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Lewis HowesSTOP DOING These Things If You Want To FIND LOVE TODAY |DeVon Franklin & Lewis Howes
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Chapter summaries
Why One Woman Never Seems Like Enough
Lewis Howes introduces DeVon Franklin and his book The Truth About Men, then asks why so many men struggle to be satisfied in one relationship. DeVon describes a war between love and lust, which he says is amplified by social media and by a culture that trains men to want more.
- •DeVon defines lust as a selfish impulse for fulfillment by any means necessary
- •Men are taught to feed lust rather than love
- •Saying 'I do' is not a magic wand; discipline must be practiced beforehand
- •Dating better leads to marrying, parenting and community-building better
Telling the Truth and Using Peace as a Compass
Lewis asks how to know when a relationship is the right one. DeVon says the premise of the book is telling the truth, names peace as the strongest barometer, and urges men to be honest early rather than let a partner invest more.
- •Fear of judgment keeps people from being truthful with their partner
- •Peace is the compass for love versus lust
- •Telling a partner early avoids inflicting more pain later
- •Dating with intent means thinking beyond sex and seeing a woman as an individual
Love, Lust and Peace in Hollywood Men
Lewis asks about successful men in Hollywood who date multiple partners. DeVon says they have the fun and money but not the peace, and he explains how he dated with intention before his marriage and why lust makes a man a part-time manipulator.
- •More women does not bring more peace, only more chaos
- •DeVon asked himself what he had to show for it before marriage
- •Dating with intention means telling each woman where you are
- •Success to DeVon means peace and who looks back in the mirror
Advice for Women: Get Out of the Gray Area
DeVon turns to women, urging them to ask clear, direct questions and to have an observation period before sharing their plans or their bodies. He uses a phone-passcode analogy and says women hold more power in dating than they realize.
- •The person with the most knowledge in a relationship has the most power
- •Ask direct questions about exclusivity and plans
- •Observe a man before telling him your future plans
- •Wait until a trusted, committed relationship before sex
- •Don't lower standards out of desperation
Desire in Marriage and Why Men Need Love
Lewis asks about happily married men and whether temptation ever disappears. DeVon says no married man has zero desire, so it is a matter of managing it, and that men struggle with giving and receiving love because of the box they are raised in.
- •Desire is managed through discipline, not eliminated
- •Happily married men resist temptation because they love their wife and life
- •Love is what life is about, not money, power or fame
- •Men are taught growing up to suppress vulnerability
- •Unhealed hurt can make a man close himself off to love
Suppression, Safe Spaces and Feeding Virtue
The conversation moves to how men handle heartbreak and emotion. DeVon says anything suppressed becomes empowered, recommends a safe space with one person you can be honest with, and describes feeding virtue instead of vice.
- •Men often hold in heartbreak while women more often talk it out
- •Suppression builds pressure, and lust becomes an outlet
- •The world is designed to feed vice, such as Instagram
- •Seek out virtue like books, church, and the right music
- •Vice is like junk food, so you eat whatever is closest
Feeling Loved, Feeling Hurt, and Gratitude
Lewis asks how DeVon's wife supports him and when he feels most loved and most hurt. DeVon says he feels loved through action and support, feels hurt when alone, and uses gratitude when discouraged.
- •His wife's encouragement helped him write the book vulnerably
- •Home life that is settled brings freedom
- •He feels most loved through love in action
- •He feels most hurt when he feels alone
- •Quick moments of gratitude help him refocus
The Hardest Part of Marriage and Communication
DeVon shares that merging two individuals is the biggest marriage challenge and that the love underneath is what lets them work through it. He names interpersonal communication as his area to improve and explains the difference between truth and facts.
- •Marriage means constant negotiation between two different people
- •Love creates the environment to work through friction
- •Public communication is easier than personal communication
- •Suppressed thoughts persist until acknowledged
- •Truth versus facts: share the essence of what you feel, not every detail
Persona Versus Person and Truths Still Hidden
Lewis asks whether there is truth DeVon has yet to share. DeVon says he owns his truth now but with an asterisk, because buried things can surface, and he wrote the book to close the gap between persona and person.
- •Truth about oneself keeps evolving
- •Triggers can reveal hidden hurt from a mother or father
- •He struggles between love and lust himself
- •The book is meant to close the gap between persona and person
Losing His Father and Healing the Internal Wound
DeVon describes the trauma of his father's death when he was nine, including kissing his father goodbye in the morgue. He explains how it drove him to prove himself through achievement, how the book's list disappointment exposed that wound, and how he heals by being and not just doing.
- •His father died when he was nine; he was a rebel in reverse through achievement
- •External achievement cannot heal an internal hole
- •Healing starts with honesty and asking where the feeling comes from
- •Moving from discouragement to determination after missing the bestseller list
- •Men must learn to be, not just do
- •He still feels less whole without his father
What Women Should Know About Dating a Man Who Lost His Father
DeVon advises women to go beneath surface answers like 'I'm good' and ask what is worrying or scaring a man. He says doing so builds deep connection and applies to any man.
- •Wounded men often hide pain behind an image of having it together
- •Ask what a man is anxious or afraid of
- •Most women don't go beneath the surface, so these questions build connection
- •The tips apply to anyone
Daily Habits and the One-Degree Drift
Lewis asks for non-negotiable daily practices. DeVon recommends starting the day in love, staying aware of your partner's life, and watching small things, using the one-degree-off ship analogy.
- •Start the day communicating love and appreciation
- •Take a moment to plug into your partner before rushing out
- •Stay aware of your partner's day so you can ask about it
- •Separate lives with no awareness leave a relationship vulnerable
- •Failed relationships start with one small degree of drift
Calling Out the King and Keeping Your Standards
Lewis asks whether a woman can call forth a man with potential. DeVon uses the king and fool anecdote and says a woman can speak to the master in a man but cannot do his work, and sometimes leaving is the only thing that prompts change. He urges women not to lower standards for companionship.
- •A wife can speak to the king in a man to help him set aside foolishness
- •A woman cannot do a man's work for him
- •Leaving may be the only thing that convinces an unwilling man to change
- •Love and respect should not be a choice
- •Better to be single and whole than compromised
Three Truths, Acknowledgment and Definition of Greatness
Lewis asks the three truths question, and DeVon answers that love will, love works, and love wins. Lewis recommends the book and acknowledges DeVon's humility, and DeVon defines greatness as humility.
- •Three truths: love will, love works, love wins
- •Lewis recommends the book for singles, couples, and gifts for girlfriends
- •Lewis acknowledges DeVon's ongoing honesty and meaningful work
- •Greatness is found in humility
