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Lewis Howes"This Is How To STOP Your Partner From CHEATING..." | Esther Perel
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WHAT IT’S REALLY ABOUT
Esther Perel Rethinks Infidelity, Trust, Desire and Supporting Betrayed Friends
- Perel defines infidelity through three elements, secrecy, emotional involvement, and sexual alchemy, and argues most affairs are about desire for aliveness and being seen rather than about sex.
- She says understanding infidelity is not justifying it, and that affairs can occur in happy relationships and should be viewed through both the betrayal and the longing behind them.
- Rebuilding trust, in her view, begins with the wrongdoer showing remorse and guilt rather than self-focused shame, patiently answering repeated questions, and demonstrating they are actively choosing the partner again.
- She names contempt, along with criticism, defensiveness and stonewalling, as the biggest relationship killers, and says novelty, touch, playfulness and appreciation sustain desire.
- She urges friends of betrayed people to give space, restore self-worth, avoid trashing the partner, and not push a decision to leave or stay.
IDEAS WORTH REMEMBERING
5 ideasUnderstanding infidelity is not justifying it
Perel stresses that trying to understand an affair doesn't make it right, and not condemning it doesn't mean condoning it, especially since real people are hurting.
Most affairs are about desire, not sex
She says people seek to be desired, seen, feel alive, or reconnect with lost parts of themselves, and that the mind is the most important sexual organ.
Affairs can happen in good relationships
Perel says she once believed affairs only occurred in troubled relationships, but clients told her they love their partner and are still having an affair, so she looks at both the hurt and the longing.
Guilt, not shame, begins repair
She distinguishes guilt as accountability to the other person from shame, which is self-involved, and says the wrongdoer must acknowledge remorse and let the hurt partner keep asking questions without rushing them.
Trust is about being chosen again
Beyond not repeating the act, Perel says the hurt partner needs to trust that the other truly wants to be with them rather than staying out of convenience, money, or family.
WORDS WORTH SAVING
5 quotesUnderstanding isn't justifying. To try to understand something isn't a way to make it right. And to not condemn something isn't a way to condone it.
— Esther Perel
Monogamy is a practice. It's not a dogma, and it's not natural. It's a choice.
— Esther Perel
The one and only was called God, not your lover. You know? And now all of this has been siphoned into one relationship.
— Esther Perel
Pleasure is the measure, not the performance.
— Esther Perel
The bigger lie is not only that you're having a lover. The bigger lie is that your husband, your boyfriend has no idea what's the truth about you.
— Esther Perel
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SPEAKERS
Belgian psychotherapist and author known for her work on modern relationships and infidelity, including "The State of Affairs" and the podcast "Where Should We Begin?"
Lewis Howes
hostHost of The School of Greatness podcast and interviewer/author in the self-development space.
High quality AI-generated summary created from speaker-labeled transcript.
