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A Yale Psychologist Explains Why Teens are Spiraling (It’s Not What You Think) | Mel Robbins Podcast

Order your copy of The Let Them Theory 👉 https://melrob.co/let-them-theory 👈 The #1 Best Selling Book of 2025 🔥 Discover how much power you truly have. It all begins with two simple words. Let Them. — Dr. Lisa Damour is a clinical psychologist and author of three New York Times bestsellers. She earned degrees from both Yale and the University of Michigan and has more than 30 years of experience working with #teens and #families. Her latest book, "The Emotional Lives of Teenagers," has been nothing short of life changing. Today you will learn… -five words you need to know when someone you love is struggling -the signs that tell you when someone is “costly coping” -what to say that will prevent a conversation from turning into a battle -why your kids dump all their emotional garbage on you -when it’s time for a therapist -why struggles are signs of being “mentally WELL”! Leave this episode full of the resources you deserve. Xo Mel In this episode, you'll learn: 00:00 Intro 07:23 Why uncomfortable has become unmanageable in today’s culture 11:42 What does it mean to be “mentally well”? 16:21 What is costly coping and what action to take when doing this 22:05 The parenting advice you need starts with compassion and understanding 29:06 Here’s how I wish I’d handled Chris’s depression differently. 32:01 Let’s look at the difference in emotions between genders. 36:58 How do you help people in your life who just can’t let it go? 41:02 Do your kids do this, too? It’s called the “defense of externalization.” 46:49 How do you know when it’s time to get a therapist involved? 50:18 The impact of the pandemic on adolescence 58:01 When are suicide thoughts normal and when are they concerning? 1:01:17 What happened to our nervous system during this time? 1:03:00 These are the concerns of Dr. Damour that we should watch for. 1:07:36 When do healthy habits become an obsession? 1:16:32 How do you let kids have emotions without letting them run the home? 1:18:07 Here is the most important thing you can offer your teen. — Follow Mel: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/melrobbins/ TikTok: http://tiktok.com/@melrobbins Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/melrobbins LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/melrobbins Website: http://melrobbins.com​ — Sign up for Mel’s newsletter: https://melrob.co/sign-up-newsletter A note from Mel to you, twice a week, sharing simple, practical ways to build the life you want. — Subscribe to Mel’s channel here: https://www.youtube.com/melrobbins​?sub_confirmation=1 — Listen to The Mel Robbins Podcast 🎧 New episodes drop every Monday & Thursday! https://melrob.co/spotify https://melrob.co/applepodcasts https://melrob.co/amazonmusic — Looking for Mel’s books on Amazon? Find them here: The Let Them Theory: https://amzn.to/3IQ21Oe The Let Them Theory Audiobook: https://amzn.to/413SObp The High 5 Habit: https://amzn.to/3fMvfPQ The 5 Second Rule: https://amzn.to/4l54fah

Mel RobbinshostDr. Lisa Damourguest
May 18, 20231h 25mWatch on YouTube ↗

At a glance

WHAT IT’S REALLY ABOUT

Yale psychologist redefines teen mental health and post-pandemic crisis

  1. Mel Robbins interviews clinical psychologist and author Dr. Lisa Damour about the emotional lives of teenagers, especially in the wake of the pandemic. Damour reframes mental health as having feelings that fit the situation and are managed in healthy ways, rather than the absence of distress or constant happiness.
  2. They explore how normal, even intense, negative emotions are often signs of healthy functioning, and distinguish these from red-flag situations where emotions impair functioning or drive “costly coping” like substance abuse, self‑harm, avoidance, or disordered eating.
  3. Damour explains how lockdown disrupted teens’ two core developmental tasks—growing independent and building peer relationships—leading to delays, spikes in anxiety, eating disorders, substance use, and school avoidance.
  4. Throughout, she offers specific language, scripts, and frameworks for parents and caring adults to respond more effectively: validating distress, avoiding overreaction, supporting exposure to feared situations, and becoming a steady, empathic presence rather than a panicked fixer.

IDEAS WORTH REMEMBERING

5 ideas

Distress can be a sign of mental health, not illness.

Psychologically, mental health is assessed by whether feelings fit the circumstances and are managed constructively—not by whether someone feels calm or happy. Sadness after a breakup or anxiety before an exam is normal and often healthy; the absence of such reactions can be more concerning.

Watch for two red flags: impaired functioning and costly coping.

Concern rises when emotions significantly interfere with daily life (can’t attend school, socialize, or manage basics) or when someone relies on coping that ‘works’ but has a price—substance abuse, self-harm, lashing out, extreme avoidance. These signal the need for intervention and possibly professional help.

Start by respecting that problematic behaviors are serving a purpose.

Teens (and adults) don’t cut, binge, or overuse weed and gaming irrationally; these behaviors numb or regulate pain. Opening with “You’re too smart to be doing this for no reason—this must be working for you somehow” reduces combativeness and helps you join the part of them that wants healthier options: “What you’re doing isn’t working; let’s find something that will.”

Avoidance feeds anxiety; gradual exposure reduces it.

Letting kids skip parties, classes, or activities to relieve anxiety offers immediate relief but reinforces avoidance as the go‑to strategy and cements catastrophic beliefs. Instead, collaborate on small, doable exposures (e.g., “Stay at the party for 20 minutes; I’ll pick you up if you still need to leave”) while teaching calming and reframing techniques.

Externalization is normal: don’t absorb your teen’s emotional ‘trash.’

Adolescents often dump intense feelings on a parent, feel better, and move on while the parent lies awake worrying. Asking “Do you want help or just to vent?” and mentally “holding a garbage bag” for their feelings lets you validate them without over-owning the problem—or amplifying their distress with your own.

WORDS WORTH SAVING

5 quotes

So often, mental health concerns and distress are treated as though they are one and the same, but the presence of distress is often evidence of mental health.

— Dr. Lisa Damour

Humans are rational actors. They don’t do things that don’t serve a purpose—even when those things are damaging.

— Dr. Lisa Damour

Avoidance feeds anxiety. On this, everyone in psychology agrees.

— Dr. Lisa Damour

Our job is to try to be a steady presence.

— Dr. Lisa Damour

We’re not going to medicate or therapize our way out of this adolescent mental health crisis. It’s going to be about strong relationships with caring adults.

— Dr. Lisa Damour

Redefining mental health: distress as evidence of healthy functioningHealthy vs. unhealthy coping and the concept of “costly coping”Impact of the pandemic and lockdown on adolescent developmentGendered patterns in coping: discussing vs. distracting, rumination, and expressionExternalization: teens emotionally “dumping” on parents and what to doRecognizing and responding to anxiety, avoidance, suicidality, and school refusalEating disorders, body-image norms, and social media’s algorithmic influenceHow and when to seek therapy, and the central role of caring adults

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