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2 Powerful Tools to Create Healthy Connections | The Mel Robbins Podcast [ENCORE]

Order your copy of The Let Them Theory 👉 https://melrob.co/let-them-theory 👈 The #1 Best Selling Book of 2025 🔥 Discover how much power you truly have. It all begins with two simple words. Let Them. — In this episode, you are going to learn why you struggle in certain #relationships and how to let more love in. Whether you struggle in your #friendships or your #romantic relationships, or you don’t feel connected to your #family or the community where you live, today's conversation will give you the insight and tools that you need to create better and more loving relationships everywhere. Dr. Marisa Franco is a NYT bestselling author, award-winning therapist, and professor of psychology at The University of Maryland. She dedicated her professional practice to the study of connections and systemic #loneliness. What will really catch your attention is her research on attachment styles and what they look like in real time, which has been an incredible game changer for me and my personal relationships, particularly with my husband. Attachment style theory goes way beyond "love languages," and once you know yours, you’ll be less triggered by others around you. Understand the attachment styles of others, and you’ll take things less personally. In today’s episode, you’re getting a complete guide to: - What attachment styles are and how they look in real life. - The questions to ask yourself to figure out what your style is. - How to tell if you’re hanging out with the right people. - The one thing avoidant attachment people have a really hard time doing. - How your attachment style determines who you’re attracted to. - Why you might be confusing being triggered with being in love. - Key strategies to start developing a secure attachment style yourself. After listening to this episode, you’ll see the people in your life through an entirely new lens and with an abundance of compassion. This is an encore episode with new and exciting insights from me at the top of the episode. You keep asking about how to make and keep healthy relationships, and it starts with developing a healthy relationship with yourself. Xo Mel In this episode: 00:00 Intro 05:25 Let’s begin with the first style. What is a secure attachment style? 06:57 What does anxious attachment look like? 08:34 Avoidant attachment-type people have a hard time trusting. 10:02 Those who experienced high-trauma situations are more likely to have this style. 11:32 What do these attachment styles look like in real life? 11:45 Is it easier to identify attachment styles in yourself or others? 23:17 How do you have a relationship with someone who has an avoidant style? 27:23 Can you have more than one attachment style? 29:31 How can you develop a more secure attachment? 33:57 Avoidantly attached people actually do have an underlying need for connection. 39:18 These activities will help you start connecting with your body again. 41:44 Here’s how you can create a ‘safe’ space for someone with avoidant attachment. 53:07 Do you confuse being triggered with being in love? 1:03:13 So how do you find securely attached people to hang out with? 1:07:43 This is why understanding attachment styles has been a game changer. #attachment #lovelanguage #attachmentstyles — Follow Mel: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/melrobbins/ TikTok: http://tiktok.com/@melrobbins Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/melrobbins LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/melrobbins Website: http://melrobbins.com​ — Sign up for Mel’s newsletter: https://melrob.co/sign-up-newsletter A note from Mel to you, twice a week, sharing simple, practical ways to build the life you want. — Subscribe to Mel’s channel here: https://www.youtube.com/melrobbins​?sub_confirmation=1 — Listen to The Mel Robbins Podcast 🎧 New episodes drop every Monday & Thursday! https://melrob.co/spotify https://melrob.co/applepodcasts https://melrob.co/amazonmusic — Looking for Mel’s books on Amazon? Find them here: The Let Them Theory: https://amzn.to/3IQ21Oe The Let Them Theory Audiobook: https://amzn.to/413SObp The High 5 Habit: https://amzn.to/3fMvfPQ The 5 Second Rule: https://amzn.to/4l54fah

Mel RobbinshostDr. Marisa Francoguest
Jul 6, 20231h 14mWatch on YouTube ↗

At a glance

WHAT IT’S REALLY ABOUT

Transform Every Relationship By Understanding Your Attachment Style Today

  1. Mel Robbins and psychologist Dr. Marisa Franco unpack attachment theory and explain how four attachment styles—secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized—shape the way we give and receive love in every relationship, not just romantic ones.
  2. They describe the core beliefs, behaviors, and conflict patterns associated with each style, and how these dynamics play out in families, friendships, and partnerships, especially in high‑stress, close‑quarters situations like vacations and holidays.
  3. A major focus is on how anxious and avoidant partners often pair up, why both styles struggle to truly receive love, and how misunderstandings around emotional needs can create cycles of triggering and withdrawal.
  4. The episode closes with practical tools to move toward secure attachment, including self-soothing practices, savoring moments of acceptance, reconnecting with emotions (especially for avoidant people), and intentionally seeking out securely attached relationships.

IDEAS WORTH REMEMBERING

5 ideas

Identify your attachment style to stop personalizing others’ behavior.

Seeing your and others’ patterns as attachment-driven (not purely personal attacks or flaws) helps you de-escalate conflict, reduce triggers, and respond as a “calm, centered adult” instead of reacting from old wounds.

Secure attachment is a flexible, balanced way of relating you can learn.

Securely attached people assume they are lovable and others are generally trustworthy; they set and accept boundaries, are appropriately vulnerable, and can hold both their needs and others’ needs without extremes.

Anxious attachment over-reads rejection and self-sacrifices to earn love.

Anxiously attached individuals fear abandonment, over-give, struggle to set boundaries, and may confuse the high arousal of being triggered with being in love, keeping them stuck in painful relationship cycles.

Avoidant attachment suppresses emotions and mistakes distance for strength.

Avoidantly attached people often see needs as weakness, suppress feelings (which can later show up as physical symptoms), ghost or stonewall when overwhelmed, and underestimate how deeply they actually crave connection.

Disorganized attachment creates chaotic, push–pull relationship patterns.

Often rooted in severe early trauma, disorganized attachment mixes anxious and avoidant reactions—wanting closeness while being terrified of it—leading to sudden withdrawals, intense misinterpretations, and emotional freeze states.

WORDS WORTH SAVING

5 quotes

Attachment style is all about you and how you show up in relationships, and that's why it impacts everything.

— Mel Robbins

Securely attached people are kind of on their own side.

— Dr. Marisa Franco

Avoidantly attached people think they’re super independent and don’t really need anyone, but that’s a defense mechanism against an underlying need for connection.

— Dr. Marisa Franco

Secure people can receive the depths of love.

— Dr. Marisa Franco

When you understand your attachment style, you now have a lens to see your inability to receive love—and then learn how to let more love in.

— Mel Robbins

Overview of the four attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, disorganizedHow attachment styles show up in friendships, family, and work relationshipsBehavioral and emotional signs of each attachment style in real lifeThe anxious–avoidant dynamic in romantic and close relationshipsWhy receiving love is difficult for insecurely attached peopleStrategies for healing toward secure attachment and self-compassionPractical tools for handling conflict and triggers in relationships

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