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Lewis HowesThis DRIVES MEN WILD! - Do This To Get Him To COMMIT To You |Matthew Hussey
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Chapter summaries
The Ready for Love Show and What It Taught Matthew
Lewis recalls hearing about Matthew through the NBC show Ready for Love, which was cancelled after three episodes. Matthew describes it as a year-long lottery ticket that failed to pay off but still opened doors like the Today Show and radio, and forced him to build his business systems.
- •The show was prime time, reportedly had a roughly $50 million budget, and was pulled after three episodes
- •Matthew compares it to investing a year in a lottery ticket
- •Exposure to key decision makers led to being a resident expert on the Today Show and having his own radio show
- •Years of building his website and back end put him in a better position than the other coaches
- •Getting ready for something that never happened left his business stronger than ever
Moving to America and Building Live Events
Matthew explains his lifelong wish to live in America, sparked by a childhood trip to Florida, and how he began bringing seminars there even at a loss. He then describes his Get The Guy events, from one-day shows of up to 1,500 women to five-day retreats.
- •A trip to Florida at 12 or 13 made him want to live in America
- •His first American seminar lost money, but it let him say he was going for work
- •Around 100,000 women have attended his live events
- •One-day events range from about 300 to 1,500 people
- •Five-day retreats have about 250 people and are more immersive
Integrity in the Self-Help and Dating Space
Lewis explains his distrust of marketers in the dating space and why Matthew's logical, sound advice changed his mind. Matthew criticizes the self-help industry for vague platitudes like "be yourself" and for cynicism at the other extreme, saying he aims for realism and practical empowerment.
- •Lewis dislikes sleazy courses and marketing in the dating space
- •Matthew finds self-help platitudinous and dislikes pseudo-science like the law of attraction
- •"Be yourself" is lazy advice and often a euphemism for not growing
- •The other extreme is the cynical comedian who says nothing can change
- •He bases his advice on realism and being empowered to act
Credibility and Why Women Must Make It Easier for Men
Lewis questions why women should trust a young, single man for advice. Matthew says being a man gives him no special credibility, but he coached nearly 10,000 men and drew on his own fear of approaching women. He argues even the guys women want are nervous, so women should make approaching them easier.
- •Being a man gives no extra credibility, since not all men or women are alike
- •He began coaching women because they asked, after he coached nearly 10,000 men
- •Books telling women a man who's interested would already be approaching defied what he saw
- •He was terrified of approaching women himself despite being a gentleman
- •Only the same 5-10% of men approach everyone, and most men don't want to seem sleazy
Dropping the Handkerchief: Practical Ways to Open a Conversation
Matthew offers the handkerchief metaphor for how women can create an opening without reversing roles. He gives concrete examples, including asking for a small favor, guessing jobs by clothing, and stating the obvious, and explains the psychology of favors.
- •Women once dropped a handkerchief so the man could pick it up and feel he'd chosen her
- •Studies on favors suggest we like people we help, provided the favor is easy
- •Men's provide-and-protect instincts make "I could really use your help with something" effective
- •A game of guessing jobs from clothes gives a group of guys an easy conversation
- •Saying the obvious, like "it's so busy in here," really means "it's okay to talk to me"
Close the Gap, Then Recreate Space
Matthew warns that women who start a conversation often stay too long. He describes an LA encounter where three women stood facing him and his friends with no sign of leaving, and explains why stepping back lets the man observe, miss them, and choose them.
- •Closing the gap gives a man the chance to hit on you
- •Body language that says "I'm not going anywhere" makes people nervous
- •Recreating space after a minute lets him observe you and miss you
- •When he comes back, he is choosing to be there, so she feels chosen
- •This balances the woman choosing first with giving him room to choose her
The Biggest Mistake: Entitlement and Lacking Competence
Asked about the biggest dating mistake, Matthew points to a sense of entitlement, the idea that love shouldn't take effort. He says confidence isn't enough and people need competence, and he answers critics who say techniques are unnecessary.
- •Many people feel owed the love of their life without having to do anything
- •He cites the Bridget Jones line about being loved exactly as you are
- •He welcomes the criticism that his methods are unnecessary and says those people aren't his audience
- •His audience is like people who attend business seminars to learn what they're doing
- •It's not enough to have confidence; you need competence
The Breakup Lesson: Unique Pairings and Over-Trained Strengths
Matthew tells the story of asking an ex why they broke up and hearing "you were boring." From it he develops the idea that one quality attracts but can't hold someone, and that combining qualities, the "unique pairing," makes someone addictive rather than merely attractive.
- •His ex said he was ambitious but one-dimensional and always talking shop
- •One quality can attract but will not hold someone
- •Christopher Hitchens's idea of not letting strengths negate themselves, and the gym analogy of the weakest link
- •A cocky, teasing man who is also a gentleman is a unique pairing, and it's the "and" that matters
- •Unique pairings explain why some exes are hard to get over and make you a rare bird
Why Divorce Is So Common: Love Versus Desire
Lewis raises divorce rates and his own fears of long-term commitment. Matthew cites less stigma and greater entitlement, then draws on Esther Perel's distinction between love, which wants closeness, and desire, which needs space and mystery.
- •Lewis says most of his relationships last about a year before he gets bored or scared
- •Less stigma around divorce and a stronger sense of entitlement are two reasons Matthew gives
- •Esther Perel distinguishes love (merging) from desire (the space between two people)
- •Many relationships end from lack of desire rather than lack of love
- •People often don't have a healthy view of what a long-term relationship requires
Keeping Desire Alive: Seeing with New Eyes and Spending Time Apart
Matthew uses a Proust quote and a Today Show question from a man whose kids had left for university to explain how couples can stay fresh. He recommends growing and evolving, and even spending time apart, so there is something new to discover. Lewis flags monogamy and marriage as topics for a future conversation.
- •Proust's idea of discovery as seeing with new eyes applies to long relationships
- •Developing new skills keeps a partner guessing and sparks attraction again
- •Matthew suggested the Today Show caller and his wife take separate holidays and tell each other about them
- •Believing you know your partner completely is an illusion and is deadly to the relationship
- •Lewis wants to cover monogamy and what marriage is for next time, and Matthew is unsure it will work for him
Gratitude and the Thin End of the Wedge
Matthew calls himself a guy who likes to talk about people rather than an expert. He says he is grateful to have applied for his green card, a dream almost two decades old, and advises doing the smallest possible thing toward a bigger dream.
- •Matthew cringes at the label "relationship expert"
- •He recently applied for his green card after nearly two decades of dreaming of America
- •His first seminar for five people at a loss started the domino effect
- •He advises driving in the thin end of the wedge by doing the smallest possible thing toward your dream
Three Truths: Be Kind, Know You Don't Know Enough, Enjoy Your Path
Lewis asks what three truths Matthew would write down at the end of his life. He answers: be kind, always assume you don't know enough, and enjoy the path you're on rather than obsessing over the ones you didn't take.
- •Be kind, echoing the line "Kindness is magic" from the show Derek
- •Always assume you don't know enough, after a friend was disappointed he hadn't been reading
- •Never trust someone who claims to know everything
- •Time is too short to live every possible life, so enjoy the path you took
Acknowledgment, Resources, and Defining Greatness
Lewis acknowledges Matthew's ambition and humility, and Matthew points listeners to his free 9texts.com guide for women and his YouTube channel for everyone. He defines greatness as continuing to strive to be better and looking up at those who know more rather than down.
- •Lewis acknowledges Matthew's ambition and his humility in teaching
- •The free guide at 9texts.com offers nine texts for women, for new connections, relationships, or a guy who has gone cold
- •Guys can watch his YouTube channel, Get the Guy Team, since the content is useful on a human level
- •Greatness is continuing to strive to know more and looking up, not down
