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STOP DOING These Things If You Want To FIND LOVE TODAY |DeVon Franklin & Lewis Howes

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DeVon FranklinguestLewis Howeshost

Mar 11, 20191h 8mWatch on YouTube

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Transcript

80 min read · 15,883 words

0:00 – 6:44
Why One Woman Never Seems Like Enough
1. DFDeVon Franklin
  If you really wanna get, become successful in life, and success to me is nothing to do with happens in the world. Success is, to me, peace.
2. LHLewis Howes
  The inner world.
3. DFDeVon Franklin
  It's inner world. Success is-
4. LHLewis Howes
  Absolutely, me too
5. DFDeVon Franklin
  ... who, who is the person that looks back at you in the mirror? And, and there is where success starts and where it stops. We see a lot of men who have, uh, public success, but no personal success.
6. LHLewis Howes
  Yeah.
7. DFDeVon Franklin
  And there used to be a time where that was okay. But now, real success starts, you know, with who's looking back in the mirror.
8. LHLewis Howes
  Mm-hmm.
9. DFDeVon Franklin
  So I would ask any man, if you are finding yourself dating multiple women, for multiple women's sake, why? Ask, just stop to ask the question, why are you doing it? And what is the real value that you're getting out of it? [upbeat music]
10. LHLewis Howes
  All right, welcome back everyone to the School of Greatness podcast. We've got my friend, DeVon Franklin-
11. DFDeVon Franklin
  Yo
12. LHLewis Howes
  ... in the house, man.
13. DFDeVon Franklin
  What's up, bro?
14. LHLewis Howes
  Super pumped. That was a good pop right there.
15. DFDeVon Franklin
  [laughs]
16. LHLewis Howes
  That was good, man. Love it. Uh-
17. DFDeVon Franklin
  Thank you
18. LHLewis Howes
  ... you are one of the most inspiring guys that I know. I love following your work. You do-
19. DFDeVon Franklin
  Wow, thank you, likewise
20. LHLewis Howes
  ... you do, you do work that is just authentic to you.
21. DFDeVon Franklin
  Mm-hmm.
22. LHLewis Howes
  And you don't care what people think.
23. DFDeVon Franklin
  Yeah.
24. LHLewis Howes
  And that's what I love about it. It may be unpopular, it may be different, it may be unique, but it's you.
25. DFDeVon Franklin
  Wow.
26. LHLewis Howes
  And it's just true and authentic.
27. DFDeVon Franklin
  Yeah, you know.
28. LHLewis Howes
  And that's, that's what I love about you, man.
29. DFDeVon Franklin
  [laughs] Thank you, man. Likewise, man.
30. LHLewis Howes
  I, I, uh, w- uh, we've only hung out, like, three times, but I feel like I really know you. I feel like-
6:44 – 13:54
Telling the Truth and Using Peace as a Compass
1. LHLewis Howes
  So how do you know... What's the right way to date someone? Let me ask this question first. When, when you're in a relationship-
2. DFDeVon Franklin
  Yeah
3. LHLewis Howes
  ... and you say, "You know what? I'm gonna be disciplined. I'm gonna work hard at this," even when you know it's not the right fit, you've put in time, you know, six months, a year, two years, and you're like, "You know what? I'm just gonna keep going and make it better. I'm gonna try my best to, to cultivate the love," but for some reason that relationship you know deep down isn't the one.
4. DFDeVon Franklin
  Mm-hmm.
5. LHLewis Howes
  And you say goodbye to that relationship. Is that you just saying, "Well, on to the next. There's another option out there."
6. DFDeVon Franklin
  Mm-hmm.
7. LHLewis Howes
  How do you know when it is the right one?
8. DFDeVon Franklin
  Mm-hmm. Well, that's a good question. I think a couple things. One, when you're in a situation, uh, the one, the, a premise of the book as it relates to love is really we gotta start telling the truth.
9. LHLewis Howes
  Mm.
10. DFDeVon Franklin
  And a lot of times, especially in a relationship sense, it becomes a place where we tell the least truth.
11. LHLewis Howes
  You hide the truth.
12. DFDeVon Franklin
  You hide the truth.
13. LHLewis Howes
  'Cause you don't wanna hurt someone.
14. DFDeVon Franklin
  You don't wanna hurt someone. You may have feelings or thoughts. You may have things that... And also, you, sometimes in a relationship you can be afraid. If I tell the, this person the truth, it doesn't even mean the, the truth that I'm not into them. It could be like, "I'm really into you."
15. LHLewis Howes
  Mm.
16. DFDeVon Franklin
  Or it could be like, "Here are some things I'm thinking about." The question sometimes is, where the fear comes in, is judgment. If I tell this person my truth, will they judge me? Will they still like me? Will they still love me? Will they still pro- you know, be there for me?
17. LHLewis Howes
  Yeah.
18. DFDeVon Franklin
  And so a lot of times, whether you're a man or a woman in a relationship, you bring that fear into it. And so as a result, sometimes that fear works against being truthful.
19. LHLewis Howes
  Yeah.
20. DFDeVon Franklin
  So a lot of times, uh, in a relationship, you're more truthful with people outside the relationship than you are with the person in the relationship.
21. LHLewis Howes
  Telling other people outside-
22. DFDeVon Franklin
  [laughs] Totally
23. LHLewis Howes
  ... everything that's happening.
24. DFDeVon Franklin
  Everything, as you know, and you're not telling to your partner.
25. LHLewis Howes
  Oh, yeah.
26. DFDeVon Franklin
  And this is why as men and women we've gotta start communicating with one another-
27. LHLewis Howes
  Wow
28. DFDeVon Franklin
  ... instead of at one another. And so I really wanted to write this book to help foster more truth. So to the point you're bringing up, if you're in a situation where you're with somebody and you're not sure it's the right fit, here is the number one way to begin to identify if it is operating in lust or if you're operating in love, it's peace. You know? Your, our peace.
29. LHLewis Howes
  You feel peace inside.
30. DFDeVon Franklin
  That's right. Our peace is the strongest barometer. It's our compass.
13:54 – 17:45
Love, Lust and Peace in Hollywood Men
1. LHLewis Howes
  Couple things I wanna ask from this.
2. DFDeVon Franklin
  Yeah.
3. LHLewis Howes
  Um, you are a, a successful man in Hollywood. You've been married for how long now?
4. DFDeVon Franklin
  Seven years, almost.
5. LHLewis Howes
  Seven years. Two-part question. The first part is, do you know any successful men in Hollywood who are, um, not married and who have multiple partners? Do you see any of them that are successful in their career but also have that inner peace that you talked about a few minutes ago?
6. DFDeVon Franklin
  I don't see many successful men that, uh, that would live or living according to what you, how you just outlined that are, uh, that have the peace.
7. LHLewis Howes
  They might have the fun.
8. DFDeVon Franklin
  Yeah, they have, they have the fun.
9. LHLewis Howes
  All the-
10. DFDeVon Franklin
  They have the money, the position
11. LHLewis Howes
  ... all the girls.
12. DFDeVon Franklin
  All of that, but I would not say that the men that, uh, fit the description that I've been privy-
13. LHLewis Howes
  Yeah
14. DFDeVon Franklin
  ... have that peace, where there's just a sense of, of like, "Okay, you know what? I'm cool. I'm, I'm competent, I'm here. This is what it is." A lot of times, and I believe that if any man is really honest with themselves, I don't believe the more women you have, the more peace you, you get.
15. LHLewis Howes
  Right.
16. DFDeVon Franklin
  I think it actually just causes-
17. LHLewis Howes
  More chaos
18. DFDeVon Franklin
  ... more chaos. Think about it, you know? It's like as a man, at, at the end of our life, when you think about how much time you spend-
19. LHLewis Howes
  Mm-hmm
20. DFDeVon Franklin
  ... you know, with, with women, chasing women, spending money on all those things, you gotta ask yourself, "What, what do we have to show for it?"
21. LHLewis Howes
  Yeah.
22. DFDeVon Franklin
  You know? And so for me, prior to getting married, I had to ask the same question, "What do I have to show for all this?" And it wasn't like when I, um, when Megan and I started dating that I was, like, all of a sudden ready to get married. I wasn't. But what I did was, a friend of mine encouraged me, "Don't be afraid. Don't allow your fear to mess this up."
23. LHLewis Howes
  Afraid of what? Commitment.
24. DFDeVon Franklin
  Commitment.
25. LHLewis Howes
  Marriage.
26. DFDeVon Franklin
  Commitment, marriage.
27. LHLewis Howes
  Or just-
28. DFDeVon Franklin
  All of it
29. LHLewis Howes
  ... committing.
30. DFDeVon Franklin
  The unknown, you know?
17:45 – 23:09
Advice for Women: Get Out of the Gray Area
1. DFDeVon Franklin
  Now, for a woman, if you're dating a man, you've gotta get out of the gray area. You've gotta get out of the gray area.
2. LHLewis Howes
  As quick as possible, right?
3. DFDeVon Franklin
  And what does this mean? [laughs] That's right. Uh, but that gray area is the area where it, you, you are most liable, 'cause in a relationship sense, the one who has the knowledge, the most knowledge, has the most power. And a lot of times men have more power because they know what they're really serious about and what they're not, and the woman that they're dealing with does not know. That's a gray area. He may text you all the time. He may talk to you all the time. You may go out on a date. You may m- have met his parents, but never has he told you we're together.
4. LHLewis Howes
  Or he's thinking about the commitment
5. DFDeVon Franklin
  That's right
6. LHLewis Howes
  Yeah, yeah
7. DFDeVon Franklin
  And so for a woman in that situation, she's in a gray area.
8. LHLewis Howes
  Mm.
9. DFDeVon Franklin
  And I encourage her in the book, you gotta get out of the gray. You gotta ask clear, direct questions, wait for clear, direct answers so that the man that you're dealing with, you get a sense of, are you, are you dating anyone else? Are we committed? Are we exclusive? What are your plans? Where are you going? Don't be afraid to ask the questions. Because so often women, when women come to me for advice, they're afraid. "Well, what if I ask him these questions and he leaves?" Well, he was gonna leave anyway.
10. LHLewis Howes
  That's good.
11. DFDeVon Franklin
  That's great.
12. LHLewis Howes
  Right.
13. DFDeVon Franklin
  That's great.
14. LHLewis Howes
  The more, the more... I mean, here's the thing. I've, I've dated women in the past who they're almost so honest in the beginning, it's like, oh my gosh, you're like pushing me away, 'cause I'm like, "This is not where I'm at in my life." Like, you're talking about kids in the first five minutes.
15. DFDeVon Franklin
  [laughs]
16. LHLewis Howes
  I'm like, "I just wanna have fun right now."
17. DFDeVon Franklin
  Yeah, yeah.
18. LHLewis Howes
  But then there's other women who are that honest, where you're like, "Wow, I'm actually really interested in you. I'm, this is kinda scary that you're so honest."
19. DFDeVon Franklin
  Yeah.
20. LHLewis Howes
  "But I'm gonna like keep exploring because-"
21. DFDeVon Franklin
  Yeah
22. LHLewis Howes
  ... "I like you, and I'm that interested in you-"
23. DFDeVon Franklin
  Sure
24. LHLewis Howes
  ... "and I wanna learn more."
25. DFDeVon Franklin
  Yeah. No, I, I-
26. LHLewis Howes
  I think, I think the more honest you are in the beginning, maybe you don't have to say in five min- in five minutes, "I wanna have five kids."
27. DFDeVon Franklin
  [laughs]
28. LHLewis Howes
  But I think almost the more truthful you can be earlier on-
29. DFDeVon Franklin
  Yeah
30. LHLewis Howes
  ... the better, because you can start to eliminate those people or know exactly where they're gonna be at.
23:09 – 27:50
Desire in Marriage and Why Men Need Love
1. LHLewis Howes
  Now, are there any men in Holly- again, I don't want you to say names or anything, but are there any men in Hollywood that you know who've been married for a long period of time that are just so happy, they've been married for 10, 15, 20 years-
2. DFDeVon Franklin
  [laughs] Yes
3. LHLewis Howes
  ... and they're just like so happy-
4. DFDeVon Franklin
  [laughs]
5. LHLewis Howes
  ... that they, and they feel zero desire for other women? Do you know any of that?
6. DFDeVon Franklin
  Well, now hold on. I don't... I see, again, I'm gonna say something that's probably crazy-
7. LHLewis Howes
  Yeah
8. DFDeVon Franklin
  ... that most women don't wanna hear. I don't believe there's any man on this planet in a marriage that has zero desire for, for another woman.
9. LHLewis Howes
  Yeah.
10. DFDeVon Franklin
  I don't believe that.
11. LHLewis Howes
  Yeah.
12. DFDeVon Franklin
  It just becomes a question of managing that desire.
13. LHLewis Howes
  The discipline.
14. DFDeVon Franklin
  Yeah, totally.
15. LHLewis Howes
  Yeah.
16. DFDeVon Franklin
  And saying, "Yeah, there's a desire here, but whatever. You know, it is what it is. It'll pass. I love my wife. I'm not gonna do that." Boom. But in terms of Hollywood, I think that there's no exception there, but I do know men, yes, that are, that are married, that are happy-
17. LHLewis Howes
  Happily married
18. DFDeVon Franklin
  ... that are, yes, happily married, love their wives-
19. LHLewis Howes
  [laughs]
20. DFDeVon Franklin
  ... love being married. Even with all the challenges that there are and the temptations, that is not, uh, there are a lot of men that I know that are, fit that description, where that temptat- they have not fallen to temptation, no matter what desires they may have, because they love their wife, they love their life so much.
21. LHLewis Howes
  And you, and from your point of view, you think that these men- ... who've been married for 10 plus years, who've been faithful and committed, or maybe they've had some slip-ups or whatever, but they're in the marriage, they're happy, they're committed. Um, you believe that those men are more, are going to be more successful in life than men who are not married or not committed in a relationship because the people that are not committed are lacking the inner peace as much?
22. DFDeVon Franklin
  Here's what I feel. I feel like, um, you know, that going back to that battle between love and lust, right? And love being selfless. And I believe as men, uh, one of our biggest challenges is we don't know how to love.
23. LHLewis Howes
  Right.
24. DFDeVon Franklin
  Um, we don't know how to love ourselves. We don't really know how to love the women in our lives.
25. LHLewis Howes
  Mm-hmm.
26. DFDeVon Franklin
  We don't know how... 'Cause we don't know how to give love, we don't know how to receive love, and this is an area where most men struggle. Um, and it's actually the area, no matter how successful in the world or publicly a man may be, without love I do feel that that man is deficient.
27. LHLewis Howes
  Mm.
28. DFDeVon Franklin
  Because love is the name of the game. Love is what this is all about. It really is. It's what life's about. It's not about the money, it's not about the power, it's not about the fame, it's not about the success, it's about love.
29. LHLewis Howes
  Mm-hmm.
30. DFDeVon Franklin
  Period. Because at the end of the day, you can pass on to your children or pass on to the next generation money, you can pass on influence, but if you don't pass on love, those children will be deficient.
27:50 – 31:33
Suppression, Safe Spaces and Feeding Virtue
1. LHLewis Howes
  I do too. It's interesting you said that, you know, men can go through extreme heartbreak, and I think, I'm gonna generalize this, but I feel like-
2. DFDeVon Franklin
  Mm-hmm
3. LHLewis Howes
  ... men in general have not learned how to deal with their emotions.
4. DFDeVon Franklin
  Yeah.
5. LHLewis Howes
  And so when an extreme emotional attack is against us-
6. DFDeVon Franklin
  Yep
7. LHLewis Howes
  ... it's like a bomb explodes.
8. DFDeVon Franklin
  Totally.
9. LHLewis Howes
  Where it can be horrible for women, too. I mean, it can be heartbreaking.
10. DFDeVon Franklin
  Mm-hmm.
11. LHLewis Howes
  It could take a year or two to, to like recover in a, in a breakup. It could hurt really bad. But I feel like in general, women are able to express their emotions with other girlfriends more, their family members, and at least talk about their feelings.
12. DFDeVon Franklin
  Yeah.
13. LHLewis Howes
  Whereas men, they get heartbroken-
14. DFDeVon Franklin
  Unspoken
15. LHLewis Howes
  ... it could break you physically.
16. DFDeVon Franklin
  Because, because we don't talk about it.
17. LHLewis Howes
  That's it.
18. DFDeVon Franklin
  We hold it in.
19. LHLewis Howes
  That's it.
20. DFDeVon Franklin
  We suppress it.
21. LHLewis Howes
  That's it.
22. DFDeVon Franklin
  Oh, man, I talk about this in the book. You know, anything we suppress, uh, we empower. We empower it to destroy us.
23. LHLewis Howes
  Really?
24. DFDeVon Franklin
  Seriously. We, that, and that's one of the reasons why I wrote this book. We gotta start talking. We gotta start being honest. We gotta start communicating. We gotta start... And I have a whole chapter in this book called Create a Safe Space-
25. LHLewis Howes
  Mm
26. DFDeVon Franklin
  ... where we have a- at least one other person that we can talk to, that we can tell what's really going on, and we can, and we can do it without fear of judgment.
27. LHLewis Howes
  Yeah.
28. DFDeVon Franklin
  Because as men, you know, I remember my early 20s, you know, I got my heart broke, man. Oh, man.
29. LHLewis Howes
  [laughs]
30. DFDeVon Franklin
  Oh.
31:33 – 35:24
Feeling Loved, Feeling Hurt, and Gratitude
1. LHLewis Howes
  Wow. How does your wife support you in staying virtuous in your, your thoughts, your actions, your-
2. DFDeVon Franklin
  Yeah, you know-
3. LHLewis Howes
  ... your beliefs, you know?
4. DFDeVon Franklin
  I, I mean, I, I would say just her encouragement, you know? Even her encouragement to write this book. Um, you know, as I was... When I first told her, she was like, "Oh, yeah, you gotta do that," and I would read her chapters of the book and passages-
5. LHLewis Howes
  Mm-hmm
6. DFDeVon Franklin
  ... as I was writing it. And so she was just, you know, completely on board. And I was like, "Okay, cool." That really helped me, 'cause, you know, writing this book and being honest and being transparent-
7. LHLewis Howes
  [laughs]
8. DFDeVon Franklin
  ... and being vulnerable-
9. LHLewis Howes
  Mm
10. DFDeVon Franklin
  ... in front of people that I don't, may never meet, and they're gonna know all this stuff about me, that, that was hard.
11. LHLewis Howes
  Yeah.
12. DFDeVon Franklin
  But her encouragement really, really did, did a lot. And then also just that support system. You know, that support system of knowing no matter what happens in the world, I got somebody who's there with me.
13. LHLewis Howes
  Mm.
14. DFDeVon Franklin
  Uh, someone that I can come home to, and she can come home to me. And that in and of itself is very, is virtuous.
15. LHLewis Howes
  Right.
16. DFDeVon Franklin
  And that really helps lay a great foundation, um, for feeling comfortable doing everything that, that I'm called to do, and also becoming everything I'm called to be.
17. LHLewis Howes
  Mm.
18. DFDeVon Franklin
  You know, when home life is settled, it really helps feel... There's a freedom there.
19. LHLewis Howes
  Right.
20. DFDeVon Franklin
  And so I think both of us, you know, really try to give each other enough support and an environment where we both can become who we're called to be.
21. LHLewis Howes
  Mm. When do you feel the most loved?
22. DFDeVon Franklin
  Um, you know, see, you know, going back to, like, the five love languages, you know, I'm, I'm one-
23. LHLewis Howes
  [laughs]
24. DFDeVon Franklin
  ... love in action, right? I, that's, that's my thing. So I really feel the most love when I see the support, you know? And that support could be as s- as simple as, like, "Oh, babe, you know, I know you were gone, you know, but here's what I did while you were away."
25. LHLewis Howes
  Mm-hmm.
26. DFDeVon Franklin
  Just little things like that.
27. LHLewis Howes
  Yeah, yeah, yeah.
28. DFDeVon Franklin
  You know? That's when I really feel, uh, the most love. That, like, oh, okay, got it, you know? She's in it with me.
29. LHLewis Howes
  Mm-hmm.
30. DFDeVon Franklin
  We're in this together. You know, I'm not out here fighting this battle by myself. She's not out there fighting her battle by herself. But we are in it and connected, where I'm understanding, oh, got it. She's doing da, da, da, da, da. She's probably gonna need this. Let me think ahead-
35:24 – 42:31
The Hardest Part of Marriage and Communication
1. LHLewis Howes
  Nine years. Eight, eight and plus years. You know, there, I, there's always those people who say, "Gosh, these perfect couples online."
2. DFDeVon Franklin
  [laughs]
3. LHLewis Howes
  "They always have the perfect videos. They're always, like, amazing together. There's never any challenges." You know, it's the person who's not in a relationship or went through a bad divorce. They're just like, "Ugh," they just hate watching people who look perfect online.
4. DFDeVon Franklin
  [laughs] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
5. LHLewis Howes
  And they're like, "How could they be so perfect? They've gotta have some challenges."
6. DFDeVon Franklin
  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
7. LHLewis Howes
  Could you share maybe the biggest challenge you faced while being married-
8. DFDeVon Franklin
  Yeah
9. LHLewis Howes
  ... that you're, uh, open to sharing?
10. DFDeVon Franklin
  Sure, sure, yeah.
11. LHLewis Howes
  Yeah.
12. DFDeVon Franklin
  I think the big-
13. LHLewis Howes
  Uh, either as yourself or as a couple.
14. DFDeVon Franklin
  Sure. Sure, sure. You know, I think the biggest challenge of being married is, you know, you're taking these two individual entities.
15. LHLewis Howes
  Yeah. Different people.
16. DFDeVon Franklin
  Different people, different thoughts, different expectations, different experiences, different realities, and you're consistently, constantly trying to merge the two into one, and that- Is one of the hardest experiences in life
17. LHLewis Howes
  Mm
18. DFDeVon Franklin
  Period. You know, even in, in physics when two atoms come together, there's, there's fusion, there's, there's tension, there's heat, there's friction.
19. LHLewis Howes
  Pressure, yeah.
20. DFDeVon Franklin
  There's pressure, there's conflict, and it's the same thing when two people are coming together. So in marriage, you know, it's that same thing of that consistent negotiation of like, okay, my thoughts versus sometimes her thoughts versus our thoughts, and what's good for us, what's good for the marriage, what's just good for me, what's good for her? So there's this consistent dialogue and, and debate and dance around trying to find the sweet spot.
21. LHLewis Howes
  Mm.
22. DFDeVon Franklin
  And I think that's one of the beauties of marriage, is that it's constantly challenging, uh, us to become our best self, and to expand who we think we are.
23. LHLewis Howes
  Right.
24. DFDeVon Franklin
  You know, marriage is really about compromise and, and okay, how do we find the common ground here, and where is that? And also as a man leading in love, you know, one of the challenges sometimes in leading in love is like, man, okay, I wanna say this, but I, you know what? I, ugh, it's not, I shouldn't say that. Right? Okay, how do I s- how do I get my intention across in love? And that is hard. So I would say one of the cha- h- hardest things in marriage is just the coexisting. You know? And, and, and-
25. LHLewis Howes
  Living together [laughs]
26. DFDeVon Franklin
  Living together. And, and, and, and also it's like finding that common ground of the things that she wants to do, the things that I want to do, and the things that we then commit to do together.
27. LHLewis Howes
  Mm.
28. DFDeVon Franklin
  And, uh, there's no rule book on how to do it.
29. LHLewis Howes
  Right.
30. DFDeVon Franklin
  Um, but this is where the love comes in. And so like even when people see us on social media, you know, like, oh man, I think what you're seeing is even in the midst of the challenges, you're seeing the reality of what's really there. Which is, oh, these are two people that genuinely love each other.
42:31 – 45:24
Persona Versus Person and Truths Still Hidden
1. LHLewis Howes
  You've been sharing a lot more truth in this, and it sounds like a lot more with your wife-
2. DFDeVon Franklin
  Yeah
3. LHLewis Howes
  ... recently in the last year with this book being out and working on this. Is there any truth that you have yet to share with yourself personally?
4. DFDeVon Franklin
  Hmm.
5. LHLewis Howes
  To, to your wife?
6. DFDeVon Franklin
  Yeah.
7. LHLewis Howes
  With the world? With your brothers?
8. DFDeVon Franklin
  Sure. You know, I think that, uh-
9. LHLewis Howes
  Or that you need to share more of.
10. DFDeVon Franklin
  Yeah, yeah. I think that that's a, a question that's evolving.
11. LHLewis Howes
  Hmm.
12. DFDeVon Franklin
  You know, I think that there's always truth in us that we aren't always aware until certain circumstances come up and you're like, "Oh-"
13. LHLewis Howes
  Hmm.
14. DFDeVon Franklin
  "... wait a minute. Hmm, I didn't know that was there. I didn't know that feeling was there." You know, so in this moment I feel pretty resolved around my truth.
15. LHLewis Howes
  Right.
16. DFDeVon Franklin
  However, I don't let that produce an arrogance, that, "Oh, yeah, I'm owning my truth. I'm fine." No, no, no. Something could happen right after I leave this interview and I realize, holy crap, there's some, there's some truth in me that I didn't even... I wasn't even aware of. There's some stuff I gotta be honest about. Wow, I didn't know that feeling was still there. So I, I say with an asterisk that-
17. LHLewis Howes
  Mm-hmm
18. DFDeVon Franklin
  ... in the, in this moment I'm owning my truth, but I have to be in touch and sensitive to each moment.
19. LHLewis Howes
  Wow.
20. DFDeVon Franklin
  Because I think so often, especially as, you know, men in the public eye to a degree, you know, there's a tendency to s- to wanna portray we have it all together.
21. LHLewis Howes
  Mm-hmm.
22. DFDeVon Franklin
  Or portray that we have it all figured out, and that's one of the reasons why I wrote this book, is to dispel that. I don't have it figured out, right? I, I don't. I work on it every day. I struggle between love and lust.
23. LHLewis Howes
  Hmm.
24. DFDeVon Franklin
  And I do my best to become the man that I really wanna be and lead in love, and that's a struggle at times, it's a challenge at times, but I'm committed to the work because the work is fulfilling.
25. LHLewis Howes
  Yeah.
26. DFDeVon Franklin
  But I wanted to, in this book, really close the distance between a persona and a person, right? 'Cause a lotta times when we're trying to portray this image, it gets exhausting, because the persona isn't really who the person is.
27. LHLewis Howes
  Right.
28. DFDeVon Franklin
  So with this book, it's like, okay, let me bridge the gap. So here's who I am as a person, here's who people may think of me as a persona, and here's, here's the reality, so that there's not a distance between the two, as much as humanly possible. And as part of walking that journey, I think we all have to be open to there are certain things that we have gone through in life, there are certain things that are still buried in our subconscious that we aren't even aware of. There's pain, there's trauma, there's tragedy we all have gone through, and we compartmentalize some things, we pack some things away, and we do our best to operate with the consciousness that we have. But at any given moment, something can trigger us, and we're like, "I didn't know I was still ho- harboring that hurt from my mother-
29. LHLewis Howes
  Yeah
30. DFDeVon Franklin
  ... or that pain from my dad," or whatever it may be. So that's a long answer to your question.
45:24 – 54:12
Losing His Father and Healing the Internal Wound
1. LHLewis Howes
  You mentioned trauma. What's the, uh, what's the tr- the biggest trauma you've had in your life that has taken you the longest to heal-
2. DFDeVon Franklin
  Mm
3. LHLewis Howes
  ... but also defined who you are in a positive way at the same time?
4. DFDeVon Franklin
  Sure, sure.
5. LHLewis Howes
  Like, has driven you to be-
6. DFDeVon Franklin
  Yeah, yeah
7. LHLewis Howes
  ... the man that you are in a positive way-
8. DFDeVon Franklin
  Yeah, mm-hmm
9. LHLewis Howes
  ... but also driven you into darkness and taken the longest to heal?
10. DFDeVon Franklin
  Sure. Man, you know, I would say it's the, it's the loss of my father. And you know, that-
11. LHLewis Howes
  'Cause you were young when that happened, right?
12. DFDeVon Franklin
  Yeah, I was nine years old. Man, I mean, you know, that was the most, uh... It was just traumatic, you know? I mean, it was... I mean, I remember my mother, you know, walking me and my brothers, uh, into the morgue at the hospital. Uh-
13. LHLewis Howes
  Wow.
14. DFDeVon Franklin
  Yeah. And there was my dad, you know?
15. LHLewis Howes
  You saw him on the-
16. DFDeVon Franklin
  Oh, yeah
17. LHLewis Howes
  ... the morgue.
18. DFDeVon Franklin
  She, she asked us to go kiss him goodbye.
19. LHLewis Howes
  No way.
20. DFDeVon Franklin
  Dude.
21. LHLewis Howes
  That's heavy.
22. DFDeVon Franklin
  Dude, I reme- I-
23. LHLewis Howes
  As a nine-year-old?
24. DFDeVon Franklin
  Nine... I was nine, my older brother was 12, and my, um, my younger brother was, uh, six years old, and she said, "Go kiss your father goodbye." And I, I mean, I will never forget kissing his forehead, and it was the coldest-
25. LHLewis Howes
  Oh my gosh.
26. DFDeVon Franklin
  Dude, it's like you've never... You, y- you don't know cold. You don't know cold until you have experienced that with, uh, someone that's passed away. So that, that, that... And it wasn't that that moment itself was traumatic, it was the, the realization that he's gone. He's not coming back. Like, this is not like, oh, you know, maybe things will turn around. Like, it's, it's over, so, you know, make your peace with this, because this is not gonna change. So that trauma, for me, I think, uh, you know, dr- has driven me, you know? It's driven me in many different ways, some positive, some negative, you know? I think in, in the, on the negative side, I think what it has done is, like, it's really, it's always put me on a path that, you know, I gotta prove something. You know, I gotta prove something. I gotta show, you know, that either I'm not him or... In, in that he was a great man, but he had his flaws. You know, he was an alcoholic. I even talk about in the book how I found out, uh, in my teenage years he had an affair on my mother and all these things. So, you know, he was great, but he was flawed. And, uh, and so sometimes I'm driven to, like, prove that I'm not him, you know? I'm also driven to prove something. Like, okay, I'm gonna make something of my life. And sometimes when that becomes your driver, you operate in lust.
27. LHLewis Howes
  Hmm.
28. DFDeVon Franklin
  You know? Because lust is more than just sex or women, you know? Lust can be power, lust can be fame, lust can be success. Uh, you know, and so sometimes I found myself being driven by those things to prove myself to an imaginary person. Who do I have to prove myself to? Who? Outside of, uh, you know, the person who looks back at me in the mirror and God, who do I have to prove anything to? But I think losing my dad and that trauma, you know, really put me kind of, even in my teenage years, a rebel in reverse, you know? I wasn't rebelling in a way where I was out drinking and partying. I was rebelling through achievement.
29. LHLewis Howes
  Hmm.
30. DFDeVon Franklin
  And trying to find my value in achievement. And what I discovered, and what I discover, is that any time, as a man or a woman, when we have an internal hole, a pain, a trauma, and we're trying to find something external to heal it, doesn't work. Doesn't work, 'cause what's internal has to be healed internally. So any time I have this internal pain and I'm trying to, I'm trying to find my value in how I do and what I do-
54:12 – 55:56
What Women Should Know About Dating a Man Who Lost His Father
1. LHLewis Howes
  Wow. What should women know about dating a man who's lost their father?
2. DFDeVon Franklin
  Um, I, I would say a wom- a woman, um, dating a man that lost his father, and I talk about this in the book, that it's important to know that, uh, to go beneath the surface, and here's what I mean by that. If you're dealing with a man in that situation, or some men that are not in that situation, go beyond, "How are you doing?" "Oh, I'm good." Hmm.
3. LHLewis Howes
  Hmm.
4. DFDeVon Franklin
  Because so often, when you have a wound, the thing that you try to do is hide it. I don't want the person that, to, that I'm with to know I'm in as much pain as I am. So I want to present an image of I got it all together.
5. LHLewis Howes
  Yeah.
6. DFDeVon Franklin
  I'm good, I'm cool, I'm calm, I'm collected, I'm successful. Nothing phases me. It's just not true. So I would encourage any woman to go beyond, "How are you doing?" "Oh, I'm fine." No, no, no, ask that man, "What's worrying you right now? What, what are, what are, what are you anxious about? What are you, what are you afraid of right now? What are the things that are, that are maybe making you a little insecure right now?"
7. LHLewis Howes
  Hmm.
8. DFDeVon Franklin
  When you start asking those questions, then you start to get to the heart of the matter.
9. LHLewis Howes
  Wow.
10. DFDeVon Franklin
  And what begins to happen is that man starts to feel more connected to you than he might any other woman, because most women are not asking those questions. They're not going beyond the surface. "Oh, he's good. I think great. You're good. Great. So what are we gonna do tonight?"
11. LHLewis Howes
  Right.
12. DFDeVon Franklin
  "Oh, where... What's our date tonight?"
13. LHLewis Howes
  Yeah.
14. DFDeVon Franklin
  "Yeah, cool, we can go to d- we can go on a date," but I wanna know how are you really doing?
15. LHLewis Howes
  Hmm.
16. DFDeVon Franklin
  What's going on on the inside? I think that's some truth, and those are some things that a woman can do, especially with someone who's lost their father.
17. LHLewis Howes
  Yeah.
18. DFDeVon Franklin
  Or the father's not around.
19. LHLewis Howes
  Right.
20. DFDeVon Franklin
  And I would, I would argue that those are tips just, just good in general.
21. LHLewis Howes
  In general. Yeah, those are great.
22. DFDeVon Franklin
  Yeah, that could be anybody.
23. LHLewis Howes
  Yeah, those are great.
24. DFDeVon Franklin
  Yeah.
55:56 – 1:00:32
Daily Habits and the One-Degree Drift
1. LHLewis Howes
  What does the... I wanna ask a few more questions. Um, what's the process, if you could do these things every single day in your marriage-
2. DFDeVon Franklin
  Yeah
3. LHLewis Howes
  ... or in a relationship, to continue to make it thriving and growing?
4. DFDeVon Franklin
  Yeah.
5. LHLewis Howes
  What would be the few things every day that would be non-negotiable for you?
6. DFDeVon Franklin
  [laughs]
7. LHLewis Howes
  That you're like, "I know that when I do these things, it's better."
8. DFDeVon Franklin
  Yeah.
9. LHLewis Howes
  And sometimes I forget, or maybe you do it every day.
10. DFDeVon Franklin
  Yeah.
11. LHLewis Howes
  But what are those things that you think if people did these things every single day in a relationship, both sides, it would thrive?
12. DFDeVon Franklin
  Yeah.
13. LHLewis Howes
  Or suppo- support the cultivation. Yeah.
14. DFDeVon Franklin
  Yeah, I think, I think first and foremost, you know, start the day in love. You know? And what, and really all that means, you know, like, let's just say if you're in a dating sense, let's say you're not living together. You know, communicating your love and your appreciation to that person when you start the day. "Hey, babe, just wanna let you know I'm thinking about you. Just woke up, I want you to have an amazing day." Just-
15. LHLewis Howes
  Something simple
16. DFDeVon Franklin
  ... just something simple. Just something simple, where you communicate like, yo, you know, or here's a thought for the day, you know, or here's an affirmation I just read I want you to have.
17. LHLewis Howes
  Hmm.
18. DFDeVon Franklin
  Here's a scripture.
19. LHLewis Howes
  Hmm.
20. DFDeVon Franklin
  Something where you are communicating your desire for their wellbeing.
21. LHLewis Howes
  Wow.
22. DFDeVon Franklin
  That, oh my goodness.
23. LHLewis Howes
  Powerful.
24. DFDeVon Franklin
  Oh, yeah. It's c- 'cause, 'cause it's like, well, oh my goodness, I, w- I, I, uh-
25. LHLewis Howes
  They got my back
26. DFDeVon Franklin
  ... why I can't get this? They got my back.
27. LHLewis Howes
  Yeah.
28. DFDeVon Franklin
  They got my back. They're thinking about me in a way that is... it goes beyond anything that anyone's ever done. So just, just something that small.
29. LHLewis Howes
  In the morning.
30. DFDeVon Franklin
  In the morning. Start the day letting that person know how much you love and appreciate them.
1:00:32 – 1:05:02
Calling Out the King and Keeping Your Standards
1. LHLewis Howes
  Wow. What about a woman who's dating a man who knows could be a great man in a relationship, but maybe they're living in fear, they're not fully sharing their truth.
2. DFDeVon Franklin
  Yeah.
3. LHLewis Howes
  They're doing things that are a little all over the place.
4. DFDeVon Franklin
  Sure.
5. LHLewis Howes
  They're a little messy.
6. DFDeVon Franklin
  Yeah.
7. LHLewis Howes
  They're still acting like a boy.
8. DFDeVon Franklin
  Yeah, yeah.
9. LHLewis Howes
  They're not coming, becoming a full man yet.
10. DFDeVon Franklin
  Yes.
11. LHLewis Howes
  But they know, man, this guy has great potential-
12. DFDeVon Franklin
  Yeah
13. LHLewis Howes
  ... to be this incredible partner, this great loving father, this thriving man in, in, in society. Is there anything a woman can do to call that man forth-
14. DFDeVon Franklin
  Mm-hmm
15. LHLewis Howes
  ... to being more of a man?
16. DFDeVon Franklin
  Uh.
17. LHLewis Howes
  Or does it have to be the man's decision to say, "Okay, I'm ready to step up"?
18. DFDeVon Franklin
  Okay, so this is good. I talk about this in the book. Um, so I use an, and I use a anecdote, um, the, and that to articulate the answer to this question, which is so there was a great preacher, old preacher, that said, "In every man there's a king and a fool."
19. LHLewis Howes
  Yeah.
20. DFDeVon Franklin
  And, uh-
21. LHLewis Howes
  Terry Crews talked about this on my show-
22. DFDeVon Franklin
  Oh, did he?
23. LHLewis Howes
  ... a few months ago, yeah.
24. DFDeVon Franklin
  Oh, good, good, good. I love it.
25. LHLewis Howes
  You're probably gonna tell a story better [laughs] .
26. DFDeVon Franklin
  Uh, well, no, I mean, this is just a quick anecdote. I don't know-
27. LHLewis Howes
  Yeah, yeah
28. DFDeVon Franklin
  ... I don't know how extensive he went.
29. LHLewis Howes
  Yeah.
30. DFDeVon Franklin
  But, um, uh, he's, and this, this preacher said that, uh, his wife, whenever he would act the fool, she would talk to the king. And she said, and he said what that did was it helped him put aside his foolish ways.
1:05:02 – 1:08:55
Three Truths, Acknowledgment and Definition of Greatness
1. LHLewis Howes
  This is powerful, man. We'll have to have you come back on soon and, and talk more about relationships, 'cause-
2. DFDeVon Franklin
  [laughs] I'd love to
3. LHLewis Howes
  ... we're just getting started, just getting started here. But, uh, this question is called the three truths. I think I asked it to you last time.
4. DFDeVon Franklin
  Okay.
5. LHLewis Howes
  But we'll see if it's changed.
6. DFDeVon Franklin
  Oh, boy.
7. LHLewis Howes
  Uh, so imagine you've achieved everything you want in your life-
8. DFDeVon Franklin
  Yes
9. LHLewis Howes
  ... for the next 100, 200 years. You're around for as long as you want.
10. DFDeVon Franklin
  [laughs]
11. LHLewis Howes
  But then one day you gotta say, "All right. It's time for me to go-"
12. DFDeVon Franklin
  Yeah
13. LHLewis Howes
  ... "from this physical body," right?
14. DFDeVon Franklin
  Okay, okay.
15. LHLewis Howes
  And you've created all the books, the movies. You've done everything you can imagine.
16. DFDeVon Franklin
  Yeah.
17. LHLewis Howes
  Any dream, it's come true.
18. DFDeVon Franklin
  Mm-hmm.
19. LHLewis Howes
  The most beautiful family, marriage, everything.
20. DFDeVon Franklin
  Mm-hmm.
21. LHLewis Howes
  But for whatever reason, you gotta take all your work with you when you go.
22. DFDeVon Franklin
  Okay.
23. LHLewis Howes
  So your message isn't in the world physically anymore.
24. DFDeVon Franklin
  Yes.
25. LHLewis Howes
  But you get to write down on a piece of paper three things you know to be true about your entire life's experience, these lessons that you know to be so true that you would wanna pass on to the world.
26. DFDeVon Franklin
  Mm-hmm.
27. LHLewis Howes
  And this is all the world would have to be reminded of you.
28. DFDeVon Franklin
  Mm-hmm.
29. LHLewis Howes
  Except for their memory of you.
30. DFDeVon Franklin
  Mm-hmm.