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This DRIVES MEN WILD! - Do This To Get Him To COMMIT To You |Matthew Hussey

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Lewis HoweshostMatthew Husseyguest

Jun 15, 20151h 5mWatch on YouTube

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Transcript

70 min read · 14,016 words

0:00 – 0:05
Intro
1. LHLewis Howes
  [upbeat music]
0:05 – 5:57
The Ready for Love Show and What It Taught Matthew
1. LHLewis Howes
  Welcome back to the School of Greatness everyone. Thank you guys so much for tuning in today. We've got a new friend on, Matthew Hussey. What's up, brother?
2. MHMatthew Hussey
  Hello.
3. LHLewis Howes
  Good to see you, man.
4. MHMatthew Hussey
  Hi. Thanks for having me.
5. LHLewis Howes
  I'm excited about this.
6. MHMatthew Hussey
  I am too, actually. Yeah, you've, you've interviewed some big people, so I feel very honored-
7. LHLewis Howes
  [laughs]
8. MHMatthew Hussey
  ... to be here.
9. LHLewis Howes
  Well, you're another one of the big people. So I first heard about you because, and we, we connected a few weeks ago and talked about this, but I first heard about you because you were on a show called Ready for Love.
10. MHMatthew Hussey
  Mm.
11. LHLewis Howes
  And I was being aggressively, uh, recruited to be one of the, quote, unquote, "bachelors" on the show as well. And I remember having been so torn about this because the, the producers and the casting directors were like, "Eva Longoria wants you. This is gonna be a huge show. It's gonna be bigger than The Bachelor." And I was so torn 'cause I was like this could be great for my business, but I don't want to be that guy who was a bachelor type, because none of those guys have done anything in their career afterwards, except for maybe one or two have, like, kind of done well. And I remember watching the show when it came out, 'cause it was just promoted everywhere.
12. MHMatthew Hussey
  Mm.
13. LHLewis Howes
  Buses, planes, you know, everywhere you could go it was just promoted. And I was like, "Who is this guy?" You were the only guy on the show who's coaching these women, and there was two other, like, relationship coaches, right?
14. MHMatthew Hussey
  Yeah, yeah.
15. LHLewis Howes
  And, um, I remember thinking to myself, "Man, this could be big." But then after the third episode, it, it went under and they stopped it.
16. MHMatthew Hussey
  Yep.
17. LHLewis Howes
  And I was like, thank God I didn't have to make a decision to do, like, the next, the next, uh, season.
18. MHMatthew Hussey
  Yeah.
19. LHLewis Howes
  But man, that was a-
20. MHMatthew Hussey
  It, it was a-
21. LHLewis Howes
  ... that was a heartbreak for you 'cause you did so much time and energy in building this, you know.
22. MHMatthew Hussey
  It was. It was. It was a, it was a very grueling year-
23. LHLewis Howes
  Yeah
24. MHMatthew Hussey
  ... doing that show.
25. LHLewis Howes
  Yeah.
26. MHMatthew Hussey
  And it was kind of a, it was an example of something that, you know, I feel like in life there are things that you invest time in that you know will pay off tomorrow-
27. LHLewis Howes
  Mm. Right
28. MHMatthew Hussey
  ... or tonight or whatever, you know. Whatever that project is. Sometimes it's writing an essay, and you know by writing it you'll be able to hand it in tomorrow. Or it's making a sales call and-
29. LHLewis Howes
  Yeah
30. MHMatthew Hussey
  ... you know that you'll get commission by next week. This was like, uh, uh, it was like buying a lottery ticket, but then investing a year into that lottery ticket-
5:57 – 10:21
Moving to America and Building Live Events
1. LHLewis Howes
  And I read online, correct me if I'm wrong, that you've, uh- Over 50,000 women have attended your live events. Is that-
2. MHMatthew Hussey
  Yeah, you know what? I, that number's now out of date. It's now closer to 100,000.
3. LHLewis Howes
  Wow.
4. MHMatthew Hussey
  So yeah.
5. LHLewis Howes
  So you do live events all over the world or, or how is this?
6. MHMatthew Hussey
  We, we started in London and, and those grew and grew, and we started doing them in a couple of different places in Europe, but mostly the UK.
7. LHLewis Howes
  Yeah.
8. MHMatthew Hussey
  And then it was my dream to do a seminar in America. Truthfully, it was my dream to come to America.
9. LHLewis Howes
  [laughs]
10. MHMatthew Hussey
  Uh, I, I, you know, I've, I ... Since I think 13 years old, I really wanted to live here.
11. LHLewis Howes
  Wow.
12. MHMatthew Hussey
  And-
13. LHLewis Howes
  Have you ever visited?
14. MHMatthew Hussey
  Um, I had visited [laughs] this, this is the funny ... I'm embarrassed about this now, but when I was, when I was that age, 12, 13, my parents brought me to America for the first time and took me to Florida. And I remember-
15. LHLewis Howes
  Disney World.
16. MHMatthew Hussey
  Yeah, exactly.
17. LHLewis Howes
  [laughs]
18. MHMatthew Hussey
  The whole, the whole, the whole thing. And I remember it was the first time I'd ever been somewhere where someone said, you know, at the end of a phone call, like, "Have a great day," or someone actually spoke to you or ... And I, I just remember ... And of course at the ti- at the time, you know, I've didn't put two and two together that I'm in Disney World, everyone's trying to get a tip, everyone's being paid-
19. LHLewis Howes
  Yeah
20. MHMatthew Hussey
  ... to be super nice-
21. LHLewis Howes
  Sure, sure
22. MHMatthew Hussey
  ... and tell you to have a magical day.
23. LHLewis Howes
  Right, right.
24. MHMatthew Hussey
  Whatever, but, but it did so-
25. LHLewis Howes
  But that's s- that's kinda like that in a lot of places in America though.
26. MHMatthew Hussey
  It, it is. It is. And it did something to me because I, it was so different from what I'd grown up with-
27. LHLewis Howes
  And London is-
28. MHMatthew Hussey
  ... in London
29. LHLewis Howes
  ... and England is not like that.
30. MHMatthew Hussey
  No.
10:21 – 15:36
Integrity in the Self-Help and Dating Space
1. LHLewis Howes
  Because there's so many guys out there who just leave a bad taste in your mouth.
2. MHMatthew Hussey
  But don't you feel like that about self-help in general?
3. LHLewis Howes
  Yeah, maybe, yeah.
4. MHMatthew Hussey
  I sort of do.
5. LHLewis Howes
  Maybe, but to, I mean-
6. MHMatthew Hussey
  I've learnt to hate it. [laughs]
7. LHLewis Howes
  Maybe people say that about me too, right?
8. MHMatthew Hussey
  [laughs]
9. LHLewis Howes
  They're like, "Oh, who is this guy preaching something?" Um, but I, uh, you know ... But I just feel like I, I've, I've got a bad taste in my mouth, especially being in LA-
10. MHMatthew Hussey
  Mm
11. LHLewis Howes
  ... 'cause I've met a bunch of guys who have sleazy courses, and they do the online marketing thing in my opinion in a way that isn't of the highest integrity.
12. MHMatthew Hussey
  Mm.
13. LHLewis Howes
  Now, I'm not saying I'm always, you know, I'm the most perfect person in the world-
14. MHMatthew Hussey
  Sure
15. LHLewis Howes
  ... with everything I do, because I know I make mistakes, but when you're intentionally doing something that's like, I don't know, it's just got a bad taste in my mouth-
16. MHMatthew Hussey
  Mm
17. LHLewis Howes
  ... in the, the, the dating space for some reason, a lot of the marketers.
18. MHMatthew Hussey
  Yeah.
19. LHLewis Howes
  And, and I remember, and I remember seeing your stuff the first time and thinking, "Oh, this guy's doing it right, but I don't know if I trust him yet." And someone introduced us via email, and I was kinda like, "Yeah, I don't know if I wanna meet this guy."
20. MHMatthew Hussey
  [laughs]
21. LHLewis Howes
  Because honestly, the dating space, whatever, but then he was like, "You know, he's actually a really good guy. You're gonna love his stuff." And then when I met you I was like, "Oh, I get it."
22. MHMatthew Hussey
  Right.
23. LHLewis Howes
  Now I know why 100,000 women-
24. MHMatthew Hussey
  Right
25. LHLewis Howes
  ... come to your stuff. Now I know why you're on the Today Show all the time.
26. MHMatthew Hussey
  Oh, thank you.
27. LHLewis Howes
  Now I know why you're getting the results. And then I was like, "Let me watch some of his videos." And I'm gonna link up a bunch of your videos here in the show notes for people, but I started watching your videos and I was like, "Wow, okay, it makes a lot of sense," because you're doing it with integrity-
28. MHMatthew Hussey
  Mm
29. LHLewis Howes
  ... and you actually have a lot of sound advice and wisdom for women, and I see you're helping a lot of, millions of people you're helping. And the cool thing about you is, you know, I was actually listening to a video last night for like an hour of you, like, it was like the three dating advice tips or something of you speaking in, in a seminar-
30. MHMatthew Hussey
  Right
15:36 – 22:03
Credibility and Why Women Must Make It Easier for Men
1. LHLewis Howes
  So what I'm curious about is how, uh, why is it you have the cre- credibility to give so many women advice? Uh, you're only 27, right?
2. MHMatthew Hussey
  Mm.
3. LHLewis Howes
  And why should they listen to you when, you know, you're a man?
4. MHMatthew Hussey
  Yeah.
5. LHLewis Howes
  Should they even trust you? Uh, you know, you're not married, right?
6. MHMatthew Hussey
  No, no.
7. LHLewis Howes
  And you're currently single, I believe, right?
8. MHMatthew Hussey
  Single.
9. LHLewis Howes
  So why should they believe what you're saying has, you know-
10. MHMatthew Hussey
  Well-
11. LHLewis Howes
  ... validity?
12. MHMatthew Hussey
  Um, firstly that you're, you're right in the sense that being a man gives me no extra credibility-
13. LHLewis Howes
  Mm
14. MHMatthew Hussey
  ... whatsoever. I, I, I always cringe when a journalist says to me, "Well, you, this is so great 'cause you're a guy, so you can give them insight into guys." Think, what a stupid argument that is.
15. LHLewis Howes
  [laughs]
16. MHMatthew Hussey
  It's like saying, "You're a woman, so you know all women."
17. LHLewis Howes
  Right, right.
18. MHMatthew Hussey
  Why, how many women are exactly the same?
19. LHLewis Howes
  Yeah, yeah.
20. MHMatthew Hussey
  You know, how many women g- do you get in a room and they agree on everything? The, the, the, the same is true of men. I'm not, I don't, I'm not here to speak on behalf of all men.
21. LHLewis Howes
  Sure.
22. MHMatthew Hussey
  Um, I might be here to relay a message that I constantly get from men-
23. LHLewis Howes
  Yeah
24. MHMatthew Hussey
  ... or something that I observe with an enormous number of men. I mean, I, I say to women, I only started working with women, A, because they asked me to. I, I didn't, uh, when, when I was coaching guy, I coached nearly 10,000 guys, and women were saying, "When are you gonna do the same thing for us?"
25. LHLewis Howes
  Wow.
26. MHMatthew Hussey
  And I, I said, "I don't know, because I don't really know you."
27. LHLewis Howes
  Mm.
28. MHMatthew Hussey
  Uh, I know men, uh, 'cause I co- not 'cause I'm a guy, but 'cause I've just coached 10,000 of them over the last-
29. LHLewis Howes
  Yeah
30. MHMatthew Hussey
  ... three years. I said, "So I have something to say about men." I said, "But I don't know you." And they said, "Don't worry, we don't wanna know more about us. We nor- we wanna know about men."
22:03 – 25:46
Dropping the Handkerchief: Practical Ways to Open a Conversation
1. LHLewis Howes
  So what are, what are some ways to do it? What are two, two or three ways that a woman could do this to create an opportunity for a conversation to happen?
2. MHMatthew Hussey
  Right. So one, one of them is really, really simple. Um, there was a, there was actually a book written, um, by a guy called, I think, Richard Wiseman. It was called 59 Seconds, but one of the studies-
3. LHLewis Howes
  Mm
4. MHMatthew Hussey
  ... in the book, um, that wasn't done by him, it was done by, I think, Jeker and Landy, was about, um, the psychology of favors.
5. LHLewis Howes
  Mm.
6. MHMatthew Hussey
  And what they found, uh, years ago when they did this study, they were looking for the obvious, right? If I do you a favor, you'll like me more.
7. LHLewis Howes
  Yes.
8. MHMatthew Hussey
  Uh, what they actually found was if I do you a favor, I'll like you more.
9. LHLewis Howes
  Mm.
10. MHMatthew Hussey
  Because we like people that we're able to help in some small way.
11. LHLewis Howes
  Mm.
12. MHMatthew Hussey
  The only caveat was that the favor couldn't be something that was difficult to perform. [laughs] If you ask me something-
13. LHLewis Howes
  A small favor
14. MHMatthew Hussey
  ... that's difficult, I could get annoyed, right?
15. LHLewis Howes
  Yeah, yeah.
16. MHMatthew Hussey
  And frustrated. If you ask me something that's easy for me to do and I get to help you in some way, I actually end up liking you more.
17. LHLewis Howes
  Mm.
18. MHMatthew Hussey
  So the, the psychology when, uh, when done in the direction of woman t- uh, man to woman is much more powerful. 'Cause men have these two instincts, provide and protect.
19. LHLewis Howes
  Uh-huh.
20. MHMatthew Hussey
  So now when a woman comes up and asks for a favor, he immediately gets to s- gets to cater to those two male instincts that make him feel important. So, uh, the, the advice goes like this. If you walk up to a guy and you say, uh, use this one first line and it will work time and time again. You say, um, "I could really use your help with something." That one line is gonna have nine out of 10 guys immediately receptive to whatever you say next.
21. LHLewis Howes
  Mm, 'cause they wanna provide and protect.
22. MHMatthew Hussey
  Yeah, anything.
23. LHLewis Howes
  Right, right, right.
24. MHMatthew Hussey
  Tell me how I can feel important right now.
25. LHLewis Howes
  Right, right, right.
26. MHMatthew Hussey
  Um, so I could really use your help with something. Now, it could be-
27. LHLewis Howes
  It could be answering a question, it could be whatever
28. MHMatthew Hussey
  ... anything, right? Directions. But let's say you're in a bar and you say, "Could you-" Hold my jacket for two seconds while I give these drinks to my friends. I'm running out of hands here
29. LHLewis Howes
  Smart
30. MHMatthew Hussey
  You then take your drinks, you give them to your friends, you come back, you take your jacket, and you say, "Thank you so much. You're a gentleman. How's your evening going anyway?"
25:46 – 29:22
Close the Gap, Then Recreate Space
1. MHMatthew Hussey
  So this is a really important part. This is really important because the- there is a mistake people make here.
2. LHLewis Howes
  Mm.
3. MHMatthew Hussey
  And I realized this early on, because I, I was giving women this way to go and be proactive with guys in a way that they hadn't been before, but they were making the mistake of staying in there too long.
4. LHLewis Howes
  Oh.
5. MHMatthew Hussey
  Right?
6. LHLewis Howes
  So don't stick around.
7. MHMatthew Hussey
  No, no, no. The ... There's a ... Think of it this way. In order to give someone the opportunity to hit on you in the first place, you need to close the gap.
8. LHLewis Howes
  Mm.
9. MHMatthew Hussey
  So when a woman goes in and says ... I mean, there's another one that I'll, I'll give you. If you're, you know ... Th- this one is ... Always pay attention to what's going on around you, and if nothing else, say the obvious. So you could be in a bar, you know, lining up for a drink, and you say to the guy next to you, "Oh, my God, it's so busy in here."
10. LHLewis Howes
  Mm.
11. MHMatthew Hussey
  All right? That's it. By the way, you're not saying, "It's so busy in here." You're saying, "It's okay for you to talk to me."
12. LHLewis Howes
  Right, right, right, right. [laughs]
13. MHMatthew Hussey
  [laughs] That's really what you're saying. Um, so in that moment, again, if you wanted to make it more flirtatious, you'd say, "Oh, my God, it's so busy in here. It's you with your big shoulders. Move."
14. LHLewis Howes
  Right, right, right. [laughs]
15. MHMatthew Hussey
  And then you'd push him. And then you immediately are gonna have some-
16. LHLewis Howes
  Sure
17. MHMatthew Hussey
  ... great tension, and he's gonna feel manly.
18. LHLewis Howes
  [laughs]
19. MHMatthew Hussey
  Um, but the, the key thing is don't then stay in there. I was in LA recently, and there w- I was with two buddies, and three women came over and started talking to us. Now, I can't fault that because that's why I help people to do that.
20. LHLewis Howes
  Yeah.
21. MHMatthew Hussey
  I, I think it's important. I think they did the right thing. But what they, what they could have changed is when they came over to speak to us, they stood facing us, uh, with their f- feet pointed towards us in a circle, and then there was no sign of them leaving ever.
22. LHLewis Howes
  They were just-
23. MHMatthew Hussey
  Right
24. LHLewis Howes
  ... committed to being there.
25. MHMatthew Hussey
  You know when someone's body language says, "I'm not going anywhere."
26. LHLewis Howes
  Yeah. [laughs]
27. MHMatthew Hussey
  And it immediately makes you nervous 'cause you sort of think, "Oh," you're like, "How am I gonna get out of this situation?"
28. LHLewis Howes
  You're not interested in them.
29. MHMatthew Hussey
  Right.
30. LHLewis Howes
  You don't wanna be in it.
29:22 – 29:37
The Biggest Mistake: Entitlement and Lacking Competence
1. LHLewis Howes
  What is the, uh ... What's the biggest mistake people find today when trying to find their love or find someone that they, you know, their soulmate?
2. MHMatthew Hussey
  Oh, my God. Wow.
3. LHLewis Howes
  What's the biggest mistake? Is it being yourself?
4. MHMatthew Hussey
  [laughs]
5. LHLewis Howes
  [laughs]
29:37 – 42:12
The Breakup Lesson: Unique Pairings and Over-Trained Strengths
1. MHMatthew Hussey
  It's ... I, I, I think there's a something of a sense of entitlement that most of us have, uh, or that most people have when they're going out to date, where they somehow feel like they're just owed-
2. LHLewis Howes
  Mm
3. MHMatthew Hussey
  ... the love of their life, that it shouldn't be difficult, that, um, that they don't have to do anything, that it's enough, that they are just them. You know, it's the ... You know that, there's ... I don't know if you've ever seen Bridget Jones, but there's a, there's a line in Bridget Jones where d- uh, forget his name, Colin Firth, I think it is. He's, he's looking at Bridget and he's ... I think he says, "I lo- uh, exactly how you are, I love you." Mm-hmm. Like, "No changes, nothing. I, I love you exactly how you are." And it ... Sometimes we feel like we're owed that, and it kind of becomes an excuse again not- To be lazy ... to grow. Yeah Not to ... You know, I don't, I don't ... Frankly, I, it doesn't really matter what you think you're owed in love. Yeah. Uh, no one cares. I think it's the same thing with work and, you know- It's everything ... so many people are entitled and they think they should just get a job. It, it's everything. You know? Yeah. A- and so the biggest criticism I get all the time, which I'm happy with as a criticism of my advice- Uh-huh ... is, "Well, why do you need to do all of this stuff? Why can't you just, you know, go through life and, and, you know, it ... When the time is right, you'll know." Mm-hmm. "Why, why do you have to do all of these techniques?" I'm happy with that criticism. If you, if you, if that's what you think, you're not my audience. Because my audience are the same people that go to a business seminar to make more money. Mm-hmm. They're the same people that say, "You know what? Um, if I wanna start a business, I might actually need to know what the hell I'm doing." It's not enough to have confidence in life. Right. You have to have competence. Yeah. You have to actually know what you're doing. And, and that's what a lot of people don't know in their love lives. I- if you, for example ... There's w- there's something I come, I came to understand. I, I was ... I remember once having a breakup. It was the most painful breakup I've ever had. I was really, really in, uh, a bad way over it. And a while later, I spoke to this, to this woman on the phone, and I had said to her on the, in a brave moment on the phone, I said, "Why did, why did you wanna break up?" 'Cause by the way- Oh, you talked to the w- the woman you were dating? Yeah, the, the one that had- Later on the phone ... later, like a year or two later. It was less raw. Sure, sure. I was feeling a little more- And how long was the relationship for? A couple of years. Okay. Wow. All right. And, um, uh, and I was, I was pretty cut up about it. Now, the funny thing was, uh, to make a long story short, she had actually done something I didn't like, and that I thought- Mm ... was inappropriate and disrespectful, and I remember going to her the next day and saying, "I think we need to break up." During the relationship she did this, yeah? Yeah. And, uh, she then said to me, "Okay." That was when I knew she- Oh ... was breaking up with me. [laughs] Ouch. It wasn't, it wasn't ... You know when you- Yeah, yeah ... you think you're breaking up with them? No, she was- No, she was- She was already doing it ... she was breaking up with me. Uh, and it was ... What was so painful about it is that she was, she didn't mind. Uh- Ouch ... I, I was ex- ... I thought she might get upset. I thought ... No. No. She didn't mind. And that was the most painful part about it. And I- And she didn't even fake it. You know, most women would've faked that they mind. [laughs] Right? Like, "I can't believe this," but they're really- I know ... you know, they really- I know. No, she looked like she was, "Okay. This is a good decision." Wow. So I [laughs] so I, I remember a while later we were on the phone, and we were, we became ... We're friends today. Yeah. We're very good friends, in fact. And, uh, I had said to her on the phone, um, "Why did we break up?" I said, "What, what was it for you that I wasn't doing?" And I braced myself for the answer. She said, "Do you really wanna know?" The honest feedback. A- and I said ... I literally thought to myself, "Wait, do I really wanna know?" And I said ... I gritted my teeth and I went, "Yeah, I wanna know." She said, um, "You were boring." And- Wow ... it was so much worse than I thought it would be. [laughs] Do you know what I mean? Wow. Like, not, not just like, "Oh, well, you know, it was just I was young and I was d- and you know- Yeah ... wanted to be free." No. "You were boring." It was really cutting. And I [laughs] I remember r- resisting the urge to bite back, and I said- You're like, "I wasn't boring. I was ..." You know. Right. Exactly. I said, "No, you're ... Shut up, idiot. Just-" [laughs] "You asked the question, so now listen." Yeah. So I said, "Why was I boring?" She said, "You ..." She said, "When I first met you, you were the most ambitious, uh, person I'd ever met." And she said, "I'd never met someone with such an ability to decide they want something and then get it." Mm. And she said, "It was so sexy." She said, "But as we went into our relationship, the more time went on, the more that was all you were. You were super ambitious. You knew how to get what you want, but it w- you were so one-dimensional." Mm. You know, "It was all you did. Even in our free time, you were just, you were on the phone, you were on your laptop. You would talk about your business. You were always talking shop. There was never anything else you had to talk about. We didn't do anything spontaneous." Mm. "We never went and had adventures. It was just all one track." And she said it, it got boring. Yeah. I said, "Wow, it's ..." She was right. She was right. It's ... There was nothing I could argue with. And I realized something in that moment. The thing that makes ... The ... One quality can make you really attractive, right? But it won't keep someone. It can make you get the person. Right. It can make you sexy. It can make you, uh, intriguing. Um- Mm-hmm. Mysterious. Right. But it can even for a time make someone worship or idolize you. Mm-hmm. One quality. But one quality will not hold someone, because the reality was there was a, a flip side to ambition which would've made it eminently more attractive. And there are a few, right? Right. If you pair ambition, say, with an ability to enjoy life- Mm ... now that person is s- Really sexy ... super sexy. [laughs] You, you, you combine ambition with a sense of spontaneity- Mm-hmm ... for example. Adventure. Very, very sexy. Yes. Ambition on its own is, when you look at it from afar, very, very attractive. You go ... Women will say, "I want an ambitious man. I like that." Yes. But when they get up close, if it's only one side to a coin- It quickly becomes unattractive. Mm-hmm. The, uh, uh, someone I'm a big fan of or unfortunately has passed, but Christopher Hitchens. Mm. He, um, he once said about love that the, to, to challenge is in not allowing your strengths to negate themselves. Wow. And that's a very powerful statement because my ambition was my greatest strength that also had the ability to be the thing that crippled me. Uh, because what happens is when you get good at something and you get validation from it, it- You wanna keep doing it and get better at it. Right. Yeah. And it becomes, if you're not careful, a muscle that you, that you train to the point of mutation. Mm-hmm. And then every other part of you is, is, is not working, is, i- i- is, has atrophied. Yeah. So now, uh, you have a complete imbalance. Uh, it's like a ... You know, I remember working out at the gym once, and my trainer... I was, I was, uh, doing pull-ups and was trying to work out my back. My back was fine. I could keep going. [laughs] And then all of a sudden, my, my forearms gave up- Mm ... while I was trying to pull myself up. And I said, "This is so annoying. We're trying to work my back, but my fore- and my back's fine, but my forearms have given up." Right. He said, "You're only as strong as your weakest link." Mm. If your, if your forearms aren't, aren't there, you're not gonna be able to train your back as well as you could. Yeah. So, so here's the, the, the point about this, which I find very interesting about dating. To your point of what's the biggest mistake people make, apart from of course the entitlement, it's over-reliance on a key strength that they have come to, uh, rely on as their source of validation- Mm ... success, uh, confidence. Right. Over-reliance on that. I had come to over-rely on essentially being ahead of the curve for my age. Yeah. That was like the thing that I was always based my confidence on, was I am way ahead of the curve- Yeah ... for people my age. My business is going great. Correct. Yes. The, the people I grew up with in- Publicity and yeah ... my, in my age group are not where I am. Just are still living at home and whatever, yeah. But guess what? That alone is boring. Yeah. It's boring, and it doesn't make an interesting, rounded, sexy person. The, um ... But when you combine it with something else, it becomes what I call unique pairing. Mm. It's a bit like if I, if I wanted to really get a woman attracted tonight, not me, but like send a guy out to get a woman attracted, I could literally ... If, if he went in and he was a little cocky and teasing, but in the right way. Mm-hmm. Not an arrogant- Sure ... obnoxious, but just he knew how to- Flirtatious, yeah ... he knew how to play with her. And then a couple of hours in, later, you know, maybe it's getting late. He comes out of the restroom, and after being teasing and playful and silly, he says, "You know what? It's getting late. Um, I called you a car. Um, I don't want you walking outside." And he says, "I have to go as well. I have to get up early." He takes her outside. Um, he gives her a little kiss. He says, "All jokes aside, I've had the best night with you tonight. I'll call you later this week." Mm-hmm. Puts her in the car, car drives away. That woman will be going, "Oh, crap." [laughs] Like, "I like this guy." Yeah. Now, the reason wasn't because he was a gentleman, and it wasn't because he was cocky and teasing. It's be- It was because he was both. Both of them, yeah. It's the and. If he does just one thing, it's not interesting enough. 'Cause you can replace the cocky guy like that. Yes. Women know that. Yes. Y- they can go out tonight and meet a cocky guy in Hollywood- Yes ... any night of the week. They can go out the next... They don't even have to go out the next night. They can turn to their left- [laughs] ... and meet another one straight away. Right, right. By the way, they, even though people complain about chivalry is dead, you can go out and meet a gentleman. Lots of gentlemen. You can go out and meet lots of nice guys. But that's all they are. Right. Incredibly boring. Women will never- Too nice ... they, they don't hold a woman. Yes. Right? So but now you find, like, what- Mm ... seems to be a good man but with an edge. That's interesting. That's a unique pairing. Yes. And that's someone that becomes not an attraction, but an addiction. Ooh. Uh, and there's a- I like that ... and there's a, a, a big, big difference. So I, I believe that we will actually ... I believe these pairings already exist within us, but we've over-trained certain muscles. Mm-hmm. We've over-trained certain qualities that we've gotten used to as habit. Yeah. Uh, for some people it's being funny. Sure. Uh, for other people- That's all I do or- ... it's being intellectual and they always, they're the person that knows everything about everything. They've read every book. Mm-hmm, sure. They can always quote so-and-so. Uh, for others, it's, uh, uh, being seductive. Mm-hmm. That's the thing they got really good at. So they're really good at, you know, getting someone into bed or, or, uh, getting someone sexually attracted, but they're never the person you wanna eat pizza with the next day. Right, right. [laughs] You know, so it's like it, it, it's finding those combinations that make you go- Mm ... "Oh my God, the person I was with last night, they were this and they were this." It's the and. [laughs] The and is where it's at. I wonder what else they could do. [laughs] Exactly. And you'll, and by the way- That's interesting ... that's what makes it so hard. I, I say this to everybody. If you wanna know why you found it so hard to get over a certain ex- Mm ... look for the unique pairing. Ooh, 'cause they had multiple things or various things. There was, there was some unique pairing- Ugh ... that made you feel- Addicted ... like they were difficult to replace. Oh. And, and that's what scares us. The more unique pairings you have, the more you become a rare bird in the dating marketplace. Right. Right? And, and when you become rare, people get really terrified of, of losing you, and that's always the case. Whenever you think of someone you've lost and you think, like your heart aches for having lost them- For like months and months ... yeah, you, it's because you go ... It's not because you go, "They were good in bed." It's 'cause you go, "They were good in bed, and they made me laugh." [laughs] Like, uh, like I never find that. And they were nice to my parents. Right. And I took them home, and she was a sweetheart to my ... Like there's- Yeah ... there's those moments where you go, "God, I can't find this person again," and that terrifies you. Mm. Yeah. So again, to be more positive about it, be the person that has the unique pairings- Mm ... that other people are terrified of losing. Yeah. You know, I like this because I feel like-
42:12 – 46:47
Why Divorce Is So Common: Love Versus Desire
1. LHLewis Howes
  Well, I don't feel like, but the statistics show that the divorce rate is up higher than ever right now, right?
2. MHMatthew Hussey
  Mm.
3. LHLewis Howes
  Isn't it something like 50%? I don't know if you know the numbers.
4. MHMatthew Hussey
  You hear, I hear these, no-
5. LHLewis Howes
  You know the numbers
6. MHMatthew Hussey
  ... I, I, I hear 50% bandied around.
7. LHLewis Howes
  Yes.
8. MHMatthew Hussey
  How accurate it is, I don't know.
9. LHLewis Howes
  Who knows? But it seems like people are getting married multiple times.
10. MHMatthew Hussey
  Mm.
11. LHLewis Howes
  Uh, and they're easy to get out of relationships. They're, you know ... And I'll speak for myself, you know, I have a lot of fears about long-term commitments.
12. MHMatthew Hussey
  Mm.
13. LHLewis Howes
  You know, most of my relationships are a year, um, maybe longer, but usually about a year, and then I'm like either bored or I get scared-
14. MHMatthew Hussey
  Mm-hmm
15. LHLewis Howes
  ... 'cause I have my own walls and I still get to grow and learn.
16. MHMatthew Hussey
  For sure.
17. LHLewis Howes
  Um, I'm curious, why do you think so many people bail in relationships, and why do you think so many people are getting divorced more than ever now?
18. MHMatthew Hussey
  Oh, man. That's a big question. I, um, well, there are, I think there are a number of things. I can have a stab at, uh, at this.
19. LHLewis Howes
  [laughs]
20. MHMatthew Hussey
  I, I think firstly, there is less of a stigma now than there has ever been about divorce.
21. LHLewis Howes
  It's okay now, right?
22. MHMatthew Hussey
  Right. No, and you know, and, and, uh, certainly there are parts of the world where it's not, and there are certain religions and cultures where it's not, but, but certainly less than ever-
23. LHLewis Howes
  Sure. Let's speak in America at least.
24. MHMatthew Hussey
  Right.
25. LHLewis Howes
  Yeah, yeah.
26. MHMatthew Hussey
  There's less of a stigma-
27. LHLewis Howes
  Yeah
28. MHMatthew Hussey
  ... a- a- about divorce. We don't feel like complete failures in the same way that we might once have. Or we wouldn't have, there would've been a time-
29. LHLewis Howes
  We're justified
30. MHMatthew Hussey
  ... where we would've been outcast from society-
46:47 – 53:49
Keeping Desire Alive: Seeing with New Eyes and Spending Time Apart
1. MHMatthew Hussey
  So we-
2. LHLewis Howes
  So how do you keep that-
3. MHMatthew Hussey
  It's a co-
4. LHLewis Howes
  ... after years and years of-
5. MHMatthew Hussey
  And that's a great question, and it's a, it's a, it's a big one. Um, I think there are many answers, and I think they change-
6. LHLewis Howes
  Mm
7. MHMatthew Hussey
  ... depending on the couple.
8. LHLewis Howes
  So you gotta ... So what you're saying at first, before you answer, is you've gotta have both love and desire throughout the relationship in order for it to be a s- a successful one, let's say.
9. MHMatthew Hussey
  Yeah, in, in order to maintain, in order to satisfy your needs-
10. LHLewis Howes
  Each partner
11. MHMatthew Hussey
  ... along the way.
12. LHLewis Howes
  Yeah.
13. MHMatthew Hussey
  Because the, the, I think many people get divorced because, not because there's a lack of love. I mean, sometimes that's true, you know?
14. LHLewis Howes
  Right, right.
15. MHMatthew Hussey
  Sometimes it's true that two people don't, don't give each other enough love. They don't act as a team.
16. LHLewis Howes
  Mm-hmm.
17. MHMatthew Hussey
  Um, and, and there are problems with that.
18. LHLewis Howes
  Right.
19. MHMatthew Hussey
  But a lot of people-
20. LHLewis Howes
  It's like 'cause they spend too much time together, right?
21. MHMatthew Hussey
  ... it's not because of a lack of love. A lot of people, it's 'cause of lack of desire-
22. LHLewis Howes
  Interesting
23. MHMatthew Hussey
  ... um, that lead, that, that create, you know, these weird, um, moments in relationships where sometimes people cheat-
24. LHLewis Howes
  Mm
25. MHMatthew Hussey
  ... uh, or they, maybe it's not going as far as cheating, but they realize that they're having all of these thoughts-
26. LHLewis Howes
  Yeah
27. MHMatthew Hussey
  ... that they're not proud of. Um, maybe they just have to leave because they think there's something wrong with them because they're bored.
28. LHLewis Howes
  Yeah.
29. MHMatthew Hussey
  Um, you know, I, I got a question on the Today Show recently. I mean, I, me and, uh, it was, uh, on the Today Show recently and me and Kathie Lee, you know, got heated over this issue because, you know, there was a guy on there whose question was, "My kids have just gone off to university. Um, how do ..." You know, we're, we're now ... Basically what he was saying is the kids have all left.
30. LHLewis Howes
  They're gone.
53:49 – 55:33
Gratitude and the Thin End of the Wedge
1. LHLewis Howes
  So I wanna ask you a couple different related, uh, different questions not related to that. One is, um, what are you most grateful for in your life recently? I like to finish with gratitude.
2. MHMatthew Hussey
  Wow. Um, God. The... I think one thing I'm, I'm very grateful for is I, I... Well, I just, uh, recently applied for my green card, um, and, uh-
3. LHLewis Howes
  You and brother [laughs]
4. MHMatthew Hussey
  ... I, I... It kind of brings a- A dream full circle
5. LHLewis Howes
  Mm-hmm, mm-hmm
6. MHMatthew Hussey
  . Uh, fingers crossed. I, you know-
7. LHLewis Howes
  Yeah
8. MHMatthew Hussey
  ... it should be coming through in the next couple of months. Hopefully I don't get rejected.
9. LHLewis Howes
  [laughs]
10. MHMatthew Hussey
  But I, um, I ... It's, but it's come full circle. You know, something that I had dreamed about for a very long time.
11. LHLewis Howes
  Mm-hmm.
12. MHMatthew Hussey
  Uh, and, and really has been, uh, you know, nearly two decades, uh, of, of thinking about that idea.
13. LHLewis Howes
  Mm. Wow.
14. MHMatthew Hussey
  Um, you know, has actually come to fruition. And, and it's amazing to me that it started with me thinking why not come and do a seminar for five people-
15. LHLewis Howes
  Mm-hmm
16. MHMatthew Hussey
  ... and lose money, uh, just to, just to say that I'm doing something-
17. LHLewis Howes
  You did it
18. MHMatthew Hussey
  ... in America.
19. LHLewis Howes
  Yeah.
20. MHMatthew Hussey
  And, um, it, um, it, it ... I, I'm, I'm there now. So that, you know, I, I say to everyone out there always drive in the thin end of the wedge, whatever it is. Whatever is-
21. LHLewis Howes
  Mm-hmm
22. MHMatthew Hussey
  ... the smallest possible thing that relates to your bigger dream, do the smallest possible thing.
23. LHLewis Howes
  Mm.
24. MHMatthew Hussey
  'Cause you never know what domino effect that might have. I could never have guessed that by this age I would be living here and, and traveling the country doing what I love, and, um, and I am. And I feel immensely grateful for that.
25. LHLewis Howes
  That's cool, man.
26. MHMatthew Hussey
  Yeah.
27. LHLewis Howes
  Very cool. Uh,
55:33 – 1:00:35
Three Truths: Be Kind, Know You Don't Know Enough, Enjoy Your Path
1. LHLewis Howes
  I've been asking this question a lot lately for some of my guests, so I'm gonna ask you this one as well 'cause I'm interested to hear the response. Uh, but it's the, uh, many, many years from now, it's the end of your life, the last day, and everything you've ever said online, written, your-
2. MHMatthew Hussey
  [laughs]
3. LHLewis Howes
  ... you know, you're a New York Time best-selling author.
4. MHMatthew Hussey
  [laughs]
5. LHLewis Howes
  You've gotten millions of views from all your videos, has been erased from time.
6. MHMatthew Hussey
  Mm-hmm.
7. LHLewis Howes
  And you've got a piece of paper and a pen. All your friends and family are there supporting you in your final moments, telling you how much they love you. You got a pen and a piece of paper and they say you get to write down three truths about life, the three things you know to be true about life. And this is the only thing that people will get to see, uh, from your message moving forward, 'cause everything else has been erased.
8. MHMatthew Hussey
  Wow.
9. LHLewis Howes
  What would you write down as the three truths-
10. MHMatthew Hussey
  Let's see if I can-
11. LHLewis Howes
  ... that you know?
12. MHMatthew Hussey
  ... think of three. Um.
13. LHLewis Howes
  They don't have to be perfect, but what comes to your mind?
14. MHMatthew Hussey
  I, uh, uh, be kind. Um, I think the, one of my favorite shows is, uh, Derek. Uh, I don't know if you've ever seen it.
15. LHLewis Howes
  Oh.
16. MHMatthew Hussey
  It's a Ricky Gervais show. Um, but it's about a guy who works in a, an old people's home. And, um, he, his favorite line is a, a line his mum told him, which was, "Kindness is magic." And, um, I don't believe in magic, and, uh, I certainly, uh, don't, uh, I, I don't know what happens later on or whether anything bigger is there, but I do, I do believe that there is a magic to kindness that is really, really special. So even when you f- even when it feels like you shouldn't be kind, um, or that the whole world is horrible, be kind. 'Cause you just never know-
17. LHLewis Howes
  Mm
18. MHMatthew Hussey
  ... who is watching and who will decide that there is still some good in the world-
19. LHLewis Howes
  Sure
20. MHMatthew Hussey
  ... because you did something kind.
21. LHLewis Howes
  Yeah.
22. MHMatthew Hussey
  Um, so and I'm always grateful for anyone who restores faith, l- j- anyone's little faith in humanity in-
23. LHLewis Howes
  Sure, sure
24. MHMatthew Hussey
  ... those little tiny moments. So be kind. Um, number two, always operate on the assumption that you don't know nearly enough.
25. LHLewis Howes
  Mm.
26. MHMatthew Hussey
  Um, the, I, I ... Coming up, one of ... I remember my friend told me, uh, he ... I, I remember him meeting up with me once. This is y- you know, when I was kinda starting out but getting a bit big for my britches about what I was doing, and he said, you know, he said, "What books have you read recently?"
27. LHLewis Howes
  Uh-huh.
28. MHMatthew Hussey
  And I said, "I haven't." I said, "C- 'cause to be honest, you know, I'm doing all these seminars." And I said, "I don't wanna put all of these other ideas in my head. Like, I wanna, you know, I, I'm trying to develop these ideas and I don't wanna have all of these different..." And he looked at me, and he's an older guy, he's about 40 years old, and he looked at me and he said, "Mate," he said, "I can't tell you how disappointed I am with that answer."
29. LHLewis Howes
  Wow.
30. MHMatthew Hussey
  And it, I looked up to this guy, so-
1:00:35 – 1:04:38
Acknowledgment, Resources, and Defining Greatness
1. LHLewis Howes
  I wanna ask one more question, but before I do, I wanna, uh, take a moment to acknowledge you, Matt, for your ambition, because you are so ambition- ambitious, but your ability to continue learning, and when you teach, you teach with humility.
2. MHMatthew Hussey
  Mm.
3. LHLewis Howes
  And for me, that really comes across and I appreciate that, and it reminds me to myself to always come from a humble place when I'm educating or faciliting- facilitating anything, because that really connects and lands with people in a deeper way, and I know you've been inspiring and impacting hundreds of thousands, if not millions of women around the world because you come from that place of love and humility when you educate. And so I wanna acknowledge you for your ambition and your humility to continue learning what you don't know.
4. MHMatthew Hussey
  Thank you so much.
5. LHLewis Howes
  Yeah.
6. MHMatthew Hussey
  That means the world to me.
7. LHLewis Howes
  Yeah.
8. MHMatthew Hussey
  Thank you.
9. LHLewis Howes
  Final question. Uh, before I ask, where should people go to connect with you and learn more?
10. MHMatthew Hussey
  Well, um, I, I guess I should give a couple of options, one for the men and, and one for the women.
11. LHLewis Howes
  [laughs]
12. MHMatthew Hussey
  Um, uh, the, for, for women out there, I have something really fun actually for, for the women out there. It is free of charge, but, uh, uh, I get an enormous number of questions about texting.
13. LHLewis Howes
  Mm.
14. MHMatthew Hussey
  Um, and I think actually somehow the way you text is a s- kind of microcosm for how you are in communication in general.
15. LHLewis Howes
  Mm, interesting.
16. MHMatthew Hussey
  So, um, there's a guide that I put together which is the, the nine texts that get any man to chase you, and it's really cute and fun, and literally you can take these nine texts, y- whether you're in a relationship, some of them are, are good for a relationship-
17. LHLewis Howes
  Sure
18. MHMatthew Hussey
  ... some of them are good for when you have a guy that's gone cold, some of them are good for if you've just met someone, but there's something in there for everybody, and it's literally, I mean, you can download it now and use, like copy and paste them into your phone-
19. LHLewis Howes
  Sure
20. MHMatthew Hussey
  ... and use them right now and, uh, and tweet me and let me know.
21. LHLewis Howes
  [laughs]
22. MHMatthew Hussey
  'Cause I always get tweets about this guide from people who have used it and say, "That was, that one text-
23. LHLewis Howes
  Mm-hmm
24. MHMatthew Hussey
  ... really made a difference." So, uh, if you wanna, um, go and download that, it's at 9texts.com.
25. LHLewis Howes
  Cool.
26. MHMatthew Hussey
  Uh, and it works either with the number nine or the, the word nine. So 9texts.com.
27. LHLewis Howes
  And I'll be sure to link these up on the show notes too.
28. MHMatthew Hussey
  Great. And, and for the guys, you know, I, I'll say this, I, I don't have, um, any immediate programs for guys. Um, but the- there are huge numbers of guys that watch my YouTube videos-
29. LHLewis Howes
  Yeah
30. MHMatthew Hussey
  ... and, and, and really, um, appear to get an enormous amount from them and, and are part of that community, and I th- I think that's great. I'm a guy and I, I, I talk to women, but everything I say is useful to me as well.