the identity.

Lewis Howes 5:21 Oh.

Matthew Hussey 5:21 You know? That was my identity.

Lewis Howes 5:23 Gosh, man.

Matthew Hussey 5:23 That relationship, that was my life. That was the, my life as I knew it. It was my life as my community. The people around me knew it. So I now have to sort of recreate my life and build from the ground up again it can feel like for so many people. Of course, it, you add marriage into it, and often there's financial implications, and there's, you know, sometimes there's children, and it, it, the, the com- there are so many layers of complication, and the, we may have deci- we may have had this fear gnawing away at us that someone was wrong a long time ago.

Lewis Howes 5:57 Mm.

Matthew Hussey 5:58 But it's hard to be the one that lights the fuse that blows up your own life.

Lewis Howes 6:01 Ooh.

Matthew Hussey 6:02 And, and- It's easier when someone breaks up with us in many ways because at least we feel like we're on the receiving end. I didn't have a choice. But when-

Lewis Howes 6:15 But

Matthew Hussey 6:15 ... you're having to-

Lewis Howes 6:16 But I'm not good enough if they broke up with me. Then something's wrong with me

Matthew Hussey 6:19 And then I have that to deal with, like I don't feel good enough, but at least, at least they pulled the trigger.

Lewis Howes 6:26 Yeah.

Matthew Hussey 6:26 But to be the one... Y- you know, [laughs] it's funny. In, in, in boxing a lot of the time, and you know this, when you spar with someone, once you get hit and you get hit hard, it's almost easier to then retaliate.

Lewis Howes 6:40 Mm.

Matthew Hussey 6:41 But it's hard to be the one to throw the first big punch.

Lewis Howes 6:44 Yeah.

Matthew Hussey 6:44 It's like, uh, y- you know, and then, when you're the one breaking up with someone 'cause you know they're wrong, it's

Matthew Hussey 6:51 hard to be like, "If I just kept going with this, it would just continue for another five years, and my life-"

Lewis Howes 6:56 'Cause they're not gonna break up with me

Matthew Hussey 6:57 ... they're not gonna break up with me.

Lewis Howes 6:58 Yeah, yeah.

Matthew Hussey 6:58 So it would stay comfortable, or it would stay... But if I'm breaking up with them, I'm the one who has to detonate. I'm the one who has to throw the punch, and that's the, that's the hard part, is we have to... On some level it can feel like I'm having to blow up my own life for the hope of a better life-

Lewis Howes 7:18 Wow

Matthew Hussey 7:18 ... which hasn't materialized yet. So it's terrifying because it's like jumping off a cliff without a parachute. I don't know if a better life is coming. I don't know if I'm gonna be alone forever and never find anyone again. Is life gonna punish me for letting go of this in the form of never serving me up another great relationship or another relationship, period? You know, uh, am I... Some people is, "Am I too old now to find another person? Am I gonna go out there and find that I'm invisible? Has my window passed?" Then you throw into it biology. Uh, you know, am I gonna meet someone in time to have children, because I know I really wanna have children, and i- is that gonna... Am I, am I taking that possibility off the table for me by leaving this relationship? There's so many layers of complication that the heartbreak is, is so complex. It's, it's fear, it's grief, it's disappointment. It's the anxiety of your dreams never coming true now as a result of leaving this relationship. It's all really, really hard.

Lewis Howes 8:18 [laughs] Oh, man. Y- the quote in your book that you mentioned, "You have to be willing to light the fuse that blows up your own life."

Matthew Hussey 8:25 Oh.

Lewis Howes 8:26 [laughs] And you say, "If you stay where you are, you'll never be happy, and you will never be at peace."

Matthew Hussey 8:32 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 8:33 And I, and I'm assuming you're speaking around if you're staying in a relationship that is not working or that's not the right fit for you. If you stay where you are, you'll never be happy, and you'll never be at peace.

Matthew Hussey 8:41 And certainly one that's, you know, that's abusive or one-

Lewis Howes 8:45 Uh-huh

Matthew Hussey 8:45 ... that's narcissistic, one where the, you, you have believed it's gonna change for so long, uh, and there's been no evidence for the fact that the relationship is going to change or-

Lewis Howes 8:56 Yes

Matthew Hussey 8:57 ... you've tried everything. You've, you've brought, you know, vulnerability to it. You've brought standards to it. You've, you know, changed what you give that person. You've done so much to try to make this relationship-

Lewis Howes 9:13 Mm-hmm

Matthew Hussey 9:13 ... into a great one, or a peaceful one, or just one that doesn't harm you.

Lewis Howes 9:19 [laughs] Right.

Matthew Hussey 9:20 And it never works, and there's never change. There is a certain point where you have to say to yourself, how many ti- I think it's a question that's worth us all asking in life, is how many times does something not have to work for me to decide it's not going to work?

Lewis Howes 9:36 Mm-hmm.

Matthew Hussey 9:37 And your answer to that question will dictate how much of your life you will, you know, throw into-

Lewis Howes 9:43 Yeah

Matthew Hussey 9:44 ... a situation.

Lewis Howes 9:44 Oh, man. Yeah, 'cause you can justify, well, it wasn't that bad, or my, you know, friend's partner is worse than my partner. You compare yourself to other relationships, right? You'll do these things to justify, and you're like, "Well, I don't wanna be so strict where they have to be perfect 'cause I'm not perfect, but I don't wanna be too flexible that I get walked on all the time." So it's like a dance of, of figuring out... And it's almost like if you have to say, how many more times am I gonna put up with this until I get out, it's almost like when you say that, that's

Lewis Howes 10:14 the time to get out. Because you're not gonna change the person in front of you. They're not gonna change overnight, unless they choose to change, from my understanding. You can't force them to change.

Matthew Hussey 10:24 Well, someone has to be... A lot [laughs] for change to happen, a lot has to happen.

Lewis Howes 10:28 Mm-hmm.

Matthew Hussey 10:29 You know? Like change is very, very hard. We both operate in a space that's predicated-

Lewis Howes 10:35 Yes

Matthew Hussey 10:35 ... on the idea that people can change, right?

Lewis Howes 10:38 Mm-hmm.

Matthew Hussey 10:38 So if we didn't start by believing that, we're in trouble. You and I shouldn't-

Lewis Howes 10:42 Yes

Matthew Hussey 10:42 ... have a job.

Lewis Howes 10:43 Yes.

Matthew Hussey 10:43 So l- we start from that foundation, that you and I must both believe that people can change, otherwise why make a podcast?

Lewis Howes 10:51 Right.

Matthew Hussey 10:53 But we also then have to get very sober about how hard change is.

Lewis Howes 10:59 Mm-hmm. And what needs to happen in order for someone to want to change.

Matthew Hussey 11:03 Well, look at what has to happen for us to change-

Lewis Howes 11:05 Yeah

Matthew Hussey 11:06 ... even when we want to.

Lewis Howes 11:07 Yeah.

Matthew Hussey 11:07 Every year on January 1st [laughs] most of the world, ins- whether they articulate it or not, makes some kind of promise to themselves about something they wanna do differently. You know, we call it a resolution, or I'm gonna ingrain this new habit, or I'm gonna make a change this year, or someone, whether spelling it out or just on some level feels this, "I wanna do something different." And, and if only the wanting it to be different made it different. It doesn't.

Lewis Howes 11:35 Mm-hmm.

Matthew Hussey 11:35 It's, there's still so much... All our work is ahead of us after that.

Lewis Howes 11:40 Mm-hmm.

Matthew Hussey 11:40 And anyone who's ever been to therapy knows that you, you, you set foot in the door because you want something to change, right? You show up because you want something to be different, and then you get there and you realize there's an awful lot of self-awareness around what needs to change for it to be different that you need to gain. And then past that you need the- The discipline to go out there and actually do the uncomfortable thing over and over and over again until it starts to become something that-

Lewis Howes 12:16 Mm-hmm

Matthew Hussey 12:17 ... you, starts to become more natural to you or at the very least just something that's you're a little bit less uncomfortable with. That's like that's how hard it is. If I, if I've got a habit or something that's hurting me or my life, I might be aware of it, but now I have to actually do the uncomfortable thing and do something different to what I normally do, and that takes time and effort and energy, and, and even then I might only change it by 5 or 10%. But that 5 or 10% luckily is often enough to set us on a, a different enough trajectory in our life that we can get new results.

Lewis Howes 12:53 Absolutely.

Matthew Hussey 12:54 And that's a wonderful thing. We don't go to therapy and get a personality transplant.

Lewis Howes 12:58 Right. [laughs]

Matthew Hussey 12:59 We might get put on a 5%, 10% different trajectory, and over time that creates a very different life.

Lewis Howes 13:05 Absolutely.

Matthew Hussey 13:07 So let's look at that in the context of a relationship with someone who's behaving in a way you're not happy with. Even if they want to change, which is a big leap in the first place, do they want to change, or are they just annoyed that you're annoyed?

Lewis Howes 13:25 Mm.

Matthew Hussey 13:26 Are they just frustrated that y- you're frustrated? 'Cause that's not the same as them wanting to change. That's just them wanting you to stop being so frustrated or on their case all the time.

Lewis Howes 13:37 Mm-hmm.

Matthew Hussey 13:37 Right? So that's not them wanting to change. Them wanting to change is them recognizing that there's something about this in themselves that they don't like, that they wanna address, or that they care about you so much that

Matthew Hussey 13:51 they don't... They wanna bring you something different, and that's motivation enough-

Lewis Howes 13:54 Mm

Matthew Hussey 13:54 ... for them to make a change. A big leap. Then after that, they've gotta learn how to change, a- and then they've gotta have the discipline to go forward and make those changes. And even if they did all of that, which if someone's having this conversation with me, if someone's having this conversation with me, it normally means that that person's not doing any of those things.

Lewis Howes 14:16 Mm-hmm.

Matthew Hussey 14:17 Right? 'Cause we're still... Why... We're, we're still struggling so much 'cause our partner isn't saying any of those things.

Lewis Howes 14:22 Yes.

Matthew Hussey 14:22 But even if they were, the changes might be 5 to 10%, they're un- they're not gonna be a personality transplant. And a lot of people who come to me in really unhappy or very toxic, painful, abusive, or narcissistic relationships are in a place where their partner would need a personality transplant for them to be happy.

Lewis Howes 14:47 Happy, and then they still may not be happy. This... I saw this video last week. I can't remember the exact name of this Instagram account. I think it's called Stories From Strangers. And, um, this guy made a video where he had people write in stories about their life, uh, regrets. And he read an anonymous note from like this little bowl, and the, the note said, "I regret getting a nose job for my husband or partner who kept telling me he wanted me to change my nose."

Matthew Hussey 15:22 Wow.

Lewis Howes 15:22 "Getting a nose job, and then two weeks later him breaking up with me."

Matthew Hussey 15:26 Oh, my God.

Lewis Howes 15:27 "And regretting changing myself to try to make someone else happy who was never gonna be happy with me no matter what changes I made."

Matthew Hussey 15:33 [exhales]

Lewis Howes 15:34 And I thought to myself, that is... "And now having to look myself in the mirror and be un- happy with who the person I am for those changes." So my question for you is [lips smack] if someone is asking you to change in a relationship, in a committed relationship, and you change for them, is that real love?

Matthew Hussey 15:56 Hmm.

Lewis Howes 15:58 Doing it for someone else so that they can be happy? Or is it a lack of self-love and saying, "Actually, that's not something I wanna do right now, and I wanna accept who I am in this moment, my personality or m- my habits or my mannerisms," or whatever it is that they want to change, "and I'm willing to walk away if that doesn't work for you."

Matthew Hussey 16:22 That's a really difficult question.

Lewis Howes 16:23 Mm-hmm. And I get context and what it is and what the requests are. I get it.

Matthew Hussey 16:28 I suppose for a question-

Lewis Howes 16:28 But if someone's never happy with you and they want you to change something about you-

Matthew Hussey 16:34 Mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 16:34 ... I mean, maybe it's for the good. Like, maybe you're overweight a lot, and you getting in shape would actually be healthier and would make things better and you'd have more energy or whatever it might be. I get it, but it should be your partner wanting you to make the change, or should the person be saying, "You know what? I wanna keep evolving and growing as a part of my value system in life and in our relationship, and that's why I'm gonna keep growing."

Matthew Hussey 16:58 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 16:58 You know? Is it love if s- if you change for someone else?

Matthew Hussey 17:03 It's a big question.

Lewis Howes 17:03 [laughs]

Matthew Hussey 17:06 Look, I think firstly people alert us to things that we, mm, want, we, that we discover we want to change about ourselves all the time,

Matthew Hussey 17:23 right?

Lewis Howes 17:23 Mm-hmm.

Matthew Hussey 17:24 Uh, how many of the things that we realize about ourself w- we realize because of how that habit, that behavior, uh, is experienced in relation to other people. So enough people in your family tell you that there's something, a way that you are that is affecting them, and that mirror, it, it, you know, assuming they come to you in healthy ways or that they point things out in a loving or compassionate way, but that mirror is a wake-up call for you about a way that you are affecting people, how your behavior is hurting people.

Lewis Howes 18:06 Mm-hmm.

Matthew Hussey 18:06 That, you know, we come, we, we learn about ourselves in those ways all the time in life, so- To that extent, it's a... In some ways, it's a loving thing for someone around you-

Lewis Howes 18:22 Mm

Matthew Hussey 18:23 ... to trust you enough or to trust the relationship enough to feel like they can be honest with you.

Lewis Howes 18:31 Give you some feedback or...

Matthew Hussey 18:32 Yeah, because I th- when I think of the most brittle relationships or what defines a brittle relationship or one where there is... They, they doesn't have that foundation of safety and trust and love, I think of a relationship where people aren't honest with each other about the things they're unhappy about because they're too afraid that the relationship can't sustain it. I've been in relationships where I was, I was so busy trying to hold onto someone and worried that I wasn't gonna be able to hold onto them-

Lewis Howes 18:58 Really?

Matthew Hussey 18:59 ... that I wasn't honest about what I was unhappy with about that person.

Lewis Howes 19:02 'Cause you didn't wanna rock the boat or make them upset.

Matthew Hussey 19:04 Yeah, I was afraid that I was gonna be seen as difficult or high maintenance, or that it, you know, it was, it was gonna be one too many things for me to ask that person. And, you know, I didn't value myself enough in the relationship to be honest with someone about how something was affecting me. And, and so I think that it's a, it's an act of love for someone to even feel safe enough in a relationship to be able to tell us something like that, that, that they may wish to be different or that may is, maybe is hurting them. I think that how we receive that and what we do about that is also-

Lewis Howes 19:44 Mm-hmm

Matthew Hussey 19:45 ... an act of love. Now, the question is, i- i- how fundamental is the thing they're asking us to-

Lewis Howes 19:52 Right

Matthew Hussey 19:52 ... change, and is it possible for us to change it? Does it, d- you know, does it force us to just shift away from who we actually are? And that gets into all sorts of interesting territory, right? Because if... Let's say you're a narcissist. [laughs]

Lewis Howes 20:09 Mm-hmm.

Matthew Hussey 20:09 And someone comes to you-

Lewis Howes 20:10 You're not gonna change constantly

Matthew Hussey 20:10 ... and someone comes to you and says like, "H- this pathological lying that you're doing is really affecting me." [laughs]

Lewis Howes 20:17 Yeah.

Matthew Hussey 20:17 Or, "The fact that you never-"

Lewis Howes 20:19 The gaslighting, the-

Matthew Hussey 20:20 "... you gaslight me, or the fact that you never involve me in any major decisions and that you make every decision unilaterally for our lives," or, you know, uh, uh, "The fact that you never consider me," or, "I'm really... These things need to change." You know, could that person argue, "I wouldn't be loving myself if I made all these changes?"

Lewis Howes 20:41 Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly.

Matthew Hussey 20:42 You know, you could take it to that extreme and you'd say, well, that's a fine argument for the narcissist to make, is that, it, that you are not accepting me for me. This is who I am. I'm, I wouldn't be loving myself if I change these things for you. That's fine, but then you don't, you no longer deserve this person's company.

Lewis Howes 21:01 Mm-hmm.

Matthew Hussey 21:02 You know, this person's not... Th- this... You're not entitled to this person, uh, constantly being abused by you or constantly accepting that their reality is distorted by being with you.

Lewis Howes 21:17 Mm-hmm.

Matthew Hussey 21:17 Or, you know, i- it's not this... They don't have to put up with it, them loving them- You... If your definition of loving yourself is that you get to stay all of these abusive ways, well, their definition of loving themselves might be to get out of the way of you.

Lewis Howes 21:31 Mm.

Matthew Hussey 21:32 So, you know, I do think that we have to... partly we have to say, what kind of person do I need to be in order to attract the kind of person I want to be with? If I wanna be with a very kind and generous person, well, what's the level of kindness or generosity on my part that is necessary for me to be able to keep that company?

Lewis Howes 21:56 Mm.

Matthew Hussey 21:56 And i- and in some ways, i- it could be... I'm, I'm only thinking about this in real time, but it could be the wrong question to say, "Is it m- loving myself to be this for somebody else?" It, it might be that I have to go, "What kind of l- love do I want to attract in my life?"

Lewis Howes 22:17 Mm.

Matthew Hussey 22:18 Because w- w- me loving myself is me giving myself the gift of that kind of love.

Lewis Howes 22:24 Right.

Matthew Hussey 22:25 But what do I need to be or represent, what behavior do I need to, to model in order to attract that kind of love-

Lewis Howes 22:33 Yes

Matthew Hussey 22:34 ... that is the kind of love that if I received it, would be an act of love for me to receive?

Lewis Howes 22:38 Mm.

Matthew Hussey 22:38 Do you know what I mean? [laughs]

Lewis Howes 22:39 Yes.

Matthew Hussey 22:39 I hope I'm not getting too abstract with that, but it's like-

Lewis Howes 22:41 No, it makes sense. Yeah, and I guess it transitions into another thing that we're talking about right now, which is kind of setting a standard for what you want in a relationship, and you becoming that standard as well. And you hear a lot of women talk about, you know, they've got a list of all the qualities they want in a potential partner, right? If they're a single woman. "I've got this list and I know exactly what I want, and I want..." Which essentially sounds like a high-value man. They've gotta be funny, they've gotta be kind, they've gotta have money, they've gotta be healthy, all these different things. And you s- And I, I hear this a lot from women creating a list and wanting high-value men. He can provide, and he's generous, and he's kind, and he loves dogs, or whatever it is. It's like this, this standard of a type of a relationship they want from a man. My question for you around this set of standards and high value in a relationship, this is a two-part question. What would you say are three positive signs that you're on a date with a potential high-value person? And part two of this, if you feel like they are out of your league or they are more high value than you, what happens if you get in a relationship with someone that you feel like is out of your league?

Matthew Hussey 24:00 [laughs] Let me start with the first part. [laughs]

Lewis Howes 24:07 [laughs] Making it easy for you. Just throwing layups.

Matthew Hussey 24:10 I love doing interviews with you, man.

Lewis Howes 24:12 [laughs]

Matthew Hussey 24:13 You always have th- these really interesting, like- [laughs] Questions

Lewis Howes 24:19 I feel like this is what women specifically need to hear right now, is what you're gonna say, so no pressure. But-

Matthew Hussey 24:27 Why is that? I'm just curious

Lewis Howes 24:28 'Cause I feel like what I hear a lot of women who are single have this standard.

Lewis Howes 24:36 They have a list. They have... In their mentally or they have written down in their journal or their diary or whatever it is, they have a list, and they share it with girlfriends, right? I've seen these lists. They've either told me or whatever it might be. And I'm like, "Well, you're not 100% of all these things yet. Maybe you can be. Maybe you're developing into that. Great. But I see you have a standard of what you want. Awesome." And I've heard you talk about this before, like make a list of everything you want, then become that list, and you'll be able to be a mirror of that standard in a relationship and working on each other, with each other as you grow in the relationship. No one's gonna be perfect, but you're gonna be developing yourselves over time as part of your standards. So what is, what are three positive signs that you are sitting in front of a high-value person? And if you are not ready for that person, and you don't feel like you're qualified, or you don't have the same level of values that they do, what will happen if you get into a relation together and you're not ready for it?

Matthew Hussey 25:42 So I, I would say it's not for me to decide for anyone else what is their version of a, let's say a high-value person. I think what everyone has to do is f- is get really in touch with what is actually going to make them happy.

Lewis Howes 26:08 Mm-hmm.

Matthew Hussey 26:09 In the same way that we live, you know, in a very memetic world career-wise, where Instagram will serve you up all this imagery, all these ideas around what a successful person is. And if you're someone building a business, you have to be really clear with yourself on what a successful business is to you because it, there's gonna be someone who's, you know, who you follow who's trying to build an empire.

Lewis Howes 26:44 Mm.

Matthew Hussey 26:44 And everything they do is about empire-building. But, but maybe that's wrong for you. Like, maybe what you want is enough to live the kinda life that you wanna live, to be able to do work that you really enjoy-

Lewis Howes 26:59 Mm-hmm

Matthew Hussey 26:59 ... and then to maintain that. And that for you, knowing when to stop is gonna be crucial to your happiness. Whereas for this person, they're on a whole other mission with what they're doing and the scale they're trying to build. Y- you could say, who's to say the high-value business is the one that's building the empire versus the one that's figured out a really great life for this-

Lewis Howes 27:27 Yeah

Matthew Hussey 27:28 ... couple over here or this person and their family? I think th- the value part is-

Lewis Howes 27:34 Mm. Mm-hmm

Matthew Hussey 27:34 ... completely and utterly subjective. How many people do you and I know who have giant businesses and miserable, and they're, you know... Uh, like, I'm in a stage right now where, not to say we have a giant business, but where we're at, it's like, oh, there's, there's something I need to figure out here because-

Lewis Howes 27:51 Complexities. Yeah, yeah

Matthew Hussey 27:52 ... there's too much complexity, and I, I feel there's a, you know, we're on the wrong side of the, the burnout balance equation, and I need to figure that out. So, like, right now I might, someone might be looking at me going, "That's a really high-value operation," but I'm looking at it going, "Mm, this is something off here in terms of what I define as value-

Lewis Howes 28:12 Mm

Matthew Hussey 28:12 ... in this point in my life," which is peace, sustainability, the ability to keep doing it for a long time.

Lewis Howes 28:19 Right.

Matthew Hussey 28:19 The ability to do

Matthew Hussey 28:20 it enjoyably every day. I don't wanna be as big as possible. I, I wanna, I wanna do it in a way that I really enjoy.

Lewis Howes 28:26 Yes.

Matthew Hussey 28:27 Um, and so dating and finding love is the same.

Lewis Howes 28:32 Yeah.

Matthew Hussey 28:32 It's we have a world that is telling us what to value and what a high-value man or a high-value woman looks like, and we need to get back in touch with what high value is to us. What's, what's the kind of love that is in line with my, what I value?

Lewis Howes 28:49 Yeah.

Matthew Hussey 28:49 With what I care about. Because so many people, though the lists that people do have, whether they're literal lists or they're just in their mind, is that so much of what's on that list is about ego. It's not about what makes us happy. You know, ego is, "Does this person fit the bill for what I'm looking for?"

Lewis Howes 29:10 Are they gonna make me look good with my friends or family or...

Matthew Hussey 29:13 Yeah. There's a great... I wanna, I wanna read this because there's a great, there's a great moment in the book about this that is really, really powerful in terms of the ways that people, I think, get the lists wrong in life. Um, yeah, so have you ever seen the movie Up in the Air? Like George Clooney, uh, um-

Lewis Howes 29:34 Yes. Yeah. The flying one. The flying one, where he's constantly flying.

Matthew Hussey 29:37 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Lewis Howes 29:37 Yeah, yeah

Matthew Hussey 29:37 Exactly. Um-

Lewis Howes 29:39 He's on a plane like every day

Matthew Hussey 29:39 ... Anna Kendrick. I think it's Anna Kendrick.

Lewis Howes 29:41 Uh-huh.

Matthew Hussey 29:41 Um, but there's a conversation between Anna Kendrick and, uh, and a woman who's, I don't know, 10, 15 years older than her, m- maybe even a bit more, where she's, Anna Kendrick is dis- is basically giving off her list of what she wants. And-

Lewis Howes 30:02 In a, in a man

Matthew Hussey 30:03 ... in a man, yeah. And she's heartbroken at the time that she says this, like truly heartbroken because this guy has broken up with her, and he was everything that she wanted. And she says he really fit the bill, you know. White collar, 6'1", college grad, loves dogs, likes funny movies, brown hair, kind eyes, works in finance but is outdoorsy. I always imagined he'd have a single syllable name like Matt or John or Dave. In a perfect world, he drives a 4Runner, and the only thing he loves more than me is his golden lab and a nice smile." It... There's nothing, there's nothing in that description about how this person makes her feel.

Lewis Howes 30:48 Mm.

Matthew Hussey 30:49 About actual, like, great values that this person has. It's a, it's like a casting call-

Lewis Howes 30:58 Right

Matthew Hussey 30:59 ... list. And it's extraordinary to me how many times people, when they're describing, when someone says to me, "I'm really struggling to get over this person," I say, "Well, what was it about them?" You would be shocked when people say what it was, how little it often has to do with how this person treated them.

Lewis Howes 31:20 Really?

Matthew Hussey 31:21 How... No.

Lewis Howes 31:22 What do they, what do they say usually? Is it about more like-

Matthew Hussey 31:24 He... Oh, it was, it's just-

Lewis Howes 31:25 ... how they showed up on paper?

Matthew Hussey 31:26 How they sh- yeah, like, they were this, they were, like... Basically they describe their eligibility and their s- and also it's like-

Lewis Howes 31:32 They had a good job. Yeah

Matthew Hussey 31:33 ... but it could also be they're funny, and they're just so, like, you know, I don't know. I just, you know, they could say, "We had such a great time together when we were together," or, "We had this amazing connection," or... But they'll often describe how impressive the person is. And what they don't say is, "They were so good to me."

Lewis Howes 31:53 Mm.

Matthew Hussey 31:54 Or, "They showed up so consistently in my life," or, "They really saw me," or, "I really felt like I could be everything, like I could be exactly

Matthew Hussey 32:07 myself with this person."

Lewis Howes 32:08 Right. That's big.

Matthew Hussey 32:09 You know? It, it's so rarely those things that get described.

Lewis Howes 32:14 About missing someone.

Matthew Hussey 32:16 It's about-

Lewis Howes 32:16 About the pain of-

Matthew Hussey 32:16 Yeah, it's more about idolizing that person, or it's about-

Lewis Howes 32:19 Mm

Matthew Hussey 32:19 ... like worshiping how great that person was, but it's not about how great that person was for them.

Lewis Howes 32:26 How they made them feel.

Matthew Hussey 32:28 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 32:28 And what I heard you say was consistently, because some people might say, "Well, we had an amazing time," and, "They made me feel so good," but was it consistent? Maybe it was good every other week.

Matthew Hussey 32:37 I had someone s- ask me recently, I had, "Matt, what do you do when you have an epic connection with someone on a date and then they ghost you afterwards?" And I'm like, "What do you mean an ep-" Like, uh, you know, I get it. We can go on a date and have this incredible moment with someone. We can have an incredible time with someone, but what does that... What value is that if it doesn't continue?

Lewis Howes 33:02 Right.

Matthew Hussey 33:02 It's literally worthless if it doesn't continue. If what you want is a relationship, and it, a connection doesn't turn into a relationship, then by your standards of what you value, which is a relationship, it's worthless.

Lewis Howes 33:17 Mm-hmm.

Matthew Hussey 33:17 It means nothing. It, it doesn't... A relationship, by definition, continues.

Lewis Howes 33:24 What if someone listening or watching is saying, "Well, that, that sounds great, but I don't wanna... That was an amazing day or weekend that I had with this person, and I don't wanna go to some boring relationship where we don't have this connection."

Matthew Hussey 33:36 Yeah, we-

Lewis Howes 33:37 So I don't wanna lose that opportunity of, like, finding someone who can recreate that feeling for me consistently. Is that even a vision we should be thinking about?

Matthew Hussey 33:46 Well, I-

Lewis Howes 33:47 These, like, explosive weekends or one night that was, like, magical moments. Is that real life consistently?

Matthew Hussey 33:53 Well, I think w- you can't... Firstly, you can't... You've run a marathon. I haven't. [laughs]

Lewis Howes 34:01 [laughs] It's hard, man. It is hard.

Matthew Hussey 34:04 But-

Lewis Howes 34:04 Almost broke me

Matthew Hussey 34:05 ... when you run a marathon, did you get upset about your pace compared to when you've run 100 meter sprint?

Lewis Howes 34:13 No.

Matthew Hussey 34:13 No, because they're different races.

Lewis Howes 34:15 Yes.

Matthew Hussey 34:16 Like, they're completely different things.

Lewis Howes 34:17 Uh-huh.

Matthew Hussey 34:18 You can't compare the endurance energy th- and the muscles that are necessary to run... How m- how many miles is a marathon? 20-

Lewis Howes 34:27 26.2.

Matthew Hussey 34:28 26.2. To run 26.2 miles compared to the fast twitch muscle required to run 100 meter sprint.

Lewis Howes 34:36 That's true.

Matthew Hussey 34:36 They're very different things. And a lot of the time we compare someone that we have a healthy situation with to the peak of what so you might have felt on what is the equivalent of a vacation romance.

Lewis Howes 34:52 Right.

Matthew Hussey 34:53 Where y- you, the most exciting thing, the, the excitement was in part generated by the fact that you were leaving.

Lewis Howes 35:00 Mm-hmm.

Matthew Hussey 35:01 So how does someone replicate that situation? It's the same way when someone's awesome for three months, and then they disappear and, and it, the c- the, the rela- the idea of the relationship is like this insect frozen in, in amber-

Lewis Howes 35:20 Mm-hmm

Matthew Hussey 35:20 ... that doesn't... It always is frozen in time as the peak of that experience-

Lewis Howes 35:27 Yes

Matthew Hussey 35:28 ... instead of what it might have been in year three or year 30, which would have been a very different thing. So we have to be very careful about how we... I always say don't comparison shop for chemistry.

Lewis Howes 35:41 Mm.

Matthew Hussey 35:41 Like, you can't, you can't draw these unfair comparisons. Even, like, there are relationships people, where people say to me, "I just want the kind of chemistry I had in my last relationship." And then when they

Matthew Hussey 35:53 talk about their last relationship, what's very evident is that they never really feel like they had the person, so they're always, like, even-

Lewis Howes 36:00 Anxious

Matthew Hussey 36:00 ... even in the relationship, they're always, like, almost, like, chasing.

Lewis Howes 36:04 Mm.

Matthew Hussey 36:05 Always feeling like, "I'm just trying to secure the person." They're technically, they're with them, but they're always feeling like they haven't quite made the sale.

Lewis Howes 36:12 [laughs]

Matthew Hussey 36:12 And if you feel like that, then in a way the y- the chemistry of early dating never dies because it's more anxious energy than it is chemistry.

Lewis Howes 36:20 It's unknown.

Matthew Hussey 36:21 Yes, the unknown is that, yes-

Lewis Howes 36:22 Are they gonna be here? What's... Do they like me? Do they not like me?

Matthew Hussey 36:24 Your s- your brain is being hijacked By this chase all the time

Lewis Howes 36:29 Uh-huh

Matthew Hussey 36:29 And any time you have sex with them, of course it feels amazing 'cause you're like, [sighs] just a feeling of I have them for, for a moment, and they're mine, and they're... You know, I feel good right now. But then you feel anxious again 'cause the next day they don't call you all day, or they don't call you for three days, or whatever. It's like you're constantly in that tension. So try- when someone comes along and they're loving you in a healthy way, and they make you feel accepted and at home for who you are, and you can be vulnerable, and they're still there the next day, and they are very clear that they-

Lewis Howes 37:00 Yes

Matthew Hussey 37:00 ... would like to see you this weekend. [laughs] And when you experience that, and you go, "Oh, I just... How do I experience the chemistry that I had with that really unsafe person-

Lewis Howes 37:11 [laughs]

Matthew Hussey 37:13 ... with a safe person?" Like, it doesn't... You're asking for two, for a feeling to be reproduced-

Lewis Howes 37:18 Yes

Matthew Hussey 37:19 ... in this situation where it doesn't get reproduced in that way. So this is what I mean by us... I'm not saying you can't have chemistry in, in a long-term healthy relationship.

Lewis Howes 37:29 Mm-hmm.

Matthew Hussey 37:29 You could have amazing chemistry. You could have amazing attraction. I don't think people should sacrifice that. But what we call chemistry we have to be really careful of.

Lewis Howes 37:37 Yes.

Matthew Hussey 37:37 Measuring the chemistry of something that is more peaceful against something that was all about the spikes is a very dangerous thing to do.

Lewis Howes 37:48 Mm-hmm.

Matthew Hussey 37:48 Um-

Lewis Howes 37:49 I agree with that.

Matthew Hussey 37:49 And it's-

Lewis Howes 37:50 This-

Matthew Hussey 37:51 Yeah

Lewis Howes 37:51 ... to add into that, and I think this is an interesting one. I was just having a conversation with a friend of mine a couple of days ago who was talking about how he, [lips smack] he struggled in relationships in the past, and he, he was talking about he's trying to do things differently this time in the relationship he's in. And he said he had a state of the union conversation night with his, with his partner, and he was like, "I started asking all these painful questions that were very scary for me to ask because we just moved in together. It's been over a year, a year and a half now, and trying to get clear on where we're going in the future, and values, and vision, and, you know, all these different things." And he goes, "It was really painful, but it brought us closer together, and it created more intimacy, and it's making me even more excited about the future."

Matthew Hussey 38:38 That's great.

Lewis Howes 38:39 [lips smack] So I'm curious for you, 'cause I feel like a lot of people are unwilling to ask painful questions early in the relationship out of fear of it not working out. So I'm curious, what are the painful questions or conversations we should be having with someone early in the relationship that may cause pain and discomfort now, but will not cause bigger problems in the future,

Lewis Howes 39:07 and will allow you to see if you're on the right path or not?

Matthew Hussey 39:11 I th- well, I think, uh, firstly, when things come up that are... where alarm bells go off for you, or where it just... It doesn't have to mean they're doing something that's explicitly wrong-

Lewis Howes 39:30 Uh-huh

Matthew Hussey 39:30 ... but they might be doing... There might be something that makes you go, "Oh, I, this is not aligned with me," and y- you can't skip over those moments.

Lewis Howes 39:41 Don't dismiss those moments.

Matthew Hussey 39:42 N- no. Be willing to open up a conversation about those things, and see what happens when you open up a conversation about that thing. You know, I wr- literally wrote an entire chapter in this book called Have Hard Conversations because having hard conversations is... Your, your life will get better in direct proportion to the number of hard conversations you are willing to have.

Lewis Howes 40:03 Mm-hmm.

Matthew Hussey 40:04 And so when you see something you don't like, do you, do you talk about it? There's elegant ways to talk about it. There's compassionate ways to talk about it. There's ways to talk about it kind of with open palms where you get someone to just talk about why they did that, or where that came from, or what that, you know, what that is. You use it to gain an understanding of them, but what you're really doing the whole time is you're trying to assess it... That thing I didn't like just then, is it indicative of a completely different value system than me? Or actually when I learn more about it, do I realize, oh, we have the same value system. It just, it just comes out in a different way for you.

Lewis Howes 40:48 Yeah.

Matthew Hussey 40:48 In which case, that might be a positive thing. How does having the conversation go in general? Do you learn in those m- 'cause in those moments you learn whether you can have a hard conversation with someone-

Lewis Howes 40:59 Yes

Matthew Hussey 40:59 ... or a challenging conversation, or an awkward conversation, or a vulnerable conversation. You learn if you can even have them, and any great relationship is capable of, is, is robust enough to be able to have difficult conversations and come out stronger. So I think even just the ability to use certain situations-

Lewis Howes 41:19 Yes

Matthew Hussey 41:19 ... as a chance to have an open conversation. If someone shames you, judges you, puts you down for having the conversation, tries to ki- makes you feel like you're treading on eggshells the next time you wanna have a hard conversation-

Lewis Howes 41:31 That's not fun

Matthew Hussey 41:32 ... then you're learning already that this relationship doesn't create space for these conversations to happen, and that's a relationship where you're gonna be incredibly unhappy over time.

Lewis Howes 41:42 Yeah.

Matthew Hussey 41:42 So I think those are important moments to do it. So that's kind of a reactive version, right? But the other time to do it is in almost, uh, being more proactive about knowing the things that you want for yourself down the line, knowing the values that are really important to you in a relationship, and bringing those things up. Like, how... What's your entry point for bringing something up? Like, I... A, a friend of mine I wrote, uh, uh, about in the book, her name is Tanya. She, um, she had had a very, very busy career for a long time, and was at a point in her life where she wanted a relationship, and she also knew she wanted a family. She wanted marriage. She wanted kids. [lips smack] And she got to the point where she just would be very Not upfront with people about asking, like, "Do you want that with

Matthew Hussey 42:38 me?" It would... That... She would never do that, but she-

Lewis Howes 42:40 Do you wanna have kids? Do you wanna be married? Yeah

Matthew Hussey 42:42 ... she would literally bring those things up proactively and say, you know... But she would almost start with herself. So she'd say, "I'm really excited." You know, whenever they asked her a question about her love life, she'd say, "I'm really... I'm at, in a place in my life where I've worked hard for a long time. I've put a lot of focus into my career. I feel like I'm ready now. Like, I get really excited about the idea of, um, being married. I get excited about the idea of being a mum. That's something I really want for myself at some point."

Lewis Howes 43:10 Mm-hmm.

Matthew Hussey 43:10 And by saying that, she wasn't saying, "I want it tomorrow," but by saying that, she was very clearly putting her cards on the table about what was important to her. She wasn't trying to play cool and indifferent, and like, "Yeah, you know, just see what life throws at me."

Lewis Howes 43:26 [laughs]

Matthew Hussey 43:26 "I don't care." Like-

Lewis Howes 43:26 Just have fun.

Matthew Hussey 43:27 Yeah, she's like very clearly like, "This is something I'm excited about in my life. How about you?" And then you're inviting someone to the conversation.

Lewis Howes 43:37 Mm-hmm.

Matthew Hussey 43:38 You're doing it in a way where you're making it... It's a very positive thing. This is a... You know, often we think of the things we want as our baggage. How do I bring up the fact that I want-

Lewis Howes 43:48 Right

Matthew Hussey 43:48 ... kids or that I wanna get married?

Lewis Howes 43:50 [laughs]

Matthew Hussey 43:50 Or like, I don't wanna scare them. I don't wanna-

Lewis Howes 43:52 Yeah.

Matthew Hussey 43:52 We, we come at it from this place of like it's, I'm fearful of putting my intentions on the table. But if you... What she did very well is she didn't make them her intentions for someone else. She made them her intentions for herself. She was just letting the person in on those intentions, and then she was asking what their intentions were for themself. So in doing that, you're not making it about like we're on, you know, date four and having this conversation that's way ahead of where we are right now for oursel- for, for each other, I mean. It was more, I'm... The same way that I might, on a date, talk about how I'm excited to start this business in the next few years. Well, what's the difference between that and-

Lewis Howes 44:37 Yeah

Matthew Hussey 44:37 ... I'm excited to be married in the next few years, or I'm excited to have a family in the next few years? Like, what's the difference? They're all just things... They're all goals of yours.

Lewis Howes 44:44 Yes.

Matthew Hussey 44:44 They're all things you're excited about for your life. So why attach all this baggage to the one that, you know, might one day involve someone else? It's because we, our, our fear of getting rejected is getting involved and saying, "They're gonna make... They're gonna think that I'm putting pressure on them," or whatever. But actually, if we own it as our intentions, and, and we own the fact that they haven't even... They're not even at the point where we could know that we... Like, you're not at the point where I know I could want that with you right now.

Lewis Howes 45:18 Right, right, right.

Matthew Hussey 45:18 There's 100 more thi- little-

Lewis Howes 45:20 Exactly

Matthew Hussey 45:21 ... experiences we need to go through before I would ever know that you're the person that I want for that. So how could it be about you right now? This is about me, but I'm curious to know whether, you know, what it is you want in your life. Because if for you, you told me today, "Oh, I categorically never wanna have kids-"

Lewis Howes 45:40 Right, then-

Matthew Hussey 45:40 ... and that's important to me-

Lewis Howes 45:42 Yeah, yeah

Matthew Hussey 45:42 ... then, hey, that's cool. I get it. Let's have a great dinner.

Lewis Howes 45:45 Yeah.

Matthew Hussey 45:45 And, and-

Lewis Howes 45:45 Then see you later.

Matthew Hussey 45:46 Yeah.

Lewis Howes 45:47 Yeah. Have a good one.

Matthew Hussey 45:48 Exactly.

Lewis Howes 45:48 Yeah, exactly. It's so interesting you say this because, uh-

Matthew Hussey 45:52 Yeah

Lewis Howes 45:52 ... Martha did a really good job of being curious with her questions with me early on.

Matthew Hussey 45:56 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 45:57 And not reacting or being like, "I can't believe that's what you want right now."

Matthew Hussey 46:00 And being neutral about it.

Lewis Howes 46:01 Yeah, just kind of being like-

Matthew Hussey 46:02 Mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 46:02 ... curious about, like, "Tell me about this, and tell me about this, and tell me about your past," and all these things where she wasn't reactive in making me wrong or shameful for my life, right? And she wasn't like, "Oh, that's really scary," or something like that. She was more curious and just paying attention and noticing. And there was about maybe a, a month and a half in of us dating, or maybe it was two months, I can't remember. We weren't officially committed yet, but we were dating and seeing g- uh, you know, having 100 of those, of those little moments. She said, "Hey, I wanna ask you a question." [laughs] With a pause, and I was like, "Okay, what is this? I've already told you this before." She's like, "What are your pri-" [laughs] She said, "What are your priorities in life?" I think every woman says this at some point to some guy they're dating, "What are your priorities?" And, um, and I got sad in that moment. I got sad because for the first time, I was like, "Man, I really like her, and I feel like there's... We're in harmony in a lot of areas. We're in alignment in a lot of areas." But every time I've shared my priorities in previous relationships, there's always a negative reaction. There's always a pain, an anger, an upset, something. So I was like, [sighs] "I'm really sad because..." And I said this to her. I said, "I'm gonna tell you the truth of my priorities, but I think this is the last conversation we might have."

Matthew Hussey 47:23 [laughs]

Lewis Howes 47:24 And I was really, I was really sad 'cause I was like, "Dang it, I'm really enjoying my time with her, and I just don't know if she's willing to accept the priorities in my life right now." And she kinda got a little... [laughs] She was like, "What is it?" She thought it was, like, gonna be some horrible thing or something, right? So I'm like, [sighs] "Like, listen, I'm, I wanna... This whole time I've known you, I've been 100% honest with you about everything, even stuff that's uncomfortable for me, from my past or shameful things. And so my priority is to continue to be honest with you, but I just don't think you can handle what I'm about to tell you, and I don't think you're gonna accept it." [sighs] And then she eventually was like, "Listen, trust me. I'll be able to handle it." And I said, "Okay, I just... No woman has ever handled my response to this question before, but it's nice knowing you. It's been nice knowing you." And I was really sad. I was really sad before I shared it, and I said, "Listen, uh, my first priority in life... And, and this may change in the future, but this is where I'm at right now in this season of my life. My first priority is my health, 'cause I want to be healthy. I want to make sure I'm taking care of my mental health, physical, spiritual health. So I need time every day to take care of that, and that's a number one priority." If I don't take care of health, I'm not gonna have good energy, I'm not gonna be as happy, I'm gonna be, you know, cranky, and that's not the life I wanna live. So that's the first priority for me. And I've told that to previous relationships, and every girl I was dating got mad at me for saying health as number one as opposed to

Lewis Howes 49:01 them as number one, the relationship. And she didn't react right away, so I was like, "Okay, priority number two, you're not gonna like this."

Matthew Hussey 49:10 Hold on. It gets worse.

Lewis Howes 49:12 Yes. [laughs]

Matthew Hussey 49:12 [laughs]

Lewis Howes 49:13 Priority number two, you're not gonna like this. It's still not gonna be you if we're in a relationship. Priority number two is my vision, is my purpose in life. What I feel, you know, I don't know the, the, the magic and the miracle of life and why we're here, I don't know the answer to. But I do know that there's some type of calling inside of me, some type of voice, some type of pull telling me that I need to continue to grow, continue to develop, and to serve humanity in a specific way as my purpose for this season of life. And that requires a lot of time, a lot of energy, and a lot of attention. And I know if I'm not taking care of my energy with that priority, I will be frustrated, cranky, grumpy. I'll feel like something's off inside of me because I'm pulling myself away from my purpose of this season of life. And that's priority number two. It's still not you. Or if we get together, it won't be you, right? And, uh, and she didn't react right away. She's just kind of like, "Okay, and what else?" And I said, "Priority number three in my, in my life right now is my, my intimate relationship. You know, if that's with you or whatever it might be, it'll be creating a healthy, loving environment, a peaceful environment in a relationship so we can thrive together in a relationship. And those are my top three priorities." And I'm just kind of waiting for her to say, "Okay, see you later." But she goes, "I love that. You know, that's really beautiful. And I've, and I've always wanted to meet a man who valued their health, valued their purpose, and valued the relationship." And I said, "Really? You're not like, you're not gonna run away? You're not afraid of that?" She said, "No." She goes, "That makes sense to me." And it was in alignment with her as well. And I said, "Listen, the reason I'm saying this, because if I'm extremely healthy and taken care of mentally, physically, spiritually, if I'm on purpose on a daily consistent basis, I'm gonna be more alive, I'm gonna have more energy, and you're gonna feel like the number one priority. You will feel my love, my appreciation, my attention, my care, my thoughtfulness, my generosity a thousandfold than if I made you the number one priority and I neglected health and I neglected purpose. That would only last so long, where I could pour into you as my only priority, top priority, and then everything else is secondary. And so you will feel like number one priority if you're in alignment with me with these other two." And it was a beautiful experience because I thought the relationship was gonna be over, when instead, that's when it started.

Matthew Hussey 51:56 Mm.

Lewis Howes 51:56 When it was like, okay, I'm able to have a challenging conversation and share these things vulnerably, the fear that you may not like what I'm about to say. And if I'm accepted with that, then it felt like it was just starting to begin with that challenging conversation. And I think a lot of us get afraid of opening up. We get afraid of talking about these things, or even like you said, like, you know, my intention is

Lewis Howes 52:24 to have a family one day. It doesn't have to be with you starting next month.

Matthew Hussey 52:28 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 52:28 Which that would scare me away if someone was like, "I need this by next month. We need to make this happen."

Matthew Hussey 52:33 For sure. Yeah.

Lewis Howes 52:33 I'd be like, "No, that doesn't work for me. We don't know each other." But, um, I think having these uncomfortable conversations earlier on will create more freedom later in the future.

Matthew Hussey 52:45 Do you think though with you, the more you have felt safe in your relationship, the more you've felt like she really has your back and you feel like y- you know, she's sort of anticipating your needs-

Lewis Howes 53:01 Mm

Matthew Hussey 53:01 ... or the things, you know, like she's really just a unbelievable teammate. Do, do you feel you would, do you feel you would give that same answer today that you gave back then or do you feel like back then there was almost a instinctive sort of protecting yourself from times where you didn't feel like the person you were with truly had your back and therefore because they didn't necessarily care about your health or your wellbeing or the things that were important to you, you had to do all of the caring about the things that were-

Lewis Howes 53:40 Mm

Matthew Hussey 53:40 ... important to you?

Lewis Howes 53:41 Yeah.

Matthew Hussey 53:41 And y- you, it's almost like-

Lewis Howes 53:43 Kind of like projecting it out there and like-

Matthew Hussey 53:44 I can't trust-

Lewis Howes 53:45 Yeah, yeah

Matthew Hussey 53:45 ... you to have my back on these things-

Lewis Howes 53:48 Yeah, yeah. Interesting

Matthew Hussey 53:48 ... because I've been through so much where it felt like I didn't, you know, if I didn't, if I didn't have my whole back on these things-

Lewis Howes 53:56 Yeah

Matthew Hussey 53:56 ... I would get steamrolled.

Lewis Howes 53:57 Yeah.

Matthew Hussey 53:58 But I, I'm curious if you feel like now almost-

Lewis Howes 54:01 Do I still say that?

Matthew Hussey 54:03 Yeah, like whether-

Lewis Howes 54:03 Yeah, I mean-

Matthew Hussey 54:03 ... whether it feels as, as clear cut as that or you feel, 'cause-

Lewis Howes 54:07 Yeah, and again, in a m... I mean, if I'm thinking like 20 years in the future, right? Or three years in the future, two years, five, 10 years in the future, and I'm thinking about we have kids now, you know, it's a different season of life, all these different things. I still think my top three priorities would be my health, spiritual, physical-

Matthew Hussey 54:28 Mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 54:28 ... mental. You know, my connection to my health.

Matthew Hussey 54:30 Yeah, yeah.

Lewis Howes 54:30 And that's a spiritual connection to God and all these different things. 'Cause a lot of people say they put, you know, God as their first priority. I consider that as part of my first priority, like my connection, my spiritual connection, because if I don't have that physical, mental, emotional connection with self, I'm gonna be disconnected from others and I'm not gonna have the energy to be present to others. ... at the best level. So I feel like that's gotta be priority number one. I- and I still think we all are, are here for a purpose, and if we are neglecting our purpose in the season of life that we have with that purpose, as purpose may change, then we're neglecting the reason of our existence. And if we neglect that, we feel out of alignment. We don't feel like, [sighs] something's off inside of me. I'm not doing or using my talents in the best abilities with where I'm at. So I feel like I, if I wasn't putting that as a high priority, I'd be, feel off inside, and therefore I wouldn't be as good to other people. I wouldn't be as valuable, present, caring, or generous 'cause I'd be frustrated with self. So that's why I think those two things would still be just as important, you know, two years, 10, 10 years from now. And then my intimate relationship would be... [smacks lips] And again, it's not like it's less than. It doesn't get any energy or any attention.

Matthew Hussey 55:44 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 55:44 It's just, like, making sure this

Lewis Howes 55:46 is at the forefront, and then that's on the forefront, and the relationship. But because one and two are at a high level, again, it feels like number three is number one. It feels like the relationship is the top priority-

Matthew Hussey 55:58 Yeah

Lewis Howes 55:58 ... because I'm taking care of self and that relationship with my purpose at a high level. And it doesn't mean I'm perfect every day or I'm, you know, not frustrated at times or not, uh, uh, or I'm impatient or whatever it might be, and that means, oh, something was off in one or two. I gotta get back in alignment with those things. So, and the fact that she loves that and she encourages me, "Yeah, go work out." Um, and she, and she reminds me almost weekly, and she t- she's really smart in the way she communicates with me 'cause she, she's just like, "Man, it's so attractive of, of, like, how you care so deeply about your purpose." She's really smart in how she communicates. She's, "I love the way you just care about people so much and your mission and, and, y- you know, what you're creating with your team," like... 'Cause she'll see people come up to me and talk about the transformation or the experiences or, like, the impact that the, that we as a team have made on them, and she's like, "God, that's so inspiring that you have this purpose."

Matthew Hussey 56:56 Mm.

Lewis Howes 56:57 So-

Matthew Hussey 56:57 And you feel seen when she says that

Lewis Howes 56:58 ... I just feel like, yeah, I can keep going and not feel bad-

Matthew Hussey 57:03 Mm-hmm

Lewis Howes 57:03 ... for working hard. And again, it, it, it doesn't mean I get to neglect the relationship or, like, give it no time. I'm still showing up fully in the relationship.

Matthew Hussey 57:14 Well, that's the thing, right? The, the, in a sense, you, you had a hard conversation from your side-

Lewis Howes 57:21 Mm-hmm

Matthew Hussey 57:23 ... and the, the flip side of that is her looking at that and saying, "I love this man. I respect this man. I wanna support him. I wanna support his dreams and the things that he wants to achieve in his life, but am I getting my needs met in this situation?"

Lewis Howes 57:49 Right. Right.

Matthew Hussey 57:50 And the hard-

Lewis Howes 57:51 Exactly

Matthew Hussey 57:51 ... conversation from her side, which is the part that often people fall down on, and I think what someone hearing that, what they might be afraid of in hearing all of that is they might hear a situation where they're, uh, you know, they may have even been in a situation before-

Lewis Howes 58:07 Yes

Matthew Hussey 58:07 ... with someone who just monopolized their energy-

Lewis Howes 58:12 Yes

Matthew Hussey 58:12 ... their intimacy, their love, their validation-

Lewis Howes 58:16 Mm-hmm

Matthew Hussey 58:16 ... on their terms all the time in a way that worked for them, but that person felt like they lost themselves-

Lewis Howes 58:25 Yes

Matthew Hussey 58:25 ... and they never got any of their needs met, or their me- needs were always secondary. So-

Lewis Howes 58:29 100%. And that's, and that's a-

Matthew Hussey 58:30 That, that other side of that is her being capable-

Lewis Howes 58:33 Yes

Matthew Hussey 58:33 ... and which I know Martha, and I know she is, but it's her being-

Lewis Howes 58:35 She takes care of her own needs also, but I, um [sighs] I mean, you can ask her and probably weekly or every other week at least, but almost weekly if not daily I say, you know, "What else can I do to support you today?" You know? "Are you, is there anything I can do to support you lately? What do you need from me?" Like, I'm constantly checking in with her and asking her moments throughout days or weeks and saying, "Am I doing a good job for you? Like, what could I be doing better to make sure you feel more loved, seen, and appreciated?"

Matthew Hussey 59:06 Mm-hmm.

Lewis Howes 59:07 I'll ask her these questions, and she'll tell me, and she's, and she, I don't think she's ever been like, "I need more of this from you." She doesn't say that. She goes, "No, I feel, I feel seen. I feel loved. I feel appreciated." So it's not like I'm just neglecting her needs

Lewis Howes 59:21 and never showing up for her and never creating intimate moments and times or, and never going on trips. I'm, like, always trying to create for her in the relationship as well, and I'm asking her, "Is there anything you, you need from me? What can I do to support you today? How can I make you feel more loved and more seen?" And I ask that constantly because I wanna make sure she feels like she's a top priority. So I, I get it if women are listening or watching, thinking, "Okay, if I have to accept a man that he's gonna be working 60 to 80 hours a week, and he's, then he's gonna work out late at night with his friends, and then he's gonna go do marathons on the weekends, when's he gonna have time for me?" I get that. And so I think you gotta understand, like, are they gonna put you at a similar level of time, attention, and value in their priorities as well with the relationship? Not only when they're courting you, but once they're with you long-term and committed.

Matthew Hussey 1:00:14 Yeah, and you, the same way... Look, people can agree or disagree with what you've said.

Lewis Howes 1:00:20 Yeah.

Matthew Hussey 1:00:20 What you've demonstrated in what you've said is an ability to be very honest with yourself and with another person about what you need. And-

Lewis Howes 1:00:30 And she may not want that

Matthew Hussey 1:00:31 ... exactly. And this-

Lewis Howes 1:00:32 She may not want that

Matthew Hussey 1:00:33 ... is really important for people to hear because it's not, no one needs to hear that and go, "That's m- you know, that's what I would have to accept," or that, "That's my dream person."

Lewis Howes 1:00:46 Right. Yes.

Matthew Hussey 1:00:46 Anyone... What we have to do is get really honest with ourselves. The hard, the real hard conversation is the one we have to have with ourselves where we say, "What is it that I actually need?" In order for me to be happy

Lewis Howes 1:01:02 Yes

Matthew Hussey 1:01:03 And, and I don't mean what do I need to, uh, that's everything on my list, but what do I need at my core? What are the core needs that need to be met for me to be happy? And at a certain point, you may be dating someone who runs a business and is never around, and you may say to yourself, "I love this person." But regardless of whether you love this person-

Lewis Howes 1:01:30 Mm-hmm

Matthew Hussey 1:01:30 ... you may be miserable-

Lewis Howes 1:01:32 Yes

Matthew Hussey 1:01:32 ... with this person. And you, uh... there's a certain point in life where you have... Like, I- there's a, there's a... Like, if me and Audrey were on completely different schedules all the time, and we never saw each other-

Lewis Howes 1:01:47 It'd be tough

Matthew Hussey 1:01:47 ... I would be unhappy.

Lewis Howes 1:01:49 Yeah.

Matthew Hussey 1:01:49 And people have to get really honest. This is why in the book I talk about four levels of importance in a relationship.

Lewis Howes 1:01:55 Mm. What are those levels?

Matthew Hussey 1:01:56 The, the, the first one is admiration, which is just thinking someone's great. [laughs]

Lewis Howes 1:02:01 You have to respect them or admire them or-

Matthew Hussey 1:02:02 Yeah. But by the way, you could even just have admiration for, like, the person who works in the same building as you 'cause you think they're hot. Like, it could be-

Lewis Howes 1:02:08 Remember that

Matthew Hussey 1:02:09 ... literally just, like, I, I'm admiring you from afar

Lewis Howes 1:02:11 Basic instincts, yeah, yeah.

Matthew Hussey 1:02:12 But it's not like... Or you might like the qualities they have, but they don't necessarily recognize you, or they don't necessarily like you. They may not even know you exist.

Lewis Howes 1:02:20 Right.

Matthew Hussey 1:02:21 This- so this first level, admiration, is not very important. The second level is mutual attraction, and that's where-

Lewis Howes 1:02:27 Uh-huh

Matthew Hussey 1:02:27 ... you and this person like each other. There's chemistry, there's connection, you, you know, you have a great time together. Now, this is the most dangerous phase because it's the phase where people end up, like, spending years and years pining over someone who they find out doesn't want a relationship at the end of it. So just having mutual

Matthew Hussey 1:02:50 attraction with someone doesn't count for a lot if someone wants different things than you.

Lewis Howes 1:02:54 Yes.

Matthew Hussey 1:02:55 Which is why the third level is really important. That's commitment. Commitment is are we saying yes to each other? It's no good saying I have the most epic connection with someone and they don't even wanna be with me.

Lewis Howes 1:03:06 Right.

Matthew Hussey 1:03:06 What is... Then the epic connection is worthless in the context of a relationship, so commitment, level three. And level four is compatibility. Commitment isn't enough.

Lewis Howes 1:03:17 Mm-hmm.

Matthew Hussey 1:03:17 You need compatibility. Do we work together?

Lewis Howes 1:03:20 Right.

Matthew Hussey 1:03:21 Do we form a team that is a happy team? Do we want the same things? Do we have shared values? Do we wanna live our lives in the same way? Do we look at our future and say that, like, are our visions for the future compatible?

Lewis Howes 1:03:34 Mm.

Matthew Hussey 1:03:34 They may not be exactly the same, but can they work together?

Lewis Howes 1:03:37 Right.

Matthew Hussey 1:03:38 Like, y- y- y- you know, can we navigate our differences in a positive and healthy way? 'Cause you will have differences. You won't be compatible in every single department, but you can have compatibility in how much grace you give to each other, or how much compassion you give-

Lewis Howes 1:03:53 Yeah

Matthew Hussey 1:03:53 ... to your differences, or how much you can laugh at your differences. You know, Audrey's constantly laughing at me for, like, my quirks or my eccentricities, and she, she's not like that, but she finds them hilarious-

Lewis Howes 1:04:04 Yeah

Matthew Hussey 1:04:04 ... and she's like, "That's just you." It's can you, can you do that with each other? That's, that's a s- that's compatibility too. You're different, but you manages the, you manage the differences well.

Lewis Howes 1:04:14 Mm.

Matthew Hussey 1:04:14 They can even be a source of pleasure and joy and, and fun and-

Lewis Howes 1:04:17 Yes

Matthew Hussey 1:04:18 ... and, and so that's compatibility. And a lot of people get really tripped up. In order to have a meaningful, lasting relationship, you need all four of those, right? You can't stop at mutual connection or mutual attraction rather 'cause you need a commitment, but you can't stop at commitment 'cause you need compatibility. How many people watching this episode or listening to this episode have been in a relationship before where they had a commitment, but they were not compatible with this person, and they were miserable?

Lewis Howes 1:04:46 Y- yeah.

Matthew Hussey 1:04:46 So, so it's not enough to say, "I love someone." Is-

Lewis Howes 1:04:50 Is love enough?

Matthew Hussey 1:04:51 Can you... It's definitely not. It's definitely not. It's, it... you can love, you can love-

Lewis Howes 1:04:57 Yeah

Matthew Hussey 1:04:57 ... someone who treats you horribly, you know? I- i- it's not, uh-

Lewis Howes 1:05:02 So love's not all you need.

Matthew Hussey 1:05:03 Love is absolutely not all you need.

Lewis Howes 1:05:05 You're British, come on.

Matthew Hussey 1:05:06 No, no, The Beatles. Well, look, it might be true in life-

Lewis Howes 1:05:09 In the world, yeah, yeah, yeah

Matthew Hussey 1:05:10 ... but it's not true in, in intimate relationships.

Lewis Howes 1:05:13 Mm. Why is love not a- all you need in intimate relationships?

Matthew Hussey 1:05:19 Because you can be with, uh, someone who has a completely different value system than you and, and be miserable. If this person lies to you every day-

Lewis Howes 1:05:32 Mm-hmm

Matthew Hussey 1:05:33 ... what does it matter that you keep saying you love them? This person's gonna make you utterly miserable.

Lewis Howes 1:05:39 Right.

Matthew Hussey 1:05:40 Right? If someone gaslights you every day or if someone's idea of, like, the way they wanna spend their life is constantly traveling around the world, and you really wanna be... you wanna create a community where you live and be close to your family, and they just wanna live a nomadic life for the rest of their life, then the, the love isn't gonna... You're not gonna magically be happy because you love someone.

Lewis Howes 1:06:05 Right.

Matthew Hussey 1:06:06 You're gonna love them and be miserable. So what's the goal here? Is the goal your peace? Is the goal

Matthew Hussey 1:06:13 your happiness? If so, you have to start taking that as seriously as you take your love for the person.

Lewis Howes 1:06:20 Mm-hmm.

Matthew Hussey 1:06:21 You can love a friend like that, but you can't-

Lewis Howes 1:06:24 Right

Matthew Hussey 1:06:25 ... you can't do it with an intimate partner because we expect too much-

Lewis Howes 1:06:28 Yes

Matthew Hussey 1:06:29 ... from an intimate partner to be wildly incompatible with them and to still, to, to give our lives to a person that we're wildly incompatible with. 'Cause it's a... If, if it's... If loving you is at odds with me be- living a life of peace and happiness-

Lewis Howes 1:06:44 Mm

Matthew Hussey 1:06:45 ... then, then I can't choose love-

Lewis Howes 1:06:49 Right

Matthew Hussey 1:06:49 ... in, in this case.

Lewis Howes 1:06:50 And which I've got a couple final questions with you to follow up with that. Um, before I do, I want people to get the book, Love Life: How to Raise Your Standards, Find Your Person and Live Happily No Matter What. Make sure you guys get this. A lot of great stories, lessons, frameworks for- Creating a love that you want, um, not only with someone else, but ultimately with yourself, which is the most important thing, is having that standard with yourself and love yourself-

Matthew Hussey 1:07:16 And I have something I wanna say on that as well-

Lewis Howes 1:07:18 Yeah

Matthew Hussey 1:07:18 ... before we wrap up-

Lewis Howes 1:07:19 For sure

Matthew Hussey 1:07:19 ... 'cause there's something very, very important for, that's in the book that will change the way people think about that love for yourself-

Lewis Howes 1:07:26 Mm

Matthew Hussey 1:07:26 ... forever.

Lewis Howes 1:07:27 Go ahead and share now.

Matthew Hussey 1:07:28 Well, the, the... We were just talking about this idea that you shouldn't be in a relationship that makes you unhappy, right? Or that you shouldn't be with someone that doesn't meet your needs, that fundamentally robs you of your peace or constantly makes you feel anxious, constantly makes you feel like you're not good enough. And there's a very big reason why you shouldn't be in a situation like that, and there's a recipe for self-love that will make sure you never are in a situation like that again.

Lewis Howes 1:08:03 Mm.

Matthew Hussey 1:08:03 And it's not the recipe for self-love that's being prescribed out there in so many different places that I see. There's a, I, the self-love concept makes me run away.

Lewis Howes 1:08:12 Okay. [laughs]

Matthew Hussey 1:08:13 Because it's so, it feels so muddied by sort of generic self-help advice, and it, it gets constantly conflated with self-care, and it, and it also just always feels a bit woo-woo. Like, I don't know how to connect to it.

Lewis Howes 1:08:31 Yes.

Matthew Hussey 1:08:32 I'm a very rational, logical person. I need a bulletproof way-

Lewis Howes 1:08:35 Yes

Matthew Hussey 1:08:35 ... to connect to a concept, or I'm not gonna use it. And whenever I heard anyone talking about self-love, something about it felt s- somehow indulgent-

Lewis Howes 1:08:46 Superficial or something. Yeah

Matthew Hussey 1:08:46 ... to me. It felt egotistical. It didn't... And, like, ego's the problem, right? Ego's the problem-

Lewis Howes 1:08:51 Yes

Matthew Hussey 1:08:51 ... in the first place. When I would ask audiences, "Why should you love yourself?" 'Cause it, I, if I said, "Should you love yourself? Is it important?" Everyone went, "Yeah, of course." Everyone agreed that was, like, important, but when I said, "Well, why should you love yourself," people were really struggled with the answer to that question. And I would then, I would wait for an answer. I'd just sit there in silence with the audience. I did, did this at my retreat every year for years. I would just sit in silence while the audience came up with an answer to why to love yourself, and eventually someone would say, "Well, because we deserve it." And I'd say, "Okay, but why do you deserve it? Like, let's explore that. Why do you deserve self-love, or why do you deserve love?" "Well, because I, uh, I'm generous," "Because I'm ambitious," "Because I, uh, take care of my family," "Because I work really hard,"

Matthew Hussey 1:09:46 "Because I..." They would start reeling off these qualities, and I'd be like, "This is a problem because you're not those things every minute of the day. So are you saying you don't deserve love when you're not those things?" And people would suddenly realize why they hated themselves so much of the time.

Lewis Howes 1:10:05 Mm.

Matthew Hussey 1:10:05 Because they were never living up to this thing that they thought, "If I'm these things, then I'm lovable." So any time they said a mean thing, any time they were selfish, any time they didn't show up for their family, any time they didn't work hard, they would suddenly go straight to, "I'm detestable. I, I, I deserve contempt." So that didn't work. Not to mention, even on your days where you are those things, there's always someone who's more of them.

Lewis Howes 1:10:30 Mm-hmm.

Matthew Hussey 1:10:31 So if someone can walk into the room and they're more hardworking, or they're more ambitious, or they're kinder, or they're more generous, do they deserve more self-love than you deserve?

Lewis Howes 1:10:39 Right.

Matthew Hussey 1:10:40 That's a problem. So all of that model is equivalent to giving yourself love on the days where you get an A in life but not on the days where you don't. And to me, I knew that was a way that I have beat myself up in a masochistic way my whole life 'cause, by my standards, I'm never living up to what I think I need to live up to in order to be deserving of love. I've never worked hard enough. As long as there's something on my to-do list still, I go to bed thinking, "Oh, I sh- didn't get that done. Oh, see? Couldn't get that done." Like, I would wake up every morning in deficit going, "I need to earn my love today, today," you know? Like, and no matter how hard I worked, it only counted up until midnight last night.

Lewis Howes 1:11:21 Oh, man. [laughs]

Matthew Hussey 1:11:21 And then I'd go to bed for six hours, wake up, and I'd go, "Right, you're in deficit again. Now you've gotta earn that love again." That was how I lived my whole life. So for me, when I heard all these reasons why you should love yourself, I was like, "This is, this is exactly why I've h- found it hard to love myself," and I believe that's the same for everyone else, too. So we have to get away from that model, and I al- I almost think of that model almost like the romantic model, the way we fall in love with other people. I, I love someone else because there's, they have all these great qualities, and I wanna get close to them. And, and the truth is the closer we get to someone, the more their mystery evaporates and the more familiar we get with them. And even in relationships with other people, what's the f- saying? Familiarity breeds contempt. So the closer we get to someone, the more we start to see their flaws, and we forget about or take for granted all of the things they do really well. The more we start to feel like, "Ah, this person's not as great as I thought," or we get bored of them. And over time, a lot of long-term relationships end because there's contempt, right? Familiarity breeds contempt.

Lewis Howes 1:12:28 Mm-hmm.

Matthew Hussey 1:12:29 Well, if familiarity breeds contempt, who would we have more contempt for than ourselves? We have spent every second-

Lewis Howes 1:12:35 Right

Matthew Hussey 1:12:35 ... with ourselves since the day we were born. W- If familiarity breeds contempt when it comes to ourselves, there's almost no room for anything else.

Lewis Howes 1:12:43 Mm.

Matthew Hussey 1:12:44 So what I realized is, oh, th- this model, the romantic model for loving ourselves is broken. We're not gonna ever fall in love with ourselves the way that we easily fall in love with other people.

Lewis Howes 1:12:57 Mm.

Matthew Hussey 1:12:58 We're gonna need a more robust model, and I started looking around for other places that that model existed. So one of them was the parent-child relationship, where with a parent and a child, if you ask a parent, "Why do you love your child," a parent doesn't say Well, because they got an A in maths yesterday, and because, you know, have you, have you seen how hard they work at school? And-

Lewis Howes 1:13:18 Right, right

Matthew Hussey 1:13:19 ... you know, they're... And they looked so cute in that dress this morning. And they just... You ask, "Why, why do you love your child?" A parent will go, "They're my child. They're mine." Well, what if you took that model-

Lewis Howes 1:13:31 Mm

Matthew Hussey 1:13:31 ... and you used that as your model for self-love? How do you use that as your model? Well, imagine that on day one, first day of your life, you were given a human, whether by God or nature or whatever you believe, it doesn't matter. This works for all belief systems. On day one, you have a human. You're lucky enough to get a human in the first place, right? Most of the sperm that have ever existed-

Lewis Howes 1:13:58 Right, right

Matthew Hussey 1:13:59 ... [laughs] never turned into a human.

Lewis Howes 1:14:00 Exactly.

Matthew Hussey 1:14:01 So you got a human.

Lewis Howes 1:14:02 [laughs]

Matthew Hussey 1:14:05 Your job, your only job in your life, is to take care of that human.

Lewis Howes 1:14:10 Yes.

Matthew Hussey 1:14:10 You don't have any other job. Like, you may take on lots of other jobs, friendships, marriage, a career, uh, but the one job you always have, no matter what, is you have to take care of this human. Look after them, nurture them, support them, encourage them, stand up for them. Try to give this human the best life you can. When you look at life through that lens... And by the way, when you were growing up, someone else's job was to keep you alive. But what no- no one told you at 18 years old, or whenever you decided to go out into the world is, "Hey, from now on, you have full custody of this human."

Lewis Howes 1:14:49 Mm-hmm.

Matthew Hussey 1:14:50 So your job, from now till the day you die, is to give this human the best experience of it possible. Comparison with other people through that lens makes no sense. You can't exchange yourself for a different human. It's not like you get to 25 and someone goes, "Do you wanna swap this human out for a different one?" You don't get to do that. You just have this human. So it's no point worrying about what you don't have-

Lewis Howes 1:15:18 Mm-hmm

Matthew Hussey 1:15:18 ... or what you feel insecure about, or the way your body is, or that your face is, or the, how good of a brain you have compared to other people. It's all irrelevant. Your only job in this whole thing is to make the best of this human, and to try to give them the best experience you can. When you think like that, any time I'm burning myself out, I'm being horrible to myself, I'm speaking badly to myself, I'm not taking care of myself, I'm not taking care of my health, I'm not... I'm working myself to the bone, I'll have moments where I catch myself and I'm like, "Matthew, you had one job."

Lewis Howes 1:15:58 Mm.

Matthew Hussey 1:15:59 "Where have you been?" Imagine someone saying to you, "Why do you love yourself?" And you saying, like a parent says about their child, "What are you talking about? Because I'm mine."

Lewis Howes 1:16:10 Mm.

Matthew Hussey 1:16:10 "I'm my human." I don't need to come up with qualities that make me lovable. I love myself because it's my job. It's an approach. Love isn't a f- self-love isn't a feeling. We have to get out of this mindset that loving myself is a feeling I have to feel. You don't have to l- love yourself

Matthew Hussey 1:16:31 as a feeling. You don't even have to like yourself to love yourself.

Lewis Howes 1:16:33 Mm.

Matthew Hussey 1:16:35 Liking yourself can come later. Loving yourself starts today with the approach you take to taking care of your human.

Lewis Howes 1:16:43 Mm.

Matthew Hussey 1:16:44 And when you think like that, it changes everything. 'Cause all of a sudden, that person we're talking about that makes you miserable, you stop going, "But I love them," and you start saying, "It's n- this is a complete abdication of my responsibility to, to my human-

Lewis Howes 1:17:02 Mm

Matthew Hussey 1:17:03 ... to continue to put my human around this person."

Lewis Howes 1:17:05 Wow.

Matthew Hussey 1:17:06 What, what am I doing? I'm sleeping on the job. If someone is treating me poorly, or if someone doesn't value me, or if someone's constantly making me second-guess my worth, or if someone keeps telling me they're not ready, they're not ready, they're not ready, or they're not sure about me-

Lewis Howes 1:17:22 Then believe them

Matthew Hussey 1:17:23 ... why am I putting my human around that person?

Lewis Howes 1:17:26 Mm-hmm.

Matthew Hussey 1:17:27 That's not me taking care of my human. That's not me giving my human the best life I can give them. Why am I doing this to my human? So that idea, that it's my job to take care of my human-

Lewis Howes 1:17:41 Mm

Matthew Hussey 1:17:42 ... it's not... I don't have to wake up this morning, morning and go, "I feel so in love with me." You don't have to feel that. You have to wake up and go, "What does it look like for me today? What would I do today? What decisions would I make today if I was trying to give my human the best life I could give them?" That'll change everything you do.

Lewis Howes 1:18:03 Mm. It's powerful, man. Love Life, How to Raise Your Standards, Find Your Person and Live Happily No Matter What. Make sure you guys get a copy right now. The book is out right now. If you're watching this or listening, uh, then go to, um, your website, matthewhussey.com or-

Matthew Hussey 1:18:21 Actually, actually it's lovelifebook.com. And the reason I say Love Life, people can go to lovelifebook.com to get the book. Um, and for anyone who what I said just resonated with you and it got you to think about your worth and the way you treat yourself, your relationship with yourself differently, I elaborate on that in a big way in the book. This book is designed to help you with the three relationships that dictate your quality of life, the relationship you have with other people, the relationship you have with yourself, and your relationship with life itself.

Lewis Howes 1:18:53 Mm.

Matthew Hussey 1:18:54 And, um, it's, uh, it's all in there. And I, I always say epiphanies are great, but repetition is what actually makes the difference. And everything that I'm talking about, and a lot more, is in that book for you to repeat over and over again.

Lewis Howes 1:19:07 Yeah.

Matthew Hussey 1:19:07 And if you go to lovelifebook.com, you can not only get a copy of the book, but, uh, you'll get an exclusive ticket to an event that I'm doing on May the 4th called Find Your Person-

Lewis Howes 1:19:18 Mm

Matthew Hussey 1:19:19 ... which is, uh, really designed to take all of the ideas from the book and bring them to life in your year, this year, in a practical way. So I, I hope this can be both a co-pilot for anyone who's looking for love, but also help people to find more peace and more confidence and more happiness today.

Lewis Howes 1:19:41 Mm.

Matthew Hussey 1:19:42 Because life is too short to defer those things to a time when you have that person in front of you. I think there's a very dark end of the spectrum with love bombing, and there's a much more naive end of the spectrum with love bombing. The sort of dark end of the spectrum is someone who's really trying to get you to move faster than you would organically move, so that they can extract a lot of attention and value

Matthew Hussey 1:20:06 and love from you very, very quickly. But the s-